Looking for a new Andrej. Part 3 of 3
Avril in public

How does Avril cope in the clutches of the Fashion World ? Can Mike keep dressing up only as role-play? How tempted is he?

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In the morning, Mum got us up early for an update on Project Avril Nigaud. “I’m sorry to get you up early but if you’re not up-to-date and helping us keep control then things could get out of hand. This would cause or very likely cause immense difficulties for Mike.”

“A few things to make clear. I’m not comfortable with some of this. But money is tight these days and the amount of debt that students build up is just wrong. The majority of current MPs had grants and advantages far in excess of what they are denying their own children and grandchildren. Sorry, rant #43 – don’t get me started on government hypocrisy.”

“But they employ you.”

“Yes, but that’s for another time. Now is about this Project Avril Nigaud. I’ve done my research into both this Andrej-Andrea Pejic person and the whole modelling world. Your draft, Mike, was a good introduction, well done.”

“I have also talked with Dad. He’s a little confused – as indeed am I. Like any parent for the sake of avoiding being different, we’d prefer our children to be mildly normal because, like it or not, too many people lie about their tolerance levels. They hate ‘difference’ when it’s not according to their prejudices. Bluntly, in my opinion, being gay is an ordeal. Being trans is a nastier ordeal. Not having had either situation occur near us, we are confident we would cope. But we’d have to adjust how we look at things. One really ugly sentence from a blog hit me ‘would you prefer a happy live child facing problems or a dead child who had given up’. There’s no choice if the parent is sane.”

“You do have a resemblance to Andrej, yes. I’m rather confused about the naming rules when someone changes like that. But, to my mind fortunately, you do not have the same early-years interest in androgyny – which has for him-her now come out more completely as actual dysphoria and a willingness to change his apparent gender. As far as I am aware, you have never expressed any interest in being a girl, looking like a girl, behaving as a girl or had any questions about your boyness.”

“I am aware that you have played dress-up a few times, never as successfully or as thoroughly as this weekend, but you’re a young lad with two sisters so it’s not too surprising. There are occasions when having to play indoors just leads to unusual outcomes – like dressing up. But then they’ve joined you much more often in games, doing things outdoors and doing tomboy-type stuff and I’ve never had an issue about that either.“

“I am amazed and startled by how very feminine you look in these photographs. With this slightly weird demand by the fashion world for models who show less and less curve and femaleness, getting breastless skinny boys into dresses has to be a depressingly logical step. But the fashion world is not real life for the majority. It’s a pressure cooker arena with its own temporary rules. And don’t get me started on why they have to look so glum all the time. It seems the only ones who smile are in toothpaste adverts. Strange.”

“Several things drive my decision. Some for, some against. One ‘for’ has to be the money. One ‘against’ is we’re not doing it just for the money. Second is my confidence that you can do this for a while and still maintain your certainty as a boy. Third, you are intelligent but your schoolwork is not to be diminished in any way. Another ‘against’ is the whole strangeness of the fashion industry. There’s other reasons and factors too, of course.”

“For all the purposes of this project, you will be Michael Russell performing as Avril Nigaud. We’re not going to pretend that you’re a girl. You’re a boy who has been offered a job due to a wildly successful April Fool. I’d like it if you could do some more aggressively and visibly boy things to counter any suggestions of prejudice and the like.”

“I’m well aware that the world is not black and white and strictly segregated as regards sexuality or gender. But the huge majority of this world is very nasty and very vicious about anything that threatens their nicely boxed lives. Very few except those who are immersed in their own difference accept gays, lesbians, bisexuals or any of the sexual variation from fetish to whatever goes on behind closed doors. And Transexuals break the behind-closed-doors rule because their activities are in public. Most people will accept anything that goes on out of sight and out of mind because they can pretend it’s not happening and it’s not a threat.”

“I’ve lost count of the times people I know have said, willingly and openly and apparently meaning everything they are saying, that they are happy with or don’t fuss about anybody being homosexual. But they’ll wince when a man refers to ‘their husband’; they’ll wince when a man kisses a man in front of them; they’ll probably twitch when a man holds hands with another man. That’s not really full acceptance. But that’s their issue and they need to become a bit more flexible. The biggest encouragement to change is when someone you already know and like forces you to address these issues. Like here and now – with you.”

“But that’s general, and for you we have to be specific. I am well aware – since Mums know everything – that you are concerned about slow or delayed puberty, but I am not worried. I am mildly concerned, and have steps ready to be taken when you are ready, but that’s separate. We can talk about it later now it’s been mentioned or in a few days time. I say in a few days time, because I have booked an appointment about that issue, okay.”

“However, I’m certain and I think you’re certain that you’re a boy. I doubt you would be expressing concerns about puberty in the way you have if you weren’t sure about being a boy. It may upset you but I’ve already spoken with people about this and they have expressed no concern about you hiding, even from yourself, a desire to alter your forthcoming boy-type puberty. Which might be an issue during this project as you will immensely pressured to adopt a girly manner and behaviour.”

“What?”

