----------=BigCloset Retro Classic!=----------

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Admin Note: Originally published on BigCloset TopShelf on Monday 11-10-2014 at 07:23:54 pm, this retro classic was pulled out of the closet, and re-presented for our newer readers. ~Sephrena

 
Chapter 1

It already felt like I had been on a plane for days, when the flight attendant came by and told me we would be landing soon. Stretching, I feel my joints pop as I unwind from my seat. Fortunately I'm small, and for this last part of my trip I had the row all to myself. Even so, my body feels like it's been tied up in one large knot.

It's been fairly easy to keep myself distracted, and not think….not think of why I now find myself on a plane to see a mother and two sisters for the first time since I was three.

Twelve or so years ago, Mum and Dad got divorced. My sisters are actually my half-sisters, Melissa and Katrina Calvert. Calvert being Mum's maiden name; their Dad having taken off before they were born. It appears that dear ol' Mum hasn't had the best of luck in the marriage department. I'm not even sure if she's married now.

Anyway, Mum and Dad split up when I was three: obviously the girls stayed with Mum, and since I guess she didn't want me, I went off with Dad, only getting a card from Mum once a year or so on my birthday, well, mostly. I haven't heard or gotten anything from her in a couple of years.

My Dad was Tommy Bond, yeah, that's right, the Tommy Bond. One of the top musicians of his day and definitely one of the all-time great guitarists…when he wasn't drunk or stoned that is. Maybe not as well-known as Van Halen or Brian May, at least by the public, but known in the industry enough to have the respect of the top performers, he just didn't have their luck.

I remember Dad saying on many an occasion, that if he didn't have bad luck, he wouldn't have any at all. I suspect that trying to raise a kid while trying to perform on the road didn't help, but he tried; I know the drinking didn't help either.

But he was always there for me, making sure that I got my schooling, and trying to protect me from some of the seedier sides of being in a band on the road nine or ten months out of the year. The crew helped raise me too,

A couple of years ago one of the local workers hired to help set up and tear down the equipment assaulted me during a concert. Dad broke his Fender over his head. Dad spent three months in a Hamburg jail trying to get everything cleared up, while I lived with the back-up singers.

Don't get me wrong, living with Dad wasn't all sunshine and lollypops. He had a nasty temper when he drank, he couldn't hold onto any money, and he really didn't know what was needed to raise a kid. He tried though and even if he had a hard time expressing his love sometimes, he never stopped trying.

That all ended six weeks ago in a Rotterdam hospital when Dad lost his fight with cancer. Since then it feels like I've been permanently on the go, what with taking care of his remains, then settling his estate.

Now there's a joke, estate, the only thing I have of Dad's is some of his music sheets, some odds and ends, and his guitar. The only reason I got that was 'cause Loni, one of the band members, lied through her teeth and convinced the authorities that it was mine. She told them it was worthless, when in fact, it's worth an absolute packet. There aren't very many 1936 Gibson Trojan Demo's around, and in mint condition to boot.

While all of that was happening, they were trying to track down Mum, and finally did in America; Colorado to be exact. The end result of finding her is me buckling up for a landing and wondering how life will be out here. All I know is it's going to be different.

Chapter 2

The chirp of the tires striking the runway is accompanied by the sudden roar of the engines as they slow the plane. Being in the very last row my seat has a lovely view of the right side engine but nothing else. The only thing I know is the sun is just coming up.

Eventually we get to the gate and soon everyone is standing wanting to get off the plane faster. I don't blame them, but first, there's only one door and people can only get out it so fast, and second, since I'm an unaccompanied minor, I have to wait for one of the crew to pass me off to Mum, or whomever is here to pick me up.

It doesn't help that I'm small and don't look my fifteen, almost sixteen years. Dad was six foot, I'm not quite five and that's when I think tall thoughts. I've been waiting for my growth spurt, but it hasn't happened yet. I figure I must take after Mum. Dad was dark with brown eyes and black hair. My eyes are grey and my hair is sort of a light mousy brown. Dad was stocky with a heavy frame and I'm just the opposite and it's obvious that I'll always be slender.

When the aisle clears a bit I get up and with the help of one of the flight attendants get my backpack out of the overhead locker, I'd have to wait until I get to the front of the plane to pick up Dad's guitar from the closet. I just hope my poor guitar survived the trip in the baggage hold. It's a solid electric, and in a good solid case, so there's some hope, but I've seen how some of the baggage handlers toss the bags around.

Once the aisles have cleared, and I've retrieved the guitar, I follow the flight attendant up the walkway to be signed for like a Fed-X package. God I need a cigarette!

*****************************************

Damn that security line. The plane's already landed and the TSA agents wouldn't let me go ahead in the line, even though there were a number of people in that same line calling out to them to let me. God damn bureaucracy!

I'm late and moving as fast as I dare in these heels. I would have loved to have changed into something lower but I had to come straight here from a showing, and just didn't have the time. Why does every gate I ever need to go to have to be at the very end of the concourse?

As I get closer to the gate, I scan the faces by the door and counter, trying to get a first glimpse of my son. As I get closer, the staccato sound of my heels on the tile gets the attention of someone in uniform by the counter and they look up. Approaching the counter, I notice in passing a young girl slouched in her chair wearing a sullen look on her face.

Arriving at the counter I say nearly out of breath, "Hello, I'm Amy Calvert. I'm here to pick up my son Tam, Tam Bond. You just wouldn't believe the line at security. I'm so sorry I'm late."

"Yes Mrs. Calvert," replies the man behind the counter as he shuffles some papers, "We were just about to call you. May I see your driver's license please?"

Retrieving my wallet from my purse I pull out my license and hand it to the man as I begin to look around for Tam. Before I can look too much, the man hands me back my license, and passes over some papers.

"Please sign here, and here." He says pointing to the papers.

Once done, he hands me a copy then indicates behind me. "There you go. You all have a nice day now."

Turning around I find the sullen girl is standing behind me. It takes me a few seconds to realize, she's really a he.

"Tam?"

Standing before me is a small, slender boy, dressed in very worn jeans, that once upon a time might have been black, black canvas sneakers that are in desperate need of replacement, a tee shirt with some unidentified band logo on the front, a grey hoodie and a jean jacket with the sleeves cut off. He has long light brown, almost dirty blonde hair that reaches his shoulders, a heart-shaped face, striking cheekbones and large, blue-grey eyes that would be beautiful, if they weren't currently hiding behind a scowl.

"Amy?" he replies questioningly almost sarcastically.

"It's Mommy, Tam."

"Amy." He says with finality.

I had opened my arms, but soon drop them seeing no inclination on his part to want to touch.

Clearing my throat, I say, "Well, I assume you have luggage, so why don't we head on down to baggage claim, and then we can get on home."

Tam turns and starts walking; I quickly follow and walk next to him.

"Would you like me to carry your guitar?"

"I've got it."

"Well how about your backpack? It looks heavy."

"No, it's okay."

Sighing, I realize that this is not going to be easy. I knew that under the best circumstances it wouldn't be but it looks like Tam isn't going to help much, if at all.

We walk the rest of the way to baggage claim in silence. All the while I'm wracking my brain for some way to break the ice, but nothing comes to mind.

Once there Tam moves over to the carousel, first pulling a battered suitcase off, then shortly afterwards, an equally battered looking guitar case. Once collected, he brings them over to where I'm waiting and quickly opens the guitar case. He pulls out a gleaming rosewood guitar, and examines it in detail.

"Is it alright?"

"It looks like it is but I won’t know for sure until I can tighten the strings and tune it, then I'll be able to tell for sure. I was worried it wouldn't make it in the hold."

"It's very pretty. I'd like to hear you play sometime."

From where he's kneeling on the floor, he looks up at me with an almost questioning look, but doesn't answer.

"Are these all your bags, you don't have anything else?"

"This is it, I don't need much."

His mask falls back into place again, and sighing again from my frustration, I say, "You can't carry everything, so let me help. How about you manage the guitars, and I'll carry your pack and suitcase."

Standing, Tam shrugs off his backpack, and hands it and his suitcase over to me. I'm not super tall and Tam only comes up to my shoulder, but he must be stronger than he looks as I almost drop both when I take them. It feels like he packed both with books; they're so heavy.

With a small grunt I take them and after giving him what I hope is an encouraging smile I say, "Follow me, we've got a little walk to get to the car."

Tam picks up the guitar cases, and after making sure he's following, I lead the way out of the airport and to the car.

Chapter 3

As soon as we get outside, I shift the guitars around so I can fish a cigarette out of my jacket pocket. Placing the slightly bent cig in my mouth, I pull out the second thing Dad left me, his lighter and I light up taking in a lungful of smoke. After the hours spent on the plane and the tense situation with Amy, I need it!

Between the crisp morning air, the altitude, and the fact I haven't had a smoke in almost twenty-four hours, I get a pleasant buzz, and slightly light-headed.

Soon we arrive at a large blue Honda Pilot and Amy turns towards me.

"Here we are. In another hour or so we'll be home and….what are you doing? Put out that cigarette, right now!"

You've got to be kidding me, fine time to get all motherly on me. Taking one last drag, while keeping eye contact, I let the cigarette drop, then rub it out with the toe of my shoe. I then let the smoke out slowly, as if to say I was done with it anyway.

I can tell that Amy wants to say something, but she holds off. Instead, she opens the back of the Pilot, and we load my stuff on top of a couple of realty signs. I guess that's what she does.

I damn near need a ladder to climb into this thing, but finally settle into the front passenger seat. Once settled, I put on my sunglasses, and lay my head back as if to take a nap.

Once in herself, Amy looks my way, and after a few seconds, gives another of her frequent sighs, then starts the car and off we go.

While Amy drives, I have a chance to check her over, and to try to process all that's happened so far. When I first saw her I had no idea who she was. I've never seen a picture of her, Dad never talked about her, and I was thinking that maybe I got my looks from her; not bloody likely!

Amy's a good head taller than me, blonde and with a great figure. In fact I find it hard to believe that she can be my mother as she looks like she's in her mid to late twenties, and not in her mid-thirties or something. Mum's a hot one, and I can see why Dad went after her, she's definitely his type in the looks department; lots of curves, and legs that reach all the way to the ground.

I suppose it's a bit odd to be thinking of my own mother like this, but I haven't seen her since I was a baby, and have no memory of her. To me she's just a stranger, a very attractive stranger. It's not like I'm going to try to bang her or anything.

I have no doubts about my sexuality, I like girls, and I always have. Unfortunately, girls at best ignore me, treating me as a little kid, and not a bloke to be interested in sexually. Maybe I can change that here. Dad and I were always travelling so developing a relationship was impossible, but maybe here it will be different. Of course it would help if I'd get my growth spurt.

I shift in my seat from my own frustration. Amy turns her head briefly towards me and smiles.

"I thought you dozed off. You must be tired, after all the travel and the chaos of the past few weeks."

There's really no way I can avoid talking with her, so sitting up straighter I look around. We're travelling along the freeway, a large mountain range is to our right, and to the left the horizon is far away.

"The sky's so blue. What are those mountains?"

"Yeah, it's going to be a nice clear day. Those are the Rocky Mountains. We'll be home in about an hour, you can take a nap then if you want."

"It's in Denver?"

"No, Boulder. Twenty-five square miles surrounded by reality."

At my confused look, Amy gives a small laugh. She has a nice laugh. Damn.

"Boulder is its own little world. I don't think it ever left the seventies. I like it though. I hope you do too. Our house is right on the edge of town. Fair warning, most smoking is banned downtown, and I don't want it in the house either. I guess I can't stop you from smoking, but I can at least keep it out of my house. When did you start smoking anyway?"

"A couple years ago." I wait for her to either give me the talk on the evils of smoking or to bash Dad for letting me start but it never comes. Actually, Dad was pissed when I started. He didn't want me to start on the vices he himself had. The reason I started was I thought it would make me appear older, and everyone says how it deepens the voice. I'd kill to have mine deepen. No such luck yet, and now I'm hooked.

"So that's going to be one of the house rules, no smoking inside, think you can live with that?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"You might want to think about quitting anyway. Like I said, there's almost nowhere in town you can smoke, they really crack down on places selling to minors, the cost for a pack is pretty high, and come winter, you'll freeze your ass off smoking in a snow-drift."

I never expected to hear my Mum say 'ass', and in surprise I look over to her, and see her smile at me in return.

"Melissa and Katrina, your sisters, are really looking forward to seeing you. They don't remember much about you except you were still a baby when you left."

"What are they like?"

"Do you remember them at all?"

I shake my head.

"Well, I suppose you wouldn't. They're like night and day in a lot of ways. Melissa takes after me physically. She's very outgoing, always organizing everyone and everything around her. Very much the take charge type. Her sister Katrina is a bit taller and dark. Where Melissa is blonde, with green eyes and fair skin, Katrina is slender, with dark brown hair, hazel eyes, and a permanent tan that I'd kill for. She's also not quite as outgoing as her sister, but still very popular. Just about everyone calls her Kat.

"Their current interest is seeing if they can't get their little garage band going. I told them they can take a year off before college to give it a try. They're not too bad really, so they may be able to get somewhere. I assume you can play those guitars?"

At her question I nod my head.

"Well then, maybe you can play with them sometime. I'm sure they'd like that."

"We'll see." I reply as I gaze out the window. Hopefully and with any luck Amy won't suggest this to my sisters. I really don't want to get pulled into some garage band, especially if they aren't any good, and it's been my experience that garage bands are rarely good.

There's another thing as well, now don't get me wrong, I love music, both playing and singing. You can't grow up on the road with a band, and not like it, otherwise you'd go crazy. But all of that I did with my Dad, all of my music history included him, and I don't know if that is something I can or even want to share. For now, I know I just want to hold onto it by myself.

*****************************************

I suppress a sigh, as Tam once again closes down, and retreats behind his walls. I can't really blame him; his entire world has been turned upside-down. It's going to take some time to get through to him. I just wish that I knew what his father told him about our divorce. That would at least give me a starting point with him.

I continue to mull things over in my head for the rest of the trip, hoping for some inspiration on how to handle things. As it is, I’m flying by the seat of my pants; hoping I don't mess things up too bad.

Eventually we get home and pull onto the drive.

"Well here we are, home sweet home. I hope you don't mind, but in order to get you your own room, you'll be taking over the office above the garage. I've had everything cleared out of it, and I hope you like how we set it up. If there's anything you think you need, let me know, and we'll see about getting it. Unfortunately, we are limited as to bathrooms. There's the one in the master bedroom, and the one the girls use, and they use it frequently. Don't worry though, we'll figure some sort of schedule out."

Tam is staring out the window at the house. "It's so big. Everything here is so big."

"Is it so different from what you're used to?"

"Well, when we were on the road, we'd usually be in some cramped quarters to save some dosh. Rented a tiny flat in Newham for when we weren’t travelling. That's kinda East London; stuck between the East End and Essex. They spent a whole load of money in the north part to spruce it up for the Olympics, but not the area we were in. Our flat was pretty titchy, certainly nothing this grand!"

"It's hardly grand, but it's not too bad either, and it's your home now. Come on, let's get you settled."

At that, Tam gives me an almost scared look, which he quickly suppresses, then opens his door. I want so desperately to hold him, and tell him that everything will be alright. I know that I can't, not yet anyway. This poor kid seems like a frightened deer in a lot of ways, and I suspect that he feels like I abandoned him all those years ago.

As we get out of the car, Melissa and Katrina come out, the excitement and curiosity evident on their faces. Tam looks like a scared rabbit, and quickly joins me at the back of the car.

"Hi Tam," says Melissa.

"Welcome home Tam," says Katrina.

"Um…h-hello."

"Tam, that's Mellissa on the left and Katrina on the right. Girls, grab a bag, and help us unload."

The girls each quickly snatch up a guitar case, then with their arms linked with Tam's, and him firmly between them; they all but drag him inside the house.

Shaking my head, I pull out Tam's suitcase and backpack, both of which I swear are packed with iron bars, and follow after.

Inside, I follow the sound of the girls' chatter as they take Tam up to his room. Poor Tam doesn't stand much of a chance against the girls. They're a bit of a force of nature, and maybe that's not such a bad thing. Maybe it will help draw him out a bit.

By time I get up to the room, the girls have him pinned between them sitting on the bed, taking turns asking him questions, but not giving him much time to answer before the next one asks another.

"Alright girls, that's enough. You keep that up, and you'll scare him away….or give him whiplash trying to keep up."

"Okay Mom," replies Katarina.

"Sorry Tam," says Melissa. Turning to me she adds, "Mom, we're going over to Jen's for a bit, if that's okay? We need to study, and we'll be meeting Joan, Amy and Mesha there too, to work on our music."

"That's fine. Will you be here for dinner?"

"No," answers Katrina, "we'll order a pizza. We really need to get this song moved along."

"Fine, get some money out of my purse for the pizza, and don't be back too late."

They agree then turn back to Tam and say goodbye, accompanied with hugs and kisses.

At Tam's rather stunned look, I can't help but let out a little chuckle.

"They're not that bad all the time, trust me. They're just really excited to see you. Well I guess it's just the two of us. I suspect that you're rather tired from travelling, and need to get settled. If you want, you can lie down and take a bit of a nap."

"I am pretty knackered; if you don't mind that is."

"I don't mind at all. Would you like help unpacking? "

"No, I can handle it."

*****************************************

"Alright then. Bathroom is down the hall a bit on your right. If you're not up in a few hours, I'll come wake you so you can sleep tonight."

"Okay, thanks Amy."

I close the door as I leave, and send a silent prayer to the girls for giving us some time alone today. I finally told them the circumstances of the divorce, and I wanted a chance to tell Tam on my own. I don't know how much of it he knows, but he deserves to hear my side of things.

*****************************************

Oh…My…Lord! I think to myself.

I hardly know what to think of my sisters. They're both smokin' hot, and if they weren't my sisters I'd love to give 'em one, either of them. I stop myself with a smile thinking that Dad would have given me a clout for using slang. It was one of his pet peeves, and he didn't want me to get in the habit.

He always said that knowing, and using slang was fine, if you did it on purpose to make a point, but that you should use proper speech the rest of the time. He said that if I ever wanted to be a singer or write songs, I needed to be in the habit of communicating to the widest possible audience.

He also probably would have knocked me into next week; for having such dirty thoughts about my sisters. When Melissa hugged me, my face was mostly pressed into her lovely cleavage, and I can still smell her perfume. By time she released me, I was well on my way to having a stiffy, which having Katrina hug me, finished. Blushing, I had to quickly sit down before anyone noticed. That doesn't happen to me very often, and it really took me by surprise.

I must be one sick perv to think such thoughts, but hell, I have no memory of them, they're both strangers to me, and anyone can see they’re both hot. Calm down now, just calm down. They're off limits, but maybe they have some friends they can introduce me to.

As I idly continue my fantasy of being introduced to all of my sisters' beautiful friends I take stock of my new room, and am impressed. Right now there's only a bed, dresser, night table and a lamp in here, but the bed's a queen size, and the room itself is damn near as big as our old flat. There's a large bay window at one end where I can sit and look out at the forest behind the house. Mum must do pretty well.

I stretch out on the bed and go over all that's happened today, but before I can get very far, I soon fall asleep.

Chapter 4

I get up from the kitchen table when I hear someone coming down the hall. Just as I rise, a still obviously tired Tam walks in rubbing his eyes.

"Well, good afternoon. Did you have a good rest?"

"I think so; I was really out of it."

"I'm not surprised; you've had a really long day. I'm glad you're up though, I was just thinking of going to wake you, so you'd be able to sleep tonight. Are you hungry? I was just about to fix myself a grilled cheese sandwich, would you like one? We also have other things."

"I am hungry, a grilled cheese sounds good. Thank you."

I turn and start to prepare the sandwiches. "We've got all sorts of things to drink in the fridge, help yourself.

As I cut the bread and cheese, Tam gets a soda out of the fridge then sits at the table.

"Hey, this is my Dad."

Looking over my shoulder I see that Tam is going through the photo album I had been looking at. I finish putting the sandwiches together, put them in the Panini press, then turn, and smiling, go and look over Tam's shoulder.

"He was such a handsome man. That long dark hair and his liquid, dark brown eyes...hmm, I fell hard for him the first time I saw him."

Tam gets quieter and says, "But you didn't stay with him, you left." The 'us' or more likely the 'me' being left unsaid.

I pull our sandwiches from the press, and join him at the table. Tam, concentrating on his sandwich, and the crumbs on his plate, is most notably not looking at me.

"When I…"

"You don't have to say anything," Tam interrupts, "I understand."

"No, you have a right to know. I owe you that much. Tam, I know it's probably too late to be any sort of mother to you, but I'd still like to be your friend? You need to hear everything, so you can decide how you want this relationship to be, okay?"

Still avoiding my eyes, Tam replies, "I guess."

"Thank you. Now let's see, when I was in high school, I dated a boy by the name of Chad Miller. Everyone thought that we were the perfect couple. He was the quarterback on the football team..."

"And you were the head cheerleader?"

Smiling I say, "As a matter a fact, I was. I was also very naive. I thought I knew it all, and I was in love with the idea of being in love. Chad and I were going to graduate, go to college, then marry and live happily ever after. Well, in our senior year I got pregnant, and all of those dreams started to crash around me.

"Chad immediately freaked, and I started to see less and less of him. My folks, your grandparents, wanted me to seriously consider abortion, and before getting pregnant, I always thought I would have in this situation; but it's amazing how actually being pregnant changes things. It's something that’s almost impossible to describe, but I knew I had to keep them.

