Saturday, 11th March 2006

"Are you ready?" asked Marcus, entering my room. The interconnecting door to Helen's room was firmly shut. It had seemed very strange sleeping alone last night, but Helen had insisted that she wanted my first sight of her on our Commitment Day to be when she appeared in the Parlour room.

I'd not even seen her at breakfast or lunch. Jessica had made some arrangement with the kitchen staff and brought them up to her bedroom. I wasn't sure how she could have eaten. I'd managed a bit of breakfast, but by lunchtime, I was just too nervous.

"Yeah," I said, looking over myself one last time in the mirror. "I do look okay, don't I?"

"You look perfect."

"Isn't looking perfect Helen's job?"

"I'm sure she'll look perfect too. Come on, let's go down now. We don't want Helen there before you."

"That would be an unusual twist," I laughed.

"It was done a few years ago, so wouldn't be new for this school."

In some respects, the format was so much like a wedding. There was a gathering of people to watch, bridesmaids, a best man and a service. Yet it wasn't a wedding and our words weren't anything like anything normally uttered at one.

Like some at this school, we couldn't be legally married. In our case it was because we were only fourteen. Some had said we were too young to make such a commitment; that fourteen was far too young to know one's mind. I know I wasn't ready for a legal marriage and the commitments that gave. However, I knew that I was ready for this commitment ceremony and what we were going to commit to. Our feelings would be uttered during the ceremony, and some of the basic commitment spoken out loud, but other commitments we would keep private.

In some ways it was like the government saying that children shouldn't get medical treatment for gender dysphoria until they were eighteen. Sometimes, children knew before that date how they felt. This school took the view that some children knew their minds and did perform medical intervention for some students. This stopped them going through the trauma of a puberty that didn't match their mind. The school also let its pupils that desired to make a public commitment. This type of service wasn't for everyone and there was no pressure to undertake it. There were couples in all years, including year-five, that didn't feel a need for such a service; just like some people lived together for fifty years, but never felt the need to be married.

Was there any detriment in allowing us to proclaim how we felt? If we went too far with what we committed to, perhaps. Helen and I had seen what some people had said and we thought we weren't ready for that level of commitment. In some ways our relationship was still growing, and we didn't want to stifle it, and we hoped that would be demonstrated today.

Marcus and I arrived to find the honour guard waiting. As we approached, they stood to attention, unsheathed their swords and created a bridge for us to go under. As we went into the room, the students all stood up and clapped as we walked in.

"Smile and keep your head up," murmured Marcus.

He knew me too well. I felt so embarrassed, but took a deep breath and slowly walked to the front of the room, where there were seats waiting. As we sat, the applause died down and they retook their seats.

"I'm so nervous," I uttered, taking a few deep breaths.

"You're doing great," encouraged Marcus.

"I hope Helen doesn't keep me waiting too long."

"She doesn't appear like the person to do that."

She wasn't. I heard the unsheathing of the swords, and turned to see Sam, our Page Boy. Sam walked down the aisle carrying a pillow with the two broaches we would wear. The basic design of all commitment broaches were the same, but each final product was unique, symbolising the common thread of the ceremony, but the uniqueness of each couple that took part.

As Sam neared the front, Helen entered under the swords, with the bridesmaids following. Through my tears, I saw the glimmer of her silver gown. I blinked and as I saw things slightly clearer, I noticed that this dress fitted her perfectly, just like that dress had when we'd danced the tango. She held on to Andy, who was looking very confident as he accompanied her. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect person to do such a duty, and had been delighted to agree when Helen had asked. With all that had happened, it seemed so right for him to be so involved.

The bridesmaids followed behind, looking nearly as lovely as Helen.

I stood up, with Marcus by my side, and moved to the centre, waiting for my darling to join me. Her radiant smile set my heart beating quicker. As Helen reached the front, the door we'd walked through shut. One of the guards, Dr Sue, took position at that door, and one, Rachel, made their way very ceremoniously to the door at the side of the room. The other guards would stand outside the room. No matter how much digging I'd done, I'd still not found the original of the honour guard. It was obvious that Mr Hobson knew, but when I'd asked he just smiled.

"Enjoy!" uttered Andy as Helen let go of his arm. Such a simple statement, but it meant so much in so many ways. Especially coming from Andy. He gave me a wink and went to take his seat.

Jessica fussed at the back of Helen's small train, making sure her dress was perfect before taking her position next to Helen.

I'd only ever been to one wedding, but I plainly remembering that the service was run by the vicar and the people getting married only had to say a few words. This ceremony, however, was not a wedding, and this is where things differed so much. The head of year four took charge of the service. Susan came up to the front and stood between me and Helen. Her official outfit looked rather regal, and co-ordinated nicely with what the honour guard wore.

