Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Thursday, March 29th 5:06 PM
Mom, Bill and Charles, and Kaley were all in my room from about 4:00 PM until just a few minutes ago. I kept saying I was going to be late and they all know it is a major pet-peeve of mine! I hate, hate, hate being late! Got them out of the room by leaving myself. Plenty of hugs and well wishes - which I love and appreciate from them - but I was late!

When I entered the stage area I got several looks from those running the show, Karen Cole even came up to me and asked if I was okay. I told her I was fine, but got stuck with my family trying to wish me luck over the past hour. I assured her I was good to go... I wondered if I sounded more sure of that than I felt inside. Then it struck me, did everyone know about my confrontation with Jennifer? Is that why I'm getting the stink-eye for being a couple minutes late? I hoped the world wasn't aware of what happened this afternoon. Augh... If they did - nothing I could do about it... Refocus, breathe...

Karen handed me the order for tonight's performances, I was up second. I looked the list over, Dana was leading off, I was next, then Lisa, Michelle, Carlie, and Wyatt ending the show. I looked at the order thinking whoever put it together might have done so purposely - Wyatt at any other position than last would blow everyone else's chance at even being considered - that is - if he was on like he was last night. Then it occurred to me - was this order a reverse of the way we placed last night? Sure, Wyatt won the night hands down. Carlie and Michelle - could easily be a tossup for which of those two came in second and third. Lisa? Did she outperform Dana? Or me? Okay, maybe this wasn't a reverse order thing from last night. It still didn't change the fact Wyatt performing in any other slot than last would hose the rest of us - be happy you're not following him. Grrr! Focus! It doesn't matter who's performing in what order! I've got one shot at this...

"There's an open chair in makeup with your name on it Breanna...," Karen said, taking the list she'd handed me back and interrupting my trying to read more into her list than was probably relevant.

"Oh, okay... Yeah, I'm performing second tonight... Cool... I'll a, I'll get in there... Thank you Karen...," I replied more nervous than I expected. Augh! Reset! Try breathing you goof-ball!

Thursday, March 29th 6:44 PM
Getting through makeup and hair, then dressed, was much easier tonight than it had been last night. Maybe the unknown made it harder last night. Or maybe nerves played a big part of it? Tonight, getting ready was a breeze. Did it get easier for professionals performing nightly or on the road? This certainly was nothing like the amateur night performances I'd been doing over the past year... Nothing like those! Especially in the nerves department.

Was tonight easier because I knew what was coming? I'm seriously nervous, but somewhat okay with that - why? What is my subconscious hiding or protecting me from? AUGH! Let it go... Concentrate on something else! Like - we're about to perform to a sold out, seven hundred plus crowd, and three of the six of us were going to get some serious accolades and three of us would get a nice pat on the back for our efforts. Augh... Great pep talk Brea... Black plague much? Want a measles popsicle? Whoa... I am not focused AT ALL!

I hated the sitting around waiting, hated the idle chit chat going on in the 'Green' room with the other contestants. My mind was doing some serious wondering - from worry to senseless thoughts. Measles popsicle? Where the hell did that come from?! Go over the lyrics, stage presence will be key, do some warm-up vocal exercised... Concentrate!

I looked across the room at Dana and Wyatt talking quietly - what about those two? Both had been sitting in here the longest. Why didn't they look nervous? What did it take for them to get ready? Probably less than thirty minutes. They just needed some light makeup, so as not to look pale on stage, a quick comb-out, and then to get dressed. Heck, Wyatt didn't even need hair - he was wearing a damn cowboy hat! They certainly coasted through getting ready for tonight... Men! Of course they likely knew what it was like for us women though...

