Introduction: What is discovery? Perhaps it’s finding something that you didn’t know existed. Maybe it’s finding a hidden treasure. Maybe it’s finding out something about yourself that many were aware of but you just didn’t know it.

It doesn’t take much to get Manny to seek out the psychologist Maria recommended. Manny is very impressed and opens up with her. She explains his options. Doing nothing is always an option.

This work is copyrighted by the author and any publication or distribution without the written consent of the author is strictly prohibited. This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of the characters to persons living or dead is coincidental.

Chapter 5

Things don’t happen for a reason as much as they are the result of other things happening. That is future events do not cause past events, although Manny sometimes wondered.

John and Shirley Crawford were a down to earth, very eclectic, and very liberal couple. Empty nesters, John had taken an early retirement from a job in North Carolina, and he and Shirley were taking a trip across the country to visit their children and grandchildren. They had seen articles about the small wine industry in Arkansas, and were curious about it. As they entered the Arkansas River Valley west of Conway, they saw several billboards advertising the wineries in the Altus/Ozark area. They stopped.

Something about the area appealed to them. The tree covered ridges, hills, and low mountains were quite picturesque. It was fall, and the colors were at their peak. Not only that, the wine wasn’t bad. They continued on to the west coast to visit their son and his husband along with their three children. They also communicated with the Boyds the entire time. John had made some suggestions about some things he had noticed, and Mike was impressed with his business knowledge. John had also impressed Mike with his knowledge of wine. Two months later the Crawfords were moving into the mobile home. A new house would come later.

The Boyds and Crawfords had taken a liking to the young Manny immediately. He had answered an advertisement posted on the bulletin board next to his department office. Several of his classmates laughed at him. Who in their right mind would go to Arkansas to learn about viticulture when the best place in world to learn about vineyards and wine was only a 150 miles to the south. Besides, if he’d wanted to learn about viticulture, he should have gone to UC Davis where entire curricula were dedicated to viticulture and wine making. That first summer turned into a second summer and his senior project. As far as he was concerned, going to work full time at Hogeye was a no brainer. He might move on eventually, but right now this seemed to be the best choice.

Moving into a place as familiar as this one was also took away a lot of worry that many going to work for the first time experienced. That being said, it did make it easier for him to contemplate his gender issues. He’d never tried to laugh off any of the issues those close to him had expressed. Quite the contrary, those issues had inveigled their way into much of his down time. What was he going to do? He was beginning to realize those issues were real; however, he’d buried them. Now they were being uncovered whether he liked it or not.

He looked at the card Maria had given him. Gerry L. Feinstein, LCSW, Licensed Mental Health Professional along with her address and the usual complement of phone numbers stared back at him. He dialed the first number. You gotta do what you gotta do.

“I don’t think I understand. Because several of your acquaintances think you’re transgender, you’re seeking counseling. Perhaps they are the ones who need counseling. Something in what they said must have struck a chord with you. What in all this made you call me?”

Gerry Feinstein was an attractive woman entering middle age. She was probably five to ten years older than Maria.

“I guess because I’m not sure what I am. I have always been comfortable with who I am; however, in some regards I’m beginning to realize that I’m stuck on top dead center. I don’t have a girlfriend, never did. I’m still a virgin. I was never able to get past second base. The thing was I was never the aggressor. I wanted companionship. I wanted to feel close to someone. If it led to being intimate, that would be fine, wonderful. The thing was, I wanted a permanent relationship; not a quick tryst.

“Ten years ago, Maria brought up this two-spirited thing. She brought it up again a couple of months ago. I did some research back in high school and learned what it was about. I thought it was strange. I didn’t think I was “two-spirited”. I’m just me. I don’t think I’m schizophrenic or anything like it. Now I know my uncle knows, or thinks he knows something about me like Maria does. I just found out that my uncle is gay. All these years, and I didn’t have a clue. Then my mother tells me that she’s known for years that I was a “special person”. She’d known for years about this “two-spirited” thing. It doesn’t bother her in the least.”

“I’ll tell you what,” Gerry said taking a folder from a filing cabinet and placing it in front of her. “I have a little survey here. I’ll not call it a test as there are no correct answers. It will just help me understand what’s going on between your ears. There’s a nice quiet room next to this office. I want you to answer every question with the first answer that comes to your mind. Don’t mull over your responses too much. When you’re through, just leave it with my receptionist. I’ll see you next week at the same time. We might have some indicators at that time. Your answers may give some insight as to what actions, if any, you might want to take.

