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I was told that it was not possible for my pelvis to change, for me to grow wider hips, my pelvis to tilted or wider like it should be. It will just be reallocation of fat. This on top of everything else not listed here make me not care anymore. I don't care that I am about to graduate college, it just doesn't matter that much to me and nothing else really ever has. Additionally that means that my pelvis would not be suitable for a transplanted womb. Unless another medical professional tells else tells me different I can't find the motivation to keep going. I have already lost the majority of my apetite and barely feel the need to eat anymore. The weight is crushing me and my anxiety levels are through the roof, my chest has been tight for days.
I'm not yet at the point where I'm planning suicide, but I just don't really care anymore and if that continues for another week it probably won't take me to get there.
Comments
um....
Um..... you actually sound better off than I am. I wouldn't care about a transplant. I'd be happy if I at least looked correct. Because I wanted to change; no job, no car, no romance and no chance at any of them either. Sorry to hear you're ready to chuck it all into the toilet. I wouldn't, but I guess some are willing to make do with what we can get. good luck to you.
quidquid sum ego, et omnia mea semper; Ego me.
alecia Snowfall
hon, go for help, stat
dont give up. call the suicide line, find a hospital, do something.
I have enough candles in my windowsill for all those who are gone, I dont want to add another one.
I'm not there yet, but
I'm not there yet, but judging by last time I felt this, and last time wasn't as bad, the weight wasn't as crushing, it took a while for me to get there
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
Miracles
Only happen in fiction and the bible.
I went outside once. The graphics weren' that great.
Things keep changing
Medical science keeps making leaps and bounds. Things considered impossible just a few years ago are now commonplace now, so don't give up! You don't know when a breakthrough will occur and it would be a shame to miss it because you decided to check out just the day before it was announced. You are surrounded by people who are waiting with you!
Suzij
Michelle,
It sounds like you are very depressed. I'm 66 and I've had depression most of the time since college. Gender dysphoria can be horrible; you know TGs suicide and/or get into other major problems.
But, You've written that you are/were on psych meds. You might be depressed for some biological or other reason and the GD just makes it worse. I and most pshinks know that anti de's can work well for a while (many months or years) then quickly stop working. It's like liver detoxification enzymes ignore the anti de until something sets them off and they'll remove all the anti de before it gets to the brain.
Anyway, what ever is going on with you, you need to see your pshink or a new one and try a new anti de. It used to be that one would need to see a pshink to get approval for transitioning so you should see one that meets your needs.
After your depression subsides, you need to use your degree and get a decent job, if possible. You'll need money for surgery/ies until you're satisfied with your face and body. When womb transplants become available, if you have the money, don't worry about your pelvis. All I've heard about womb implants is the moms get c sections; and neovaginas can't stretch like the real thing so having a vaginal birth seems very unlikely. Moms get c sections frequently; my bio-daughter was delivered by c-section.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
If you're talking bony change
the chemistry needs to happen as young as possible because once ossified, the bone is fixed by having hardened, this usually happens earlier in females than males but certainly by early twenties in most male bodies. Unless you were on blockers at puberty, I doubt your skeleton would produce the type of pelvis you require.
While I suspect we all sympathise--I'd love 'child-bearing hips' but it was never going to happen. However, I'm still living my dream and have been for thirty years next month. I seem to pass sufficiently well to continue interacting with most people and it has never stopped me being able to earn my living. I'll never be beautiful but in my younger days did get asked out.
Make the best of what you've got and try to stop reaching for the unattainable, you're still young enough to enjoy a fairly full life as female and not all of them are able to bear children. It's not the only function in life even for females. If you said so to my daughter she'd violently disagree, she's a biological female who has never wanted children - not everybody does.
Angharad
:(((( I didn't start puberty
:(((( I didn't start puberty till late and when I was 18 I asked for do todo for blockers but she wouldn't give them to me said they wouldn't make a difference
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
Don't despair, but a wider
Don't despair, but a wider pelvis maybe helpul for normal child birth, there is also caesarean section which is how my two sisters gave birth t o five children.
One of them had hips like a twelve year old boy. She is very happy and content with 3 children, 2 boys, and a girl.
Karen
Peering into the Abyss
EVERYONE has their own personal abyss. Judging another person's breaking point is fruitless and pointless.
I've considered suicide several times in my life. Every time something has happened to change the circumstances. I've looked back and wondered "What was the BIG DEAL?"
Life isn't always fair. In fact, most of the time it's grossly unfair. Fairness isn't essential to happiness.
Dealing with the mixed blessing of being transgender isn't easy. It adds another rock to the pack. So does a lot of other things.
I have four children and would never minimize how important they are to me. My sister has two children and they're also extremely important to her. Hers are both adopted.
Anxiety and depression are horrible. I've had to deal with both. My anxiety grew to the point where I could not force myself to leave my home. Through behavioral psychology I was able to change my life to the point that I soon was giving two and three speeches a day. My daughter's anxiety has caused her great pain. Yet, she managed to graduate Phi Beta Kappa and has been teaching for the last four years. We're all a total of the chemicals in our body. There are chemicals you can add to your body to help you deal with both anxiety and depression.
