*Before…

“Decaf green tea? Something hot for my throat please.”

“Alright I’ll be back.”

He comes over and he kisses me and I kiss him back and it’s my first kiss as a woman, my first kiss with Josh and it’s a short kiss. And I know it’s different than hers I can feel him notice. He shivers a little as his nerves are at their breaking point and I kiss him again just breathing me, myself into it as I cup the side of his face and he kisses me back and this one was better?

He gives me a look before heading out and I’m sort of tasting my lips as he’s doing that and I blush.

He ducks out and I watch him leaving taking out his phone and texting.

I can do this, please let me have this chance.

*And Now…

Breast pumping is freaking me out.

It feels like it sounds, it feels sort of pinchy and relieving and I’m expressing the breast milk I’ve built up and that just feels….there is liquid coming from my chest. Milk...real milk...to feed children. My children...her but my babies.

I start crying as the emotions just overwhelm me inside like the milk.

They’re happy tears and frankly they’re tears of shock too that this is really happening, that this is finally happening.

I can kinda get that a lot of this could be hormonal driven too because it feels that strong and sudden when it sweeps me up.

And I let it too.

I used to hold things in so much, so tightly, so much that it felt like infection.

And I don’t have to do that anymore.

So I let it out.

And I’m crying really good when Josh comes back with a coffee for him and what looks like a tea for me.

“Taylor? Taylor? What’s wrong, are you hurt? Is something…”

He honestly looks scared and he sounds like he’s trying to dodge asking questions about my mental state.

Which I can totally get.

If I was him I’d be worried about me too.

(Sniffle)... “I’m fine, I’m okay it’s just that there’s a lot going on and I can’t really get stuff like me or you or us and then it suddenly hit me as I was doing the breast pumping thing that... that... I’m a mom.” (Sniffle.)

He gets the wheelie table and set the drinks on it and takes my hand. “Yeah we have twin boys. Tucker and Thomas.”

I smile at him as I’m wiping at tears trying to dry my eyes and he gets some tissue and he helps. (Sniffle.) “I love those names.”

He literally helps dry away my tears.

Oh my god, his eyes are so full of caring.

And they’re nice eyes too this deep warm brown that goes with his hair.

I have wanted something like this all of my life.

I’ve wanted to be a woman and just feeling right in being myself.

I’ve always wanted to be a mother.

And I’ve always wanted someone to look at me the way that Josh is looking at me right now.

I can’t look away from him at all either.

Which has never happened in my life or the giant lump in my throat right now too.

Then he gives me this really hopeful look. “So those are happy tears?”

(Sniffle.) “Y...yes...god yes, definitely happy tears.”

“Good…” he leans back in the chair and he sighs and rubs his face.

“I’m sorry.”

Josh looks at me and he’s like searching my face for something or it feels that way and his face sort of gets this expression like happy confusion and he says. “I...I believe you.”

“You sound like that wasn’t what you expected.”

He looks down and sighs again. “It hasn’t been easy Taylor. When I didn’t go to work for your dad’s firm you sort of thought that I’d be doing some kind of high end law out here.”

“Oh...well we’re not all that close to any of that are we?”

“No but I think that’s sort of what you wanted and you had been is such a huge fight over moving out here with your folks and everything that you’ve been trying to tough it out.”

“Oh...sorry...I don’t remember any of that.”

He nods. “I’m getting that more and more.”

“So I didn’t ask for help?”

Josh looks at me. “God no….you are too damned stubborn to admit that you need help or couldn’t do something.”

Oh…

Oh I’m seeing why she was breaking.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know, some damage from you and your mother.”

He sounded a little bitter.

“You don’t like my mother?”

Josh chuckled and there was some dark there in it. “No...I really don’t. She pretty much tried to make you into what she wanted and what she wanted was perfect.”

“Ouch...really?”

Josh made a face with his lips.

“Tell me.”

“You had a nose job and dental stuff done before you even hit sixteen. Your mom was that intense.”

“Oh shit.”

He looks at me and he laughs. “Wow you just swore.”

“Sorry.”

“No, hell Taylor it’s fine it’s just you never used to. It was like you wouldn’t say shit even if you had a mouthful.”

“Eeeew Josh that’s an image that I don’t need. I was that tightly wound?”

He nods. “Though I didn’t know it was that bad.”

“Sorry.”

“No it’s….it’s nothing you had control over I guess?”

I sip my tea and adjust the pump and blanket and start on the other one.

Yes I’m covered.

“So I guess life was not what I thought that I signed up for then?”

He chuckles taking a sip of his coffee. “You were not expecting Sacramento.”

“Sorry.”

He smiles. “Well sure now but add in two newborns and a husband that’s not running high cost high profile law and you might change your mind.”

I smile at him. “I’m actually looking forward to it.”

He stares at me again like I shocked him again.

I shrug. “It’s true...I want this, I want to be a mom and that thing that you did just now when I was crying with the tissue...I think I married a good man.”

And I made him blush. “Well good doesn’t mean rich.”

“I think good is rich and that I just might be a case of how money or coming from it doesn’t equal being happy.”

He’s staring at me again.

Then he’s off the chair and he’s sitting on the edge of the bed and he’s kissing me.

He’s kissing me.

And it’s better this time and it’s so very, very different as he’s the one touching my head, my face cradling my head like that as he kisses me and then he puts his forehead against mine.

“This isn’t going to be easy Taylor, you’re in here for tests and….”

“And…?”

“I had you signed in for psych evaluation. You’re here for thirty days.”

“Good.”

“Good?”

“I need it, and you need to know that I’m okay and that I’ll be okay around our boys.”

“You’re not mad?”

“Well I’m not angry as for mad I think we have to wait on the doctors for that.”

He laughs, he chokes on his laugh actually like he wasn’t expecting that at all and he stares at me again like he’s searching for something. “You made a joke.”

“I made a bad joke.”

“And you don’t do that, not jokes like that.”

“What kind of jokes did I make?”

He’s quiet.

“Ouch… so I didn’t have a sense of humor either?”

“Yes, yes you did. It’s just you were really kind of….”

“Wound too tight.”

He nods. “Yeah…”

“So if I was all of these things why did we even get together? I mean the babies are still breastfeeding right?”

He nods. “You were different in college. I mean you were still you but you didn’t want to date or be with the sweater vest and polo shirt guys anymore.”

“So we started dating.”

“We started as friends first. You and a couple of friends went drinking and we ended up at the same pool bar and we ended up talking and dancing some and I showed you how to play pool.”

“We didn’t hook up?”

“Not at first. You checked me out online and found out that I was going to law school so that sort of made me pass the grade as it were and made up for the fact that I was a leather jacket wearing, pool playing guy with a motorcycle.”

“So you were a bad boy in a group of stodgy guys.”

“I wasn’t from money is all. We like I said started as friends hanging out and things first. I was just as leary of you as you were of me.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah really. I’m pretty firmly middle classed hon. And when I got into law school the first thing that happened was all these women that I knew that would have never talked to me before started to. I even dated some of them and found out that they were some pretty shitty people.”

“And I was different?”

“Yeah you were, you were just like all of them but hundreds of miles different too because you actually liked and wanted to try new things.”

“So we started dating?”

“Half way through law school. It actually happened after we went to see a concert.”

“What did we go see?’

“Black-eyed-peas.”

I laugh. “Okay wow, glad I’m missing that now.”

He chuckles. “Really.”

“Do I listen to them now?”

“No...wait how do you know that?”

“Because they’re just one of those trend bands.”

He smiles at me and it’s so sweet. “This…” he stroked my hair again. “This is the girl that I’ve been missing.”

He kisses me again.

I’m not her but he’s seeing her in me? Or me in her?

Oh this is messed up and I just might need my thirty days of therapy.

*Before…

“What did we go see?’

“Black-eyed-peas.”

I laugh. “Okay wow, glad I’m missing that now.”

He chuckles. “Really.”

“Do I listen to them now?”

“No...wait how do you know that?”

“Because they’re just one of those trend bands.”

He smiles at me and it’s so sweet. “This…” he stroked my hair again. “This is the girl that I’ve been missing.”

He kisses me again.

I’m not her but he’s seeing her in me? Or me in her?

Oh this is messed up and I just might need my thirty days of therapy.