“Hush, hush, dear. That’s for later. This is now. Key to what happens is how you deal with this at school. My preference is not to lie as lies almost always boomerang and bite you twenty times worse when you don’t want it and don’t need it. Not being informative is mostly a delaying tactic. The truth does come out, almost always anyway.”

“My suggestion is that you don’t deny anything at school if the subject arises. There are not that many who already know but you’ll have to see if anyone makes a fuss today. I would minimise it completely. It was an April Fool and as far as you know it’s over, yes. None of your male friends are going to need much more than that to ignore it. Your female friends are more likely to know about Andrej Pejic and they may pick up on Avril’s existence. Whether they connect the dots won’t be likely today and the thing may drift away schoolwise.”

“In the medium-term, if this does go ahead beyond mere talking, then Avril will indeed have a sort of existence. There will be pictures, articles and interest far beyond the casual. We need to plan for this NOW rather than wait and see just in case.”

“Now, if anyone does today accuse you of being a queer, sissy or any of the words that can be used, my suggestion is to say something like ‘don’t be silly, it was a great piece of theatre’. You can embellish, only if you have to with ‘it was my sister’s idea, it was a bit of a laugh, it felt really weird y’know’ and phrases of that sort. I really would encourage you to downplay and minimise. And I’d actually avoid strange, weird and anything that might label you as ‘too different’. Stereotyping and prejudice can be a bummer to get past. I mean, look at me, I was massively prejudiced against your Dad.”

“What. Why?”

“His name was Jeremy – and at school there was not one, not two, but three Jeremys. One was a ghastly vicious bully, one stank with BO, and the third was an arrogant piece of stuff with a mansion in the country don’t y’know. Horrible. I nearly walked away when your Dad said his name. Now that’s a specific example of non-logical stereotyping and prejudice. I didn't like it even though I could feel myself doing it and thinking it . I wonder why that story didn't come up last year when you were doing the Tolerance work.”

“Anyway, outside school, there is no issue until and only if these booker people do come up with assignments and contracts and options which are worthwhile. And I mean this both in terms of money coming in and effort being required. This will be your first major contact with the outside world and the pressures that can be exerted. It will require time, effort, energy and willingness and perhaps money being spent that you have never before had to expend.”

“It might need us to spend money?” I said

“Quite possibly, dear, but don’t interrupt – just make a note. I’ve spent a lot of time last night and this morning putting this all together, I’m a little tired. So – what decisions have I made?”

“As of now, and this may change within 24 hours, I have agreed that the 20 picture portfolio can be sent to the two bookers that Kathy knows well. If nothing happens, then nothing happens and I can get some sleep and it will all likely fade away. If there is interest, signified by actual promises that I can believe in and the imminent promise of coloured bits of paper, then I will make further decisions with your and our best interest at heart. You will not be objectified, mistreated, bullied or manipulated while I have anything to do with it. The fashion monster eats people – it will not have you and spit the bones out like it can do.”

“Modelling is a transient poorly-paying job for almost all candidates. Because of these strange circumstances, it may be that you can short-circuit the process. That is what we may find out in the next few hours.”

“Now, off to school, you two. Deny and slide off as many comments as come your way. And that applies to all three of you. Update Sandy as soon as you can. Remember the line about it ‘just being a bit of theatre, a bit of a laugh’. Alice, you’re at college for whatever few hours they demand today – try to keep a low profile and listen rather than comment. Go.

“Coo, that was a bit heavy for first thing on a Monday morning.”

“Yes, but it seems much more in control than before. Yesterday was weird even for a weird day.”

School was pretty much as Mum predicted.

Mel, Sandy and I met up at lunch. To my surprise, Charlie waved us over to his table. “How is the French cousin today?” Fortunately, the rest of the team was gone and the table was empty.

“Ah ahm joost fahn." And I flicked my hair as I had been taught. We all smiled "Doing just fine thanks. I just need to keep the drama teacher from finding out. Alice said I was a bit too successful and made her feel she needed to try harder at dressing up for parties! But as a one-off, it was a bit of a laugh.”

“Very successful too, chum. And no way is that Avril the same age as you. Excellent as one might say. But also tell Alice she’s already gorgeous and a boy two years younger says so.”

We all laughed and the issue seemed to slide away while we talked about forthcoming exams and how we were revising. This was going to be a useful topic for days and weeks.

Melanie told me that she had had one girl see us disappear into the back room at the shop and had wondered what was going on. She had invented that Kathy was an old friend and had needed us to do some sorting out in the back as she was short of staff. The girl had looked slightly puzzled but seemed to accept the answer.

When we got home, it was Alice who had been pestered most. She had had far too many comments about her pretty ‘sister’ and how much they were amazed to find out it was me. She kept on with the April Fool answer and she thought it would fade away. One girl had made a comment about what a career I might have as a model – but she herself wanted to be a model and knew a lot about how things worked. Her name was Francesca and Alice was going to keep an eye on her.

Mum came back half an hour later, with Kathy. After the various hellos were done, “Right, is dinner ready and do we update each other before, after or during?”