I couldn't help but feel like I over did it and over thinking what I was wearing for my performance tonight. Why did I think copying Linda Perry' look from her video for 'What's Up?' was a good idea? I had it all - the distressed Doc Martin boots - in black, not brown (my own pair - so they were worn in and SUPER comfortable), the white tube socks peeking out from above them, the heart patterned white boxers, black t-shirt, gaudy lite house coat over it all, nose ring and assorted jewelry, red - extremely red neon lipstick, ratty dreadlocks wig, and of course that signature grunge like leather hat with goggles - made popular at the time by the video... This look would amp up the vibe from the song and I hoped it was going to work. Would people wondering if this a costume contest? Grrr!!!

Carlie was the only one who knew what I was singing just by looking at me when I entered the 'Green' room. The others had heard of the song - after I told them - but being as young as they were had no idea what the video for the song looked like. Hell, I was as young as most of these people, but I had seen plenty of videos for classic songs like 'What's Up?'. Geesh! Do these people appreciate all music or just their little corner of it?

Carlie being the senior in the group explained how she knew what I was trying to accomplish and that she liked my song choice. I think she was being earnest, but a few others who commented made me wonder - was singing this song a mistake? This song was popular before I was born - was that going to matter? Why did any other song seem like a better choice right now? God, help me...

Vibes? Song vibes, people vibes... Why was I so nervous?! The vibe between Wyatt and I - totally good. Not awkward at all - at least that's how I felt. We exchanged some small talk, he told me he was singing Tom Petty's 'Free Fallin' - and true to form it would have country roots laid on it. He was even going to play guitar! The rest of us we were so screwed... If the band was on and he did half as good a job singing Petty as he did last night singing the Eagles - might as well make out that check to him right now.

He acted interested in my "classic" - his words - song choice. I was pretty sure his song was released years before mine and I made sure to point that out. The banter was a good stress relieving moment and we got a good laugh outta ribbing each other about who's song would be lost on a younger audience. Could I date him? No, he was serious 'friend' material - not love interest... Friends did grow into lovers though. No, no way I'd move to Nashville. I wondered what it would be like to sing a duet with him... We'd probably kill it!

Dana? Short of 'Hi, how are you?' - we barely spoke. Tense? No, but uncomfortable something, something going on? Yup! I had more sidebar conversations with Lisa, Carlie, and Michelle - with fifty times more content and genuine feelings, interest - than I had with Dana. Was it me or was it Dana? Was I putting out vibes toward him that said, 'Stay away...'? Had he talked to Tyler? Fuck... I don't care! Not going there... Refo...

"Dana, Breanna... You two are up. Let's get you mic'd up," a stagehand said from the 'Green' room entrance. He walked over to the TV and flipped it on - everyone stopped talking and was watching him. I just wanted to get this over with, to throw my nervous energy toward performing - anything - just not sitting here aimlessly thinking about stupid shit! Time to do this! I stood, so did everyone else who was sitting, and Dana and I got hugs and well wishes from everyone. Dana even wished me luck. I returned the sentiment, but inside I was hoping I could beat him! I can beat you! I WILL beat you! Breathe...

Thursday, March 29th 7:01 PM
When Leza Howell took the stage the applause was thunderous and would not stop! Even with the IEM's in my ears I couldn't hear anything but the roar. It was energizing and frightening, all at the same time. From where I was standing off-stage I could see her waving, bowing, and raising her hands to quiet the audience - was she nervous at all? Did being front and center give her any anxiety at all? I couldn't emcee an event like this. I'm not even sure how I could sing in front of a crowd and it didn't tip me over. Singing was different, right?

Eventually the applause died down and Leza jumped into a speech extolling the event as validation for all, especially those who were Transgendered. I got serious chills, goose bumps, when she exclaimed - "We are valid and we will not be erased! Our rights won't be taken without a fight!" The audience went crazy again and after sixty seconds calmed down enough for her to continue. She explained the competition - including the twenty-thousand dollar first place prize; ten-thousand dollars for second; five-thousand for third, named all of us in the finale, and ended her announcement by announcing the first finalist - Dana Warnick. The applause - insane again and I watched Dana walk center stage full of confidence. I can beat you, I will beat you tonight...

