Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Friday, March 29th 9:36 AM
Sleep alluded me and getting my brain to shut off was impossible. I think the only reason I fell asleep was due to exhaustion. I was feeling that way now - exhausted. I was dreading meeting everyone for breakfast. So much so I almost cancelled, but didn’t because the backlash would have been worse than what I had been facing since sitting down - which was pretty intense.

Kaley, mom, Bill and Charles were rabid for details and my inquisition began right after sitting - after filling my plate from the breakfast buffet. I loved these people, but I certainly wasn’t enjoying being the sole focus of this way too early gathering. My recap, recollection of every detail, every word spoken - barely kept pace with their appetite for more information. It became tiring after ten minutes.

What was my reward for my efforts - to not miss a single detail? Questions about things I hadn’t even considered, weren't relevant, or the asker hadn’t caught the first time I supplied some detail that would have answered their question. Funny, telling the story out loud sure made it sound like it wasn’t my fault the evening ended in such a weird limbo.

“And he just gave up the information about his almost fiancé,” Charles asked.

“Yeah, I didn’t ask him about any dating history, but maybe the ask about him flying other women around at night brought that out,” I replied shrugging.

“Eh… I don’t know, almost sounds like he wanted to get that off his chest,” Bill added.

“Maybe,” Kaley started, “But maybe he’s still hung up on her?”

“That’s not it,” mom said, “He wouldn’t have asked you out if he was stuck on her…”

“Maybe the distance between San Diego and Vegas brought on some PTSD with his ex and he realized he wasn’t over her,” Charles offered.

Mom shook her head, “I doubt that’s what’s going on, Charles…” Charles probably didn’t catch the annoyance in her voice, it was barely perceptible unless you really knew her. I smiled a knowing look at Bill, who picked up on her tone.

“Okay, maybe he realized getting into a long-distance relationship wasn’t something he could deal with…,” Charles said trying to make his point valid after getting shot down by mom.

“So, the drive to the airport was full of playful teasing about what he had planned. Then cutesy getting ready to fly time. You take off, there’s some dating exchange talk, and then the mood changed,” Bill said trying to pin down when I thought things went south.

“Basically, but it’s not like we didn’t talk about other things after the fiancé reveal. He told me about where he lives, things he does when not working, he asked me about stupid things - like whether I was a dog or cat person, what I did in my spare time, all normal stuff. I don’t get it… But the mood did change,” I replied.

I didn’t share Blake’s ask about the conflict with Jennifer - only Kaley knew the real details of that one. I didn’t need a lecture from mom or any more off topic questions, grilling. Was that off topic? If I could only get a look at the security guards report of the incident I would know how much Blake knew and whether that was the beginning of the end. Should I have come clean on that? No, because being with Tyler wasn’t who I was normally. It was a stupid, stupid mistake… If the report had said anything other than ‘cat-fight’ there wouldn’t have been an opportunity to hang out, right? He would have thought I was too slutty or something… Augh!

“You ready,” Charles said to Bill.

“Sure…,” he replied, “Brea, his loss. Not sure what that guy was thinking… You likely dodged a bullet.”

Charles and Bill both got up and came around the table to give me a quick hug before heading off to do some last-minute gambling. Mom slid her chair out also, saying she wanted to finish packing. We hugged quickly. Everyone agreeing to meet in the lobby to catch the shuttle to the airport at noon.

When they were out of earshot Kaley said, “The security guard report probably said that bitch accused you of sleeping with her man…”

“I thought that too, but why go through all that trouble to spend time with me, to impress me with a plane ride?”

“I guess, but guys can be stupid sometimes. Only way to know what happened is to ask him…”

I shook my head, “Nah, think I’ll pass on that one. I’m ready to be home and to get back into my normal routine…”

“Well, it’s crap he led you on and couldn’t man up in the end,” she said angrily.

“I get it…,” I replied, resigned with the fact Blake was just another bump in the road while in Vegas. Whatever...

Friday, March 29th 9:51 AM
"Good morning Breanna. Are you leaving today," Karen Cole asked. We ran into each other in the in the lobby as I was making my way back to my room.

"Good morning... Yeah, my flight is at 1:58 PM. Will be nice to sleep in my own bed," I chuckled nervously. Why was I nervous? Karen ran the competition with Blake, it's not like I needed to impress her now.