This was Mum in full ‘let’s-get-on-with-it’ mode. It can be a bit intimidating. She does it at work too, apparently.

“School went okay. Nobody got at me because of the party. To be fair, there was more a ‘you’re okay’ than anything else. Melanie didn’t have anybody making comments as far as I know.”

Alice said there might be some problem with Francesca if and when the story got about and if she linked it at all to the new-Pejic thing.

Mum said, “I took some time off this afternoon because the bookers were willing to come to me, which I felt was quite an indicator. They liked the photos. In fact they were enthusiastic – whatever that means in fashion-world versus reality. They know that you’re a boy of 15. They were a little surprised but I pointed out certain legal issues if they let out any improper information. So I am confident that we’re all talking the same language. They want you on Saturday for most of the day to take more photographs. If you can manage Thursday evening for about 2 hours then they may be able to make Saturday into an assignment – which means income. They think they can promise you about £1,000 for the day which sounds far in excess of the usual rate. They must think there’s something there which is worth their while.”

“So, big question – are you willing to do some live theatre – that’s how I’m going to be describing it each time. Do you have any problem with that. You understand why I’m saying it that way?”

I nodded, and smiled too.

“I will be there all the time and if any of the others want to come they can do so. They might as well learn something about how tedious and boring a real-life job can be.” She smiled at something. “By the way, life can be boring at times. A trick is to let the bad times slide and embrace the good times.”

“I can do Thursday of it means making a £1000 on Saturday. I’m pretty well up with my revision and there’s no exam on Friday. Do you know what they’ll be doing on Thursday?”

Kathy spoke up “If you truly can spare Thursday – I hope you don’t want me to check about Friday – there’ll be more portfolio-type shots but there’ll be a team to get you dressed and hair and so on – it’ll go much faster than Sunday and it should be pretty straightforward. Saturday is going to be a much bigger affair. They’ll want you for a proper shoot – with outfits for the summer season even though April is a bit late really.”

“This is a magazine shoot – if I hadn’t done my homework I’d be expecting much more than that!.”

“The fee may increase actually if you do well on Thursday. If they can be persuaded to give you any sort of splash, sorry major mention within the article, then that’ll be worth more to you and them.”

“So, have we got the beginning of a forecast of the best outcome for Project Avril Nigaud. Obviously the worst is some effort by me and no significant money and a poor reaction at school. What’s on offer?”

“Both agencies are carefully talking to clients. Both agencies are taking a slightly lower rate because by good fortune we’ve already got the beginning of a name and reputation to offer. My forecast is that if you get £3,000 by the end of the month then there is a fair likelihood of takeoff into perhaps double that per month until your star fades. For too many that can be as short as this season and next – say six months. I am not in the business of making promises. But I can also offer you the web-site with two other local girls for all my adverts and I’m linked with about 10 other shops who share most of my range. As the web-boss for our group, I can offer you say another £1,000 for that plus a click on each page for 1% of the clothes you model that get bought online.”

“How much work would that take?”

“Probably 20 hours, if it’s as much as last year. We can use the promo shots we’ve taken already. And it would therefore take 7 to 8 evenings or 2 long days at a weekend.”

“That sounds like quite a good rate.”

“Well, Erica pretty much knows how to work with you. You’re quite amenable to direction and you don’t waste time like so many girls. Having help with hair and makeup would cost but would speed things up.”

“Who pays for hair and makeup assistance.” Melanie asked.

“Sometimes the buyer, sometimes you, sometimes other girls help each other. Does your Mum do makeup or hair?”

“Don’t be silly. Well, no, not as far as I know.” I said.

“Thanks, sweetie. If you’d kept your eyes open you’d know that I am sufficiently competent and I have helped both your sisters with hair and with makeup and with advice on dressing, deportment, style and so on. I didn’t attend for a year at classes in all those ultra-feminine activities not to be able to pass on my lessons.”

“You had lessons in GirlyPlus-200?” said Alice.

“Yep.”

“Ha, I bet they told you never to say ‘yep’.”

“Thou art a young and untrained maiden, yet there is truth in what you say.”

“Gee, thanks, ancient one.”

“Don’t push it, penniless damsel, reliant as thou art on the bounty of thy elders. In the meantime, we have food to eat. Documents to prepare and sign. Timetables to be made as to how we fit all these new things in. And, lucky Avril is going to the salon with me to see what we can arrange in a properly ambiguous way so that Avril is available and yet it is only Michael at school.”

“You’d all better read this article that we’ve drafted. It’s aimed to talk separately about Avril and Mike and at the same time to say that Mike is real and Avril is a performance based on the April Fool success. That’s the emphasis – a performance. We’ve discussed how we can counter-emphasise the solidity of Mike as the underlying character. One way you could do it is to become well known for man-sitting as Avril, that is to say, off-camera and only when you have a suitably long skirt, dress or whatever. We don’t need your actual whatevers to ever be visible whatever you’re doing.”

“Sometimes, I do wish the family didn’t enjoy wordplay as much as they do.”