When the music began playing, it took me a couple seconds to fully recognize what he was going to be singing - Justin Bieber', 'What Do You Mean?'. When Dana started singing, my heart sank...

Thursday, March 29th 7:08 PM
The audiences reaction to his performance was no less spirited than that given to Wyatt after his performance last night. Dana could have put a mannequin of Bieber on stage, sang from behind a curtain, and the audience would have thought Bieber was doing an impromptu concert for this Transgender Day of Visibility event. Combine his obvious singing ability; with his ability to work the stage; his dancing - the man could dance; and actually sitting on the edge of the stage and singing to the front row full of women - who went bat-shit crazy - he absolutely put himself in the top three with that performance.

My nerves, anxiety, and even some dread were trying their best to come up from my stomach. Breathe... I tried humming warm-up exercises, shaking my hands at my side, bending at the waist a couple of times for good measure - all in an attempt to re-center myself. The applause went on and on - very distracting... Leza Howell was on stage saying something, then I heard in my EIM's someone saying something - I looked around and caught a wave from Brian at the sound board.

"You good?"

I nodded and gave Brian a thumbs up.

"You got this... Go rock them," he said smiling from across the stage.

There was no way he could hear me, so I again gave him a thumbs up and a smile. I heard my name being announced by Leza and felt a pat on my back from the stage hand standing next to me letting me know I was on. I started the long walk towards my condenser microphone, the applause - was like walking into gale force winds. This is insane! Like nothing I could even capture in words. The rush, the energy... Breathe...

When I got to the microphone and held it, the applause began to wane, and I heard Brian count down from three, two... The music began and the applause faded... The songs intro is pretty distinct and long - twenty eight seconds long to be exact. Distinct like my outfit. It was too late to switch songs... Would they know this song? I looked around the theaters, smiled... I can do this! Breathe...

Two, eight, dozens, then hundreds of flash lights on cell phones lit up in the crowd and began swaying left and right during the intro. OMG! They feel it! They know... Go! "Twenty-five years and my life is still... Trying to get up that great big hill... Of hope for a destination..."

When I got to the part of the verse, 'What's going on?!', the audience was fully engaged and singing with me and not so quietly either. It totally lifted me and I could feel my heart swell with joy. They sang the chorus with me and quieted down for me to nail the, "Ooo... Ooo, Ooo, Ooooo...", before the next verse which required power and punch, "And I try, oh, my God, do I try... I try all the time... In this institution... And I pray, oh, my God, do I pray... I pray every single day... For revolution!" The growl, rasp was pitch perfect, and I knew I was in the zone!

The audience was right there still - singing along, lights from phones swaying in a sea of seats in the dark of the theater... By the time I hit the second chorus I went for it, walking with the microphone to the edge of the stage and held it out for the audience and they did not disappoint. It was DEAFENING - they were singing along! I let them get one leg of the final chorus in, before pulling the microphone back and hitting the right tone, notes, and power to bring the song to a close. It all ended so quickly, "Twenty-five years and my life is still... Trying to get up that great big hill... Of hope for a destination..." softly, but no one heard it due to the applause.

That row of woman swooning over Dana at stage side - rushed the stage and since I was standing right there I walked the line of them - exchanging high-fives! When I finished Leza Howell was saying something about me and the applause and chants brought on those chills and goose bumps again. I bowed deep, waved, and headed off stage.

"Jesus! That was fucking amazing!" It was Brian in my IEM's...

I smiled towards Brian at the sound booth, waved, and made my way through the backstage maze to the 'Green' room. I was congratulated by everyone, getting hugs, and pats on the back as soon as I entered the room. The talk revolved around the crowd, how the song moved them, and how the volume rose when I held the microphone out for them to sing. Lisa told me I would certainly make it in the top three. Wyatt said I was the one to beat and that microphone move was cheating. He was kidding of course and we laughed about it. Even with the laughing, I'm pretty sure his competitive nature was bristling a little, maybe he was a little worried now. I smiled a huge smile at no one in particular. I don't think I've ever felt like this - ever! No doubts, no questioning, I never wanted this feeling to go away...

