Chapter Twenty Five

Week twenty nine and we met Kevin, the king hacker. I don’t know what I had expected but a small, spotty guy who looked anything from fourteen to eighteen. His confident greeting and manner was at total odds to his appearance. He was wearing very expensive trainers and a watch that shouted money. He was blinged up. This was one teenager who had money to burn. He was sharp and worldly and most impressive the moment he opened his mouth.

He had started hacking when he was six years old and had become very good at it. His only real problem was when he was fourteen. He had been rummaging around in NATO headquarters files for a couple of days, when he had a visitation from some very serious looking heavies. He was whisked off to London, his parents were told to keep their noses out and he was questioned almost none stop for well over forty hours. The security services took a very dim view of his hobby. He was then asked to demonstrate how he had accessed NATO files. Next he was invited to hack into a couple of other specified organizations. There were then more days of talks and eventually he was made an offer. He was told that he would not be prosecuted if he agreed to undertake specific hacking projects for the government. He also had to give an under taking that he would not use his skills to steal and he was given a list of organizations that were off limits.

All that had been four years ago. He had left school at sixteen and made a lot of money advising on system security, on odd research jobs and in government tasks. For a young man, he oozed confidence and know how. When we had explained the reason why we needed his services and what we wanted him to do he said that he would charge his “good guys” rate, £1000 for the hack.

He was interested in our set up and the work that we did. His knowledge was amazing for a nineteen year old. We picked up some good suggestions from him about the hardware that we were using.

Kevin left us to get on with the day to day activity of the organization. We were busy. The last twelve months had seen a massive growth in our business. We were building a name for ourselves, nationally, and had even had contact from companies abroad.

I was making a point of concentrating on Sam. I had been self centred and too concerned about what was happening to me for too long. Sam seemed to be a bit happier and I could tell that she was tense waiting to see if she was pregnant. Martin had already become the team’s father figure. Sam had already taken to having little heart to hearts with him. He was a lovely man.

I had got into the habit of soft tops and jeans at work. I wore a bra for comfort all the time and without thinking why, I had got into the habit of wearing a little make up during the day. I could almost convince myself that I was wearing guy’s clothes. Sam wore the same at work. The only change was on the hot days when we wore shorts. After work, if the sun was out we would get naked and top up the tan. The only time we got glammed up in skirts or dresses was when we went out.

It was a good week. Sam and I got back to an even keel and I started to accept the loss of my balls. At the weekend Sam glued me up and I got ready for my walking groups. On the Saturday it was the fortnightly group. We had a nine mile walk through the Hertfordshire countryside. The walk was muddy and the weather mixed. I was glad that I had not worn shorts when the showers fell. The weather subdued the group and it was a little downbeat. I did meet a few new men. One of the guys that I had met the previous time asked if I would like to spend Sunday with him. He was an unappetising specimen, but time was passing and maybe I should not be so fussy.

Another guy was extremely interested in my love life and my background of partners. He suggested that we get together during the week. It was fairly clear what his objective was. There were other approaches but I did not really connect with anyone.

Saturday night and Sam and I got dressed up and went out to our favourite fish restaurant. It was just a comfortable together night. It still seemed a bit odd as we got ready for bed and Sam stripped my dress and lacy lingerie off my while I stripped hers. It was an erotic experience that still felt somehow alien. Those moments when we unconsciously did girly things together felt natural until I remembered who I was. My natural, unthinking behaviour was female. We were only seven months down the road. What would I be like after twelve months?

Sunday morning and Sam helped me glue up. I met with the walking group in deepest Surrey. Dominic was first to greet me with his fussy ways. I was kind of softening towards him, a little, he was good hearted if inept socially. We fell into our normal pattern for the day. I spent time with the recent widower and the twitchy man button holed me afterwards. I looked around the group for targets and thought that a guy who looked about late thirties and reasonable looking might be an option. When I chatted to him, he was very pleasant and good company. The only draw back was that he was a mature student who had decided to go back to university to see if he could get his masters and then, maybe, try for a doctorate. He was interesting and presentable, but penniless. He would not satisfy the wager.