*And Now…

We kept talking with me asking questions about me and him like….

“Do I have a degree? I mean we went to university together?”

He nods. “Bachelors of finance.”

“Business huh?”

“Well….”

“Well what?”

“You graduated, but barely.”

“Why?”

“Us, you said that your parents wanted you in the business too but it was secondary to you finding the right guy.”

“So I literally went to university to find a guy?”

Josh smiles sipping his coffee. “The right guy. Your mom was very specific about that with you. Plus when we were dating long term there was a lot of grooming of both of us.”

“Both of us?”

“They really were set on me joining your father’s firm and your mom pretty much was in heaven we were together and her only concern about your classes was to graduate because it… ‘Just Would Not Do, Not To Have A Degree.’”

He made air quotes as he did this pretty decent impersonation of someone with the whole upper crust enunciation thing.

“Ohmygod….she sounds like that?”

“Oh...oh yes, yes she does.”

I face palm and laugh a little. “Oh no wonder I was such a mess.”

He gives me this soft, sweet, worried look. “Yeah, I should’ve seen it.”

“Maybe, but people even married couples have stuff going on. I mean it’s not like I said stuff right?”

He slowly nods. “Still just talking and looking back.”

“Josh hindsight is just that behind us. All we can do it learn to do better.”

And he’s staring at me again.

“Sorry? I guess no memories means no social filter anymore.”

He laughed. “So you’re going to start swearing?”

I do the faux shocked gasp. “Holy fucking, fuck, I don’t shitting swear?”

He chokes on his coffee because he must not have been remotely expecting that.

I can’t help but laugh because of that and it feels right.

Like the way my body moves, shakes, the feelings all the way from the outside sort of obvious stuff to like how my body feels bone deep. It’s that much a thing and after laughing I’m coughing from my sore throat but I’m still smiling.

That right feeling was just like the soul equivalent of being in the tub and starting to feel the hot water hit all the aches.

My insides feel literally right and I swear that I can tell.

Though laughing like that hurts more than my throat so as I’m wincing and sipping tea I’m feeling all the bruises since the accident.

I take a few minutes and a few more sips as Josh calls in the nurse to help me nd to just check and I’m fine as I can be honestly. She asks me my pain levels and I tell her I’m fine and then we take a few minutes to get me to the bathroom and I have a pretty needed pee and then she helps me back to the bed.

She takes the milk and the pump and says she’ll bring it back once she’s cleaned it and everything and and then tells Josh that the milk will be in the nursing unit fridge.

Then we’re back to some awkward silence between us.

“I’m in trouble aren’t I?”

“Yeah, you really might be. You killed a man.”

“Oh dammit….” I’m trying but it was me after all so it’s hard to know if I got that right given I wanted this, what was going on right now.

“The guy was an army vet and pretty well liked.”

I was?

“Do you know much about him?”

“Some, hard not to. Danny Patterson was an army ranger and he served in for like most of his life until he was injured in duty and opted out rather than go and was just settling into life from everything that I heard. He was just coming back from the Christening of his godchild.”

“Dammit….”

“Yeah.”

I do get swept into thinking about folks and friends that I’ll never see again. Like Ian and Julia and the baby...I don’t have friends outside the service and those were thinning out over the years too as a lot of guys, even girls didn’t make it. Some overseas, some back here.

I’ve been there.

I let the tears flow out and they come really hard and fast until I’m shaking and Josh moves to the bed and holds me.

Which makes me cry all the harder because getting held.

No one knows the real me and even right now that’s still way too true but I am so used to not being held that being held while being touch starved all my life is hitting me really hard.

And he is here.

Despite all their troubles he’s here.

He must have been trying so damned hard to get through to her/me.

It just keeps bubbling up and out in anguished crying and probably hormones and likely my injuries. You go through real emotional stuff when you’ve been hurt or beaten up, then there’s me being me and not her and him doing this and then there’s our children.

There’s no way I can put the old stopper in things like I used to.

I cry myself to sleep hanging onto Josh.

He’s there when I wake up and there’s nurses there and one of the doctors and we go over a few things as I’m being brought some “Supper”. I eat because I’m starving but the best thing was the packaged yogurt.

It all tastes different though.

New body new taste buds I guess.

It’s all pretty much standard medical stuff about the accident and checking me over some more. Pupils, blood pressure, blood gets taken which hurt more than I’m used to even though the lab tech was pretty good. And then it was a trip to radiology for some more x-rays and another CAT scan.

I was out for three days.

Literally in a coma.

No wonder Josh is sticking so close.

And his parents were there and our boys when we came out of radiology.

He literally had to point them out to me.

I’m allowed to visit, to see them while we’re here in the main lobby.

The introductions we really awkward.

I could see them anticipating something.

Definitely looking for her in there or me remembering.

Josh’s dad looks worried and sad and frankly disappointed in me and that hurts. His mom looks half scared of me and she helicopters while I’m holding my boys.

Oh god as soon as I see them I want them!

They look like Josh, they look like his dad too.

Which had them staring at me as I mention that between losing myself in all this mommy talk that bubbles out from me.

I literally had no brakes when it happened.

It felt right.

Like light and life was bubbling out of me.

And connection.

And joy.

Joy...I could not have ever told you before what joy felt like before.

Moved, happy, other things but not this, there’s nothing like this.

Molly, that’s Josh’s mom tells me which is which. “It...it might take you some time to get used to them and to know the difference.”

I shake my head no. “No, they’re different they’ve different dimples and smiles.”

Oh and yeah they smiled at me. Smiled and burbled and made these happy squeals as I kissed and nuzzled them both and smelled them.

I lose myself in being happy.

I’m a mom.

A mother.

Mommy… and this even as messed up a situation that it is just filled this missing chunk of my soul.

Molly, Josh and Jim all looked at me like I’m a space alien.

The nurses with us and the doctor seemed happy and there was some woman there that looked like staff taking notes.

It hurt, it really hurt when they said they had to go and that I had to go too.

And that wasn’t back to my room but a whole other wing.

There’s a lot of misinformation on going to a mental health ward. Aside from the special doors here and there and the extra security guys there it’s clean, even cheerful sort of with summer colors on the walls in a nice yellow and various workshops and common rooms and therapy rooms.

Dr. Jeannie Smith the woman with the notepad shows me around the place getting me up and walking and it helps.

But it’s all so different.

My height is...well I’m five six if I’m guessing and really curvy. I definitely have pregnancy weight on still and just walking around is different. I sway, without trying I sway and it’s definitely from the weight and honestly I’m really hippy and very well gifted up top to the point where I have to likely get used to moving and just negotiating my boobs.

Which I’m fine with.

The biggest thing I can’t help but to notice is my feet.

Before my feet were the end product of literally decades in combat boots and dress shoes and marching, marching, running and endless hours on concrete and pavement.

God it’s literally like having new feet.

Which is a helpful distraction from me missing my sons so intensely.

Dr. Smith introduces me to several of my nurses and they get me settled into my private room.

Josh has to say goodbye at that point and I hug him tight and he holds me some more and the Dr. has to cough and she leads him away telling him about the rules and the lists of stuff that I can have and that I can’t.

One of the nurse says she’ll get me my meds and some tea and the other one says she’ll keep my company while I shower.

The shower is.

It’s amazing.

It’s a regular shower but I’m me in it and I’m getting to feel me, be me and just experience all of that for the first time.

I’m well endowed up top, and down below. Like I said I’m very curvy and hippy and I have extra weight on and it’s a fair amount of it honestly and my muffin top is getting close to a 4 pack of cupcakes but I don’t care.

I’m still really me.

I’m really discolored too which lots of painful bruises, likely from the feel of things bruised bone, deep muscle bruising but nothing seems broken or cracked or torn.

I’m really lucky.

And I’m really pretty too.

I’m sure I had help with that but I’m pretty.

Nice face, very symmetrical in that someone definitely helped it way. I’m blonde, long full hair which will take getting used to. It’s really heavy when wet.

And I just take care of it simply with the towel and the options I have there not like I have a lot of experience with that.

Then there’s my eyes.

Big, blue, long lashes but under them and around them is that darkening that settles in you when you are exhausted.

And even three days out of it hasn’t erased that.

I’m worn out and that just sort of reminded me of everything she/I’ve been through and now everything is catching up with me hard and I’m more than welcome for the small cup of tea along with the meds.

