These are the comments one of my cousins sent me on facebook. I am having trouble deciding whether she doesn't understand or is letting religion color her thoughts too much she is very religious. Here it is
I don't know how to respond to this without getting angry
Ok Heres the word, Quincy just because you can't widen your hips is no reason to end your life. There are plenty of Woman who have narrow hips and there are plenty of tricks to make yours appear bigger if surgery is not an option. You must put aside your fantasy of what you think would make you happy and trade it for reality- nature has given you narrow hips for a reason and nature has given you higher testosterone levels for a reason- don't fight it! embrace the beauty you've been gifted! if you want to identify as a woman there are other things you can do to express that - things that don't interrupt what nature gave you. I was on hormone replacement therapy last year (for different reasons than your own) it was horrible and as a medical professional - I wound never encourage anyone to do that. when you mess with your internal hormone level your asking for emotional instability. Again, don't fight what nature has given you to create balance and homeostasis within. Quincy you're an awesome human being and I'm afraid that fixating on having wider hips is taking your focus off of what really matters in life. Its easy to romanticize about what we think would make us happy when in reality if you're not happy now you probably won't be happy later either. Happiness is a by product of Joy and Joy comes from within...it blossoms from deeper things than external features. I think if humans spent more time working on the beauty of their character and what their hearts looked like opposed to spending so much time on external appearance (which is fleeting) than this world would be a much better place. Getting to the place where you can love your self despite what you don't appreciate about your body gives birth to enlightenment..believe me this is every girls lot in life!
Quincy, sometime change takes time before it becomes norm. GLBT rights are a newer idea in this country...give it some more time. Plus look at history- when people want to see change in their rights they often have to face great opposition. Ending your life over something that the government does or doesn't do is not a solution to anyones problem. It pains me to hear you say things in reference to ending your life...this is NEVER the Solution and there is always a better way! Are you a part of any face to face support groups? I get worried about you only having contact to supportive people through blogs...that can be a very isolating world. I was proud of you for going to a yoga class. I know personally I feel a sense of unity and peaceful rhythm when I participate in a physical activity thats challenging but rewarding. I love you so much and you have a lot to offer this world. I believe every human being on this earth has a purpose ..its just a matter of figuring out what that purpose is.
Another family member said because I am unhappy now i will be miserable later. That I should be happy because of all the things I have, but I am not very materialistic.
It's not just hips it encompasses a lot more
Would appreciate advise on how to handle things like this.
Comments
It gets better
I don't know your life, only mine, but sticking out low times has let me reach the better ones.
Regarding your family, I am sorry to hear how they are treating you. Unhelpful words from people thinking they are helping, make a timeless story. The Book of Job is just one such account.
The observation I will make is that nobody who has told me how I "should" feel has show me that they understood my feelings, so I stopped relying on their words.
I wish you well as you weather this storm and hope these words can give you some support.
Your cousin contradicts herself
by telling you to focus on your inner self but then shows she isn't doing so or how you presented wouldn't matter to her, when clearly it does. I've been on HRT for nearly forty years so suspect I have more experience of it than she does. There are risks but if you are aware of those then it's your decision if you want to take them.
I do agree with her on your previously mentioned suicidal ideation. Having had a son do that, the mess it leaves behind for everyone else is dreadful, also it doesn't solve your problems just shifts them to others.
It takes courage and a thick hide to transition and it can be very tough, but if it's what you need to do then go and do it, the sooner the better from a physical point of view. Oh and good luck. I transitioned at work 30 years ago on Thursday and don't regret a single day of it.
Angharad
I second that it takes a thick hide
It also takes a lot of intestinal fortitude to stick with it despite disappointments. Being focused on death because of one unattainable goal during transition is stupid to put it bluntly. If you can't navigate disappointment in life then you will inevitably find another disappointment that 'if I can't have that that I would just die!!!'. You need to address that part of yourself whether you transition or not.
I started a couple months ago
I started a couple months ago but my depression is currently stemming from being unsure if I waited to long for hips.
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
Suicide over hips???
'Seriously, you need to grow up and quit being so selfish. I know women who are as straight as a board. A man's head grows his whole life. A woman's hips likewise.
