I wrote this over ten years ago. It was essentially finished, but I somehow never considered it ready for posting. Or, at least, it had gone as far as I was inspired to take it. It kinda begs for a sequel, but it's fine as it is.

It's big. It took some time to edit. Especially since I needed to change the dates so that it wouldn't be so... well... dated.

Much thanks to Terry Volkirch for test reading it way back when. She might even remember the story.

One fine day, Joe wakes up and finds that his whole life has been turned upside-down.

Prologue

Snrxl was working on the integration plan when Vrall walked into his office. "How goes the big plan?"

"Just finishing up."

He closed his eyes and completed the plan. The thinking cap dutifully transcribed his thoughts to the document. He closed the file, removed the helmet, and focused on his associate.

"You know, an implant is a whole lot more convenient than that cumbersome old helmet."

"I know, but sticking something into my brain that might be accessed by someone else makes me extremely nervous."

"Nobody has ever succeeded in gaining unauthorized access to an implant."

"Call me paranoid, but there is always a first time."

It was a well-rehearsed conversation. Snrxl was well-known for his eccentricity, but even better known for his talent. His deep insight into the common psychology of all sapient beings, as well as their inevitable differences, made his integration plans unfailingly effective.

Vrall closed her eyes and read the highlights of the plan through her implant. When she finished, she looked over at Snrxl. "Some people say that you have a wicked sense of humor that is sure to cause the subjects to hate you, while others say that you are way too kind to the subjects."

"What do you believe?"

"I believe that they are totally missing the point. Your plans always result in subjects that are tearfully grateful to have been chosen, and who grow very quickly without the excess pain that so many think is necessary for growth."

"Growth comes from trials and challenges, not necessarily pain. Pain motivates, but so does a goal."

"But pain is necessary for the development of compassion."

"Indeed, but it isn't necessary to create pain on purpose. Pain is inevitable, no matter how much one may try to reduce or eliminate it. That's especially true on a primitive world."

Part One: Adaptation

Day 1;
Thursday, April 1, 2021:

This is so messed up. I'm trying to type, but the keyboard is too big. I had to raise the seat just to try to get a comfortable typing position.

But that's just the least of it. My whole world has been turned upside-down. My relationships have been fundamentally changed. Who am I? How did this happen? Why did it happen? I don't know who is going to read this journal. Will we keep it a secret? Will it become part of some history book? I have no idea right now.

I guess I'll have to start from the beginning.

Last night, Jan and I went to bed last night as usual. We were both too tired to do anything but fall asleep. We made a point to set some time aside this weekend.

Morning came, and I felt more rested than I have for quite some time. Not only did I feel like I had slept myself out, but I somehow felt lighter. It's hard to explain. It's like the feeling you get when you have been backpacking all day, then you take the backpack off and feel like you can walk on air. I was ready to spring right out of bed and start my day.

Then I opened my eyes. There was hair in my face. I unconsciously brushed it aside. The hand in front of my face wasn't mine.

I haven't had long hair since I was a kid, and it never was this long, or this blond. This is some kind of an April fool joke, right? Someone must have put a blond wig on me when I was sleeping.

I cautiously drew back the covers. This body isn't mine. Why do I look like a kid now? Wait a minute! Something is missing. Being changed into a child is one thing, but being changed into a girl?

OK, calm down, calm down. It's not the end of the world.

Somehow, I was calm. Maybe it had to to with the lack of testosterone. Not much estrogen, either, I would guess. Jan tells me that I appear to be around nine or ten years old -- just in time for puberty. Oh joy. Time for all those hormones to start flowing through an unprepared body. Time for something else to start flowing, too. Yuck! I am so not looking forward to that.

Why do I just accept that I'm going to be staying this way? Perhaps because there is no evidence to the contrary.

Anyhow, not be getting ahead of myself...

Confused. The woman that I love is sleeping next to me. I want hugs. I want cuddles. Somehow, the desire for sex is there, but it's not there. The memory draws me to want it, but this new body is giving me no urgency. I guess that's OK, since this body isn't going to be doing it. I want my old body, flawed as it is, back.

