My entry in the Reader Retention contest.

~o~O~o~

Meghan arrived at Passages at the start of afternoon visiting hours. Dr. Rama stepped out of the locked unit doors to greet her. “I have some questions about what happened last night,” he said to her. Meg swallowed hard and confessed to her role in what happened.

“Thank you for being honest and open, Ms. Meghan. I have to ask you: have your previous thoughts of suicide returned, considering all the problems that happened this morning?”

“Umm … maybe a little. I was stupid and selfish; I put Rick’s life in danger by disobeying your order.”

“Would you mind if one of our counselors spoke with you right now to insure your safety?”

“Sure. Why not, I guess.” Then a thought hit Meghan. “Hey, doc. Are you saying I might need to be in here too? If – if I was admitted to Passages, could I get treatment along with Rick, side-by-side, so to speak?”

Rama frowned. “No. In fact, if you do need a psychiatric inpatient stay, I’m going to recommend St. Francis, in the next county. You and Rick are not to be together for now.” A nurse stepped in and gave Dr. Rama a packet of papers as he spoke.

“I can’t even visit him while he’s in here?” Meg moaned.

Dr. Rama glanced at the papers, then offered them to Meg. “For you.”

She took the packet. “What is this?”

“It’s a restraining order. You are not to get within 500 feet of Rick until I deem it safe to do so. Judge DeShanna Jefferson is a friend of mine, and she put a rush on this at my request.”

“You think I’m a threat to him – that I would harm him? I mean … “ she began to produce tears. “Oh God … I have harmed him, haven’t I? Can … can he recover from what I’ve done?”

“I’m not letting Rick off the hook; he disobeyed my order along with you. So in my opinion, you both hurt each other. Yet, recovery is absolutely possible. But to get well - both of you - you must be separated for now. Ah, here’s the counselor I called for. He’ll take you to a consultation room and check you out.”

~o~O~o~

Although the counselor did feel that Meghan was clinically depressed, there was no obvious suicide threat. Meg feared – correctly – that any harm she brought on herself would hurt Rick more, and she could not allow that to happen. Outpatient counseling was set up for her; daily for the rest of the week, and then adjusted depending on her progress. An antidepressant was prescribed.

Meghan went to Eliza’s house that evening; she told her new friend about the last 24 eventful hours – in between sobs and bawls.

“God, I’m a horrible person. I can’t believe how bad I screwed up,” sniffled Meg.

“Honey, I agree with the last part,” said Lizzie as she fed tissues to her pal. “You really messed up royally. If I had known the doc ordered you to be apart, there’s no way I would have let you stay the night. I could have done that; I’d have put him to his bed while I crashed on the couch, then taken work off for the next day. Or I could’ve hired my older brother Sammy to sit with him; he’s level-headed and in need of cash.

“But you need to shush that talk about how horrible you are. You have a great soul, and you’re really sorry about what happened. I still think you have a heart of gold. You just needed to follow orders.”

“At least Rick’s getting the help he needs,” Meg sighed. “Lizzie, I’m so bad at love. I should have told Derek about me on day one. And now I’ve lost Rick, due to disobedience and stupidity.”

“You’re still learning, girl. And that’s the key. LEARN from your mistakes. You got a late start on love as a woman – you’re in your mid-twenties. I did most of my stupid ass mistakes during my teenage dating years.”

“Rick has some sort of sex secret, something he’s desperately ashamed of,” Meg wondered. “Maybe ED? But people aren’t so embarrassed to talk about that these days – and the treatments they have are pretty effective, I’ve heard. What could it be?”

“Damned if I know,” replied Lizzie. “Yesterday he told me that Beth left him over it, and he was gonna have to give up on sex – and maybe love altogether – because of it. But he refused to elaborate further.”

“It hurts, Lizzie. Right here,” Meg placed a hand over her breastbone. “Make it stop, please.”

“Just cry it out, honey. I’ve got you,” Liz responded with a hug and a forehead kiss. And if that doesn’t work, I’m consulting Dr. Haagen-Dazs.

~o~O~o~

Meghan was in better spirits as she left Lizzie’s house. Oh, she was still down, but did not feel totally forlorn. There was at least one person who still loved her in spite of her mess: Lizzie. As long as she had just one friend, there was hope. She entered her apartment, which seemed a little cold and stale. Maybe I should have asked Liz if I could stay the night with her.

She closed the front door behind her as she stepped inside. Five seconds later the doorbell rang. What!? Who… ? Meg looked through the peephole.

Derek?!

She opened the door. Her original beau stood there with a bouquet of roses.

