I take a deep breath as I enter the vast hospital and quickly find my way to the clean private room, briefly stopping when I see the middle-aged man stood outside.

"Hi Mark!" I say to the smartly-dressed man, who greets me with a handshake and a smile.

"Hello Stuart!" The man warmly replies. "Jamie's currently being seen by her nurse, but she should done any minute."

"That's why you're out here instead of in there, then?" I chuckle.

"Yep," Jamie's dad says. "Thought I'd give the missus a break, she's been here literally every second I haven't. I try to tell her that Jamie's got the best nurses money can buy..."

"You can't argue with a mother whose child's unwell," I muse, remembering how my own mother wouldn't leave my bedside after both my mastectomy and my hysterectomy.

"I know she'll be pleased to see you," Mr. Travis says. "She's actually been asking about you, wondering when you'll drop by."

"All done," the posh nurse says as she exits the room. "She's all yours, as long as you don't excite her too much!" I stammer a little as the nurse looks in my direction.

"Oh, um, I'm not Jamie's boyfriend, um," I stammer, making both the nurse and Jamie's dad laugh.

"Come on, son," Mr. Travis says, leading me into the room.

"Hi dad," Jamie says, before her smile widens upon seeing me- and the expensive bouquet of flowers I've brought. "Hey, Stu!"

"Hi Jamie," I say, giving the poorly girl a gentle, one-handed hug. "Still doped up to your eyeballs?"

"Nah," Jamie giggles. "Just a bit below, maybe mouth level. Thanks for the flowers, if the modelling thing doesn't work out I guess I could always become a florist, heh. Just can't wait to get back on my feet..."

"Well you're GOING to wait," Jamie's dad insists. "It'll only be for a few weeks, then you've got the rest of your life to be the woman you were always meant to be!" Jamie giggles- probably thanks to the painkillers flooding her system- but Mark's words resonate with me as much as they do with Jamie. When Jamie looks at herself naked in the mirror, she'll see a girl with girl parts. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a boy... With girl parts. Sure, the recovery period for a phalloplasty would be 2, maybe even 3 times as long, but once it's done, it's DONE. I'd have a penis. MY penis. My dick. My cock.

...And yet, there's a part of me that's scared of having a penis. It's not like I could go back to being a girl- my uterus is gone, my ovaries are gone, my breasts are gone, I've had testosterone flooding my body for a full third of my life... but this 'final step' is something else entirely, and it's hard to say why. Is it because I'd always be a 'chick with a dick'? Is it because I'm scared I'd never fully get used to having it? Is it because I'm not THAT uncomfortable with the way I am?

I ask all these rhetorical questions two days later as I sit on one of the comfortable chairs in my counsellor's office. Dr Phillips nods and takes notes as I reel off my woes, before offering her typically wise opinion on the matter.

"Obviously," the middle-aged professional woman begins, "I'm going to preface this by saying what I've said a million times: The way you feel is perfectly natural, there is nothing wrong with the way you feel. You WERE born in the wrong body, and there'll always be a part of you that will feel that way. There is a chance that SRS will correct this, there's a chance that the feeling will remain even AFTER SRS."

"So... Are you saying I should take the plunge and book my SRS?" I ask.

"I'm saying you should think about it carefully," Dr Phillips clarifies. "Though you've clearly already put a lot of careful thought into this. You'd be surprised how many young men and women I get coming through these doors at the start of their transition eager to have SRS, only to have second thoughts about it as the time of their operation approaches."

"So... What are you saying I should do?" I ask, confused and slightly frustrated by Dr Phillips's advice.

"You should do what you feel is best," the counsellor advises. "I can help you find that out, but I can't definitively say 'yes you should have SRS', or 'no you shouldn't have it'. This is a decision only YOU can make, Stuart."

I keep Dr Phillips's advice in my mind all throughout the rest of the week at work and at home. I talk it over with my parents and my older sister, though as none of them have ever gone through what I'm going through, the amount of advice they can offer is severely limited. Even days later, as I'm driving to Jamie's house to welcome her home, it's all I can think about- though my thoughts SHOULD be on the impending return of my best friend. My sisters- who are accompanying me to Jamie's house- quickly sense that something's amiss with me.