"Thank you for coming," Susan started. That got a gentle laugh. It wasn't as if anyone wouldn’t have been there. "Today we are here to witness an open commitment between David and Helen. There have been no objections to this ceremony taking place and now is your last chance."

The room was silent. I glanced nervously around. Under the rules, it would have been quite unusual for there to be an objection, and in the history of the commitment ceremony there hadn't been one. I didn't want ours to be the first.

A gentle beat of a gong at the back of the room signified the time had passed. I hadn't realised that I'd been holding my breath and eagerly took a gulp of air. My earlier fears had been replaced with excitement and longing. As much as I wanted the service to hurry, I also wanted to savour the special occasion. Jill told me later that as the gong sounded a look of shear happiness spread across my face.

Susan reached out and took my right hand and Helen's left and gave them a gentle squeeze. Such a simple act, but it calmed me down a little.

It was now Susan's turn to introduce the service. "Hayfield Hall is an unusual place. It isn't every school which takes students, some which have issues with their education or other problems, and brings out the best in them. That isn't just because of the teachers or other staff, but because of the love of the students to each other. If there wasn't an environment where the pupils cared, nothing the staff could do would help as much. In a world of war, strife, poverty, hunger and apathy such a place should be treasured and we should be grateful we can stand as a beacon of light.

"A few months ago, we were very lucky to meet another beacon of light and the ties between those two places have grown stronger. It is an honour that Sam and Jessica have come back to take part and today's ceremony is being watched live at Immigration Manor.

"Love isn't something to be taken at face value. Too often love is thought of as just a romance between two individuals. Love is that, but it is also something more and a lot deeper. I could simply say that I love Kevin and everyone would be happy with that. If I then said that I also love everyone else at this school, some might raise eyebrows, but isn't that what we do and not realise it? As a school we care for each other to such a degree that if you step back, at the end of the day that can only be described as love.

"Today's ceremony is a commitment service. Commitment is in some ways a harder word than love. Love describes a feeling; it is a state of being. Commitment is something that requires attention and work. True commitment to something doesn't just occur on good days, and often will be tried on the bad. A commitment is not marked today with what they say, but is how such commitments are put into action. Let the deeds speak more than the words. This school doesn't just stand by those that have made public their commitments to each other, but also to help those who keep their commitments private.

"Commitments might not be about relationships, but cover a wide variety of topics. Today's ceremony is unusual as the people taking part are the youngest that this school has ever witnessed. Commitments should be something you believe in, or they are likely to fail. Therefore, what is being committed reflects their choice in that light and not always what has been said in the past by others. They have already been through much and by working together come through a lot. I now call on them to face each other, and speak their commitments with honest hearts."

We turned to face each other. Susan stood back and Sam came forward with the broaches balanced carefully on top of the black pillow. Together we formed a loose square.

"David and Helen. The commitment ceremony is not something to be taken lightly. In this ceremony, you will make certain commitments to each other in front of your fellow students who will act as witnesses to those commitments. Do you both want to make such commitments?"

"I wish to," Helen and I responded in unison.

"Do you both go into this service of your own free will?"

"It is my decision."

"The order that these commitments were to be given was decided earlier. Helen, your name was the first to be pulled out of the bag, so you will make your commitments first. Please repeat them after me. I, Helen Mary Jackson, do wish to make this commitment of my own free will."

"I, Helen Mary Jackson, do wish to make this commitment of my own free will."

Susan paused briefly before continuing in the same unhurried speed, "I promise to take these commitments seriously, and do my best to up hold them."

Helen's response was equally measured, but with obvious excitement. "I promise to take these commitments seriously, and do my best to up hold them."

That was the end of the standard part. Next was what we'd agreed.

"I make this commitment to David Oscar Grant, also sometimes known as Jayne Laura Grant. Twice I've nearly lost you out of my life, the first time when school bullies drove us apart, and the second in Moscow, when you so easily could have been killed. I love you with all my heart and want the world to know it."

Tears filled my eyes as I listened to her earnest and honest tone. I knew what she planned to say, but I wasn't prepared for the bare honesty in how she said it. Being apart for even one night was something neither of us wanted, but we knew would happen. It would be rare at school, but we knew that if we took the employment opportunity we were offered, we knew there could be months where we wouldn't be together.

"We are still young and inexperienced. However, one thing I've found is we have the desire to be together and I commit to being there now and in the future. However, I am aware that relationships formed this young, might not survive, but even if we don't stay together, I commit to being there for you in friendship.