“Manny, I’ve had an interesting time with your survey, and have had some time to discuss it with some colleagues. The results were/are very interesting. If you had been a woman and had come to me expressing that you were a man trapped in a woman’s body I would have thought you were trying to pull a fast one on me, because the results indicate the exact opposite. Here you are a somewhat androgynous male who never seriously cross dressed, and maybe had a few fantasies about being in a female role. That fantasy, by the way, is not that unusual among cisgendered males.

“I think you’re here because you are curious about who you are. I’m just surprised you don’t know; that you haven’t figured it out. Manny, from all indications that you gave me, you are a mature, levelheaded, goal oriented woman. You just don’t know it. You are not a giggly, girly girl.”

Manny sat still, leaning over a bit resting his elbows on his knees with his chin against his folded hands, silently taking in what Gerry had said. She could see tears forming in his eyes.

“I’m a woman. Are you sure? You can tell just from that five-hundred page test I took,” he said trying to make light of a very serious situation. “You mean you can tell all that from that bunch of questions?”

“Actually, I combined four different questionnaires. You probably noticed some similarity in the questions and answers. The subtle differences in questions and answers help catch those who are trying to force a diagnosis. There’s quite a bit more to it, but that’s a professional secret. It’s not a sure thing, but I’ve never had false results to date, and I’ve had more than 75 take the survey over the years.”

“What am I going to do? What the hell am I going to do?”

“I think that’s what we need to find out. There are many options available; however, you need to come to some form of resolution that you are happy with. Denial is not a river in North Africa.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that one before.”

“Okay, we need to talk a lot more. I want to see you next week. We’ll work out a course of action that you will find satisfactory. I do have a question.”

“Sure.”

“Would you mind if I obtained a second opinion?”

“No, whom would you like me to see?”

“You already have. Maria wouldn’t tell me anything more than that you needed to talk to a professional about something. She knows you quite well. Now I want to get details from her point of view. I just need your permission to talk to her.”

“That would be fine.”

“So, next week, same time?”

“That will work. I just realized something. My health coverage hasn’t kicked in, and I didn’t pay last week.”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s all being taken care of.”

“So, how are things at work?” Gerry asked.

“Great. We layered a lot of cuttings last year, and we’ve been putting them out in a 20 acre area they’d cleared off last year. They’re looking great. It will be five years before they start producing well enough to start a new varietal wine.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Good. It’s kinda nice having this out in the open. For some reason, I feel very upbeat about things. I talked to Mom about our talks. She seemed very happy about me finally doing something.”

“Good, let’s talk about options.”

“Fine, I’m all ears.”

“One option is that you do nothing. You go on living this nebulous existence without ever getting a life. Frankly, I don’t think that’s what you want to do. Really, the only option I see is that you start your real life test. We get your endocrinologist to set up a treatment plan for you. You’ll probably need to have some sperm put away, because if you start hormones, and I hope you do, you will become permanently sterile in just a few months. If you change your mind and stop treatments you won’t be able to father children. If you go through with the total transition, including gender confirmation surgery, you may still want to have children. You could find a surrogate who would bear your child.

“Depending on how you react to the hormone replacement treatment, HRT, you could probably have your GCS within two to three years. I would suggest you don’t rush things. Wait and see how you develop before you have breast augmentation. You may not need or want it. Your features aren’t overly masculine, but you will probably want some facial feminization surgery and a tracheal shave. Your voice is a nice tenor. With a little training, you might get away without having to have vocal cord tightening. Frequently, the endocrinologist will recommend a bilateral orchidectomy. That would mean you wouldn’t have to take blockers and the estrogen and progesterone will be much more effective with a lower dose.

“How does it sound so far?”

“Frankly, it scares the shit out of me. But on the other hand, if this is what I want to do, have to do, to be happy, then by God, I’m going to do it.”

“Good, I definitely want you to think it over. I don’t think you’re making the wrong decision, but I absolutely want you to be certain. I have my reputation to think of.”

Gerry gave Manny a hug before he left the office. He felt very good as he got on his bike to head back to Ozark. He would take the less traveled US 64 rather than I-40. You gotta do what you gotta do he thought as he fastened his chin strap.

Manny has a pretty good grasp by now of what’s been going on in his head. Let’s face it; he’s never really been in denial. It’s just that he was never truly aware of the person inside and that there might be a mismatch between his sex and gender. What’s it going to take for Manny to make that next big step?