Mike joined me at lunchtime and I kind of gave up my hunt for a target so that I could spend a restful and companionable afternoon with Mike. I had completely ruled him out as a target because I thought he had been cleaned out financially by his wife when she left. I knew he lived in a small house, which I thought was rented, and worked alone in his workshop, renovating old furniture. He was fun and good to know but I did not think he fitted the terms of the wager. I was feeling guilty that I had only five months left and I had not got a target.

Mike asked an awkward question before we parted. Did I have a brother that played rugby, because I reminded him, somehow, of a scrum half that he had played against. The player had stuck in his mind because he was so committed and competitive. He said the guy had a broken nose and an ugly mush but something about me reminded him of that scrum half. I assured Mike that I was an only child but that I had rugby playing cousins.

When I got home Sam was noticeably irritable, but wanted to know every detail of how I had got on. She was eager to see if I had identified a target. She was concerned about the passing of time.

Chapter Twenty Six

Week thirty and we had both bad news and good news. The first blow was that Sam was not pregnant. It had been a long shot, but Sam was still weepy when she knew that it had not worked. The second was contact from Justin. He let us know that he had been having us monitored by people that he employed. He was delighted to see that I had progressed so far to becoming a girly girl. He was sure that Sam must be starting to become disgusted with the person that I was becoming. He was also delighted that I seemed to have made no progress getting myself a man. He was looking forward to winning the bet. He finished by saying that he was pleased that I was already doing all my own feminizing, because I would be able to fit in at the Thai brothel so much faster.

The good news was that Kevin had found some information for us. It would appear that Mr King-Smyth had an interesting pattern of deposits in the account that was not a joint one. It would appear that there were frequent large transfers into that account from an offshore bank. The totals ran into tens of thousands of pounds over the last two years. If we wanted, he was happy to trace the account and find out whose it was and where the money came from. We thanked him and urged him on. Maybe we had some small flickering light at the end of the tunnel.

Late in the week I had a phone call from Mike. His son was singing a solo in the school concert and would I like to come along. If I was happy, we could go for a pizza afterwards. I was very unsure of what to do. I had related very easily with Mike but more as a mate in a bloke and bloke sort of way. I had not attempted to be at all girly with him. It was clear from the invitation that Mike might be seeing me as more than a walking mate. Now I was met with the thought of a man being interested in me and the possibility that I might take him up on it, it brought a whole lot of stuff into focus.

I had been plowing on with the abstract concept that at some point I would have to pretend to be a woman and woo some faceless man. It was theoretical and in the future. I had no difficulty with the abstract. Now there was a guy that I liked who wanted to spend time with me, but not with Tom, he wanted to spend it with Jen. He also wanted to introduce me to the most important person in his life. This was suddenly very real.

I was torn. I talked it through with Sam. Now that I was faced with the prospect of being a woman for a man I liked, I was not sure that I could do it. Sam calmed me down and said to just treat it like going out with a mate, don’t think of it as a date. She reminded me that I had coped with girl’s night out and I had snogged and played with a man’s willy. I reminded her that I had been drunk and it had all just been a game. None of us had taken it seriously, it wasn’t real. In the end Sam persuaded me to go. I was then in confusion as to how to dress and present myself for the evening. In the end I decided to wear a soft blouse over a knee length skirt. I was going for sedate rather than sexy. One and a half inch heels, restrained make up and not too much jewelry. I would look smart but not as if I was on the prowl.

I was nervous before the evening came. I was early at the school and stood like a lemon clutching my handbag outside the school. I had been waiting for about fifteen minutes when I saw Mike with a young boy of about nine or ten. There was no mistaking who were father and son. There was a very strong likeness between them. Mike’s face lit up when he saw me. He came over and introduced a very shy Liam to me. Liam blushed and hung his head but shook my hand in a very serious way and said that he was pleased to meet me because his dad had told him lots about me.