"Emma," Becca asks with a cheeky voice, "why is our brother not more excited about the return of the girl he is so obviously madly in love with?"

"Stu's got a lot on his mind lately," Emma explains with a cheeky grin of her own.

"Can we not discuss I-T with B-E-C-C-A in the car, please?" I ask, chuckling a little as my baby sister lets out one of her trademark frustrated grunts.

"Oh for god's sake!" Becca sighs. "Did you not attend my birthday party two weeks ago? Didn't you wonder why there lots of things with the number '19' written on them? I'm not a kid! Just tell me!" Emma- equally familiar with Becca's 'outbursts'- chuckles along with me, explaining to Becca after I give her the nod.

"Let's just say that soon, Jamie might not be the only post-operative transsexual we know," Emma says, eliciting a surprised gasp from our teenaged sister.

"Oh my god, Stu!" Becca squeaks, leaning forward and giving my shoulders a tight squeeze. "This is so awesome!"

"I haven't made up my mind yet," I sigh.

"What's there to think about?" Becca asks. "I mean, you've spent the last eight years of your life turning yourself into a man, surely this is just the next step? You've already had surgery on your chest, you've had a hysterectomy..."

"Yeah, will this is bigger than all of those others put together," I say. "It's not like Jamie hasn't had minor surgeries before this one- I know for a fact at the very least she's had a boob job AND surgery on her Adam's apple. If you ask her, she'll say that this beats all of those put together too."

"I guess..." Becca says.

"And it's not like Stu has to make an immediate decision," Emma interjects. "Penis or no penis, he'll always be our brother, right?"

"Right!" Becca giggles. "But... The longer you wait, the longer you'll be wishing you had, you know, 'one'..." I remain quiet for the rest of the trip- Emma and Becca both make excellent points. I'm grateful when I finally arrive at Jamie's house and help her settle back in her room with the help of her mum and Charlotte. I spend the whole day at Jamie's house listening to her & Charlotte's gossip and Jamie talk about her new vagina. It's only when I'm alone in Jamie's bedroom with the two women that the thought hits me- I'm a full year older than Charlotte and 18 months older than Jamie, meaning that of the three people in the room, I've had a vagina longer than any of us, and yet I'm the only man. That's a thought that sticks with me throughout the rest of the day and all throughout the following day at work. I even dream about undergoing the operation, laying in a hospital bed just as I'd seen Jamie do...

And yet, as much as thoughts of my 'new manhood' litter my mind, they're always followed by thoughts of Jamie herself. If the only way I could take the 'journey' was alone, then it'd be a no-brainer- I simply wouldn't take it. But now that I have my friends, close friends who love me, and a girl who understands my plight better than anyone, who's beautiful, funny, clever... Even when she was pre-op she was one of the most beautiful and amazing women I'd ever known. My feelings for her are only hammered home on the Thursday morning when, whilst waiting for a music arrangement to render on my computer, I idly browse Facebook and see something that rips my heart straight out of its chest.

'Jamie-Lee Burke is in a relationship'.

I actually shed a tear as I read that sentence, such is my love for her. I start to type out a response, a 'congratulations', but inside a part of me has died, a part I doubt I'll ever get back. It's only after reading the full sentence- 'Jamie-Lee Burke is in a relationship with Hannah Dexter'- that I start to recover. I don't know Hannah as well as I do the other girls, but this is EXACTLY the type of practical joke she loves. Rolling my eyes, I delete my 'congratulations' and instead type 'prove it', only to be greeted seconds later by a photograph of the two girls kissing using what look like mouths that are barely suppressing laughter.

"Very funny," I say to myself, but I'm not laughing- I genuinely, honestly thought I'd lost my chance of being with Jamie. I briefly contemplate going round to Jamie's house to see her, but as large as the part of me that adores her is, there's an equally large part of me that's still scared of committing to a relationship with Jamie, a part of me that's scared she'd take one look at me naked and run a mile...

