(The scene: A hospital Emergency Room near Anonymous State College. A doctor puts down the phone and speaks.)

"OK people, the cops are bringing in a busload. Possible broken arm, a bunch of minor injuries, maybe some burns, couple of drunks - think barroom brawl except it happened at the Jilly Hog."

"How the hell do you get drunks at the Jilly Hog? They started spiking the milkshakes?"

"Damned if I know, that's what the boys in the ambulance told me. Said this is one of the weird ones."

"Oh joy! Weirder than the one with the lightbulb up his ass?"

"Don't you wish. You can do the triage and find out."

"I want a hazmat suit if I got to triage a bunch of drunks. The last one puked all over me when I tried to get him into the bed."

"Next thing you'll want hazard pay, you lazy slug."

"Uh-oh - there's the flashing lights, they're here. Can't be too bad if there's only one in an ambulance, but that buggy looks like a clown car with all the people in it."

Outside the ambulance crew unloaded a stretcher with a guy cursing at the top of his lungs while the cops opened the door to their back seat and removed two prime examples of what a person looks like when he's been folded, spindled and mutilated along with having inhaled a few cases of beer. One of the scruffy characters was walking with a distinctive crouch.

"I bet I can tell you what happened to that one. Holy shit! I think I can tell you who happened to that one."

Emerging from the "clown car" was a woman who had to be well over six feet tall.

"Will you look at those gazoom- Ouch!"

"Professionalism, you big lout!"

"A guy can dream, can't he?"

"Not on the job or I'll tell Janice. Triage, baby. You're on. What the hell? Good god, they're twins!"

"Now who's talking professionalism, nurse Ratched?"

"Not me, it seems. Tell me, am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?"

"If you mean two giant women, a pair of Munchkins and a horde of skid row bums then you're seeing what I'm seeing."

"I love this job! Whenever I think…"

"That's your problem - you're thinking again. You've got to learn to keep that under control."

"Hey Doc! Hope you aren't too busy tonight." said the first cop.

"Pretty quiet until you brought us a circus, Paul."

"Just wait. The campus cops just shut down a kegger that got out of control, so you'll probably have some more company soon. You should know by now that on the first warm spring weekend the kids on campus tend to go nuts. Anticipation, lord knows what, but this time of year can be trying."

"Doesn't look like your usual kegger aftermath this time."

"Certainly not your usual kegger this time. When the campus officers pulled up at the party it seems those three fine upstanding gentlemen in handcuffs vacated the premises in a hurry and decided they were hungry. They apparently went to the Golden Dragon where they had a few more beers and started a food fight."

"So that would be soy sauce on perp number one?"

"Presumably. I don't really want to smell him to find out. "

"Neither legally nor medically necessary in my estimation."

"You bet! By the way, we professionals refer to such people as fine upstanding gentlemen. Anyway, our brother officers escorted them out of the Dragon and into a taxi with instructions to take them home."

"Doesn't seem to have worked too well."

"That's community policing for you. The fine upstanding gentlemen were still hungry so they talked the driver into stopping at the Jilly Hog."

"Which goes some way to explain how you got a barroom brawl at the Hog.

"Yeah - they brought the bar with them inside their stomachs."

"Doesn't appear to have stayed there."

"And we had to smell it all the way here. Life is hard for a cop, Doc."

"You poor baby. So what happened next?"

"They were taking a couple of trays of fresh fries to their seats when the tall ladies walked in."

"And?"

"The one in the red blouse is a crossdresser. Pretty well known on campus but we never had a problem with her. Law abiding, but she's had a couple of idiots give her grief. The campus people have dealt with it and we never got involved beyond a courtesy call so we were aware just in case."

"We'll never run out of idiots, I suppose."

"Not in this town. So fine upstanding gentleman number two decides he's been appointed by god to scourge the abomination in a red blouse and attacks her with a pair of chopsticks."

"Chopsticks!"

"Swiped from the Dragon I suppose. He went for her breasts, which fortunately for her were artificial and only spilled silicone, not blood."

"This is sounding like a bad comedy show."

"Low comedy, for sure. Anyway, the small woman, who seems to be the crossdresser's fiancee, jumped up on gentleman number two and proceeded to beat him with a sugar shaker. Good thing the Hog switched to plastic a while back or one of those old glass monsters could have done some serious damage."

"When I check him over I'll be sure to measure the skull thickness."

"With a yardstick, I suppose. That's when fine upstanding gentleman number three went after the lady on fine upstanding gentleman number two's back. Which was the signal for the crossdresser's cousin, that's the other tall one, to go after fine upstanding gentleman number three, which in turn prompted fine upstanding gentleman number one to fling his freshly cooked fries down her cleavage, of which she has enough for a super size order."

"Ouch!"

"Don't tell me you aren't looking forward to examining her for damage, you old dog."

"In a perfectly professional manner with a nurse in the room."

"Like 'em in pairs, do you?"

"No comment."

"To continue - the one with the potato filled cleavage was violently objecting to the whole procedure, so gentleman number one, in a misguided effort to make amends, dumps his chocolate shake in after the fries."

"You're making this up!"

"Don't I wish. I'm going to eat out on this story for years and years."

"By this time Mabel, she's the cook at the Hog, had had enough and dumps a pot of coffee over fine upstanding gentleman number one, who doesn't get the message, so Mabel kicks him one in the nuts."

"Bet that slowed him down."

Also caused him to unload about a keg of beer and enough chicken wings to let Frank Perdue do a stock split."

"Indeed."

"About this time - it's a bit unclear as things were happening pretty fast - gentleman number two has managed to remove the lady with her sugar shaker and once again goes for the crossdresser. Being drunk well above the average student level, he tries to vault a table and falls flat on his drunken ass, breaking his arm in the process. That's when Joe and I stopped in for a cup of coffee which we never got to drink."

"Bad timing, eh?"

"The worst. You got any coffee in this joint?"

"Thru the door behind the desk. Whatever you do, don't try to drink the crap in the vending machine."

"Do I look like I was born yesterday?"

"Begone, Paul. I must minister to the sick and heavy laden."

"Watch the medicinal alcohol with those boys in here, Doc."

"Keep the handcuffs on, will you? Make my job easier."

"Done!"

Artur

Damn, it was good to be back home. What an evening! We were all a bit worse for wear, but Mary still looked like a casualty in some old war picture and Martha was trying to massage her spectacular breasts without being too obvious about it.

Yeah, as if that could happen.

" 'A hot dog,' she says. 'I just want to go out for a hot dog,' she says. What could go wrong?" I said.

"Besides food poisoning? We did go to the Hog." Mary replied.

"I'm still hungry, we never got my hot dog." complained Martha.

"Now that it's over I think I might want to eat, but jeez - the look in that guy's face as he attacked me!" Mary looked a little pale.

