I had just gotten home after my godson’s christening and it happened.

I was fixing the station on the radio and everything was fine and then when I looked up. And time slowed to almost nothing as I seen headlights coming right at me. I looked and I don’t know how I looked over to see if I had drifted over while my foot hit the brakes.

I was going with the traffic.

I hadn’t drifted over.

They were driving straight into me.

I can even remember thinking I have to turn!

Then everything sped up and became this insane blur of tires squealing, the shatter of glass, the crunching scream of metal and seeing this woman with her eyes closed arms out no seatbelt and completely hands free from the steering wheel.

Then the impact and a second impact and a third all within seconds.

There was a lot of darkness after that.

Then slowly light began to filter in.

Something messed up my breathing and I began choking until someone was calming me down and calling me Taylor over and over and telling me I was intubated.

I’m not Taylor I’m Daniel.

But I have been intubated before back when I had been shot in Kabul while I was in the forces.

I could tell that was the case and I knew better than to freak out.

Which lasted a few minutes in reality as it slowing kind of became apparent that I felt incredibly different.

Smaller.

There was this aching weight on my chest which was rapidly becoming the realization that these were breasts.

They hurt, they ached and they were...they were leaking?

Then there was this shimmer and there was this woman there in scrubs sitting on the side of my bed and she has this glow around her. A literal glow like an outline.

“Hey Dan.”

I gestured at the tubing which she was actually helping me get out.

Then she touched my throat and it felt better.

“What’s going on?”

“You died and a couple of others died.”

“But I’m not dead I’m in someone else.”

“You’re in Taylor, Taylor survived killing herself and killing you and she refused to go back.”

“Refused.”

“She shrugged, Free will she refused...uhm hardcore.”

“And I’m here why?”

“Because you’re trans.”

“I’m...how did you know?”

She gestured at herself. “Hello McFly I’m an Angel. You died you’ve been weighed and measured.”

“I was a soldier, I did things.”

“And if we condemned everyone that served their countries hell would be overfull. It’s not that you served or things that you did while you served Dan, it’s what was in your heart as you served. You have never, ever been an evil or hateful woman.”

“So you put me into her.”

“It was actually her idea. So I’m here to let you make the choice.”

“The choice...I’m going to say…”

She holds up her hand. “There’s strings.”

“Strings?”

“Taylor has kids, twins and she is also married and there is all of that plus she has family and friends. You’d not be stepping into a blank slate.”

I look at her. “Why’d she leave? Why leave any of it?”

“She couldn’t deal. She has a good life I think, but it is not the life that she thinks that she ever wanted or that she deserved. Instead of being talked around to coming back she really strongly wanted no more part of this life.”

“So what’s going to happen to her?”

“Rehab, she’ll spend a few decades maybe a century chilling out and getting a grip on her light.”

“You know I’m not a christian right?”

“Cool neither am I, Jesus wasn’t either. Light is light, good is good.”

“Okay...is there a hell?”

“Yes and not as advertised by some folks and that’s all I can say about that and other details of the universe unless you’re turning this down.”

“And if I turn this down?”

“Then it’s cosmic Disneyland and drinks on the beach.”

I think about it.

And think about it.

I’ve friends, some but they don’t know the real me. Family well not really not past cousins that I haven’t seen in ages. My folks and their siblings all passed away over the years.

“I’d be a mom.”

“Yup.”

“I’d be married to a man.”

“Yup.”

“Is he a nice guy?”

“He’s not a bad guy, and he’s in the biggest mess of his life.”

“Does he know that she tried to kill herself?”

“Oh that’s a yes.”

“Ouch.”

She shrugged.

I look at her, look at my body which is still hooked to things and in a hospital gown and I’m leaking which from what I know is why I’m aching there.

I’m a hell of a mess, her life is a mess, but finally a girl, a mom and a wife? With all the bullshit that this is going to come with…No, no this is...even now, hurt, aching and leaking I feel more right than I ever have.

“Okay...I’m in...I’ll stay, I’ll be Taylor.”

She smiles and her aura glows and gets brighter and brighter until she’s gone and I’m back to gagging as two nurses and a doctor are taking the tube out.

