Virtually Feminine - Part 9 - the Appointment


Andy gets his first appointment following his referral.

Part 9 - the appointment

Thursday seemed to take forever to arrive and then, when it finally appeared everything felt rushed.

Of course, my big problem was whether to go as Andy or Cathy.

The appointment letter gave no indication as to which was expected. I decided to play it safe and go as Andy. I was being referred to them as part of my employment as Andy and my legal name was Andy, so… they should meet Andy first.
Then I spent days second guessing and over thinking what message that would send and whether they would think I was taking it and was a fraud.

In the end, I decided to go as Andy in fairly unisex clothing but with knickers instead of underpants and a ladies leather rucksack with a change of clothes and makeup for Cathy.

It may sound trivial to you, but choosing what to wear was increasingly becoming a minefield for me. I stressed out so much about unintentionally 'outing' myself, but I needed a touchstone or token of femininity to remain calm. I felt suffocated if I just wore traditionally male clothes now. I felt I had to have something frilly, lacy or pink to hang on to as proof that I was female inside.

I'd taken the day off for the appointment, it was a private appointment but it was in an NHS hospital in London. I’d driven into Hammersmith and parked in the Kings Mall. Normally I would have then taken the tube to anywhere in London (I'd never drive in Central London), but Hammersmith was the nearest tube stop to the hospital, so I walked. It was quite a trek - note to self, never attempt this journey in high heels! I’d never have found it without Google maps. Kathryn, bless her, had offered to come with me but I had told her 'I'm a big girl now!'
"Not so big, anymore" she said " you must have list 30lbs!"
"Three stone, actually, but who's counting?" I said.

As I went into the waiting room I caught my reflection in a glass door. I looked like a non-descript middle-aged guy. Boring.
I guessed my life was about to get more interesting.

I went into the waiting room. It was quite busy and then were males and females of all ages. I couldn't tell for sure if any of them were here for gender-related issues, although one lady looked like she may have started as a man. There wasn't any one thing I could put my finger in, just a general impression. I wasn't going to be rude and stare, or ask.

I got called in with a curt ‘Smith?’ from a nurse. She took me to a room and started going through some details to check I was the right Andy Smith. Another person, the nurse called her a ‘phlebotomist’ came and took some blood samples. The nurse took my blood pressure and asked some general questions then I was asked to go back out to the waiting room.

After about 15 minutes a young women, smartly but casually dressed came out a called ‘Smith?’.
She introduced herself as Dr. Boobyer and showed me to her office. She winced as she mentioned her name.
“I know, I couldn’t have made it up!” she said “It’s even worse because it’s my husband’s surname, I took it before I got into this field of medicine”.
There was something very human and disarming about how embarrassed she was by her name.