"Yeah! People are so used to you being Mary that I really wasn't expecting any trouble."

"Four years of school and the worst I've had to put up with is some nasty looks and a few smartass remarks. I was thinking I was going to make it through unscathed."

"Are you forgetting the Jesus Freak that tried to banish you to hell last year at the Union?"

"He sure was an earnest sucker, wasn't he? At least he wasn't armed with chopsticks!"

"He did have a loaded Bible."

"But spraying the crowd with verses didn't put holes in my blouse - or my falsies. I didn't know what to do when he came at me - I just froze. I thought he had a knife at first."

"When the unexpected happens fast your brain goes into protective mode and gets you ready for the worst case scenario. We learned that in psychology," Martha said.

"I know that crossdressers are targets, but as big as I am I've never had anyone even take a swing at me before." Mary looked confused.

"Unlike me, who seems to be the natural target when someone wants to start pounding someone who can't fight back," I offered.

"This whole height thing sucks," Mary complained. People look at Ralph and assume he's in charge because he's the biggest 'man' in the place, and I've seen people look at you and just dismiss you without a thought because you aren't tall. Then again, when a lot of people look at Mary they assume she's a freak - and not just because I'm a crossdresser. It's stupid."

"There's a lot of that going around. When you add alcohol and prejudice you get some bad shit."

"You're right on that one, Artur. That's one of the reasons I stay away from bars and I'm glad you all aren't really drinkers. I can live quite nicely without drunks."

"It was a learning experience," said Ruth. "I've never been in a drunken brawl before. To hear my folks talk college was going to be one long series of drunken debaucheries and ungodly heathenism."

"Yeah Ruth, it's our last semester - you wouldn't have wanted to miss a drunken brawl. You did pretty good with that bottle. You ought to try out for bull riding in the rodeo and see how long you can hang on. That asshole sure was bull-headed."

"At least he didn't weigh a couple of tons and have sharp hooves."

"Can you kick a bull in the balls? Mabel sure put that other dude on the ground pretty quick. Hot coffee and burning balls, hope he's still writhing on the floor somewhere."

"I, for one, could have passed on first degree burns in my cleavage." Martha complained.

"Darling, your endowments are such we're talking second degree simply for their remarkable area." I told her

"You just want to apply the creme the doctor gave me, you bastard."

"Now she's complaining because I want to rub her tits. I can't win."

"At least you still have tits, cuz." Mary grumped. "All I have left is punctured and deflated sacs of silicone. What the hell am I going to do for the wedding?"

"Wear a tux?" I asked.

"No way, Jose!" Ruth cried. "I'm walking down the aisle with Mary and watching my folks turn puce. You can't deprive me of the pleasure, sweetie."

"And I want to see my father go carnelian, cuz." That was Martha. "I'm looking forward to financial independence from my parents when I start working this fall and I no longer have to worry about Dad cutting off the rent."

"Which is a good thing because we need all four of us to keep this place going."

"I still can't believe your folks are giving us the house as a wedding present!" Ruth exclaimed.

"Since three of us going to be poor, starving grad students with crappy paid internships, we'll need a cheap place to live," Mary said.

"At least Martha will have a real job." I offered.

"And don't you forget it, almost-husband," my love said.

"At least we won't be living in sin any longer. That ought to make several sets of parents happy."

"And since we're all living together my Grandpa Ron and Grandma Linda think we're reprising their life in the commune, so they're happy," Mary added. Having you two in the upstairs apartment will ease the bathroom situation around here."

"As the only full-time male round the place I will certainly appreciate not having to share a bathroom with two and a half women."

"There's your answer, cuz! If you pick the bottom half you won't need to buy new falsies."

My love is full of great ideas.

"You think I want to be like the mermaid in that folk song? Forget it!"

"Well, that still leaves you with the parts I'm interested in," grinned Ruth.

"Look, can we do the kum-ba-ya stuff a little later. This silicone crap is getting sticky and I want to take a shower."

"I'll join you," Ruth offered.

"Leave some hot water for us, please!" I begged.

"Too bad there's no place to put in a second bathroom. I love this place, but that is a real pain."

"I guess if Ralph can't be Mary for a while that should free up a lot of bathroom time." Martha had a shit-eating grin all across her face.

"Only as long as it takes to order a new pair of falsies. I've always wanted a pair of the glue-on type, now I have an excuse to get them. I wonder if Amazon Prime has has boobs quick enough? Look, I grew these babies in only two days with Amazon Prime! Maybe they'll pay me to do commercials or something."

"Dream on, darling. Into the shower and chuck those gooey things on the way. Why did we have to meet the Mad Chopstick Slasher?"

"Because I wanted a hot dog. I still want a hot dog, dammit!" Sometimes Martha has a one track mind.

"Will you settle for a frozen pizza?" I inquired.

"Only if you push the button, Artur."

"I just love pushing your buttons!"

Ralph

"So Artur, what's it like to wear a dress?" I asked.

"This is a gown my friend. A graduation gown, not a dress. It is traditionally worn by those of us who have slaved in the salt mines of Academia for four miserable, freaking years to achieve a lousy piece of paper that will magically unlock the doors to the rest of our life. I might ask you what's it like to wear a dress without a bra and boobs, Ralphie?"

"It stinks, old buddy. Amazon Prime came through and I have a brand new pair of glue-on, high tech, guaranteed-to-bounce falsies and I can't wear them today. I just hope the courts make the bastard pay restitution, those babies weren't cheap."

"There goes the first paycheck, eh?"

"Such that it is. I may have to raid your stock of frozen pizzas for a while."

"Are we going to the Hog afterward to celebrate?"

"Screw you, old buddy."

"Not even when you're Mary, old buddy!"

"Get your ass in line, Artur, or they'll keep the diploma."

"As if we're going to get anything except an empty frame on the stage. The diploma is in the mail, same place as your check. Besides, being a Zentz I'm tail-end Charlie at all these mass gatherings, I have plenty of time."

"Poor Martha, she goes from a Grieser at the middle of the pack to a forgotten Zentz in only a few weeks."

"And Ruth gets promoted from Rivera to Hunt. Like I said, life ain't fair."

"Sexist pig! Ruth is keeping her own name, just so we have to explain we're married every time we introduce each other. Oinker that you may be, I can't think of anyone I'd like to share my wedding day with more than you and Martha - Ruth excepted, of course."

"Who would have thought I'd be part of a double ceremony and be the only one in a tux walking down the aisle?"

"There's still time to change your mind. Think of it - a four bride ceremony. We'd be making history!"

"And my parents would be committing suicide, unless they went for homicide first. The EMTs or the police would get in the way of the the getaway vehicle."

"I guess, we'll probably need the EMTs for my Uncle Dick, anyway. We haven't told him I'll be there as Mary."