I wake up on Friday morning with a sigh. Even though it's Good Friday and the start of a four day weekend for most people, working in the industry I do means I don't get the luxury of observing public holidays. I immerse myself in my work, but after dinner, I find myself unable to concentrate on anything other than Jamie. She's already reverted yesterday's Facebook update, but yesterday's 'scare' is almost too much for me to take. After making my excuses, I drive myself straight to Jamie's house, where I eagerly knock on her door to be greeted by her father.

"Hello Stuart!" Mr. Travis says with a grin. "Here to see Jamie?"

"Hi Mark," I say. "Yeah, is- is she, you know, up for visitors?"

"Of course," Mark says, ushering me upstairs. "Don't tell her I said this, but I'm worried that she's getting lonely cooped up in her room. Obviously, though, I don't want her getting up and about again until she's absolutely ready."

"My lips are sealed," I say as Mark knocks on his daughter's bedroom door.

"Yet another gentleman caller," Mark jokes. Even though I know that it was Keith- whose relationship with Charlotte isn't going anywhere anytime soon- who was the other 'gentleman caller', I still find myself getting jealous that another man was seeing the girl I'm increasingly viewing as 'my' girl.

"Hey Jamie," I say with an unintentionally goofy expression.

"Hi Stu!" Jamie says. From my perspective, it's almost as though her eyes light up upon seeing me... Though that could just be wishful thinking on my part.

"I'll leave you two to it," Mark chuckles, closing the door behind him.

"I just thought I'd drop round," I stammer. "Um, you know, see how you were doing..."

"If you missed me, you can always just say," Jamie giggles. Yeah, if only it was that easy... "I thought you said you'd be busy with work all week?"

"Project's going a lot faster than I expected," I lie. "Songs don't really need that much editing..." I take a deep breath as I steady my nerves. "And yes, I did miss you." Much to my relief, and my surprise, Jamie giggles at my 'forced confession'.

"I missed you too," Jamie whispers, catching me off-guard.

"Um, even though it's only been three days?" I ask.

"Well..." Jamie replies, before we both simultaneously break down in a giggling fit. For the next two hours we gossip about the most trivial things, but I enjoy every second of it, and as I leave just after half past nine, I find I'd give anything to stay with Jamie just a second longer.

"Thank you," Jamie whispers as I leave. “Thank you so much, and not just for tonight, not just for helping me decide to have this surgery, but for everything. Thank you… For being you.”

"No," I whisper back. "Thank YOU for being YOU. See you soon, Jamie." I shut the door and let out a long sigh. "I- I love you..."

After spending an interminable Easter Saturday at my aunt's house with my parents and my sisters, and an even more tedious Sunday morning at church with my family, I don't even bother coming up with an excuse to go round to Jamie's house in the evening. After once again being escorted up to Jamie's room by her dad, I sit down next to her on the bed and take in every inch of her body, every syllable she says. We talk about nonsense for a brief while, before our eyes fix on each other and I find myself involuntarily leaning into her, our lips pressing together gently, lovingly. The kiss lasts mere seconds before I break away, my heart racing, my emotions a blur.

"I-" I stammer, desperate to recover the situation and not lose Jamie forever. "I- I'm sorry Jamie, I know you're vulnerable right now, I, um, I got carried away, I shouldn't-"

"Shut up, please?" Jamie says with a grin, before pulling my head in towards hers and kissing me deeply, passionately. Almost instantly, my brain goes into overdrive. She initiated the kiss! She wants me! SHE wants ME! With shaking hands, I gently caress her supple, feminine body as we swap saliva, our tongues gently massaging each other. I slide a tentative hand underneath Jamie's t-shirt, gently caressing her breast, and when I encounter no resistance, I slip a finger underneath her bra cup, gently stroking her rock-hard nipple. I get carried away in the heat of the moment and almost don't notice when Jamie slips one of her hands underneath the waistband of my trousers, but as she approaches my genital region, my mind immediately switches from arousal to near-panic.