“Ha, if we didn’t we would never have come up with Avril Nigaud. But man-sitting will neatly ensure that you’re only performing as a girl. And if you do some activity than can be labelled macho that’d help too. Perhaps you’d like to go cliff-climbing or whatever with Uncle Clive?”

“Oooh, but I’d have to be careful not to chip my nails.”

“Wrong answer dear. If you’re only acting as a girl then the makeup folk can fix your nails. You’d only care about your nails if they mattered to you. Although if they pay enough, then having good nails might matter a bit. For today, let’s wait and see.”

What was dad contributing during all this. Since he was away he left all the decisions to Mum. They trusted each other completely. He did want to be kept in the loop about everything that was happening and he set up links to whatever magazines and sites I was appearing on. A bit like a web-scrapbook really.

The way I’ve written the story makes it sound like he had little involvement with us. But that’s not true. But mostly, during the whole of Project Avril he was away and only available with Skype and the like. By the time he was back for Christmas, we could see that the whole thing was slowing down. By hindsight this was in part a deliberate action by Mum and him to start refusing jobs because school was becoming more important.

Their assessment was that I hadn’t been doing as well as necessary linking with the school on-line. They weren’t certain whether this was the teachers doing it differently, the timing being tricky or me just not working so well out of touch with my schoolmates – all they knew was that my work was beginning to slip and that was not good enough. So less Avril work and more Mike work was what happened.

Like most models, I got the offer of clothes on quite a lot of occasions. Some I had to keep so that on the few events where Avril had to show up – I had something to wear. Otherwise, Alice, Melanie and Sandy got almost all of it. They were all very grateful. Mum got some. Mum got asked a few times to model as well which embarrassed her enormously. But by then she knew what was happening and how to perform – she looked pretty good to my eye. And she did agree that taking part was more fun than sitting and watching.

I learnt a lot about girls during the year. And everyone said that I grew up very quickly. Part of that was having to spend so much time with adults intent on their own ends. You have to think fast and keep your balance at such times. Mum’s advice was invaluable but time after time, it was Sandy who kept me in control.

Kathy was right. My stint as a model didn’t last that long. I did my last assignment about 14 months after that April party. I had had a pretty exciting and exhausting time. The overall net profit as recorded in Justin Case Ltd’s books came out at about £64,000 which was going to cover a huge amount of
University loans. By agreement, it was shared out so that it wasn’t all for me.

I got half of it set aside into my University fund. Alice, Melanie, Mum and Dad got £2,000 each as a present; while I got another £5,000. The remaining money was used to have two fantastic holidays as my work had got in the way of anything except short-breaks for all those months. In addition to that, we reckoned that we had probably another £10,000 at least in clothes for Mum, Alice, Mel – and Avril.
Clothes for Avril were because I was expected to be in public as a walking talking advert for whatever clothes or accessory company was paying me. I even had all the other feminine items as well. Shoes weren’t a problem although I never liked heels more than 2 inches, but having to wear ‘the new teenage perfume’ was a bit tricky at school and as for the underwear endorsements – that was taking role-play to what Mike thought was to excess. But you need the right undies under pretty clothes so there wasn’t much choice.

To be clear about it, Avril had a bigger wardrobe than most real girls by the end of it. But within a few months of stopping, they were all no use – and hadn’t been worn anyway, becausfe a reasonable growth spurt had occurred.

The shareout took quite a lot of talking but the basics had been agreed in advance. As Mum often quoted about government schemes and payouts ‘If there is no money – then there’s nothing to argue about; if there’s lots of money then there’s enough for everyone; if there’s only some money then it can get very nasty.’

As far as we were concerned, once it got above about £20,000 then everybody was going to get something and we were all going to be happy. Mum and Dad were quite firm about avoiding greed. But then their general philosophy was the avoidance of the 7 Deadlies and all the Vile Symptoms. [ If you need a reminder - Sloth, Lust, Anger, Greed, Jealousy, Envy, Pride (SLAGJEP); Theft, Adultery, Coveting, Cruelty; Abuse and all the others are merely symptoms.]

They’re not keen on the Christianity taught in churches. They showed us just three rather large difficulties with the Bible and said what ‘we would like is for you to have a good solid moral code. This may well be based on parts of the Bible as you can hardly argue with thou shalt not steal or kill. But we’d really prefer for you to build your own code. On a day to day basis there’s not much better than ‘Do as You would be Done by’.

Their first examples were - in the first few verses, Man is created after the animals – and a few verses later the Man comes before the animals. Roman records show that if the Gospels are true then Christ was born before 4BC and also after 6AD. Finally, the idea of the Trinity, of Heaven versus Hell do not exist in the Bible. So – while the Bible may be a good document as a vague guide to Jewish history as written by themselves; also as a guide to how to run a nomadic tribe in 3000 BC and as a list of allegedly prophetic babblings – it is not wholly, let alone holy, relevant to 21st century westerners.

Like Mum, I like putting my thoughts down on paper.

But that’s how my life went from the age of 15 to 16 and a bit. Not the usual, you’d agree. I calculated that I spent not quite 1,500 hours wearing dresses, skirts, and even underwear. What I learnt was that girl’s clothes are much much softer and more interesting than what boys get. But being blunt, clothes were and continued to be of little interest to me.