Oh God, what is happening? Why is it happening? What's going to happen to my marriage?

I have always envied the fact that Jan gets answers to her prayers. All I have ever gotten are vague notions that might be answers. Or, they might just be wishful thinking. Our pastor always said that when God talks to you, it's a thought in your head that you didn't think. Sometimes, you can tell because the thought is something that you don't want to think. But this time, I was more certain. I knew that God was speaking to my heart. Maybe it's a girl thing. Maybe girls listen better to their hearts.

Have you ever been hugged by God? That's what it felt like. At that moment, I really needed a hug.

The idea of being so close to the being that made the entire world, made this entire vast universe, as a matter of fact, goes beyond frightening. Yet somehow, all that strength was comforting this time. Maybe it's a girl thing. Maybe it's a child thing. God, I'm so confused. Who am I now?

The answers were there, though unspoken. I am God's beloved child. In the kingdom of God, there is no man or woman, no slave or free. Nothing has changed there. I lost thirty years. Or, maybe I have gained thirty years. Nothing changed there, either. What's thirty years compared to eternity?

But what about my relationships? What about my marriage? What about our kids?

There are changes there. Changes for the better. I know for certain that Jan and I are still married. Christian marriage is of the spirit, not just the body. The body issues will be taken care of in the fullness of time.

"Do not worry, my child."

Day 2;
Friday, April 2, 2021:

I wake up next to Jan. I was the first one up again. That's a novel experience.

She purred as I stroked her back. Then, she woke with a start. Crap...

I got up and showered. That was an interesting experience. After that, Jan gave me my first lesson in feminine hygiene. I won't go into detail.

I put on some clothes that Jan had dug up from somewhere around the house. The boy's underwear didn't fit properly, but what choice do I have? Jan is, or was, the only girl in the house. Maybe that's why most of the pets that she gets are girls. She feels out-numbered.

Ever since I hit puberty (the first time), I had developed a technique for pulling up my socks in such a way that they don't push my leg hair up backward. It's uncomfortable to be rubbed the wrong way. I did that out of habit today. What am I doing? I pulled my other sock straight up. No hair, no fuss.

Today, it was easier to get the kids off to school. Our cover story is in place. Do you know how hard it is to craft a cover story that contains no lies, yet still hides the part of the truth that you want hidden?

Joseph Martin Jeblonski (Dad) has to leave for a while. He can't say where he is, but he can be reached by email or chat. No voice; just text. Tiffany is staying with us for a while. We don't know how long. We need to empty out one of the bedrooms that is currently being used for storage.

Why did Jan choose such a cutesy name like Tiffany?

Now, I have some work to do. Or, rather, Joe has some work to do. I wonder if I can still sling the code. Can this ten year old brain do the job? For that matter, could my old forty-one year old brain do the job with all this crap going on?

But first, I have to find some things out.

Being a long-time fan of science fiction, the idea of body transformations is not new to me. Still, there are many variations on the theme. Obviously, there is no known technology that will do this. There are a number of theoretical possibilities, though. If some change was made to the time stream, I would expect that nobody, not even me, would remember anything about it. Or, if it somehow happened with myself and my family outside the normal time stream, we would remember it, but nobody else would.

There are no photo albums with pictures of me as a girl. There are no people on the web or in my family that remember me as Tiffany. Joe Jeblonski seems to exist in this world, and there is no trace of Tiffany.

There is no reason to get into the mythology of were creatures. Anyhow, I'm not at all bothered by bright light, silver, or anything like that. That leaves the actually moving of my 'consciousness' to another body, or the transformation of my body itself (so where did the extra mass go?)

That's about as far as I can speculate. What if you gave Sir Isaac Newton or Leonardo Da Vinci a modern computer? They could probably learn how to use it relatively quickly, but it would take years of schooling for them to get any real concept of how it works. Of course, most modern people have no concept of how it works. Most people wouldn't know an inverter from a flip-flop.