"Chad stopped seeing me altogether, once I told him I wanted to keep the child. I didn't know I was carrying twins at that point. Anyway, Chad disappeared, I graduated, and come December gave birth to your sisters.

"I couldn't have done it without your grandparents help; it meant that the following spring I could start at the University. When I wasn't at school, I was home with the girls; taking care of them, and studying at the same time, never taking time to relax. Fortunately your sisters were pretty good babies, and didn’t make it too hard on me.

"Well, a friend of mine saw how hard things were, and convinced me that I could take one night off. My grades were good, and I wasn't behind in any classes. Your grandparents offered to watch the girls, so I agreed.

"She had backstage tickets to this concert, and so we went. That's where I met your father. Oh my, your father, as I said, was so very handsome, and he could charm a snake out of his skin; he certainly charmed me. We fell in love.

"Your father continued on tour, he had commitments after all, and I thought I'd never see him again. Six weeks later he showed up at my door. The concert series was over, and he decided to move here.

"As I said, we fell in love, and we fell hard. He absolutely doted on the girls; he was so good with them. Well, we decided to get married. At the time he was doing very well financially, and so we married, got a little place in Denver, and it wasn't much longer that you were born. Oh how he loved you. As I said, he was always good with the girls, but you were something else. From the moment you were born, you had him wrapped around your little finger. No matter how sad or upset your father would get, just seeing you would make his face light up. You were his life.

"Your father started doing studio work, and insisted that I finish college. We were both very busy, but we always made time, even if it was just a little while, to snuggle with each other, and with you kids. It was one of the happiest times of my life.

"Then things started to go wrong. Our finances started to dry up. Your father was getting pressure to go back to work in Europe, but the thought of moving to the other side of the world frightened me. We started to fight, usually about money. Your father had no concept of saving, and if he wanted something, and had the money, then he'd get it and it didn't matter at the time if that money was needed for rent or other bills.

"Your father was one of the most handsome men I think I've ever seen, and it wasn't just my opinion there was always some girl, or girls, trying to get him in bed. I never had anything to worry about until things got really bad and we fought about moving to Europe. I was so very scared of doing that. It was stupid of me; I know that now, but at the time…well I let the fear take hold."

"One day I came home, and one of the many girls trying to get him to bed had succeeded; I found them in bed together. I was devastated. We both knew our marriage was over, so we made the decision to divorce. Although the marriage was over, I never stopped loving your father, and we agonized over what we would do about you. I knew how much he loved you, and I also knew that if you were taken away from him, it would ruin him. The hardest thing I have ever done was agreeing to let him have custody of you, it almost killed me. It probably would have if it hadn't been for your sisters."

"Things went well at first, with writing him, and he even made the occasional trip back here so I could see you. Over time, that changed. Your father was never a good correspondent, and for some reason he stopped letting me know where you were. Every now and then, I'd find out, but all my letters were returned, and I could never get him on the phone."

"Could I have done things differently or tried harder? Sure, in retrospect I could have. All I can tell you is I tried to do the best thing, the right thing at the time. I've never stopped thinking of you Tam, or hoping that one day I could be reunited with you. I'm just so very sorry it had to be this way. For all of his faults, your father was a very good man, and I can see he was a pretty good father too."

*****************************************

As soon as Amy is done talking she gets up. The emotion is strong in her voice, and I can tell she's on the verge of crying; I'm pretty close to that myself. She takes our now empty plates, and puts them in the sink. I look up and see her standing there, looking out the window. My eyes are watering up, and I know she's waiting for me to say something, but I don't know what to say.

Dad would never talk about Mum, and would snap whenever I'd ask. All I just heard shatters everything I thought about what happened, and why Mum left us. I see it wasn't that simple.

After several minutes of silence, Mum says in a voice I have to strain to hear, "Tam, you must never think that I wasn't there because of you, that it was your fault. I screwed up; I wasn't strong, or brave enough. Maybe if I had been…"

The raw emotion is too much for me to take, and I start to reach out to her, but then I'm frightened, and instead of going to her, I run out of the kitchen and back up to my room.

Flinging myself onto my bed, I cry into my pillow, berating myself for being too much of a coward to reach out to her, for hating her for deserting us, for deserting me. For so long, I had built her up in my mind as someone uncaring, and myself as being unworthy. If I wasn't blaming her for abandoning me, I was blaming myself for driving her away.

I can see that everything was far more complicated than I assumed, but it fit with knowing how Dad was. He kept things to himself; he hated showing vulnerability to anyone. I'll probably never know why he broke contact with Mum, but I think I can start to believe that I wasn't at fault, and maybe it wasn't entirely hers either.

I must have dozed off, because when I awaken I see Amy sitting in the bay window, looking out at the gathering dark. When I shift on the bed she turns, and seeing me awake, gives me a sad smile.

"I hope you'll be able to sleep tonight." she says. Then looking around the room, she continues, "we definitely have to get you more things, this room is too Spartan. I didn't know what your tastes were, so I only got the basics. We'll go shopping this weekend if you want. I think we'll have to in any case, if that's all you brought." nodding towards my suitcase.

Feeling slightly embarrassed I say, "I've never had very much. We were always travelling, so we had to keep things light."

"Well you're settled now, at least for the next couple of years, so you won't have to worry about that. Why don't you get up and join me downstairs. I've fixed a big pot of spaghetti for dinner. I hope you like it."

Amy gives me a smile and walks out, closing the door behind her.

Dinner is great, neither one of us mentions the earlier conversation; I'm still trying to process it all and really don't know what to say, not yet at any rate.

Amy fills me in on what it's like living here. I always assumed that everyone in places like Colorado skied; apparently Amy doesn't, preferring instead to stay inside next to a roaring fire. My sisters do like to ski, and every winter spend a good portion of their winter break up at one of the resorts. I've never skied, myself, who knows; maybe this winter I can give it a try?

After helping Amy clean up dinner and wash the dishes, Amy turns to me with a smile as if to say she just thought of something.

"Tam, will you help me with something? I need to get something down from the attic, if it's still there that is."

"Sure." I reply.

Going upstairs, Amy pulls a long stick with a hook on one end from the hall closet, and uses it to open a large trap door in the ceiling. Attached to the trap door is a ladder which she unfolds, and then proceeds to climb.

Waiting for Amy, I hear her talking to herself as she shifts things around looking for something.

"Ah ha, found it!" and with that Amy disappears up into the attic. Soon her face re-appears, smiling broadly. "Sometimes it pays off being a pack rat, and not getting rid of anything. Ta da!"

With her triumphant exclamation she passes down to me a folding guitar stand.

"Here take this. I've got another one here too. It's missing a couple of screws, or whatever, but we may be able to find something on the workbench in the garage."

Climbing down the ladder, Amy hands me the other stand. While she folds up the ladder, I check out the stand, and see that all that's missing are two little bolts that hold the folding legs on.

With genuine gratitude I say, "I think I can fix this, thank you Amy."

Smiling broadly, Amy replies, "I'm glad I remembered them. We put them up there when we installed the wall mounted ones in the garage. I think the other one is okay."

We go into my room, and unfolding the first one, I see there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. "This will work just fine. Thank you again Amy. I appreciate this."

"I'm just glad I remembered them"

"Um, Amy, I'd like to take a shower. Are there some towels I can use?"

"Oh, I forgot to mention it, you have the blue towels on the rack behind the door. Help yourself to the shampoo, conditioner, whatever. If you have a different brand you'd like, just let me know, and we'll pick it up at the store next time we go. Also, if you leave your clothes outside your door, I'll toss them into the wash."

"Thanks Amy."

"Well if you need anything else, just give a holler."

Smiling, Amy leaves, and I put my suitcase on the bed and open it up. What greets me is a huge mess. I had a large bottle of shampoo, and it looks like the cap came off. I cry out, and quickly pull out my mini-amp and unwrap it. Sighing in relief, it looks like the bag I had it in kept it safe. The same is true of most of my Dad's music, although the corner of some of it did take a hit. My carton of cigarettes weren't so lucky; thankfully the individual packs are wrapped.

"Tam, is everything okay? I heard you call out."

I step aside, and Amy sees my open suitcase.

"Oh dear, what happened?"

"It looks like the bottle of shampoo I had, opened up. My clothes are soaked with it, but it looks like there's no lasting damage. In the meantime, I have nothing to wear."

"Hmm, I might have a temporary solution for you there, come with me."

I follow Amy downstairs to the basement, to what is obviously a storage room.

"Looks like my bad habits are paying off again," says Amy, as she pulls out a large box and hands it to me. "I've been meaning to take that to Goodwill to donate, but I've kept putting it off. There might be something in there you can wear, until I can get your clothes clean. Take that up to your room, and we'll go through it. I'll be right behind you; I want to grab the laundry basket to put your messy clothes in."

The box is almost too much to handle. It isn't so much heavy as big and awkward. Amy follows me with the laundry basket, and a large black refuse bag.

"Why don't you put the clothes in the basket, and anything that can't be saved in the trash bag? Lordy what a mess! I'll have to rinse them out well, before I can even put them in the machine, we might not be able to save your suitcase."

With Amy's help, we get everything separated out. As Amy picks up the laundry basket, she says, "Why don't you go through the box and see if there isn't anything that you can wear until we get this mess clean? I'll be right back; I want to get the clothes you're wearing in the wash too."

As Amy leaves, I open up the box.

*****************************************

Once I'm downstairs in the laundry room, I dump the whole load of clothes into the utility sink, and start the water to soak. It's going to take several rinses to get enough of the shampoo out to put them in the washer.

As I separate the clothes, and begin rinsing them, I can't help but note that, first of all, Tam only has a couple shirts and pants, and that second, they're all rather worn. It doesn't look like Tam and his father were doing very well. While he was resting after our talk, I checked out the area they had an apartment in and East London isn't the greatest part of town from what I could see. From everything I can tell, they were just scraping by.

Leaving the clothes to soak, I dry my hands and head back upstairs to help Tam. Although emotional, I think our talk earlier helped. Tam seems a bit more open with me, but no matter what, he needed to hear my side of things. Hopefully it helped.

Back up in Tam's room, I find him sitting on his bed with a pained expression on his face, looking into the box I had him bring up. I figured that would be the least of his reactions when he saw what was in there.

Seeing me come in he says, "I can't wear any of this, these are girls clothes."

Chuckling I reply, "I'm not suggesting we switch out your entire wardrobe," picking up one of the skirts on top I add, "Although this is such a cute skirt; I love the color." At his pained look I say, "I'm kidding, but let's go through this, there has to be something fairly generic that will tide you over until I can get your clothes washed. It's just for tonight and we're not going anywhere."

With no enthusiasm at all, Tam replies, "I guess."

"That's the spirit. Now let's see what we have here." Tam's right, most of this stuff won't do at all. Melissa has always been a very girly girl, and until fairly recently, Kat was more of the tomboy. I'm hoping that something in here will work.

Rummaging through the box I pull some items out. "Here, how about this?" and I hold up a pair of black yoga shorts. "They look like they'll fit, if a little snug, they're light enough to use as underwear, and you can wear this over them." I toss him a pair of grey warm-up pants. When he first sees the pants he looks hopeful, until he sees "LOVE PINK" in large pink lettering across the back. I can't help but laugh a bit at his expression. "Well it's either them, or the pink pants with the blue lettering, unless you changed your mind about the skirt that is."

"Ahh, I guess it'll work for tonight." Tam actually blushes when he takes the clothes.

"Okay then, why don't you take those, and get into the shower? Toss what you're wearing out into the hall, and I'll get them washed too. In the meantime, I'll also go through here, and see if I can't find a plain tee-shirt or something for you to wear on top."

Tam heads off to the bathroom, and after straightening up the clothes, I slide the box against the wall. There are a couple of tee-shirts that might do, and I leave them on his bed.

Tam tosses his clothes out into the hall, so I gather them up, and take them downstairs. I leave them in a pile, figuring Tam wouldn't appreciate me running the washer in the middle of his shower, so I go back upstairs and fix some coffee, then hop onto my computer to catch up on some work.

The sound of the front door slamming, then Melissa yelling out "Mom, we're home!" breaks my concentration. Sighing I log off, and go out to the living room.

"What are you two doing back so early? I thought you were going to be longer. Did you eat, or even have time to practice, and get all your homework done?"

"Jen's little brother was running around the kitchen, and fell and cut his head. They don’t think it's too bad but it's bleeding like crazy, so they took him to the hospital to see if he needed stitches. We did get our homework done, and what practice we did wasn't too bad," answers Melissa, "The song is pretty much done, we need to work on the instrumentation some more, and get it all pulled together; that's what we're going to do tomorrow after school, and this weekend. Speaking of which, we were wondering if it would be alright if Mesha, Joan and Jen could spend the night Friday and Saturday. It would give us more time to work on it."

"Melissa, we talked about this, your brother just got here. This is going to be a tough time for him, and we all need to get acquainted, get to know each other."

Interrupting, Melissa says, "We thought of that Mom, maybe he'd like to hang with us. It looks like he's into music and all; we saw the guitar cases he has. We'll really make sure he's included in everything. Please Mom?"

"Katrina?" I ask.

"We'll make sure he isn't left out Mom. We really do need to work on things, if we're to be ready for that talent scout. You know we'll never get another chance like this."

Both girls stand there looking at me with pleading eyes, and they're right. The girls have an opportunity to meet with a talent scout for a record label, and they're pretty good. Good enough to maybe get that lucky break. Sighing, I concede. "Okay, but you have to promise to include him. We really need to make sure he knows he has a family with us. The last thing I want is to make him think he's an outsider; that probably can't be helped, but I'd rather keep the time he thinks that to as short a time as possible."

Excited both girls say "We promise." Melissa adds, "We’ll go tell him right now."

"Hold on, he's in the shower. Wait until he gets out at least. So tell me, what do you two think of your brother? I know you've only spent a few minutes with him so far, but what are your first impressions?"

"Well-lll," starts Kat, "We haven't had much time to get to know him."

"He's rather pretty," adds Melissa, "I mean, he's what, a bit more than a year younger than us? He looks like he's like two or three years younger, and his face is so, so…"

"Striking," interjects Kat. "He has those large eyes, and delicate bone structure. Do you think he's gay? It wouldn't matter…"

"No, it wouldn't matter at all…"

"Whoa," I say putting up my hands, "Slow down you two, and where did that come from? Since when did how you looked, determine if you were gay or not. You two know better than that."

"Sorry Mom," replies Melissa, "It's just that…I don't know it's hard to describe…"

"He puts off girl vibes, not boy vibes,” adds Kat.

"That's it. When we met him that's exactly how it felt like."

"You two are nuts, and you are absolutely not to ask him, is that clear? You are to make every effort to make him feel welcome and comfortable here, and you prying into his sexuality won't help that.

"Now I heard the shower go off, so give him a few minutes before you descend on him, okay? I've got to go downstairs and start some laundry; some of his clothes got messed up. I'll be up in a bit. I fixed spaghetti, and I'll get the pasta on in a little while."

"Okay Mom." they both reply. And I head on downstairs.

Chapter 5

The shower felt wonderful. I didn't realize just how grimy I actually was, until I got clean. I think I could have spent most of the rest of the day just letting the hot water pound on my back, relaxing the muscles, but I figured I better not.

Turning the water off, I wring the water from my hair and step out. The towels Amy gave me are large and thick, and soon I'm dry. I comb my fingers through my hair, to try to give it some order, then eye the shorts and joggers Amy had given me. Sighing with resignation, I grab the shorts and pull them on. I've always worn fairly snug underwear but this is ridiculous. The shorts are very tight, and once on, I'm so compressed, that looking at myself in the mirror it looks like I don't have anything there at all. The weird thing is, it isn't at all uncomfortable.

Figuring I can always take them off if it does get uncomfortable, I pull on the joggers. The fit is good, almost perfect, and if it wasn't for the "LIKE PINK" plastered across my bum I wouldn't mind wearing these all the time. As I continue to look at myself, I change my mind. Maybe these aren't that good of an idea after all. Being this snug wouldn't be that bad on a girl, but for me? Ah screw it, like Amy said, it's just for tonight, and who will see me?

After putting my towel up, I head back to my room to see if Amy found a tee-shirt or something that I can wear.

There's several laid out, but they're all rather girly. While I'm trying to decide which one is the least feminine, I hear someone coming down the hall. Turning I see the girls heading my way, and when they see that I've notice them, they wave, and Melissa says "Hey Tam, got a sec? We want to ask you something."

"Um, sure, I guess. I'm just trying to find out which shirt to wear."

Kat and Melissa give each other a cryptic look, after giving me a head to toe look, and I'm beginning to feel a bit self-conscious.

Kat says, "That one with the blue piping is nice…hey wait a minute, that looks like my old shirt."

"It is," I reply, "I had a bottle of shampoo open up in my suitcase and all my stuff got slimed. Your Mum got me this stuff to wear, until mine could get washed."

"Our Mom you mean, and I think I have something you'll like better, hold on." With that, Kat turns and jogs down to her room.

"So that's what Mom meant about your clothes getting messed up." says Melissa. "Those used to be my pants and they're super comfortable. I got a pair just like them to replace those. They look pretty good on you too."

I feel embarrassed and really don't know what to say. It's nice that they aren't teasing me or anything, for wearing their old clothes. Fortunately Kat comes back just then, with a black tee-shirt in her hand. Tossing it to me she says, "Here, try this one. It won’t be tight, and it's not as girly."

Opening it up I see it has the rainbow prism logo of Pink Floyd's 'The Dark Side Of The Moon' on the front.

"Thanks Katrina, and I turn my back to them, and pull the shirt over my head.

Before I can pull it down past my shoulders, Melissa stops me, and exclaims, "You have a tattoo…Oh my God, how did you get those scars?"

"Is that a dragon?" adds Katrina.

"Oh, ah no, it's a wyvern, they're kinda like dragons, but smaller, and only have two legs, and I've had the scars for a while." On the back of my left shoulder, I have a three inch tattoo of a wyvern I got on my fifteenth birthday. It's very graphical and stylized. The scars came from that incident with the stage worker a few years back, and are several parallel scars, eight to ten inches long across the lower part of my back.

Pulling the shirt down, I say, "Those scars put Dad in jail for about three months."

Appalled, Melissa exclaims, "Your father gave you those scars? How awful."

"No, no, that's not what I meant. No, you see someone else…well there was this guy, and he gave them to me. When Dad caught him, he almost killed him, that's what I meant."

In a soft, almost hushed voice Katrina asks, "Why did that guy do that to you?"

The incident is something I've tried very hard to forget, and has never been easy for me to talk about, but for some reason I try to answer her.

"He…there was a concert that Dad was part of a couple of years ago, just outside Hamburg, Germany. There were a bunch of bands getting together to do it. Anyway, for something that big, you really need to hire outside help to get everything done. One of the local roadies that was hired…well during the concert, while Dad was on stage, this guy came to our trailer. Normally I'm back stage while Dad's doing his gig, but this time I wasn't feeling too well, so I laid down in our trailer. Well, I got the scars when this guy whipped me to make me…."

"Anyway, Dad finished up his gig, and normally he'd hang around the stage area, but he was concerned about me. Well he caught this guy, and smashed his Fender over this guy’s head. I was kinda out of it, but I remember looking up at him, and thinking some avenging angel had come to rescue me, and he did.

"Well that guy’s head got caved in, and he almost didn't survive. Dad got hauled off to jail for attempted murder, and it took almost seven months to get everything fully cleared up. Dad spent three of those months actually in jail, and it took all of our savings to get him completely free and acquitted."

"Oh my God Tam, how awful." Suddenly Melissa is pulling me into a hug, and Katrina is soon on my other side hugging me too. At first I'm just embarrassed, but then all I can think about is how nice it is to be held by them, and how great they both smell. I think that from now on, the smell of their perfume will bring back that feeling of contentment.

*****************************************

I eventually get most of the shampoo out of Tam's clothes, and get them in the washer. With that done, I go back up to the kitchen to get the pasta going, and to heat up some garlic bread. As soon as I have everything going, I go upstairs to get Tam's suitcase so we can get it outside to rinse out. I don't have a lot of hope that it's salvageable, but we'll try.

The sight that greets me when I reach his room makes me smile. Kat is sprawled across the bed near the headboard, and she and Tam are in a deep discussion about music; Melissa is sitting behind Tam joining in as she brushes his hair. The whole scene is a family memory I'll cherish. I'm so happy that things are off to such a great start.

The kids don't even notice me, as I gather up the suitcase and leave. As I'm walking back down the hall, I'm startled by the feeling I got, seeing the three of them together; the three of them looked like sisters, Kat was right, Tam does give off girl vibes.

After tossing the suitcase on the back deck to be dealt with later, I go into the kitchen to check on dinner. As I do, I think about Tam, and realize that it doesn’t' matter what kind of 'vibe' he gives off, he's my son, and it's so nice to have him back with me. I suspect that this household, having had nothing but girls in it, probably is coloring my perceptions quite a bit.

Chapter 6

I never thought that I would fit in here, that Mum and my sisters would even want me, but I do fit in. Oh, we’re still getting used to each other, and I admit I’m still rather shy around my family and their friends. I’ve always been a loner, it’s always been just me and Dad, so it’s hard getting used to having so many people constantly around.

Melissa and Kat won’t let me stay by myself for too long though. When their friends come over they’ll let me be for a bit, then they drag me down to join them. They mean well, but sometimes it’s annoying.

