They are trying to compare my problems with normal people with body image issues.
It's not something they can understand, every minute with my eyes open is another second I'm screaming inside my head. Because when I'm awake I have to face the fact my body is wrong. The screaming inside my head doesn't stop anymore. I want to rip my skin off sometimes. No medication can fix the constant emotional pain, the frustration, helplessness and hopelessness I'm in It's why I stay in my room, reading sometimes distracts me.
My constant emotional pain has pushed my depression so far that I can't feel anything anymore through the pain, except frustration, grief and a small amount of rage at my mother. This is partly because she kept saying I should wait until I could support myself and from other maybe unintentional but cruel things she's said over the years and things she's done. I not sure that small part of me that hates my mother for those things will ever go away. I feel apathy for everything and everyone on an emotional level. The emotional pain started when I was nine and it got worse when I became a teenager and has gotten progressively worse every year. I don't want a quote that says this is a temporary problem and it gets better it doesn't.
This isn't living anymore and if it doesn't get better I'm not sure how to keep going. I'm always on the cusp of hysterics and the frustrated streaming in my head doesn't stop anymore. Every minute with my eyes open is another minute of pain.
If any makes a religious comment I will snap at you because there is a reason I'm an Atheist now. It was the only way to deal with my constant rage at God.
Comments
Depression
This is depression and you need to seek professional help. It may be that medication will be part of your treatment but not all I suspect.
Let me repeat myself: Seek professional help! Now!
“When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king. The palace becomes a circus.” - Turkish Proverb
Problem is depressed people fall into the trap
They feel they are unique and the only one who feels that way. They can't believe they can get help even all the while looking for advice which their depression tells them they are never going to get help. They are unwilling to surrender to any advice given and actually follow it and get help.
Again, the right medication is critical. Shouting at a depressed person won't help either because now the disease makes them feel being put upon and they become mulish and stubborn about it because people are being so mean to them and they feel they have no way to change things (refuse to believe they can find help to change things.)
I have lived with a depressive partner for over a quarter century.
Well aware
I live with a person that has clinical depressionm - myself. Sooner or later someone has to come along and get them to go in and see about getting help. Leaving a depressed person to decide to go in on their own results in nothing happening. I know, that is what I did for 20+ years. One way or another we have to be compelled to seek treatment.
It took someone literally yelling at me to get me to take that first step. For some people it takes threats. I'm actually having problems right now, I ran out of meds due to lack of money and need to call the doctor for an appointment and arrange for a blood test. I've been putting that call off since early January. I know I need to do it, I know I will feel better once I get my medication, but it is just too much trouble to make the call and show up for the appointment. I also need that swift kick in the ass but there is nobody that cares enough about me to do it.
So at least maybe I can help someone else even if I can't help myself. Until you have actually walked a mile in my shoes don't presume to know more than me, or others for that matter. Living with a person that has depression is nowhere near the same as being that person. You are on the outside looking in through a frosted window.
“When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king. The palace becomes a circus.” - Turkish Proverb
Ihit thatpoint
because I loved my kids I transitioned instead. My gender therapistsaved my life.It gets better if you do something proactive. but not until then. I was 56 years old, It is never too late to transition.I have done so and will never look back I came very close to ending myself. In spite of laying here with a a stoke Itranitioning was the best decision I have ever made.Understand that you are not alone.
https://forum.allaboutcircuits.com/threads/a-confession-and-...
I don't know you. I'm not
I don't know you. I'm not going to pretend to know you. Nothing I say is meant to be cruel, because I don't know you. I have no reason to be cruel to you. Take my advice with a grain of salt.
You need to find what it is that you want to live for. What you're doing now is not living; it's loathing. You can hate God. You can hate your mother. You can hate people trying to help you. Hell, you can even hate me for this post. But it's on you to find something to love. Start with yourself.
You can change your body all day, but you need to address the hatred and rage inside of you. There is never going to be some magical rainbow that shoots from the sky, and drops solutions into your lap. Go search for them! Set a goal for yourself, and strive to achieve it.
If your mother is telling you to wait until you can support yourself, go find a way to support yourself. It's one less way she can tell you no. Then get away from the people and things that make you miserable. Go find your place in the world.
You don't want a line about how it gets better. I'm here to tell you that it will only get better when you decide to make it better. Go explore. Take a nature walk. Find something you've never seen or heard before. If it doesn't amaze or inspire you, move on to something else. Until you have searched every nook and cranny of the universe, it is impossible to say there is no hope out there somewhere. Go live!
