Authors note.

Thank you very much to Jamie Lee for help in creating Willem's backstory.

Chapter 2.7

It was thirteen years after Fred died. An investigation was done to see why the problems occurred that led to his death. It was found that a part of the computer controlling everything had failed.

It had taken several years for us to all get over what happened to Fred. Paula had let her daughter-in-law take command of the ship. Gina had been in command of Centaurus before and while Neo22 had been built.

Paula had a little boy, and he was now twelve. My little girl had been born about a month later. I think Paula and I both hoped that the two would expand their friendship to something more.

Paula was also getting to know Winston Reese. They were often seen together in Heaven’s Rose or Maverick, the steakhouse around the corner from my restaurant. I hoped that they got together as well. Winston was an old friend, and I thought they made a nice couple. I had been scheming different ways to urge them to spend more time together. Carla was a confidant in this, to which John and Marc just shook their heads. I’m sure I heard John mutter under his breath at least once, “Women!” to which we snickered.

In the last few years, I started going through the vast computer system aboard the ship, and I was shocked when I found some of my own files. I asked Paula about it, and she told me she had no idea how they were there, but as much as could be retrieved from Willem’s computers was.

I began searching in earnest, and incredibly, I found almost all of my files. They had been locked, and unreadable, but I typed in my password, and they opened. I was thrilled. I showed it to John, and he wondered if some of his had been collected as well.

We started a search and found an incredible hoard of scientific and artistic files from our friends. Some of it was undoubtedly from those who had died on N21 and N22, but there were files from almost all scientists who had been sent away.

Granted, much of the work was far behind what had been accomplished now, but it was so exciting to find our own work. Our artists now had a record of their works. What was interesting, much of their physical work was found in Willem’s palace, usually in places of prominence.

Since it had been assumed that N22 would return to a safe Earth, the art, when retrieved, was entrusted to museums with the arrangement that, when the rightful owners returned, the loan would expire.

What was in my files was music that I had written, and some I had found. I had gone through ancient media to revive it. I found music, food recipes, and even what had once been called television. I had stored as much in my files as I could, which was a remarkably large amount. I had found lots of books as well, and laboriously had copied them into computer files before I sent the originals to museums to carefully preserve. Earth had gone through many changes in the past, and even the major cities had been all but destroyed, so artifacts from ancient times were rare.

There had been several earthquakes and volcanic eruptions long ago which had left much of the world devastated. Several eruptions and tsunamis had left much of the Pacific Coast destroyed. A massive volcano in the mountains of the western United States had destroyed much of the center of North America, and earthquakes had destroyed much of the Atlantic Coast.

With all of the earthquakes around the Atlantic Ocean, Greenland decided to join in and wiped its own fair share of Northern Europe out.

The repercussions for the rest of the world were disastrous. The area left was so hurt from all the eruptions. Volcanic ash choked everywhere that hadn't been buried. Airplanes weren't able to fly for several years, and cars were unable to run because of the ash deteriorating the pistons and cylinders.

Interestingly one of the least damaged places was Honolulu, even though it had been built on an extinct volcano. Tsunamis destroyed much of the old city, however.

It took a huge amount of time to rebuild all of the earth. A universal government helped to unify the people and the surviving population rebuilt the cities. People slowly refilled all of the cities, and in time, the people numbered in the billions again.

A few thousand years later, when old cities we're being excavated, I was given the charge of researching the media. It was fun, but before I had finished, Willem Wallace rounded us up and exiled us from Earth.

I sat down one day and spoke to Paula regarding Wallace. She had grown up with Fredrik and had known his little brother as well.

"Have you any idea what made him the way he was?"

"Willem was a boy who was plagued by an inferiority complex. We believe he viewed his brother as someone to try to be like.

“He was still young, when he started constantly accusing Fred of taking what was rightfully his. We didn't realize for a long time what Fred supposedly took, but we finally had an idea.

"Willem seemed to withdraw from everyone after one particular visit from Fred. Fred's mother was still alive, but she and her husband had different goals in life, so she divorced him. Their father married Willem's mother some time later, and he wanted to show Fred that he still loved him.

"Both of his boys were very important to their father, and he went all out to be Fred's friend at the time. His wife, Willem’s mother also became a friend to Fred.

"This seemed to devastate Willem. He couldn't understand why, as he was the important child now, not Fred. His older brother didn't live at home, and his father wasn't even married to Fred's mother. They weren't even the same race. Fred's mother was a dark-skinned woman, while Willem's was the opposite. She was a very light-skinned Nordic woman.

"As odd as it seems, all of these things caused Willem to withdraw from everyone, and his parents especially. He never spoke to his parents about the incident as far as we know. He just built up hate for them and his brother.

"We suspect that as he got older, he heard about love for, and of helping, others and he began to resent everyone else. Fred told me that it would be very much in Willem's character to figure if humans wanted his help, he'd give it to them, but they would pay for it."

I had a hard time understanding this explanation, but with Paula's permission, I took it to my counselor. She said it sounded likely as Willem was a sociopath. He had no compassion for other people, so how they hurt in response to his actions didn't bother him at all.

It made no sense to me but I accepted it. John also seemed to have problems with the explanation. Neither of us understood something like that. We had never experienced anyone like him, thus what made him tick was beyond us.