"I'll bet. We really enjoyed having you in the competition. You have a real gift... Such a beautiful voice."

I could feel my face flush, "Thank you for having me. I'd like to have shown better in the finale, but I was pleased with my performances..."

"Well, if it's any consolation you didn't miss placing by very much. In fact, less than two points separated you, Dana, and Carlie...," Karen said with just a hint of conspiratorial secrecy in her voice.

"I, I had a feeling Dana and I were close in the scoring. I had no idea I was that close to Carlie though..." I'm sure I sounded surprised, and the truth is - I was. That basically meant Dana beat me by one fucking point and Carlie by two. Fuck!

"I'm sure there were some disappointed fans of yours no doubt. If we had announced the judges scores it might have helped them understand just how tight this competition was. We did release the scoring for each round to PBS, so they will likely include that in their documenting of the competition," she said.

"Thank you for sharing that with me... I guess I feel a little better about how it all turned out, that it was that close..." I tried to keep my face as neutral as possible, but inside I was actually pissed. If what Bill had said was true about Dana's performance, losing by a point did NOT make me feel any better. I wanted so badly to beat Dana... Augh!

"If you're ever back in town and need something, let me know," she reached into a pocket and produced a business card, then handed it to me.

"I appreciate that. If I...," then it hit me, "I was wondering if you saw the security guards report from that little incident I was involved in?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me what it said," I tried to ask as nonchalantly as possible.

"Nothing really... It said they, the guards, broke up a confrontation between you and another woman. No physical confrontation and that Dana was holding back the other woman. To tell you the truth, it barely captured much... Did you need a copy of it or was there something more that happened," she asked concerned.

"Oh no... I don't need a copy," I blurted out, "I was just curious what it said and what you've told me is pretty much everything that happened," I finished that train of thought in a more normal cadence. Relax, breathe...

"Excellent. Well, I need to get going, staff pre-shift meeting for a lunch banquet. If you need anything, anything at all, please give me a call."

Karen sounded like she was going to be late for her staff meeting or something, so I thanked her again and we said our quick 'Goodbyes'. I watched her walk away towards the banquet rooms feeling better about the security guard report, but still pissed about the judges and losing to Dana by a point. With the security guard report saying nothing, that left just one burning question - what the hell happened last night Mr. Schultz?!

Friday, March 29th 10:07 AM
This probably wasn't the smartest idea I'd had all week, but I was tired of not having the answers I needed and there was only one person who could give those to me. I nervously entered the kitchen area Blake had taken me through on his tour and remembered his office wasn't too far down the second hallway - I think. My heart was pounding in my chest and there was a slight ringing in my ears as I made my way to where I thought I needed to turn to get to his office.

Unfortunately I'd turned left, when I should have gone right, and ended up needing to ask a cook coming out of a walk-in refrigerator where Blake's office was. He looked surprised to see me and asked what I was doing back in this part of the kitchen. I told him Blake was expecting me and that I thought I knew how to get to his office but was now lost. Surprisingly the guy seemed okay with that answer and took me to Blake's office rather than tell me I'd made a wrong turn.

"Mr. Schultz," the cook said after tapping on Blake's open office door, "Your guest is here," he stood aside so I could enter the office.

"Brea? Hey, come in... Come in," he said surprised, rising from his chair, "Thank you Carlos...," he said to my escort. "Wow, I ah... I wasn't sure I would see you before you left... Sit, sit...," he said waving to a chair in front of his desk.

Blake looked nervous, I'm certain he didn't expect to see again. Why? Why would you not want to see me? Slow down, play it cool, don't show your hand yet - you're here to get answers, "I had a couple minutes, thought I'd stop by and thank you again for a wonderful evening... I mean morning or whatever..." Why was I all tongue tied all of a sudden?!

"Oh, yeah... I'm glad you enjoyed it," he said, coming around his desk to sit on the edge of it in front of me.

He was close enough I could put my hand on his knee, if I chose too. Why would you do that if you had no interest in me? You could have just stayed on your side of the desk. Focus... Get him talking, he'll figure out why you're here. Don't jump the gun! "You get much sleep?"