I know there’s a tranquilizer in there but I’m happy to take them all.

I need the sleep and need to get better.

I already know I need my family.

I found a huge missing part of me and I’m going to work hard to have it, to have my second chance.

I got dressed in the scrub like outfit they gave me and the utility panties and crawled into the bed in my room.

I’ve slept on worse.

The pills are kicking in along with everything else and out of nowhere it just bubbles up and out of me as I turn off the lamp.

“Tucker….Thomas… Josh….I love you, I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

*Before…

I’m worn out and that just sort of reminded me of everything she/I’ve been through and now everything is catching up with me hard and I’m more than welcome for the small cup of tea along with the meds.

I know there’s a tranquilizer in there but I’m happy to take them all.

I need the sleep and need to get better.

I already know I need my family.

I found a huge missing part of me and I’m going to work hard to have it, to have my second chance.

I got dressed in the scrub like outfit they gave me and the utility panties and crawled into the bed in my room.

I’ve slept on worse.

The pills are kicking in along with everything else and out of nowhere it just bubbles up and out of me as I turn off the lamp.

“Tucker….Thomas… Josh….I love you, I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

*And Now…

With everything that happened, that has happened I slept actually very good.

But not without misadventures in womanhood.

Getting literal mouthfuls of my own hair and at one point face wrapped.

Or rolling over to the waking ow of pinning and squeezing my breast into the bed and against my body weight when I rolled over wrong.

And of course going to the bathroom which was still something that was strange. It wasn’t that of my it’s so magical a thing like some people might say that it is but it’s strange in how it comes out and how that feels and it is very different.

Not freaky just different.

Peeing is peeing.

And I am more than well acquainted with how to wipe myself dry so as not to get UTIs.

Being trans, being trans woman even a closeted one you learn a lot about the kind of person that you were denied being by fate or some accident of birth.

Or god.

And knowing they’re real...well that doesn’t phase me too much.

I always sort of knew.

And I know that me getting mad and asking why in a world as vast as ours and everything else isn’t going to solve anything. It’s so much bigger than me really and that’s where I’m going to try and keep it. I am grateful for this chance and I’m going to try and do better with it.

But aside from all of that I did sleep.

And that’s part from the sedatives and just partly because I’m both physically hurt and exhausted.

They let me sleep until breakfast comes and that wakes me up and the food is a little better.

I don’t mind cream of wheat.

It’s not grits, but I really don’t think that taylor has eaten too many grits either.

The toast was the worst. They used one of those refrigerated majorines and they get water in them or it’s whipped into them to make them spreadable. Either way my decent whole wheat toast is wet and soggy.

I did get a soft boiled egg and that’s something that I haven’t had in a long time.

Then I get a visit with Dr. Smith and I get taken to her in section office/therapy room and then we get started once I’m comfortable with a thousand questions.

A lot of it is stuff that Taylor should know and some is general questions like what day it is, what city we’re in, my address, who is president. So likely some sort of amnesia protocols as well.

Some things I honestly don’t know like who I voted for. I don’t even know if I even voted.

I know what’s going on with the questions and she’s not being anywhere near as pushy as she could be or like others will be about all of this.

And I answer things honestly and best that I’m able to.

I think some of my answers are pretty different from what information she has on me or what people have told her about me.

If anything she looks a little curious and on the edge of perplexed.

“Taylor I think that’s good for today, I’ve some workbooks and things for you to try and if you’re up to it some basic testing if you’re good with it?”

“Just stuff to see where you’re at with the world.”

“So competency tests.”

She chuckles. “Yes honestly, I wasn’t expecting your answers.”

“That bad?”

“That different, now honestly I don’t know what to expect with things that you’re going to come out with in the answers.”

“Barring watching TV in the common room I can’t see myself have much else to do.”

“You have to do them in the other room, it’s not a good idea to have pens or pencils out in the common room.”

“That’s fine, a coffee and using the bathroom and I’m good.”

“I thought that you drank tea.”

“I drink both honestly. I’m just not that much of a pop drinker.”

“Oh well I’m that same way.”

“Though decaf please, I’m breastfeeding.”

“That’s not a problem, decaf is pretty much nursing gear around here.”

“Really?”

“We treat addiction here too and people need their coffee even if it’s decaf. We try and not let a lot of stimulants out with the general patients. Some people don’t need to get that wound up.”

Dr. Smith gets me a coffee and she settles me into the observation room with the mirror and everything that is used for observing patients and mostly for children and such and I get settled in and she leaves me there for a little while while she goes and get a box of workbooks.

Some of it looks like some sort of basic psychology stuff and some of it for children maybe but different than just regular children’s workbooks and then it moved onto something that looked sort of like those standardized high school tests but again different.

It is something to do and to keep my mind busy while I’m waiting for Josh to show back up and hopefully bring the boys.

I get lost a little while in the thought of them and the memory of being with them from yesterday and that warms me inside and helps a lot.

And it also definitely triggers my body’s instincts and I start to sort of itch and then ache and then ache some more and before I realize it I’m leaking.

I go to the door and call for one of the nurses. “Excuse me a little help here please?”

One of them comes over and I get a break from the workbooks and taken to my room where they get me a breast pump and I start taking the pressure off.

I don’t want to say surreal again but there is this whole deeply right and yet beyond everything feeling as I’m pumping milk from myself and feeling it, feeling all of it and watching it too.

God even if it’s silicone and plastic the act of pumping is just so incredibly deep and personal.

And here’s the thing.

I have never ever been blessed to feel this before but it feels entirely right.

It does give me another chance to really get another bit of time with myself. And as much as there is feeling right there’s also getting to really take the time to get to know myself as Taylor.

I don’t know if what I’m doing is right or normal...is there a normal in this situation?

I just breathe, I close my eyes and feel myself and breathe, let all the weight and curve and even just my bones speak to me.

Hell I don’t even know if there was a point to it but I sort of felt more settled and centered after doing that.

I fill my containers and I try and express more or what’s stored up into the towel that I’m using just so I have a little longer between leaking moments and then I put on a new scrub top/patient top on and call for the nurse and we clean out the pump and she stores it and we put the milk into one of the mini fridges they have there at the nursing station.

And then it’s another coffee and me finishing the tests and booklets that Dr. Smith gave me.

Nothing is that hard really and like I said before it’s competency based sort of things and it’s actually interesting filling in the answers in the booklets. It’s like those school standardized tests only the word problems lean heavily into ethics and morality issues.

It’s not all that heavy either. It’s not like college discourse but really basic right and wrong things and some hard stumpers where there is no right answer and it’s likely more about what you wrote down and what that says.

It’s actually good for me I think too.

I answer most of it just fine but some of it like the situational stuff I think about and don’t try and answer things as Taylor like she was or even as the old me but who I can be now.

I had this whole list of things built into non transitioning me that was things like I shouldn’t, I can’t, I don’t dare….there are things now that are just never going to be a factor anymore like that.

I’m finished and sipping at my lukewarm coffee when Dr. Smith comes back in and has a smile. “You have a phone call.” and she passes me a cordless phone.

“Who is it?”

“Your husband.”

I take the phone and smile at her as she takes the booklets back.

“Morning Josh how’d you boys make out last night?”

“Uhm…..good, we’ve been at my folks place with everything so that helps.”

“Oh, okay...is...is the house that bad?”

“Yeah sort of it needs some work.”

“Sorry.”

“No, no I should have been home more.”

“Someone has to work Josh and you don’t need to feel guilty about it.”

“Taylor….”

“It’s true.”

“I know but I want to be there...I want to be present.”

“And you were, I might have been trying to fake it until I made it or something. You could see this coming.”

Dr. Smith is looking at me.

I smile, I know that’s getting written down.

Josh sighs over the phone. “Okay, so….”

“I get help, I think we get help.”

Dr, Smith is nodding.

“We can do that babe.”

“Do you call me that often?”

“What?”

“Babe.”

“You don’t like it?”

“No, I don’t mind it. Not at all I just don’t have any references J.”

“J?”

“Just trying something out.”

“Yeah you never did that before.”

“Do you mind it?”

“No, it’s kinda nice.”

“Nice is good.”

I can hear the smile in his voice. “What are you doing today?”

