I'm not in a good place right now, I'm not functioning at all and haven't been for months. The only thing that distracts me is reading and it isn't working as well anymore. I'm either constantly near tears or in tears and I'm constantly wishing the pain would end and thinking about how I wouldn't mind so much.
I'm so close to the edge right now and closer than I have been before that if something sets me I'll will more than likely kill myself this time, because I don't see a future for me where I'm not in constant mental torment. I have tried so hard but I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. The depression is bad that I don't feel much of anything anymore past it. I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy it has been at least a decade and any happiness I feel is shortlived and only last a minute or to at most.
Comments
advice
I advise you to call somebody. do it today. Like, NOW would be a good time.
quidquid sum ego, et omnia mea semper; Ego me.
alecia Snowfall
That doesn't make the pain go
That doesn't make the pain go away. I want to be able to stop crying and stop hurting I don't anything can do that for me
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
I beg you not to do anything irrevocable.
If there is one person for whom you have any regard or affection, which is I hope reciprocated, then you won't put them through the pain my family has known since my son took his own life nearly three years ago. Your depression will eventually lift, it always does. My pain will never stop nor will the emptiness inside my heart. Suicide is the most selfish act an individual can make. Please don't put someone else though worse pain than you're in now and I speak from experience.
Angharad
It's the gd that's driving it
It's the gd that's driving it and the estragen isn't working fast enough and probably won't be enough because I waited too long. I can't stop crying going on over 4 hours without stopping, I'm also beating myself with never telling someone sooner. So many missed opportunities. I don't have anyone I care that much for anymore, the gd has aggravated my depression so badly that I barely feel anything anymore. I know I love my parents most of the time but the depression is so bad I don't feel it anymore and only know it on an intellectual level. It hurts pretty much all the time basically everytime I see myself. The one that is breaking the is the one on top of the list
Probably never pass as a female
Too tall 6-1
Too large hands and feet size 11-12
Too old for the effects I wanted
Insurance won't cover almost everything
Probably never sing again
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
Re: It's the gd that's driving it
I understand that quite well, the GD has been driving me for nearly 25 years now, and without a fairly large amount of ready cash, I'll never pass worth a damn myself. I happen to have the bad luck that, even just minutes after I do a close shave, I have visible shadow.
Over the last quarter century, I've tried just about every inexpensive and semi-expensive foundation out there, and I have yet to find one that really works for me. I either end up looking like I have grey skin (too light) or red/brown skin (too dark); either way, it stands out. It's pretty much why I don't even bother to wear make-up much nowadays, without a lot of laser electrolysis, that shadow will always be there.
So I do understand the never pass part of your comment, in other respects, I'm fairly lucky; I'm short, 5'5", but carrying enough extra weight that my abdomen looks like a barrel, my hands are slightly large but not embarrassingly so, I can wear a 9 or 9.5 women's shoe. To offset those, I'm 51 next month, OHIP (medical coverage here) won't cover anything beyond the estrogen and anti-androgen. Any surgeries, including SRS I would have to pay out of my own pocket, as I will NOT go through the one place that picks a few people each year for surgery. I went there for an assessment in '95, and the doctor I saw treated me like shit, almost every comment he made about me was a put down.
I'm not too sure about the singing, my voice isn't too bad, I suppose, but I always seem to hear it as being a bit too male. *shrugs*
In any case, people here have given you great advice. You NEED to find a good therapist, and SOON. I have no idea where you are located, but you might want to check and see if there are any services that can recommend a therapist for you, perhaps your GP?
Please, please, don't go the suicide route. I tried several times in the '90s, but always failed, and I'm DAMN glad that I did fail. Even with everything in my life being as it is, I want to be alive, to live it and hope that maybe, just maybe, I can find a way to truly be me.
Hang in there!
New medical breakthroughs are always happening, so just hang in there you never know where it will go with procedures for Gender Re-Assignment. I suffer from bouts of Depression my self and get so low i start thinking about ways to kill my self, All I can say is fight through it, the Depression will pass, if it does not talk to someone you trust, Please!!!! If all else fails contact the Suicide Hot Line.
"Cortana is watching you!"
For What It's Worth
Probably never pass as a female
Go to a mall immediately. Not a mall that only attracts only young people, but a mall that has customers of all ages. I’m over 200 pounds and wear mostly 2XL clothing. Yet, about 10 to 15% of the females I see in malls make me feel ultra-feminine.
too tall 6-1
Move to Sudan, where the average Nilotic woman is 5’11”. Again, when you’re at that mall check out women. I’m 5’10” and favor tennis shoes. I find myself looking up at a large number of women.