Thursday, March 29th 7:51 PM
I was anxious for this competition to be over. Pretty sure everyone else was feeling the same way. The tension had taken over the room - even after the stress of performing was past all of us. It was hard to tell who was leading this thing - so many on point performances! Augh... Everyone was still polite and supportive, but we were pretty much done - put a fork in us already!

The PBS people and their cameras - SO OVER THIS SHIT. Leza Howell did her best between performances to get a couple softball questions thrown at each of us and to not be annoying - but she was annoying. We all knew this was part of this show - but it didn't make it any easier trying not to look annoyed while coming down from the high we had performing just moments before the PBS inquisition. I wasn't going to miss PBS and hoped they didn't edit any of us in a bad light. Yeah, we were so done with this competition - no doubt about it...

Lisa, Michelle, and Carlie all nailed their performances and by my scorecard I was second behind Carlie. Who was third? I didn't care - Michelle sang Ariana Grande' 'No Tears Left to Cry' and it was perfect for her. Did she beat Dana? My bias right now said, 'Yup!'. So if Wyatt won this thing, that means we all slid one place down - I could pull off third. I doubted I did better than Carlie... I was sure I beat Dana though.

The 'Green' room quieted down as Wyatt began strumming his guitar on the TV. The audience on cue exploded again and that caused Wyatt to look over his shoulder toward the band and nod - meaning he wanted to cruise through the intro a second time. Smart, because the first couple lines of the song would have been drown out by the applause. Did the audience know what was coming? Yup, that was evidenced by the tiny lights shining from cell phones in the audience swaying back and forth. Dana didn't get that treatment, but everyone else did. I know I beat him, I know it!

When Wyatt did begin singing, the whole room sighed. Not in a mean way or even anything audible or perceptible - but you could feel it. We all pretty much knew that whatever position we thought we were in - add one to that because Wyatt just knocked us all down a notch. Good for Wyatt - this was a singing competition and everyone did their best to win it - he was just a little bit better than the rest of us. I wasn't upset that he was likely going to win this thing - I just wished I could sing as well as he was singing right now... I could be happy with third place and five-grand. I smiled, enjoying Wyatt's performance - I even caught myself humming along...

Thursday, March 29th 8:02 PM
When Wyatt returned to the 'Green' room he was mobbed. It was actually pretty heartwarming, like we were all part of a family or super close knit. He was modest about his performance and the assumption by everyone that he'd just won the entire thing. Everyone's attitudes lifted a little - likely because we were DONE! Only thing left was to see where we place.

Besides Wyatt's voice obviously being the deciding factor, his rearrangement of each of the songs to fit his country persona - he was the only one of us to play an instrument while performing. That had to weigh in his favor - even though it was a singing competition. He walked the stage singing into a wireless microphone, playing that guitar, and looking very Garth Brooks like. I could barely play the piano - no way I would have attempted to sing some song while trying to single finger bang out the right keys. I wouldn't have made the first cut!

"Okay, let's go...," a stagehand said from the doorway.

Everyone fell silent and there were a few quick hugs between those waiting to hear their fate. I hugged Wyatt and whispered in his ear, "You totally deserve this..."

"You do too, Brea," he replied squeezing me a little tighter.

I was happy there wasn't any awkwardness between us, "Okay, let's go soak up some applause..."

Thursday, March 29th 8:14 PM
"Who won," Leza Howell prodded the audience playfully.

Names were shouted and all melted into one long jumble of screams and howls. The six of us standing anxiously on stage could only just stare out into the dark and smile. I could feel Wyatt squeeze my hand a few times, I looked towards him and shouted, "You nervous?"

He laughed, shaking his head 'Yes'.