"Family conspiracy?"

"You bet. Even my Aunt Anna is in on it. She isn't particularly thrilled but she's guaranteed she'll keep Uncle Bastard in line."

"You call him that? We only think that about Uncle Jacques."

"Well, as they say, 'always a bride and never a groom…' "

"I think you've slightly mangled that old saying, Ralphie."

"Who cares? I married Martha a dozen times when we were kids."

"I'll settle for once."

"I think she agrees. The music's starting, lets go grab those sheepskins."

"I told you, they're in the mail."

Ruth

(One week after graduation)

"Are you sure this is legal, Ruth?"

"Mom, we've been over this a dozen times! Of course it's legal. Grandpa Ron is a legally ordained minister and can perform a marriage ceremony. He's done a bunch of them for his friends."

"But nobody ever heard of that church!"

"Mother, you've never heard of the American Marriage Ministries. They're legal, they're real, and Grandpa Ron is a minister, just not the kind you're used to."

"So you say. It's bad enough Ralph wants to be wearing a dress, but I'd feel better if Reverend Fowler was doing it."

"You would, but I wouldn't. Besides, he'd never agree to a two bride ceremony, and I want Ralph to be able to live his dream. I've been in love with both sides of Ralph for four years now and I'm not going to let anything mess up our wedding."

"You'll be the death of me yet, Ruth."

"Just hope I pop out a grandchild or two before you kick off."

"Don't say that!"

"You started it, Mom."

"Why must you always do things in such an odd way?"

"Pure cussedness. But I love you anyway, Mom."

"I love you too, Ruth, despite everything."

Grandpa Ron

"OK, you two - tell your old grandpa all about it. What did you mean about you have an unusual wedding ceremony in mind?"

"You mean besides having you solemnize the marriage?"

"Smart ass kid - your mother raised you right."

"Dad had some input, too."

"The boy has some common sense, I'll admit."

"Boy?"

"When you hit my age anyone younger than Methuselah is still a baby. That's a pearl of wisdom you need to write down and remember."

"Grandpa! We use a note app in our phones, nobody writes things anymore."

"Tell that to the county clerk when I file the papers after the wedding. You want to leave your phone with them to moulder in some file drawer?"

"Well, it would cut down on the telemarketing calls, but they probably wouldn't want to listen to it singing all day until the battery died."

"Aren't we going rather far afield from planning a wedding?" asked Ruth.

"Practical as always, just like most women." I said. "That why you want to stroll down the aisle in white lace?"

"Aww gramps, you guessed!"

"You think it's a secret when you have Mary plastered all over your Facebook page?"

"Technology is getting out of hand when your grandpa…"

"Nonsense, child. I was playing with computers when they still took up whole rooms. Sometimes I regret retiring just as things were getting interesting."

"Should we talk to our new boss and see if she needs a part-timer?" offered Ruth.

"And give up playing Spider Solitaire all day - not a chance! Back to the wedding, girl."

"Did you get a chance to check out the park?"

"Been going there for sixty years or so, done two ceremonies in the Roundhouse so far. Good choice!"

"I loved it when Ralph and Martha showed it to me," Ruth said. "What a perfect place for a wedding."

"Speaking of Martha, this is the first time I've done a double-header. Too bad she's still off doing her student teaching. We need to have her and Artur together with us before the big event."

"With Mom and Aunt Anna doing the planning I'm not sure we have to do anything more than show up and recite our lines. We have no control over this thing at all."

"You can always elope, that's what Linda and I did."

"That wouldn't work, gramp; we already found the dresses and want to show them off."

"Have you got a plan for when Richard blows a gasket? I love my son, but he can be a pain."

"Mom and Aunt Anna are talking to him even as we speak."

"Which solves the mystery as to where my good wife has gone without telling me her destination."

"I bet grandma was afraid if you knew you'd want to go along, too."

"Not to be sexist, but there are some things that women handle better than men. Besides, Richard never listened to his old man. What do we do if they can't calm him down?"

"How 'bout we lock him in a room with Ruth's dad and they tell each other what a blasphemous and hellish farce the whole thing is. They have that much in common."

"Speaking of Ruth's father - how did you survive him finding out you were sleeping with his daughter in their own house that first Christmas?"

"We both had to use fake eyebrows and eyelashes for a month until they grew back in. Turns out he can imitate a flamethrower when he gets going."

"Little foretaste of the hell and damnation that his church preaches?"

"They're into a different kind of horns than we are. I think Ruth's pretty hot but her Dad didn't take it too well."

"The sex or the crossdressing?"

"Sex? Who says we had sex in my parent's house?" Ruth tried to be innocent.

"Kid, you haven't any talent as a liar. I'm surprised we didn't hear the smoke alarms all the way across two state borders. I was young once, you know."

"I'll have to ask Grandma sometime."

"We were just lucky they hadn't invented smoke alarms when we were kids. A damn nuisance taking the batteries out all the time."

"I've seen that worn out copy of The Joy of Sex on your bookshelves."

"We got pretty worn out, ourselves. How do think your mother got here?"

"The usual way, things haven't changed that much since your day."

"I notice you haven't answered my question."

"I was counting on your senility to get me out if it. It's a painful memory."

"I'm not senile yet. A command appearance over spring break after you proposed to her, as I remember."

"Right. We decided not to fly in case things got out of hand and we needed to make a quick getaway."

"Wise. Those motel beds any more comfortable than they were while I was on the road?"

"Must be, we had no complaints," my grandson replied.

"If you complained about being in bed with Ruth I would have to request a psychiatric evaluation before I married you."

"Gramps!"

"So you got there and showed up in a three piece suit to impress her old man…"

"You are getting senile."

"Just sarcastic. Sorry I interrupted."

"We rented a motel room first. No sharing a bed with Ralph in that house," commented Ruth.

"Then we called her folks and told them we were there."

"And Mom went nuts."

"And her dad didn't say anything."

"Disapproval already?" I asked.

"Nah, he doesn't use one word when none will do - unless he's doing color commentary on the sermon in church."

"Good thing I don't plan to give a sermon, he might throw me off my stride."

"So we knocked on the door and her mother's first words to me were 'My, you look like your cousin!' "

"I think Dad was trying to say something but his jaw didn't work too well laying there on his shoes. My folks may be conservative but they aren't stupid."

"Most of them aren't, just have blind spots you could drive a truck through. I've met folks like that before." I replied. "I take it that things were a tad tense?"

"You could say that. It was a good thing that Mom had been waiting dinner for us so we had something to do with our mouths besides talk. Ralphie spent most of that meal complimenting the cook."

"She is a good cook."

"Then cigars and cognac in the den for the men while the little women did the dishes?"

"Damn good thing he doesn't smoke, but I got the third degree - as in burns. He can talk if he wants to and his questions were very pointed.."