I’m a bit mixed up about the Avril Project. It was fun, and it was hard work and it earned money. But I had to work really hard to keep focussed on it being a role-play and to avoid being sucked into the whole world of feminine that I was experiencing so often.

Because it seemed that every day I had to be aware of girl-ness in myself and in those near me. And I had to concentrate on retaining the boy-ness I had grown up with.

If YOU were completely satisfied with being a mid-average boy-type person and then you had to wear dresses, underwear, breastforms, lipstick, makeup, perfume and everything girl and you were surrounded by people encouraging you to think girl-thoughts and pretend to be as girl as possible and just be girly. How hard would you be able to resist?

Well, I tried. I tried really hard. But sometimes I got used to it. I, Mikey the Man, - oh don’t be silly I never ever was ‘Mikey the Man’. I, Mike, got used to being Avril and wearing pretty clothes, smelling all flowery and sweet, the slick of lipstick on my lips. There were plenty of time I was really enjoying myself as a girl doing girl things. I got to enjoy the materials, the enormous variety of colour – there’s a lot to enjoy if you’re not wearing shades of beige. That was what one designed said about men’s clothes.

There were some big difficulties. Even though enough people thought I was, let’s say, vague about my gender, my preference was to say nothing as often as possible. I didn’t deny and I tried not to lie. I knew I was a boy interested in boy things and aiming, if ever the chance arose, to do specific and particular boy things with some of the girls I was meeting. Since my selling point was the Pejic-like androgyny I had to play up to that for some events and features. But I tried to build on the role-play and April Fool format. Mentioning the translation of my model-name as being April Fool helped with that.

But I had to wear a dancer’s belt, a gaff. Ouch and squeeze. This helped keep me sensible the first few times I was surrounded by girls getting changed into different costumes as fast as was possible. I saw breasts, bottoms, the occasional glimpse of pubic hair, and perhaps a glimpse of something other if my eyes weren’t wanting to see more than was visible. But you get used to that after a while. That was a thing that worried me – when I began not to notice curves because it was just ‘a girl’ – I wanted to stay a boy which meant, to me, being aware of girls and their bodies at all times.

I never quite got to thinking I was ‘one of the girls’. I never quite said ‘the other girls were doing this’. No that’s a lie. I might have SAID ‘the other girls were asked to whatever’ but I never really meant to put myself into the girl box even though it might sound that way when I was talking.

I got to have a lot of fun being Avril. And there were times, especially after a several day shoot, that all the models would go off and have a major-level relax. And if it was just a group of girls (and me) we’d do girl-type things. Spa, Salon, Disco – and we went as a group of girls. And we did and behaved as girls.
So I did my best at times like that to be ‘one of the girls’. And often those times were fun.

I think that I kept my boy brain in line by telling myself often that I was taking a role; it was a special bit of theatre, I was a boy playing the part of a girl called Avril. To my surprise, it was Melanie who helped most. We’ve spoken since and she says her constant reference to me as ‘Mikey in a dress’ was actually her being jealous and nasty. But after Mum ripped her apart for being so nasty, Mel learned to be more cautious. But I took ‘Mikey in a dress’ as a major encouragement that that was the exact truth. I was Mikey in a dress and when the dress came off – lo and behold, hold ‘em below – I was Michael as normal.

One phrase that Mum came up with if anyone accused me of being girly, or sissy or a poof or whatever was to say ‘It’s no more than playing a role, actually it’s a great role because they pay me to do it’. On some occasions, I added ‘Some of the time it’s hard work – but there’s a real bonus in that I get to work and even go out for the evening with a really great bunch of pretty girls. I’ve learnt more about girls, how to listen, how to talk to them than anyone else I can think of. It’s all good.’

Eventually most of the girls I worked with knew that I was an Andrej-type model, androgynous and able to look a bit boy and a bit girl as required. And this was before Andrej actually signed up for the SRS surgery and turned out to be more girl than anyone had first thought. Personally I wondered if the constant exposure and probable pressure to take the girl route had got to him, her, Andrea.

Clearly both Mum and Dad had concerns about Michael and Avril. I went to a counsellor quite a few times to give me guidance as to the tricky path I was on.

I remember some of what he said. He was very blunt.

“Fortunately, the medical profession in all its various forms has been in agreement for some years that gender is no longer absolutely male versus female. The real world is years behind whatever the lawmakers pretend.”

“As far as I can tell you are a bit special. Not as far as unusual – but different from the average boy with gender dysphoria.”

“Is that what I’ve got.”

“No.”

“So.”

“What you do have is a physique that displays vaguely girl and simultaneously vaguely boy. You’re not intersexed. You’re simply androgynous. This is hugely a physical presentation with little or no certainty that your brain and soul will feel a lean in either direction.”

“I’ve been looking things up.”

“Well, of course you have. Who wouldn’t these days. And some of what you read sounds stupid, some sounds irrelevant, some hits the spot and some sounds just wrong. Would that be fair?”