If you want to be happy, practice compassion. Find people who need your help and give it to them. Talk to people about your needs. Give them the opportunity to help you . . . which will lead to their happiness.
It really works.
Thanks for sharing.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Well Said
I wish I had read yours before I posted mine.
Hugz
waif
Be kind to those who are unkind, tolerant toward those who treat you with intolerance, loving to those who withhold their love, and always smile through the pains of life.
Food for Thought
Michelle, I pose these questions and these statements.
5 questions
Do you have serious problems?
Can you get everything you were hoping for?
Do any of us get everything we want?
When you think of being a mother, do you consider that your child may someday have a serious problem?
Would you ever advise your own child to commit suicide?
5 statements
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
We are each cursed with a variety of failings, things over which we have no control.
We each are blessed with talents and inner beauty that can transcend our deficiencies.
We each have within us the power to raise up the spirit of another.
You are valued and loved.
For one final point, I would ask you to consider how you could face the children that you hope to have one day and explain to them how you gave up on them by giving up on yourself. It is a cliche when someone says that it is always darkest before the dawn, but most cliches are true...that's how they become cliches.
Hang in there. You have no idea what the future holds, or what new breakthroughs are on the horizon. Most of my favorite people on this site are much too old to benefit from the newest technologies and scientific/medical miracles. I look at them as pioneers who paved the way for those of us who are young. Imagine facing these issues 50 years ago. Many of them did exactly that, and they inspire us because they refused to be broken by the weight of their own pain. Take strength from them and work hard to make a better world for those who will follow you and I.
Hugs full 'o Love
waif
Be kind to those who are unkind, tolerant toward those who treat you with intolerance, loving to those who withhold their love, and always smile through the pains of life.
Great minds
think alike, luv. I've personally dealt with suicidal issues most of my adult life, stemming from some bad things in my childhood. I was damn near successful twice. That was at a point in my life I thought the sun would never shine again.
Fast forward 25 years later. I'm in an adult Foster Care home in south Detroit, just sitting on the patio, talking with my friends, and watching the world go on. I get up out of my chair, and hit the concrete- my heart has completely stopped. That was when I got the FIRST pacemaker, October 8, 2015.
A year later, I'm at the doctor, getting my pacer checked. Dec 16, 2016. I get up off the exam table, and both leads short out unexpectedly. I die, for the second time. In the three days it takes to get the special pacemaker I need to survive, I die 3 more times. The last time, the doctors were in the process of calling it, as I had been in a flat-line state for over 5 minutes, after 8 failed attempts to restart my heart. God and I had a little chat- white light, tunnel, etc., and He told me it was not my time- that I still had a purpose.
Hearing from the Almighty that you are needed has a profound way of changing your perspective on life and death. I now cherish each day, and try to concentrate on positive things.
Michelle, think of just one positive thing in your life. Then take that tiny grain, and hold on to it dearly. You WILL get through this. I, and everyone else on BC, will NOT allow you to fail. I know it's tough, hun, but we all need you more than you can ever realize.
I lost one friend to suicide because I said and did nothing.
I lost a second friend because I took action, and prevented her from making the same mistake my first friend did.
Given the choices and outcomes, I think I was a better friend in the second instance than I was in the first.
*Kisses Always*
Haylee V
She prescribed me a dosage
She prescribed me a dosage that is only 2mg daily that is way too low.
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
you said your dosage was too
you said your dosage was too low? How do you know? i'm on 2 as well, and it works just fine for me.
As for hips/pelvis well...that's how the body works. Most TS unfortunately never get the super hourglass shape with shapely breasts and childbearing hips (my body distributed the fat right to my butt/hips)
genetics are what they are.
The standards of care say it
The standards of care say it should be higher.
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
A number of factors
must be considered when dosing hormones: age, health, physical stature, bone density, cancer risk, smoking risks, etc.
Here is what Dr. Anne Lawrence has to say on the issue: --> http://www.annelawrence.com/hormone_regimens.html
Having contacted her personally, a few things were left unsaid in this, however. She told me via email that her assumptions were that the individual had never taken androgen blockers, had in tact and functional testes, and had an average frame for a man (200 pounds, 6 foot tall, average build and musculature, fairly active, non-smoker, with good cardiac health and triglyceride levels, normal LDL levels, no risks of cancer or thrombosis/embolism).
You don't mention the method of administration of your hormones, as some methods are more effective than others, and thus require lower dosages. Also, you don't mention how long you've been on blockers, as the testes begin to atrophy after a certain length of time, and naturally produce less testosterone, thus requiring lower dosages. You fail to mention the health of your liver as well, and what other medications (If any), supplements, herbs, or vitamins you take, as these also factor into your dosage. The WPATH standards of care is a ROUGH guideline for an AVERAGE person, who meats a TIGHTLY DEFINED set of criteria. I know very few doctors that administer more than 2 mg to a relatively young, otherwise healthy person. Even Suporn and Marcia agree that 2 mg is about the limit for proper transition, as higher doses increase risks without significantly contributing to the benefits desired.