“Hi, Meggie. I’ve missed you. Here’s a peace offering,” he said, extending the flowers to her. “Can I come in – to talk?”

“Oh, ye-“ Meghan halted her response as she remembered his attempt to slap her their last time together. “Um … I’ll take these; but let’s talk at Pizzagogo. I’ll meet you there in 15 minutes.”

~o~O~o~

There they sat, at the same table they’d been at earlier in the week. Derek munched on a double pepperoni slice as Meg nibbled on a breadstick. This evening there was live music; on the makeshift stage, a lone guitarist played oldies from the 90’s.

“I see the big guy’s not around this time,” said Derek, scanning the room.

“No,” Meg replied. “You’re not planning on hitting me, are you?”

“Oh, Meggie,” he said as he hung his head. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know that I had that anger in me – or rather, that I would ever use it against you. Please forgive me. I promise it will never happen again.”

“Are you harboring any more resentment towards me?”

“No, I’m not. I fell in love with what I thought was a woman; and I’ve come to realize that you are a woman. You’re a better woman – in looks, in personality, in your heart – than most real women out there.”

“Uh, Derek … I consider myself a real woman.”

“I’m sorry! You know what I mean, though, right? I can get over the part about you not being able to bear my children. What I can’t get over is being apart from you.

“Also, I think I know why I reacted the way I did. I’ve never told you about my cousin Denny. He and I were so close over the years, best buds whenever our families got together. He announced last year that he had always wished he’d been a girl, and started on medicines to make him curvy. I felt pretty betrayed, and begged him to reconsider; his family and friends did too. Now he’s living as a woman full time, but he’s obviously not a natural one. Tall, square jaw, deep voice. All I can see when I’m around him-“

“Her,” Meghan corrected. “When you’re around HER.”

“Okay. HER,” Derek mumbled. “All I can see is a shadow of the buddy I lost. She wants to be friends with me, but I’m nervous just being around her. So that frustration may have fed into how I acted the other day. Whatever. I’ve come to terms with your reality, though, and I realize I’m madly in love with you; I plan on making you my wife one day soon.”

Meghan’s heart skipped a beat; she still had feelings for this man. “Tell me, lover. Tell me what you love about me.”

“Your eyes. Green like a field of Ireland grass. Your sexy body – I’m not going to elaborate much on that, or I won’t be able to walk out of here without a hard-on limp. Your femininity. Your long red hair and the way it smells of flowers. The fact that you’re completely passable, and know how to keep a secret.”

“Hmm?” Meg’s eyes narrowed. “What secret?”

“You know,” Derek whispered, leaning over to speak into her ear. “That you’re a transsexual.”

“I’d need to keep that a secret from…”

“From everyone!” he breathed. “Or you’ll be an outcast; I’ll be an outcast too! None of my family and friends would have anything to do with us. But you’re so completely female in your looks; no one will ever suspect. All we need to do is keep it that way.”

“So you’re ashamed of my … trans status.”

“Well I’m definitely not proud of it! It’s not something to be proud of.”

“Derek. Your family will find out eventually. My parents know.”

“Well, we just have to make sure that your parents and mine never meet.”

She put her breadstick down, and swallowed hard. Water welled in her eyes as she spoke: “Goodbye, Derek.” She stood up.

“Wait – wait, wait Meggie!” Derek hissed, his face flushing. “Okay, okay; maybe I can learn to live with people knowing about you. Just – just bear with me, okay? Give me a chance, alright?”

Meg looked up at the guitar player, who was just ending his current song. Gazing back at Derek now, she said “Okay. Here’s your chance.” She walked up to the stage where the musician was, and told him “excuse me” as she grabbed the microphone.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, ladies and gentlemen. I have an important announcement to make.”

Meg could see Derek’s face from the stage; it was now white as a sheet.

She continued. “I am a girl, but I was born a boy. I am a transgender woman. Anyone who wants to be my friend should not be ashamed of me, or afraid of what others think. Thank you.”

There was one “get off the stage” – but many more positive, like “You go girl” and “Hey beautiful, what’s your number?” As she stepped back down to the restaurant floor, she looked for Derek again. But he was long gone.

“And that, mister, was your chance. Your last one,” she muttered quietly.

~o~O~o~

Rick was undergoing intense therapy at Passages. On the fourth day of his stay, Dr. Rama approached him with news.

“Rick, there’s someone who has called and asked for permission to visit you. Your wife, Beth.”

Rick had been sitting in one of the communal room high backed chairs, eyes closed. This news snapped him to full attention. “What – what does she want?”