This past weekend their band got together to practice, and they’re surprisingly really good. The name of their band is called ‘Restless Girls’. Melissa is the lead , and has a really nice voice, she also plays some guitar. Katrina does keyboards, and she’s very good. The other three in the band are Joan, the lead guitarist, Jen who’s on bass and backup guitar, and Mesha their drummer. They’re all talented, but Mesha is just phenomenal. I’ve seen some really good drummers in very successful bands, and she’s as good as any of them. Watching her play is fun because you can tell she just goes off into her own little world.

They’ve asked me to join them a time or two, but for some reason I’ve felt too self-conscious to do so. When they asked me if I could sing, I just told them I don’t. I know if they hear me they’ll just make fun of me.

Usually, when they’re doing their practice, I’ll go to my room plug my headphones into my amp and play and sing. There’s no way I’ll be heard over the noise they make.

Tonight the band is together again; to work on the music for the song they want to demo for the talent scout. They seem to have hit a roadblock, and are having trouble getting past it. It’s making everyone short tempered. They all know what’s at stake, and they don’t want to blow their big chance.

Once everyone gets to the house, they all immediately head out to the garage to practice again. I’m in the kitchen helping Mum with the dishes.

“I want to thank you Tam.”

“Me? No need to thank me, I don’t mind doing the dishes.”

“Thank you for that, but that’s not what I meant. I don’t even know if you fully realize it, but for the last day and a half or so, you’ve been calling me ‘Mom’ more and more often. I can’t begin to tell you how good that makes me feel.”

Blushing I concentrate more on the pot I’m scrubbing. “I…you’re welcome.”

Standing behind me, Mum puts her hands on my shoulders, and I stop scrubbing. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you; I just wanted you to know how good that makes me feel. I’m so very envious of your father; he had all those years to see you grow, to see what a great kid you are.”

Blushing even more I mumble, “I like it here. I like you and my sisters. I’m sorry it’s taken this long to finally meet, and get to know you all.”

Kissing the top of my head, Mum says, “Well I’m glad it’s mutual. Now let me finish that, and you go help them.”

I give Mum a questioning look as she nods her head towards the garage. We can hear another heated discussion coming from there. It’s starting early tonight.

“You can help them.”

“Um…”

“No, listen. You’ve grown up all your life around music, and with one of the best musicians anywhere, and I’ve heard you up in your room playing, you are really good. I think they’re too close to it right now, and I think you can bring a fresh outside perspective to things. And by the sound of things, they need it. You love music, so do they, use that, help them Tam.”

“You think?”

Mum nods her head, and says, “I do. Now go get your guitar, before they say something they’ll regret.”

I walk out of the kitchen, and by time I get to the stairs I’m almost running. When I get to my room, I pause trying to decide which guitar to take. I finally decide on Dad’s, and head on down to the garage. When I get there Melissa, Kat and Joan are arguing. The atmosphere is tense, and putting on as cheerful expression as I can I say, “Hey guys, mind if I join you for a bit?”

When they see me with my guitar, they all pause in whatever they’re saying.

“You guys are trying too hard.” I say as I pull up a chair, and start checking the tune on my guitar.

“What?” asks Kat.

“We need to get this done Tam, we can’t waste time.” adds Melissa.

“You know when,” I ask, “you wake up, and you had this great dream, but the more you try to remember it, the more it slips away? Sometimes music is like that too, sometimes you have to go at it from a different direction.”

Mesha looks thoughtful and Jen asks, “How would you go about it?”

"Listen, you have the lyrics and the main chorus right?"

"Yeah," answers Melissa, "but we're missing something. I can almost see it in my head, I just can't get it out."

"Then don't try," and before she can reply I add, "You need to let it come to you. This is a fun song, full of energy, you guys wrote. It's about the summer, having fun, and experiencing it as only you can right now. When you play it, you want kids your age to say 'Yeah, this is what it's like,' when people older hear it they should remember this time in their life, and when kids younger hear it, you want them to feel like they can't wait to experience what you are; am I right?"

"That's it exactly. How did you know?"

"Well you guys haven't been all that quiet when you've been…shall we say discussing it?" I give them a smile. "Okay then, let's not push it, let's get the feeling you want in this with just music, it doesn't even have to go with the song yet, we just want the feeling you want then we’ll see where it leads."

"How?" asks Jen.

"We'll have a little jam session. Mesha, you like Santana, do you know 'Jingo'?" At her nod and smile I say, "Let's start with that beat, it fits the song, the rest of you, start feeling the music and when you want, jump on in."

Mesha starts off with a strong beat and leads me in nicely. We build the beat and music between us, back and forth we go, our smiles getting bigger. As the music comes around, Jen jumps in with her bass and we let her carry it for a while, soon Kat adds her keyboard and Joan starts playing counter point to my guitar. Melissa is nodding to the music; we're all smiling at how well we're melding. We continue like this for a while then I soften the pace and start incorporating the chorus that they've been working on for the past few days. Joan then leads off with her guitar and when we come around again it’s all their music and Melissa starts to sing. I'm just doing harmony to Joan and everyone is playing all out.

The music clicks and we feel it, the emotion that their song 'Summertime' had been trying to convey all this time breaks through, and we all know it. As they go around again, I drop out and just listen, they're doing great, and they know it; everyone is smiling. At the garage door I see Mum standing there and she's smiling too. She looks over towards me and mouths 'thank you', I just smile and nod my head.

The song ends on a strong note from Melissa, and as the quiet seeps back into the room, everyone is breathing hard and their eyes are bright with excitement, and not a few unshed tears.

"That was freaking awesome!" yells Joan.

Everyone starts talking excitedly at once and Melissa calls out, "Someone please tell me that we were recording this."

Mesha raises two thumbs up. "I almost didn't turn it on but we got it."

Joan comes over to me, and with a hand on either side of my face; she gives me a big kiss. "Thank you Tam."

Jen is next, and she does the same thing, followed by Kat and Melissa who also gives me a big hug, then Mesha who just punches me in the arm accompanied by a lopsided 'thanks'. Drummers, go figure.

By time they're all done my head is spinning, and I'm blushing like crazy.

Chapter 7

Knocking on Tam's door I call out, "Tam, are you decent?" Hearing a disgruntled "Yes" in reply, I open the door, and stick my head in. "What's wrong, you don't sound too happy?"

"Oh I was standing while putting my jeans on and my foot caught on the hole in my knee, and now they're buggered!."

Coming around to where he's sitting on the bed, I see what he means. From the knee down the leg is completely ripped. "Okay, no more putting it off, we're going shopping today."

"Aw, do we have to? I hate shopping."

"Yes we have to; you're running out of clothes. If you keep going like this, you'll be running around naked."

"Ugh, how about after lunch then?"

"Putting it off will only make it worse. You wait too long and your sisters will be home, and their shopaholics. If you don't like shopping now, you'll hate it with them. They could spend the entire day shopping, and if you wait until they get home, they'll insist on coming."

"I guess we could go now, let me change these jeans."

"Okay, I'll wait for you downstairs, and I'll even buy lunch while we're out."

Shopping with Tam is…interesting. I don't think he dislikes shopping so much as he really has no interest in it at all. Eventually we get enough to hold him for a while, and we stop to get some lunch at a little Mexican restaurant in the mall.

As we're waiting for our food to arrive I say, "That wasn’t so bad now was it?"

Smiling Tam replies, "No, not really."

"Good, now that I know your sizes, and have a general idea of what you like, I can do some more without having to drag you round with me."

"Sounds good to me." Tam says with a smile.

"I thought you'd like that. Now there's something I think you should know." At Tam's sudden serious expression I add, "It's nothing to worry about.

It's just when your father and I divorced, I got a life insurance policy on both of us so in case something happened, you'd be okay financially. We got the check and I've set up an account for you with me as trustee. You'll take full control of the account when you turn twenty-one, until then when you need money, I'll have to get it for you. The idea is to make sure you have it for college and such."

"Really? How much are we talking about?"

"Five-hundred thousand dollars."

"Oh my God!"

Smiling I say, "It should get you through college and help you get a place when you move out, buy a car, that sort of stuff. In the meantime I'll see it's invested well, so it should be a bit bigger when you get it."

"Thanks, I…I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything; it's there for when you need it. Now to change the subject, how's the band doing? I know what I think, but I'm a bit biased, and I'd like your opinion, you've been around it all your life."

"They're good, they're really good. Mesha is outstanding. She's one of the best drummers I've heard. Melissa has a very good voice with a wide range. Their song for the demo is done, and they've got it down; they're working on some others. All five are seriously hot, and have a natural look. I don't know how well they'd do in front of a crowd, but I think they'll do fine. If this talent scout they'll be seeing is worth his salt, they stand a really good chance I think."

At my sigh Tam asks, "That's not what you wanted to hear?"

"I'm conflicted. I thought they were good too, but there's a small part of me that almost wishes they weren't. I want them to be happy, and pursue their dreams, but there's a part of me that knows how hard and cruel the music business can be."

"I always hoped they'd go to college. Up until this year, when the band's success has really taken off they both said they wanted to go. I know that if they sign on with a music company, they'll put those plans on hold."

"It's difficult to let them go their own way. Just yesterday it seems like they were little girls. Ah well, I'll deal with it, every parent does."

Just then, we're interrupted by the waiter bringing our food.

"They cut the demo for the talent scout in two weeks right?" asks Tam.

"Almost, it's not this Friday, it's next Friday and then graduation on Saturday, and your birthday on Sunday. A jammed packed three days. I doubt any of us will get much sleep." At Tam's surprised look when I mentioned his birthday I add, "You didn't think we were going to forget about you did you? Ha, not a chance."

I can tell this makes him really happy, and I'm pleased. It seems like each day gets better and better between us, and I couldn't have asked for more.

*****************************************

When we get home, the band is in the garage practicing one of their songs. We give them a wave, unload the car, and take my stuff up to my room.

After I get my stuff put away, I head back downstairs. Just before I reach the kitchen I hear someone crying. It's Joan, and I stop and listen in.

"Oh Mrs. C, they're both being so mean to each other, I just can't stand it. They're both trying to use us against the other. I'll be moving out as soon as I can, so I can probably put up with it, but Aubrey is stuck right in the middle. I've tried talking to both of them to let them know how this is hurting us, but all they seem to care about is hurting each other, and be damned if it hurts Aub and I too."

"There, there. I've never understood how parents could use their kids to hurt the other so. Is there anything I can do?"

"Naw, just letting me cry on your shoulder is enough. I'll probably be spending a lot more time here though, and bringing Aubrey along with me if that's alright?"

"You're always welcome, you and your sister."

"Thanks Mrs. C, you sure though? I know you and Tam are still…"

At that point I head back to the stairs. Being curious is one thing, but I don't want to be a nosey parker. I go back up to my room to change into some of the new clothes, then head back downstairs. This time I make some more noise, and call out "Mum."

"In here Tam," Mum replies, as she comes out of the kitchen.

"Better?" I ask as I turn in place.

"Much better. Now you don't look like you're such a rag-a-muffin."

I give her an eye roll just as Joan comes out of the kitchen. Her eyes are red but she cheerfully says "Hey Tam, nice duds. Come on out to the garage and join us."

"Okay Joan, I'll be right out."

Joan smiles and goes outside, I ask Mum, "Anything you need done?"

"No thank you Tam. Go on out and join them. I've got some work to get through."

Giving Mum a smile, I turn and follow Joan out to the garage.

As I enter the garage Joan calls out, "Hey Tam, this is my sister Aubrey."

Sitting at one end of the old sofa, that's taking up one side of the garage, is a girl about my age. Although Aubrey's hair is longer, and a bit lighter, a lighter shade of chestnut, she and Joan have very similar facial features.

Cleverly I say, "Oh, um…hi." Then duck my head to avoid looking at her. Inside I mentally berate myself for acting like that but I can't help it. I've never been good at meeting people for the first time, especially girls, and especially pretty girls.

Aubrey responds with a quiet "Hi" herself. Melissa chuckles and Kat asks, "Hey Tam, maybe you can help us."

"Sure, if I can. What's up?"

"Well we were talking to the talent scout we'll be cutting the demo for, and he mentioned that if the demo goes well, and he can sell it to his people, then we should be ready with some more songs to do. Now he did say they could be covers but we can't decide which ones. We have a couple of our own songs, but we need some more, and the covers we've done so far just don't seem to fit right. Any thoughts?"

"Well, what covers do you know?"

At this point we go through their list, and discuss the merits of each. Finally I say, "Well, it looks like all you have are the current pop hits. Now that's fine for a dance, or one of the local gigs, but you want something that will help you stand out, right?"

"Yeah, that's one of the reasons we wrote 'Summertime', that and we really wanted something of our own."

"Hmm…well, how about doing the seasons?"

"What do you mean?" asks Jen.

"Well you already have 'Summertime', and it's a really good song. How about carrying that theme, and do the others about Winter, Spring and Autumn?"

"Interesting," says Mesha.

"Do you have any songs in mind?" asks Joan.

"Well, what pops immediately to mind is 'Hazy Shade of Winter'. It's an old Simon and Garfunkel song, but when the Bangles did it as a cover they had a huge hit."

"Who?" asks Melissa.

"You're kidding right? You're a girl band and you don't know the Bangles? You know, 'Manic Monday', 'Hazy Shade of Winter', 'Walk Like an Egyptian'?"

"Oh! Okay, yeah I know them."

"It's a great song, and you guys could do it justice."

"Okay," says Kat, "That takes care of Summer and Winter, two seasons left. Ideas anyone?"

We all start thinking, and looking at Mesha I suggest, "How about the Moody Blues?"

"'Forever Autumn'?" replies Mesha, "That's a good song, and we could make it sound good too."

"For Spring," I add, "how about U2’s ‘Beautiful Day’?"

"Hmm, maybe." says Melissa.

"It’s a great song, and your sound is so very different from U2, that you could really make it your own."

The discussion continues on the merits of various songs. Eventually Joan pulls YouTube up on the computer, and they start listening to various artists and songs. Leaving them to their work, I grab a Coke out of the fridge, and go up to my room.

Chapter 8

The week goes by quickly, and with everyone off to the studio for the girls to cut their demo, I have the place to myself. I begged off going with them, knowing that space would be limited, and if the sound guys are anything like the ones I've known, they'll want as few people in the studio with them as possible.

Since I do have the place to myself, I decide to take advantage of it, and play a bit of the music I like. The girls are good, and I have nothing against pop, especially when it leans as much towards rock as theirs does. However, I've always preferred jazz and the blues, so setting up my little mini-amp, I just start running through some songs, and with the house to myself I feel free to sing, something I don't want to do around the others.

I just finish up doing a jazzy version of 'Ain't no Sunshine', trying for the Eva Cassidy cover, when I hear a soft cough behind me that makes me nearly jump out of my skin, and if I hadn't had my guitar on its strap, I would have dropped it.

"What the…!" The squall of feedback from the amp as I spin around covers my exclamation. Turning I find an embarrassed Aubrey standing at my door.

"I..I'm sorry Tam. I didn't mean to startle you."

Trying to calm my racing heart I ask, "W..what are you doing here. I thought you were with your sister."

Aubrey has always been very shy and quiet, every time I've seen her. In fact this is the most I've heard her say at one time.

"Well I – I couldn't get out of school 'cause I had one of my finals this morning, so I couldn't go with them. Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you. I just heard the singing, and I had to … I'll go now."

With that she turns and rushes from the room.

I damn near strangle myself, as I get unwound from my guitar, and I chase after her; catching up to her just as she reaches the front door.

"Aubrey, wait, where are you going?"

Stopping her with my hand on her shoulder she replies, "I – I'm sorry, I – I …" and then she turns towards me, and burying her face in my shoulder, she breaks down and cries.

Now what am I supposed to do? Awkwardly I hold her, patting her back, and trying to make comforting noises. When it doesn't look like she's going to slow down anytime soon, I pull her inside, and close the door. Guiding the still hysterical girl towards the couch, I snag a box of tissues along the way. Once at the couch, I guide her to sit, and with my arms still around her; I just let her cry.

Fifteen or twenty minutes later she's mostly cried out, and we have a pile of soggy tissues at our feet. Eventually I get her to talk about what's bothering her, and being no big surprise, it's her parents that has her so upset.

During one of our breaks we clean up all the tissue, grab some sodas, and go up to my room. She sits on my bed, while I sit on the window seat softly strumming Dad's guitar. I get her to open up about all the troubles she's been having at home, and with how her parents are acting. Surprisingly, I find myself opening up to her in return. Eventually the serious stuff is talked out, at least for now, and she asks, "Tam, I thought I heard you say you can't sing. You have a lovely voice."

"I didn't say I couldn't sing, I said I don't sing, and after hearing it you know why."

"But it's lovely."

"Yeah, for a girl. I've been waiting for a couple years now for my voice to change, and still no sign. I do like to sing, I love the emotion some songs give, but sounding like a girl . . . well, let's just say I feel like a total nana. You won't tell will you?"

"Not if you don't want me to, but I think you're being silly. How long have you been playing the guitar? Joan says you’re very good, better than her even.”

“Your sister is very good. I guess I’ve been playing since I was three. Well, maybe not playing well since then.” And I give her a smile. “See Dad learned that to keep me from wandering off, and to shut me up, just place a guitar in my hands. At first I’d just whack on it and make noise, but by time I was four I could make noise that wouldn’t immediately drive people from the room, and when I was five, I got my first guitar. Oh it wasn’t much, and it was the smallest that Dad could find, since even now I have small hands; back then I had a hell of a time grasping the neck. Having Dad there day in and day out to teach me helped; he was a great teacher, and really patient with me.”

As we’re talking Aubrey lies down, and I can tell she’s tired.

“Play me something. Please Tam, something to make me feel better."

Looking at her laying there with her red hoodie on gets me thinking, and I start to play and sing ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ by Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs.

It’s a fun song, and she starts to smile, as her eyes get heavier and heavier. Just before she falls completely asleep, she barley whispers “You’re not a big bad wolf Tam, you’re nice. I…” She doesn’t finish as she falls completely asleep.

Setting the guitar aside I go over and cover her with the blanket. She really is very pretty. Well what do you know, I chuckle; I finally get a pretty girl in my bed.

Smiling, I go back to the window seat and gently play nothing at first, just little tunes that pop into my head. Then, as I watch Aubrey sleep, I think of the Amy Winehouse version of ‘Someone to Watch Over Me’ and I start to play, and softly sing it. As the last of the tune fades, I set the guitar down, and quietly leave the room.

I’m in the kitchen fixing a snack, when Mum and the girls get back, and from how excited everyone is I assume that the demo went well.

Everyone is talking at once, and I wave Joan over to me.

“Oh Tam you should have been there. We were awesome!”

“Aubrey’s upstairs in my room.”

“What? Is she okay? When did she …”

“Settle down. She’s been here for a couple of hours. She was upset but we talked…a lot. And she cried…a lot. But she’s better, and she fell asleep on my bed.”

“She talked with you? I’ve been trying to get her to open up for weeks now. Thank you Tam.”

Joan turns and hurries upstairs, and Kat and Melissa come over.

“Tam, we rocked it,” says Kat.

“Thanks for helping us little brother,” says Melissa.

“Yeah Tam,” adds Jen, “We wouldn’t have been nearly as good as we were if you hadn’t helped.”

“Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, not true, but you’re welcome anyway. Now will someone give me some specifics?”

“It looks like Restless Girls” adds Mum, “is going to be the next big thing; at least the talent scout thinks so. He’s sending the demo back, and wants the girls to work on the other songs.”

“Yeah Tam,” interrupts Melissa, “he really liked your idea about doing the seasons. You know those songs, will you help us?”

*****************************************

I know it’s a terrible thing to say, but in a twisted way, I’m thankful for Joan and Aubrey’s parents’ divorce. Coming home after the girls’ successful demo, to learn that Aubrey had an emotional breakdown with Tam, and opened up to him about all the troubles she’s been having with her parents, allowed Tam to open up to her in return.

I don’t know what the two of them shared, I’m just grateful for the results. Aubrey seems to be doing much better, and, more important from my perspective, Tam really seems to have finally, fully accepted being part of this family. We’re all still learning each other’s foibles, but it really seems that the initial distrust Tam had is finally gone.

I am still concerned about Tam though. He just turned sixteen, and instead of looking and sounding like a sixteen year old boy, he looks and sounds more like a thirteen to fifteen year old girl. Now I have zero experience with the care and raising of boys, so I may be wrong, but it seems to me that adolescence is taking its sweet time in coming around to his door. Since he’s never really had what could be called regular checkups, I scheduled him for a complete checkup next week. Hopefully everything is fine, but I want to make sure.

Chapter 9

“You know something Tam,” says Aubrey, “you’re going to be very popular with that accent of yours.”

Trying not to seem too hopeful about that prospect, I reply as casually as I can, “Really?”

Nodding her head, Aubrey says, “Oh yes. I think your voice is lovely. There’s something about a British accent, and yours is just different enough to make it really interesting. I can’t quite make out what it is though.”

“Well I don’t know, to me you’re the one with the accent. Maybe it’s because we spent so much time travelling; never in one place long enough to pick up the local inflections.”

Aubrey and I are up in my room, and she’s helping me load some apps on the new phone Mum got me for my birthday. It’s the first one I’ve ever had, and I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that I don’t really know what it can do. Aubrey is helping me figure it out.

"Maybe. Say, do you want to go to the mall later? Both Mom and Dad are trying to buy my affections, so I'm rich right now."

"They're buying your affections?"

"Yeah, they're still trash talking each other, but the custody hearing is coming up, and since I'll have a say in where I want to go, they both are doing their best to bribe me."