“Too right Bruce.”

“I’ll give you some jargon. My version. There will be some who quibble about details. There’ll be others who would hate what I say and the way I say it. And there’s no quality data to back up much of it either. Every minority group and every offshoot with its own particular emphasis will exaggerate to try to make their views heard. From a third party view, some of it is ridiculous.”

“Words – Transvestite, Transsexual, Transgender, Cross-dresser, Drag, Drab, Cis, Fluid, Intersex, Questioning and there’s more. Like any community there are words which mean special things. So - Cisgender: ‘I'm okay with my gender I was assigned and born with’. Transvestite: ‘I enjoy wearing the opposite gender’s costume; I do not feel I am the wrong gender’. Transgender: ‘I need to behave, express and act according to my inner self which does not match my allocated birth gender’. Transexual: ‘I feel that the gender I was allocated when born does not match my true gender’; therefore I feel as though I need to surgeries performed to make me match, look, and feel better about the gender I believe I am.’ To a degree, transexual is more, not quite the right word, determined or perhaps necessary than someone who is transgender.”

“Personally, I feel that the syllable ‘sex’ is really unhelpful as regards what has nothing to do with sexual preference. Intersex: ‘I have both female and male parts. This can be difficult for me in deciding a specific gender.’ Sadly, too many intersex children have their visible gender decided for them by parents or medics – if they get it wrong it can be a bloody disaster.”

“There’s many more words and, for now, you don’t need them. This is our fourth or is it fifth session. I can tell you that how you presented at our first meeting and what you say and do know has barely altered. That means, to me, that you’re pretty solid in your inner self. And that what’s happening to you is not screwing you up. Which is good. Although I make a great deal of money from screwed up people.”

“But even the people who are TG or TS can get into arguments about the exact meaning of their difference and how others should behave. Suffering intolerance very rarely makes the victim more tolerant.”

“Your parents are not stupid. And they care enormously about you. They’ve seen the stories and the stats. Too many kids with dysphoria harm themselves. And I think you do not have dysphoria in any way. Well, not significantly. You have the androgyny to deal with and the delayed puberty – but I see no actual dissatisfaction with your body or any desire to change. So, I can tell you that and because they are paying me I will give them the gist of this summary. Due to the doctor-patient thing I can’t tell them more than generalities unless you give permission. Do you give permission.”

“Just to recap on the dysphoria label. Among the key indicators, most authors suggest the following – and as far as I can tell, you tick none of the boxes. Disgust at your genitalia, social isolation from their peers, anxiety, loneliness and depression. I have seen and heard nothing to indicate that Michael is anxious, lonely or depressed. Mildly concerned about delayed puberty, but that’s rather separate. And there’s nothing to suggest that Avril is ‘better’ than Michael as regards loneliness or depression and so on. You’re okay, young person. See how carefully I avoid a label at this point. So I can tell your parents you’re not in a mess.”

“Oh yes. I’m quite happy for them to know I’m not screwed up.”

We smiled at each other.

“There are statistics but it’s so hard to have confidence in them. And I can never forget that the LGB brigade has actually almost nothing to do with the TI folk. There is little doubt that there are many more heterosexuals than homosexuals, that there are many more homosexuals than gender-variant. I would go with there’s 5 to 10% of people who are wholly or often homosexual. And there may be 3% who cross-dress, 1% who are transgender or transsexual and, from what I’ve read, actually the intersex percentage is in excess of 1%. You do the sums and see who shouts loudest and whether some of these minorities should have as much influence as they get.”

In the USA, there’s over 300 million people. In each age-year there’s about 4 million. Apparently, 400,000 mid-teen kids are kicked out of their homes each year for being gay or otherwise ‘unsuitable’ – which has to include trans-kids in one or other box. In New York, the average age for a trans-kid to be kicked out is just 13. Just think about it, they’re experiencing puberty and not coping with it and they lose their homes, friends and families. It’s got to be so wrong. Be grateful that you have immense support, sufficient resources to access professional support, that’s me by the way. And your core is solid.”

“I think, at the most complicated, you may, and I repeat may, be interested in cross-dressing but this is mostly because you are so good at it and you are being praised for it. This is a step on a path. Listen to my wording – not several steps – not THE path - just a step on one possible path. I also think that it is going to be completely your choice. You’ve possibly been taught at school that everyone is a mix of nature versus nurture. That’s very true. Your current nature is slightly flexible but your nurture is solid. Another concept to bear in mind is that people are rather obviously the sum of all the groups they belong to. Since you currently inhabit a world filled with pretty girls who are mostly treated as clothes-horses then you’ll be absorbing some of their ideas and values. That’s why you need to be talking to me now and again. I’d very strongly recommend that you talk over what we’ve talked about here with your Mum or your Dad or both.”

Get out of here and have a good time until I see you again.”

“Thanks, psychoquack.” He’d offered me this nickname when we first met. He said, it was a quick way to break down some of the barriers.

I was, of course, a bit younger than many of the models so my mum was with me quite a bit of the time, or else Alice. I don’t know how easily I would have coped on my own.