Too large hands and feet size 11-12
Keep your hands hairless and wear attractive rings. Rings make hands look quite feminine. Nail polish helps. Here’s some tips on making your feet appear smaller http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Your-Feet-Look-Smaller
Too old for the effects I wanted
I can’t help you with ageism. Age is very much about attitude. Over the years, I’ve sent thousands of copies of this essay to people. http://boomersint.com/youth.htm
Watch a little Grace and Frankie. They’re not letting age stop them from doing anything.
With the strides they're making today with 3D printers, body changing may soon be every day occurrences.
Insurance won't cover almost everything
If you have some magical globe that tells you where health insurance is going to be in six months you could probably make a lot of many. NO ONE knows what will and will not be covered.
Probably never sing again
I was in my high school chorus and have sounded okay in certain showers, but overall I’m embarrassed now to even sing in church. I don’t know your circumstances but can tell you that singing is mainly between your ears. Go to any karaoke or open mike night and you’ll see dozens of people who think they’re Justin Timberlake and are really more like Florence Foster Jenkins.
I’m not in your body. And, I’m not equipped to be very helpful, but I can tell you that the suicides I’ve been around – which have been numerous – have only had one thing in common. They solved nothing.
Our bodies are so easily misled by chemicals. What you feel is a totally unsolvable problem might be a pill away from being a mere nuisance.
Reach out to whoever you can. People are waiting to help you. More people love you than you can imagine.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
It really does get better
I was where you are at for several years. I literally could not see any chance at a functional future. My mantra, repeated dozens if not hundreds of times a day was, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". I am finally, after a very bad decade, on the other side of the depression now and it IS better and I AM glad I didn't end my life then. I know how hard it is to be where you are. If there is any support around you with friends or family call them NOW. If you're not on antidepressants make a doctor's appointment (as an aside, antidepressants didn't help me with GD but estrogen did). I know it's hard to get yourself to do anything when you're like this but hang on. Call for help. Get someone who is more functional than you right now on your side helping you get the help you need. If you don't have anyone else and need someone to talk to PM me.
This is about "US" you and me
Michelle, I started praying for God to take me back when I was four. Living or past tense, I doubt anyone has asked for a return more than I have. When I was sixteen God gave me what I had prayed for all those years. I spent four months puking my guts out, crawling to the bathroom and back to bed. In that time I lost fifty lbs and three inches in height. The last three weeks I would leave this mortal shell of pain several times a day and visit with God. I can tell you there is Heaven and it is exactly what you want it to be. (give that some thought).
Each time, God gave me two options. I could stay or I could return. No I did not see Him. I only talked with Him. All I had to do was take that final "step" and I would see Him. For a number of years now, everyone is having to put up with my decision. On our last visit I decided to try and stick it out. The next day, daddy loaded me up in the car, Dr. Featherstone finally figured out what was wrong, gave me a shot, and a couple days after that I'm back on my feet. I started school two weeks too late but was allowed into my grade and classes.
Michelle, I'm not in your body. Saying anything as stupid as, "I know how you feel" is totally asinine. I can tell you to find someone to lean on and get help.
VA Hotline is 1-800-273-8255 and press 1
Text CONNECT to 741741
I love you hon. Don't do what I did. It's been a hell of a ride and no I don't want to do this life all over again. But yeah, it has been worth sticking with it.
hugs
always,
Barb
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl
We're in similar places
I'm trying to do something to abate the situation. Trump and his minions make me feel vulnerable and crazy, so I am not watching much news at all. He always has a new twist on being nutty. I'm shedding people in my life that cause me distress. One of them has been my long time therapist. Another is the religious groups I've been affiliated with. This has been the winter from hell here; just dragging on and on, so I'm getting out as much as possible if it takes rain gear, or a garbage bag with a hole in it to make a poncho.
I used to write a lot, and though I'll likely never be a big name author, at least I'm distracted. Not sure that suicide is selfish, but it does hurt people that you never supposed it would, because some of those you know are likely just barely hanging on at times.
Chin up.
Gwen
Help
Several people have suggested things you might do in the short term to help you. You have basically replied that you don't think they will help. There is one thing I can give you an ironclad guarantee on, they won't help if you don't try. Maybe they won't make things better, but it is worth a try.