"So, which one are you going to decide on?"

"Neither. Joan and I have talked a bunch about this, and since Joan will be moving out, I want to go with her. They just want me because they think it'll hurt the other, not because they want me, so screw them, I'll go live with Joan and make them both pay support."

Aubrey starts to tear up, so I give her a hug. "So, who else is going to the mall?" I ask to get the subject back on safer ground.

"Oh, just me, and a couple of my girlfriends."

"Aw, I don't know…"

"Please? They're really cool, and I've told them about you, and they want to meet you."

Aubrey has some of the biggest, prettiest eyes, and currently is using them to massive effect. I think all girls have the ability, but she's got it in spades, and I don't have much of a defense against it.

"Please Tam? I'll buy lunch and if there's something playing at the theater, I'll treat you to that too."

Sighing in resignation I reply, "You don't have to bribe me, I'll go with you. Amy's been urging me to meet other people too, so this will make her happy as well."

Giving me a kiss on the cheek that sends a jolt down my spine, Aubrey says, "Thank you Tam. I'll go see if Joan can give us a ride."

"No, don't do that. They're in the middle of working on a new song. I'll ask Amy if she can give us a ride."

Mum is just getting ready to go out the door, when we stop her. "Mum, can you give Aubrey and me a lift to the mall?"

"Sure, but we've got to hurry, I've got a showing at ten."

"Thanks Mum."

Once at the mall we head to the food court to meet up with her friends.

We get there first, and after getting a couple of sodas, we grab a table to wait. While we're waiting someone comes up behind me and says, "Hey Aubrey."

Craning my head around I see a large, no make that huge, guy wearing a high school letter jacket behind me.

"Hey Lee. What's up?"

I really don't like people behind me, and shift my chair to the side. When I do this, the guy moves to stand to the side.

"I wanted to tell you that your sister's band was awesome at Prom. Let her know okay?" The entire time he's speaking, he's looking at me, with only the occasional flick of the eyes towards Aubrey.

"I will."

"Uh, yeah, well is she going to be playing anywhere else anytime soon?"

"Oh, I don't think so." Aubrey is looking back and forth between us. "They're looking to get in with a record company, so they're concentrating on that for now."

"Oh cool. Um…"

"Lee, this is my friend Tam, Tam this is Lee. He goes to my school. Tam here might be going to our school this Fall, Lee."

I'm never comfortable around guys, and around big guys I'm bricking it, this guy is massive. When you're a short-arse like me, you tend to get picked on a lot. I’m never at ease in situations like this.

"That'll be cool. Well I guess I'll see you around. Bye."

With that, he hurries off and joins some other guys that just came into the food court.

"That was Lee. If you couldn't tell, he's on our football team. In fact he's the youngest varsity player we've got. He's sixteen too."

"That guy is sixteen?" I ask incredulously. "It's ten in the morning, he's got a five o'clock shadow, and his thigh is bigger around than my waist. Hell, he must be six four or five!" What are they feeding these guys?

"Yeah, he started shaving when he was ten I think. It's weird; he's never really spoken to me except in passing at school before, and usually acts like a jerk. Today he was almost normal. Maybe there's hope for him yet."

Before I can reply, two girls suddenly appear startling me and Aubrey both. They're both chattering away, and Aubrey quickly joins them. One is a cute oriental, slightly taller than me, and the other is a very tall redhead with more freckles than I've seen on any two people. On her they work, and she's rather cute too. When they pause for breath, Aubrey introduces us. "Tam, these are my best friends Miyoko and Carolane. Guys, this is Tam."

We all say hello, and the next thing I know we're off walking. The three girls are chattering away a mile a minute, and at first I'm hanging back a bit, but then Aubrey puts her arm through mine, Miyoko gets my other arm, and I have no choice but walk along with them. Carolane is in constant orbit in front of us, spinning, then walking backwards, pausing to look in windows then hurrying to catch up again. All the while the three of them are keeping up their chin wag, and not leaving me out of the mix by bombarding me with questions too.

Had I known what 'going to the mall' entailed I would have probably told Aubrey 'no'; big pleading eyes or not. We started going into every store we came across. I'm not into shopping, but clearly the girls don't share my aversion; it doesn't just entail looking at things, they have to try things on too.

It did have its upside though. Being around three very attractive girls is always a plus in my book, and despite my protests and continual blushing, they'd drag me back to the changing area while they tried clothes on, then they'd show off the outfits to me and each other, spinning and posing, and having a fun time. I tell you I've had dreams like this, but never thought I'd experience the real thing.

I finally reached my breaking point when they wanted to check out lingerie. I got pulled into the store, but when they pulled me back towards the changing rooms, I bottled it, and after quickly telling them that I'd meet them at the record store, I scarpered, with their giggles following me.

My face is actually hot, and I know I must be bright red as I leave the store. I pull up my hood, and letting my hair hide as much of my face as possible, I hurry over to the record store.

It's obvious that the girls are well known at their school, as other kids are constantly coming up and saying hi to them. We'd often run into the same people as we go, and at first I didn't think anything about it, but then I notice that we're seeing Lee and his friends a whole lot more than anyone else. As I'm going through some of the CD's in the store, I see Lee and his friends on the other side going through some movies. What catches my eye is I keep noticing that Lee is constantly looking at me, and it's beginning to freak me out. I'm getting the distinct feeling that I'm going to have problems with him.

Soon the girls show up and we decide on a movie. They end up choosing 'Warm Bodies'. I'm not that sure, but am surprised that it turns out to be pretty good. Afterwards I give Mum a call to come pick us up, and we say goodbye to Mi and Carol.

*****************************************

When I first pull up to the mall entrance I don't immediately notice Tam and Aubrey. That's because Tam is surrounded by Aubrey and two other girls that I recognize from their school, and again, I have to remind myself that Tam is a boy, not a girl. His actions, and the way he laughs and interacts with the others is so…well girly that it's almost spooky. If it weren't for his very obvious interest in girls, I'd almost wonder if he were gay.

That thought startles me a bit and I try to think on how I would feel. One of the other realtor's in my office is dealing with their son coming out, and he isn't taking it well at all. I had often thought about my own children and how I'd feel if they told me they were gay, and I always said that it wouldn't matter. Now with Tam I find that I was right, it wouldn't matter in the least. It wouldn't change him one bit, he'd still be the same Tam and it wouldn't change my perception of him, as I have no perception of him based upon his sexual preferences.

Feeling inordinately proud of my self-revelation, I honk the horn to get their attention. Tam and Aubrey wave goodbye to their friends and climb in the back.

"You guys have fun? It looks like you did some shopping."

"It wasn't too bad," replies Tam.

"Tam was very brave Mrs. C; he suffered greatly, but in silence so we treated him to a movie."

"Well the next time I have to buy him anything I'll be sure to invite you along. You seem to have succeeded where I failed."

I give them a smile through the rear-view mirror and Tam blushes while Aubrey laughs.

"That's a deal Mrs. C. Oh, can you drop me off at my house? I don't want to carry this stuff anymore than I have to."

"Sure, that's not a problem. Are you going to join us for dinner?"

"Not tonight. Mom wants to take me out to dinner."

The sadness when she says that almost breaks my heart. "Well if your plans fall through, you're always welcome."

As we pull up to Aubrey's house she jumps out, and Tam moves up to the front seat after giving her a hug. "Thanks again Mrs. C, bye Tam, I'll call you later."

Tam waves and says "Bye Aubrey."

"That poor girl," says Tam. "Her and her sister deserve so much better. I hope things work out for them."

"Yeah, me too honey, me too. Hey, there is some good news. The talent scout wants to talk to us tonight, soon after we get home in fact. He said he had some good news."

"I hope so, they're certainly talented enough."

"And you have good news." At Tam's questioning look I add, "You said you didn't make friends easily. Looks to me like you made two more, and they're cute too. For someone who said to me, not too long ago, that you wish you could relate to girls better, you seem to be doing just fine to me."

Tam blushes but he's smiling at me too, and then we're both laughing.

As soon as we get home, Melissa rushes over to the car, and before I can even get out asks, "Where have you been? He's going to call any minute." The other girls are looking just as anxious.

"Melissa, calm down. We have plenty of time. He wasn't going to call until four, and it's not even three-thirty. All of you take some deep breaths. You all look like you're about to fly apart. Now, I'm going to change, and we'll take the call from the kitchen since we'll have room there, and it has a speaker phone."

When I get back downstairs, the girls have all gathered around the table where they've moved the phone to. Tam is sitting on the counter behind them sipping a soda, and trying to look calm; the girls aren't even trying.

Glancing at the clock it's just about a minute before four. I go and pour myself some iced tea, and just as I'm putting the pitcher back into the refrigerator, the phone rings and everyone jumps.

Everyone is looking at the phone like it's turned into some kind of snake, then looking at me, and then back at the phone. The look on their faces is comical, and it's hard not to laugh. Sitting down I find that I'm pretty excited myself. Pressing the speaker button I say, "Hello."

"Amy Calvert? This is Sam Thompson, with the Warner Music Group, how are you doing?"

"Quite well thank you. You're on speaker, and I have a passel of very nervous girls hanging on your every word."

Laughing he replies, "Well in that case I won't drag this out. The short of it is I played your demo for some people here, and they love your sound…"

At this point the cheering from everyone drowns out the rest of what he was saying. When I finally get everyone settled down, I ask, "Sorry about that Sam we missed that last part, could you repeat it?"

"Certainly, I played your demo and they love it. You have a great sound, you're all very talented, and it shows. They also really like the idea of marketing you as an all-girl band. Now I have a two part question for you: first, can you get out here next week, say Thursday or Friday, and second, do you have any of the other material that we discussed, ready to perform yet? There are some people out here that want to hear you in the studio, before making the final decision to sign you."

Since the girls had started to all talk excitedly again, I hush them and say, "I'll have Melissa and Kat answer the second part Sam."

The girls do a quick huddle off the side as I continue, "While they’re discussing that amongst themselves, I need to ask how long you would need us out there?"

"I know its short notice, but if we can do this, I think we'll only need you out here, initially, for a couple of days."

"Okay, let me check on a couple of things on our end first, can we confirm everything later today?"

"Certainly, can you get back to me by five? I guess that would be six your time."

"I don't see a problem with that. We will need some help in locating some place to stay while we're out there."

"Not a problem, I can get that information to you when you call back later."

"Great, here's Melissa, you can work on the music question, and I'll go and crunch some numbers."

"Great Amy, I'll talk to you later."

Melissa and the girls start discussing with Sam, the other music that they've been working on, and I get up to give them some space, while I try to figure out how to pay for all of this.

Chapter 10

I watch Amy leave the kitchen with a worried look on her face. After listening to the girls discuss their songs with Sam, I realize that they don't need me so I go look for Amy.

Amy's out in the living room studying something intently on her laptop. She doesn't hear me approach, and when I get closer I notice she's looking over some type of financial pages.

"Amy?"

Startled, Mum gives a small jump, and noticing me gives a small smile. "Hey Tam."

"Is something wrong? You look worried."

Smiling Mum replies, "No, nothing wrong. I just need to figure out how to pay for all of this. I just hope some of their parents will chip in a bit. Every little bit helps. Now run along so I can work on this."

At that she turns back and starts scrolling through the screen.

"Amy?"

"Tam I'm really sorry but I need to get this done. I only have a couple of hours to figure this entire thing out."

"But Amy…"

"Please Tam…"

"Mum, that's what I'm trying to tell you."

"What are you talking about?"

"Mum, let me pay for it…you know, out of the insurance money."

"Tam, that money is for your future. It's going to be invested and…"

"Mum stop, if you won't let me give it, then we'll consider this a loan, heck we can even figure in an interest rate. I think it's a safe bet, the band is good, and I think they'll succeed. Let me do this okay?"

"But Tam, you know how this industry can be; you can just as easily lose the money."

"That can happen no matter what you invest in, you know that. I'd rather lose it helping them, than lose it because some Wall Street big wig worried more about his yearly bonus than his investors. Let me do this…please?"

"This little trip could end up costing several thousand dollars you know. Are you sure?"

"Yeah I'm sure."

Smiling up at me, Mum gives my hand a squeeze and says, "Say what you will about your father's faults, and we both know he had them, the one thing you can't find fault in, is in how well he raised you. He'd be so proud of you Tam, I know I am."

We're both getting a bit emotional, and fortunately the girls come out of the kitchen just then.

"So Mom," asks Melissa, "We can do this right? They really want to see us, we can go right?"

"Yes girls we can," looking up at me Mum adds, "Tam…" I'm afraid she's going to tell them about the loan, and I don’t want that, so giving her shoulder a squeeze, I plead with my eyes for her not to say anything.

"Tam what?" asks Kat.

"Um, Tam will make seven, and we need to find out Joan, if Aubrey will be going too, or staying here; that would make eight of us. I know things are difficult for you right now, so if you'd like her to come, she can but we'll need to know as soon as possible, and considering her age and the home situation, I'll need something from both your Mom and Dad saying it's okay. The rest of you girls, tell your parents and get their permission. Jen, Mesha, I'm talking to you two; you're still seventeen. If they have any questions, have them call me."

There's a chorus of 'Yippee!' from everyone, and I add my silent thanks to everyone else's, but for a different reason.

The next few days are chaotic, with everyone trying to get everything put together for the trip. Mum is up to her eyebrows trying to get all the travel arrangements together, and the girls are rehearsing the other songs, to have everything down perfect for the audition. No one thought anything about the instruments until I mentioned it, and in the end I had to appoint myself the band's roadie.

In talking with Sam Thompson, I get the information for the shipping company they recommend for shipping the instruments. On Tuesday morning I start to pack everything up for the shipper.

"Hey Tam, whatcha dooooin?"

"Oh, hi Aubrey. Just being the roadie. I'm getting everything packed up, to ship out this afternoon.

"What's a, what did you call yourself, a roadie?"

"Yeah, a roadie is the person, or persons, that make sure everything gets to where it's supposed to get to, including set up and working the way it's supposed to be set up and working. They're the unsung heroes of any successful band. Since I'm the only one around here with the experience, and the free time, I volunteered."

"Oh, well can I help? Joan and I were able to convince Mom and Dad to let me go, but I've got nothing to do. I kinda feel like a third wheel."

"Sure, I could use the help. The guitars and the keyboard aren't so bad to pack, but Mesha's drums are a pain 'cause she has such a large set. Fortunately the studio will provide the amps so we don't have to ship those."

I show Aubrey how to de-tune the guitars for travel, and have her do that and pack them in their cases, while I dismantle the drums. Thank goodness for my new phone with the camera. With that, I'm able to take detailed pictures before breaking the set down. Mesha will still need to tweak everything, but now she won't have to do too much.

Once everything is broken down and packed in their respective cases, Aubrey and I start packing those into the shipping crates. There's a science to how everything goes together, and eventually we get it figured out, and the final crate sealed.

"Well, that was the last. Cheers Aubrey, I'd still be at it without your help."

"I didn't do much."

"You saved me at least an hour doing it by myself, that's a lot." We grab sodas out of the refrigerator and I say, "come with me," and lead her up to my room.

Once there I go to my dresser and dig through my shirts and pull out a black one. Tossing it to Aubrey I say, "There, now you're official."

"What's this?"

"Look on the back."

Aubrey opens up the shirt and sees 'ROADIE' printed in white across the back.

Aubrey comes over and gives me a hug. "Thank you Tam, but this is yours."

Shrugging my shoulders I reply, "I'll get another. I'd like you to have it."

Smiling Aubrey starts to pull her shirt up over her head and says, "I want to wear it."

Quickly spinning around as I feel my face burning.

Chuckling, Aubrey asks, "Aww Tam, are you shy?"

All I can do is stammer and blush more.

"You know, I'm wearing a bra, and it covers more than my bikini."

"Yeah, well warn me before letting me see you in your bikini then, so I can have my heart checked first."

"Tam, you say the sweetest things. Okay, it's safe, you can turn around now."

I don't think 'safe' is a word I would have used. After turning around, I suddenly have a difficult time breathing. That tee-shirt was a tad small on me, and Aubrey is a bit bigger, plus she's…well…um developing quite nicely. I can even tell that the bra she's wearing is a lacey one.

"Wow, it never looked that good on me."

Smiling and pirouetting, Aubrey says, "I need to get one in pink."

"Nope, staff for the band and security and such always wear black shirts. It helps identify them in a crowd."

"Oh, okay. Say…"

"What?"

"I just thought of something. We need to find someone to take us to the mall."

"What for?"

"You'll see, come on."

With that, Aubrey grabs my hand, and drags me downstairs. Joan is willing to take us, and when she asks Aubrey why, Aubrey still won't say, but I do notice that her big puppy dog eyes works on her sister just as well as they do on me.

Once we get to the mall, Aubrey insists on running her errand by herself.

"Come on you guys, please just wait for me here, and don't follow me, okay? Promise?"

"Okay Aub, but hurry. I don't want to just hang around here doing nothing."

"Thanks sis." And with that she's off at a run.

"Any idea what this is about?" Joan asks.

"Not a clue. Well since we're waiting, buy you an ice-cream cone?"

"Sure, always time for ice-cream."

After getting our cones and sitting down, Joan says, "Aubrey's having a tough time of it lately."

"Yeah, it can't be easy for you either though."

"No, it's not, but I can handle it better than she can." Licking a drip of ice-cream from her finger she adds, "Thanks for being her friend Tam."

"No need for thanks, I like her."

"I like you too. I love her though." The way she says that makes me pause and she continues, "I really like you, and your mom and sisters are more family to me than my own, but right now, my number one priority in life is making sure Aubrey is okay, so don't take this the wrong way, okay?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't hurt her Tam. Please, she's real vulnerable right now, and she could get hurt real easy."

Feeling a little angry, I reply "I have no intention of hurting her. Why would you say something like that?"

"Take it easy, take it easy. It's just that I've seen how you look at her, and I know she likes you, and she just recently broke up with a boy. Good riddance as he was a total jerk, but between being on the rebound, and what is happening with our folks, it wouldn't take much to hurt her, and I just don't want to see that happen, okay?"

"Well I don't want to see that happen either and…" Something else Joan said suddenly registers, "um…you think she really likes me?"

Chuckling Joan replies, "Yeah, I do. She's more relaxed and open with you than any other boy I've seen her with, just remember what I said. I'd hate to have to buy Mesha a new set of drum sticks."

"Huh?"

"Well I don't think she'd want them back afterwards."

"After what?"

"After they'd been removed from a certain orifice of yours; if you hurt my sister."

She says it all while smiling at me and finishing her cone. I just smile and shake my head in return.

After about a half an hour, Joan sends her sister a text, asking where she is, and how much longer she's going to be. Aubrey's reply is to stay here, and it won't be much longer. After getting Aubrey's okay, we go to the book store, next to the food court, to try and pass the time. It works, as what feels like a short time later, we get a text that Aubrey is waiting for us at the food court.

When we get to the food court, Aubrey is there carrying a large, black plastic bag.

Pointing to the bag, I ask, "That's what you were getting?"

"Yup." She replies with a huge smile.

"Well what is it?" asks Joan.

"Can't tell, you'll just have to wait until we get back, and everyone can see."

"You're telling me we've been waiting around for two hours, bored to tears mind you, and you won’t tell us why?"

"Nope. Gotta be a surprise, now let's go. The sooner we get back, the sooner you'll find out."

On the way to the car I try to get a peek into the bag but Aubrey catches me, and shifts the bag to her other hand. When we get to the car she makes me sit up front so she and the bag can be in the back.

As I sit in the car I say, "You act like you don't trust me, I'm hurt, crushed even." And I give her an exaggerated pout.

Unfazed she replies "I don't, you tried to peek."

"Meeee? I would never…"

"Well you were either trying to peek or look down my shirt. Which one was it?"

Damn, I hate my blushing! I turn around and face front, to the sound of both Aubrey and Joan laughing. My blushing just gets worst.

Chapter 11

"I said black with white lettering, not pink. I'm pretty sure I said no pink." I'm wearing the new tee-shirt that Aubrey had made at the mall. It was extremely thoughtful of her, but pink lettering? And it's not just pink; it's burn out your retina pink, it's so bright!

"No, you said the shirts couldn't be pink, and they're not, they're black, just like you said they should be. You also said that they needed to be noticeable so the people with the band could be easily identified, and you can't say you'd miss these!"

Aubrey was right, there's no missing the bright pink lettering across the back of the black tee shirt spelling out 'ROADIE', in large block letters, or the flowery pink script on the upper left side of the front of the shirt spelling out 'Restless Girls'.

We're in the hotel restaurant having our breakfast, before Aubrey and I head over to the studio with Mum. We're going early to set up the equipment, and the rest of the band will follow in a bit.

When we got back from the mall the other day, Aubrey could barely contain herself, and as soon as she was able to get everyone together, she unveiled her surprise. For the girls she got them pink tee shirts with black lettering on both the upper left side of the front, and across the back at the shoulders, spelling out 'Restless Girls'. For herself and me, the black roadie shirts.

Everyone was excited to get their shirt, and Melissa said she wished it had been done earlier, so they could get a proper design, but was really happy that Aubrey thought ahead so they'd have something. The whole band then decided, that since Aubrey started with this idea, she could carry on getting the proper design done. Aubrey was ecstatic at the idea.

My big problem isn't so much with the bright pink lettering, although, really, pink?; But with the shirt itself; all the shirts were made using a ladies scoop-necked shirt, even the roadie shirts. I didn't have the heart to complain about it, and not because I might get some drum sticks in places I'd rather not have them, but because she's so bloody proud of doing it all on her own.