But what about me? Where is the division between spirit and flesh; between the physical brain and the mind that inhabits it? If that wet gray thing is changed, am I still me?

The answer is yes. I know that. Why should I doubt? The brain is just part of the 'Earth Suit' that we all have to wear for as long as we are on Earth. When we leave this Earth, the old body is left behind and we get a new one.

But, I had to do some testing. Out of curiosity, I went surfing on some of the seedier parts of the web. They have things for all tastes there. To my great relief, the disgusting things are still disgusting. I'm not attracted to the male form. The things that used to compel or tempt don't pull my strings nearly as much.

I should leave that stuff alone. I haven't reached puberty yet, anyhow. All my age-mates are in the 'boys are icky' or 'girls are icky' stage right now. I guess anything I feel now about it is based on my past experience, not what this flesh is telling me that I should think or feel about it. That is probably a blessing.

Anyhow, I have more important things to think about. I have lots of work on my plate. I lost an entire day worrying about something that doesn't much matter. Onward to the coal mines.

Let's see... Mudslinger 4WD auto supply needs yet another sales report. They want some statistical information about purchases based on weather. What the heck is that? Where am I going to get past weather information all bundled up in a nice database?

I was soon lost in the project. A web search yielded some nice sites that display past weather reports. It was no big deal to write a program that parses the raw HTML and stuffs the results into a table. It took a while, but it was no big deal. I love this kind of stuff. I'm glad I still love it.

Next, I wrote some queries that compare the weather data with their sales history. That one took a while, and it's quite the work of art. That is, if you're a computer nerd, it's a work of art. I looked through the results of the query. Well I'll be a... There is some correlation. It isn't surprising that snow tires sell better in the fall and winter, but it's interesting that they sell more motor oil right after a long period of rain. This ought to give them plenty of data to munch on for a while. I guess the goal is for them to be able to predict what they will be selling next week and next month. Heaven forbid they order a single dollar's worth of stuff that they won't be selling right away.

But that isn't all there is to it. After the creativity comes the details. Luckily, it's OK to plagiarize your own code. I created a new menu item for the report and copied an older report that's quite similar. With all the little details already written, it is easier to modify an existing report than to create a whole new report. It also saves on testing time because you're starting with code that already runs.

So let's see... add the new tables to the application's database, add a block of code that automatically downloads, converts, and stores weather data, replace the old query with my new query, modify the report form, and test.

Good! Now all I need to do is write it up, bill it, and send it off. I hope they're happy.

Time to come up for air and break for lunch. I wonder what's in the fridge. Let's see... some tuna sandwich stuff, and some juice. We're almost out of bread. I guess I should throw some ingredients into the bread maker.

I had a hard time reaching most of the ingredients. I had to grab a chair to get the flour. It took longer than usual, but I did manage to get everything into the bread machine.

OK, now back to the task at hand. Cutting two slices off of what was left of the bread proved to be clumsy. The knife is too big and the counter is too high. It's a good thing I didn't cut myself.

So, sandwich in hand, I walked to the door and looked out. It looks chilly. I grabbed a light jacket and walked out the door. It was my oldest son's jacket. It was too big.

The long winter is over. I can't help but smile as a cool spring breeze caresses my face. After the long months of frigid temperatures, it almost feels like summer. There is a faint hint of green peeking up among the brown remains of last year's vegetation. The lawn is vibrant. The pasture has a definite green tinge. The barnyard is still muddy. I have to pull on a pair of my oldest son's muck boots. They were loose. I added a few pairs of thick socks.

I walked out to the coop to check on the chickens. Yep, plenty of water, and the food hopper is almost full. I shared some of my crust with them. It always cheers me when they gather around to beg for food. I tossed them some scratch grain.

If I'm going to take a walk, I might as well walk out past the horse pasture and make sure that there is plenty of clean water in the trough.

