Chapter 1.15

John and I talked to Marc regarding the idea of suicide. Of course, Marc knew before we did, but it was another piece of grim news to discuss with the rest of the station.

We had discovered another fact about Caesar’s ‘Total Fun’, probably related to our limited population. If someone didn’t get a bondmate within a certain time period, they died. This left us with everyone who was still alive in stage two or higher.

I began to wonder what would happen with a homosexual couple in nine and eleven. I spoke to Kari about it, and she explained what they had found while going through the data from Earth. Apparently, the one doing the penetrating was considered the man, and the one being penetrated was considered the woman. As soon as that was determined by the nanites, the necessary transformation would proceed, then the pregnancy would continue as in any heterosexual couple.

Later that night, I took a blanket with me, and went to the park. I got off the main path, and spread my blanket out on some grass, hidden from view of passersby. I sat down and idly began pulling pieces of grass and tossing them away. This was strictly against the rules, nor was it as fulfilling as it had been when I was a child. The patch of grass was actually an old idea for allowing cars to drive across grass without destroying things from ancient times. There were steel grates, supported from below, with grass growing from hydroponic pots below, hence my blanket. It looked real because of holographic projections, even down to bugs in the dirt, but when you touched it, you felt the steel grating.

I considered all that we had learned about Caesar. His psychopathic play certainly dug new pits for hell. He made one of the most beautiful things for us and made it horrendous. While we would normally enjoy it, that was blackened by what we knew was going to happen. I knew I entered into bliss whenever John and I had sex, but what would happen if we ever defeated the nanites? Would I ever be able to have a physical relationship with him again? I remember reading about PTSD in ancient books, then thought about what had happened when I saw the woman bifurcated by a bay door. Later that night, visions of that dead body would not leave me alone. I tried to sleep, and couldn’t. Visions of my friends bodies that were frozen on the ground came back too.

I started crying as I thought of all of them, and what was going to happen when and if we stopped the ‘Total Fun’. Right now, sex was wonderful and beautiful between us, but I didn’t know if I would be able to have a relationship with any man afterwards. Or woman, for that matter.

I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and found that I needed to blow my nose. I didn’t have anything, so I stood to head to a restroom. Standing by a tree, watching me was John.

I wasn’t sure what would happen later, but right now, our relationship was beautiful. I fell into his arms, and wept. He didn’t ask me why I was crying. He just held me.

I awoke the next morning, wondering once more what would happen. The last night had been wonderful, as it always was, but I began to wonder if John was really as skillful as he seemed to be. Was my view skewed because I had never had sex with any other man? Was it because my hormones were sky high because of the nanites? How did he think I was? It seemed that he loved what I did, but was that a result of the nanites? I began to worry, not that we would have PTSD if we ever removed the nanites, but that I might not be able to please him, because alone, I wasn’t enough.

My thoughts drifted a bit. Did others feel this way? Was John as unsure of what might happen as I was? Did he feel he’d be enough for me? I was certain he couldn’t fail there, but was that just my nanites thinking for me?

Was this a horrible aspect of stage four that Earth didn’t recognize? Was this worry part of Caesar’s plan? I couldn’t see how, as there were no visible aspects that Caesar could view. Well, there was, but who wants to see a woman crying constantly? Okay, Caesar did. The first question there was why, but as in all things with Willem Wallace, nothing was explainable.

I rolled over and found that John wasn’t beside me. Immediately, I began wondering if he had given up on me; this poor, pathetic woman who would never be able to satisfy him without the help of Caesar.

I was preparing to descend into more despair, when I heard a sound from outside the bedroom. I got up, grabbed a robe, and looked out.

John was busy in the kitchen alcove. I smelled something wonderful coming from the pans he was busy with. “What is that?” I asked.

He turned and smiled at me. “Something I rarely do anymore, my dear. Breakfast. I know I’ve been shirking my responsibilities lately, and letting you do all the cooking. While it’s understandable why, considering the delicious foods you make, I don’t want you thinking I take advantage of you.”

For some reason, tears started again. This time, there was a lot of relief. He really did love me. He loved me! He hugged me again, apparently recognizing that I was in a turmoil of emotions. After a bit, he gently asked, “What’s the date?”

It took me a minute to realize what he was asking, and I hurried into the bedroom. Picking up what we had jokingly dubbed, my tricorder, I checked my calendar. Oh thank God! This wasn’t Caesar’s doing!

It was getting close to the time we were all dreading. Soon, Marc and Kari would enter stage five, and a month and a half later, John and I would.

I tried not to think about it. Everytime I did, I could feel my heart racing. It wasn’t pleasant to think about.