"No," I breathe hastily. "It's... It's not pretty down there." Much to my surprise, Jamie simply smiles, then points her crotch at me, raising her skirt and lowering her panties to show me her new lady parts. I let out a quiet gasp of surprise as I see her 'area'- with the exception of the angry-looking pink scars and the stitches covering her genitals like zippers, it looks... Ordinary. Like any other girl's vagina. Shaking slightly through nerves, I remove my jeans and slowly lower my boxer shorts, allowing Jamie to see my genitals for the very first time- and I can tell she's just as surprised as I am, if not more.

"Pretty?" Jamie asks, before smiling wickedly at me. "I think it's SEXY." I grin widely as Jamie and I lean in once more, kissing deeply, before Jamie's hand finds its way onto my clitoris, sending a lightning bolt of pleasure through my body.

"Oh god," I moan, my words obscured by Jamie's own mouth.

"Do you want me to stop?" Jamie asks, concern in her voice.

"HELL no," I gasp as Jamie increases the pressure on my most sensitive of body parts. Within seconds I lose control, moaning and gasping into Jamie's mouth before collapsing back onto my bed as the orgasm penetrates every cell of my body.

"I really do love you, you know," Jamie whispers as she lays down next to me. "It doesn't matter what you've got down there, it's what's inside here that counts." Jamie gently places one of her small hands on my chest, pressing down on my rapidly-thumping heart.

"I- I love you too," I whisper, desperately trying to keep tears from forming in my eyes. "You're my best ever friend... Who says sex destroys friendships, anyway?"

"People who are WRONG!" Jamie giggles, giving me another kiss, a kiss that ends when we both giggle loudly into each other's mouth. We both stay firmly rooted to the spot for the next few hours, kissing, cuddling, gossiping about friends and family. If I didn't have work tomorrow, I wouldn't have left Jamie's side, but I'm eventually torn away just before 11pm, reluctantly returning home where, to my surprise, Becca is still awake, cuddled up on the sofa watching TV with Riley.

"Hey guys," I say, collapsing into a chair and desperately trying NOT to think about the man pawing away at my baby sister.

"Look at you, Mr. Stay-Out," Becca teases. "Have fun at Jamie's?"

"Yeah," I say nonchalantly. Even though we are now technically in a relationship, I'm not sure how far Jamie wants to take it, or how soon, so I can't simply blab it openly to anyone- not even Becca.

"Only it's well past your usual bedtime," Becca continues. "Aren't you planning on working tomorrow?"

"Don't you also have coursework to complete?" I retort.

"Good point," Becca concedes. "Speaking of bedtime..." Becca stands up and makes a show of giving her boyfriend a long, deep kiss in front of me, before skipping upstairs hand-in-hand with Riley. Normally, I'd be incensed by this behaviour- but following my 'session' with Jamie I find I'm surprisingly laid-back about it. God, don't tell me I was envious of my baby sister...

The second I wake up the following day, I open up Facebook on my phone and send a message to Jamie, a simple one that reads 'morning beautiful'. When I don't get an instant reply, I get washed and dressed and settle down to work. When I'm not working (or being pestered by Becca & Riley), I'm sending Jamie yet more messages in the hope that she'll eventually reply, and when she does, my hands actually start to shake.

"For god's sake," I whisper to myself. "You've known the girl for ages, she's clearly as into you as you are into her, stop being so fucking nervous..." I briefly chat with Jamie, during which she invites me around for a coffee date tomorrow. After we've finished our 'chat', I immediately open up my email and compose a message to my counsellor, requesting a meeting tomorrow morning.

I make sure I'm awake extra-early for the 9am meeting (the only free slot Dr Phillips had), and all the way there, I mentally run through everything I want to say to the middle-aged woman.

"Hi Stuart," Beverly says as I enter the office and sit down in my usual plush chair. "Your email mentioned that you urgently wanted to see me- have you thought more about your SRS?"

"I have," I say. "...But it's not all I've been thinking about. I've... I've started a new relationship."

"I see," Beverly says. "That IS good news, is it someone you knew beforehand, a friend, or someone you've just met?"

"It's Jamie," I say nervously. "I've had feelings for her for ages, a couple of nights ago we were talking in private, one thing led to another..."

"You became physical?" Beverly asks.

"Yes," I say. "And we both enjoyed it, we both agreed that we wanted more, a proper relationship. And before you say anything, no, I didn't 'disturb' Jamie's 'area', I know she needs a lot more time to heal."