I know women who only wear full skirts, or long tops to conceal the fact that their hips are too large or too small. Join the rest of the world.
There is more to it than that
There is more to it than that.
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
I had an aquitance who was GG...
She had no hips. Small breasts. "Beer belly" (almost). Female pattern baldness. It was very easy to mistake her for a guy. And I was suspecting that she is TG... Until I learned that she is a happy mother of two... (And I heard a bit of discussion when she was talking about how her pregnancies went with a pregnant girl...)
And I know a guy. Over 2 meters high. Beard. Just a bit overweight. A little bit, for his height. But he has hips and booty AJ will kill for!
So... XX chromosomes and estrogen bath do not automatically mean "womanly hips". XY chromosomes and testosterone submersion do not mean absence of "womanly hips"...
Anyway, don't fixate on your body's appearance. In itself it does not mean a thing. There are too many body shapes that are "normal". (I once seen a girl who by 14 had natural breasts in the range of EE to FF cup. And no hips at all... I was told that some women on her mother's side are like this - humongous breasts by 14, and still small hips by 30... And I know another girl, who has huge bum and hips and AA cup breasts by the age of 40... And she IS jealous of girls with smaller hips)
I still haven't found an
I still haven't found an trans specific therapist or a pcp that I like around gahanna, ohio who takes caresource (ohio medicaid) I would prefer female for both but ill take male if I have to.
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
Honestly, other than the testosterone line,
which in itself can be interpreted a couple of different ways, this seems very supportive overall to me. She says she doesn't support the idea of hormone therapy, largely for personal reasons, but she goes out of her way to say she supports YOU, even going so far as to use feminine references in regards to how she refers to you.
One thing where she IS right, though, is that focusing so laser-tight on your hips is nothing if not detrimental to your health, and that appearance is far from the be-all and end-all of who we are. It's something you'll get from your psychologists, too, at least if you talk to ones who are worth their salt and not yes-men who will agree to anything for your money, and that's that you have to learn to be happy with who you are -- not WHAT, necessarily, but WHO -- because THAT is the most important part of the transition.
There is absolutely no reason to get angry at what she shared above. It's supportive, but not blindly so: she shares her own reservations, but goes out of her way past that to make it evident that what's important to her is that you learn to love yourself no matter what, and that's a beautiful message.
Don't be so quick to condemn others for being willing to share their own views, especially when those views are tempered as they are here by an obvious acceptance of you no matter the choice you make, nor should you be so quick to hate yourself over something out of your control. Wider hips really is the least of one's worries, and even for childbirth the option of a C-section -- which was required for both me AND my sister to be born, regardless of the size of my mom's hips! -- exists.
Don't dwell on the might have beens or the wish-weres. Instead, think of all the things you CAN do, you CAN accomplish, and who you CAN be, because if you can't love yourself -- not the body, but the mind within -- and find comfort in at least that, then no amount of body modification is ever going to fix you, because it will never be good enough, far enough, until it's too far altogether. We're a sensitive lot, after all, and far too many of us DO think the body is the most important part of what makes us women, or men, or anything else, but it really is just the window dressing on the person within.
Unless the message above is out of the norm for your cousin, I'd say take the support and love it offers at face value, and understand the concerns she expresses, even if you don't agree with them. Empathize with others and try to understand how they view things, even when they have trouble understanding your own, and you'll find you take a lot less offense and find a lot more joy in life.
Melanie E.
If we don't understand ourselves? can we blame others?
Many (I dare say vast majority) don't understand ourselves or our perception and understanding of ourselves changes. Consequently we can't blame others for not understanding us entirely, it would be scary if they did. I agree with Melanie E. the letter you received is largely supportive, voices concerns for you and they are sincere. Different points of view and opinions are fine, you don;t want friends who will just nod their head at everything you put forward. Gender variance is not well understood and majority of people see only the sensational media side of it.
As we move on in life we discard some dreams and much more importantly celebrate the achievement and rejoice at realization of others. Focus more on the half full than the half empty.
As a total bystander ,your cousin's note is a glass more than three quarters full and where it is empty is not due to being mean or judgmental but just human variability. People are different, just look at this site.
