I am Not the Best at Words
(The Content of a letter which was slipped underneath the door of a teenage girl’s bedroom)

We have to talk, and you know I’m not the best with words. My silence the last time we saw each other was over being taken off guard by how you looked. No, I know what you are doing and don’t put meaning in my words before I finish my thoughts. I know why you are going to be defensive, but don’t. You know that I love you. You looked so much like my youngest sister, your aunt Dorothy. I was not expecting that. I was and still am happy for you that you look so good when dressed that way.

I know I came home very early from work. I just took a half day to start the weekend and should had called. I did not think you had anything to hide from me. That just came out wrong, you do not have anything to hide from me. It is fine how you were dressed. See what I just wrote came out wrong, like I said I am not the best with words.

You ran back in your room before I could say anything, I understand why.You felt shame and you shouldn’t, you did nothing wrong. How society looks upon how you were dressed forced you to feel emotions which you should not feel. You need to know that you were doing nothing wrong.

I did not follow for I was weak. Yes your old man can be weak. I was weak for I knew no matter what action I took I would make the situation worse. If I had followed you into your room, you know I would had ended up putting my foot in my mouth and you would had ended up feeling worse about me seeing you how you were dressed.You were doing nothing wrong so you should not feel bad. You know how I am not the best at words.

I did not follow you into your room and I know you had dark thoughts about how I felt did fill your head.It was the best decision at the time. You had to think I felt shame and was disappointed in you. I am not, I am proud that you are strong enough to wear what you want. I stayed out because I figured it would do the least amount of damage to your ego. I could not bare looking at you while me stumbling for the right words caused you more pain. You know that I am not the best at words.

I know it was the coward's way out of a bad situation. Like I said I’m not the best with words. I am bad with expressing myself. I could not have depended on my actions at that time to help get the message across of how much I love you and how I want your happiness.

I cannot know what you are feeling right now. You are a teenager and you are a typical one, you do not share that much with your parents. Two I never had society send me a message saying that who I am is wrong. Then to make matters worse they have no reason to give you why who you are is wrong.

I know I was a teenager once so you might be thinking that I understand what it is like to feel like an outcast, nobody understands me, and the world is against me. There is a big difference between how I felt when I was a teenager and how you are feeling. I had no justification in my feeling of alienation, you do for how some people would treat you if they knew the real you. I would not had be able to say that to you for like you know I am not the best at words.

I did not even know what name to call you right then or if I should call you son or daughter. It does not matter if you are my son or daughter, I love you. I want to respect who you are and you might now be ready for me to use your real name when addressing you. Or worse I might had slipped up and used the wrong name. You know I am not the best at words.

This part is hard, for I need you to know that I will love you the same if you are my son or my daughter. It is just if you are my daughter instead of my son I will treat you differently. That is for the dynamics between a father and son is different than between a father and daughter. Look I used the word dynamics, sounding all stuffy instead of coming from the heart, like I said I am not the best with words.

Our relationship changing does not mean I love you less, it means I respect who you are. I want to be the best parent for you that I can be. All I can do is hope I do not mess you up that much while raising you. You are not messed up, that came out wrong. See I am using that stale joke about parents can only hope to not mess up their kids to try to ease the tension I have for not knowing how to be there for you yet. Like I said I am not the best with words.

Right now all I can do is show you by my actions how much I loved you. That is why right after you retreated to your safe place, I sat down to write this letter. I did not want you to fret about how I felt about seeing you in that outfit one moment longer than you had to. I could not just say that for, like I said I am not the best with words.

By the way it was a great outfit, you have great taste. I hope you are not embarrassed by your old man making a comment on your clothes. I know how teenagers are, if a parents liked something then it must not be hip.Yeah I said hip, like I said I am not the best at words.

After writing this I am go to search online for good websites which can help me understand you. Unless we talk I will be looking up a lot right away instead of you and the relationship you have for wearing women's clothing. I do not care why, I do care to understand my child so I can be there for you. I might not be the best at words, but I am the best at keeping my word. I will be there for you always because I love you.

Like I said we need to talk and I said my piece on what I needed to say. You can say as much or as little as you want. It is your life and you can share as little or as much of it with me as you desired. I want you to know that I will always be there for you. I love you for who you are. I will not let me finding out what you were not ready for others to know hurt our relationship. In fact, I am going to use it to make our connection stronger. I am going to be there for my child. I might not be the best at words but me saying I love you and I will always be there for you is true and the best words I can come up with.
Love
Dad

Don’t Sell Yourself Short

First dad, do not sell yourself short, what you said in that letter was the best response I was hoping for. I would say it brought tears to my eyes but they were already there. The letter did change the tears of frustration sadness and disappointment in myself into tears of joy, love and acceptance. You made the tears better.