Many of the artists started putting their art on the public network on the ship so it could be enjoyed by everyone. I saw so many pictures and three-dimensional renditions of sculptures that were long gone. Interestingly, I had seen some of the originals before being exiled, but now they raised different emotions in me.

I found videos of me playing and singing in my restaurant back on earth. I found it interesting and considered posting them on the network as well, but I really wasn't comfortable with videos of me as a man out in public.

John didn't mind the thought but told me that it was my choice. I didn't know what to do. I didn't ever want to go back, and even thinking about that time bothered me. I had an incredible husband and such a sweet daughter. I was so happy with my family and my life.

I got to thinking about what I had left behind. It wasn't bad, but I didn't enjoy it as I did now. I know I hadn’t been even partially trans, because I would have… suddenly I realized something.

The woman who touched me. I became what she was. I could have been a trans woman without even realizing it. I had no way of knowing. I just knew I wasn't as happy with my life. I remembered that.

I decided to talk to Mara about it.

I had no secrets from John, so when we next went to Mara, I told her first and then I talked about it with John present.

"I remember how I felt while I was male. I was not happy like I am now. Whether that was Willem or my situation, I don't know."

"How did you feel around women?" Mara asked.

"I'm honestly not sure."

"How about men?"

I hesitated. "I…"

John took my hand.

I sighed. "If you're asking about sex, there was one person I was interested in."

"And who was that?"

I looked at John and smiled.

"John?" Mara asked.

I nodded. John was looking at me with his mouth hanging open.

"Were you a homosexual?"

"I don't think so."

"Were you not happy because you didn't see a way to have John?"

"That was so long ago." I tried to hold back what I considered extremely embarrassing memories.

"I was a man before 'Total Fun'," Mara told me. "I was changed into a transwoman when I was touched. Like you, I was made to love what I became, but the person I became hated being a man! All I wanted was to transition into a woman."

"That sounds paradoxical," I responded.

She nodded. "I understand you were friends with Perl, and you went on dates with her. Can you remember how that felt?"

"We were friends, " I said. "Just friends."

"John told me something in our one on one talk just a little while ago. Would you like to know what it was?"

"Okay?" I looked at him, wondering where this was going.

"I always told you I just wanted to be friends with Perl because I thought you had fallen for her," he explained to me.

"I told you…"

"I know, Rose. But I thought you were just saying that for my benefit."

I was flabbergasted. John was in love with Perl? How should I take that? Was he not in love with me? Wait… I always knew he was straight, so of course he didn't. There was nothing to be upset about.

If he was straight, what was I? I thought about others. "Reese and Marc. I didn't love them, but I thought they were cute," I admitted.

"When you thought about John, did you want to make love to him?" I nodded and I knew what she was going to ask next.

"I wanted to be his wife," I almost whispered. I looked at John and more memories started to flood back. "Perl… when I went out with her, it was really just friends. It was like the relationship I have with Carla or Paula."

"Do you remember what you felt when you saw a woman?" It wasn't Mara who asked, but John.

I nodded sure of what I was. "I found them attractive, but it wasn't sexually attractive. I wondered how to be like them. I admired them so much. Perl was such a beautiful woman, and I wondered, if I looked like her could you be interested? If I became like her, would you like me?" I paused again and gathered my courage. "Even if you couldn't love me wanted your friendship. I wanted that beauty too. To be like her. I wanted so much to be a woman."

It was like a dam broke free, and the tears came. I was crying so hard. I wanted to lean against him, but however irrational it was, I was afraid again. It made such a huge difference in our friendship.

Maybe that's why I couldn't remember how I felt then. I was afraid of what he'd think of me. I was always in love with him, all through our childhood. Wait? Was I?

I thought again, and my mind went back. The floodgates were open now, and I could remember it all. Yes. I always saw myself as the smaller, more dainty one, and I really was.

He was bigger and more muscular. I went into music and he went into engineering. I wanted to cook meals for him for the rest of my life. After all, there was an ancient saying I had heard. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. If that was true I was all for it!

I was just a child, but I started learning and found it didn't matter if cooking attracted John or not. I loved it anyway. Cooking became a way to please him, and I loved it. I loved the creativity the same as with music.

All of these realizations hit me hard. I had been trans. I knew it then but had hidden it where it couldn't hurt me. Not having the love of my life hurt so bad that I had to! Doing anything else was too hard.

I think when we were exiled I put it away even more. I had to because I was with him all the time. When 'Total Fun' hit, I was so afraid to tell John I had become a woman, but I think I would have been anyway, without Willem's help.

I wanted to become a woman no matter what, and it would have been so easy, but how would John have reacted? I was too scared back then, but now I had no choice. I had attributed it to the nanites, but was it just them? I would probably never know.

I couldn't look at him. I felt ashamed that I had not remembered this until now. I was crying softer now, although my body kept shaking as the sobs came. I felt his hand on my left cheek gently turn my face toward him. I kept my eyes down. I couldn't look. I was so afraid!

He leaned toward me and kissed me so tenderly. I didn't know what to do. We were on separate chairs but what I wanted most was to be held. For these fears to just go away and never come back.

I leaned in and although it was uncomfortable, I put my head on his shoulder. I heard a door shut, and realized it was just the two of us in the room now. "Come here, " John told me. I wasn't sure what he wanted but I stood and stepped to the front of his chair. He turned me so I was standing the opposite way and pulled me down to his lap. He wrapped his arms around me, and I snuggled in.

I loved him so much!