"Heh," Beverly giggles. "So the physicality... It was one-sided?"

"Yes," I say. "...And it was good. It was VERY good, it just... As much as I enjoyed it, it just hammered home that I'm still pre-op. Jamie says she doesn't mind, but she's only been with REAL men before... We're good friends, GREAT friends, and I know that if we weren't close, she'd never have agreed to be with me..."

"Remember that I know Jamie very well," Beverly says with a smile. "If her feelings for you are genuine, SRS shouldn't make a difference."

"But it'd make a difference to MY feelings for ME," I sigh. "My relationship with Jamie... I LOVE her, but I'm afraid that every time we're together... I'll always have this nagging thought in the back of my mind, that she's had SRS and I haven't, that I should..."

"Jamie shouldn't be your only reason for having SRS," Beverly advises. "It sounds like your feelings for her have been growing for some time now, am I right?"

"Yeah," I sigh. "And yes, my desire to have SRS have grown alongside my feelings for Jamie. I know how it must sound- yes, I've been pre-op for eight years, it may seem like these feelings have only just manifested, but all my relationships before Jamie have always fallen down, and it's usually because of sex."

"Even with today's modern technology, a phalloplasty won't give you full sexual function," Beverly says. "You will still need external help to have regular intercourse."

"But I will be able to have regular intercourse," I say. "Which I can't, the way I am. And Jamie looks so happy, now she's had her SRS, there's a glow about her, something that says 'I am whole'. I want that glow. I want... I want to be a man."

"I shouldn’t need to remind you that in the eyes of the law, you ARE a man," Beverly says. "But I understand where you're coming from. As I said in our last meeting, there's no guarantee that you'll get this 'glow' you're talking about if you have SRS, and the recovery period will be a lot longer than Jamie's."

"I know," I sigh. "I'm aware of all the risks... But I'm also aware of all the rewards. You also said last time that it has to be my decision... And I've decided. I want you to book me in for SRS." As the words leave my mouth, I shudder. Not since I came out to my parents on my sixteenth birthday have I felt this nervous. The words I've just said... They're not idle chatter. They're serious, life-changing in every imaginable way words.

"Are you absolutely, fully sure that this is what you want?" Beverly asks.

"It is," I reply without hesitation. I take a very shaky breath as Beverly simply smiles and nods.

"I'll make enquiries to get you booked in for the second opinion," Beverly states calmly. "But I'll also provisionally book you a slot for SRS. The waiting list is going to be about a year and a half, I'm afraid."

"...And there's no guarantee that Jamie and I will still be together 18 months from now," I muse quietly. "But I will still want to be a man."

"This is a big step," Beverly says. "But I can tell it's not one you're taking lightly. And a part of me is proud that you're taking this step."

"Thanks," I reply, my heart finally settling down to its normal speed. After leaving the office- with an armful of pamphlets and websites about SRS- I check my phone for messages from Jamie, only to discover a missed call from Keith instead.

"Hi mate," I say, calling Keith back.

"Hi Stu," Keith says. "You busy right now?" I have to bite my tongue to keep from telling Keith all about my meeting- he's easily my best male friend and will be very high on the list of people to tell...

"Um, not anymore," I say.

"Oh?" Keith teases. "Doing anything exciting?" Despite knowing that I'll get in a LOT of trouble, I can't hold my tongue any longer.

"Ever heard of a phalloplasty?" I ask Keith, who laughs excitedly.

"Oh god," Keith chuckles. "Don't tell me you had it done this morning?"

"No," I chuckle. "But I may have booked myself in for one... Obviously I'd appreciate it if you didn't blab this to anyone, not yet anyway."

"Not even to your new girlfriend?" Keith teases.

"Ahh, she told you," I laugh. "No, not even to her, I'd prefer to be the one to tell her."

"No worries, mate," Keith says. "I'm coming round to pick you up, then we're heading back to Jamie's, then out for lunch, is that okay?"