I am writing this as an email instead of a letter for when I tried to write the pages get tear soaked. Don’t worry they are good tears. I know you want to take away all my pain. That cannot be done, but you accepted me and the pain I had the most fear of is gone. I have not lost you when you saw the real me.

You accepting the real me helps so much. I know I can be who I am. How many teenagers can really say that. Not many, too much peer pressure to conform to the group. They are scared that they will not be accepted by their family, or friends. I know I can be me in front of you. You are my support.

Another reason I am writing this as an email is for my handwriting betrays how I want to portray myself. I know how handwriting looks is small to you, it is not for me. I want it to show people who I am. I want nice flowy cursive handwriting and I have been working on it so it is how I want it to be. Back in grade school, Ms Quincy used to tell me my handwriting was too nice for a boy. It was meant as a compliment I did not want her to know I did not feel like a boy so I let it become sloppy.

I look like Aunt Dorothy! Thank you! Maybe when you are ready we can tell her about who I am. I would love her to be a more direct role model for me. That is of course if she would want to take her niece under her wing. I think she would for how she loves spending time with me as a nephew, it is great how she took over being a mother figure for me after mom died. It makes me laugh when she says being there for me is like having a kid without the hassle and responsibility. I know it is hard work for her. I know she has the hassle and responsibilities. I know I just gave her more.

I want to stress reading that compliment on my looks meant so much to me. I think Aunt Dorothy is so beautiful. I want to be beautiful but that is not important. I just want to look like the woman I am on the inside. I would not had look like Aunt Dorothy without you. You supporting me in letting me grow my hair out. I know you said you did not care if I grew my hair long, but I saw it how a woman would and I was growing it out.

I will say my personality is not like hers. Aunt Dorothy is so much more outgoing and a risk taker. She does not want a family. That is not me, I am more reserve and thought out. I so want a husband and family.

I do share some traits with that great woman. I am brave like her but think before I act. I also know that my happiness does not depend if I ever find a man. I so hope that is how mom was. I think it was, she passed away before I formed many memories of her, but I knew I wanted to be like her. Remember, I said I want to be a mommy like her at her funeral.

I know you love her dad and I do also. I want to hear more about her, and be like her. Your daughter hopes you see it as being respectful to the kind, caring, and loving person she was and still is in our hearts. I know she would be proud of how you made sure I know I will always have your love and support.

You liking my taste in clothes is important to me. I now know that I am not showing too much skin yet at the same time not covering up too much. You saw it as a young woman expressing herself and that is why you are hip dad. You are true to yourself while allowing others do the same so don’t sell yourself short.

You not following me into my room when I needed privacy was not a sign of cowardice, it was a sign of courage, You gave me the space I needed so I could handle you seeing the real me. Most people would not had been as brave and patient, they would had needed to know what was going on instead of doing what was best for their child, so don’t sell yourself short. You are a brave person dad.

Dad all teenagers feel alienation and yours was as legitimate as mine. It was your feelings and they came from you felt like no one understood you. That is how I feel also. It is for different reasons but the same feeling. Your letter shows you are empathetic to me, so do not sell yourself short.

Right now it is hard for you to slip up,I am both your son and daughter. I know I want to only be your daughter, and hopefully I you seeing me as who I really am help me progress towards that goal. The goal of just being my true self all the time.

I want to be daddy’s little girl. I used to be so ashamed of feeling that way, how you handle seeing me makes me proud of wanting to always be your little girl. You will look out for me in the way a dad does his daughter. I know if you say son or daughter it will be full of love and that is what is truly important so don’t sell yourself short.

I love the name Faith, for you gave me the faith in myself to explore who I really am. I know that you and mom would had name me Lana so I go in between using those two names. I know most people do not get to pick their name but I want to go as Faith. I feel like I am a Faith and I am not a Lana. At the same time I want to respect you and mom by going with the name which you would had given me if my body was true to my essence. I could grow into being a Lana. I would love it if we talk about this. You wanting to honor how I see myself by using the right name shows you respect me for who I am, so don’t sell yourself short.

I know I have not been straightforward in this letter. You have so many questions which you will never ask. You want me to share freely with you, when . You have the right to ask them and I want to answer them. Some of them I do not have the answers.

I know I am a woman, my body is just not the right one for who I am. I want to live as a woman. I know it will not start tomorrow. I want to go to school and try out for the cheerleading squad. I know from this letter you will be right at my side during the transition. I know that the days ahead will be hard on both of us. I know you will be sacrificing a lot for my happiness. I also know that it will be worth it for the both of us.

I could keep on writing this letter but I want to talk to you about who I am and share everything. I want our connection to be stronger and doing this face to face will do so. Please come to your daughter's room after you read this, I so need a hug from my daddy. You might not think it will give me more strength but it will, don’t sell yourself short.

Love
Faith