The concert was so sweet and young Liam sang like an angel. It must be the hormones, but I had tears running down my face when Liam sang. After the concert Liam, was much less shy. He was dismissive about his efforts as a singer but was delighted to tell me, at length, about his triumphs playing for the local under ten side at rugby. His father looked on with pride as he recounted some of the tries that he had scored. He asked if I would come and watch him in September when the season started again. After the meal Mike thanked me for coming and took Liam home. Liam shared between staying with Mike and staying with his mum and her new partner. It was a lovely evening. Mike was a good mate and young Liam was a really nice young man.

Sam quizzed me when I got home. She wanted to know whether Mike was a qualifying male as far as the wager went. Even after spending time with him on four occasions I had no idea. I assumed that he would be broke because of the divorce.

Come the weekend it was the monthly walking group on the Saturday. They were a nice crowd and it was a lovely walk but no targets identified. We were getting worried. Time was starting to run out. Sam suggested that I spend Sunday walking with Mike and find out more about him than his rugby playing career. I was a bit reluctant because it seemed like spying on a mate.

When we met up on the Sunday Mike was eager to give me feedback about Liam’s comments. Apparently Liam had been concerned that since the divorce, over four years ago Mike had spent most of his time on his own. The only social contact he had was the walking group. Apparently Liam was delighted that his dad had brought someone to the concert. Liam approved of me, especially my knowledge of rugby.

I spent the day walking with Mike and started to find out much more about him. I was the first woman that he had met in the group, with whom he felt at ease. He had always been shy around women and had found it difficult making conversation. He knew he was not naturally talkative and women found his reticence off putting.

Over the course of the day, I discovered that he had a degree in psychology but that he had never pursued it. Ever since he was a boy he had loved working with wood. Whilst he was at school and later at university he had started going to auctions and buying antique furniture that was somewhat distressed and renovating it. Once he had worked his magic, he put the furniture back into auction. He had managed to get through university with only a small student loan. Since leaving university he had carried on with his renovations. His reputation had grown amongst the dealers and he did a lot of renovations for them. He had a workshop at his home in Richmond.

I was intrigued with his knowledge of antiques, it was a subject about which I knew little. When I asked him what he was working on now, it was a set of Georgean dining chairs. He was going to put them into auction the following week and he invited me to come along and watch. I had never been to an auction so I was intrigued to go and see.

The day sped by and I had not noticed the nine miles that we had walked. Mike told me where to meet him, the following Wednesday at the auction room. When I got home I told Sam all that I had found out about Mike. It was her opinion that Mike was the nearest thing to a prospect that I had found, so I ought to at least give him a whirl. I was not so sure that I could con someone I had become friends with.

Chapter Twenty Seven

Week thirty one, only twenty one short weeks were left after this one. Time had moved so quickly. Kevin arrived at the studio with news about his latest hacking. He had found the account that had been transferring money into Mr King-Smyth’s account. It was held by King-Smyth himself. There had been three large payments into the account from the same account in the last twelve months. There were two payments of £15,000 about nine months ago and a further one of £20,000 just over six months ago. If he looked further back there were other large sums from different accounts. Kevin suggested that the payments might have been bribes to secure the contract for Justin. He was going to trace the account and see if he could get any linkage to Justin. He would go as fast as he could but he was entering territory where he needed to be careful. Some of these offshore banks were very careful about their security.

I fussed over Sam as much as she would let me during the week. She did not want me to glue myself up because in her own words she needed my cock. I found that with the use of half a tablet of Viagra I could keep her happy and smiling. On Wednesday I took the morning off to meet Mike at the auction room. He was standing waiting for me with a big shy smile on his face. I do not know why I did it but when I saw his smile I walked up to him, kissed him on the cheek and gave him a hug. He went red but his smile was wider.

The auction was much more up market than I had expected. Mike bid for a couple of lots, a walnut topped table and a little display cabinet. Both were in what the auctioneer described as a distressed state. Even then, the cost came to well over two hundred pounds. I was left speechless when the chairs that Mike had renovated went for well over a thousand pounds. Mike seemed pleased, no wonder.