Melanie was actually really helpful even if that wasn’t her intention. She kept on talking about me as ‘Mikey in a dress’. And this was a real help in keeping my sweetly intoxicated brain on the boy path. I can promise you, being surrounded by girliness so much and so often was a difficulty.

There were times when I did wonder how it would end. There were times I thought hard about being a girl full time or even being a more real girl. But the idea of cutting off my penis never hooked me. I liked my penis however average it was. I liked the idea of doing things with girls – even with some of the girls I was undressing with. In case you hadn’t noticed, most boys love the idea of doing something with girls. So, as far as I was concerned, I was definitely a boy. And the reverse of cutting the penis, no I didn’t want breasts either. There were times that I had what looked like breasts but that was push-up bras and sometimes a filler. But even when the other models talked about it, no no. I talked to Alice about it.

She was pretty blunt. “Bro, if you had any significant girl tendencies beyond the ability to look astonishingly girly when you are needed to, then I might be worried. Nothing, well almost nothing, that has happened to you or that you’ve talked about suggests that you are thinking about going any further. You’re surrounded by gorgeous girls and it’s impossible for even me not to glance and compare. But that’s not being lesbian. For me, it’s more about lack of confidence.”

“You. Lacking confidence.”

“What you see is not what there is. Of course, I’m not arrogant enough to think every bit of me is fantastic. So I compare. Pleasingly, I’m better than some and obviously worse than others. Body-wise, brain-wise, socially, academically, there’s good and bad. That’s enough about me. But you need to know that every girl and every boy will shine when they are given approval and appreciation. It’s the quickest way to anyone’s heart.”

There was a pause. And I could see Alice thinking. I could see the change in her posture as she came to a decision.

“I think you’re getting all confused in your head. I’m taking a risk here. You need a lesson and I’m giving it to you because I love you and want to help you get this ‘do I love girls’ or ‘do I love being a girl’ thing sorted. You need a lesson in how girls are. I said before that when we’re getting changed or looking at each other’s wardrobe getting naked in front of each other is a thing that we girls sometimes do with each other. And once in a while we go a bit further. Well, some of my friends do. TMI. But you need to know what girls are like. I don’t want you all screwed up. We got you into all this – so we have to keep you on the straight and narrow, keep you sane and so on. Here’s a lesson.”

Before I notice that she’s undoing her bra. I see her breasts. They’re not big, not small. They are so real.

“You can touch them – very gently – as if they were made of feathers. Boys always touch too hard!”

I can’t believe what’s happening. My hands are touching soft, warm, flexible, real breast.

“Feel them, weigh them. Stroke them.”

They are so heavy in my hands. They’re not actually that big I’m told later (34 C) but they’re so very real. I stroke them and my fingers touch her nipples. I manage to control myself and move my fingers away. I run my fingers back underneath and once again feel the heft and reality. My curled fingers graze her nipples – again more or less accidentally.

Alice groans quietly “Oooh, that’s not really what you should be doing, but it feels very very nice. I think you should stop that at once, move your fingers away and just holding them gently, for just a few seconds, then gradually stop.”

Alice was smiling with her eyes almost closed. “Oh, that was definitely not what was I was expecting. We shouldn’t do that again – but it may well have taught you more in a minute and a half than you’d ever get from watching a video or playing with yourself.” She giggles. “Not of course I know anything about you playing with yourself other than the gloopy crunchy stuff you leave in your pants once or twice, now and again – and much too often.”

I cringe. But then I smirk. “And how, when and why – exactly – do you know about that.”

“It’s not guesswork. I do the laundry more often than you. I’m not stupid. I don’t like it much but you’re a boy – and I’m a girl so we each have these things happen.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s just your ‘mones.”

“What moans?”

“Hormones, silly. I can promise I’ve never heard a thing. Er, not like me, I can get a bit loud when I’m excited.”

“Yukky, TMI, big-sis.”

“For today, you need to know how girls talk when we’re without any boys around. It can get quite spicy, even vulgar, well, crude actually.”

“And, by the way, this is never going to happen again. I’m not that sort of girl, you’re not that sort of boy, and we are not a screwed-up weird family. We look after each other, do the best for each other and keep each other safe.”

“So – I guess those were the first breasts you’ve touched, yes?”

“Oh yes, definitely. I’ve got near to Sandy a few times – but not like that. Not in daylight so to speak.”

“I did wonder. Some of those girls you work with look quite, er, friendly.”

“Yeah, but they’ve never, I mean, I’ve never ….”

“Oh sweetie, you’re as red as a beetroot. That tells me you’re telling the truth. Oh dearie me.”

“This is several steps beyond embarrassing. Sis.”

“But you’ve taken a big step. Now some questions. When you held my breasts did you think, ‘these are wonderful I want them on me’ or did you think ’these are wonderful I want to do this more often with other girls’?”