The horses have always been Jan's thing. Of course, she managed to infect the kids with her obsession. I liked them well enough, but I never learned to ride. If I want animal companionship, it's hard to beat a cat or dog. If I want to ride somewhere, a car, Jeep, tractor, ute, or quad works well.

Yep, the watering trough is low, and the water is murky. I pulled the plug. The horses came over when they heard the water gurgling out of the trough. I ignored them and used the hose to rinse the sediment down the drain hole. After replacing the plug and sticking the hose into the trough, I looked up -- right into the face of Jan's haflinger mare.

It was love at first sight. I want a horse. I need a horse. All those visions of riding off and having adventures with my trusty steed went swimming through my brain. I had to shake my head to clear my thoughts.

Actually, it wasn't really 'first sight'. I had seen Tina many times before. It's just that I have never looked at her quite that way. Why was I thrown off balance by a silly horse? I really need to get a grip. It's not as if Tina is some magical unicorn or something like that. She's a haflinger that Jan got cut-rate from a couple of old ladies. Jan chose her because she was inexpensive, and because haflingers are known for their easy-going disposition. Also, they are a bit smaller than your normal horse. A haflinger is somewhere between a horse and a pony in height (maybe 50-55 inches at the shoulder), but sturdy and wide. I never got into the riding thing because I didn't expect any of Jan's horses to be able to carry my weight. I guess that isn't an issue any more.

But I really need to get a grip. I can't go falling for a bunch of animals like some little girl making doe eyes at all the ponies at the fair and begging mommy for one.

I cut across the pasture and out to the back woods. Tina followed me. I guess she likes me or something.

* * * * *
Interlude

"It looks like you have been messing with her mind, Snrxl."

He grinned as he turned to Vrall. "I never claimed otherwise. It is authorized when doing integrations, after all."

"But Joe used to do his best to ignore the horses. Now, it appears that you have made Tiffany fall in love with them."

"The change isn't nearly as big as you think. In fact, it's very minor, and actually serves to bring her more in tune with who she really is."

Snrxl brought up the diagrams of all of the changes made to the brains of the Jeblonski family. All of them had some minor malfunctions and and shortcomings that were fixed without any need for discussion -- things like nervous habits, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, depressive tendencies, and minor processing errors. Joe's problems were fixed when he became Tiffany, while the others are being slowly changed. Snrxl touched a few keys and those changes left the display, leaving only the changes made to the paired brains of Joe and Tiffany.

The brains are identical, except that Tiffany's brain is female, and therefore has some distinctly different neural pathways. In addition, a few 'acquired habits' that would be expected of a female in that culture were added. Tiffany is as female as can be from head to toe. The only male part is Joe's soul, along with four decades of male memories.

Snrxl showed those changes to Vrall, then made them wink out. What was left were minor changes designed to help Tiffany adapt to her new position in the family. Mostly, they have to do with the feelings that are associated with certain images and thoughts. When Tiffany sees Jan's face, the feelings invoked are more like 'mom' than 'wife'. Similarly, Joe's mom and dad become Tiffany's Grandma and Grandpa, and his brothers and sisters become her aunts and uncles. Tiffany knows better, but the feelings are inserted to help Tiffany relate properly without having to give the matter much thought. Also, reciprocal changes were made in the brains of the people that interact with Tiffany. Jan feels like Tiffany is a beloved daughter. Snrxl made those changes leave the display, too.

"Joe has always had a soft spot for animals. Take a look at his emotional reaction to a cat."

The reaction definitely labels him as a cat lover. His reaction to the goats is similar, but toned down. Also, Joe chooses to keep them in the category of 'livestock', rather than 'pet/companion'.

"Now, look at his reaction to a horse." Snrxl pulled up the original data from Joe's initial scan. "He has always liked them, and was somewhat disappointed when Jan chose horses that were too small for him to ride. He therefore schooled himself to treat them much the way he treats the goats, and told himself that they are Jan's horses, and that he has no stake in them." Snrxl pulled up the changes that he made. They are actually very minor, and well within the bounds of the other changes that will help Tiffany be a female of that culture. He had moved the emotional reactions slightly in the direction of Joe's reactions to his cats, and added a little feeling of adventure to the mix. That way, when Tiffany looked at Jan's horse for the first time, the wall that Joe had been building between himself and his feelings for the horses came tumbling down. The final straw was when she realized that she could now ride these horses.