“Getting ready to come see you.”

“I’d like that.”

“We’ll be there soon.”

“Love you.”

“...........Love you too Babe.”

We hang up and Dr. Smith is looking at me. “You are committed to getting better, you and Josh.”

“We’re married, I can’t do this alone. And I don’t remember stuff so I literally need him too.”

“There’s likely some bad things that’s going on there in your past.”

“I know, healthy people don’t do what I did.”

“You’re really aware of that.”

“Josh told me I killed people.”

“You did, you killed Daniel but the accident spiralled and two other people died in the pile up.”

“Oh…” I sat down.

“Are you alright?”

“No, I’m definitely not...how can I…?”

And I mean that too.

How can I be going on or moving on and have all of this going on with Taylor’s victims?

“But you don’t remember do you?”

“No, I don’t, I don’t even remember my life.”

She sits next to me and holds my hand. “It will be hard, there’s people that want answers even justice but we can only do what we can do Taylor and that’s get you accessed and better.”

I sigh. “I hope that you’re right.”

She nods. “We can only try out best.”

We actually just sit there for a while and it’s a comfort but she gets called away and the nurse takes me to my room and asks if I need anything and I really don’t. “No just some sleep maybe.”

I take a nap until Josh comes thinking about what Taylor did and the consequences of all of it and all I can do, should try to do if I’m allowed.

It’s not much of a nap or rest laying there living in my head and thankfully I’m rescued from it by Josh arriving with the boys and his parents.

The nurse comes and gets me and takes me to the monitored visitors room and as bad as everything was turning out seeing Josh made me smile some and seeing the boys just lit me up.

I can’t help it but they do and while things are still very off and strange with his parents there and whatever had been between us they are trying to be nice to me.

And apparently I’m allowed outside food so Josh brought me a burger and fries.

He’s watching me as I go between tearing into the food and cooing and playing with Tucker and Thomas.

“I haven’t watched you eat for awhile y’know.”

“Why?”

“I think you were embarrassed by gaining weight.”

“Oh...wow, I don’t remember all of that.”

His mom nodded. “I think that the last few months you really found it hard.”

“God I should have asked for help.”

His dad looked at me. “You’ve never been that kind of person Taylor.”

“What kind of person was I?”

“Honestly?”

“Self centered, I get that you tried Taylor but you we’re happy out here slumming.”

“Then why did I stay?”

Josh gave his dad a hard look. “You said we’d get through all of this.”

His mom says. “I think you were very intent on defying your parents.”

I nod as I play with the boy’s fingers in the stroller. “I don’t remember but things Josh said were that my folks are very controlling.”

Josh’s dad snorts. “Your father thinks he can order the weather to change, your mother thinks that she can order him.”

That makes me laugh.

Which has them staring at me again.

I look at them. “Sorry I had this whole image in my head.”

Josh asks. “You think it was your parents.”

I shake my head no. “No more like seeing those rich people like on TV.”

He nods smiling. “Well honestly your dad’s a lot like the guy that tried to sell out the ski lodge out from under everyone in those nineties movies.”

I laugh again and reach out and take his hand and pull him to the floor with me in front of the kids and we just play with them.

And kiss, like twice but we kiss.

In front of his parents and the kids.

I know I’m different than the Taylor I know, I know there will be a long hard climb up into my life but right now, sitting here it’s already worth it.

*Before…

Josh’s dad snorts. “Your father thinks he can order the weather to change, your mother thinks that she can order him.”

That makes me laugh.

Which has them staring at me again.

I look at them. “Sorry I had this whole image in my head.”

Josh asks. “You think it was your parents.”

I shake my head no. “No more like seeing those rich people like on TV.”

He nods smiling. “Well honestly your dad’s a lot like the guy that tried to sell out the ski lodge out from under everyone in those nineties movies.”

I laugh again and reach out and take his hand and pull him to the floor with me in front of the kids and we just play with them.

And kiss, like twice but we kiss.

In front of his parents and the kids.

I know I’m different than the Taylor I know, I know there will be a long hard climb up into my life but right now, sitting here it’s already worth it.

*And Now…

One of the good things that day was Josh bringing me some of my things.

Mostly clothes and Dr. Smith said that’s fine the scrubs were just because I didn’t have anything here.

Someone washed and folded them and I’m going to say that her styles and mine are pretty different or what I think my style would be.

Then again I’m not her and not from places like New Hampshire.

And even if it’s comfort wear well that’s still all pretty high end shop kind of things.

She/I never shopped at Target or Walmart in their life I don’t think.

And ankle socks.

I get they’re cute but they’re a nope for me.

He brought me the last book that he thought she was reading and her laptop and tablet.

That brought Dr. Smith in.

Dr. Smith says. “We’ll hold those for you we want to go through things with you if that’s alright especially where it can lead to what happened.”

“That’s fine with me. I’ve not secrets because I can’t remember anything so everything is a secret.”

She takes those to her office and then we’re done with visiting for now here at least. It’s time for my physiotherapy.

Josh and the family come too as I’m there mostly getting assessed for my injuries and I’m good with telling the specialists there all my aches and pains and they right those down and compare notes with my other listed stuff from the accident then we try working out lightly. A good deal of this was stretching and massaging me first not for exercise but to check for soft injuries or rather more soft injuries. After that we start really slowly.

Nothing is too bad but the jogging.

Jogging with breasts is different.

Jogging when you have large breasts is very different.

And if I hadn’t been trans to begin with I’d have had no idea where to start when it comes to the arms up and the side to side shift that I need to do.

I’m horribly out of shape.

I can’t even do the first setting on the treadmill for ten minutes.

I got four and forty seconds in.

And I’m weak.

I mean I know there are going to be big differences but I’m weak, Taylor was a very sedentary woman. And I get the pregnancy thing but this is something else.

She really had been giving up or losing that fight for a while now.

There will be more to come of course because they want to be sure I’m going to be on the road to recovery.

And that took up most of my afternoon and it ends our visits too with a high note.

I’m allowed to feed the boys in the observation room.

Me, me with them...feeding from my breasts.

Feeling their bodies, their heat, the smell, how warm they are.

And at one point I’m with Tucker in the rocking chair they have in there and the baby blanket over us as he’s feeding and I can feel the little thumping of his heartbeat against me.

I started crying.

Josh asks. “Taylor what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, just nothing, I’m just feeling so many things Josh. (Sniffle.) I can feel his heartbeat.”

“Is that normal?”

I nod. “He’s still so little so yeah, it’s easier.” His mom nods and she’s smiling as she’s holding a fed, burped and changed Thomas.

I look over at him. “Come here, slide you hand in between us and just be still.”

He comes over and there’s definitely this moment, this whole deeply intense thing starting to happen as my husband is sort of cradling my breast and looking me in the eyes and I’m looking into his as we just quiet down and listen, listen but not listen just feel Tanner’s heartbeat through our skins.

It’s such a strong moment that just seems to stretch out for the longest time and there are these fatherly and husbandly tears leaking out from Josh’s eyes as we were like that together and then he’s kissing me again.

Which was a incredible soft, sweet, deeply loving kiss.

And definitely woke parts of me that I hadn’t felt in that way before as I got...warm, aroused...and that, that was like...a hardness of this really focussed part inside of me, this hyper awareness of the inside walls of my vagina like they’re there quite suddenly or I’m just...and then dampness.

It’s entirely new yes but there’s comparable things enough that I knew what was going on.

And with me sitting and him standing there wasn’t much doubt of my effect on him.

Then we both got a lesson that babies dislike weird texture changes in their mommy when eating and Tucker pulled away his little face all WTF.

I laugh. “Well there’s an Ugh mom...dad...get a room you two if I ever saw it.”

Josh laughed too and took Tucker and started doing the tiny bounce burping walk thing.

There really are few things as handsome as a father with his kids.

Then it’s getting cleaned up nd dressed and all too soon seeing them off for the evening.

I miss them almost as soon as they’re gone and I let myself feel it and cry a little but it’s one of those bittersweet good times when you have tears.

Dr. Smith does ask me. “Are you alright?”

“Just feeling it.”

“Feeling what?”

“Everything, being a mom, a wife, being lucky, missing them, being here.”

“You don’t think you should be here?”