"About the normal amount, four hours maybe. I'm used to it... I'm only working a half day, so after a big banquet going off at," he looked behind him at the clock, "Eleven, I'm out of here

"How many people?"

"Five-hundred. Some technology luncheon or whatever..."

"You don't even know who these people are," I asked chuckling, the ringing in my ears now a constant buzzing. It's nothing, just nerves... Relax!

"I know who they are," he said smiling, "I just didn't want to bore you with the details..."

Speaking of details - that's why I'm here you dope! You're plugged into the details of this group doing a banquet at your hotel, but the details regarding last night are why I'm here. Are you really this clueless and can't see that?! Calm down... Dial it back a bit... This guy needs to figure it out, "I ran into Karen Cole. She told me I missed placing by a point."

"Oh, she told you that," he asked - again there was surprise in his voice.

"Yeah... Did you know about the score?"

He hesitated, "Mmmhuh, wasn't sure it would be a good idea to share that. I didn't want to upset you..."

Didn't want to upset me? Seriously - does that mean you care? Lead me on last night all romantic like and then end it like I'm your fucking second-cousin or something?! Augh! Fuck! Breathe... "I'm pretty much over losing Blake, though I really wanted to beat Dana..."

"You only lost to him by a half a point. I think you should have placed second, not third though...," he said seeming more relaxed now.

Well there's some news I didn't know. Half-a-fucking point?! Are you God damn kidding me?! I felt my jaw clench tight as I struggled to cope with that revelation... This conversation was moving too slow, fuck it! "Did I say something last night to upset you?" There, there it is, and let's be real - quit the pussy footing around. So much for subtle and the 'Let him talk...' approach!

Blake didn't look shocked by the question, in fact he looked really calm, like he expected the conversation might go this route, "No..."

"Well... Well I feel like, like something happened and the mood changed... I don't get it honestly..." I'm sure I sounded a little exasperated, flustered, or whatever - but at this point I didn't give a shit. Are my palms sweating? Is it hot in here? It is a kitchen out there...

"I thought I had said something that you didn't want to hear, and after that I feel like your demeanor changed...," he replied a little unsure he was capturing his feelings as best as he could.

"Like what," I asked, and I'm sure it sounded like I was complaining.

"I honestly don't know, maybe when I said that I was nearly engaged?"

"Are you still in love with her," I asked, more calmly than the last few statements I'd made. Should I have held that question? Am I prepared for the answ...

"No, it's," he stood, went over to the door of his office and closed it, then returned to sitting on the edge of his desk, "Look, I'm... Augh, I'm kinda complicated..."

I so wanted to jump into a tirade about the complexities of being Transgendered, but bit my tongue - hard - so to not ruin the flow of the conversation, "I can appreciate that..." It was good to hear he wasn't still hung up on his ex.

"Yeah, well complicated doesn't really... Look, I've got some things I'm working on to tell you the truth..."

"Like what?"

"Okay, well... I work a lot. I like working, I have goals, and a career trajectory I'm committed too. My ex complained about that a lot... She didn't complain about the house she fell in love with that my job helped pay for or the cruises or the car I bought her...," his voice faded.

"So, do you think you have a balanced work-non-work life," I asked - wondering how this in any way, shape, or form had anything to do with what happened last night, but I was willing to see it through.

"I could probably do with shuffling a bit of that around..."

"Sounds like she used you, " I said tentatively, "Maybe a little..."

"Probably... But it's not like I didn't take or she didn't make concessions for me and my goals," he replied a little confidence returning to his voice.

I so badly wanted to scream at him, 'That's all fine and good, but what the fuck was last night?!', but I held back. For a seemingly intelligent and successful guy, I was baffled by how stupid he was on what really should have been the focus of this conversation - 'us' and 'last night'. Grrr! "And, there's more to your complexity?" I asked prodding him forward.

"And I can be... A, a little overbearing with my attachments to stuff..."

Okay, that's vague as shit... "You mean like to your car?" I knew that wasn't what he was talking about, but I wanted him to spit it out on his own.

"No," he chuckled, "I've... Geesh, Brea, I wasn't expecting to come completely clean on my past here... Look, I've been burned pretty good while in a couple relationships. The last one especially so since I was expecting it to go that next step. Cari said I was clingy or whatever... She complained about that a few times over the years, but I didn't see it..." he finished that thought sounding a little dejected.