"I have... Yes, I know I love them too," Leza played with the crowd, "I have the official results right here! Let's get to it..."

Applause rang out and so did chants for Wyatt, Carlie, and I might have even heard my name. I was having serious heart palpitations and I could feel the sweat under my dreadlocks wig. We watched as Leza opened the envelop handed to her by Karen Cole...

"In third place... Dan Warnick!"

The audience went ballistic, cheering, clapping, whistling, it was ear shatteringly LOUD! The front row women who'd swooned over Dana rushed the stage as he took center stage after accepting an envelope - which likely contained his check. He bowed and waved, clapping back to his front row admirers clamoring to get his attention.

My heart sank after hearing his name and a small lump formed in my throat. I was sure I had out performed him, I sang better, I know I did... Sure, he danced and moved all over the stage, but this was a voice competition! I felt Wyatt squeeze my hand, but I didn't look at him. I didn't want to cry, but it was taking everything I could to hold back the tears.

Leza waved at the audience, "Second place... Carlie Brooks!" As expected there was a repeat of the explosion of applause Dana had just gotten. Cheering... Envelope delivery, Carlie hugging Dana center stage. How could Dana have beaten me?

My ears were ringing, buzzing, and to say I was disappointed wouldn't capture how far I'd just fallen after hearing Carlie's name. Did she deserve second - absolutely. I just couldn't resolve losing to Dana. Would Bill agree? Was I off some how? Was it a mistake to dress as I had? What if I...

"And the winner of the first Transgender Day of Visibility singing competition is... Wyatt Stiller!"

Wyatt pulled me to him and hugged me. I had heard his name called and tried to be excited for him, but my brain was stuck in a rut. I yelled, "Congratulations!" and kissed him on the cheek - but inside I felt hollow. Wyatt left us to go accept his envelope, but before heading to center stage he came back to Lisa, Michelle, and I - hugged and kissed each of us on the cheek - then joined Dana and Carlie. He shook Dana's hand, but hugged and kissed Carlie. Was that a message? The three of them took a final bow, but Wyatt turned back towards us and waved us forward. That resulted in a big group hug, everyone holding hands and bowing together...

We all did one last round of waves and clapping towards the audience and as a group we left the stage. Leza Howell was building up the crowd, thanking them for attending and their support, and inviting them to the after party. I tried to tune out everything. Not exactly how this was supposed to play out...

Thursday, March 29th 8:38 PM
In the dressing room I ditched the dreadlock wig, leather hat and goggles, nose ring and assorted jewelry, and funky house coat that were a part of my outfit. It took a few minutes to get my hair to look something other than flat - which matched my mood perfectly - in the end it was acceptable enough to join mom and the others at the after party.

I glanced at my phone, the messages were all the same - "Bullshit!" - except from mom. She said I was absolutely perfect tonight and it's the best she's ever heard me sing. She added it gave her chills when the audience sang along and that she loved me and couldn't wait to see me. My feeling like I was going to cry had passed - now I just felt like hitting someone... I was anxious to hear Bill's assessment of the performances.

This was a disappointing ending. Should I have switched songs around? Would tonight's performance been enough last night to get me to the finals? Would I have fared better tonight singing 'Toxic'? Maybe I missed judged the appeal of those songs? Augh... I'll never know, but I would pay to see the judges score cards.

Unlike last night we were left to make our way there on our own. No grand entrance, no table setup for greeting people - just come party with everyone. I had to take a step back and look to the root of this event - visibility for those who were Transgendered. Take the high road... Let this performance go.

When I exited the dressing room I had to go past the 'Green' room to get out of here. As I passed it I could see the PBS crew and Leza Howell interviewing tonight's winners. I didn't bother to hang around, though it looked like Michelle was watching. I needed to be with my peeps right now - not give a speech about how I felt about the competition. I hoped after the interview of the winners PBS packed up their cameras. I grinned as I exited the backstage door - ya think they want to hear what I think about Dana right now?

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