"You're a lazy sod Ceri," said Sion, chuckling. "Some of us are born to lead, others to follow," Ceri announced imperiously," hey what are you doing?" "I'm redistributing the wealth of the leader," said Meryl............ The Price to Pay - Vol. 1.10 - Conclusion by Alys

I felt the wind in my face as I cycled along the canal towpath. The first week of May meant that all around me new life was flourishing, from the flowers in the grass beside the cycle path to the myriad butterflies in the hedge rows. It was my first cycle ride since before going into hospital, over 3 months ago.

I passed a boat slowly chugging along the canal, the middle aged woman piloting the boat looked up as I passed, I raised my hand in greeting and she smiled and gave me a cheery wave back. It really felt like one of those days when you are just glad to be alive and after my appointment with the oncologist earlier in the day there was more reason for a smile on my lips and a sparkle in my eyes.

The text from Sion earlier had suggested meeting the gang in our usual coffee shop in Y Fenni. I had decided on a leisurely bike ride along the canal although as I pushed my bike through the gate to join the main road for the last few miles into town I was beginning to wonder if I had been a little over ambitious. I was beginning to seriously tire and was glad when I eventually reached the outskirts of the town.

"Hi Sion," I said to the taller figure of my friend who was wheeling his bike ahead of me. He stopped and turned.

"Hi Celyn, you made good time."

"Yes, but I'm feeling it now," I responded," I'm really looking forward to a Romero's luxury everything hot chocolate"

"Sounds good to me too," he said.

We locked our bikes outside our favourite place in Y Fenni and walked in the crowded café. The odour of freshly prepared hot drinks and warm pastries wafted over me. I looked around for a spare table.

"Skinny latte and bara brith*!," came a yell from the back of the room. I looked up to see Ceri grinning broadly from a table with the rest of the gang. Not having his lack of concern about attracting the disapproval of the rest of the customers I refrained from shouting back and gave him a thumbs up sign.

Romero's was generally a warm place and coupled with the heat of cycling in the balmy late spring I was soon sweating in my loose tracksuit. I felt my tight T-shirt getting moist while I waited to collect our food and drink orders from the counter.

" £2.50," I said to Ceri as I handed him his order, "but since it's you, a special price of  £5!"

He laughed and handed over the money.

"Anyway why didn't you get your own," I asked as I squeezed onto the sofa between him and Meryl.

"We," he said indicating himself, Meryl, Sian and Branwen, "didn't want to lose these seats, we kept them especially for you, aren't we kind?"

"Don't listen to him," interjected Meryl," he got here after us and he couldn't be bothered to go and get his own, he's spent the last ten minutes trying to persuade one of us to fetch him something"

"You're a lazy sod Ceri," said Sion, chuckling.

"Some of us are born to lead, others to follow," Ceri announced imperiously," hey what are you doing?"

"I'm redistributing the wealth of the leader," said Meryl as she broke Ceri's Bara Brith into smaller pieces for her, me and Sion, leaving a small portion behind for Ceri.

"I paid for that," said Ceri a little sulkily.

"Never mind," said Branwen, touching Ceri lightly on his shoulder, "look how your great wealth has brought a little joy to the lives of your followers"

"Yes thank you generous lord," I said in a mocking tone.

"Oh shut up the lot of you!"

We all laughed.

The banter continued for a while longer and my friends updated me on their news. I had seen Meryl and Sion quite often since I had been away from school but only seen the others a couple of times when they had called briefly at my house to see how I was. As they talked about the latest gossip in school I felt glad that it was going to be possible for me to come back after all. While we were chatting I felt Meryl's hand linger on my legs a few times and although it was a pleasant experience, as is human touch in general, it didn't make me feel anything, for which I was regretful.

"So when are you coming back?" asked Sian, as we seemed to be about to finish off in the café.

"After half term, last week of May," I replied," but only to do my GCSE's**. I'm thinking of college for my 'A' levels.***"

"Oh no, you have to do the sixth form in Cwm Wysg," said Meryl, lightly squeezing my leg, "why can't you stay in school?"

"Well it is over a year so maybe I will change my mind, but at the moment I am favouring college. There's a better choice of subjects"

I felt guilty at this slight distortion of the truth. Although there was a better choice of courses in college, the main reason for leaving in a year was the warning by Dr Thomas that it would be very hard to hide the changes after eighteen months of treatment. She had said that I should aim to be 'full-time' by the time I had left school.

"Who wants to go and see the new Nokia?" asked Ceri, as we were putting our used cups and plates on the tray to clear away. Everyone else murmered their approval to Ceri's idea.

"Sorry guys," I said, "I need to head back in a few minutes. It's going to take me a while to cycle home, I'm not as fit as I was"

I touched Meryl on the arm.

"Can you stay a little?" I asked.

She nodded and told the others she would catch them up in a while. As the gang made their cheerful, but noisy exit from Romero's, Meryl cuddled up to me. I put my arm around her shoulder.

"How did your visit to the oncologist go?" she asked after a little while.

"It's very good news" I replied.

"What?" she asked a little excitedly.

"My cancer is in complete remission" I replied.

"Does that mean you're not going to die?"

"Not soon anyway, Dr Williams said that I have a good chance of making it to five years and if I do that who knows what may happen"

"That's fantastic!", said Meryl as she pulled me towards her and kissed me passionately. I tried my best to respond to her actions but after a minute she pulled away and looked at me.

"You still don't feel anything do you?" she asked with the hint of a tear forming in her eye.

"I'm really sorry, Meryl. They said it was one of the side effects. I am trying my best but I can't do it. I'm so sorry" I looked down at the ground as I considered my inadequacy.

"Don't worry Celyn," said Meryl as she cuddled back into me, "we can give it time. Once you're back to your normal life, maybe it'll be better"

I paused for a while, thinking of how to put something into words.

"Listen Meryl, there is another thing, a different side effect" I said carefully.

"What is that, my sweet?" asked Meryl with concern in her voice.

"I am sterile"

"How?"

"It's the effect of the treatment," I answered vaguely," I can never have children with anyone"

"Oh that is terrible, poor you" said Meryl as she caressed my face.

"But there is something worse, listen Meryl I can't ever be with you"

"I don't understand?" she responded," what do you mean can't be with me, you are with me now"

"I can't have sex!" I blurted out almost in a whisper

"What?" she asked with anxiety in her voice.

"I have no sex drive, I don't feel attracted to anyone and I may never do"

"I don't understand, why are you telling me this? Oh...are you breaking up with me?"

I nodded my head. I felt tears welling up in my eyes.

"Why Celyn? What have I done?" she asked as two wet streaks appeared in her make up.

I took her hand and looked at her.

"I'm so sorry Meryl, it's not you, but how can we be together if I can never feel anything or be with you."

"I love you Celyn, please don't do this." Meryl said in a beseeching voice.

I looked away from and her and responded in a quiet voice.

"There's no other way Meryl, I am so sorry"

We both burst into tears as we sat there holding hands.

Eventually I stood up and walked out of the café.

I got on my bike and with one final wave at my former girlfriend still wiping the tears from her eyes, I rode off.

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*Bara Brith - literally 'Speckled Bread' is a fruity sweet bread.
** GCSE - exams taken at 15/16.
***A Levels - exams taken at 17/18