“I don’t know. I’ll ask her. If I feel that she intends to harm you verbally, I won’t allow it. But your divorce is just barely filed, and you are going to have to interact with her eventually. If the meeting occurs here, then we can manage any bad reaction you may have.”

The next day, Rick sat facing Beth in a small meeting room. The main nurse station had a security camera view to monitor the interaction by video but not audio.

Both spouses sat silently, waiting for the other to begin. Finally one spoke.

“Hello, Rick.”

“Beth.”

“Are you okay, now? Still want to kill yourself?”

Rick sighed and ran his fingers through his thick hair. “Why are you here, Beth? Did you come to mock me? To give me an update on ‘Michael’? Maybe to gloat about how many times he’s fu-“

“That’s over, Rick. As soon as he hit me – for not wanting to get into bondage and domination play. It’s taking a lot of makeup to hide the bruise he gave me.”

“That’s too bad. He was so good in bed; what a waste,” Rick sneered.

“Yeah, he was… “ Beth squinted her eyes and shook her head. “No, dammit – I’m not here to talk about him. I was worried about you. I figured you’d be down when I left, but I had no idea you’d go suicidal. Now I feel guilty; I should have softened the blow somehow.”

“Beth. I walked in on you two in bed. How were you gonna soften that?”

“Rick. I need to get back together with you. I feel scared; that hit from Michael has me worried he’s going to come and try to do worse. He won’t if you’re around. I’ve lost my best friend over this – Lizzie resents me for breaking up with you. I feel so alone. It would be a comfort to have you back – once you get out of here, of course.”

“So you need my presence and protection. What do I get out of it?”

“Why, you get me, Rick. I’m your wife. I know you still love me. I can kiss you and hug you, and love you as best I can.”

“As best you can?” Rick’s eyes narrowed. “Yes I still love you, Beth. I think I always will. Do you love me? Are you in love with me?”

“I … sure. Yes. Yes I am.”

“As long as I allow you to get dick somewhere, right?”

Beth had a pained expression on her face. “Please, Rick. It would only be a once in a while thing.. “

“Beth. File for the divorce. I’ll be generous. You can use the money to buy you a bodyguard. But I’ll never be yours – ever again. Goodbye to you, now and forever. Now get out of my sight,” he said as tears began to pour from his eyes.

~o~O~o~

The declaration Meg made at Pizzagogo seemed to do wonders for her resolve, and her psyche. Her counselor noted her new attitude, which showed more strength and less fear. The antidepressants may have been helping some, but they hadn’t had time to fully kick in; Lizzie took note of her personal growth too.

At work, Meghan “came out” to her boss for the first time. It went well. She then informed the office staff. Though her counselor had said this disclosure was not necessary, Meg felt the need to address the issue and take pride in who she was, who she’d become – a rite of passage, a conquering of her fears.

Then one day she received a phone call from an unknown number. “Hello?” she answered.

“Hello, Miss Meghan. This is Dr. Rama from Passages hospital. How are you today?”

“Doctor Rama! Is Rick okay? It’s been a week since he was put in there!”

“Yes – he’s shown quite a lot of improvement. I need for you to come down here so he can talk to you; he has some things to tell you. Can you come this afternoon?”

“I’m at work and won’t get off until 6 pm – I can come right over at that time!”

“No; I need you to come during full staffing hours. Is tomorrow morning possible?”

“Yes. Ah … does this mean the restraining order is cancelled?”

“No, it’s still in effect; I’m suspending it for this meeting, because it is necessary for Rick’s recovery. That’s all I’m prepared to tell you; he’ll get into the rest. Be here at 9 am promptly, please.”

~o~O~o~

Meghan parked her car in the Passages parking lot at 8:39 am. She walked briskly through the main entrance into the lobby, then straight into the women’s bathroom there.

She checked her appearance in the mirror. Most of her outfits, even for work, emphasized her considerable assets, especially her breasts and legs. The ensemble she had on today purposely did not do that. A loose fitting white blouse covered by a sweater jacket; black slacks and flats. This was especially to show Dr. Rama that she wasn’t here to try to stimulate Rick.

Satisfied with her look, she walked out to the reception desk. “Hi. I’m Meghan McConnell. Dr. Rama is expecting me?”

The woman at the desk made a quick call then put the phone down. “They’re almost ready for you. Dr. Rama will come and escort you to the meeting room in a few minutes. Feel free to have a seat.”

Meg turned to pick out a chair, but suddenly heard behind her “Hello, Miss Meghan.” It was the doctor. “I appreciate your being here on time – even a little early. We’re all ready, so follow me please.” He held open the locking door to the inpatient area.

