Introduction: What is discovery? Perhaps it’s finding something that you didn’t know existed. Maybe it’s finding a hidden treasure. Maybe it’s finding out something about yourself that many were aware of but you just didn’t know it.

Maria tells Manny it’s time to go forward, that going nowhere is not the right solution. She gives him the name of a psychologist in Fort Smith.

This work is copyrighted by the author and any publication or distribution without the written consent of the author is strictly prohibited. This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of the characters to persons living or dead is coincidental.

Chapter 3

“Excuse me, what problem are you talking about?” Manny asked.

“The one I told you about 10 years ago. I can’t imagine you ignored what I said. I’ll bet you researched it and know exactly what I’m talking about.

“Come on inside. Lucy needs a feeding before I put her down for a nap. Her arm might be getting sore later on. I’ll let her sleep now while she can. Leave your stuff out here. You can get it later. Your uncle won’t be back for a while.”

Manny followed her into the darkened living area. It had been quite warm outside; however, the evaporative cooler located on the roof was pumping quite cool air into the pleasant home. She passed through the living and dining rooms into the large kitchen where she motioned for Manny to have a seat.

“You wannanother beer?”

“Sure.”

“They’re in the fridge,” Maria said as she sat at the table. “I need some ice water. There’re glasses in the cabinet to the right.”

Manny found and filled the glass from the spigot in the refrigerator door. He handed the filled glass to her, then got a beer out of the fridge. He sat across from her at the table. Little Lucy was already firmly attached to Maria’s left breast. Some things hadn’t changed since his last. Maria was always pretty open about things, and breast feeding was one of them

“Now, about your problem, you wanna talk about it?”

“I’m not sure ….”

“Look, denial is not a river in north Africa. You can’t live with that all bottled up inside you. It is not a healthful activity.” Suddenly, Maria’s lapsed grammar was gone. She sounded very professional.

“I saw how you acted with my children back then. There were many clues. You acted like most twelve-year old girls would. I could see the young mother in you. I put you to the test. I openly breast fed my little boy. You never watched me with a sexual leer. You were full of envy, just like you are now.”

“But, ….”

“No buts, I have a BS and MS in psychology and gender studies. My people have the same problems as you round eyes do. Along with our alcoholics, wife abusers and drug addicts, we have our gay and transgendered. We just don’t treat it like an affliction. We accept it, embrace it. Unfortunately, White Man’s influence has caused severe problems, especially among those who’ve attended schools in other areas where those traits are not as well accepted. Note, I did not say “life styles”.”

“I understand what you’re saying. I never attended the LGBT groups at Humboldt …”

“You should have,” Maria interrupted.

“ ... but, I had many friends who did.”

“I have many friends who are white. That doesn’t mean I’m white.

“Sorry, that was a bit out of line. You need to come out. Hiding from yourself can only harm you in the long run. You don’t have to worry about your family. Your mother and uncle know far more than you give them credit for. They are not going to force you to make a decision; however, as a professional I’m telling you that don’t let your real spirit come out you will be unhappy for the rest of your life, however long that is.

“Now, where are you going in Arkansas?”

“In the Arkansas River Valley near Altus and Ozark; not far east of Fort Smith.”

“Good, I know a great counselor in Fort Smith. We got our Master’s in the same program. I want you to start seeing her. She won’t make you do anything. She’ll just point out the paths available to you and hopefully you will make the right decision. You will need an endocrinologist, and I imagine she’ll make a suggestion for you. I have her card. I’ll bring it to you later.”

“You seem to have everything laid out for me. Why are you doing this?”

“Because we don’t want to lose you.

“I’m going to take Lucy to the house and put her down for her nap. The kids will be coming home in a little while. I’ll have to oversee their homework, and then we have to get the fixin’s ready for the barbecue. There’s a pig roasting on a spit out back, and I’ll need to check on it. Your uncle was supposed to be watching it, but I suspect he’s half way to Wisconsin by now.”

Manny had been smelling the aroma of the roasting pig for a while, but it hadn’t registered what was going on. He barely moved after Maria left. The enormity of what she said was a bit of a shock. Something that he had wondered about was apparently very obvious. Why hadn’t Stevie said anything if it was that obvious?

He couldn’t argue with anything that Maria had said; however, was what he apparently demonstrated truly indicative of his being transgender? That was obviously what she was implying. Or was he just fucked up?

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of his bike returning.

“Man, what a machine,” his uncle said as he placed Manny’s helmet on the table. “John Craig couldn’t catch me. I was doing 140 but ran out of road. I’ll bet that machine would do 160, easy.”

“Who’s John Craig,” Manny asked, just glad his bike was returned in one piece.

“County Sheriff: don’t worry about it. He asked me to do it.

“What in the hell made you buy something like that? I never would have expected you to do anything like that.”

“What’s wrong, too manly?”

“Er, no, I just never thought you’d ever be into something like that. You always seemed to sit back a bit. I don’t know. It just didn’t seem like you.”

“I rode dirt bikes in Texas all the time. You even went riding with me. I’m not sure what the difference is.”

“I don’t know. I guess you sorta surprised me, that’s all.

