Mum's Encouragement Chapter 24

After about 5 minutes of lying against the front door sobbing and feeling totally miserable, I hauled myself off of the hallway floor and threw my handbag across the hall towards the stairs in a fit of temper. Even my attempt to throw the bag onto the stairs was a failure. I missed the bottom of the stairs by a few inches. I even threw like a girl!

It's not my handbag I thought. The contents aren't mine and I don't need one. I am a boy and should start acting as one, I angrily thought to myself as I looked in the large hallway mirror only to see my make up in disarray and my cheeks covered in tear stained mascara.

As I looked at myself in the mirror I automatically pulled down my tight skirt, which had indecently, rode up to mid thigh. My head was in turmoil as I half turned and looked in the mirror back over my shoulder to ensure that my skirt hem had fallen to a decent level.

What was I doing I thought. Am I insane? Why was I assessing myself? What does it matter where the hem of the skirt fell?

I looked in the mirror assessing the freak, which was me. I hated what I saw however couldn't help myself thinking that the girl looking back as me looked so sad yet so innocent and pretty. Who was she? Was she truly me?

Why was I so emotional? Why had I lost it with Martin? He was doing me a favour picking me up wasn't he? Why did I behave as I did?

Did he really say he loved me?

"Oh my god he said he loved me" I screamed aloud " He can't love me. It's wrong" I started crying again as I picked up the handbag and started to precariously make my way up the stairs on my thin heels.

As I got half way up the stairs I was startled when the doorbell rang. I stopped in my tracks and waited. The doorbell rang again followed by someone knocking on the door

"Jo are you there love" it was the voice of Aunt Julia

I didn't respond and froze on the spot hoping that Julia couldn't hear me

" Jo come on open the door. I know you are in there. Martin told me everything that happened. Do you want to talk honey"?

I just wanted for her to go away and leave me alone so stayed silent

" Come on Jo. I am not leaving. If I have to stay here knocking on this door all night until you open the door, I will"

"Martin said you were really upset. He is so worried about you. I am worried about you love. Please let me in. Let's have a chat"

"He is so sorry and wants to make up with you"

I couldn't stay silent any longer " Please go away Aunt Julia. I want to be left alone"

"Oh thank god. I was really worried when you weren't answering. Let me in Hon" Julia sounded relieved

"No leave me alone. I want to be alone" I screamed instantly feeling guilty as I did so. It wasn't her fault that she had an idiot for a son.

After a few minutes it was obvious that Julia wasn't going anywhere as she pleaded to be let in. I finally gave in to her pleas and opened the door

As soon as she opened the door she took one look at me and wrapped her arms around me pulling me into her

"Oh my poor love. He has really upset you hasn't he" Julia gently spoke as she hugged me dear

As she did I again broke down in tears only this time uncontrollably as I let out all of my pent up emotion

"There there honey. Let it all out. Have a good cry. You will feel so much better afterwards" She tried to reassure me.

I tried to respond however couldn't speak through my sobbing

"Come on lets go and sit down" She guided me to the sofa in the lounge and sat me down "Come on lets get you comfortable then we can have a chat"

Over the next 20 minutes or so I relayed the evenings events to Julia including my upset at seeing Nan so poorly and my argument with Martin

As I spoke Julia unstrapped my shoes and released my aching feet from their restraints. I continued talking as I unconsciously started rubbing my sore feet through my fine tights.

"Here let me do that dear" Julia said as sat down beside me and pulled my ankles around onto her lap and started massaging my feet as my skirt again rode up to mid thigh showing the lacy hem of my slip and an expanse of pretty leg - my pretty leg!. What was it with this bloody skirt I thought?

Julia's hands felt so soothing as I continued to unburden myself of the evening's events. By the time I had finished I had run out of tears and just felt shattered.

"Let's get you to bed baby. It's getting late. Are you working tomorrow?"

I responded that I was and that I had an early start. With that Julia swung my feet onto the floor and told me to go and have a hot shower whilst she made us both a nice cup of hot chocolate.

I didn't need asking twice as I wanted to get out of my clothes.

I left Julia in the kitchen as I went up to my bedroom and started undressing being careful not to damage my tights as I carefully rolled them down my silky legs. After removing my blouse and skirt, I stripped off my slip and bra.

I thought "oh how right was the old biddy at the supermarket when she said it felt so good to take your bra off at the end of the day"

I removed my bracelet and watch and as I struggled to undo the small clasp of my necklace I felt the large hoop earrings tug on my ear lobes. I unclipped the posts holding the hoop earrings and removed them from my lower lobes instantly feeling better for doing so. I don't know why but I left the smaller earrings in.

I was now naked apart from my knickers and wrapped myself in my blue toweling robe - Not mums - Mine! And made my way to the bathroom across the landing

Before getting in the shower with Mum's advise ringing in my ears I pulled the two hair slides from my hair and covered my hair with a clear shower cap so I didn't end up with frizzy hair in the morning

Before getting in the shower I looked in the bathroom mirror and noticed the red welt marks on my shoulders and back where my bra had rested. It did feel good to be freed of it. Oh how women suffered for their boobs!

After a relaxing hot shower in which I scrubbed my face of the make up that I wore, I dried off and then pulled on some underpants and put my dressing gown back on.

I glanced in the mirror as I removed my shower cap as my tight curly hair bounced freely. I sighed deeply as I took in the reflection of a pretty young teenage girl. She had a pretty face that wasn't totally devoid of make up, she had sultry eyebrows and her ears were adorned with small pretty earrings

As I brought my hand up to touch my face I was again taken aback my little pearly pink varnished fingernails. I recalled my mum once saying my hands were like girls as they were so small. Her hands were bigger than mine and Mum was only a little lady.

I was too good looking to be a boy. Everyone thought I was a girl. Was I really a girl inside and just didn't realise it until the events of the last few days.

I was so confused. Martin had said he loved me. How could he love me when he had treated me so badly earlier in the evening? Did I love him?

No I didn't I decided. He was horrid to me and I couldn't love someone who had scared and upset me so much. I did like him though and didn't want to lose his friendship

As I looked in the mirror playing with my curls, my mind wandered and I thought of the coming days. Should I go to work as Joe or Joanne in the morning? How could I get out of helping Uncle David on Sunday when I would again need to be dressed as a girl? Did I want to be Martin's guest at Caroline and Paul's wedding? Oh I didn't know what I wanted

Aunt Julia calling from the bottom of the stairs disturbed my thoughts

" Come down Jo love. Your chocolate is going to go cold"

End of chapter 24