"We are both still finding our feet in the challenges that life has given us. We both have baggage from before we joined the school and also baggage from our time at the school. Your final chosen gender means nothing to me. It is your heart and soul that I love. It doesn't matter to me if you look like David or Jayne; you are the same person who I love with all my heart."

Susan let the silence ride for a few moments. "David, are you ready?"

"Yes."

"Okay, then please repeat after me. I, David Oscar Grant, do wish to make this commitment of my own free will."

I repeated.

"I promise to take these commitments seriously, and do my best to up hold them."

I repeated what Susan said, and took a deep breath to prepare myself for the words I would say to Helen.

"I make this commitment to Helen Mary Jackson also sometime know as Christopher James Jackson. You have been there for me as we grew up and helped me so often. We have been through things that nobody should, let alone at our age. Life has brought us together in a way neither of us expected. I never thought I would find love, but in you I have found a friend, a confidant, and someone not only that I love, but someone who loves me back in return.

"Since we found love there has been two occasions when we haven't been together at night. The first time I was alone, even when you were only next door. The second time was a frightening time, but we were lucky to have people to help us through that night. I'm aware that there will be other times we'll not be together, and want you to know that I will always miss you as much as I missed you the first night we were apart.

"A singer once wrote: 'I wanna hold you till I die; till we both break down and cry. I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides.' There is nothing more special than the simple hug or cuddle that we often share. It seems to work for all occasions. For the expected romance, love, lust; but also for things like fear. Without you my life wouldn't be whole and I certainly wouldn't be half the person I am today. Helen, I love you with all my heart, and commit to being with you."

Sam, who had waited patiently, raised the pillow, "I present these broaches to be a reminder of your commitments to each other. Wear them with honesty. Wear them with pride. Wear them with commitment."

Since Helen was the first to make her spoken commitments, I was to pin the broach onto her first.

"Helen, I offer you this broach with my heart yearning. Will you accept it?"

"I accept, my heart filled with hope."

I took the broach, moved forward and pinned it just above Helen's left breast. I then moved back and waited to see which words Helen would use.

"David, I offer you this broach with my mind filled with excitement for our future. Will you accept it?"

"I accept, my mind planning how to fill your future with excitement."

Helen took the second broach and pinned it in the same position I had.

Once we were back in our square, Susan spoke her final words of the ceremony. "By giving and accepting broaches and with your spoken words, I now turn to the students."

Everyone stood.

"Do you commit to supporting David and Helen in their commitments to each other?"

"We commit," came the response.

Susan smiled and asked us, "Do you plan to do the traditional finale?"

"Of course," Helen said with a big smile. I just blushed.

We walked slowly down the aisle, just the two of us, arm-in-arm. We reached the door, which was opened for us. We separated and I walked through, with Helen staying just inside the room. I turned to face her, and we kissed over the door threshold. And what a kiss it was. We'd been practicing our after service kiss for weeks, we didn't really need the excuse, but it made us feel good. When our lips parted, it was like the world had ceased to exist.

When I regained my senses we made our way to the hall. The chairs had been moved, with some tables, presumably from the dining room, dotted around. On the left side was this enormous buffet.

"How much food," I gasped, as I took it all in.

"Just the right amount," said Andy, as he walked in with Marcus, their arms linked.

"This is a sight I've never seen before. You two have shown boy-girl affection and girl-girl affection, but I've never seen a romantic Andy and Marcus."

Andy stuck out his tongue at me, but Marcus just took Andy and gave him such a rough, masculine kiss. This wasn't unnoticed by the people coming into the room, and got a huge cheer of encouragement. Poor Andy looked very embarrassed, but Marcus just turned to me and asked, "Will that do?"

I had to laugh, as did Andy when he'd recovered. I'm not quite sure why he was embarrassed, but he seemed to recover quickly enough.

A school dance wasn't something that happened at the school very often, so when it did we all let down our hair and had a great time. The American school were going to hold a party in our honour. The curfew was waved, as it wouldn't be right for the guests of honour to be in bed before it finished. So it was in the early hours that we eventually made our way to our rooms.

All night, I'd found it hard to keep my hands off Helen. That dress just fit her like a glove. Over the months since the revue, she had developed and seeing her in such a dress had been causing me so many issues, especially in the smoochie dances.

"My turn," said Helen as we got to my door.

"Sorry?"

She opened the door and backed in, blocking the door. I smiled as I realised what she meant. We stood with Helen in the room and I was in the corridor. She took me into her arms, and we kissed. Jill and Anna must have passed, as the next day there was a picture of it in my email.