Chapter 2.5

John and I were sitting in a counselor’s office, waiting to be called back. I was nervous as could be. I knew I needed to talk to someone, but I really didn’t want to. I was gripping John’s left hand with both of mine.

A woman walked out of the office, and a few minutes later, we were called back. I really didn’t want to go and tried to drag my feet. John squeezed my hand and urged me to continue. We entered the inner sanctum and a woman stood up to shake our hands.

“I’m Mara Bitters,” she told us. “An ironic name for a counselor, don’t you think? I became intersex on Earth, and I decided to take the name Mara to go along with my last name.”

“Why is it ironic?” John asked.

“Mara means bitterness in Ancient Hebrew,” I told him.

“Interesting name,” he commented.

“Isn’t it,” she said. “So, Mr. and Mrs. Carlson. Tell me about yourselves.”

I nudged John to start. He told her about our each being about seven hundred, and that we had been friends all our lives, along with Perl who died on N21. He told her how I had become a woman on the station, and of our being bond mates.

Once he finished, Mara turned to me. “Mrs. Carlson, when we talked on the comm, you indicated that you suspected that you might have post-traumatic stress."

"I suspect I might."

"I wouldn't be surprised. There have been lots of people who have dealt with 'Total Fun' that way." She asked me to verify John's story from my point of view. I had very few gripes about it. More often than not, I simply added something that I felt differently than John.

To give me a break, she asked John to tell her how he felt now.

He took his time and made sure he was understood. He told her that when I changed, he had not wanted to fall in love with me. He just wanted to keep our friendship alive. Then, we became bond mates, and it immediately seemed that we were in love.

Mara asked me if I concurred and I told her that I did.

She asked me to continue, and I told her that I found it almost impossible to avoid thinking about John. No matter what I was doing, my mind would relate it to him. John nodded his agreement, and I continued. I told her how we touched the first time with a kiss. I told her that up till then, it was the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced. It quickly fell down the list a substantial distance, later that night.

I hated becoming a man again. I decided that if we ever got out of that mess, I would never go back to being a man.

She switched us back to John, and I listened intently as he described his feelings for me during stage four, and when we got out from under 'Total Fun'.

During, he wondered how he would feel afterward if we ever got to that point. It was very similar to how I felt. He wondered if our feelings were real or if they were created by the nanites. He wondered if he would be enough for me afterward. He hoped so, but he really wasn't sure. What if his ability to make me orgasm was only because of the nanites?

I then related almost exactly the same story.

John said that when we were not in the stages, he felt like his feelings were now real! He said there had been something artificial about them before. It was as if they were set at a lower level as though to cause the doubts. On N22, those doubts disappeared. At least from his own perspective. Once I showed my love for him, he felt complete.

From my perspective, I found something similar. While under the influence of the nanites, I had felt like I was in love, but afterward, my feelings exploded way beyond where they had been. I enjoyed being sexy for John. I enjoyed sex so much more. It was so hard to be away from him. If he went anywhere, I needed to be with him.

"I've seen this in everyone I've talked to who has been through 'Total Fun'. Although I can't prove it, I believe the feelings were turned down during the stages. Making someone doubt their own feelings can push them into depression," she told us. "It looks like the emotions try to 'catch up' in proportion with the couple's natural affection and length of time in the stages." She waited for a few moments, then started to continue, but John stopped her.

"Okay, I'll bite. How do we rate in affection?"

I can't put it into numbers, but I believe you're the highest I've seen from N21 or N22.

I reached out and felt John's hand take mine. I couldn’t help it; I put my head on his shoulder.

“So is that why we find ourselves displaying our affection in public as much as we do?” John asked her.

“Very likely.” She seemed to think for a moment, then continued. "Many of the people I've dealt with who have been through the stages are dealing with post-traumatic stress. There are two ways to deal with this. One is to tune your nanites to do it."

"No!" John and I said it at the same time, and I'm not sure who was more forceful between us.

Mara nodded, and there was a hint of a smile on her face. "I figured you wouldn't want to do that. The other is the old way. We talk about it and work through your feelings."

We both agreed with that.

"What I would like to do is meet in a few days, separately, then together. I want to do the sessions one after the other."

We set up some sessions for three days later, then we left together.