I lost him for a while as he got button holed by various dealers. I was very content to look round the lots and saw a lovely enamel broach in the shape and colour of a small blue butterfly. I could not resist buying it for Sam. Mike thought I was buying it for myself but I told him it was for a close and special friend. We went for a late lunch at a pub and I returned home.

Sam was over the moon about her broach and was intrigued by the auction. I had seen that you could buy furniture and jewelry at the auction at a fraction of the price that you paid at retail and the antiques were so much more beautiful than the modern stuff.

Work was going well and Martin’s contacts were paying off. We had two bids in for new contracts. It was now high summer and all the members of the team had taken holidays. All we had taken was our week at the naturist camp. We promised ourselves a few days away the following week. We decided on Cornwall.

The weekend was here again and I was out walking again on the Saturday. It was becoming a bit of a chore and I had not made any worthwhile connections. Saturday night Sam and I went to the theatre. It was good to spend the time talking about the play and just enjoying each other’s company. Viagra and bed and we enjoyed each other’s company some more.

Sunday and I met up with the walking group in Richmond we were walking along the river through Ham then up around Richmond Park. Mike and I walked together and the day was easy relaxed and most enjoyable. Mike and I walked in silence for long periods and chatted freely as well. I can’t actually remember taking Mike’s hand, but during the afternoon we seemed to end up walking hand in hand. It was an odd thing for me to be walking hand in hand with a man but somehow it was companionable.

At the end of the walk Mike said that we were very close to his house and would I like to see his workshop. I jumped at the chance. When we reached his house it was a delightful little detached Victorian cottage. It was small but very pretty. The drive went round the side and into the back garden. Inside, the cottage was small, but filled with beautiful antiques. When we went through his compact kitchen into the back garden and I was surprised by its size. Mike’s workshop was about twenty five feet by about thirty. It was fully equipped and filled with projects that he was working on. When I asked him how much of the stuff was his and how much furniture he was working on for others and he said about 50/50. I was quickly revising my assessment of his net worth financially.

Time passed faster than I had allowed and I was late getting back to Sam for my dinner. She was grumpy that I had not phoned. We had packed for an early start to Cornwall in the morning.

Week thirty two and the journey down was easy. We arrived near Zennor by lunchtime and enjoyed a meal at the Tinners Arms. The next three days were spent visiting galleries, walking the coastal footpaths, wining, dining and making love. With the help of my little blue friends, my status as a gelding did not prevent me from giving and receiving the pleasures of love. I may have been quite diminished, but enthusiasm, largely made up for my reduced physical presence.

We had to get back home so that Sam and I could visit the clinic again on Friday. The visit went smoothly and Sam seemed happy. On Friday night Mike phoned. He would not be going with the walk because Liam was with him for the weekend, but would I like to spend the day with them as they went to the zoo. I was going to decline so that Mike could have Liam to himself. Mike was insistent and the clincher was when he said that Liam had asked him to ask me.

Sam and I had Saturday to ourselves. We did the shopping and then lazed in the garden sunbathing. It was a lovely relaxed day and a lovely cuddly night.

On Sunday I met with Mike and Liam. Both seemed delighted to see me which was nice. Liam was a little star he kept me entertained and his father and me laughing. Gone was the shy little boy. He was delighted when his dad took my hand as we walked. The day was simple and fun. In the late afternoon when we were saying our goodbyes Liam asked in a disappointed voice when I was going to give his father a kiss. When Liam spoke the look on his father’s face was priceless. First there was a look of surprise and then a big grin. It must have been the moment, because I went up to Mike and pulled his face down to mine and gave him a big sloppy kiss full on the lips. Before I knew it his arms were around me and he had me lifted on my tip toes as he hugged me to him and he gave me the most heartfelt kiss. I could not help but respond. He felt strong and smelt good. His cheeks had a very slight stubble and his breath tasted sweet. We broke off and looked each other in the eye for a second or two as if we were searching each other for what this meant. Then we just kissed again. We soon became aware of Liam cheering.