When I got dressed this morning, I really didn't want to wear it.

"Tam, you need to finish getting dressed," says Mum.

She and I were sharing one room. There are two to a room on this trip.

"Mum, it's a girl's shirt. How can I wear it? I'm a guy."

"Then don't, but you'll need to tell Aubrey why, and why didn't you say something before this!"

Sighing I respond, "Because it was a really thoughtful thing for her to do, and it made her so happy. She hasn't had much of that lately, and I didn't want to rain on her parade."

"So…what are you going to do? We need to get moving."

Grabbing the shirt I put it on. "Bollocks!…Okay I'll wear it, but if someone says anything I'm going to deck 'em!."

Smiling at me and pulling me into a one arm hug Mum says, "You're a good kid Tam. You'll be fine."

"Yeah, Yeah, Yeah." But I smile back at Mum.

I'm nervous as we get to the studio.

"I hope the instruments got here. It seems like an awful short time for them to get shipped out here." I say.

"They did," replies Mum, "I got an email from the studio."

"That's great. You know Mum; you don't really need to come with us."

"I want to make sure you get in okay. You both are young enough to raise some eyebrows if you show up by yourselves. Once you two start setting things up, I'll come back here and get the girls."

Mum goes up to the receptionist and explains why we're here. We're told to wait, and after about ten minutes or so, a very large man with a thick beard, wearing a tee-shirt and jeans comes out. Normally I'm very apprehensive around large men, but he reminds me so much of an over-large teddy bear that I don't even get a twinge of worry.

As he approaches us, he's obviously eyeing Aubrey and me with some doubt. "Mrs. Calvert? My name's Nick, I understand you're here to set up the equipment for Restless Girls?"

"Good heavens, not me. It's these two, they're the experts. I just came along to make sure they got in okay, and to see where everything is going to be set up."

After getting us visitor passes and still looking skeptical, Nick says, "Okay then, follow me."

He leads us towards the rear of the building and a level down. Opening a door we pass into a huge sound room overlooking a very large recording studio.

"This is where you'll be." Leading us down into the recording studio, he opens a large door that was hidden by all the acoustic sound panels on the wall. "Your gear is here. Check the seals. Unfortunately we don't have anyone to help you set up; we were told that you would take care of that."

"That's fine," I say, "We've got it covered." I go back into the recording studio proper, and start asking about the mike points, and the amps we were told we could use. By the time I'm done asking all of my questions, Nick is actually smiling, and doesn't seem nearly as concerned about us.

"You really do seem to know what you're doing," says Nick.

"Yeah, I've been doing this since I could walk. My Dad was a musician."

"Unfortunately I really do have something else I need to take care of, but I'll be back in about an hour to see how you're doing. If you run into any trouble, just dial zero on the phone in the sound room and have them page me."

"Sounds brilliant Nick, thanks."

Nick leaves, and Mum says she's going back to the hotel; they'll meet us back here in a couple of hours.

Once we're alone I turn to Aubrey and say, "Alright then, let's see if everything survived, and if we can remember how it all goes back together again."

In about forty-five minutes we have everything unpacked, and mostly set up. Mesha will have to do the final tweaking on her drums, but I got them pretty close to how they were back home. After showing Aubrey which keys I want her to hit on the keyboard, I start to tune the guitars. The bass is tuned fairly quickly, and when I think Joan's electric is done, I start to run through some riffs, playing little pieces from anything that comes to mind. I freely admit that I was trying to show off in front of Aubrey.

"Tam, that sounds great, are we done now?"

"Yeah, we are. We'll just need to wait for our engineer to do some sound checks, but that will happen when the girls get here.

"Well then, since they're not here yet, could you play me something?"

"Well…."

"Pretty please? I like to hear you play."

"Okay then." Feeling pleased, I go over to Kat's keyboard and key in a repeating beat. The second time it comes around I start in playing 'Maria Maria' by Santana. It has some great places to get creative in the playing and show off a bit. In the places where you expect to hear brass, I use the guitar.

Aubrey starts clapping to the beat and moving to the music and I'm really getting into it and Aubrey says, "Come on Tam, sing" and keeps urging me on. Taking a look at the sound booth, I don't see anyone, so I start to sing. I really don't like anyone to hear me. Then, since it works so well, and I'm already in a Santana mood, I switch up and play Samba Pa Ti, which is one of my favorites for guitar.

When I'm done, Aubrey starts clapping, and as soon as I set the guitar in its stand, she gives me a kiss and says, "Tam, you're really good. Thank you."

From the overhead speakers, and nearly giving both of us a heart attack, a voice says, "She's right, you are good."

Looking towards the booth, I don't see anyone, then looking closer, I see the vague silhouette of a body.

"Nick?"

"Yeah, if you guys are done, come on up."

We head on up and I'm wondering how much he heard.

Stepping up into the sound booth, Nick says as we enter, "Man 'o man, you really are good, and a Santana fan to boot. Where'd you learn to play so well?"

"My Dad taught me, and he was the best." Smiling I add, "I may be a bit biased, but most place him in the top twenty."

Sounding intrigued Nick asks, "Have I heard of him?"

"Tommy Bond?"

Surprised Nick exclaims, "You're Tommy Bond's kid? No wonder you're so good. You know, I saw your father perform. It was at Guitar Fest about eight or nine years ago. He was on stage with Clapton and Santana, and they were fucking awesome! No wonder you like Santana. Did you meet him?"

"Probably, but you know, I was so young that I really don't remember."

"Well I came down to see if you two needed any help, but I see that you don't. So do you also play in the band?"

"Nah, but I do like to help out as much as I can."

"Is your dad going to be here?"

"He, um, he passed away not too long ago."

"Oh man, I'm sorry to hear that. You were right, definitely in the top twenty, I'd put him in the top ten myself."

"Thanks."

"Oh, the rest of the band is here. They're up talking to the heads, and will be down in about a half an hour. Do you want to go up there or wait for them here?"

"Why not here?"

"All right then. The fridge is there, help yourself to something to drink."

While Aubrey and I get water out of the fridge, Nick gets on the phone, and we hear him tell someone, "Hey Mike, I'm going to take the board for that band that's in this morning…..yeah, but I changed my mind….okay, thanks."

After hanging up, he comes over and joins us at the small sitting area. Pointing to the band's name on our shirt he asks, "So, are they any good?"

"Actually, they're really good. They work well together and they have a unique sound, not your typical pop band, more of a pop sound strongly influenced by rock. Melissa has a strong, clear voice with a good range. She reminds me of Ann Wilson, but in a higher range."

We continue talking music including the various bands and musicians we like, until the door opens; in walks Mum with the girls, accompanied by the talent scout and a couple of other people.

We all stand, and after introductions are made, Aubrey and I go help the girls get set up.

Mesha is really pleased by the drum set up, and only has minimal changes to make.

Soon the girls are doing a quick sound check, and Aubrey and I retreat to the sound booth.

"Tam," asks Nick, "You ever work a board before?"

"Nothing this big."

"Well, pull up a seat so you can watch. It's not much different than a smaller board, just more of everything."

I pull up a seat, and after getting things set; Nick removes a CD from a drive on the board and inserts another, the first he sticks in his pocket.

Speaking in a mike, Nick tells the girls, "Okay, I'll give you five count, and the 'two, one' will be silent, then you'll see the green light. Start after you see that."

When he sees the girls nod their heads, he lowers the lights in the booth, then counts down and throws a switch.

The girls start off with 'Summertime', and what a difference being in a proper studio makes. They sound good in the garage, in the studio they sound bloody marvelous! Melissa's voice is clear and strong, and the instruments sound crisp.

When the last chords fade, Nick speaks into the mike, "Nicely done girls, stand down and rest for a few."

I can see all of them smiling and mine is as big as any. Aubrey is bouncing in her seat, and turning to face the rest I see smiles all around.

Chapter 12

The day was a total success for the girls, and a unique mixture of pride and sadness for me. When you see your children follow their dream, and do so well at what they love, you can't help but feel pride in their accomplishments, but at the same time I know that they're now grown and no longer need me, or at least not as much.

Looking over where Tam is joking about something with Jen, I can't help but smile. Thank goodness I found him again. He still needs me, and I plan on being there for him.

We're having a celebratory dinner after the girls knocked the socks off of the producers at Warner Music. I've never heard them sound so good, and they had Warner convinced after their first song; the other songs they played just proved that the first wasn't a fluke.

After the demo we all meet again, and it’s decided that Warner will indeed sign the girls to their label. Warner really likes their sound, and the marketing VP was so ecstatic over them being an all-girl band, they really want to push that angle.

"So Mom," asks Kat, "what's happening tomorrow?"

"Lots of paperwork, mostly, in the morning I'll be meeting with Mark Shuda, who I hope will be your new manager."

At this announcement everyone starts saying 'no', and 'we want you Mrs. C.'

Shushing them I say, "Girls, we talked about this. When you were a garage band back home, playing small venues every other week or so, I didn't mind, but now you're in the big leagues; you can't get much bigger. Because of that, you're going to need a manager who can properly represent you, and make sure you're properly represented. I've heard good things about Mark, and I'm hoping that he'll take you on."

We discuss it a bit more, until I feel I've convinced them that they need a pro on their side.

After dining in Hollywood, the girls want to walk along Hollywood Boulevard, and look at all the stars on the walk of fame. It’s fun watching them get excited about stars I hardly know, and scratching their heads over who a star is, for someone I grew up with. They're racing ahead of each other, to see who can find the next really big star. Everyone's laughing and having a good time.

I'm near the rear of our pack with Tam and Aubrey, and the group has turned up Vine because they want to see the Capital Records building and the stars outside of it.

"Come on kids, we're losing the others." I urge Tam and Aubrey.

I look up to where the girls are crossing Hollywood Boulevard, when it happens: time actually seems to slow down as I watch Joan cross the street after the others, when the small sports car runs the light and strikes her. Joan has no time to get out of the way. My blood runs cold as I see her spinning from the impact, then falling to the ground.

*****************************************

"Aubrey, she's okay. Settle down, or they won't let you go back and see her," says Mum.

To the rest of us she says, "Aside from the cuts, scrapes and bruises, it could have been a lot worse. She has multiple fractures in her left hand, wrist and forearm. An orthopedic surgeon is looking at her right now, so we should know something soon.

I'm going to take Aubrey back now, but I'm afraid that the rest of you will have to stay here. We'll be back in a bit."

Aubrey heads on back with Mum, considerably more calm now that she knows her sister is safe. The accident stunned us, and seeing her sister crying in pain on the ground really terrified Aubrey, and the rest of us.

Mum rode with Joan in the ambulance, with Melissa and Kat in charge of getting cabs so we could follow. I had my hands full trying to calm down Aubrey, and didn't have much luck as I was pretty upset myself.

Then, once we got to the hospital we had to wait without news. All they would tell us, was she was being looked at. Eventually, Mum came out with the update, and watching her go back with Aubrey, I heard the others breathe a sigh of relief. Her injuries could have been much worse, but I'm worried about her hand and wrist. It would have been better if it had been her right hand, since it doesn't need to be as flexible as the left. The left hand needs to be supple needing to bend well when you play the guitar. I just hope it's not so bad that it impacts her playing.

I think some of that thought is beginning to hit the others as well. Now that we know Joan is safe, the same question is hitting everyone; what's going to happen to the band?

About twenty minutes later, Mum and Aubrey come back out. Poor Aubrey, her face is all red and splotchy, but she's considerably calmer after seeing her sister. As soon as we see them, we all start to get up, but Mum waves us back down. Aubrey goes and sits between Jen and Melissa.

"Joan's fine" begins Mum, "She's all doped up on pain meds, but all in all, she's doing okay. The worst of her injuries were her left wrist and forearm. We spoke to the surgeon, and they'll have to operate to install some pins to ensure the bones heal, and they'll be doing that tomorrow. In the meantime she's resting, and that's the best thing for her right now. Aubrey and I will come back tomorrow, but you guys won't be able to visit until after the operation. So, right now, we're going back to the hotel. This may delay things for the band, but we'll see. I'll call Mark Shuda and Warner Music tomorrow, and we'll take it from there. Let's all go back now and get some rest, it's going to be a busy day tomorrow."

A very subdued group of us gets back to the hotel. Fortunately, the room for Joan and Aubrey adjoins ours, so as soon as we go back, we open up the connecting door, and Mum puts Aubrey to bed.

The next morning Mum and Aubrey take off to the hospital, and the rest of us hang out at the hotel. I'm in the room flipping channels on the television, when there's a knock on the door. When I open it, there's Melissa, and the other girls standing there with very serious looks on their faces.

"Hey guys, come on in. Did you hear something?"

Kat replies, "Yeah, Mum called a bit ago and said that Joan went into surgery. It's going to take a few hours before we hear anything on how well it went."

I sit back onto the bed and say, "Well Mum said that the doctor was confident, that's good news."

Melissa sits next to me with the others standing behind her and asks, "Tam, have you thought what this might mean…you know for the band?"

"A bit, it'll probably delay things for sure. It's going to be awhile until Joan can play again."

"Tam, it might not delay things, it might kill any chance we've got."

"Oh, I don't know about that, they really liked you guys."

"But you know how fickle the industry is, if you don't take the opportunity when it's given, then another may never come along."

I had to nod my head at that, she's right. "But how about this, I'm sure either Warner or this manager bloke Mum's going to see know some guitarist, maybe they can help find a replacement. You know, just until Joan gets back on her feet again."

They don't say anything for a few moments, they just look at me. "What?"

"Tam, we thought of that," says Kat.

"We've been talking about this all morning in fact," adds Melissa. "That's why we're here."

"I don't understand."

"Everything you said is true, we might be able to locate another guitarist. The thing is though, that's going to take time, and even then, how good will they be, and how well would they work with us? You said it yourself, our window of opportunity is small, and we need someone right away."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"We need you Tam."

"Ah, yeah well you know I'd love to, but what about the studio? They're really hot about selling you as the latest, greatest all girl band. I'd ruin that."

The girls don't say anything; they just keep looking at me. Then I begin to understand. "Oh no…"

"But Tam you could do it…"

"Not me I can't…"

"You know all the songs…"

"You guys are the Restless Girls, not the Restless Girls plus a bloke…"

"We all work well together, you know that…"

I get up off the bed, and start pacing around the room. I'm beginning to hyperventilate a bit.

"But I'm a guy, I like girls. It'll never work…"

"Yes it will, you'd be perfect Tam…"

"No! You don't know what you're asking." And with that I go into the other room and slam the door.

There's knocking at the door and Melissa is saying, "Please Tam, we need your help."

"Go away!" I yell back and throw myself onto the bed. Soon I hear them go. They just don’t know what they're asking, they just don't. I hug the pillow to me and try not to let the tears come. It's a losing fight, but soon I fall asleep, and it doesn't matter anymore.

I must have been out for a long time; as the next thing I remember, my stomach is trying to remind me it hasn't had food in quite a while, and it's dark outside. I'm confused at first, then I recall what happened, what the girls asked me to do.

There's a knock at the connecting door, and I brace myself for another argument. The girls just don't know what they're asking from me, and why I can't do it. Before I can get up, or say anything, the door opens. I'm gobsmacked; standing in the doorway is Joan.

"May I come in?"

"Ah, ah, yes…sure."

"Good, 'cause if I don’t sit down, I'm going to fall down."

Joan turns on the light, closes the door, and then comes over to sit on the opposite bed. I'm just staring at her, not believing my eyes. I'm not dreaming, it really is Joan. Her left arm is in a cast from the shoulder to her finger tips, she's got bruises and cuts all over her face, and she's moving kind of slow, but it really is her.

"When did you get here? Shouldn't you still be in hospital?"

"Yeah, well they didn't have any reason to keep me. The operation went well, and once I recovered, was able to both eat and go to the bathroom, they loaded me up with pain meds, and said I could go. Ta da, here I am!"

"Where are Mum and Aubrey, how long have you been back? What time is it anyway?"

"Help me prop this anchor on some pillows, and I'll tell you."

I help her get settled on the bed, and get a pile of pillows next to her to support her arm.

"This is so going to suck," she says looking at the cast on her arm. "Okay, where to start…well your Mom is off with that manager guy, what’s-his-name, Mark something. Sorry, the meds make thinking a challenge. Let's see, we got here about a half hour ago. Your Mom needed to meet this guy, so she called ahead to warn the others that they'd have to take care of ol' gimpy me, and once we got here they took Aub and I to their room. They told me what they asked of you, and that you were pretty upset."

"It's…it's just not something I can do Joan…"

"Tam, look at me. Listen, it hadn't even occurred to me to ask you, but I'm glad they did…"

"But…"

"Let me finish Tam."

I nod my head at her.

"You know how bad things have been with my parents, how bad it's been for Aub. I'm trying to get the judge to give me custody. With the band taking off, and the possibility of getting signed by one of the biggest studios around, I was really hopeful that I could succeed. Then this happened," and she raises her arm, "Now the judge is going to look at me, and see that I can't support her, even if we get child support from our parents. Now, you know that it's Melissa and I who started this band, and that the two of us do the main writing. We all talked about it, and until I'm better, I'll continue to do everything I was doing, except playing, but that won’t matter if there isn't a band, and there won't be if we don't have a guitarist."

"I know all that, but why me? We can find another; we can find one who's a girl."

"Can we Tam? Listen, I'm good, at least I was, and I will be again. You're better. When we started this band we all knew how hard this industry is to break into. You need something to set yourself apart from the thousands of others looking for the same break."

"We thought we'd found it. We've got some great players, and we wrote our music to make full use of our abilities, figuring the strength of Melissa's voice would carry us over the top. Now we have to find someone who can play to our level, is female, and is willing to do this on a temporary basis."
"Say for a minute we do find someone who was good, female, and said that they'd be more than willing to help out, then step aside when I got better, could you trust that? Who would want to willingly leave a successful band? I know that once I had my foot in the door that I'd do everything to make sure that I stayed there, you know that's true."

And I did, I'd seen similar things happen before, and it could tear apart a band.

"But I don't want to pretend I'm a girl, and we both know I would have to, to make this work."

"I know Tam, but that's why it would work. It won't have to be for very long. The doctor said this cast can come off in four to six weeks, it'll be three or four months until I'm back on my feet again, then you can step aside."

"Will you at least think about it, please?"

"I know it's a lot to ask, but I can’t lose Aubrey to the ‘rents. Both of them just use her to hurt the other, and it tears her apart. I can’t let that happen, but I don’t know how to stop it from happening, unless this band is a success."

"I'm not going to promise to do this Joan, but…I'll think about it, okay?"

"Fair enough, now I don't know about you, but I'm hungry, and your Mom said we could order pizza. You want to call the others, and have them get that going?"

“Okay. Joan?”

“Yeah Tam?”

“You know, that no matter what I decide, someone’s going to be hurt, don’t you?”

“I know. I’m sorry to lay this on you Tam.”

I nod my head, and pick up the phone to call the others.

*****************************************

Could this day get any longer? I ask myself. The meeting with Mark Shuda went well, and we decided that he would meet the rest of the band tomorrow afternoon. If that goes well, I think the girls will have a new manager.

Coming back to the room my one thought was to be able to take my shoes off, and relax. I've been on my feet, and on the go since early this morning. I'm tired, but when I stop off first to check on Joan, I soon realize that something was wrong. When I got to the room, everyone was there, except Tam, and everyone was extremely subdued.

It’s not that difficult to figure out that the uncertainty of the band's future is the reason, but what really surprised me, was finding out what they asked of Tam. After giving them a verbal blistering, and bringing them close to tears, I went in search of Tam to see how he was doing, and try to fix the damage asking him to pose as a girl may have caused.

Opening the connecting door to our room, the lights are off with the only illumination coming from the television. Closing the door behind me, I turn on a light, and notice that Tam is asleep on his bed.

Lordy! I know why the girls asked him, laying there he does look like a young girl, maybe not as young as I originally thought, but he'd make a very convincing fifteen or sixteen year old girl, as he is right now.

But they never should have asked him. They know how insecure he is, it's glaringly obvious, to even the most casual observer.

Sitting down on the bed next to him, I rub his shoulder. "Tam, Tam honey, wake up."

Tam stirs, and slowly opens his eyes. It's easy to tell he's been crying. "Hey Mum. What time is it, are you just getting back?"

"It’s a bit after nine, I got back about twenty minutes ago. I've been having a little talk with your sisters, and the others…"

"Then you know."

"Yes, and Tam, I put a stop to it. They had no right to ask that of you. Having you fill in as their guitarist is one thing, asking you to pose as a girl is entirely different. If the studio insists on all girls, then we'll find one to fill in until Joan is better. I really don't think it'll be as hard as everyone is making it out to be, but creating some elaborate deception, and making you dress as a girl…well that's not going to happen, so don't worry. They owe you an apology for even asking."

"Mum, I'm going to do it."

"What? Tam, no…"

"You want to know something?" Tam isn't even looking at me, he sits up, and is looking in the distance. "Growing up, at least until I was around eight or so, I really didn't even know there was any difference between boys and girls. Silly isn't it? Oh I knew people were different but the concept of two different sexes hadn't really sunk in at that point. I thought that male and female related to how you acted, and really didn’t grasp the concept of gender.

That all changed when I got my first look at a naked female. It was one of Dad's girlfriends; he was out doing something, and I was just waking up from a nap. She came out of the shower, and started to dress in front of me.

"I was curious, at the age where I was driving everyone bonkers by asking questions all the time, and there she was; with everything on show!