“No, I absolutely think I should be here. I just sort am using being here and all of the trouble I’m in to really highlight all the good stuff right now instead of letting me get too focussed on how big and terrifying everything could be if I just focussed on all of that.”

“That’s fair.”

“I...I think before...I think I lived in my head too much Doctor. I think before all of this I lived in this really lonely, just me and no one can get to know the real me place and people just knew that shell version of me.”

Not one bit of that wasn’t me. I don’t know about her/Taylor but the old me yeah all anyone was ever allowed to see was the surface and half of the time the audience was just me...just to cope.

“That seems pretty specific.”

“I’ve been noticing me being just the only me that i can be and people looking at me like I’m from another planet.”

She nods. “I’ve noticed that too.”

“That and things that my family and others have said right?”

“That too.”

“Yeah I figured, you seem less surprised than my family.”

“Well while your case is pretty different for me it’s not that much out of the things I do regularly.”

“I feel like I’m in a soap and I’m the amnesia girl finding out she’s literally one of the bad guys.”

“You used to watch soaps?”

“Not really it’s just one of those things people talk about.”

She looks at me. “Well there is some time before supper do you want to look at your computer and things.”

“Sure, it wouldn’t hurt to try.”

“Try?”

“I have no idea what any of my passwords are.”

“Hopefully you’ll have things set to remember.”

We head into her office and plug everything in and while my tablet is charging my laptop is ready to go.

Well it’s dirty and dusty but used, so it’s like she never cleaned it or rarely. I take a few minutes to clean it with some of Dr, Smith’s computer things because I just need to. It’s a hold over from being military. I like clean spaces and things.

Though with a working husband and two twins I can see my home looking very differently.

Once that’s done I get into my stuff easy enough it’s got no passwords to open the computer to use and all my things on Chrome are password remembered.

There’s not much here.

Social media is stuff like home shopping, Amazon, Pinterest, Snapchat, Instagram and well of course Facebook. I was surprised at her having a Spotify account but other than those that’s it and e-mail.

The Dr. is right there with me as we look through things and it’s pretty bleak?

She has FB Friends but I see zero posts on what’s going on with her. A lot of it’s funny videos and memes. We both like Disney stuff and she posted things on some of the releases and movies. Then there’s stuff on some LGBT+ friendly things which is nice and there’s a few news stories and oddities like the blue/gold dress thing.

But nothing she’s passionate about.

Not a lot of chat.

Lots of people on her friends lists but not a lot of content coming off of it.

And nothing, nothing about what was going on.

No pics of her house unless it was a special occasion like Christmas.

Nothing saying that I was going to kill myself except for the isolation I’m seeing and the mask.

She was wearing a mask, one that said she was thriving and functioning.

A lot of selfies with clothes ect.

A lot of selfies period and wow...my body did change a lot, a lot with the pregnancy.

We eat through supper looking through it and it’s all that theme.

Not a lot of downloads, nothing really in my documents, loads of pictures.

I’m very, very sure that I was my favorite subject.

And again it’s super telling that there’s no concern over her being hurt, injured, or trying to kill herself like most of her friends were pretty much button click friends.

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

No one cared.

Shit...I mean as self centered as she comes across this must have been so hard.

And just too stubborn to say she couldn’t do it, too caught up it what she lost while pregnant to get that stuff she gained.

I turn things off and close things and Dr. Smith is looking at me and I’m crying.

“There really was no one there was there? And with how I looked then to now…”

She takes the things and locks them back up. “Having twins is hard.”

I nod. “But they make me so happy.”

“But you don’t remember before this do you?”

“No, no I don’t but you saw right there with me. Who was I besides a shell trying to keep up all these appearances.”

“I don’t know let’s get some tea and talk about it.”

We get some tea from the nurses station and we go to my room and I take my meds when the nurse brings them and have a shower and we talk.

It’s mostly me telling her what Josh told me about me and literally being the stereotype rich girl that while she rebelled against her family she really just ended up being the little Stepford wannabe that they were crafting anyways.

I sip hot tea and I cry and vent about it all because I can get Taylor so much.

Go in the service, family tradition, serve, and while all of that is dear to me there was this entire other part of me the biggest part of me that was never him. Never my father’s son, or anyone of the family’s really.

LGBT+ was never, ever talked about, we certainly never had any gay family members ever or anything else like those poor souls.

And that’s what it was too.

“Poor souls.” My family would look down on all the hate slurs it was beneath us as a family but by God we were lucky that we never had any such misfortune in our family.

Taylor’s was like that.

Money, position, who someone was looked at being more that who they really were and that’s what I let out.

What I think that this felt like.

And I get some stuff out that I should have vented about in my other life although a little sideways but still...Different closet same darkness.

Me it was being trans and never able to get close to myself.

Her it was being shaped and molded and getting to where she thought that she was this...empty shell of a person. Not real enough or strong enough to be a mother or a wife and drowning every bit as much as I was in a situation that she only saw one way out of.

One that I and most trans people think about too often.

God I feel it, I feel that drowning despair in her like a phantom pain left over from when her soul was amputated from her body.

I end up crying for the both of us until the sedatives and meds and just getting emotionally worn out kicks in and Dr, Smith takes my tea before I spill it and helps my under the covers as I drift off into this whole place of shared soul deep hurt.

*Before…

Money, position, who someone was looked at being more than who they really were and that’s what I let out.

What I think that this felt like.

And I get some stuff out that I should have vented about in my other life although a little sideways but still...Different closet same darkness.

Me it was being trans and never able to get close to myself.

Her it was being shaped and molded and getting to where she thought that she was this...empty shell of a person. Not real enough or strong enough to be a mother or a wife and drowning every bit as much as I was in a situation that she only saw one way out of.

One that I and most trans people think about too often.

God I feel it, I feel that drowning despair in her like a phantom pain left over from when her soul was amputated from her body.

I end up crying for the both of us until the sedatives and meds and just getting emotionally worn out kicks in and Dr, Smith takes my tea before I spill it and helps me under the covers as I drift off into this whole place of shared soul deep hurt.

*And Now…

Dreams are a funny thing.

So is this phantom soul pain.

Like I said I feel like I can feel her emptiness and while different than my own in not being myself hers was the same in never knowing or even how to be her own self.

I get that.

I so get that and I can more than emphasize with her and in that tired too much in a day and hurt and emotionally drained hurt I really get it.

And my own stuff with my own family back when I had family still alive well I can get why she cut ties and she avoided all of them.

I loved my family. I did but they were who they were and we were just as much as that image invested as her family is. We were not rich by any means but we were very invested in what we were.

It was not that hard for family for me to fall by the wayside as people passed away and when it was just the outside relatives like Aunts and Uncles and cousins that weren’t really close to begin with.

Pretty much everything I had was in the forces including most of the people that I knew.

It was easier to just keep going than is was in downtime and thinking of who I’d never be and dealing with people that honestly were never going to get me or be there.

So I cried myself to sleep and cried in my sleep for the both of us.

And then I slept deep, feeling sort of lanced of some of the pain.

Like I dropped some of the weight too.

I think I remember this odd cartoon very Disney like dream scene where I’m sewing myself into the new me in a very Peter and his shadow sort of way and there were bits of the three fairy godmothers there and there was The Angel Nurse there but she was like Glinda The Good Witch from Oz and then things just sort of played around in my head with what I now knew of our house and of me doing things like cleaning it up and making it my own all in that sort of cartoon way still.

I’m blaming the meds on that.

Then it changes again when I dream of Josh.

Dreaming of Josh and me and our boys and doing things and him being a dad and me finally being a mom.

Which switched to full life dreams like normal ones and Josh being Josh...nice looking, friendly, funny, kind, really kind and sweet and the kisses and then more and then more until…

I woke up grinding my hand and moaning into the pillow with my breasts aching as well as other parts.

That down below wet, damp ache was like this combination of pent up sexuality like normal I guess with this very internalized feeling. I’m hard in the small bit and I’m aching in this way that is only describable as needing to stretch a muscle in the worst possible way and to grip something as well and all of that with this sexual edge to it.

I get out of bed and undressed and get myself into the shower that I have there and once I’m under the hot water and have a minimum of suds going on I’m leaning into the corner with my feet braced and my hand is slipping down and I’m doing more than exploring.

My brain is in full fantasy mode all tripped up with the reality of me finally being me and going through this finally in the right body.