~o~O~o~

The meeting room was well appointed with framed art, soft furniture and plenty of boxes of tissues. Meghan entered to see Rick sitting in a big chair; he wore a blue T-shirt and gray sweat pants. His face looked a little weathered; he smiled slightly at Meg, yet she thought she could see pain in his eyes as she sat down. Dr. Rama took a seat also, and cleared his throat.

“I’m going to be here to make sure the conversation stays therapeutic; otherwise, I’ll be silent. You may proceed, Rick.”

Rick coughed, then smiled. “Hello, Meg. You look great.”

She blushed. “It’s so good to see you again Rick. I’ve been praying for you multiple times a day while you’ve been here. It’s my fault you’re in here anyway.”

He shook his head. “No, both of us –“

“This was all my fault!” she cried, grabbing a tissue box. “I wasn’t supposed to get physical with you. I should have told Lizzie about Dr. Rama’s order. At the very least I should have slept on the floor; should've realized we’d be vulnerable if we were lying together. Because of me you felt like killing yourself. Now you’ve been locked up here for a week. Because of me.” She buried her head in her Kleenex-filled hands and began to sob uncontrollably. “I’m so … so sor- … sorry!!”

Rick sat silently. He wanted to go and embrace his friend, reassure her that all was okay. But Dr. Rama had forbidden physical contact in today’s meeting. So words would have to do.

“Meg. I forgive you. I screwed up too. And you’re still my friend – my best friend, right now.”

“I … *sob* … don’t deserve your friendship, Rick.”

“Well that’s just tough because I need your friendship, Meg. I need all the friends I can find. So I’m not letting go of you. Also, I haven’t been ‘locked up’ here for the last 3 days; I’ve stayed here voluntarily at doc’s request, to get intensive therapy. I really feel it’s helping me.”

Meghan’s tears had slowed some. “Dr. Rama said that you had ... something you wanted to discuss with me?”

“Yeah.” Now Rick looked uncomfortable. “You need to know why I pushed you away and locked myself in the bathroom that morning. The same reason Beth left me. The reason why I’m no good for any girl. I promised myself after Beth that I’d never tell another woman about this; but the doc thinks I need to open up to you.”

Meghan’s eyes grew wide as she realized the importance of the moment.

Rick looked away from her as he started to talk. “God, this is such a horror story. I’m dreading how you’re gonna react.”

Meghan’s eyes were drying as she wanted to show courage for her friend. “Rick. I love you. There, I’ve said it. I love you with every fiber of my being. I promise never again to hurt you; and I will never, ever reject you. Tell me this secret that seems too horrible to talk about. Because if you tell me about it, then you – we – can start to deal with it. If you don’t, it will get even worse as time goes on.”

Rick sighed. “Sounds like you’ve been watching too much Dr. Phil.”

“Actually, it was Mr. Rogers who said that. I’ll take his advice over Dr. Phil’s any day.”

Rick smiled at his friend. "So you love me, huh?"

Meg smiled back. "This much, Bear," she spread her arms as wide as they could go.

Rick kept smiling, but his face otherwise turned sad. "Before you commit to saying that, you better hear me out." Rick looked out the window. "Okay, here goes," he whispered. Meghan quieted her breathing so as to not miss a word.

“When I was born, it was in a rural New Jersey hospital. The delivery went fine; then, my parents requested the obstetrician perform a circumcision. The doc decided to use an electric cautery to do it. I found out later that technique had been discredited and was no longer approved for circumcision; but the doc had continued to do them that way for years. Well, the voltage may have been turned up too high, or maybe the electricity arc got away from him; in any event, half of my penis ended up black and charred.”

“Oh my god,” Meg exclaimed as she covered her mouth with both hands.

Rick continued to speak in a low volume monotone. “The head of my dick is still mostly, there, and still has sensation. But half of the shaft – especially the parts that balloon up and make a ‘hard on’ – were mostly destroyed. The pee canal got scarred some; I have to see the urologist 2 or 3 times a year to get it dilated.with probes so I can still pass urine. But although I can feel turned on by rubbing my dick, I can’t use it for intercourse.

“My dick is scarred, and pulls to the right really abnormally. Most of the skin on it is tight from the scarring, not loose and stretchy like most guys’ dicks. And it’s really, really small; I have to grasp it using only two fingers. There’s not much more to handle.

“I’ve had multiple surgical procedures since, most of them to keep my pee-hole open; if that closes up, I’m in major trouble. There’s nothing they could do to save my dick for sex, though. I’ve been left with what they call a nonfunctioning micropenis – meaning I can’t accomplish an erection. Man, the desire is there – my testicles are still functional and healthy – but nothing happens. I can achieve a climax if I rub and press deeply enough, but it takes a lot of rubbing to get me there.”