Well, I started with my questions, and bless her, she tried to answer, every one. I really liked her; she was one of the first to treat me as a real person, and not someone to be tolerated. Anyway as I said she had no qualms in explaining, and showing just how different boys and girls were. It was then that I thought guys got the short end of the stick.

"Guys bodies are all rough and hard, not to mention hairy, and well the shape isn't that great either is it? Now girls, they're soft and curvy. They usually smell tons better than blokes do, and their voices are so much more…I don't know, I like them better.

I decided right about then, that instead of being a guy, I was going to grow up as a girl instead. Imagine my disappointment, when they finally got it through my head that it's just not that easy, there's not some dial you can turn from 'male' to 'female' and, poof.... you change."

Tam looks up at me with those beautiful big eyes of his, and I can't help but imagine that he was at least partly successful.

Tam continues, "So even though I eventually accepted that I couldn't be a girl, I would still occasionally think on how nice it would be to be one. Then a few years after that, I guess I was about ten or so, we moved to another flat across town. Well you may have noticed, I'm kind of a short-arse, and squirts like me tend to have a hard time of it sometimes.

I never liked sports, or the rough and ready things other boys did. Well, there was a boy about a year older than me that lived in the flat above ours. When I first met him I thought he was a girl, so I was a bit surprised to find out that he wasn't. See, he would dress in girls’ clothes, and he wore his hair long. He even told people he was a girl.

"Now, he was short like I was, and there being safety in numbers, we ended up becoming friends. He told me that he always thought he was a girl, that he was just born in the wrong body. That intrigued the hell out of me; because it kind of fit with how I felt about myself.

One of the big differences being, he liked boys, in fact he was always going on about the latest heart throb or how cute the boys playing on the pitch were, and I had no interest in them whatsoever. I think it was because of that, that I knew that I wasn't really like him; if I were, then I'd like boys, not girls, right?

"Anyway, it's not hard to imagine that he tended to get picked on, a lot, even by some of his own family. His mother and sister supported him, but his Dad and brother didn't. One day I came home, and there were police all over the place. My friend had gone missing. A few days later they found his body, he…they did things to him before they killed him. They found who did it, it was three of the older boys from the neighborhood, boys that had teased and tormented him before.

"A year later, Dad and I were in Hamburg. Dad was with a band, and there was a concert that they were a part of. I had caught a cold, and really wasn't feeling that well. Earlier I had helped set some things up, but I started to feel worse, so I stayed in our van to rest. Well, the short of it is, one of the local workers thought I was a girl, and came to our van. He snatched me, and after slapping me around a bit, dragged me off to a storage building.

At this point I can barely hear Tam, and what he's describing horrifies me.

Looking up at me, and giving me a sad smile, Tam says, "Wow, was he surprised when he found out I was a boy. He was also properly pissed. I fought as best I could, but he started to whip me with these strapping bands. That's how I got the scars on my back. Anyway, he was a lot bigger than me, and I really couldn’t stop him.

"Dad was worried about me, so right after his gig he went to check on me…he found us, just as that guy finished…Dad was like some avenging angel, and almost took this guy’s head off with his guitar, he would have killed him, if he hadn't been pulled off of the guy.

After a long pause, and I think Tam is done, he adds, "Anyway, as you can see I survived." Standing, Tam goes over to the large mirror on the wall. "I know what I look like. People are always thinking I'm a girl, sometimes they just don't believe me when I tell them I'm not. I'm a boy though, I like girls. I mean I really like girls, and I don't care for boys at all."

Looking over at me he asks, "Can I tell you a secret?"

Not trusting myself to talk, I just nod my head.

Tam turns and looks at himself in the mirror again. "I know I bitch about it, a lot, but sometimes I don't mind when people get confused. Sometimes I think that it would be nice to have a girl’s body, but I like girls, I'm a guy, and who knows, maybe someday a girl will like me."

Tam's quiet then, just staring at himself in the mirror. I finally say "You can't do it Tam, it isn't fair to you, it probably wouldn't be healthy for you either, especially after all that you've been through."

Turning towards me Tam replies, "I didn't want to at first. If there was another way I probably wouldn't do it. I've really thought about this, through and through, and it really is the best answer. When I was talking to Joan about this, I told her that no matter what I decided, someone wouldn't like the decision. At least this way only I won't like it, everyone else will be happy."

"No Tam, I can't let you do this. If this was something you wanted, something you felt you needed to do for your sake, then I could go along with it, but it isn't. You're going to get yourself hurt doing this, and I can't allow that to happen!"

Tam comes over, sits down next to me, and rests his head on my shoulder. "You can stop it Mum, but please don't. I really have thought about this, and I want to do it. If everyone helps and supports me, then I can do it. I promise that if things get too bad, then I'll stop, but let me try."

"Oh Tam, I don't know," and I put my arms around him, holding him close.

"Please?"

Damn, I hate this, "Okay, but I have conditions."

"What?"

"First, you need to know that liking girls, and being a girl are two different things. One is sexual preference, the other is gender identity. It sounds to me like you have that confused…"

"No, I know there are like, lesbians and all, but….well I like having a, you know, a…"

"A penis?"

"Um, Yeah."

Chuckling I say, "Well, there's nothing wrong with that, and I don't know if that would preclude identifying as a female."

"You don't?"

"No, and that brings me to one of my conditions, I want you to see a doctor."

"You said you already made me an appointment to see one."

"Not that kind of doctor. I mean a psychologist. Tam, you've been through hell, and the thing I find most surprising, is how well adjusted you seem to be. But, you have experienced some major trauma, your gender confusion, as well as what you're going to be doing, dressed as a girl, well, I want you to see someone. I don't really see a problem with you passing yourself off as a girl, for your sake, it might just help you get some answers, but I'm not so sure it's good for the reason you're doing it, and if the doctor says stop, we stop then and there. Can you agree to that?"

"Yeah, that sounds fair."

"Okay then, one other thing, you seem to think that a penis defines your gender, so answer me this. Your father was a very manly man, agreed?"

"Yeah."

"If he had been in an accident and lost his penis and testicles, would he have stopped being a man?"

"Um…no, I guess not."

"I don't think so either, and this is something you probably need to discuss with this doctor we're going to find, but I think your sexual identity lies in the mind, at least for the most part. I suspect it can be influenced by the physical, but I think it all starts in the mind. You might want to think about that for a bit too."

"I will Mum. Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet. I'm still not sure I'm doing the right thing in letting you do this. Now why don't you get ready for bed. I'm going to go talk with the girls, and lay down the law as to how this is going to take place, and remember, the first time you want to stop, we'll stop. I'll make sure they understand that too."

Hugging me, Tam says, "Thanks Mum. I…I love you."

Holding him tight, and not even bothering to try to stop the tears, I say, "I love you too Tam, so very much."

Chapter 13

The next morning is decidedly awkward at first. When we first open the door between our room, and Joan and Aubrey's, everyone has their eyes downcast, and won't look at me. Before things get too bad Melissa comes forward, and says, "Tam, we're really, really sorry for putting you through all of this, and we talked it over, and if you want to change your mind, it’s okay with us. We'll understand. If you do want to go forward, then we will do everything we can to make things easier for you. We never meant to hurt you, that was the furthest thing from our minds."

The others speak up their agreement, and I say, "I understand, and thanks. I'm going to need all of your help. I mean, I really don't know anything about being a girl."

The others all voice their willingness to help me, and with everyone feeling a bit better we go downstairs for breakfast.

All during breakfast Aubrey is staring at me. Finally, I can't take it anymore, and ask, "Why are you staring at me so much?"

"Well, I was thinking that if you're going to be a girl, then you probably should get your hair done, and maybe dress more like one. Some makeup might not be a bad idea either."

“Oh, ah…”

“You’re right Aubrey,” says Joan, “Something needs to be done.”

“Well, I suppose I could maybe wear my hair a bit different.”

“Different?” asks Kat, “you’re going to need to get that mess styled. What do you usually do to it? It’s an absolute wreck!”

“Well I just cut it to keep it out of my eyes, and you know, if it gets too long.”

“You cut it?” asks Melissa horrified.

“Well sure, it’s not that difficult. Is it really that bad?” I look over at Mum, and she’s nodding her head. I’ve got a sinking feeling that there’s going to be a lot more to this pretending to be a girl than just telling everyone that I am one. That gets me thinking, and while the girls discuss what torture they’re going to put me through, I ask Mum, “I was wondering what we’re going to tell everyone…about me that is.”

“The truth.”

At my surprised expression, and it’s mirrored by the girls, Mum adds, “Not all of it. If asked, we’ll say that Tam is my daughter, and since that’s how you want to present yourself to the world, that’s what we’ll do. If someone happens to mention that you’re really a boy, we’ll be indignant and tell them it really isn’t any of their business, but this is something you want, and we support you in your decision. If they get too nosey we’ll tell them to butt out. Tam, you need to be sure about this. The girls are right, your appearance needs…refining shall we say?”

At this the girls snicker, then Mum continues, “Also, we all agree that Reckless Girls is going to be the next big thing, which means you’re going to be popular, and that means that everyone and their cousin will want to stick their nose into every corner of your life. Think about that, all of you. You see how the more successful a star is, the less privacy they have. Now’s the time to back out, any takers?”

Everyone including myself shake our heads no.

“Okay then, there may be questions about Tam’s change in appearance and it’s easily explained in Tam always being the tom boy type and now that he, excuse me ‘she’ is going to fill in for Joan, everyone felt that she needed to dress more feminine. Agreed?”

We all agree, and Mum then says, “In that case, I suggest Tam has his first visit to the beauty parlor. There’s a salon right off the lobby. Girls, you take him, and keep it simple, this is still difficult for him, let’s help him all we can. While you’re doing that, I’m going to run across the street to the outlet store I saw, and see if I can find him-er, her, some new clothes. Aubrey, why don’t you come with me and help? I’m sure the rest of them can get her hair cut, and I want your perspective on styles.”

So as soon as we're done with breakfast Mum and Aubrey head out. Joan begs off so she can go back to the room and rest, Mesha decides to go with her. The rest surround me, and lead me to the salon.

As we cross the lobby towards the salon, the sense of dread I'm feeling, I'm sure, must be the same for those having been led to the gallows. My breakfast is suddenly a cold lump in my stomach, and I have to consciously keep myself from bolting.

With Melissa in the lead, Katrina and Jen flanking me, we enter the salon. The lady working there looks surprised at seeing three; well I guess four girls walk in. "Good morning ladies, how can I help you today?"

"My sister here," starts Melissa pointing at me, "Just turned sixteen the other week, and we all decided that her days of being a tom boy are at an end. She said that she wants to change her look, and we thought that there's no time like the present. Can you help?"

The lady comes over and gives me a critical look, then says, "I'm sure we can." Leading me over to one of the chairs she has me sit, and then puts this plastic cape around me. "Okay hon, what were you thinking?" She's checking out my hair, and before I can reply she asks, "My Lord what have you done with this? It looks like you've cut it with a butter knife!"

"I don't know, maybe just trim it up a bit?"

She looks at me in the mirror, and I see Melissa, Kat and Jen all shaking their heads no behind me.

Melissa cuts in, "We were thinking she needs something edgy and fun, but still cute and feminine. The way she is now, half the time she's mistaken for a boy."

I glare at her in the mirror, and I see Kat and Jen with their hands over their mouths trying not to laugh.

"Oh," says the lady, "I don't think so, you're too cute, but we can do something here."

So with that she takes me back and first washes my hair, then back to the chair. Jen's standing there with a large book with different hair styles in it, and she, Kat and Melissa are going through it. They seem to come to a decision, and show it to the hairdresser.

"Yes, that will look darling on her."

They close up the book before I get a chance to see, and with a sense of dread, the lady starts cutting. I'm just hoping that I'm not going to end up with curls and bows all over. That would really suck.

My worries soon take another turn; this gal is cutting a lot off! The sides are above my ears for the first time in years, and the top is longer than the sides, with the greatest length in front. When she's finally done cutting, she leads me back to the sink area where it's washed again, and has me stay there, then walks off after telling me "be right back, just got to mix things up. Just relax."

Relax, it's easier said than done. Looking over at the girls I ask, "Just what is she mixing?"

Melissa answers, "We're changing the color, what you currently have just won't do."

At my look of alarm she adds, "Don't worry, we promised that we wouldn't go crazy. You'll just have to trust us."

Trust them?!

Okay, so maybe I don't have to worry about it being pink, but I can't help but be nervous as the lady comes back, and starts painting this foul smelling stuff onto my hair. When she's done, she tells me that it needs to sit for a while, and goes away to take care of some other things. Whatever she put in is really cold, and it's beginning to tingle.

"Hey guys, is this stuff supposed to tingle and itch so much? I'm not going to end up bald, am I?"

"You'll be fine," says Kat.

Melissa adds, "When we get back to the room we’ll show you how to apply makeup."

"Nails too," pipes in Jen.

"Really, I think I'm more the natural type, don't you?"

"A little shaping on the nails, not much as you use them to play with, along with some clear polish, and very light makeup on the face," replies Melissa. "You don't need much but you do need some."

Sighing with resignation, I sit and twiddle my thumbs, while waiting for my head to burst into flames. After a bit, and just short of actual combustion, the lady comes back and has me lay back to have my hair washed again. When that's done, I'm led back to the chair where she does a bit more clipping, then starts to blow dry and style my hair. Eventually she's done, and with everyone wearing a look of satisfaction on their faces, I'm turned towards the mirror to see the final product.

"Oh…my…Lord..."

*****************************************

"Aubrey, I want to thank you for coming with me to pick things out for Tam."

"No problem Mrs. C, I enjoy shopping. This should be a blast."

Smiling at her enthusiasm, I say, "Well with the both of you the same age, I thought you'd have a better idea on the style we should get her. Oh it's so weird saying that."

Giggling, Aubrey replies, "I know what you mean."

"I also wanted to ask a favor of you."

"Sure Mrs. C, anything."

"Well, you and Tam are friends, and I'm going to rely on you to help get him accustomed to acting like a girl, but there may also be problems. There may be times that Tam will confide in you before he comes to me. I'm not really asking you to break any confidences between the two of you, but if Tam does start to have troubles, the sooner they're dealt with, the better for everyone. Understand?"

"I don't know Mrs. C; I mean if it's private stuff, I don't think that would be right. I will promise this though, If I have doubts or if I think it's something that’s hurting him, then, at the very least I'll make him…I mean her tell you."

"Okay hon, I appreciate that."

"You know something? When I first met Tam it was so hard not to say her, now I've got to get into the habit again."

"I know what you mean. Now how about we find her some clothes?"

The shopping doesn't take too long. Tam only needs a couple of things. If this continues, then we'll do some more shopping when we get back home.

I am glad that I took Aubrey along as she's very in tune with what kids her age are wearing, and she corrected some things I had picked out. I did have to stop her from picking out a couple of skirts. They were adorable, but I don't think Tam is quite ready for them yet.

When we get back we carry the bags up to my room, and as we're setting them down, Melissa sticks her head in from the other room.

"Mom, you ready to see something really wild?"

Melissa is wearing a huge smile and Aubrey is going "What, what?"

"What did you girls do, you didn't go crazy did you?"

"No, we didn't, but you should see the transformation." And with that she opens the door all the way. Aubrey rushes into the other room and I hear her squeal "OMG you look fantastic!"

I follow her in, and there's Tam standing in the middle of the room looking very nervous, with Aubrey checking him out very closely.

I have to admit that the change is startling. "I thought you said you didn't do too much." And I too approach Tam and take in the effect of her new look.

"Aw Mom, there's a lot of girls wearing their hair like this now, but doesn't it look great?"

Her hair is now quite a bit shorter, and in a rather cute pixie cut. The startling thing isn't the cut, but that it's now completely white. I have to admit it really looks good on her, and it leaves no doubt that she's a girl.

"Well Tam, what do you think? You're the one that has to live with it."

Feeling the back of her neck where it's been cut the shortest, Tam grouches, "I look like Miley Cyrus."

"Actually, you look lots better," pipes in Kat.

"She has bigger boobs though," adds Jen.

"Not by much," says Joan smiling from the bed.

Grabbing a blushing Tam's hand, Aubrey starts to lead her into the other room. "You guys wait here while Tam changes." Then I hear her say, "Oh this is so exciting," just as the door closes.

Turning to the girls I say, "Good job, I was half expecting an hysterical wreck when I got back here, but she's handling things really well, and you even got a bit of makeup on her too. Thanks for keeping it subtle."

*****************************************

"So, tell me how do you like it? asks Aubrey. "It looks so great on you."

"Well, at first I didn't know what to think. This is a big change for me. My hair hasn't been shorter than my shoulders since I can't remember, and then having it white? I'm stunned! I see it, but I can't take it in! The back of my neck hasn't felt this naked....ever!"

As I'm talking, Aubrey is putting the bags they brought onto the bed. "And now?" she asks.

"I-I'm not sure. If I can get past that this is me, then I think I like it. It does feel weird with it this short, and I guess no one will mistake me for a boy now."

"Well maybe, but not after you put what we got you on."

"Oh God, you didn't get me a dress did you?"

Giggling Aubrey replies, "No, although there was this really cute skirt I wanted to get you; your Mom nixed that though."

"Thank goodness."

"Okay, take that stuff off and put this on." and Aubrey starts pulling things out of the bag and setting it on the bed. "Ooops let me get the tags off." With that she sits on the bed and starts to un-pack things, and remove tags.

"Uh…"

Looking up at me she says, "What?" Then noticing my hesitancy she rolls her eyes and says "It's just us girls Tam, you really need to get over being so shy." But she shifts on the bed until her back is towards me, then adds, "There, now you can change, and hurry, I can't wait to see."

"Aubrey, um I'm not really a girl. Maybe I should go into the bathroom."

Sighing she says, "But we need to treat you like you are, and the more we do, the more comfortable you'll be. Now change, I don't have eyes in the back of my head. Here, start with these."

Aubrey holds up a bra in one hand, and knickers in the other.

"Oh my, I don't really need those do I?"

"Yes you do. First the bra will give you some shape, it’s really well padded, and you don't want to have boy's underwear on under these clothes. Now hurry."

Taking the bra and knickers, I slowly and nervously start to take my clothes off. Frequently looking at Aubrey; to make sure she doesn't turn around, I first take off my shirt then my trousers. Holding the knickers, and with my eyes glued to the back of her head to make sure she doesn't move, I lower my underwear, then step into the knickers.

Wow, are these different. I take a second and start tucking myself back a bit. Looking down I'm a bit startled by the look. This dressing as a girl is really making my head spin. I take the bra, and as I check it out I'm just baffled by it. I try putting it on, but just can't get it. By this time, Aubrey has taken the tags off of the black jeans they got me, and has them draped over her shoulder. I take them and pull them on. It's a struggle to get them all the way up they're so tight. I don't even try to button them, and say to Aubrey, "Um, I think the jeans are too small."

Aubrey spins around and says, "Let's see."

Startled, I jump and say "Aubrey!"

"Don't be silly. Hey, you didn't put the bra on."

"I don't know how." And blushing, I look at the floor.

"It's easy silly, let me show you."

At that, she gets up and comes around to stand behind me. We turn a bit to the right, and we're looking into the large mirror on the opposite wall. Aubrey takes the bra from me, and straps it around my chest, the clasp in the front.

"See, you first hook it in front of you, then spin it around, then work your arms through the straps." As she's explaining this, she's helping me do it, I'm watching the both of us in the mirror, the site is so erotic, she then cups the bra as if groping me, and looking over my shoulder, smiles and says, "And then you just adjust them until they're comfortable. How's that?"

How's that? Cripes, it feels like the temperature in the room just shot up ten degrees! I'm looking at the two of us in the mirror, her hands still covering the cups of the bra, slowly moving around. My jeans are up, but open, and you can see the peach color of my knickers peeking through. As we stand here, my breathing has increased, I can feel her warm breath on my neck, and it makes me shiver, or maybe it’s the smell of her hair, like wildflowers. Neither one of us say anything for a few seconds, then I realize that if she wanted to, Aubrey could have looked up and seen me changing in the mirror. Did she?

Before I can say anything, Aubrey reaches over, grabs the white tank top from the bed, and starts to put it over my head. "I don't know Tam; I think I'm going to have to keep you away from Miyoko and Carolane."

"Why?" I ask as she pulls the top down and starts to smooth it.

"Did Mi happen to mention that she plans on going into the Air Force Academy after she graduates?"

"Yeah, what does that have to do with it?"

"Well let's just say that since 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' got repealed, she won't have to worry about who she dates."

My eyes widen with sudden understanding, and Aubrey starts to tuck the shirt into my jeans. The feel of her hands is making my head spin all the more. Aubrey turns me until we're facing each other, and she starts to tuck in the front. "Yeah, she and Carolane are an item, and they keep trying to get me to join them." The thought makes my breath go ragged. "I've never been interested in girls though, guys have always been my thing."

At this point I feel like I'm drunk, and have a raging fever. My mouth is dry and I don't know what to say.

"Tam, I don't know what it is though, but I've never been as turned on by anyone, as I am right now with you."

Surprised, I look up into her eyes. We're so very close, our bodies are pressed together, her hands on my hips. "You can kiss me if you want to Tam."

Our lips barely touch; her tongue lightly caresses my lip. Just as I'm about to press in for more, there's a loud knocking at the door making us both jump.

"Hey you guys," yells Kat, "Hurry up, we want to see the final product."

"J-just a second, we're almost done," Aubrey yells back.