Everything is right.

The feel of my skin, the pressing down with my fingers and the slick slip through my hair on my mons as I press hard but so damned good with my palm.

Fingers and suds gliding over and over my labia as all those nerves are so damned awake. The feeling is lightning erotic sending shivers through me.

My other hand finds my breast and soaps and rubs and presses and rolls and squeezes and even grips and tugs at aching soapy and leaking nipples with a thumb and a forefinger.

Which combining with my other hand send my two middle fingers deep inside until I find my spot and rub and touch and rub and rub and rub and then getting more and more used to this and into it so damned much I bring myself over the edge with these little strokes of my fingers inside of me curling as they flick me off in theis come hither.

Come hither, come through me goddess gesture.

Getting off was knee bending.

This wave of clench and pleasure that is exactly like inside of these spurts that a man has there’s that first came with a rush and the clenching but became these flutters of pleasure and muscles and nerves.

I was going for more and rubbing for more before I realized that I literally could now.

The second left me boneless and breathless as I cried in relief that was over five decades old for me and tears of rightness and passion sweat and suds and breast milk as I rubbed and pressed and squeezed with both hands and then pulling, tugging, pinching, milking in this fervor that was based all out of a lifetime of lack and a overwhelming need and sensitivity.

I drive myself crazed and to the point of grinding out a third.

My hands are Josh’s hands only his will be bigger, stronger, the squeeze, my squeeze his mouth… my hand, my hand my fingers not fingers but him, all of him inside of me and there’s this full on fantasy of being held and kissed and touched and held as he suckles and nuzzles and frankly fucks me hard and passionately.

A full wet dream while masturbating.

And by that time I’m on my knees in the shower.

I get washed and dried off and the exhaustion sort of is replaced by this feeling.

Afterglow.

Everything is so deep, so internal and naturally so that it’s like running or working out there’s endorphins, there’s all of this boosted heart rate and then literally all those good chemicals released.

I feel like I’m firing on all cylinders more than ever.

I’m awake and reading her book she had been reading when the nurses come around with breakfast and some more meds and ask me how my night was and then get me my breast pump and the fillers.

My little escapade in the shower didn’t do anything to put a dent in the supply.

The book.

Well it’s really middle of the line romance book club sort of stuff and not even like Oprah’s book club either this was just.

Like a movie prop book club book.

But it was something to read and I’m trying to get myself into the headspace of some of the women in the book as well as the woman that wrote it.

I sort of can too in the steamy parts.

But I kind of want the other stuff in it too.

The happy stuff.

The domestic stuff.

And what she wants in hooking up with the guy in the book I kind of feel too.

Other than that it’s just that and drinking tea until lunch when Josh shows up with his family and we spend that time just talking and connecting. And me with my boys.

It was more than good to see him.

Even his parents.

And of course I was overjoyed at seeing my boys and they burbled and did the happy to see me too. Which honestly makes my heart sing.

Feeding them both, changing them with Josh helping and I don’t mind even a little of that.

Seriously compared to some of the smells in some of the countries I was in.

And it’s more than just Josh and I talking too. We’re getting closer just by spending time together. There’s little shared smiles and there’s little touches. The touches thing is still sort of messy since I’m not used to those little touches and he seems to be used to pulling away from doing them or trying.

More stuff to fix.

And I’m happy to do it too.

I liked the smile there when he put his hand over mine while we were sitting on the floor and I moved my thumb to rub his hand.

We talked too, we talked about the stuff that I found or didn’t find online with me and while they knew all of it as I had all of them at least on my Facebook they don’t know why I hadn’t really any contact with that many people or friends.

Molly though… “I didn’t see the whole flame war but you did go off on a blocking binge clearing a lot of your friends list.”

“Oh, well that explains some of it I guess.”

We both sort of end up shrugging about it and I don’t have my computer just now and I don’t want to ask for it while they’re here because unlike a lot of people that I know or well knew I’m not joined permanently to my devices.

We talk about the boys as we play with them and at first it was just Josh and I sitting down on the floor with them but soon it was his mom and his dad too and it was about funny things they did or faces that they made and Molly is well...she captures everything she can on her phone.

It was a good day.

It was a very good day.

The next day not so much.

Josh showed with his folks and the babies and as soon as I seen him I knew that there was something going on.

“Josh? What’s wrong?”

“The families are pushing to sue us, sue you for wrongful death.”

“Oh bad?”

“Bad enough, it’s a lot.”

“And the state?”

“I’m working on a deal we might be able to plead out depending on what your doctors say.”

“Okay, well that makes sense.”

He looks really troubled and he looks worried about me.

I go over and hug him with that sort of one arm but leaning on him hug with a kiss and he kisses me back and he nuzzles me and takes in my smell.

Which is romantic or it is to me, even without me having perfume or such. I’ve deodorant but it’s unscented because well it’s a hospital and allergies and stuff.

“God I’m so tired of this Taylor, I just want us to be through this, I want to go home.”

Josh looks like I said worried and he even bites his lip a little because he just kind of admitted that he was tired and he is.

He’s tired and scared and he’s actually pretty brave.

I hug/hold him tighter and I kiss him again and press my forehead to his.

“I know, I know Josh and I want that too but there’s all this stuff that happened and what I did. And we have to get through it before we get to the other side.”

I try my best attempt at a brave and loving smile for him.

“We can do this, we can, we can get through this, people get through worse than this.”

He’s looking at me again in that way like he really never expected me to say something like this.

Or maybe she did and just ended up stopping saying things like this.

Either way the way he’s looking at me, the love and the relief there makes me ache again but not the sexy ache just that sort of heartache and sort lovesick ache.

I’m not his Taylor, He’s never been my Josh and yet I’m really sure that I’m falling in love with him.

The bad, the good, finally being me?

Yeah I’ll take all of this and I’ll ask for more.

I was trans, I was me and trapped and everything that went with that and when it comes right down to it none of us.

Not one person like me in real life wants some perfect fantasy life, we just want OUR life, the good and the bad the laughter and the tears all of it.

I kiss him again and sort of lean walk with him where we can sit down together.

“We’ll get through it Josh, we will….how about you tell me about us, but the future us? What do you want to do when we’re past this? Talk to me, tell me about your plans, our home, what you want for a change.”

He’s looking at me again like he might just cry as he smiles this really nice but kinda broken smile.

“Well the first thing is I think I want to move.”

*Before…

I was trans, I was me and trapped and everything that went with that and when it comes right down to it none of us.

Not one person like me in real life wants some perfect fantasy life, we just want OUR life, the good and the bad the laughter and the tears all of it.

I kiss him again and sort of lean walk with him where we can sit down together.

“We’ll get through it Josh, we will….how about you tell me about us, but the future us? What do you want to do when we’re past this? Talk to me, tell me about your plans, our home, what you want for a change.”

He’s looking at me again like he might just cry as he smiles this really nice but kinda broken smile.

“Well the first thing is I think I want to move.”

*And Now…

Josh looks at me. “Move?”

“I want a place out of that place, maybe someplace close to your folks?”

“Why?”

“A fresh start, plus we’re getting along so well and I want our kids close to your folks. It’d be nice to walk there on a good day with a stroller.”

“That is close.”

“Well not right on top of them, we’ll want our privacy and stuff too of course but I kinda want real family and it’s kind of obvious that stuff with my family at best was going through the motions.”

“Good point and my practice won’t change much from what I’m doing now.”

I smile.

“I like what you’re doing now, your mom has told me that sometimes you just help people and it’s not about getting pain or paid on time.”

Josh blushes. “Everyone does some pro-bono stuff.”

I look at him. “Not everyone and it doesn’t matter I love that you’re doing it.”

“You do.”

“Times are tough, and legal stuff happens to folks all the time and a legal bill can be pretty big especially if there’s no money coming back from whatever issue.”

He’s blinking at me. “You’ve really been thinking about this.”

I gesture around. “Where am I going? And then there’s no point in not looking ahead...it’s the only direction any of us are going. We’ve been through hell, I made a lot of it...I hate that and I’m sorry but I want our life.”

He moves to look at me a little more head on and focused. “I’m serious, I wore this shell of someone I’m not and honestly never knew how to be for so long.”

Of course I’m talking about myself and it fits her too.