Meghan was dabbing away tears once more. She felt she could feel his anguish. Dr Rama stayed silent, closely observing both friends as Rick continued.

“That means when it comes to love, I can’t give a woman the feel of a real penis in her vagina. And I can’t give her the satisfaction of knowing that she made her man come. Beth told me before we married that her love for me would overcome my shortcomings, and we tried so many things – dildos, oral, anal - but two years later she had to admit that she needed more. She wanted an open marriage; I said no, and then all this separation and adultery happened.

“I know, now ... most all women have to feel a real, warm, thick human dick inside them. No matter what else they say. Beth taught me that.

“Rick … my heart aches so badly for you right now,” Meg moaned. “My god, this is a burden you’ve been carrying all of your life! Why didn’t you tell me when we were friends back in middle school? Were you afraid I was going to reject you as a friend? I opened my soul to you then about me being trans. Your support during that time kept me going even when I felt like giving up.”

“Maybe it would have helped me if I’d told you, Meg; maybe not. Opening up wouldn’t have changed the fact that I’m damaged goods. I went to extreme lengths to hide my defect; I changed clothes for gym in the bathroom stall, not in the general locker areas.”

“What about after gym? I remember – we had one open communal shower room.”

Rick half smiled for the first time this morning. “My folks always arranged my schedule with the schools so I had gym as last class of the day. That way I could bike home and shower there. So I found ways to hide this.”

“Did your family help you bear this burden?”

“Meg. You remember me talking about my family, don’t you?”

“Just that you didn’t want to work with them.”

“Think about it. My name, Rick Russo – that’s Italian. I’m from Jersey. I got a family that does shady business. Put 2 and 2 together.”

Meg’s mind finally clicked. “You mean … ?” She mouthed the word “Mafia”.

“Pretty much. In any event, the Doc who disfigured me wasn’t sued because he ‘went missing’ in the months after my injury, and hasn’t been heard from since. Since than my family’s told me to “be tough and don’t complain about your problem”. Once I was 18 they tried to get me to join the family biz as an enforcer. They said I should take any anger I had towards the doc who scarred me and use it to deal with ‘problem people’.

“I never did want to be a ‘goodfella’ though – my plan was to move away as soon as I turned adult age, and get a legit career. I came to Baton Rouge to take a courier job, and was able to work up to middle management.”

Meghan smiled. “And I moved here for college, and to transition without my family giving me grief. What a surprise when I was reading our high school alumni newsletter and found you now lived here too!” Her face now turned serious again. “Your family - do they know about Beth leaving?”

“NO. And they don’t need to! I don’t need her ‘disappearing ‘ like that doc did 25 years ago. My folks could do it, then use that to try to draw me into their web of criminal activity.

“But I am still left with the fact that I’m about as useful to a woman as a eunuch. And I can’t take the possibility of my heart being ripped out again because my girl can’t be fulfilled by me. I think that’s the reason I got so severely depressed – I not only lost Beth, but I feel I don’t have any chance for love in the future. Then when you told me you had to have me inside you, I realized I would even fail you completely. And that, to make a long story longer, is what happened that morning.”

Meghan rose and stood in front of Rick’s face, to look him straight in his eyes. “So you didn’t reject me because I used to be a boy?”

“Absolutely not, Meg. To me you are a woman, period, end of story. Not only that, you are a true friend. You came to my rescue, and showed me true love in my desperate need. In fact, I was falling in love with you, Meg. But I can’t let that happen. I talked with Derek after you left us at Pizzagogo. He remarked about how much you enjoy making love. And I know that getting penis is probably a big part of that for you. So we’d better keep things at the ‘just friends’ level before our hearts get too involved.”

Meghan sat back down. Both of them remained silent for the a few seconds.

Finally, Meghan cleared her throat. “You know, I’m damaged goods too. I can never bear children. And I’m transgender, which in many people’s eyes still makes me an unnatural freak. So these are burdens I will carry the rest of my life. If we ever considered being more than ‘just friends’, then we could help each other with those burdens.” She turned to Dr. Rama. “Unless the doctor feels that we are bad for each other.”

Rama smiled. “I only forbade you two having intimate contact during this critical time. I am impressed with the maturity and care you have given each other during this sensitive discussion. So Rick, once you're discharged, I see no problem with a healthy romance - so long as you keep it non-physical. No sexual stimulation for at least the next sixty days.”

“And the restraining order?” Meghan inquired, hopeful.

“I’m cancelling it,” smiled Rama.

~o~O~o~

To be continued tomorrow.

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