I Had the Same Reaction As Melanie E
I would be delighted to have a relative who cared that much about me.
Maybe you should dissect the message and tell us why it's so offensive to you. I'm not understanding.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Problem is, I don't think Michelle wants to hear that
She wants to continue believing that hips are 'all important' and for some reason that is it be all and end all of being female. It is an important hallmark, sure, but it is just one of many.
Maybe she should take a survey as to what the expectation of post-puberty transitioning transwomens' expectations of having super wide hips are. The physical reality is, as long as you are post-male puberty, that ship has pretty much sailed, along with having a lyric soprano voice.
What I understood her relative to mean....
...is something along the lines of, "Express your cross-gender feelings all you want, as long as you don't actually make physical changes." She wants her to embrace the fact her body produces testosterone, and her masculine shape. Which to me hardly sounds supportive, unless I misunderstood.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
I can see that,
and I agree that the OP's cousin did seem to feel that transition wasn't the ideal option, but at the same time I saw no nastiness in that statement, only concern. My mom doesn't feel that transition is the best option for ME, either, because of her religious and social/moral leanings, but while she has expressed her concern about that in the past, she has never told me she would shun me or hate me for the fact I feel it necessary.
That's the feeling I get here too. The OP's cousin wishes them happiness, and while they don't understand the drive to transition, or the desire to face that much pain and suffering when, to their mind, the OP's body is fine as-is, I saw nothing that implied they would in any way mistreat the OP for taking the transition course. That's understandable, even admirable, to me, because it shows the cousin has the OP's best interests in mind even if their own understanding of the OP's desires is incomplete.
Melanie E.
The Serenity Prayer
Millions of people accept this as their personal philosophy:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."
It appears her sister is well within this wise axiom.
"Support" doesn't always mean total agreement. Many times it means having the love needed to tell someone she is off course.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
June 21 ( last month )
I had several cis-fems tell me they envied me my slender hips and legs ( and my butt ).
They honestly thought I am cis-fem, until I told them flat out that I'm transgendered.
as in librarian type sans cosmetics.
what you wear, and how you carry yourself will have a far bigger impact on your appearance and people's perceptions of you than hips or bust line will.
2 days later, someone walks up to my best friend and tells him he is a "lucky guy" cause of how hawt the woman he saw my friend with the evening before. ( me )
my friend didn't tell him I'm trans, but did tell him we are and will only ever be friends. ( I'm not masculine enough for him. :p )
would I like to have more hips? yes.
would I like my bust to fill my bras better? yes.
is it worth stressing over if I don't get them? not to me, not when I get compliments like I posted above.
Stupidity is a capital offense. A summary not indictable.
It's my FACE that I hate...
...since that gets me read more than anything. Too prominent a brow ridge, male hairline, too large a nose. And my feet! They're huge (women's size 12 on a 5'6" body). I'll tell you something, I've gone through periods where I felt like killing myself over that, because I thought I looked like a caricature of a woman, "Uncle Miltie" in drag. (Or, if you're too young to get that reference, "Mrs. Doubtfire.") It's hard to describe how heartsick I get when I see, say, Janet Mock, someone who can look female without really trying.
The only advice I can give the original poster, therefore, is that those feelings pass. Don't make a hasty decision you can't undo. Once someone kills himself/herself, it's forever.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
Firsst. It is impossible to communicate...
...with your family without losing your temper. For me... Only person who was and still is able to cause me to actually lose my temper is my mother. Second best was my ex, but she was more reliant on my frustration.
On the other hand, the message to you is basically supportive. If you exclude some personal bugs due to the wrong prescriptions, your cousin's message is quite supportive. And even me, person who thinks that any and all religions are evil by design, could not find any distinct signs ofmyour cousin religiousness in that message. (yes, there are some Christian connotations due to growing in the area where everybody says "oh my god" and "damn" for any reason or without any reason)
And... I think that meeting your cousin face to face could help you to gain more support in your family. Just don't forget, that even readers and writers on BCTS are not very well versed in current inoffensive politically correct approved by LGBTQA community activists language. Just show to your cousin that you are a good people, going to live your life without actively reducing your expected lifespan, and you will ge glad for any kind of support in your family.