~Taylor Ryan
My muse suffers from insomnia, and it keeps me up at night.
Compassion
I'll bet there are millions of people who need YOUR help. You seem to be a person who has a lot to offer and you just might find the answer to YOUR problems by helping others.
Short of Charlize Theron, is there anyone who doesn't wish they had a better or different body . . . and she whines about her beauty stopping her from getting better roles.
I'm not trying to minimize your pain. I'll bet that almost everyone on this site has a fairly good idea how you feel and agrees with you on most of it. It sucks to live a life that isn't what you want.
Life becomes much better for me when I do things for others. It serves the dual purpose of taking my mind off MY problems and allows me to help out someone who really needs it.
Yes . . . seek help for your depression. I have a daughter who has depression and it's a bitch. When she's properly medicated things are terrific. She graduated Phi Beta Kappa from a great college and teaches geometry to advanced ninth graders. She also coaches. During the evenings she tutors college athletes. When things are bad she barely can deal with it, but she does.
We go through a mantra. Are you eating right? (Very important). Are you getting enough sleep? (Almost as important). Are your taking your pills? (No room for not taking them). Are you getting enough exercise? (She finds that she needs to play soccer three to four times a week).
She has the normal life problems but when the wheels fall off it is normally because she isn't living a balanced life of proper diet, regular rest and exercise and proper medication.
I don't always have much in the way of depression, but today I'm feeling the impact of having lost sleep and not having had proper exercise. Little things are bothering me.
No "bull" that's how it works.
My sister faced horrible adversity her entire life. She suffered from diabetes from her teens. She eventually was on dialysis, lost a leg, became blind, had heart and lung issues yet she was infamous for her charitable giving. She recently died at 72 and the church was packed with mourners who she had helped. One man told me that she and my brother-in-law were his only family. He told how every Christmas they included him in their celebratory meal. He spoke about how wonderful his life had been and how terrible it could have been without her. Several refugee families (mostly Kurds) told me of how she had helped them learn English. That was in the early 1990's and they had remained close friends.She was known as a giver even though she spent more than half her life in one hospital room or another. She thought she was fortunate when others felt she She always seemed to be happy. She wasn't Pollyanna or Mother Theresa. She just opened her eyes on what needed to be done for others and found ways to get it done. Had she spent her life concentrating on her personal problems I'm sure she would have died several decades ago without many friends.
Life is a bitch. How you react to it is entirely up to you. Don't settle. I'm not asking you to settle. I'm "suggesting" that you reach outside your pain and find a way to help someone else.
A balanced life. Too much YOU and not enough consideration of others isn't balanced. That just makes sense.
Good luck. Find a support group. Everyone needs one. I have a large support group who keeps me from walking the four blocks to a high bridge which has been used by dozens of people for suicides. I know what you face.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Seeking help
I am seeking help I have a therapist apt on friday. I made it after my last post I do listen to the advice I get from here.
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
Good For You
Nearly thirty-five years ago I started to have severe anxiety attacks. I didn't know it at the time, but I had trained my body to produce adrenaline on demand. Also I was trying to lose weight and existing on high caffeine diet soda. My anxiety got to the point where I was unable to leave my home. Then something magical happened. I found a self-help book that explained bio feedback. I'd taken a lot of psychology courses in college and was able to reverse the "fight or flight" pattern I'd established. Within days I felt much better. Within months I was giving presentations to hundreds of people at a time. Within a few years I was the top salesperson, in the nation, for Metropolitan Insurance Company.
I found that I had to avoid alcohol, sleep eight hours a night, eat right, avoid caffeine, and most importantly understand what the chemicals in my body were doing to me. I could list the many, many amazing accomplishments I've enjoyed, but understand that the strength I needed during the inevitable bleak hours, came from knowing that I was a good person who looked to helping others as much as possible.
Good luck to you.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
time to snap at me i suppose...
"If any makes a religious comment I will snap at you because there is a reason I'm an Atheist now. It was the only way to deal with my constant rage at God."
eh? why blame God? He didn't make you..No where in the bible does it say that he did. He created the Heavens and the Earth, He made the trees and the flowers, He made the animals and the birds, He made Adam and Eve... and then sat back and let life happen.
He STARTED life... he doesn't micro-manage it, We are not the ultimate SIMs game, where he directs our every move, and fixes every problem that crops up.
Then again I'm a Theist...