"Your ex thought you were OCD or something when it came to your guys relationship," I asked a little more skeptically than I intended. Jesus, am I a counselor now?!

"I honestly don't know... She gave that as one of her excuses for the break-up. I gave up trying to figure her reasoning out honestly... I'm over it."

It was taking every ounce of willpower I had to not jump this conversation ahead twenty paces. AUGH!!! What am I doing here?! Oh, and I don't believe you are over being hurt. "Well, I don't understand what you're trying to tell me Blake..." That is the perfect opening dude! Tell me something about wanting to impress me, wanting to get to know me, something...

He looked confused for split second, "Truth... I like you. I just didn't think out the distance problem and what that might be like... I mean if you were interested also."

ABOUT FUCKING TIME!! Okay, he's steering the conversation back to where it needs to be! Blake almost looked like he was expecting me to slam a door in his face after revealing the 'I like you' statement. Of course I wouldn't, but hearing that the long distance thing was a hang-up made it seem like he'd had second thoughts about pursuing anything further. Guess that's why you didn't come looking for me before I left.

"Well, I've spent over half my time here in Vegas this week thinking you weren't interested in me at all. Then last night was the most romantic beginning of any date, or whatever you want to call last night, I've ever experienced," I had said all that without taking a breath - breathe, slow down, "I'm not sure what to think now... Sounds like it was over before anything had a chance to begin."

"Well, that's not how I intended the evening to end at all Brea... I thought I said something that screwed up any chance to get to know you better. Then after that all I could focus on was, well I already told you..." he shifted on the desk slightly as if he were uncomfortable.

"So that's it? If we tried to explore something between us it wouldn't work because I'm an hour and ten minutes away by Southwest airlines or two-and-a-half if you flew yourself," I said softly. I already sensed his answer. This wasn't going to work out, I could feel it emanating from Blake as if he just spray painted it on the wall behind him to make it crystal clear...

"I'm sorry Brea, I never meant to..."

I stood before he could finish, "Well, better to know now..." I never got to finish my thought because the lump in my throat was choking me out. I turned to make my exit and I made it to the door before the tears began falling - thankfully he didn't get to see that. I feel like he might have said something as I was walking out, no way I could have heard anything with the fucking ringing in my ears...

Friday, May 2nd 8:12 PM
Vegas had been such a roller coaster ride of emotions that my desire to sing again took some time to finally come back to me. Bill was good about not pressuring me and mom said it was good that I took a break. Everyone knew about Blake and that I had confronted him - thankfully everyone was super supportive. They also didn't press me for every detail of our encounter like they had over breakfast the day we left Vegas. Amen to that!

That break from performing ended up being four weeks. It took four long weeks for me to feel like singing in the amateur show case at the jazz club again. And last week, even though I had signed up for a slot, and Bill and I had practiced a song, I couldn't bring myself to perform. Was my confidence shot to shit? Maybe... I had told Gary I couldn't perform right before it was my turn to take the stage. Thank God he was cool about my pulling out at the last minute. It's not like I was on some printed program or part of some contest... The rest of the show went on as expected and the audience was none the wiser. In hind sight, I probably could have preformed - but I would have sucked and I know my heart wasn't in it.

The long layoff from singing was marked by the most intense bouts of dysphoria I had ever dealt with since beginning my transition. I pretty much questioned every decision I had ever made regarding my transition. My want to sing and do all those things I loved doing took a back seat while I dealt with righting that gray matter between my ears. Maybe there was a little healing I needed for my heart too... Whatever!

Thankfully I was able to pour myself into my job, discuss some of what I was going through with mom and Kaley, and survived that low-point in my life without looking for a permanent exit. Amen for my support network and being able to unload my internal strife. Performing tonight though, that would be the real lift I needed to getting back into being me, feeling normal, complete again.

In the thirty-two days since I'd left Las Vegas the only word I had gotten from there was that the PBS documentary would air locally on July 27th. Karen Cole had called me to give me the date a couple weeks ago. I didn't ask about anything else and she didn't offer any other bits of news from the Grand Cayman Hotel I might be curious to know. I was fine with that though, move'n on was healthy... We'd already planned a big BBQ party for the PBS special. I was anxious to see how they put it all together and to see how Dana beat me given Bill's review of his performance.

