Firstly
I have a therapist who I just emailed and I'm going to try a hotline if I am still like this in the morning and it makes a full week of me feeling this bad. I don't think I have ever been this far gone even though I have said that before. However I have never started making a good bye list before and thinking about what I would say to the people on that list.

Since last Saturday something broke inside of me and apparently it was a dam holding back a bunch of repressed memories. The majority of these are more or less about interactions with my mom and everyone I remember is crushing me further. They are about every single time i tried to come out to my mom when was younger and was either blown off or verbally abused. They include all of the times she said something about my gender identity, aka you would make an ugly girl and it reduced me to tears.

I'm remembering all the times I tried to get her to tell me what would have been my had I been born a girl or did she wish she had a daughter and it was either brushed off or just no even when I would become persistent asking for the answer. Other things include when she made giving me a buzz cut a condition of getting my laptop back after paid to get it fixed. I told her I didn't want it back then and eventually she made me do it anyway and I asked her about it recently and she still doesn't think she did anything wrong.

They sent me back and compounding the buzz cut was the fact my voice had started to change and facial hair and my depression hit me so hard. I started getting help but by then my grades had started slipping and then I had a bad quarter. So they pulled home and took me away from the support I had found and I was getting better, I just shut down for at least 6 months.

When she caught me playing in her makeup and/or clothes these were separate times, she would get spitting mad and start screaming and verbally abusing me, she is scary when she is like that. Saying things like if you want to be a girl I'll put you in a dress and take you outside implying clothes were everything, even if this was along the lines I wanted, being screamed at didn't help. I'm pretty sure that if we could have had that conversation without her screaming things would have turned out differently. This particular example happened a great deal.

All the times I asked her about my growing longer hair, her response was a brush off, no and that was it. When I did longer hair and I asked her to show me ways to style it her response was if I didn't know how then she should cut it off. Everytime we went to my grandmothers I would go into her closet and put on her shoes and walk around in then as well as looking at the rest of the stuff in her closet. I also kept asking if I could borrow some of her jewelery when she wasn't using it and her response was always an angry no.

Everytime I tried to open up to my mother she either missed the signs, yelled at me, or blew me off. The above are just some of the more prominent examples and apparently I repressed most of these memories. They are coming back fast and every one just ads to my bitterness of all the times my mom let me down when it mattered most. I'm trying not to let it turn to hatred, but I can't help feeling that if my mom hadn't been so dense and angry things would be different. Every new remembered memory of my mom letting is shredding what I have left of my sanity and it is crushing me in despair.