“Daddy’s got a girlfriend, daddy’s got a girlfriend.”

We were both crimson with embarrassment at first but both laughed at our confusing together before we parted.

I was pleased to have time to evaluate my response before I got home. I had felt good kissing Mike. The first kiss was for fun. I’m not sure how I would describe the other two. There was a need in both. I could feel Mike’s need and I felt myself responding. What had I been feeling? I had not thought of myself as a man pretending to be a woman. I had not been thinking about Mike as a man. I had just connected at a very basic level with another human being and I had enjoyed that contact. I had not responded in such a gut butterfly way with anyone other than Sam. I could feel the ground shifting dangerously under my feet.

When I got home I told Sam all about my day and especially the kissing. I told her how uncomfortable it had made me. She said that at least I had hooked a prospect. She was very thoughtful as was I and we did not bother to unglue me that night. We cuddled before we fell asleep.

Chapter Twenty Eight

Week thirty three and Kevin returned with good news. He had tracked the payments to King-Smyth and found that they came from an account that was held by one of Justin’s companies. We now had something that we could give the police in order to get them to investigate Justin getting the contract through bribing the purchasing manager. We had print outs of the bank statements and details of who owned what account. We knew that we had to be careful because we had obtained the information illegally. We did not want to end up in jail ourselves.

We went to see our retired policeman friend and showed him everything that we had. He was surprised we had obtained as much. It was his belief that there was easily sufficient information to cause the police to carry out their own investigations and come up with a very strong likelihood of a prosecution. We left copies of everything in his hands. He would say that he had been given a tip off from an un named source.

We could do no more for now. It was out of our hands

I had another visit to the doctor that week. He had reduced the testosterone blockers down to virtually nothing. I was now on a lower maintenance level of hormones. Seven and a half months in and I was well ahead of where he had expected me to be. My bust size was not far off a B cup. My body hair patterns were now female. My fat redistribution was now female. Were it not for my chromosomes and my lack of female plumbing, I was starting to become indistinguishable from a genetic female. He expressed satisfaction with my healing after the removal of my testicles.

I had stopped wearing a corset because I now had a proper waist. My weight was now down below ten stone and the expansion of my hips and, to a lesser extent, bum, I was now developing an hour glass figure. If I wanted to I could now show a fair bit of cleavage, given the right choice of bra.

The doctor raised the issue of sexual re assignment surgery. He thought that I would be a very good candidate for the surgery in the near future. After thanking him for his comments, I declined his offer to put me in for early surgery. Things were going too far too fast as they were. I was so used to having boobs now that I no longer thought about them. They were just a fact of life. I was aware when most men talked to me, their eyes kept drifting down to my chest. When Sam and I made love or just cuddled, I was very aware of the pleasure to be gained when she played with my nipples and kneaded and caressed my boobs. I found myself taking a little longer in the shower in the morning while I washed my boobs. My nipples seemed to engorge and stiffen at the slightest provocation. I even found myself thinking about Mike in the shower and my nipples responded with a vengeance.

It was now high summer and work was still going at a manic pace. We were able to pay a big bonus to all our team. Martin was a bit embarrassed about his. He asked if we could put it into a charitable fund instead of paying him. He suggested that we start a charity to help people, from a deprived background, buy books at university. He even agreed to do all the work setting up the charity. We left him to it.

We heard nothing from our policeman friend. He had said that he would get in touch as soon as any progress was made. I worked hard at keeping close to Sam. She was totally at ease with me as Jen now and we chatted about clothes and home and make up as well as books politics and the arts. We were the very closest of girlfriends. We did not go to the lesbian club anymore. Sam had found it uncomfortable. Although Sam was very close to Jen, I felt she was becoming more distant with Tom. It did not bother her if I did not bother to get unglued.