"I suppose he whanged you over the head with Deuteronomy?"

"And a bunch of other more obscure verses. Good thing I brushed up on my fanaticism during the trip. Pretty boring reading, though."

"Unless you're a fellow fanatic."

"He didn't seem inclined to use the word 'fellow' about me, gramps."

"Do tell!"

"I suppose I was lucky that he was still in shock. I tried my best to be rational and non-confrontational."

"You've been listening to your mother again, son."

"She makes a whole lot of sense now that I'm old enough to appreciate it. I've used her techniques a whole lot over the last four years to explain about Mary."

"You'll have to tell me sometime, but not right now. I take it that there's been enough time since you got engaged that outright war has been avoided?"

"Nice turn of phrase, that. We even went to church with them before we left."

"And I got stuck in the kitchen all alone afterwards," complained Ruth. "Just because he wasn't Mary this time. They're still sexists even if they're well meaning sexists."

"So you intend to have the wedding catered to avoid the problem?"

"Bingo! Not that I've ever played the game, but you have the idea. With a double wedding even Mom and Aunt Anna couldn't cope with that many people."

"True enough. Ruth?"

"Yes, grandpa?"

"Your family's friends. How are they going to handle this?"

"With true Christian charity and understanding, of course."

"And here I thought you couldn't lie worth beans. This girl is a world champion, Ralph."

"Needs must when the devil drives, as my father wouldn't say."

"Seriously, do we need riot police or extra security?"

"Seriously, I'm not sure how many people will come from my side of the family. My Aunt & Uncle are lukewarm about religion, so they'll be there. Mom will invite all her friends, but with Ralph's reputation I just don't know how many will want to drive or fly all that distance to see me married. That's one of the reasons we decided to have the wedding here, by the way."

"Those who make it to the mountaintop to see the guru are those who are worth associating with?"

"You going to wear a white robe and carry a staff for the ceremony, gramps?"

"Not a bad idea, but I'd prefer tie-dye."

"Gandalf as co-celebrant?" giggled Ruth.

"We already have a two giantesses and a couple of hobbits so a computer wizard would fit right in."

"We could even invite Jesus and make Ruth's folks happy."

"Son, the only way you'll hear the word 'Jesus' from my lips during the ceremony is if I stub my toe. Perhaps after the ceremony if the bride gives me a good smack on the lips."

"Ralphie, tell me I won't have to worry about you growing up to be a dirty old man like your grandpa."

"You won't have to worry about me becoming a dirty old man, love. Now a dirty old woman…"

Janet

"OK ladies, we're here."

"You ready, Mary?" asked Ruth.

"I think so," my son replied.

"You better be after all the foofaraw you wearing a wedding dress has caused."

"Foofaraw?"

"A lovely old word that should be revived. Fuss, bother and blather."

"Blather?"

"What is this, and English lesson or a wedding dress fitting?"

"A hen party? You wouldn't be about to chicken out, would you Mary?"

"Well, there certainly seems to be an abundance of breasts in this party."

"Two of which are on my son. I never thought I'd see cleavage on my son, did you, Anna?"

"Considering the amount of cleavage my daughter has I guess it runs in the family."

"Mother!"

"You're the one who started the whole thing. Can't blame the boy for being jealous."

"It was that drunk with the chopsticks that started the whole thing. I never would have been able to afford these beauties without his settlement."

"Ladies, can we compare our attributes after we get these dresses fitted?"

"Certainly, after you, my dear."

 

OK, I know it was sneaky and maybe a bit petty, but there was one thing about the fitting that I didn't tell my daughter. Well, maybe two. The first was the text that I got while she was driving us to the bridal shop. The second was that the text told me that Ruth and her mother had arrived ahead of us for the fitting.

It was only fitting (ahem!) that Mary got a surprise of her own after surprising us with the two-bride wedding business. As my parents would say, karma is a bitch. I could hardly wait to see her face when she saw Ruth and Cecelia waiting for us.

It was all I could hope for - the two of them locked lips and ignored the rest of us for quite some time.

"You must be Cecelia, I asked the woman who had to be Ruth's mother. "I'm Janet and this is my sister-in-law Anna and her daughter Martha."

"It's good to meet you at last. I've enjoyed our phone conversations. This whole wedding is crazy but there's no way I'm going to miss my only daughter's dress fitting and all the rest of the wedding preparations."

"It does rather stand tradition on its head, doesn't it?"

"Her head isn't the only place where tradition is being abused. Prepare yourself for Mary's decolletage when those two break apart."

"Get a room, you two!" commanded Martha.

Reluctantly, they broke apart and they were able to get a good look at the bride-to-be.

"Oh my!" Cecelia breathed softly."

"I'm not going to try to explain this, Mary," I said. "The job's all yours."

"This isn't the place, but I'll tell you it involves surgical tape and doesn't feel very comfortable after a while. Wait until we get home. Please?" she pleaded.

"Ah! I'm marrying a woman of mystery."

"Sit down, Cecelia. I'm almost getting used to this gender bending stuff but you need to take it in small doses to get immunized."

"Maybe I should have stayed home."

"Nonsense, Mother. I need you more than ever," soothed Ruth.

"Good morning, ladies," spoke a woman who had been patiently waiting for our little scene to play out. "I assume this is the wedding party for Mary, Martha and Ruth?"

"That it is, three brides for the price of one." Anna replied.

"I'm afraid we don't offer bulk discounts," she answered with a smile.

"Darn! I hope you don't charge by the inch."

"Especially if we're talking bra size." Martha looked ruefully at her chest.

"You'll be glad to know we charge by the piece; so, shall we proceed with the final fitting? Come with me, please."

Now came the hard part. I never thought I would act as mother-of-the-bride and dresser to my son when he was married. We collected the dress and entered a spacious private room for the fitting. Thank heavens we weren't all going to be undressing together - that would have been just too much!

"Relax, Mom. You aren't the first woman I've gotten undressed in front of."

"The situation is a bit different than when I undressed you for your bath when you were a little kid."

"I'm not so little any more, am I?"

"Especially around the chest, I see."

"Pretty cool, isn't it?"

"Not quite how I'd phrase it."

"Well, I like it. You ready for me to take my clothes off?"

"I have to admit I'm curious how you managed to look like that."

"I bet Ruth's mom is, too."

"And Ruth, for that matter."

"Not Ruth. She's seen me do it before. I don't do the whole cleavage thing very often because it isn't very comfortable. Take a look."

My daughter proceeded to remove her blouse and I saw her torso was wrapped in wide tape that pushed his chest together. I watched as she lowered one bra strap and cup so I could see the breast form that filled the bra without being visible.

"That looks… painful."

"After a few hours is is. If I had gobs of money and some Hollywood magic I could even have something that looked so real I could wear a bathing suit. I'll only strap myself up like this for the wedding, then change to something less revealing for the reception."