Vrall couldn't help but to smile at Snrxl's craftsmanship. He is nothing if not subtle.

* * * * *

When I was a kid, I used to go out to the woods whenever I needed to think. That might be why city life was slowly killing me a few years ago. I had no place to get away.

No more city life. Plenty of woods. Need to do lots of thinking.

I went through the back gate and into the woods. No, Tina, you can't come with me.

The woods have always been an almost sacred place to me. I have always loved the way the light filters down through the canopy. Whether the ground is springy and full of dried leaves, or lush and full of ferns, the forest calms my mind. Of course, this early in the spring, the ground is more mushy than springy. There is still snow in some of the lower spots, but the higher areas are almost dry. The trees are still barren, but the swollen buds hold the promise of new life.

I managed to find a dry log and sat down. What is this all about? It's not a curse. I can feel in my heart that it represents the beginning of a journey that will be a blessing to a lot of people.

But how did it happen? There is no technology on Earth that can accomplish this. At least, I don't know of any way of stuffing someone's soul into a new body. Someone or something is behind this. What is their purpose? What am I supposed to be doing? Until we get more answers, we will just go along the way we have been going. We will have to create some kind of a 'Tiffany' identity, while keeping 'Joe' alive. Maybe, as Tiffany grows older, she can take over Joe's business. Of course, that's assuming that it's desirable for Joe to fade into the background.

I feel so abandoned and unsettled. I can't really make plans because I don't know what's going to happen to me.

Feeling abandoned is silly, of course. Jan is with me, and is supporting me every way that she can. Even without the ability to plan some aspects of my future life, there are still plenty of things to do that will work out well no matter what happens. I guess I should make two lists -- things that will help no matter what happens, and things that depend on whether or not I get to be Joe again. That would be a start, anyhow.

I was musing about how my feelings didn't really match the facts. As usual, I had put up a wall between myself and my feelings. That wall is sturdy and well-used, serving me well in all the stressful times of my life.

Suddenly, that wall came tumbling down. The feeling of profound loss overwhelmed me. I tried to fight it, but the tears came.

Then, I let it happen. Keeping your feelings boxed up is a bad idea, anyhow. The loss of control was appalling, but the cleansing tears needed to come. I just let them come and gave myself up to them.

After a while, the tears stopped coming. I felt cried out, and cleaned out. I looked about the budding forest with its promise of new life with a brand-new attitude. Whatever comes, I will make the best of it. This is a brand new opportunity, and I will thank God for the trials and the joys.

Well, time to go back. As I stood up, I felt a pressure in my bladder. I walked to a tree and unzipped...

Crap! This isn't going to work. I'm not going to make it the quarter mile or so to the house, either. It's a good thing there isn't anyone around to see. It's rather chilly out, though.

* * * * *

One of the nice things about being self-employed is that you can take a long lunch break if you need to. I really needed that long lunch break, but it's time to go back and sit in front of the computer again.

Next project: Great Lakes RV Rental wants another story added to their web site.

Wow! These are some nice pictures. It looks like this family had a great time taking the circle tour of Lake Superior.

Hmmm... Everyone in that family wrote a diary. I might just be able to do this without interviewing anyone.

I was soon lost in the process of telling their vacation story. They started near Mackinaw City, just south of the Mackinac bridge.