But I really do mean it.

It means a lot when he has this exhale, you know the one that you let out that actually lets out stress. Then he leans over and puts his forehead to mine and we just sit there like that holding each other, breathing.

And that is a big deal for me.

I’m starved for moments like this, connections like this. I never ever had a chance to be me enough to have a connection like this with anyone.

We do that for what feels like forever and not long enough and then he gently holds me and tilts my chin back for a kiss and it is everything that I wanted and ached for.

And yeah there’s some of the double meaning for that.

Actually it’s us doing that and getting to the point of betting to that painfully turned on that we put the brakes on and share this half edgy laughter.

Then we talk some more.

About us and moving and the case and just what we can do.

There’s still not much word from Taylor’s or my parents.

It’s more like I heard from people still there online that they heard and had asked questions but they sent nothing really to us or reached out...like at all.

Even Josh says. “I called, I left messages, I even wrote like snail mail old school and nothing honey.”

“Nothing?”

“Sorry.”

I just nod.

Part of me is hurt, part of me is mad. I should be more relieved with my situation but honestly who does that?

Who cuts off family because they didn’t marry well enough or rich enough or high classed enough?

“I’ll write them myself and lay everything out and if they don’t want to reach out then...then it’ll suck but I’ll have to move on. I have a family, and you and they’ve been here supporting me this whole time. I’ll be okay, we’ll be okay.”

And Josh is with me as I type out a letter and tell them pretty much everything that’s going on from my diagnosis, the post partum, the drinking and well everything that I can tell without telling them I was born someone else.

I do want out of here, so I do go with the memory loss.

And after that.

“I want to plead guilty Josh.”

“Guilty? Taylor you might get jail time.”

“I want out of here Josh, out of all of it and to get my life back. I’m always going to feel bad for the folks caught up in this so I want to...I want to do the right thing. I don’t want to be that rich person that gets away with things because we’re rich and you’re a lawyer and other things that people will think and say.”

“Are you sure, really sure.”

I look at him. “Walk me through all of it, not as your wife but your client, explain it all to me.”

And he does.

And it is really scary.

But in the end, I still feel the same way.

He leaves when visiting hours are over and we spend the last five minutes just standing together holding each other and breathing.

It’s kind of like slow dancing that sort of same close, leaning on each other. And I need this. I really, really needed this, him in my life holding me.

And I feel him feel the same way, there’s a physical reaction that I feel when I hold him tight and feel his muscles and some of that stress uncoil in him.

Then we share a long kiss goodbye.

*Sigh*

We end up doing that same routine for the rest of the week Josh coming over after or before work, his Mom and Dad with the baby, I get to have time with them and then time with the doctor here and in group therapy and I even signed up for the art therapy.

I always wanted to try doing something artistic, like painting but I never really had the time or the guts. Me painting things inside of me, or things that I liked was scary stuff in my old life.

And doing a self portrait would have been...triggering if I painted something honestly.

It’s kind of a release learning and doing.

Even if I’m doing watercolors and vases and flowers and birds and innocent stuff to start.

It’s a start.

And we can exercise here too.

I mean it’s all safety set up of course so we can’t hurt ourselves or others because I am in a mental care ward but we have a room we have supervised access to with a treadmill and two bikes and a bowflex machine.

And while women are supposed to be soft and curvy, I am me enough that I want to be in shape.

I want to look good, sure, but I want to be able to do things with Josh and I want to do things with our child or maybe later children.

Thankfully mentally I’m still me so I adjust to a routine that I set for myself and my therapist is impressed at it and she approves of my reasoning especially with doing things with Josh and the baby.

She approves even of my deciding to plead guilty.

“It’s a choice, one way or another it’s a little less uncertainty and hard choices that you took away from hanging over you.”

So after that week she talked to the courthouse and some other people and I am getting a weekend pass to got home. I don’t have to wear anything, the judge said I’m not that kind of offender and with my family and everything I’m not really a flight risk.

So...so this weekend I am going home.

And really stepping into her life.

I’m scared to death and I want this so bad all at the same time.

*Before…

“It’s a choice, one way or another it’s a little less uncertainty and hard choices that you took away from hanging over you.”

So after that week she talked to the courthouse and some other people and I am getting a weekend pass to got home. I don’t have to wear anything, the judge said I’m not that kind of offender and with my family and everything I’m not really a flight risk.

So...so this weekend I am going home.

And really stepping into her life.

I’m scared to death and I want this so bad all at the same time.

*And Now…

The simple feeling of getting in his car with him and driving someplace else just picked me up immensely.

One, we have a nice car.

It’s not the one I wrecked obviously but I think it might be the replacement and it’s a Buick and Emcore and it is a nice grown up kind of car.

The drive is strange as I’m not driving and it’s strange not being the one driving but getting into the car was… it was different, like very different given that I’m a lot smaller and my balance is different.

But it's really good, and really, really different. Climbing in, the way that my body moves and even closing the door is different, everything is bigger and heavier.

But like I said, it's really good.

And driving through town into my life is different too. It’s kind of surreal as I’m still in the same town as I was living in when I was still alive and in my other life.

But this sort of hammers home just how different a life.

Different main roads and highway exits and then a whole other overpass exit and then I’m in a neighborhood that I might have only vaguely known was here.

He’s looking at me as we’re driving and I’m taking things in.

“You’re really not remembering any of this?”

“No, nothing.”

He nods quietly to himself and then there’s a bit of a sigh. “Okay well until we move I’m going to show you where things are and maybe even some of the people that you might need to know.”

“That’d help.”

We…We have a lot of places that we go to for more things than what I ever needed.

Our usual grocery places first then the Farmers market area at the park and the play area and mom’s area at the park and after that my Yoga place, the gym, our coffee place and our green tea and juice place and it kind of goes on like that for a bit around these suburbs.

We’re definitely suburban high bracket middle class or we were living like it.

Then we went home.

And home was very much in the suburbs and while nice it looked, manicured and controlled.

It reeked of those places ruled by a homeowners association.

I like our house, it’s older but it is like 90’s art design home in brick with a second story in the back half and that have a whole side of modern but spaced long rectangular windows in the front facing the street.

We have a concrete front step and there’s planets flowers along the edges of the driveway and the walkways and we have a garage which we pull into. Well we back into it and as we’re doing that I can see three neighbors suddenly outside doing things.

It’s a little expected.

It’s kind of definitely unwanted especially as a man I was pretty independent and kept a nice place because that was just me. The idea of people telling me what to do with my place is really repellant.

Going into the house is really unfamiliar and we do that from the inside door to the garage and the house is dead.

And I mean that.

He’s just staying here part time I already know that much but the house itself seems to be decorated and balanced like some sort of Instagram collection like she made it to be sharable online and like she was doing oh-so-well.

It’s lived at.

Not lived in.

It is a nice house don’t get me wrong and she kept things clean but she…I don’t think that she really did much of anything in order for it to not look good or near it’s best.

There not being a TV in the main living room is a dead giveaway to me.

Yes I know there’s loads of people that don’t like TV or have a use for TV but at the same time where is the settling in together, the watching movies or eating take out sitting on the carpets and pulling the coffee table close.

He shows me around and I look around and take my few things to our room and that’s semi lived in and I can see a separation in Josh and myself there but also in the whole public me vs the reality of mom of twins me.

She was not handling this well.

I have my outdoor life fancy clothes more or less set aside from everything else and everything else was this whole no life or want to live sort of raw mess.

I know messy people, Dan’s family had loads of messy people and this was different.

I’m a vet.

I have seen friends hit the wall, crash hard after getting home either from things that were done or the fact that once you’re in for awhile you lean on the routine.

Seeing brothers and sisters in uniform like this is a common thing for anyone in long enough.

I can recognize depression when I see it.

It might be caused by something else but it still smells the same.

And after Josh goes and takes a few calls I really look around.

I found bottles, half pints and pints of semi-hard stuff and shot bottles and then there were the pills.

Depression, for sure loads of Gravol and off brandGravol at that. Too many and you’ll get hit with the drowsies.

Uninsured welfare Ambien.

And there was that too.

I find all of it in the usual addict and alcoholic places and garbage the bottles into the recycling as well as wrecked clothes.

She took something sharp like a box cutter to the clothes she had that she couldn’t fit into.