With the spell broken, I turn, and blushing at what just happened, I try to button the jeans closed. It's tough, but I manage, then zip them up.

"T-they're a bit tight." I mumble.

Her voice, still a bit shaky, Aubrey replies, "They're perfect." Handing me a wide, white leather belt she adds, "Here, put this on too, and I'll get the boots, I hope they fit."

While she opens a large box, I put the belt on.

The boots she pulls out are black, and when I slip them on they go up to my knees, with my jeans tucked inside. "They fit fine, perfect in fact."

"Good, here, put this on."

Out of another bag she pulls a lightweight, black leather jacket.

While I shrug into that, she opens a small box, and pulls out some earrings that look like large black paper clips, about three inches long. Aubrey comes over and takes out my posts, and puts them on me. Looking at me, Aubrey says in an almost whisper, "so hot…" then kisses me strongly on the mouth. Before I can react, she pulls back, wipes her thumb along my lip to take care of the smear she caused, then hurries over to the door.

"Okay you guys, you ready?"

"Come on already," Melissa yells back.

Aubrey opens the door, and taking a deep breath to steady my nerves, I follow her into the other room.

Chapter 14

For the hundredth time I've asked myself if I've done the right thing in letting Tam masquerade as a girl, and now I'm beginning to wonder if it truly is a masquerade. When Tam walked in from the other room, after getting dressed in the clothes we'd bought, it's true he was flushed, and nervous, but that was to be expected, he also looked every inch the teenage girl.

In the following days, with few exceptions, I've also never seen Tam happier, or more open and carefree. The memory of one of those exceptions makes me smile.

First thing on Monday morning we were back at the studio, this time, the group had a new manager, Mark Shuda, and a new temporary lead guitar player in Tam. After the band went through one of their songs for Warner, to show them that Tam would indeed work, they were all smiles, and we ended up signing contracts that day.

Tuesday was reserved for their promotional department; to work on the band's image, and that's where the humor comes in. We met with the promo team, and the girls were immediately set upon by a group of stylists. All the girls were having a blast, getting made up, and trying on different outfits, all that is except Tam. The poor dear spent half the time looking frightened at the new experience, and the other half glowering at the stylist people.

For the production shot for the band, they had picked an off the shoulder dress for her to wear. It was short, but not that short, just above the knee, and one arm was fully covered, while the other was completely bare. It had a thin belt, and they had her in these cute ankle boots, which admittedly, had a bit of a heel.

Poor Tam fought tooth and nail to not wear the outfit, and when she first came out she kept pulling down the hem. I'm surprised she didn't break an ankle whenever she took a step, and she did tend to fall quite a bit. The photographer finally gave up trying to get Tam to smile, and they ended up selecting the picture where she wasn't glowering quite as much as some of the others. As soon as it was done, Tam made record time getting back to the dressing room, and changing, and only fell twice along the way. It was all any of us could do not to laugh out loud.

On Wednesday, we spent the morning finishing up some of the promo work, and in the afternoon we caught our flight back home. We have two weeks to get things settled at home before the band needs to be back in California to begin recording. It seems rather rushed to me. Mark was able to confirm that Warner is moving at record speed to get the band recorded, and to start the promotions.

Because of this short schedule, it’s been a big challenge to not only get everything ready, but to get Tam in to see the doctors. We got in, to get him…damn it, get her, her physical, and after practically crying at the doctor's office, I was able to get Tam in to see a psychologist, who could not only help Tam with some of the trauma she's had to deal with, but who also deals with gender identity issues, and can hopefully help Tam in that area as well. That's where we are now, Tam's been in talking with the doctor for the past two hours, and I've been out in the waiting room biting my nails to the quick. Hearing my name being called snaps me out of my reverie.

"Mrs. Calvert," the receptionist calls out, "The doctor would like you to go on back now please."

Doctor Rebecca Hargrove came well recommended, and I'm hoping, as I make my way back to her office, that she isn't about to tell me what a horrible mother I am for letting Tam dress as a girl. With my stomach in knots, I pause and knock on the door.

"Doctor Hargrove, I was told to come on back."

"Come on in Amy, and take a seat." The doctor directs me to sit in the chair next to Tam, while she closes the door to her office, and resumes her seat behind her desk.

"I know you have a few questions, and Tam and I have had a productive talk so far. I'd like to go over some things that will, at least in part, answer your questions. I've already discussed much of this with Tam."

At my nod she continues, "First of all, I did talk to Doctor Tanner regarding the physical Tam had last week, and the results of the blood work that was done. Tam is a healthy genetic male of sixteen years of age, with notable delaying of puberty."

"Now puberty may be delayed for several years, and still occur normally, but there may also be underlying causes for the delay. It's common to explore possible underlying causes, if there are multiple areas of pubertal delay. Tam does exhibit several areas of delay; Tam is undersized based upon her age and family history, she has delayed testicular enlargement, and the growth of pubic hair is also delayed."

"Given these indicators Doctor Tanner rightfully felt the need to examine possible underlying causes."

"After review of the lab work done, Doctor Tanner and I both agree that root cause is more than likely related to when Tam contracted mumps when she was five. According to Tam it was quite severe; resulting in hospitalization, and was accompanied by an extended high fever and orchitis, or when the testes become infected; it's quite painful."

Tam interjects, "It was, it felt like someone kept whacking me down there, over and over."

Continuing Doctor Hargrove says, "I'm sure it did, and unfortunately it can cause the delay we're seeing in Tam. The fact that Tam's body isn't producing testosterone helps confirm this."

"Now, normally the treatment is testosterone replacement, but we might have a problem with that."

"Tam and I have had a very long talk today, particularly about the desire to live as a girl for the next few months. Initially when you told me the circumstances of why she was doing so, I felt that it could cause some harm to Tam. Now, after our talk, I do see the criteria of possible gender identity disorder, and feel that Tam definitely needs to be fully evaluated."

"Tam has had a long-standing identification with the opposite gender, as well as a sense of incongruity in her gender-assigned role. Tam does not have any physical intersex characteristics, and as you yourself have noted, Tam is significantly more at ease since taking on the role of a girl."

"All of these fit the criteria for GID and warrant further evaluation."

"If we were to start Tam on testosterone treatments now, that could compromise things a bit. So, after discussing this with Tam, here are my recommendations:"

"First, I feel it's essential that Tam continue to meet with a therapist. I understand that for the summer at least, Tam will be travelling and spending most of her time in California. Therefore, I'll get you some names of some doctors that she can see while there, and who I've worked with before."

"Second, Doctor Tanner and I have discussed the need for further tests to confirm our diagnosis. We will continue to discuss Tam's situation, and what our course of action should be."

I'm relieved that I'm not the terrible mother I was thinking I was, and I see a sense of relief in Tam's eyes as well.

*****************************************

Following Aubrey out of the room, I feel sure that everyone knows what just happened between us. I'm suddenly thankful that my willy is less than average, and that a stiffy for me is rare; I never thought I'd see that day. But instead of everyone pointing and laughing at what had happened, they all cheer and clap my new look.

"It’s not fair," cries out Melissa, "Tam looks more like a rock star than the rest of us."

She's smiling and Joan pipes up, "She'll be the silent, mysterious one of the band. Every band needs one, and she looks the part."

"If that means I don't have to talk to people, then," I say, "I'm all for that."

Everyone continues to talk about my new look for a bit, then Mum lets us know that we'll be meeting with our potential new manager, Mark Shuda, this afternoon, then we'll go out to dinner afterwards.

With the focus now off of me, I breathe a sigh of relief, and go back to my shared room with Mum I shrug off the jacket, and look at it closer. It’s nice, and it's the first leather jacket I've ever had. I place it on the chair, and looking up, I give myself a critical look in the mirror. Looking at myself I'm, well, confused, but at the same time a bit pleased. Hearing the door between the rooms close, I turn and see Mum standing there.

“How are you holding up?”

Turning back to the mirror, I reply, “Okay I guess. This is all so…bizarre.”

“I’m sure, anything you want to talk about? You can stop at any time you know.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s all so confusing. I’ve spent most of my time growing up telling people I’m really a boy, and now I got to stop that and say I’m a girl.” Turning sideways to the mirror I examine my profile. “It’s always bothered me, at least a little bit, when people would get my gender confused, and mistake me for a girl, I thought that actually pretending to be one would bug me more, but it hasn’t. That’s weird, I guess. I reckon I do look a bit like a girl, this bra helps more than I thought it would.” Looking down at my chest I continue, “Though people will be hard pressed to see that we’re related.”

I look up and smile when Mum gives a laugh. “Don’t worry; a lot of girls your age are just as…under developed. In fact Katrina was just like that at sixteen, which caused no end of bickering between your sisters, as Melissa was an early bloomer, and used to rub the fact in Kat’s face. But Katrina then came into her own just as she was turning seventeen, so as I said, don’t worry. Besides, do you really want to try to deal with something larger?”

Chuckling I say, “Probably not, it feels pretty weird as it is; a bra filled with water balloons would freak me out completely.” Mom laughs at that, and I continue, “I’m going to step out for a bit and get a soda, you want anything?”

“No I’m fine. Don’t be too long, we’ll go get some lunch in a bit.”

“Okay, back in a while.”

I grab my jacket off the chair, step outside and head towards the inner courtyard area. Along the way I stop and get a soda out of the machine. When I get to the courtyard I sit at one of the tables, take a sip of my drink, and fish out a ciggie. Lighting up I pull the smoke deep into my lungs, and begin to relax.

I wonder if I’m going to turn completely gaga by doing this. Dad always used to joke, and say that I was nuttier than a fruitcake, now I wonder if he wasn’t right after all. Putting my feet up on the chair next to me I try to work my way through all this mess I seem to have jumped into.

Why am I scared to death, yet happy. Disgusted with myself for taking on this role, yet feel more at ease with myself. Just as I’m finishing up my drink, and about to light up again, movement to my right causes me to look up.

Just stepping up to my table is a young bloke, a bit older than me, looking very hesitant. Behind him, and on the other side of the courtyard, are either his brothers, or his friends. They’re looking this way as if waiting for something to happen.

At first I’m worried, but soon figure that this guy isn’t a threat, and even if he was, this area is far too public to do anything.

Without saying anything, I light up another cigarette and watch him, waiting for him to make the first move. This seems to unnerve him even more, and I find that I like having this ability over him.

“Um…hi.”

I just nod my head, and look at him with a quizzical expression.

“Ah, so are you from around here?”

I can hear his mates laughing from across the courtyard. Thickening up my accent a bit I respond, “Oh yeah, when I want to feel a bit flash, I get a room 'ere, my flat’s really just around the corner. It's pricey, but you know 'ow it is.”

He has the good grace to blush a bit, but continues to try to chat me up. “Oh cool you’re like from England, or Australia, right?”

“Aw, you found me out, what gave me away?” Australia? Really?

“Your accent, I could tell right away.”

I can’t help but roll my eyes a bit. Taking my feet down off the other chair, I stand and start to put my jacket back on. This seems to put him in a bit of a panic and he says, “So, are you, like, someone famous?”

Biting back my first instinct to tell him I was the Queen, I just shake my head and say, “Not me,luv, just passin’ through. Gotta get back now.”

Before he can reply, I take my empty bottle, turn and head to the room. As I turn the corner I hear his friends crowing and laughing, whether at me or him I’m not sure. The whole episode is just too bizarre, and I don't know what to make of it. I do know that if I tell the others I'll be teased no end, so I'll keep it to myself.

When I get back to the room, Mum wrinkles her nose at the smell of smoke on me, so I head back to the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I'm done, and join her in the other room, she says, "That really is a nasty habit you know. You need to quit."

Shrugging my shoulders a bit I reply, "Yeah, I know but it does help me relax. I'll make you a deal though, if I don't end up jumping off a bridge, or in some other way go stark raving bonkers by the time Joan is better, I'll give it a go, and try to quit, deal?"

Smiling Mum answers, "Well I guess I'm not going to get a better offer out of you, so deal, but I warn you I'll hold you too it. Now why don't we get the others, and go get some lunch?"

Lunch goes well, and a bit afterwards, we meet with our potential new manager, Mark Shuda. I was at first wondering why this bloke was interested in us; as I didn't think he knew anything about the band, but as it turns out, he heard both the band's demo, and the one done at Warner the other day. After that, he thought the band had enough potential to explore a relationship.

He seems to know what he's doing, and despite the close relationship he has with Warner, he genuinely seems to have our best interest at heart.

I felt really nervous when I was introduced, and my situation explained, but he hardly batted an eye at that. He did know of my Dad and was sorry to hear of his passing.

The others took an immediate liking to him, and everyone decided that the band would sign him. That triggered a bunch of activity on his part. He would contact Warner, and push on getting us signed, and as interested as they were, he felt that it wouldn't be a problem. He did ask if we could extend our stay through next week. However, Mum felt that due to Joan's accident, and the short notice to fly out in the first place, we needed to get back to deal with things back home as soon as possible. Eventually they compromised on extending our stay until Wednesday.

Word comes back on Sunday from Mark that Warner wants to get us signed on Monday, and also wants to push the marketing for the band. At this point we're not exactly sure what that means, except it seems that Warner really wants to fast track us which is great news.

Bright and early on Monday, we're back in the studio. With the news of Joan breaking her arm, they wanted to hear me play with the band to ensure that I'll work out okay. Once again, the sound engineer is Nick, and we exchange a few hellos before getting set up.

As we're getting things ready, I happen to look up to the booth, and I see Nick talking with the others from Warner, as well as Mum and Mark. He throws a switch, and you can tell they're listening to some music, since the connection to the booth is off, my guess is they're listening to what was recorded by the band last week, so they'll have something to compare to.

We finish setting up and the crowd in the booth seem pleased, so we start off immediately with 'Summertime'. We all play well together, and Mellissa sounds, if anything, better than the last time. The smiles coming from the booth when we're done say it all, and the verbal praise only confirms things.

Mum, Joan and Aubrey come down to join us, and we're all in great spirits. Glancing back to the booth, I can tell they're listening to music again. This time there are not only some similes, but some surprised looks as well. I wonder what that's about, but soon put it from my mind as we continue to discuss our good fortune.

We then adjourn to a conference room, where we first go over the contract with Mark, then the Warner people come in, and we all sign. Even though I'm only filling in for Joan on a temporary basis, they still insist that I sign too. Giving it a shrug I go ahead and do so.

With that out of the way, we're all told that tomorrow would be taken up with putting together the promotional package for the band. This afternoon everyone will get measured by the promo department. Tomorrow we'll be having pictures done, and the initial promo ideas will be discussed.

If I had known on Monday what I would have to endure the next day, I probably wouldn't have signed, in fact, I probably would have run away.

As soon as we get to the studio, we're taken to another part where there's this huge room set up for taking photos. When we get there, we're immediately attacked by this group of women who lead us over to some makeup tables. The others seemed excited, but I just feel a sense of dread coming on.

The first thing they do is touch up our makeup. Okay, nothing too unexpected there, and I can put up with that. Then they start working on our hair, and again I suck it up and deal with it. They put goop in mine to make it stand up more, but I'll just wash it out later, so no big deal. I wasn’t really happy about this, and admittedly felt self-conscious, but I did it anyway.

As a group, then individually, we're brought over, and led through a series of poses while getting our picture taken. Personally I feel ridiculous doing this, but try my best. When we're done with that, I think we're really done, but oh no, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Each of us is given an outfit to change into, and when I see mine I just can't believe it.

They want to put me in a dress! What..the..F***, its short enough to be a shirt! This is my line in the sand, and I tell them in no uncertain words, 'NO'.

A word to the wise, always read what you sign, as the contract we signed yesterday gives Warner the right to mould our image, and as it's pointed out to me, that includes having me in a bloody dress. No matter how hard I argue, or plead, or cry, there's no getting around that, and I finally cave. No one seems to understand my reluctance, and I can't even fully explain it, so I take the dress and go back to change.

Since the dress is missing its left sleeve, I tuck the bra strap for that side down, and eventually get in it and all zipped up.

Christ, this thing is short!

I feel sure that I'm fully exposed in this thing, as I manage to put on the short boots they gave me.

With extremely shaky legs, I stand up and put this skinny belt on. With my first step my ankle twists, and I fall. How the hell do women walk in these things? I'm not sure how tall the heels are, but they feel like they must be at least a foot tall, I know that's impossible, but that's what they feel like. The only good thing is, I'm now above five feet, and that's a good feeling.

Step by shaky step I make my way back out, falling against tables and other people along the way. The others are trying to hide it, but I know they're laughing. I'm beet red from embarrassment, and not at all happy. I have to keep pulling the hem down, to keep from flashing the world, and that doesn't help my balance either.

They try to get some shots of me standing in various poses, but that doesn't work so well, then they finally end up getting me in a sitting position.

Despite being constantly told to 'smile' and 'dear you're not going to a funeral, can you try not to act like you are?' I just can't muster the energy the others are. Finally, the photographer says he has enough, and I'm told that they're done with me.

As quickly as possible I get up to head to the changing rooms. Unfortunately, I immediately fall, Waving everyone away, and cursing in two languages, I get back to my feet and continue, only to fall again, bruising my knees, and flashing my knickers to the world.

God I could just die!
Mum finally comes back to help me, and she gives me a bit of a cuddle when she finds me crying.

"Oh Mum, I tried, I really did, and all I did was muck things up for everyone. I'm so sorry, they must be really pissed off with me."

"Shush now. No one's upset with you, and you didn't ruin anything. I think that, all things considered, it went very well. I did see some of the pictures, and you look great in them."

Not really believing her I look up through tear streaked eyes, and ask, "Are you sure, you're not just saying that?"

"I'm sure honey. Now then, let's clean off your makeup before it gets on your dress."

"Um…would you…I just…"

After Mum has helped me clean the crud off my face, I ask, pointing to the dress "Would you mind helping me get out of this embarrassment?"

"Sure honey, just turn and I'll get that zipper for you, and I'll be right outside if you need anything else."

"Thanks Mum."

After un-zipping me, Mum steps out, and I quickly change. When the others are done with their photos, we head back to the hotel. Tomorrow we'll finish up this first part of the promotional stuff, then fly back home in the afternoon.

Chapter 15

The next two weeks back home fly by. I get my physical, and meet my new therapist. Apparently, I do have all the signs of a true gender identity disorder. She really feels that so much of the confusion and denial I've felt, and dealt with all my life, can be resolved. She made it quite clear that there's not going to be a quick resolution, and the process itself is going to take a lot of work and dedication on my part. Even after only our first session I feel better, and have strong hopes.

She gets Mum a name of a doctor in California that I can see and work with. The two will confer, so everybody is on the same page. I have to get some more tests done, so they can be sure what's wrong with my body; why it seems to have stopped maturing. But because it has, I don't have to be on any hormone blockers, and if I do decide to continue as a girl, then moving forward would be a fairly straight deal, I'd just start female hormones.

The thought of me continuing to live as a girl both surprises me and frightens me, but at the same time, it kind of feels right. It used to be that whenever I'd look at myself in the mirror, I'd not like what I saw, so I tended to avoid them, and didn't care much about my appearance. Now when I look at myself, I have little flashes of liking what I see. It's all very confusing, but that's why I'm seeing the doctors.

My wardrobe going back to California is considerably different than what I had the first time. Now, practically everything has a bit of a feminine air to it. There was quite a bit of clothing in the box that I could use, and the tight black shorts that I had originally used, turn out to be perfect for helping to hide things. It seems that with just a little bit of pushing, my testis slip right back up inside, and my willy is small enough that it tucks away quite easily too. So long as I'm wearing those shorts, or my knickers are snug enough, you really can't tell that I'm any different down there than any other girl.

Heading back to California, we unfortunately have to leave Joan and Aubrey behind. Joan is fighting for custody of Aubrey, and they have court dates to contend with. Any collaboration, as far as writing songs and other band business, will have to be handled by phone.

I had been hoping to find a bit of alone time with Aubrey before we left, but it never happened. Every time I'd try, something always came up. I also got the feeling that something about what happened between us bothered Aubrey, but when I asked she said no. Joan's going to house sit while Mum is with us, and just as we were about to leave for the airport, Aubrey gave me a kiss, so I guess I believe her. Maybe she's just confused about what happened, and needs time to figure it out, I know I do.

"I'm going to miss our house real soon," comments Melissa.

We're all checking out our apartment in California. Since we'll be here for a while it makes better sense than paying for a hotel. Mark found us a three bedroom apartment not too far from the studio. The bedrooms are small, but the place is clean and furnished, and we probably won't be spending too much time here. When we do, the complex has a pool, so we can hang out there.

Everyone is doubling up in the rooms, and again I get to room with Mum. After getting my things put away, and checking to make sure my guitars are tuned again, I collapse on the bed, and soon dozing off.

It just seems like a few minutes later that Kat is in the room shaking me.

"Get up, get up, sleepyhead. There will be time for sleeping later; we're all going down to the pool. Get up and get changed."

Rolling over to ask her if she's insane it's already too late as she's dashing out of the room again. Just as I'm beginning to doze off again I sense someone coming into the room. Opening an eye I see Mum standing next to me, smiling down.

"Come on Tam, you need to get up or you won’t sleep tonight. Come on down and join us, it's a nice pool."

Yawning I reply, "You're kidding right? First, I don't swim, Second I don't have something to swim in, and Third, even if I did, you'd have to shoot me with a tranquilizer gun to get me in it. Did I mention that I don't swim?"

"Are telling me you don't know how to swim?"

"Well, a little bit. I can keep my head above water, just, and my swimming does tend to draw the attention of the lifeguards; they keep wanting to rescue me."