At the end of the week I did not bother with the Saturday walking group. Mike had invited me to go out with him and Liam again on the Saturday. There was a fair on and Liam wanted to go. When I met Mike he hugged me to him and gave me a warm kiss on the lips. It worried me that, firstly, I had been looking forward to it and, secondly, I could feel myself responding with a tingle in my nipples and between my legs. We had a wonderful morning walking along holding hands, we had lunch at a ghastly burger bar to satisfy Liam and spent the rest of the day walking by the river. At six o clock we had to take Liam back to his mum’s. It was an interesting dynamic when we met Liam’s mum. She was a little older than me, shorter by at least five inches and quite pretty. I could feel her hostility towards me like a fire. She had left Mike to be with her lover, so what right did she have to be angry with me.

After leaving Liam we walked for a while arm in arm and then Mike took me in his arms and kissed me with the passion of a man whose hunger had lasted a long time. I could not stop myself responding. I lost myself in the kiss our tongues sought each other out. The kiss went on for ever. When we broke Mike apologized for attacking me. My response was to kiss him. At that moment I was a woman and I wanted that man. I could feel myself falling for this lovely shy sensitive hunk of a man. We kissed a bit more and then walked on in silence.

“Jen, how would you feel if I wanted to spend a lot more time with you? I am a bit ham fisted at this courting lark but I think I am falling for you. I hope you don’t mind. You have told me so little about yourself. I don’t even know anything about your background or who you live with. You could even be married for all I know, but I like being with you and I am sure you will let me in on some of your mysteries when you are ready.”

The only response I could think of was to kiss him again.

When I got home Sam knew instantly that I was troubled. I did not quite know how to describe my feelings to Sam. In the end I told Sam that if I was not already totally in love and committed to her I could easily end up falling for Mike and making a total fool of myself. It was ridiculous. I did not go around looking at men judging their hunkiness. I still tended to look at women. When I was aware of Sam judging a man I was not doing the same thing. I was still a heterosexual male but I found Mike attractive.

Sam questioned whether I was entirely a heterosexual male any more. When I was with her, she said that I naturally used my looks and femininity to get man to do things. She accused me of being as big a flirt as her and the killer was that, before I was Jen, I never noticed her assessing men. She added that now, whenever she had mentioned a hunk and talked about him, I was always aware of who she was talking about.

Sam said that I would have to let things take their course and just hope and pray that it did not come between us.

Chapter Twenty Nine

Week thirty four and we had still heard nothing from our policeman friend. We talked to him on Monday and he said that he would talk to his old colleagues to see what progress had occurred. On Thursday we had a call. He had spoken to the chief inspector friend that he had passed the information to. He in turn had taken it to his boss who had got excited by the prospects of a prosecution. His boss had been in discussions further up the line and everything had gone quiet. These cases take quite a time to go through and I should not worry. He expected to hear something in a week or so.

As the week went on I could sense Sam getting more and more anxious. She was quite snappy to be around. I was worried what I had done wrong.

At the weekend Mike was not seeing Liam so we were on our own. Mike asked if I would go walking with him in Richmond Park and then a meal and a visit to Richmond theatre. It was a lovely afternoon and evening. We walked hand in hand through the day. Every now and again we would take a rest lying in the grass. It seemed that whenever we did, our lips would meet and time would pass. The meal was good and the theatre was fun. After the theatre we sat in Mike’s car and snogged like a couple of school kids.

Mikes hand tentatively wandered to my boobs and I was delighted when he started squeezing caressing and playing with my nipple. If I had been able, I would have been tempted to have sex with him there and then. I loved it. I loved his strength, his gentleness, his need, his smell, his taste. I loved everything about him. When we parted and I went for a taxi I was looking forward to when we could meet and kiss again.

I was not so full in my retelling of all that had happened and how I felt when I got home. I was not sure enough myself. I knew that I had not been Tom for days.

Week thirty five and Sam’s fidgets were getting worse. The days passed and Sam started counting. One day late became two days late became three. I was starting to get excited but I did not want to count any chickens.