“I guess I’d better check on that pig we got roasting. It should be just fine.

“Maria fixed things up in the loft for you. You get good cross ventilation up there, and in spite of the heat, the nights are pretty cool.”

Manny remembered the loft. It had been a great play place when he’d been younger. Suddenly the memory hit him. It had been something he hadn’t thought about in years. He’d pretend he was a princess and ‘she’ was waiting to be rescued by a handsome prince. Jesus, he hadn’t thought about that for years.

He brought his bike and trailer under the eaves of the porch just in case there might be some rain. Everything he needed was in his saddlebag. It was still a bit early for the monsoon, but you never knew. The next morning he found a business card for a counselor in Fort Smith. Why in the hell would she have that he thought to himself. She had to have known his plans. That meant his mother must have told her. That meant his mother must also know about him. Why hadn’t she ever said anything?

Downtown Tagus was much like any of probably four or five hundred farm towns in North and South Dakota, or just about anywhere else in the northern plains. On the plus side they did have a railroad and a pretty large grain storage facility. They had a Kum & Go quick stop that was probably responsible for a couple of Mom and Pop stores closing on Main St. There was even talk of a Wal-Mart moving in. Most hoped that wouldn’t happen, but with the influx of oilfield workers there would have to be something. Most of the current residents of Tagus would take the hour plus drive to Minot for major shopping.

The decline of the small farmer/rancher had created a corresponding decline in downtown (such as it was) Tagus. Until the various companies that supported the oil business could find a place of their own to conduct business, they rented several of the empty stores along Main St. and the streets paralleling it.

The Antelope Bar and Grill was on Fargo, the main east west thoroughfare that crossed Main St. Uncle Ben had convinced Manny that he needed to see the Bar and Grill and the improvements that were in progress. It was Manny’s last day before heading south to San Antonio.

“I had the whole kitchen gutted and have put in the latest and best equipment. This town hasn’t had a decent restaurant in decades. We were doing well before I shut things down and the contractor promised he’d have everything ready in three weeks. We’re supposed to have the grand reopening next week. I bought the building next door and knocked a hole through there. That will be the family dining room. The pool tables on this side are basically where they were before. They have new felt and rubber. They’re antiques. Fortunately, the floor in here is real sturdy. There are two shuffleboards and two dart games. That’s the original bar, pure mahogany. I thought about getting the mirrors re-silvered, but they sort of add to the ambience the way they are.

“So, what do you think?”

“It certainly looks nice. How many people are going to be working here?”

“I lucked out on the kitchen staff. They vary from six to eight depending on the day of the week. I got a retired GI from Minot. He’s damn good; been to a couple of cooking schools since he retired. I have six wait staff and will probably hire a couple more. There are two bartenders, and I spell them. There are two girls who just work the drinks. This area isn’t much for wine drinker; however, I have a guy lined up as a sommelier.”

“So, where is everyone?”

“On vacation. I gave ‘em all 30 days paid vacation. I want them fresh and happy when they get back. We’ll take a week to work out all the kinks, and then we should be ready to go before school starts. Word has it that they are bringing in several more rigs, and I want this place ready for the roustabouts.”

“Uncle Ben, this has to be costing you a bunch. How are you paying for all this, if it’s any of my business?”

“I made some good investments. Maybe one of these days we’ll talk about it.

Manny was concerned about his mother. He’d talked to her several times during his adventure, and she didn’t sound right to him. She’d been going to the doctor, but so far, they’d ruled out cancer but hadn’t come up with any firm diagnosis. He was eager to see her and hopefully she’d start feeling better. He wasn’t sure he would be able to go to Arkansas if her condition didn’t improve.

He was also concerned about the gender issue. Maria had another talk with him. He began to realize he had been hiding from his gender issues. “What am I going to do, Maria?”

“You gotta do what you gotta do. That’s your decision, but no one want’s you to be unhappy. There is someone out there for you and you won’t find that person the way you are now. You have far too much baggage in the way. You need to find yourself. Once you do, the rest will happen. It may be a man; it may be a woman. Who knows? I guarantee you your heart will know. Just stop treading water. You’re not going anywhere, and eventually you will wear out and drown.

“When you get to Arkansas and get settled down in your new job, I want you to call Gerry Feinstein. I’ve talked with her. I didn’t out you to her. That’s not the proper thing to do, privately or professionally. I just told her that you were going to be in the area and to expect your call. Please don’t let me down. More importantly, don’t let yourself down.

“You have a long road ahead of you. Please be careful.” Maria said while giving him a firm hug. He could feel her warm breasts flattening a bit against his body. Manny realized that she may have been talking about more than the nearly sixteen-hundred mile trip that was ahead of him. He turned to see his Uncle Ben, who had been standing aside with Robert, approaching.

“Be careful on that machine. I might have to get one like it. But the first thing I have to do is to get that saloon up and running.

“Tell your mom to get well.”

He gave Manny a firm handshake and a hug. “You gotta do what you gotta do.”

Manny makes the trip south only to find out his mother is going into the hospital the next day. She recovers quickly from the surgery and Manny learns a bit more about his father and uncle.