"Sure," I reply with a smile. When Keith arrives a few minutes later- in a bright pink taxi cab with the Angels' faces painted on it, much to my surprise- I immediately jump into the back and slide next to Jamie, greeting her with a long, deep kiss that makes Charlotte (also in the back of the cab) giggle and bounce up and down excitedly. When we arrive back at Jamie's house, she makes a point of going in without our fingers or hands linked.

"Mum, dad," Jamie says with a smug smile. "There's something I need to tell you..."

"Umm," Mark says, clearly taken aback by Jamie's announcement. "Is- is it about your-"

"Nooo," Jamie teases, before finally grabbing my hand. "Stuart and I are boyfriend and girlfriend." Much to my infinite relief, both of Jamie's parents immediately jump out of their chairs and hug both of us, Mark giving me a long, hearty handshake as well.

"Fantastic news!" Jamie's dad beams. "You two are perfect for each other, you really are. I know you'll both be very, very happy together."

"Thanks, 'dad'!" I tease, making Mark laugh happily.

"If you'll excuse us," Jamie whispers, clearly surprised by how well her parents took the news, "I need to um, head upstairs for a bit..."

"You two go," Jamie's mum says with a giggle.

"They took that well," I say as I close the door to Jamie's bedroom.

"Tell me about it," Jamie sighs as she raises her dress and lowers her panties. "Every boyfriend I've had in the past, they've HATED... Especially Paul..."

"I knew they LIKED me," I muse, "but I always assume it was because we were friends, and if- eww!" I wince a little as Jamie applies a dollop of lubricant jelly to a long, dildo-like tube and pushes it into her vagina.

"Oh, BOY!" Jamie teases. "You knew I did this four times a day..."

"Yeah, I also know you have to poo as well," I giggle. "Doesn't mean I want to watch THAT either..."

"Hardly the same thing," Jamie sighs.

"Not exactly," I concede. "And god knows, I'll-" I pause before continuing, not wanting to reveal the surprise of my SRS to my new girlfriend. "I'll just have to get used to it, I suppose..."

"I won't have to do it as often as time goes on," Jamie says with a smile. "And I won't force you to watch every time, I promise. Shall we call this our first and last argument?"

"Works for me," I say with a smile, sitting down next to Jamie and giving her a long, tender kiss.

Before we leave the bedroom, Jamie insists on updating our Facebook status with news of our relationship, something I'm only too happy to do, especially when it receives over a hundred likes in a few minutes, and several messages reading 'OMG!!!' from Becca!

At lunch, I inform Jamie and Charlotte of my decision to have SRS, which gains me tight hugs from both women- especially Jamie. On the way home, my new girlfriend can't bear to tear herself away from my embrace- something that suits me perfectly fine.

"I almost can't believe it," Jamie whispers to me.

"Now you know how I felt when you had your surgery!" Charlotte teases.

"Yeah, I know," Jamie concedes, "But this- is it- is it because of us, because of you and me, that you're having the surgery? Because I wouldn’t want you to think that you were under any kind of obligation-"

"I've been transitioning since long before we met, remember?" I say. "I LOVE you. But I also love being a man... And if there's one thing that the last couple of weeks have taught me... Don't shy away from what you love, even if it'll be hard work."

"Are you implying that I'm 'hard work'?" Jamie teases.

"Or are you implying that she's the easiest thing in the world?" Charlotte asks. Keith chuckles as the two women put me on the spot- both answers are, of course, 100% wrong.

"Being a MAN is hard work," I sigh, earning disapproving stares from both women. "Yes, so is being a woman. Want to argue that I don't know what that's like?" Fortunately, both Charlotte and Jamie giggle as I defuse the tension.

"You just keep playing that trump card, bro," Keith chuckles. But in truth, I DON'T know what it's like to be a woman, I never have and I never want to.

All my life, I've felt male, and all my adult life, I've been a man. I don't need a penis to be a man. I don't need a girlfriend to be a man- but I do need Jamie to be happy. I do need a penis to stop the longing I've felt all my life. For the first time in a very, very long while, I feel complete, on the road to a place where I can finally say 'yes. This is who I am, and I am 100% satisfied with this person'. I can't wait to get there... And I can't wait to make that journey with Jamie at my side.