We had bad news during the week when our policeman friend told us that the case against Justin and King-Smyth seemed to be going nowhere. Somewhere at a senior level a decision had been made that there was no viable case and that King-Smyth was a model citizen. There was a suspicion that there was a Masonic link that had been called in.

The collapse of our case was depressing but the next event was horrifying.. It was the worst experience of my life. Sam and I took it in turns to pick up bits and pieces from the local shops. It was mid afternoon and I was on my way back home with the shopping, no more that a few hundred yards from the house. A van screeched to a stop beside me and the side door opened. I suddenly found myself being dragged into the van by a couple of huge guys. I was hampered by the shopping bags but I fought as hard as I could. They were strong and I had lost too much muscle. I drew blood from two but all it got me was a barrage of punches that left me bruised a dazed.

I was told that Mr Justin was sending me a message. I had been a naughty boy hacking for information about his business arrangements and taking it to the police. One of the goons ripped my blouse and pulled my bra off.

“Ooh look, she’s already got her own titties.”

With that he started mauling and pinching them, I could just stand the pain.

“Mr Justin is most disappointed in you. He asked us to show you how your life is going to be when you start working in the Thai brothel.”

With that I was held face down while the third cut my jeans down the back and then ripped off my knickers. I felt the man’s huge weight on top of me and then excruciating pain as he thrust his erect dick into my arse. He must have been getting great pleasure from what he was doing because he was as hard as rock when he tore my sphincter muscle open. I was in agony as he thrust and thrust inside me until he came with a massive shudder. With that he roughly withdrew from my arse, slapped my bum and said thank you for a great shag. The second man then thrust inside me. The initial pain was less because I was lubricated by my blood. As he went on the pain continued to build. When he finished, he told me that if I spoke a word to the police then it would be Sam that they picked up next time.

I was crying with anger, pain and frustration. If I could have got free I would have killed him. I was dumped on a deserted street with blood flowing from my rear end. I was in pain and in shock and half naked below the waist. I was bruised and shocked. A passerby called an ambulance and I ended up in the local accident and emergency. I had to explain that I was a pre op transsexual and that I had been raped. I said that I did not want the police involved and they were surprisingly sympathetic.

I was told that my rapist had used a condom so that I was probably safe from infection. They cleaned me up and assured me that the tares would heal and although I had been badly stretched there may well be no long term damage. They had put a couple of stitches in the tare in my rear end. I had plenty of bruising about my face, body and rear end. I called Sam and she was horrified when she saw the state I was in. I waited till we were alone before I explained what had happened. My confidence and self belief were shattered. I felt dirty and soiled. A large part of what was left of Tom, died that afternoon.

Sam took me home and nursed me. I had a long shower, trying to scrub the feeling of dirt off me. I felt small, vulnerable and useless. How could I protect Sam if I could not even look after myself. I was no longer the fearless scrum half who would take on the world.

We had hit a brick wall. Justin or his friend must have been tipped off by someone senior in the police. We could get nowhere with the law. It would appear that the only solution now would me having a love affair with Mike. I was not sure that I could cope mentally, physically and emotionally. I just wanted to hide from it all.

I did not do any work for the rest of the week while Sam tried to nurse my mind back to health. My self confidence had taken a battering. I called Mike and told him that I had been in an accident and that I could not see him at the weekend. I did not want any sexual contact not even with Sam.

As the week went to Sunday, Sam was getting excited. She was late and she was always as regular as clockwork.

Week thirty six and I was starting to come round. I was in a fair bit of discomfort but I went back to work. Cuddles with Sam were a comfort, but the idea of sex was not something I could handle. Sam was getting more and more excited with every passing day. I had stayed glued up for a while now and neither of us commented on it. Mike had been on the phone daily wondering how I was. Sam suggested that I should meet with him at the weekend, but I was not keen.

Sam was spending a lot of time in heart to hearts with Martin. I was getting jealous. Was she telling him things about her feelings that she was not telling me. In the end I could not keep quiet any longer. I told Sam that I was uncomfortable that she was talking to Martin and not me. She gave me a long hard look.