"Your father is going to have a problem breathing when he sees you."

"Dad is going to be OK, it's Uncle Richard that worries me."

"Oh dear! Maybe you'd better flash him some of your endowments at the rehearsal dinner so he collapses there and not at the wedding. All those EMTs would get in the way of your vows."

"If he's used to Martha's endowments, mine will pale in comparison."

"Maybe if he goes pale for you and red for Martha things will even out and he will just sit there stunned until the ceremony is over."

"Trust a social worker to come up with a solution to every interpersonal problem."

"OK, I'm ready. You can take off your skirt and raise your arms so I can slip the dress over you."

"I'm wearing my gaff so you won't be embarrassed.."

"Not possible, but thanks for thinking of me. What's a gaff?"

"Another uncomfortable device to hide my genitals. I look like any woman wearing panties when I use it."

"And you actually like doing all this stuff?"

"Only on special occasions. When I'm just Mary without any special occasion I just dress like any normal woman would. We'd better hurry up or someone will come looking for us."

"Right. Lift your arms and wiggle."

She was right. I couldn't help looking and her panties looked smooth as any woman's would. I couldn't help but hear Terri reciting 'TMI Mom, TMI' as we finished up the dressing.

Linda, Janet and Anna. (Since they're all in this together the all-seeing narrator will be doing this part.)

"Richard! Sit down and stop being an ass," commanded his wife, Anna.

"This is ridiculous! I will not be part of this farce!"

"Little brother, are you seriously suggesting you won't attend your own daughter's wedding?" asked his sister Janet.

"Not only will I not attend this sacrilegious farce, but I will not pay for it, either."

"Son, there are times I regret having gone through the bother of raising you. I can't help it if you believe in all this reactionary foolishness, but I at least thought we taught you to be a decent human being. It seems you're really trying to prove me wrong," his mother Linda fumed.

"Are you seriously trying to tell me that having my nephew prance down the aisle in a dress at my daughter's wedding can be in any way acceptable?

"Richard, nobody will be 'prancing' down the aisle at the wedding. Martha and Ralph have been planning this for years - if you didn't have that stick up your ass and your eyes buried in the sand you would have known what your children were doing."

Silence reigned for some time; not often a mother speaks such words to her son.

"Dammit Richard, watch your blood pressure. Keep this up and you might not even be around for the wedding," warned Anna.

This was greeted with a stony silence.

"Breathe, little brother. Your blood doesn't work any better deprived of oxygen."

"Son, I'm sorry we have to throw you into the real world feet first like this, but you've been so damned wedded to your narrow, bigoted views that the rest of the world has moved on while you're stuck in the mud. Remember how you showed that old picture of Ralph and Martha in those beautiful dresses just before they went off to college? Well, if you had paid attention to your daughter and her cousin and not tried to shut out their friendship you would have known they have been dressing up together all their lives."

"Bullshit!"

"Well lookee there - my perfect brother can swear."

"Janet, I could have told you that," volunteered Anna. "He just doesn't swear when outsiders are present."

"Well, I can damn well get down with that shit." replied her sister-in-law.

"Children, shall we conduct this discussion on a slightly higher plane?"

"Aww Mo-o-o-m!" whined Janet.

"Behave yourself or Richard won't be the only one I'm mad at. Now Richard, just what is your objection to my grandchild being married in the way he has dreamed about since he was a child?"

"Mother, you just said it. He is a boy. Boys do not wear dresses. It's unnatural and perverted."

So Scotsmen in kilts and Pope Francis are unnatural and perverted? I know that the Pope has his detractors, but not many would go that far."

"That's not the same and you know it!"

"Of course I do, but you have to admit that a man wearing a garment with an open bottom is not perverted and unnatural all by itself."

"You're confusing the issue again, Mother. That picture you showed me of Ralph in a dress shows he's trying to be a woman. A man does not have breasts!"

"Tell that to a boy with gynecomastia. Ralph doesn't really have breasts, they're high-tech fakes. They look pretty real, though. There are tricks that can even let Mary have some cleavage. And the routine is to refer to her as Mary when she’s dressed.

"Mary!" The outrage coefficient climbed further "Cleavage!"

"Well, you could hardly expect Mary to compete with your daughter in that department, but her gown does have a scoop neck."

"Are you insane?"

"No, I'm living in a world where people are prone to do things that other people don't understand. A world where I'm happy to let others do what they like as long as it doesn't hurt me. Ralph looking like a woman simply doesn't hurt me, so while I don't understand it I will not condemn it."

"Little brother, if you'd get your head out of that echo chamber you live in you would find out that there are thousands of men who enjoy dressing as women. Tell me just how some man wearing a dress could possibly affect your life. Nobody's making you put on a dress, why the hell do you care if someone else does it?"

"Because it's just wrong," he spluttered while simultaneously going even more purple (as if that were possible) "It's not just anyone. It's my nephew at my daughter's wedding!"

"Which is being conducted exactly the way your daughter and her cousin want it to be conducted. They are adults and capable of making their own decisions, even ones you don't agree with. Son, you raise 'em and then you let 'em go. I don't like a lot of the things you believe, but Ron and I have learned to leave others to their otherness. The clothing that Ralph and Ruth wear at their ceremony is no concern of yours. That Ralph is willing to display his feminine side in public is no reflection on you. That your daughter accepts and cherishes Mary is proof of nothing except her big heart and her love for her cousin."

"Richard, he's my son and sometimes she's my daughter. I don't understand it, no more than I understand some of the views that you hold dear, but I will not try to control how any adult lives their life. I will offer advice when asked - and only when asked! - but I love my children and my family and even my stiff-necked little brother. If you screw up either my son's wedding or your own daughter's wedding you will have to answer to me."

"And your mother!"

"And your wife! And don't even think about beating me over the head with the bible. I'm up to here with this 'wives submit to your husband' crap. I love you, Richard. I went along with this asinine nonsense about how being left handed is a mark of the devil before I grew up enough to think for myself. Look what it has done to Wendy and Stephen. I will not let you ruin Martha or her wedding because of some silly prejudice about what men and women should be or do.

"I live in the twenty-first century even if you seem to be stuck in the dark ages. I am going to be there to cry when Martha gets married and I am going to be one of Mary's bridesmaids as well as mother-of-the-bride. I want you there with me, but if I have to I will be there all alone."

"Anna!"

"I told you not to 'Anna' me! I'm taking Mary's example and going to live my life the way I want to live it, not how some centuries old misogynist tells me I should live it. After this wedding is over I am going to find a marriage counselor. If you don't come with me then that's up to you, but if you want this marriage to survive then things have to change."

"Anna!"

"I told you not to Anna me. Mom, Janet, I'm sorry you had to go through this, but this has got to be said."