*Kisses Always*
Haylee V
A few transition facts ...
At first I was not going to respond to this blog, but finally decided that someone needed to say something. I started messing with hormones around 1995 at age 48 and finally had SRS in 2007.
2 mg a day is about right for oral Estradial, though I have heard of people taking as high as 20mg, and that is very hard on liver and kidneys. I use Vivelle Dot .1, which is a patch and that goes right into your blood, so the liver and kidneys do not see the heavy dosage of Estrogen. My body really likes subdermal Estrogen and all my breast development happened after I started using that, and I'm somewhere between 42 b and c. Most women who I have seen naked are a-b. Big hooters are a lot of work and inconvenience.
So, you mentioned that you were about to graduate College, so you are +20? What was your major? When did you start taking hormones and blockers and have you had castration? Are you normal XY or does an intersex condition exist? Who gave you the expectation that your hips would widen?
I don't have personal knowledge of t folk who were identified very early, before puberty. Yes, the pelvis of a female does flatten, broaden, and the pelvic brim is larger in a female, as the pelvic arch is U shaped also. I have not seen documentation on the skeletal development in T females who are very young. There are actually lots of genetic XX females who do not have sufficient pelvic development to deliver a baby through the birth canal. You might check to see if Boston Children's Hospital will tell you anything.
I am XXY but was identified very late in life, and the evidence points to the idea that I was so small in my pre-adolescent years that I was given testosterone, but I still only got to 5'7". In my reading I have seen that XXY folk can develop into reproductive females, or males depending upon the treatment protocol, but not holding an MD degree, my knowledge is limited.
With the greatest gentleness and patience, I suggest that you take it back a notch. I have known families who adopted babies. We adopted one, and we loved her completely.
As to suicide, in the period 2004 to 2008, I was hospitalized 6 times over the loss of my family when I was outed. Psych drugs and hospitalization are highly overrated, and in the end you are the one who has to do all the work. No one can adapt to reality but you.
Spoken as a mother to you, and I hope this helps you.
Uterus Transplant...
I'm still young enough that I hope to have a uterus transplanted into me from my stem cells...
No, not bragging, but I hope to be a biomom. I believe that in 10 years MtF will be biomoms and FtM will be biodads...
Stem Cells Research is going to give young transgendered kids eggs and sperm with their own DNA...
TGSine --958
You deal with what is
There are plenty of T-girls who would never pass in a gazillion years.
The number who have passed through puberty and who have child bearing hips are in a distinct minority. I myself only have junior miss hips, with my waist about 7 to 8 inches narrower than my hips and that is due to a fluke of puberty where the estrogen surge that occurs prior to male puberty (*sigh*) gives some of us temporary boobies and for me, rapid hip expansion for a while (there are stretch marks around my hips from that happening.)
It's the luck of the draw hon.
I would love for my shoulders to be narrower, hands and feet to be a bit smaller, head to be smaller, have a hidden womb and be actually intersexed, not suffering from alopecia etc.
Sorry, but the making lemonade out of lemons cliche is applicable here. ALL people live with the hand they are dealt with. EVERY. ONE. OF. US. Trans or Not.
You can do whatever you want but I would take stock with what you have and 'roll with it', if I were you and value your existence as a human being beyond mere childbirth.
So true...
We have to deal with what is given us. However, soon if what I read is correct, TGs younger than me, and maybe my generation, will have full SRS, including uterus and testes...
My bf knows I'm not an XX girl, but he knew me as a boy. I would love to have his children in me for 9 months, when we are ready.
TGSine --958
Very true...
Not only will I never have the hips I'd like to have, I have to deal with a severe spinal curvature (we're talking Quasimodo here). There are, however, things about me that I consider myself lucky to have--my voice is very convincing, or so I'm told (if nothing else, I'm not basso profundo) and I have hair that both trans and non-trans women have complimented me on. The point I'm getting at, I suppose, is that we all have things we like and hate about ourselves, and we have to take the bad with the good.
I too would love to think that I'm intersexed (at least then, my transition would have a built-in justification, and I could have the satisfaction of saying to my family, "See? I told you so!") but given the effect testosterone had on me, somehow I doubt it.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
I need to find a new doctor
I need to find a new doctor that accepts caresource ohio Medicaid she isn't prescribing a high enough dose
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
Subdermal Patches
Try to get her to prescribe Vivelle Dot .1 because it is about 1/100 the dose of 2mg Esradial but much more effective because it goes right into your blood stream. My results were astonishing.
Don't Give Up
I know it's hard to do, but keep your head up. There are too many of us that check out before we are due. Hell the suicide rate is still 33%. That being said on every page (excluding the printer friendly) there are several links to help groups and the suicide prevention phone number. You are not weak if you call or get help, that just means that you are smart enough to break the cycle that we go through being Transgender. PLEASE get help, we don't want to have any more names added to the remembrance list.
Here's another tidbit, most of the trans people the check out early don't get to chose what's on their tombstone. You want to be remembered for who you are now, not whom you were born as.
The answers to all of life's questions can be found in the face of a true friend