“Yes I have been talking to Martin and it is probably better that I don’t discuss some of it with you for now”

“Share with me Sam, no secrets.”

“Ok, I am now significantly late and I want to be pregnant. I did not want to keep unloading on you about it. Secondly I am extremely jealous of Mike. I hate the way you are obviously falling for him and I’m worried that I am going to lose you to him. The third thing, and the thing I know you do not want to hear is that I have been getting as horny as hell for a while now and I don’t know what to do about it. I am lusting after a hairy smelly man with a big dick with whom I can have uncomplicated basic sex. No holds barred and no strings. Well you asked so there it is.”

“OH. I know I have not been much cop as a male lately.”

“No, for no fault of yours you are much more girl than boy now. You have just gone through a horrible experience and it is not fair to put any pressure on you. I love you to death and I don’t want anyone but you, but I need a good rodgering. I feel that as soon as I know that I am safely pregnant, then I need a stud to see to me. I’m sorry but you asked. That is why I was talking to Martin and not you.”

That certainly left me with something to think about.

I was left feeling somewhat battered and bruised. Sam came back to me and pushed me about Mike. We had less than sixteen weeks left. We had failed with the police, so now I had to go after Mike. I was being pushed towards my fate. I phoned Mike and agreed to spend the afternoon and evening with him on Saturday. He was happy as a sand boy.

Martin asked why we had dropped the police route. When we told him what had happened he muttered about contacts he had made in Europe in his old job.

As the week went on Sam was getting more excited, she was still late. On Friday she took a pregnancy test and came out with the biggest smile I had seen on her face for ages.

“We are pregnant we are going to be mums. Oh Jen, lets drink a toast to the lovely Tom and his sexy sperm. We have done it. We now have an additional reason to stay out of Justin’s hands. We are going to be mums together. I reckon I must be about four weeks pregnant. I thought my breasts were a little sensitive. I was worried that it was my period.”

It was the best possible news amidst all the bad news we had been subject to. We decided to tell no one until Sam was two months pregnant, just in case. We made a first appointment for Sam to get a check up to confirm everything and check that all was OK.

During the week I had one of my monthly sessions with the psychiatrist. To date these sessions had not been a problem. I was obviously becoming a lot more feminine. I dressed in female clothes and presented myself as female. Physically and emotionally, I was becoming more what I had pretended to be. This visit, however, nearly ended with me being violent with her. She could see the bruising when I walked in. I told her about the rape, thinking, that as a skilled professional, she would help me come to terms with it.

I could not believe her line of questioning. She wanted to know how I felt about having sexual relations with a man. How did I feel about being penetrated? Did it make me feel more like a woman? Had I had any sexual pleasure from the event? Was I more inclined to have sex with a man? Did I want to have a vagina so that I could have penetrative sex? I got so mad. I was shouting in her face that she was a stupid and insensitive cow. I made myself walk out before I hit her. I did not think that I would be able to go back to her.

Saturday came and I met Mike for lunch. He was shocked when he saw the bruising on my face and immediately wanted to know what had happened. I told him that I had been attacked by a group of men and had ended in hospital. I admitted that there was a sexual element to the attack and that I was feeling tender, nervous and very unsure of myself. Mike wanted to know who did it and why. He had not pushed me about my background before, calling me the mystery woman. Now he was not holding back. He was angry and he wanted to feel that he could do something to sort my problems out. It was difficult to keep him calm and not tell him too much more.

Mike was gentle with me and gave me space. We held hands as we walked but he did not try to kiss me or hold me. We walked all afternoon and talked. I told him more about my early life and my current fears and feelings than I had in all our previous outings. I admitted that I was very fond of him and attracted to him, but that there were issues in my background that I had to work through before I could be totally open with him. He was so gentle and caring. I felt much more relaxed at the end of the day than I had before I had met him.

Sunday was spent with Sam, just making a fuss of each other.