"Like I said - I'm not going to give advice unless asked, but if my son does not walk his daughter down the aisle at her wedding you will have more than an angry wife to cope with. You can believe what you wish, but your actions will ruin my grandchildrens' wedding! C'mon, Janet. I think we need to let these two be by themselves.

Janet

Safely in the car I turned to my mother and asked "Mother, did Anna just tell off my stick-in-the-ass brother? The alleged 'master of the household' because god says so?"

"She surely did. I wasn't ready for the world to end just before the wedding."

"I'm not so sure about the end of the world, but for a moment there she was the woman I hung out with before Harry and Richard went off to play soldier."

"Perhaps with her oldest flying the coop she's reverting to her early life. She's been so into this 'obedient wife' crap for so long that I had pretty much forgotten she once had a temper."

"Ever since she's been at college, Martha has reminded me of how Anna was when we were teenagers back in the stone ages. That girl has her father's confidence but not his rigidity."

"She has turned out to be a lovely woman. So has Mary, for that matter, even if I still have a hard time processing that one."

"It took me a while, too. Harry and I were worried that living with Martha might cause Ralph to do some really stupid things with his crossdressing, but as far as I can tell he's managed to balance both sides of his personality. It's funny how I can talk to Mary about things that I would have a hard time discussing with Ralph."

"Did she tell you about the chopstick incident?"

"She made it sound funny, but it was still my daughter being attacked by a bunch of drunks. When you read those stories about T-people being beaten or killed any parent would be concerned, but someone as big as Ralph - or Mary - doesn't really invite some coward to attack. Even in High School, Ralph never had any problems being bullied because he was a nerd."

"Martha got lots of verbal crap, but as far as I know she never had anyone physically accost her. Of course her grandmother might not be in all the gory details."

"I'm sure Anna would have told me. We aren't as close as we once were, but we still talk a lot."

"I'm glad to hear it, she needs someone to vent with."

"I can't really say she vents with me, but I'm going to try to be there so she has some support while things change with Richard."

"Thus speaks the social worker."

"Can't speak any other way, Mom."

"I suppose not. To change the subject, this is going to be one of the more interesting weddings I've been to. Did you know that your father has been on line looking for a wizard's staff?"

"What???"

"He seems they all have taken to heart a joke someone made at the planning session. Someone commented the wedding already had a giantess and a hobbit so it would be appropriate to have a wizard doing the ceremony. Your father is a computer wizard, you know."

"Considering the degree of fantasy involved already, it makes perfect sense. Do wizards wear tie-die?"

"I wouldn't be surprised. He still has his Mr Spock ears from college."

"I know, he's showed them to me."

"Actually, Ralph and Martha think it would be a hoot to have grandpa dressed in flowing white robes. Make for an impressive ceremony."

"What about poor Ruth and Artur?"

"If Anna can love Richard despite his foibles, then those two can love their slightly wacky grandfather."

"
Slightly wacky? I'd love to see that picture on the cover of Parenting Magazine!

"We are an unusual family, aren't we?"

"Now that I think of it, I bet Terri would love to be an elf maiden - she just loves Galadriel. That girl will break all the men's hearts that the brides leave intact."

"Better run that by Ralph - or better yet Ruth."

"Of course. Now, Artur is a computer wizard as well, I wonder if he would be interested…"

David

"Hi Ruth," I said.

"Hi yourself. What's up?"

"What are you guys doing for music at the wedding?"

"We have a DJ that Martha knows."

"Have you ever considered having some live music?"

"Ah, I see. Could this have anything to do with the squeals and squawks I've heard from your bedroom?"

"That's low, Ruth!"

"Unlike your squeals and squawks? Penetrating, I'd say."

"I wasn't going to mention hearing some squeals and squawks from your bedroom, but now you've mentioned penetrating…"

"Uh, can we change the subject?"

"Fine with me."

"I assume that this is leading up to something."

"Yeah. We've got a five piece band together and would like to play at the wedding."

"And you're the sax player?"

"That and the harp."

"Harp? Aren't those things a bit big to tote around. I mean you can carry a sax in one hand but a harp?"

"Not that kind of harp - a mouth harp. Harmonica."

"I get it now. Sorry, I'm not that much into musical instruments beyond an MP3 player."

"That means less competition for us in trying to get a gig."

"And you're trying to get a gig from me - uh us. I assume you aren't talking gigabyte here?"

"No wonder you and Ralph are getting married - your humor is almost as bad as his."

"I guess I'll have to try harder. So David, what kind of music do you guys play?"

"Mostly jazz, a little blues, some fifties and sixties rock - the kind where a sax was a rock instrument. And we've been rehearsing lots of wedding crap."

"So you want to play crappy music at our wedding? How thoughtful!"

"Consider it a wedding present. No, really - if you're into rock then most wedding music is crap, but if you like jazz or the old as the hills stuff like grandpa then it isn't so bad."

"So the big question - you guys any good?"

"We think so. My girl Kym is lead vocalist and she's really good."

"Oh-ho! Can you make her squeal like a sax?"

"A great musician is at home on many instruments, Ruth."

"And a sax player has a very facile tongue."

"Will you cut that out!"

"You started it, bucko."

"And I'll let Ralph finish it. Jeez! Can we get back to music?"

"We'd have to hear you guys play before we can answer."

"We're getting together Sunday afternoon. Come and listen. We rehearse at Kym's place, it's only a couple of blocks away."

"You're on. I'll tell Ralph and call Martha. This is her last week of student teaching so she'll be back home by the weekend. Funny - I really do think of your house as home."

"Too bad you aren't my sister - you're a lot more fun than Terri."

"Watch it, buster. I'll tell Terri and she'll kick you someplace that will have you squealing."

Artur

"Martha?"

"You have that look on your face again, Artur."

"I think it may be permanent. Is it too late for us to elope?"

"Cold feet?"

"Overheated brain. How did marrying you get to be so complicated?"

"It sure is different from the simple weddings Ralph and I had when we were kids."

"If you tell me you were the groom I think my head will explode."

"Wait until I can get some paper towels - or maybe a turban."

"Really? You were the groom?"

"Sometimes. After all, if it was Mary in the dress then she needed a groom. Made sense back then."

"If it weren't for meeting you, sometimes I wish I had gone into some other field and never met Ralph. Life would be simpler."

"But far less entertaining. My father hasn't said a word to me for the last few days and Mom is - I don't know what Mom is doing, but she sure has had it with Dad's crap."

"Does that mean we have divorce ceremony before the marriage ceremony? It would fit right in."

"Not a chance. Neither one of them believes in divorce. Problem is, Dad is into this 'man is the head of the household' shit. Negotiations are not his strong suit."