She didn’t try and lose the weight or give them to charities or anything like that; she just went off the rails in that spiral sort of way.

Josh was done his calls and he ends up watching me as I go on a cleaning jag and not just doing housework but going through everything and seriously trying to scrub off the toxic vibes here.

Though at one point he looked at me when I took an old quilt from the linen closet and put it in the dryer to get the sitting there too long smell and then put it on our couch.

“You’re covering the couch?”

“We don’t use the couch do we?”

“We usually don’t no, not a lot.”

“I want to watch a movie with you tonight or something and order in Chinese food and just binge and be okay.”

“Okay… you sure?”

“I want to live in our house not live at my house.”

“Huh?”

I smiled and actually went over and kissed him. “You, my dear husband need more than just a place to crash and your so called office nook.”

“I thought we were moving?”

“We have to organise all of that first I want to actually live with you while we’re doing that.”

I kissed him again and he kissed me again too and he got even more into it and his hands started roaming and I didn’t just go with it but I leaned into him and his touch and everything else like I was as touch and intimately starved as I really was inside.

His parents had the twins until tomorrow.

We kissed and felt each other up until I was well and truly hot and aching as well as more wet than my mind was really trying to handle.

I loved all of it too.

Not just me with a guy, with a man thing.

But passion and intimacy.

Real connection with his touch like he knows my body better than I do and he is so strong as well.

I loved that power, that strength, the squeezes, that being on the right side of this as we had sex on the couch and the newly placed quilt and I took top even.

It felt right, it of course felt like more, but it felt right even though I could have only imagined and agonised over this before in my old life.

I even didn’t mind and was fine with the leaking and the breast milk and sex things and well that sort of stuff was going to happen when you had kids.

And it was good sex.

It was sex half naked in the first go around and that was that sex where only our fun bits were mostly exposed as we were making out and so horny that sex turned into being more important that getting fully naked.

Then it was us actually getting fully naked.

And me going down on him and while getting him ready with a blow job was something he said I hadn’t done in ages he enjoyed it so much that I really got into it and it honestly was a fight between finishing him like that or straddling him again.

We ended up going hard for three times in a row.

We were tired, sticky and sweaty and we took our clothes upstairs and the quilt and put them in the wash after we took a long soap-suds filled shower together and I spent the rest of the day in one of his football fan tee shirts and underpants.

We ended up putting a new quilt on the couch and we ordered pizza and we watched the crime show White Collar together on Disney plus actually cuddling and necking and bingeing the whole first season together before crashing and going to bed together.

I was actually excited when his mom brought the kids home and I asked her to help me make the nursery more of a place for them and us.

It’s not much but I want a new start with them.

And stuff in there for Josh too, like us actually muscling in a used Layz-boy recliner chair in there for him to chill out with the kids when he’s feeding them or getting them to sleep.

I think I surprised him when I asked him to make a playlist of songs that he wants to listen to with the twins and that maybe he if he wanted to he could read some of his fantasy novels to them instead of just the kiddie books.

“You want me to read Lord of The Rings to them?”

I kissed him sweetly. “Yes, because at their age they retain you reading to them more than the stuff said and I’d rather them have a head start with some good vocabulary than that scary babbly baby tv show talk.”

I started working out too.

I do it in front of the nosey neighbors too, mostly out of spite because I don’t like them. And most of them are women that look like everything is their business and what I do must be watched for that keeping up with the Jones’s thing.

I have this entire feeling based on their dirty looks that some of them were bullying Taylor/Me and helped push her into that dark place.

I will unfold the playpen once Josh goes off to work in the garage and I will put on just enough music to work out by and I will do jump rope and the little pink hand weights but I will also use our bow flex machine and I will use our exercise bike.

My favorite is working out with the boys and taking them from the playpen one by one and lying on a foam workout map and using the baby in forward arm lifts down as far as I can then up as high as i can and side to side and then bent arm curls with them and crunches like a little medicine ball boy I do reps of twenty with each exercise and child and then I switch out.

It’s bonding things too, I count with them, I laugh with them when they giggle or burst into just being happy because kids like being lifted and having fun and honestly that sound from my sons is literally healing.

I swear there is a real actual energy that is involved in being a parent and I am pulling being a mom into myself like a desert getting rain.

And I run.

I get one of those big strollers with the double seats and the sun guards and the big running tires and the baskets and I’ll go to the store in our workout gear and a backpack and I’ll grab things we need at the house like milk or eggs and a few other odds and ends and I will run those errands pretty much literally.

I like running,I know how to run.

I also am not afraid to run and get just drenched in sweat and not being scared to put in the work and the miles.

I am breastfeeding my kids and I’m connecting more and more with that, being able to do that and to feel that. I like the feeling and not just the relief but like some part of me really deep down like that part of me that figured out that I was trans is like nodding inside of me.

It feels that right, that normal.

I eat too.

I’m feeding the kids but more than that Taylor just honestly didn’t take good care of herself. Either didn’t know how to or wanted too but taking care of yourself is another weapon that helps us in those black spirals.

I drop the booze which was court ordered anyway but I do water and yogurt or a smoothie in the mornings and sometimes granola and usually something like blueberries or a banana and lunch is something like a really good sandwich or like a piece of fish or chicken and a small salad.

I take vitamins too as well just to actually help get actually healthy all while looking for our new house and for something to do for me. Asit is I am taking French and Spanish online and talking and practising with the kids. I am trying to teach myself how to paint and have finally seen episodes of Bob Ross for the first time in my two lives. I’m not good at it but I still want to try.

Saturday is Grandparents day where Josh and I and his parents agreed that we need help and that one day a week if they could would be time well invested for them but also for us as well.

Sometimes they come on Friday evenings and sometimes they’ll ask for them the whole weekend.

And then we found a place.

Or it found us.

It’s an old couple's house that Josh’s parents knew and they sold to us after the husband had a sudden heart attack and their kids were moving them into assisted seniors.

It’s nine blocks from his parents place and that means a lot to us now.

Taylor’s parents are still no shows, nothing on messages or social media or even snail mail.

So I’m leaning on them and I’m open about it, I’m open about it because being isolated led to all of this.

We moved in but we also helped them move out and sort their things and we’re really good neighbors about helping them and I’m good with all of the things that we have to do with the place.

It’s a nice place.

It’s in older suburbs in his old area but it has big trees in the sidewalk divide out front and we have nice big maples in our front yard and it’s a two story house in that kind of blocky cape cod style but there is an separate garage but it is two stories and the top is a loft and the driveway is paved and in good shape and will be a great place for us to put up a basketball hoop or street hockey nets in the future and have enough room for their little bikes

It needs work but I love that it does.

I have plans of Josh and I and his folks doing things as a family.

BBQ’s and tunes and fixing the deck or putting up the fence, and I do want a yard fence, I want painting the room days and to build memories here.

We love it, it’s going to be a lot of work but we love it.

Josh landed a job with a non profit once he was sure that I was good with him not chasing the big money lawyer thing. He helps veterans and LGBT+ people and other minorities look at legal shortcuts and bonuses and programs to help them with small businesses. It’s actually needed work as most people don’t know or have access to things that are out there to help from other programs and charities and grants as well as things on a Federal and State level.

Josh looks for all of those things and what can be done and helps them do the paperwork and navigate the government red tape so people that already are getting the brown and smelly end of the stick don’t just get mad or frustrated and quit or give up.

And my god there are a lot of people in need of that help and to have someone help them through all of the stuff.

We set him up with an office in the garage so he can do some work from home and with the plumbing and wiring being checked and passing it was just upgrading the min box and a more efficient water heater and then it’s me stripping the place down one room at a time before we redo them.

And I cook.

I started cooking and I’m not a bad cook, better than what she was since she tended to get ready made or frozen.

I’m not an over the top wife mom in that.

Mac and cheese with a layer of broccoli and cauliflower, Baked beans with ham, chicken stews, beef stews, roasts, baked potatoes and steamed veggies, chilli and yeah I will get us take out too but I have that on “Our” Night and it’s be things out of the box like Thai or Korean food or something Caribbean.

Then I got a shock.

Part of my deal is seeing a therapist and I need to do lab work to screen for drugs or excessive alcohol use.

And, I had not even thought about birth control.

So it turns out that I’m pregnant.