“Once I got past ‘oh my god I’m feeling up my sister’, I think I thought, mostly, these are wonderful. I think my brain was overloading. I’ll try to answer the other bit. No, I don’t need to think, I’m positive – I don’t want breasts of my own – I’m not a girl however often I’ve been dressing up. I know, I’ve said it often enough, it’s a piece of theatre. I know just saying it isn’t enough. But, no, I don’t want breasts. I do want to hold them, feel them, enjoy them and enjoy the girl they’re attached to. That’s what I want.”

“I’m glad of that. Whatever they say about tolerance – too many of the real people don’t do it. They hated before they were told not to and they’ll hate just as much afterwards. We’ve all looked at the stories and read stuff, but being different is deadly. I’m glad you’re like you are and your head is still screwed on straight. But I still have to say, when you’re all dressed up, you’re very pretty and I’m proud of you. It’s got to have been hard these last months.”

I did often enjoy being pretty. I really enjoyed the attention I got by being able to look pretty. But underneath, deep in my brain, I knew that Michael was waiting to surface and have a normal boy-girl relationship.

“You’re right. And to be coarse, it’s been hard. Held down in its gaff, getting excited is not good. But, I’m so grateful to you and your two firm friends,” I smirked, “yep, I’m a boy and I’m happy about that.”

I was never worried about my sexual preferences. My genitals were analysed, poked, spiked, pierced and generally subject to an examination which was far too much for a modern boy to cope with. But I knew every time, while I wasn’t dazzled by the wearing of frills and all that, that I was a boy intent on staying that way.

It was doing events in public while in Avril-costume that tested me most. Often I had to interact with people who only knew about the ‘new Andrej’. And on those occasions, if I was dressed as a girl then I was treated as a girl. So I was expected to do girl things, like dancing round our handbags, not listening about sport (unless the screen showed something we were all excited about.)

I’ve not talked much about school. Did I get hassled about my Avril work. Not nearly as much as I could have been. I think it was because I called it ‘working as Avril’ and kept on with the role-play angle. I did have to do a presentation or two. The most embarrassing one was to the local girl’s school on ‘Life as a model is Hard Work’. I was expected to come in full dress – and then at the end, do a quick change and come out as Mike. Oh, awful.

Well, actually the embarrassment was because I had a new girl, not quite a full girlfriend yet, and she was in the audience. She was aware of my work but had never seen me performing. And Emma loved it. She couldn’t get over how real I looked and at how much I knew about fashion and creating an outfit and – yes – all the girl stuff that I had accumulated in the last year. Until she made me realize how much I had picked up, I thought I had remained immune or at least vaccinated against ‘girl’.

I bet you’re wondering if I ever dressed up because I felt like it. I’ve said there were times I was tempted …….. and there were times when I had several events close together and it seemed too much bother to flip into boy for a few hours. I’m not sure the few hours count as ‘because I felt like it’. There were some times when Sandy or the Sisters persuaded me to hang out as Avril. Yes, there were about three times when I dressed up because I felt like it.

Each of the three times were towards the end. I never really worked out why I did it. Perhaps Emma's enthusiasm had something to do with it. A short time before, she had persuaded me to go out with her as Avril; and it had been fun just the two of us. Fortunately perhaps they were just before another session with Psychoquack and we talked it through. I can’t remember exactly what we talked about but I never got dressed again ‘because I felt like it’. Later I talked with Mum and Dad about it. They hadn’t really noticed that I had done it, but they said they were pleased I’d told them and actually even more pleased that I had gone back to the role-play way of looking at all of it.

I do admit that I’ve changed the pants I wear to much more expensive styles which are closer in feel and material to panties than ever before. Not with the lace and frills, that’s not necessary – but sleek and sheer does feel so much nicer. I’m more attentive to materials and colours than most boys but that’s not surprising either. I look after my hair and hands more than most – but after over a year of indoctrination, deliberate or otherwise, there’s got to be some slippage.

Sandy was still with me – but we were now friends rather than boy-girl-friends. But we had never broken our friendship – I think we will always be friends and we’re both very happy with that. Both Mum and Dad said that first best-friends are really important and they had failed to keep theirs.

Puberty has at last arrived, Sandy agreed that things seemed to be working because we had another sucker bet – and I won.

If you’re wondering why I never got to feel or fondle Sandy. Well, it just never happened that way. A few times, snuggled together I did have my arm across her shoulder and my fingers did feel the edge of her breasts – but that was as far as we went. You can’t understand the whys and wherefores of every action that did or didn’t occur. We were always much more friends than lovers.

I see no likelihood of wearing dresses again as my voice has broken and at the moment I’m not doing anything with any theatre group. Perhaps at University, where Avril’s efforts help me considerably to avoid the need to work at grubby and degrading jobs just to keep the debts at bay. Dad refuses to let any of us consider not working because that will set us apart from many of our fellow students. And being ‘different’ can be the same as saying ‘here’s a target’.

I did spend some sessions with Psychoquack, and we agreed that I had no dysphoric interest or proclivities. I was merely a boy with a temporary pre-pubertal androgynous appearance which allowed me to make some money. A useful amount of money- and all I had to do was wear dresses and stuff.

Being Avril was fun. I’m pretty confident that she’s gone – but I’m only 16 so what do I know.

Thanks Avril.