"And that's another thing, speaking of suits! Your crazy grandpa is going to wear wizard's robes and thinks I should too. I'd rather be a troll or an orc. Lots of leather and spikes and a big pointy spear."

"You must be getting horny if all you can think of is staffs and spears. Dr Freud, we have a new patient for you."

"I think I'm being remarkably patient."

"Which nicely illustrated why my abstinence-only sex education was such a failure."

"I have no complaints about your sex… education."

"Here's a lesson for you. If you're wearing pointy things on leather you aren't going to get near my tender body until you take them off."

"I should complain if you want me to take my clothes off?"

"With your clothes off you'd be mistaken for a dwarf."

"Well, they like lots of leather and gold chains and such. Might not be too bad."

"Stick with the wizard's robes. You'd look cute. Midnight blue with some tasteful stars would look good on you. I know grandpa just found a beautiful polished walnut wizard's staff, but since your staff is already good enough for me you wouldn't need another one."

"A lot of good it does me while we're pretending we haven't been sleeping together for the last four years. I like your grandparents, but I'd rather be staying with you."

"Only another week, lover. Think of the energy you'll have saved up for the honeymoon."

"Only if they let me out of the loony bin in time. You really think I'd look good in midnight blue?"

"Why not? A tux would be out of place in this circus. Of course, you'll have to explain to my parents."

"And my parents. They've sort of gotten used to Mary, how much trouble could another man in a dress cause?"

"Honey, you're going to find out!"

"One thing, love. I'm not going to wear a bra!"

Artur

"Hi Mom."

"Artur! I'm so glad you called!"

"I need to fill you in some of the wedding plans."

"Oh?"

"I think I've fallen in with bad companions, Mom."

"Well good for you, darling! I just hope they've been able to get you away from that darn computer."

"I think you can say they have, Mom."

"So what are you and Martha up to?"

"More like Martha and her grandfather and her cousin."

"Are they ganging up on my little boy?"

"They sure are!"

"You want we should send over Uncle Quinn and Aunt Bridie to balance things out?"

"NO! Things are crazy enough already! Those two would only gang up with Martha's relatives and it would really get out of hand."

"I thought you said Martha's father was a conservative SOB."

"He is, but he's the only one in the family."

"Having met cousin Mary I hesitate to imagine what that family would consider unusual."

"Well, both she and Ruth are going to wear wedding dresses."

"Artur, you aren't trying to tell me you will be wearing a wedding dress, too?"

"No! I had to draw the line somewhere."

"So just where did you draw the line, if you won't be sporting an A-line dress?"

"You know Martha's Grandpa Ron will be doing the ceremony?"

"Artur, you're changing the subject."

"Not really, Mom. They've decided he will be Gandalf the White and wearing his full robes of the office."

"Does he look anything like Ian McKellen?"

"Actually, he does bear a resemblance, but his beard is nowhere near as impressive. Besides, I don't think Gandalf was as partial to tie-dye as Grandpa Ron."

"Artur, you are not going to walk down the aisle in bare, hairy feet so you can be a hobbit!"

"Relax, Mom. I have some spectacular midnight blue wizard's robes I'll be wearing."

"You were setting me up for that, Artur."

"Damn straight!"

"Damn sneaky, you mean."

"Sneaky is a required class at wizarding school. Just so you know, I have some tasteful yellow stars on my robes."

"I shudder to think how yellow stars can be considered tasteful. You have any more little bombs to drop before the wedding, son?"

"No bombs - Gandalf was into fireworks, though."

"While I was watching my little boy grow up and dreaming of his wedding, somehow this scenario just never occurred to me."

"Me neither! I told you, I've fallen in with bad companions."

"Nonsense! Martha is a lovely lady and I'm sure her family is just as nice. Crazy, but I like crazy."

"Tell me that again when we stick you with babysitting."

"Artur! You didn't get her pregnant, did you?"

"Just preparing you for future contingencies. No, it won't be a shotgun wedding. But that's not why I called."

"There's more? Don't tell me you're moving the wedding to the World Fantasy Convention so it won't be so out of place? That isn't until Halloween, anyway."

"I never thought of that! Let me give Martha a call."

"Don't you dare!"

"OK, we won't move the wedding. Actually, with the whole Tolkien thing I was thinking little Sam would make a wonderful ring bearer."

"Sam the ring bearer! How delightful."

"I suppose we'll have to talk to Grandpa Ron about a suitable costume. Why should I be the only one embarrassed?"

"I'm sure your sister would be happy to go along. Too bad she didn't name him Frodo, it would have been perfect."

"Mother, you hung me with a name and forgot to include the "H" and I paid for it all through school Don't even think of doing something like that to your grandchild and my nephew."

"Artur is a perfectly good Celtic name."

"I know that now, but tell that to the bullies in grade school."

"Was it really that bad?"

"Not horrible. 'What doesn't kill you' and all that.

"I suppose it was good training for the comments you'll get for the wedding. 'Look! The groom forgot his tux so he put on a dress! Isn't that sweet?' "

"It's not like anyone is going to be surprised, Mary has been out of the closet for the last four years. Other than the 'chopstick incident' living with Mary and Ruth has been a lot of fun."

"I bet living with Martha is a whole lot more fun."

"I wasn't going to mention that."

"What, you think I'm a prude? Your father and I shared a bed for two years before we tied the knot. At least these days there shouldn't be any comments about the brides wearing white when they're not virgins."

"You'd have a better chance of finding a virgin on an airline than at Anonymous State."

"Thank god for that. That whole pure and untouched bit is downright stupid. As if you could wear it out."

"We're trying, mom."

"It won't happen. Your dad and I have been at it for a few decades and everything still works fine."

"TMI, Mom. TMI!"

"You don't still think the stork brought you, do you."

"I think we've figured that one out. Anyway, now you know what's happening on the wedding scene."

"I think your father will be disappointed you didn't pick Harry Potter for the wedding theme, though."

"We'll have to send our kids to Hogwarts."

"Artur!"

"Bye, Mom. Say hi to Dad for us."

Ralph

This whole wedding thing was getting out of hand. Not that I was having second thoughts about marrying Ruth, but it seemed like the entire world had gone crazy.

OK, this from a man who was going to wear a white, lacy dress to get married. I appreciate the irony, believe me. My grandpa was going to do the ceremony in wizard's robes, my little sister was playing elf and Artur was twitting me about being an orc. Since when did we invite Tolkien to the wedding?

Oh, yeah - Uncle Bastard was doing his best to be a troll because I was wearing a dress.

Then there were the two videographers and one more taking still pictures and Artur's Mom had insisted that there be single use digital cameras on all the tables. No way we were going to forget this wedding. Grandma's been muttering about hoping she'll go senile so she doesn't have to remember.

As if that wasn't enough, my psycho little brother has talked Ruth into listening to his garage band because he wants to play at the wedding. That may be the craziest part of the whole business.

