Portrait


by Leslie Moore

Chapter Eight

The whole visit with Matt’s mom and finding about his inheritance still had me spinning.

For the next three days, I wandered around in a fog. I guess I got my work done. I guess I watered the plants. I know I fed Mabel, walked Mabel, and slept with Mabel.

Actually, Mabel was my salvation. I wanted to be with her and I told Matt that I wanted to be alone.

“Why are you punishing me?” He stood there staring at me with pain in his eyes.

I shook my head. “I love you, okay? But, right now, I’m all mixed up. I can’t be in charge of anyone else. I can’t handle my own confusion. I’m sliding down a well into the darkness and I don’t want to drag you along. I’m fucked up and it’s not fair to see you be swallowed down with me.”

Matt refused to leave. “I’ll just be in the other room. I need to prove to you that I love you. I’m a rock. I’m your rock.”

I wanted him to leave and let me have a pity party. I couldn’t succumb to the pain if he was here. I wanted to wallow and sob and bawl. I wanted to let it all go. I really wanted him out so that I could hate myself more. I felt like I needed to punish myself.

It really sucked. I knew what I was doing. I wanted to engulf myself in sadness. I wanted to listen to mournful songs and feel sorry for myself. I knew what I was doing and I knew that it was bad. I knew I should just straighten myself up and tugged myself back up again. Instead, I wanted to make fists and hold my breath and cry.

It was stupid. Like when you eat a whole bag of Doritos and you get nauseous. Then as soon as the sickness passes and you feel better and you eat more Doritos.

I stayed busy. During the day, I was normal. I was working on a set of matchbook covers for a group of bars and taverns. Right, you heard me. You’re asking who needs matches anymore? But these guys said that they were the greatest form of advertisement around and they wanted new designs. I was told that people still collected them.

Matt came by and watched over my shoulder. Mini pop art, I like it.

I guess I was lost in my work when Matt and Mabel came downstairs and entered my studio. I looked up. “Hey.”

Matt smiled. “Mabel and I are going out for a walk and ice cream. We voted that you had to come.”

I was still pissed at the world and was trying to think of some hateful thing to say. The best I could do was “Where are you going for ice cream?” I really wanted to know.

“Mabel wants to go to Howards.”

Howards is the best. Seriously, ask anyone in Brooklyn where the best ice cream is and they’ll tell you Howards. I stood up. “Okay. Give me a minute. I need to change.”

I went upstairs and realized I needed a shower and clean clothes. I wondered when was the last time I had cleaned up. I called down and asked if they would give me a few minutes.

A voice came back up. “Mabel says not to take all day.”

I was ready in record time. Well, I don’t know if it was Guinness Record time, but I was moving as fast as I could. I felt a lot less itchy and skunky when I came back down. We cut through the park. I got mocha chip and Mabel got vanilla. Matt always says he doesn’t like ice cream, then eats half of mine.

As we walked back, I glanced at him. “I don’t want to be rich. I don’t want to be corrupted.”

Matt reached over and took a lick off my cone. Then he kissed me. “Good. I didn’t fall in love with you for your money.”

“Why did you?”

He thought for a minute. “You have an inner glow. I can close my eyes and paint you a million times over.”

“If you liked me so much, why did you pay for my facial surgery?”

Matt didn’t hesitate. “Did it make you happy?”

I nodded. “Yes. It made me very happy. It fulfilled a wonderful dream. But, doesn’t it make you uncomfortable being seen with me? Don’t you worry someone might find out you live with a tranny?”

Matt laughed. “Hey, if I can live with someone who likes mocha chip, then I guess it’s all right.”

We walked along without saying anything for a block. Then I turned to Matt.“I’m afraid.”

Matt leaned in and wrapped his arms around me. “I know. I protect you at nights when the goonies try to get at you.”

“Seriously, Matt. I’m afraid. What if you have all that money and something happens to you or someone realizes who you live with and they shun you?”

“Is that what you’re afraid of? You’re afraid the world will hate me because I love you?”

“It’s entered my mind. I don’t want to cause you pain. I love you but I would rather see you leave me while we are still happy than have us break up angry.”

Matt stared at me. “That’s so fucked up. I say I love you and you tell me you’re radioactive and you don’t want me to die from being around you.”

“Don’t you think that people treat you differently because you’re with a tranny?”

Matt kissed me. “Do I care? I don’t need all those other people, just you.”

I sighed. “When you’re rich can we still live like we do? Does anyone have to even know how rich you are and how you run a charity? Do we have to become like your mother?”

Matt laughed and squeezed me tight. “Oh lord. Shoot me now. You know what kills my mom? She knows I’m going to inherit her money too. It’s all written up that way. And she hates the fact that that money is going to help needy people.”

I laughed. I think it was the caffeine from the mocha chip. But I laughed again. I turned to him and kissed him on the mouth. “I’m sorry. I can be a real ass sometimes.”

Matt kissed me. “It’s good. And you have a lovely ass. Caroline, you keep me grounded. I need you even when you’re fighting the goonies day and night. I just want to make you happy.”

“If you sell your condo and your studio, where will you paint?”

“I can paint in my new studio behind Mrs. McCarthy’s flower shop. There’s great northern light and it’s got a pretty view of your house.”

“Would we still live in my house?”

“Yes. It’s perfect for a couple. Of course, we’ll have to reinforce the clothes pole in the closet and put in a new double shower. “

“Do you always think about sex?”

“I don’t like ice cream so my wants are simple.”