“Right,” she said, once we were sat down “I see you’re a private referral, you’re very lucky, the waiting lists can be horrendous. Have you read the leaflet? Do you know what to expect?”
“Not really, it’s all happened fairly quickly, I’ve been waiting for months on a GP referral then my HR team said that this was covered under my company scheme” I said.
“OK. Well… Don’t be afraid to ask if you don’t understand anything, just let me know if there are any words or terms that you don’t understand and I’ll try and clarify it for you. If you have any questions that I haven’t answered before you leave, for heaven’s sake, let me know. It’s much easier to answer them quickly now. Please take notes, if you’d like to. I’ll let you have some leaflets and things when you leave, but this is about exploring how we can help you and what’s best for you”.
“OK” I said.
“We’ve taken some samples and run some tests to establish your basic levels of health. The nurse asked whether you were a smoker and you told her, ‘no’, correct?” the doctor asked.
I confirmed this.
“OK, we have a note from your HR team that you’ve officially informed them that you have been having ‘gender issues’ and dressing as a woman outside of work. We’ll take the date of that official notification as the start of your real life trial, if that’s what you want to do?”
“Real life trial?” I asked.
“Well, I’m assuming, if you are already dressing as a woman outside of work that you’re serious about socialising as a woman, given that you have asked your HR team to be referred here?” she asked.
“I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage to progress that way for months now…” I admitted.
“Are there any particular reasons why you shouldn’t present as female in your workplace?” she asked.
“Aside from the obvious?” I asked.
“Ms. Smith, I am not going to insult your intelligence or your need to be a woman. The fact that you are here, and you’ve spoken with your GP and your HR team shows that this is not some idle fancy. We are not going to do anything drastic until you have been through some guidance and counselling and until the second appointment, at least. We won’t be prescribing blockers or hormones or any of the things you read in some of the more fanciful stories in the media. I’m assuming, from all the information we’ve gathered so far, that your next step will be a social gender role transition?” she said.
“Social?” I said, confused.
“Living your life in the role of a woman,” she explained “Tell me, are there any particular reasons why that would present a problem?”
“I would need to expand my feminine wardrobe!” I said with a small smile.
Dr Boobyer laughed. “Yes, of course. But you are happy to go ahead and you have friends and family who will support you?”
“Yes, I think so…” I said.
“Good, I know this will be quite a step, but it's been my experience that for someone at this stage in the process that this is best done decisively. You will know within a week or so whether this is the right step for you or whether you have had a narrow escape and you will go back to cross-dressing occaisinally and having a more feminie side that you let out sometimes” the doctor said with a smile, “I will give you the details of a service that will monitor you and provide support back home”.
“A psychologist?” I asked.
“A Psychiatric practice” she said “they can provide you in-depth help, not just psychological therapy. They can help you understand yourself better and recognise if things are getting to be too much for you. I see that you have been suffering from depression?”
“Yes, I was… but, since I’ve come to recognise my feminine nature it’s not been such a problem” I said.
“That’s not uncommon. A lot of people struggle to admit to themselves what the causes of the stresses they are living under are. Once they acknowledge them and deal with them more effectively, they can often be much happier!” she said, "So… do you have any questions for me?"

This left me reeling a bit. This referral was going to mark the start of my transition to womanhood and, rather than an in-depth discussion and drilling into the reasons for me feeling this way and explaining how best to proceed it just felt like a line drawn in shifting sands, a formality to be dealt with as expediently as possible.

"Er?..." I began "I have so many questions that I don't know where to begin" I said, lamely.
"I know dear… if it's any consolation, I know that this referral is not what you were hoping and waiting for. But until you actually make the decision to actually be a woman, out in the world, there's not really much more that we can do to help you. It is an enormous step, I know, but anything else is dependent on you deciding what side of the fence you wish to be once and for all. If you want to be a woman in the privacy of your own home, each day, then that's your choice. We don't need to do anymore, just get you to talk with the psychiatric service, to address some of your causes for the depression. Anything more than that will fundamentally change how you interact with the rest of the world, legally, medically and socially. Legal lags behind social and medical. Medical… well, we need to see. I don't want to promise miracles, because there aren't any magic wands, but these days there are treatments that can make your body seem more feminine, how much more feminine you need to be depends on you. We don't go further than you need to be comfortable in your skin. Some trans women don't need any medical intervention for that, some need complete GRS and cosmetic surgery. Social changes are not our department, I'm afraid. We can't change how your friends and relatives interact with you, that's largely down to you, I'm afraid. From what I hear, you've already got contacts in the trans community and some friends who can help there. I'm sure they will be more effective than I could be?" the doctor paused for breath here and waited for me to nod.

"I can give you a 'carry letter' that will ease the way with your bank, local government and the police, should you be stopped for speeding, for example. As I mentioned, the legal interactions lag behind the social. You can tell everyone you are a woman today, but changing your name and getting updated legal documents is a tedious process. Your support group will probably be able to help you there. I'm sorry to say that you will probably find it hard the first few weeks, you will find out who your real friends are, they may not be who you think. Your HR team will have their own policies for toilets and dress codes, I'm sure. My advice for 'public appearances' and public conveniences is 'be discrete' until all else fails and then act as if you are entirely in the right, even when you feel you aren't." she continued "Well, here are the leaflets, here is the letter, and here is a copy of your referral to the service. I wish you luck and we'll see you next month".

And with that, I was dismissed. She turned back to her computer and I got up and left. I made my way back home in a daze. Thinking about what I was going to do next.