The time had finally arrived and we cornered my little brother in his room - I think he has been avoiding me for some reason.

"OK Dave, I want to know just what you have on my beloved that she's been blackmailed into listening to you and your buddies try to make music."

"You wound me, big brother! If you don't know your beloved has an innate sense of fair play - an attribute that I have failed to note in your own constitution - then I would recommend some serious counseling before you tie the knot. She is obviously open to the finer things in life, such as the dulcet melodies of the Marmoset Quintet, the band that doesn't monkey around."

"Keep that up and I'm gonna puke in the bell of your sax!"

"I shall remain mute, big brother."

"Ruth? Remember this moment - it won't last long. You're driving, let's get Martha and get this over with."

 

We didn't go very far after picking up my cousin and pulled up in front of - you guessed it - a garage containing a garage band. Duh! Inside there was a drum kit, mics, wires, speakers and suchlike and four people in the garage. Four female people, although considering my own predilections I might be wrong about that. I began to understand my little brother's interest in music.

Our arrival was greeted by a drum roll and a jazzy riff with a nice piece of scatting. The scatter was a pixie of a woman (she'd fit right in with the fantasy wedding theme) with Asiatic features, long, dark hair and deep black eyes. This had to be Kym, the one who had captured my brother's heart. Why is it we ceiling-scrapers seem to pick the vertically challenged for romance?

"David, David, David!" I admonished. "You do know what happens in the stories I read when there is only one guy in the band?"

"I don't read that crap, big brother."

"You're in for a surprise, brother-in-law to be," crowed Ruth. "Invariably and inevitably the poor, benighted male will become convinced that he must become a she to blend in with the obviously superior females in the group. You haven't got a chance, poor boy."

"When pigs fly! I can't believe he has you reading that crap."

At that point Kym started flapping her arms and crying "Oink! Oink! Oink!" This was quickly followed by the others and a flock of flying pigs were soon dancing around my little brother. I could get to like these girls!

"You're going to pay for this, Ralph," threatened Dave.

"Put it on our tab, cousin," smirked Martha. "It should nicely balance what we'll charge you for renting a bra and a dress from Mary. We can cut you a deal on a pair of chopstick-deflated falsies if you ask nicely. Too bad you can't borrow the clothes from your girlfriend, we could probably work something out if you are properly humble."

"So what Dave's been telling me is true?" Kym looked at me. "You really dress like a woman?"

"She sure does!" replied Ruth. Looks pretty good too, if a bit out-sized."

"Martha taught me everything I know, we're known as the girlzilla twins around campus."

"And I thought Dave was weird."

"Then you haven't introduced her to grandpa Ron, I take it?"

"I love the man!" gushed Kym. "I can't wait to see what happens when he meets my grandfather. They'll both talk your ear off with long, funny stories, maybe both ears when they get going."

"Maybe we should invite him to the wedding, more free entertainment."

"Speaking of entertainment," cut in Dave, "We were supposed to let you hear the band play."

"So we were. If you ladies can stand to play with this chauvinist pig in your midst, let's hear what you sound like."

So they all went to their places while Dave took his sax out of the case and started doing odd things with the reed. Not being very musical, I had no idea what he was doing, but he obviously did.

I had been away from my family for the last four years, so I really hadn't really realized that Dave had become serious about music. He never said much about it while I was home for visits, but some questions to Dad let me know he really was serious.

"OK ladies," spoke Dave, "Lets do the theme we worked out for Mary when she walks down the aisle. A-one and a-two and a-three!"

With a long and soulful note on the sax the buggers started to play the Kink's Lola. I should have known that Dave would get even with me for the girl group business.

 

I met her in a club down in North Soho

Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry cola

C-O-L-A cola

 

Actually, they weren't bad and Dave surprised me by how good he was on that sax. By the time they were halfway through the song Ruth and I were dancing in the driveway. Did I mention that Ruth had taught me to dance since that first party in our freshman year? Actually, I found I liked dancing; we had gotten pretty good together and the band gave us a round of applause when they finished.

"All right Dave - play something slow so I can dance with your big brother," Kym commanded.

"Careful, darlin', he's a fast worker."

"Mind if I steal your fiancee, Ruth?"

"Be my guest."

"That calls for Elvis, girls," called Dave. "Just let me get my harp."

So I took hold of Kym, who fortunately was about the same size as Ruth, and we danced to Elvis' Can't Help Falling In Love With You. What I didn't expect to hear was Ruth and Martha singing the lyric while Dave played some really sweet harmonica around them. Then Kym started softly doing harmony in my ear as we danced.

Wow!

"Damn! You two are great! Too bad you're getting married or we'd love to have you sit in with us," enthused Kym.

"You're hired, ladies and alleged gentleman, even if you won't wear a dress." I said.

"You ladies interested in spending some time with Kay and me to work out some four part harmonies? She's my usual vocal partner but I know we could really knock 'em dead if we worked out a couple of numbers. The four sisters from different mothers!"

"I'd like to meet daddy - how did he get a Mexican, a WASP, Asian and Irishwoman pregnant at the same time?"

"Must have been a sailor. You know - a girl in every port?"

"I'll have to ask Mom, but we live an awful long way from the ocean."

"Border patrol, then?"

"Them's fightin' words where I come from, pilgrim!" growled Ruth.

"Good god! It's a Mexican Jane Wayne!"

"Ladies, we've gone astray once more." Ralph interjected.

"Too bad Mary sings like a foghorn or she could join us."

"Foghorn! I resemble that remark!" I know I can't sing anywhere as well as Ruth - or anyone else for that matter.

So the girls put their heads together and found a time to harmonize, then the band did a couple of more numbers before we left them to their regular rehearsal.

As we drove home I realized that I was no longer quite so involved with my family. Part of growing up? I guess. How could I have not known how good a musician my little brother had become? How could I have missed his sweet girlfriend? I wouldn't change my life with Ruth for anything, but for every gain there is a loss.

"You're looking a little sad, lover."

"Just thinking about how things change as you grow up."

"What makes you think you're growing up?"

"Marrying you, starting a job even if they call it an 'internship,' starting our own family someday. I was just realizing how I've lost touch with my brother since I've been away. You're my family now, but I still have the family I came from."

"Just be glad you have a brother and a family who loves you and can accept you for what you are, not what they want you to be."

"You're right, but sometimes the changes smack me in the face."

"Hey! You're living with me, cousin," threw in Martha. "What am I, chopped liver?"

"Don't remind the poor boy of chopsticks, Martha."

"Oops!"

"Sometimes being grown up sucks, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, but most of it is pretty good. I love you, Ruth."

"I love you too, Ralph. We're going to have a good life together.
 

To be continued…

Once again, My thanks to Alys for her help and advice!