Since I had flopped last week, well - not really flopped since I didn't perform, I had special guests in the audience tonight. Mom, Kaley (of course), and Charles were in attendance. Since they were here to see me sing I wasn't going to pull out of performing tonight - even though I was resigned to singing tonight whether they were here or not. I needed tonight, to get back my Mojo. Them being here didn't add any pressure... Yeah, right! I chuckled to myself, while I reached up and adjusted my In-Ear-Monitors. They were new - courtesy of mom. Damn, my mom was so cool... Guess I have no excuses tonight for being flat!

I looked across the stage at Gary and he smiled back at me - guess he wasn't mad about last week. That's good... The audience began applauding as the singer finished her fade. Gary joined her on stage, there was more applause for Bill when Gary waved a hand in his direction, and then I heard my name. That's my queue. Breathe. You got this...

I walked on stage, but instead of posting up at the microphone, went over to Bill and gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek. I could hear Kaley whistling and as I made my way to the microphone I waved at the table she and my 'Team Breanna' were sitting at. Bill had chopped the song we were doing down from something over six minutes to just enough musical genius piano accompaniment to capture all the lyrics and with a little ivory tickling homage to the original at the end to close it out.

At center stage I took the microphone in my hands, looked at my hands, and Bill began playing... The piano softly set the stage for me and the shortened intro would leave no doubt what was coming, even without the signature guitar riffs. I looked out at the audience and began on the mark Bill and I had practiced, "On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair... Warm smell of colitas rising up through the air..."

Friday, May 2nd 8:17 PM
"Last thing I remember I was running for the door... I had to find the passage back to the place I was before... 'Relax,' said the night man, 'We are programmed to receive... You can check out any time you like but you can...," I held that note, dropped out of it, and sang to silence after a planned pause, "Never leave..." Bill's fading solo at the end worked so well the audience erupted with applause before he hit the last few keys. As soon as the song began there were cellphone flash lights lighting up the bar area and by the end of the song over half the audience was participating. The swaying lights were kind of mesmerizing as I was singing, but now it was comical watching them with their phones glowing and trying to clap at the same time!

OMG! What a rush! I looked back towards Bill and he was all smiles. We had just kicked that songs ass! Between the applause and my feeling more alive than I'd felt in weeks I totally missed Gary's announcing my exit or him calling out Bill's...

"Ladies and gentlemen..."

I could hear the voice through my IEM's, but the voice wasn't Gary's. I looked to my left... What the fuck...

"Breanna Calloway..."

Between the applause and seeing it was Blake on the microphone, I wasn't sure what was going on. I glance back at Bill with a questioning look - he just smiled back at me. Blake joined me center stage and was looking out at the audience. What the fuck is going on?! What are you doing here? My heart literally skipped several beats upon seeing Blake. To say I was shocked would be the understatement of the year...

"Good evening," Blake began, "You all know Bill Carter on piano..." That garnered another round of raucous applause. I'm pretty sure I heard Kaley whistling again. Blake raised his hands and audience quickly fell silent, "A little over a month ago Ms. Calloway here entered a singing competition in Las Vegas put on by the Grand Cayman Hotel and Casino. It was held over a couple days and she missed placing by a half-a-point. I'm here tonight to award Ms. Calloway five-thousand dollars..."

Blake had tried to say more, but was drown out by applause, "Thank you... Yes, due to a disqualification of our third place contestant Ms. Calloway was moved up to third place," Blake pulled an envelope from his jacket and handed it to me, "Congratulations... Breanna Calloway everyone..."

There was more applause and Blake put a hand on my shoulder, then waved his other toward the right side of the stage. Gary, was now addressing the audience and setting up the next singer as Blake followed me off stage.

What had just happened?

--------------------------------------------
Authors Note: Don't be afraid to "Like" this story if it's doing anything for you (you don't have to have an account to do so and there are no prizes for most likes). If there are problems or you have criticism you'd like to share publicly or via a message or email ([email protected]) - I'd love to address them if I can. I'm trying to grow as a story teller, I'm far from perfect, so any help is much appreciated. Thanks for reading...