In addition to the resources already mentioned you might try your county health dept. Or what ever it is called where you live. They may be able to give you a list of therapists that can help at little or no cost to you. And honestly, try the various hot lines, not only are they a place where somebody will listen to you without judgement they may be able to give you some resources.
There are some national hot lines just for trans people. There are some websites and forums just for people like us that feel we have reached the end of our rope. If you have reached the end of your rope then tie a knot in it and hang on! Just remember, you are not alone. Plenty of us have gone before you and there will be plenty to follow. You are not unique, people can show you how to deal with things.
Not to brag, but I have survived being molested as a child, being kicked out of my family for being trans, the death of my partner at too young an age, and all the while coping with a genetic disease that will kill me either in the short term or the long term. The only sure action is a total heart-lung transplant. I'm not even on the list, first off they are very rare and secondly I couldn't afford it. Oh, and I had a quad heart bypass about five years ago.
You have probably seen the list of the major stress events in a person's life, you know the ones. They mention things like being fired, changing jobs, getting divorced, etc. I go down those lists and check off the ones that haven't happened to me, it would be easier and faster. Yet I'm still here, battered and bruised, not always a nice person to have around, but I'm still taking life day by day. Can you do any less? Everybody is the star of their own story. Make yours one with a happy ending.
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin
Depression
Get Help Now!
Do not wait.
GET HELP NOW!
Red MacDonald
Please don't give up, please.
Michelle I can easily remember feeling as you do right now, I spent most of my life thinking EVERY day from the time I was 12 that the world would be better without me and I wouldn't be in pain anymore... Every day... I've been there and plotted my demise thousands of times... Sadly even attempted it, more than once... I had the same fears.. Post puberty I'm 6ft tall, size 13(womens) shoes, and built like a linebacker, and as far as gloves I have to wear XL's. I'm huge... Most of my adult life I weighted in at around 260 lbs. I knew I'd never pass for shit. Throw into that I started balding at 25...
My last attempt was when my GD crippled me at 39 (in 2012) I was going to let the anxiety starve me to death. It came really close... I hit a point after I had lost a bit over 100 pounds when I realized, while I wasn't afraid to die I thought I had nothing else to lose to before I checked out I was going to try to transition.
I lost everything before I reached that point, I told my (now) ex-wife and she then told EVERYBODY. I had nothing, I lost my home, my marriage, my kids, all of my friends and family.. I had maybe 4 people out of hundreds decide to stay in my life.. Again nothing to loose so I found a therapist, and while it took forever I eventually got on hormones.
Now I'm still 6ft tall, still built like a linebacker, with a receding hairline, but I live as Rebecca in all areas of my life and I am no longer Robert.. I forced myself out, and begin helping others who were where I was at(or trying to). From helping people I started to make peace with myself, I know I'll never 'pass' as a cis-woman and I really no longer care to.
I know its hard and sometimes seems like you're at a snails pace... I promise you though, every step, no matter how small, is closer to the 'finish line'. Just please keep making steps Michelle I beg of you...
I've lost friends, and even my step-sisters son (who had come out as trans a year before) to suicide... I know I might be a hypocrite since I myself have attempted, but when you do that you give all your chances of ever finding peace away. Forever...
Please please PLEASE, don't stop trying...
Wishing you prayers, thoughts and sending as much good energy your way.
Rebecca
I know I’m weird. The fact that I’m trans is probably one of the more normal things about me.
sweetie, I am not passing either
but I am surviving, and so can you.
huggles.
I've lived with a chronic depressive for 27 years now
And is on social security disability because of it, for the last 24 years.
Trust me when I say: Get your meds under control, These spells will always pass.
There is no way you could've passed college if you were that constantly disabled. From your postings I wonder if you might have some bi-polar tendencies. GO. SEE. A. PSYCHO-PHARMACOLOGIST/PSYCHIATRIST. NOW.
You. Are. Loved.
I feel your pain and agony through your words. I get just how alone, how frustrated, how hopeless you feel. Those feelings may be real in this moment, but they aren't permanent. Were it in my power to take your pain away I would do so in an instant. You are loved and accepted by many in this world. Please, do what you must to get help and work through the depression. Reach out and good people will respond positively. If you can find the strength to allow yourself to feel the love and energy that others are offering you in support, please do so.