I retch and dry heave a few times and they calm me down and get me some ice chips to suck on for a little bit before water.

There’s this guy there I don’t think looks like staff and he looks worried.

More than worried he’s looking at me and there are tears in his eyes.

That has to be him.

My husband.

And I don’t even know his name.

He looks like he doesn’t know what to do.

Honestly if I was him and my wife drove herself into traffic I’d be freaked out too.

I tap at the nurses elbow and she leans over to me so I can whisper.

Yeah my throat is done right now.

“What’s his name?”

“Who?”

I point to him.

“That’s your husband Josh.”

He looks confused. “Doctor what’s wrong with her, she doesn’t know who I am?”

I look at him. “S...sor...sorry…” and I am, like for more than he knows really but everything about him it went with her.

The doctor looked me over and gave me a check over and then ordered everything under the sky.

I looked at him and then at my chest which still hurt and was still leaking.

“C...co….could...I get a...a...pump?”

Josh looked at me I grew another head.

I looked at him and sort of helplessly gestured towards my breasts.

“O...or the baby?”

He looked at me and he blinked. “Uhm Taylor...we...we have twins honey.”

“Are... they... okay?”

“Yeah they were with the sitter, not my mom.”

“We... have... twins.”

“Yes you don’t remember?”

“No...sorry…” I’m sipping at the ice water and taking in some of the ice to soothe my throat getting tubed is not fun.

I look at him and have some more ice. “Not your mom?”

“You and Mom don’t get along.”

I give him another blank look. “I’m sorry Josh but I don’t remember.”

He’s staring at me with that look like he can’t quite believe that I don’t remember or that Taylor doesn’t remember. It’s not accusing but it’s that I just am not fitting the woman in his head or what he had likely built all up inside while I was out of it.

“.................” He was going to say something but it just sort of died inside his head.

“Th...that bad?”

“Yeah pretty much. She doesn’t like you because you don’t value the same things.”

“Same things?”

“You’re….uhm...very metropolitan.”

I blink at that. “Josh this doesn’t seem like a big metro hospital.”

“It’s not, it’s Dixon Hill.”

“And I’m from?”

“Londonderry.”

I think I had a blank stare.

“New Hampshire.”

“Oh...I don’t remember that either. Is that?”

And I don’t, I’ve been through the state like twice driving through in my life. I’m honestly not sure if I stopped for gas even.

Josh looks at me. “It’s kinda well off.”

“Was I?”

“Yes...look Taylor you and your parents aren’t talking.”

“Why?”

“Me.”

“You?”

“I didn’t join your fathers law firm.”

“Okay and you’re a lawyer?”

“I am. I have my own practice.”

“That’s pretty awesome, not everyone’s cut out for working for other people.”

He’s staring at me again.

“It’s been hard Taylor, we’re not rich like you’re used to.”

“Josh?”

“Yes?”

“Did we love each other at all?”

“I thought we did, things were strained since we moved here and then we decided to have a baby and had two. It’s gotten harder but I thought we’d get through it.”

I look him in the eyes and he looks me in mine and there’s definitely feeling in there from him. A lot of hurt too.

“I don’t remember...I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay we’ll find out what’s happening.”

I nod and the nurses bring me a breast pump and I’m useless at getting it on or working so they show me and Josh is as clueless as me and looks a cross between embarrassed and uncomfortable and yet still man enough to watch me.

It feels uncomfortable at first then good, well less aching as it starts releasing pressure.

The nurse leaves and I look at him.

“Talk to me Josh, tell me about us, how we met and what our life is….please?”

He watches me pumping a little and then looks at me nodding. “I’ll be right back you want anything from the lobby?”

“Decaf green tea? Something hot for my throat please.”

“Alright I’ll be back.”

He comes over and he kisses me and I kiss him back and it’s my first kiss as a woman, my first kiss with Josh and it’s a short kiss. And I know it’s different than hers I can feel him notice. He shivers a little as his nerves are at their breaking point and I kiss him again just breathing me, myself into it as I cup the side of his face and he kisses me back and this one was better?

He gives me a look before heading out and I’m sort of tasting my lips as he’s doing that and I blush.

He ducks out and I watch him leaving taking out his phone and texting.

I can do this, please let me have this chance.