I closed my eyes and visualized that quaint little town. I have been there a number of times, and Jan and I spent part of our honeymoon there. Good memories, for sure. I sorted through the pictures of all the quaint shops and tourist traps. It seemed that every one of them sold Mackinac Island Fudge. Some, indeed, specialized in that local treat. They had some nice pictures of The Bridge, but no good night pictures. That's not surprising, since it's hard to get a good exposure that takes in just enough of the background, while getting the bridge lights just right. I pulled one from my voluminous collection and added it to the bill. I remember the night that Jan and I sat cuddling on a bench. I shot the better part of roll of film trying to get the exposure just right. Every once in a while, I would get up, fiddle with the camera, set the timer (so that the vibrations would settle down before the actual exposure was taken), and go back to sitting with my hunny on the bench. I wish I could have gotten a shot of Jan silhouetted against the night sky with her hair moving gently in the breeze, but there wasn't enough light for anything but totally still subjects.

Fort Michilimackinac is an old French fort turned British fort just south of the Straits of Mackinac. The view from the fort is quite different now, since the Mackinac Bridge's southern end is right next to the fort.

They took plenty of pictures of the reconstructed fort and the archaeological digs, so I didn't have to add any of my own pictures. They even got a good shot of the puff of black powder smoke coming out of the end of the musket as it was fired, and another of the cannon. They took a nice 'open road' picture as they drove north on I-75 up to Sault Ste Marie ("The Soo"). They toured the locks that let the boats travel between Lake Superior and lake Huron. They also took a boat tour through the locks. Jan and I have never done that. We'll have to try it next time we're up there. I wonder if I'll do it as Joe, or as Tiffany.

They headed west from there, traveling along the southern shore of Lake Superior. Again, I compared their pictures and diaries with my own memories. Water containing copper, manganese, iron, and organics runs down the cliffs and stains the Cambrian sandstone. Those rocky cliffs that have been beaten over the years by powerful Lake Superior have a rugged beauty that is set off perfectly by the crystal clear water below. A boat tour is a must. There is really no other way to appreciate it.

It's said that Lake Superior comes in two temperatures -- the temperature of liquid ice, and the temperature of solid ice. Still, there are some shallow bays that warm up quite nicely. The bay that they had found looked remarkably similar to the one that Jan and I had found so many years ago. Maybe it was the same one. According to their journals, the parents were sure that the kids wouldn't be in the water for long. They humored them and let them swim anyhow. Pretty soon, everyone was in the water splashing about. After that, they laid down in the light tan sand and soaked up some sun.

I could tell that I wasn't going to get this one done as quickly as I should. Time to concentrate.

I threw in a picture of picturesque L'anse, and a few more of the somewhat rugged landscape of the Keweenaw Peninsula. Someone took a nice picture of the whole family standing in the water at the very tip of the Keweenaw Peninsula I remember doing that as a kid. It was icy cold. I mean really icy.

They went to some agate beaches along the way. Searching for agates and other nice stones is a popular pass time in that area, especially among vacationers. They don't have a close-up lens on their camera, so I included some pictures that I had taken a number of years ago. One of my favorite stones is a brown conglomerate with red and blue sparkles in the mix.

They followed the coast through Wisconsin, on to Minnesota, and then up through Canada. They followed the shore of Lake Superior over to Thunder Bay, which sits near the center of the northern shore. They took a ferry from Thunder Bay over to Isle Royale. I have always wanted to go to Isle Royale National Park, but somehow never got around to it.

Then, they continued east along the north shore to the Soo, through customs again, and back into Michigan.

Whew! That looks like fun! I wonder what it would cost to rent an RV and do the circle tour ourselves. Hopefully, the people who read the story will feel the same way.

OK, time to send it off for changes and comments. Wow, I'm on a roll!

Next project... a device driver? Where did I end up with that one? Most device drivers are written in-house by the manufacturers.

Duh... how could I forget? Scott told me that he would be sending something unusual soon if he could wrangle it. It's been a long time since I have done any low-level coding, but this one looks simple enough. Just a stepper motor and a few strain gages

"Jo--Tiffany! Are you going to eat with the family?"

"Sorry, Jan! Just got immersed in the project, but think it's time to knock off for a while."

Dinner was quiet. How do I relate with my own boys? Am I still their father? What can I say to Jan in front of them? I guess we have to tell them what has happened -- and soon.