I opened Heaven's Rose two days before, and I was supposed to have a wedding party that night in the restaurant, and into the outside dining area as well. It was a huge affair, and I was looking forward to it. John was planning to help me with it, and I was happy to have his assistance. We had worked together on N22 and he had learned how I preferred to do things. We worked together very well now.

It was a great experience and once again, we worked together like a well-oiled machine. It was amazing to me that John enjoyed helping me with my restaurants.

That night after a very delightful time enjoying each other, I lay awake. I was wondering why I had never taken a real interest in the things John found enjoyable. I was an artist in music and food, but I was sure I could learn his 'art'. Would I enjoy it? That wasn't really the point. I would enjoy helping him. As long as I wasn't a hindrance. I could see how I might be. I think John was afraid of being the same for me.

Suddenly I realized that I should have been more attentive to his feelings. He had given up his own time to be there for me. I didn't even recognize I should do the same for him.

I wasn't sure if he was awake, but I wanted to talk to him. "John?"

"Yes?"

I suddenly didn't know what to say. I decided to go for it. "Do you like helping me in the kitchen?"

"Sure."

"Why?"

"I get to be with you."

Great. Just what I needed to hear. He was helping me so he could spend time with me and I never helped him, even though I loved him to pieces. I hated to admit that I never thought of it that way, but I had to. "I'm so sorry, John. I never realized that was why."

"Wait a minute, Rose. That is not the only reason. Don't think that, okay? I enjoy helping you. You are a wizard in the kitchen, and I have the privilege to see you work all the time. That's a treat that only I get. Yes, some assistants get to observe your talents, but I am the only one who knows your recipes. Not to mention, I am married to the best chef in the universe. I eat very well all the time." I looked at him, and he had a 'gotcha grin on his face. I could barely see it in the dark, but I knew him so well I only had to catch a glimpse to know it was there.

"All right for you," I told him. "If you keep teasing me, there will be dire consequences for you in the morning."

"Hmmm. How can I get those without teasing you anymore?"

"Kiss me?"

"I can do that."

He did, and when we came up for breath, I told him, "Delicious. You, kind Sir, have earned my terrible wrath in the morning."

"Twas my intention, dear Lady."

We engaged in another, even deeper kiss, and then I curled up in his embrace. I felt so loved, but I had to ask. "Would you like me to help you with your hobbies?"

"Ahh. That explains your asking about me helping you.e

"I want to spend time with you too, John."

He thought for a bit and I was afraid he didn't want me to help.

"Unless you think I'd be a burden to teach."

"Rose, you are a woman of many talents. I don't think you'd be a burden at all. You wouldn't be in my way at all. My concern is that you wouldn't enjoy it like I do."

I propped my head upon my arm and looked him in the eyes. "Do you enjoy cooking as I do?"

"I enjoy it," he said, evasively.

"Uh-huh. As much as I do?"

"Not as much, but that's not the point."

"What is?"

He lay there looking at the ceiling for a long moment, then he said, "I don't know."

"Well?" I asked.

"If you want to help me, I'd love for you to."

He sounded like he wasn't sure, but I was determined to try. "I want to, John."

"Then I'll teach you."

I nodded, then curled up in his embrace again and we eventually fell asleep.

I had told Gina that I would do a concert. I had tried playing piano and found I was still able. It was a nice feeling to sit down and find that I still had talent. What I needed to work on was my mind. My fingers still had the required muscle memory, but my mind had to remember what it had done in the past.

I spent several evenings playing several of my favorite compositions and found they were still in my mind; just needed a bit of polishing. I also worked up a few pieces on my twelve-string.

One problem with both instruments was the fact that my hands were different than before, but I had practiced on the N22 and had learned to compensate. My fingers being narrower was a bonus on both, but I needed to develop calluses on my fingers to play the guitar.

Finally, the night came and I was nervous. I had always been fine walking on stage to play, but I had not done a concert in five hundred years. It was daunting!

Paula introduced me, although by that time, everyone knew me. I suppose it was a formality.

I came on stage to thunderous applause. I was wearing a fabulous gown and had fixed my hair and makeup to the point I almost didn't recognize myself. While I often wore dresses, probably because of wanting to capture my husband's eye, I thought that maybe I did need to be introduced.

I sat down at the piano and began.