We were trying to set up things where when we arrived at stage twelve, which mirrored stage four, we would be able to work once again on an escape.

We had several researchers working with us while we searched for ways out of Caesar’s control, but in seven weeks, John and I would be ‘away’ for a long time. Marc and Kari had only one six days.

Before they entered stage five, John and I had them over for a meal that we both worked on. We wanted them to know how much they meant to us. We knew that even though we had six more weeks after they… well you know... they would be uncommunicative. Yes, we could see them, but we didn’t want to overstimulate them. We weren’t willing to risk their deaths.

It was a lighthearted meal, or we tried to keep it that way. There was an underlying tension that we couldn’t seem to break. Finally, after a very quiet dessert, I couldn’t take it anymore.

“I’m so sorry,” I told them. “I shouldn’t have planned this.”

“We both did,” John stated. “We wanted you to know that you are our best friends, and we are going to miss you.”

“We know,” Marc assured us.

“Just come in each day until you enter five yourselves,” said Kari. “Let us know how much we are loved and missed. We’ll need that.”

“No!” I exclaimed. I told her how we were afraid to overstimulate them.

“You know what?” Marc said. “I’d rather die than be left alone for two years. If we died from you seeing us, at least we’d know that we were cared about.”

I wasn’t sure whether I could agree with this or not. I looked at John and he seemed to be as indecisive as I was. “Are you sure?” I asked.

Kari grabbed my hands with hers. “We talked about this, and were going to ask you just before, but now seems as good a time as any.”

“Besides,” Marc said with a dry chuckle,” Caesar won’t let us commit suicide, so why would he allow us to ask you if we’d die from that overstimulation?”

John joined Marc in the laugh, but I couldn’t. I looked back at Kari, who still had my hands in hers -- her grip seemed as if she never intended to let go -- and she was smiling at me. All I could get out was a broken okay, then I tried to smile. I wasn’t very successful.

For the time between now and at least stage six, the research was now laid out. We worked tirelessly with Marc and Kari until the end of the last day. We knew that in the morning they would not appear at the lab. Kari had become my best friend, and I almost felt like she was dying the next day. I had told her that I would appear twice each day. I was planning on stopping by in the morning, as was John, and also in the afternoon, after we were done at the lab. John and I would fill them in on what happened at the lab.

This was part of how we were planning on keeping them abreast of what was happening as far as the ‘escape research’ as we now called it.

This twice daily visitation was risky. It might very well be overstimulation, and I hated to think of what I would feel if they died in my presence. I doubted I could take that. However, the command staff, meaning the four of us and Roman and his partner, Jerold, had decided that we needed to have this kind of updating. Unless, of course, we lost Marc and Kari because of it. It might allow them to think about possible solutions while they sat and did nothing else.

We walked aimlessly through the station, none of us wanting to call an end to our time together.

So much had happened over the time since ‘Total Fun’ started. We looked at the welded shut doors behind which was the stairs that would take someone to the absolutely destroyed motors to open the overhead doors. We even had a laugh over the distance that we had kept between us as we inspected everything. Now, I was gripping John’s upper arm with both hands, like my life depended on it. Kari and Marc were holding each others hands tightly. We had come a long way since that fear to be anywhere near each other.

Our meandering finally took us to Marc’s apartement, where he and Kari would spend the next two years. I wanted to make another circle, but I saw that Kari’s eyes seemed to be getting heavy. So did Marc’s. I suppose that was part of the next stage coming on. I doubted I could ever get tired knowing what was coming.

They walked into the apartment, and as the door shut, I saw them embrace like two lovesick teenagers after a particularly hot date.

Apparently I wasn’t planning on moving, but John took my arm and steered me away, back to our own apartment. We sat in the main room for some time, with the lights off, gazing down at the nighttime sleep below. Most people knew what was happening tomorrow, so very little was going on in the street.

I imagined that our friends were having desperate…. I tried to force that from my mind. I didn’t want to cry. It dawned on me how emotional I was being about this. I know John could tell what I was thinking, just by looking at my face, while it was like he was carved out of granite. Nothing showed on his face. Well, that’s not quite true. I knew him well enough to realize that he was showing a great deal of emotion in that apparent absence of it. I could also see in the flickering lights, a bit more moisture than his eyes usually had.

Morning seemed so far away, and I wasn’t sure what it would hold. Okay, I knew, but how would we all deal with Marc and Kari not being there for two years? I just couldn’t seem to make heads or tails of it.

As I continued looking out at the night, I whispered to my best friend, Kari, "Just remember that Rose loves you." Then I started to cry again.

End of Part 1