Laughing Mom says, "Well then at least change into some shorts, and come and join us." Turning to the dresser she opens the drawers and pulling out a pair of jean shorts, she tosses them to me, then a tank top to wear with it. "There you go, now hurry up and change." Mum then goes to the other dresser and pulls out her swimsuit.

I quickly get up and taking my shorts and tank top, I say, "I'll just go change in the bathroom." And I head out the door.

I immediately see that having just one bathroom is going to be a problem. Kat is at the door, knocking on it, and telling Melissa to hurry. Jen is also waiting, but another potential problem comes to mind as well. Here I am living with five women; we are all living in a small space, sharing a single bathroom, we all will be needing to change clothes and quite frankly all of them, including Mum are knockouts.

Mesha comes walking out in her bikini, sans top. She's carrying it in her hand, and walking towards Jen she puts it over her head, then turns and asks her to tie it for her. Now seeing women topless is no big thing, you go to most beaches in Europe, and it's quite common. This is different though, I'm not exactly sure how, but it is, and I feel myself getting flushed.

Mom comes to the door of our room, and she's already in her suit, a brown one-piece, and says, "Tam, come back in here and change. If you wait for them you'll be there all day."

Going back into the room I can't help but stare a bit at Mum, and not even really meaning to say anything out loud, I say "You sure don't look like you could have daughters Kat and Melissa's age."

"Why thank you Tam, you're now my favorite child." Mom's smiling and I reply, "Sorry Mum that just came out."

"No need to be sorry, a complement is always welcome. Now I promise I'll keep my back turned so you can go ahead and get changed too."

She puts action to her words, and I start to change my clothes. While I'm changing I ask, "Mum, it's none of my business, but why haven't you remarried?"

"I did."

Surprised I look up and ask, "Why aren't you still married?"

"About three years, after you and your father left, I met a man, and a couple of years later we married. He's the one who got me interested in real estate. He was an architect. Anyway, he passed away five years ago this June, and I've just never wanted to go that route again. I've just concentrated my time on the girls and my work, and now I've got you. Are you done yet?"

"Just about, you can turn around now. Don't you miss it though, having someone? You're still young, and you're certainly a knock out, which must be where the girls get their looks."

"Tam you say the sweetest things, and yes, sometimes I do miss having someone, but like I said, I've had the girls and now I have you. Who knows, maybe someday?"

Sensing the need to change the subject I say, "I think I need another pair of shorts, these are way short, and rather tight too. The shirt's rather short as well."

"They're supposed to be that way. The shirt's a crop top, and the shorts are short, shorts. It looks cute on you. You've got nice legs, and the figure to wear it well."

"Are you sure? I don't look like a…a…"

"You look like a lovely young girl. Now come on, let's see if we can get the others going."

Holding back I ask, "You don't think they'll laugh at me do you?"

"No, they most certainly will not. You heard them before; everyone is very supportive of you."

Hoping she's right I slip on my flip-flops, and follow her out to the living room.

The sight that greets me, nearly makes my heart stop. The girls are all wearing bikinis, and when before their looks would make you forget to breathe, now it’s like being pinned down and slapped silly. Everyone grabs a towel, the girls wrapping theirs around their waist. I get a plastic bag, and toss my phone and cigs in it, then grabbing my sunglasses, I follow after.

Once down at the pool we take over three of the tables, and the girls immediately jump into the pool. Mum stretches out on one of the lounge chairs, and starts to work on her laptop. Making sure I'm fully under one of the table umbrellas, I light up a cig, and watch the girls' splash and play.

The girls are all very talented, and I'm sure that opened the door for them, but I do suspect that the fact that all of them are knockouts helped quite a bit as well. Melissa and Katrina, despite being twins are like night and day. Whereas Melissa is blonde with green eyes, Kat has dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Melissa looks a lot like the model, Kate Upton, she takes after Mum. Mum is even prettier. Kat is taller, with more of a tanned complexion. Melissa is the girl next door, and Kat the exotic one.

Not as exotic as Mesha though. Mesha with her black hair, golden mocha complexion, dark eyes with just a hint of the orient in them, WOW!. Jen is the redhead of the group but more of a dark auburn than bright red, and it's very curly. She's even paler than I am, and fairly explodes with freckles. Before coming down she was slathering on the sunscreen. She has the greenest eyes that always seem to be laughing at some secret joke. She also has the smallest bust size of the group, well except for me, but on her it looks great.

Joan, and for that matter Aubrey, who is just a miniature of her sister, both have thick straight brown hair, kind of a chestnut color, with Aubrey's several shades lighter than her sisters. Brown eyes for both, set on heart shaped faces that can't hide their feelings.

In comparing all of them, I can't help but feel that I'm pulling them down. Well it won't be for long, and all eyes will be on the center of the stage, and not on me, so it won't really matter that much.

Pulling out my phone and plugging in my headphones, I continue my self-education by bringing up a video on YouTube on how to apply makeup. This being a girl is a lot of hard work.

*****************************************

Poor Tam, this living as a girl is not easy, and she's trying so hard. I have to continually remind myself to say she rather than he but it is getting easier. Tam actually makes a quite lovely girl, especially when she lets her guard down and relaxes, then her beauty really shines.

The doctor stressed that this is a trial period for Tam. The only way to tell if you can live as the opposite gender, is to actually do it. If you can't, it doesn't mean you aren't gender dysphoric, it just means that you can't live as the opposite gender at that time. It's all very confusing, and I can't imagine going through something like that. It must be terrible; feeling that your gender and your body don't match.

I did have a talk with the girls, trying to explain what was happening, and stressing that Tam needs us to support her in every way, treating her like a girl in every way. They all agreed, and I'm very proud of all of them.

I think that Tam also has an added problem in liking girls so much. By itself there's nothing wrong with that, and there's certainly nothing wrong with a girl liking girls.

But to be a girl trapped in a boy’s body, who likes girls, and has an almost fear of men? Well it just seems to me that's just one problem piled upon another, and it just doesn't seem fair. As I watch Tam studying something on her phone, I just hope it all works out.

Now to try to catch up on work, I'm hoping that we can get a better idea on what the studio wants out of the band this week. I can't be out here too long, or financially things will start to get really tight. I think the girls will be able to look after Tam and each other, their manager will be here to help too. I'm hoping that I can come out and visit often, as I really don't like them being out here without me. If this goes on too long, maybe I ought to look at moving out here, it's worth checking out at least.

Chapter 16

We all felt that this first week would be a bit hectic, but that doesn’t even begin to describe things. When we aren’t at the studio, Melissa and Joan are on the phone working on a song to cover Spring, since no one really got into my idea. That’s okay, I don’t really mind, and from what I’ve heard so far, the new song is going to be pretty good. When we’re at the studio, part of our time is with the image consultants, who are trying to get our ‘look’ just right for promotion. Thank goodness they finally gave up trying to get me in a dress.

The majority of our time though, is spent in the studio itself recording our album. The studio has some songs they'd like to add, and their song writer, or one of them at least, is working hard, trying to blend with our style. Melissa is in heaven working with this guy, and from what I can tell, Joan is too. The three of them are constantly on a conference call.

By the end of the week everyone's pretty happy on how well ‘Summertime’ is coming together, except me. Everyone in Restless Girls sings, with Joan doing a lot of the backing vocals, and truthfully ‘Summertime’ works best with it.

I tried to avoid singing, but when we were in the studio on Wednesday, they asked me why I wasn’t singing. I replied that I don’t sing. That’s when they drop the bomb on me, telling me they’ve heard me sing, and to stop messing around.

Well I was totally gobsmacked. That’s when Nick tells me that on the first day when Aubrey and I were setting things up, he heard me sing, and had in fact recorded me. So everyone was surprised, and I was embarrassed. Now I’m doing some backing vocals. The thing that surprises me about this whole incident, is the lack of response from the others. Oh, they’ve said that they like my voice and not to be so shy, but that’s all. I guess that just goes to show you how much you can blow things out of proportion.

I've just finished mentioning this to Jackie, my new therapist here in LA. This whole therapy thing is confusing; as I'm really not sure how it is supposed to work just yet.

"So tell me," asks Jackie, "Why didn't you want to sing?"

"Well, um, it's not that I don't like to sing, it's just…well I'm a bit self-conscious about it is all."

"Why? Do you sound funny or something? I can relate to that as I can't carry a tune in a bucket. Are you like that too?"

"Well, no. It's not that I can't sing, or sing reasonably well."

"Then why not sing? Did you ever sing in front of your father?"

"Yeah."

"Did he like your singing?"

"Yeah, I guess. I mean, he said he did."

"Then why don't you want to sing in front of others?"

"Because, well 'cause I…I sound…"

When I stop, she prompts, "Yes, you sound…?"

"Like a girl," I mumble into my chest.

When she doesn't reply I look up and see her with a little half smile on her face. When she sees me looking at her, she looks at me from head to toe and back, then cocks an eyebrow at me. "Seems to me that's a good thing."

Feeling even more down, I quietly reply, "Not if you're a bloke."

"Ah, okay then. But now that you're presenting as a girl it's okay?"

"Well….Yeah I guess."

"Tam, I know why your presenting as a girl, well the current reasons at least, but I've got to tell you, I don't think it's a good thing for you."

"But," I interrupt, "I do feel better like this, a bit at least."

"More than a bit from what we've discussed so far, and that is the only reason I haven't been more insistent that you stop, and get further in your therapy before going forward again."

At my confused look she continues, "You've spent the past sixteen years living, and believing that you are a boy. Now that's all been tossed into a blender, and there's understandable confusion. I think it would be better for you to not toss in actually living as a girl, before we go through and resolve some of the issues you've grown up with."

"But I thought that the diagnosis confirmed that I have gender disorder, identity disorder, whatever you call it."

"It does, but I feel strongly that we need to explore the entire underlying basis for that diagnosis, and to fully make sure that you're ready to present as female.

"Tam, there are girls out there, that even though they were born with male parts, have never had one bit of confusion as to their true identified gender. For someone like that, it can make sense to present as soon as possible, but even for them there is a…culture shock if you will, that needs to be dealt with. There are also those who don't realize so early, some who don't come to the realization until very late in life even.

For those, like you, who have lived as their physical gender, to suddenly, without preparation, start living as the other, well it can cause a lot of problems, if nothing else it makes things harder than they need to be. It's like teaching a baby to swim by throwing it into the deep end of the pool; sometimes it works, but sometimes the baby drowns. I'm a strong believer in taking things slow."

"So…I need to stop?" The thought did not make me happy at all, and I think it showed.

"No, you are happier now, and I have the feeling that you'd continue, no matter what I said. No, what we need to do is know that there are going to be issues, and be prepared for them. There'll be issues anyway, no matter what, but I wanted you to know my feelings on the matter."

We continue to talk for the rest of the hour, well I do most of the talking, and we devise a structure for how these meetings will take place: we'll start off with current issues I'm having, and then delve back to my past. It's a process that so far has not been pleasant, and Jackie says probably won’t get better any time soon. There's a lot that I need to come to terms with. Fan bloody tastic!.

*****************************************

"Aaw, sod it!"

"Tam is everything okay?" I call out from the living room. Tam and I stayed up in the apartment while the girls went down to the pool; me to get some work done and Tam said she needed to work on something as well.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Then she continues to talk to herself, arguing it sounds like.

Tam went into the bathroom as soon as the girls left, and has been in there for the past half an hour. Curious, I go over to the door, and listen before knocking. It sounds like he's cussing in German again, never a good sign. Knocking on the door I call out, "Tam?"

I hear something hit the sink then the door opens. "Oh dear."

"I don't know how women do it Mum. It's got to be in the DNA or something."

It's obvious what Tam is referring to. It seems that Tam has been experimenting with makeup, and not doing so well. "Well, it could be worse."

"Yeah right."

"No really. Your sisters had some frightful tries before they got the hang of it. Now let's get some drops into that eye, it'll make it feel better, and I'll help you. What's that from, the mascara?"

Tam's right eye is red and watery.

"No, I was trying to use the bloody eyeliner, and missed. Poked myself right in the sodding eye."

Smiling at Tam, while I get the drops out and put some in, I say, "You should have seen Melissa one time. She was trying to use the eyelash curler, and when she went to squeeze, she ended up pinching her eyelid. She did a good job of it too, it swelled up and it looked like someone hit her. Now let's wash all that off and I'll help."

After getting the drops in and both of us washing our faces, I start her lesson.

"Now then, first of all remember that less is more. You don't want to cake your makeup on; once you're done, it should be difficult for anyone to tell you have it on. The first thing you want to do is…."

I take Tam through the steps to get basic makeup on. We're both in the bathroom facing the mirror, first I go through the step on myself, then I have Tam do it.

"Okay, do it lightly, you're just doing some contouring, not painting the Sistine Chapel. You're trying to define your features, or enhance a specific feature like your jawbone or cheekbones. Regardless of the feature you choose to enhance, you need to keep it subtle."

"The videos I've been watching make it seem so easy."

"With a little bit of practice it is easy. Now we want to apply a bit of blush…"

Soon Tam is finishing up applying some lip gloss and we're done.

"See, you did it." Tam is smiling at me in the mirror. "The three things you need to remember are hydrate the skin, keep the makeup minimal, and always remove it before you go to bed. You do those three things and you'll look great, and your skin will thank you too."

Hugging me, Tam says, "Thanks Mum, it looks brilliant"

"You're welcome sweetheart. Now why don't you go down and keep your sisters company?"

Rolling her eyes, Tam replies, "They don't need me for that. I think every guy in this complex under fifty ends up down there when they go to the pool."

"Well then, why don’t you go down there and make sure things don't get too out of hand. I'll be down in a few myself, but I need to finish a couple of things up."

Sighing, Tam replies, "Okay, and Mum?"

"Yes Tam?"

"Thanks again." With that and a shy smile, Tam heads out the door.

I just stare at the door for a few seconds, so filled with emotion that I can't begin to describe it. Then with a sigh to myself, and wiping a tear that escaped my eye, I sit back down to finish up my work. There are a few things that I need to get taken care before I go back home, and I want to get them done as soon as I can, so I can spend as much time as possible with those kids.

Chapter 17

"So ladies," says Bill Preston our producer here at Warner, "This is the news you have all been waiting for, and why we've been working you so hard this past couple of months. In just three days, on Friday, your first single Summertime is going to be released."

We're all in a meeting at Warner, along with Mark our manager, and at hearing the news we all start cheering.

Bill holds up his hands, and once we settle down, continues, "That’s not all either. We plan for your first album to ship the following week. You can expect to see Seasons by the Restless Girls hit the stores soon."

This causes another round of cheering from everyone. And the news keeps coming. When we're again settled down, Bill adds, "To coincide with the release of Summertime, you'll be the featured music group on The Tonight Show. You won't be interviewed, at least this time around, but it’s going to be great exposure.

After that, we're going to book you on as many shows as possible. In three weeks we're taking you to New York for the East Coast shows, Letterman, Kimmel, and yes, we think we've got you set to be the featured music group for Saturday Night Live, we're waiting for final confirmation on that."

This last bit doesn't get a cheer as we are all just too stunned to respond. Everyone is staring at each other, not really believing our ears. Slowly everything begins to sink in, and our smiles grow and grow. Soon we can't contain ourselves and we're all jumping up and down and hugging each other.

The past couple of weeks have been hectic. We usually get to the studio between six and seven in the morning, and end up working through until nine or ten at night, and we've even put that time in over the weekends. Melissa and Joan did a great job on writing the new song for Spring, despite being separated by several states and a time zone.

Joan and Aubrey will be flying out here with Mum on Friday. Joan won temporary custody of Aubrey while their parents are getting their divorce. A final hearing will be held later in the summer, to determine if Aubrey will continue to stay with her sister, or go with one of her parents. This news, and how well our album does, will go a long way in helping Aubrey stay with Joan. If they hadn't had a meeting with their attorney, then they'd have been on the phone to hear this news, as it is, I can't wait to tell them.

We spend the next hour discussing the details, then we're told to take off and don't come back until after lunch tomorrow. Bill specifically tells us to not think about the album and to relax. Since we've been putting in such long hours, the studio made a van and a driver available to shuttle us to and from the apartment, so as soon as we're released, we go in search of our driver and head back.

Once home, we all sprawl out on the nearest available piece of furniture, and I ask, "Melissa, do you know when Joan's going to be done? This news is going to make her day."

"I just wish I could see her face," adds Jen.

Typing on her phone Melissa replies, "I'm sending her a text now, to have her call as soon as they're done. I'd love to see her face too."

"Hey, how about we…" starts Mesha but the sound of Melissa's phone ringing interrupts her and we all stare at Mellissa.

"Oh it's her," says Melissa.

"Put her on speaker," insists Kat.

"Hello, Joan?"

"Hey Melissa, I just got your text."

"You're on speaker and everyone's here. Is Aubrey with you?"

"Yes she is, we're still at the lawyer's office, and I was hoping you had good news. Is everything okay?"

"Well put us on speaker too, and yes, it's great news. Aubrey, are you there?"

"Yes I am," comes her muffled reply. "Hi everybody."

"Joan, Aubrey, we just got back from Warner and they told us that this Friday they're releasing Summertime."

We hear cheers coming from the phone, and when they settle back down Melissa fills them in on the rest. When they get off the phone, everyone's mood is even lighter, as their attorney said that this will really help Joan and Aubrey's case.

I'm kicked back on the couch with my feet up on the table. My eyes are closed, and I know I'm wearing a huge smile on my face. While sitting there I feel someone sit next to me, and hear them clear their throat. Opening my eyes, I see Melissa next to me, and Kat standing next to her.

"Ah, what's up?" I ask somewhat suspiciously. They both are wearing smiles that seem to say 'we have a secret'.

"We got you something." replies Melissa. It's then I notice she has a shirt box on her lap, and she hands it to me.

"What's this for?"

"Open it and see."

Breaking the tape on the box, I lift the lid and move the tissue paper aside. Well, its clothing, and when I look closer, I can tell it's a one piece swimsuit.

"Oh no. Thanks, but no thanks." and I hand the box back.

Melissa pushes it back at me and says, "Tam you never get into the pool, and we want you to join us."

"I can't swim." I push the box back at her.

She pushes it back at me and says, "That's not good enough, you don't have to swim, most of the pool isn't all that deep, and if you got in it, we'd help you learn to swim."

Pushing the box back I reply, "This is all very nice, but it wouldn't look right on me, I can't very well wear a bra with it, and besides, a swim suit is too thin, it'll be obvious that I have a bit extra down there, so again, thanks, but no thanks."

"So your objection is mainly on appearance?"

"Yup." I don't mention the potential for my heart giving out if I try; at least it's a one-piece and not a bikini.

Smiling, Melissa pushes the box back at me and says, "Take the suit out and see what's under it."

Giving her and Kat a suspicious look I then notice that Jen and Mesha have also joined us. Lifting up the suit, it's black and white and it has something lumpy inside it. Holding it up, the suit is a zip up and as the fabric unfolds, something drops into the box.

"What the…"

"Look," says Melissa, "boobies."

I just look at what looks like a couple of chicken breasts, with I'm sure a stunned expression on my face. The others giggle, and Kat adds, "They’re breast forms Tam. They'll give you a more natural look and they will also work in any bra, you don't need to get a padded one anymore."

Picking one up, it feels soft and what I guess a breast feels like, it even as a nipple. "Ahh…bu..but.." I'm very confused, and I think it shows.

Melissa adds, "They attach with some adhesive, so you don't have to worry about them falling out or anything, and with this type of suit, no one will be able to tell the difference."

I'm still so stunned that I can't argue about them. I just say, "Well what about, you know, my.."

"We thought of that too," says Kat, "Look under the other tissue paper."

I do, and when I move the paper, I see what looks like several pairs of knickers, all in different colors, including a pale nude that's very close to my own skin tone.

"They're called gaffs," adds Kat, "They're designed to keep the boy bits hidden, and the area smooth and flat."

"Tam, we all love you," says Mesha. Jen behind her nods her head and adds, "We know what you're going through is very hard for you. We figure that this might make it easier."

All four girls nod their heads and I feel my eyes start to water up. "Um, I don't know what to say, besides thank you."

"That's all that needs to be said," say Mesha and she gives me a big smile.

I can't help but smile in return and then say, "Um, there is one thing…"

"What?" asks Melissa.

"Um," and holding up the breast forms I add, "How do these work?"

Everyone starts to laugh, and that helps me relax a bit more. Melissa takes them from me and Kat grabs a bag I hadn't noticed and sets it on the table. "We'll show you." she says, "First, take off your shirt and bra."

Without waiting , Melissa and Mesha have lifted my tank top over my head, and then before it's even all the way off, I feel Mesha undo my bra.

"Hey!" I say. And they laugh in reply.

Reading from a paper Kat says, "They can fit in the pocket of a push-up bra, or in the bottom of a regular bra, or be attached with the adhesive. It says they're safe in hot tubs, and salt or fresh water. Okay, we've got two different types of adhesive, tape and something that’s painted on; both can be used for water, but the tape can be repositioned. Let's start with that then."

Mesha and Melissa each have a form. Mesha asks, "Is there a right and a left?"

"Hmm, yup, looks like there is. This is the right one, that’s the left," replies Melissa. "Hold them up to her chest. Tam sit up straight. Guys, what do you think?"

When they first press the forms to my chest I jump from the cold, but they soon warm up. Jen and Kat move to stand in front of me, and look from one to the other.

"Raise yours just a hair Mesha," asks Kat.

"Heh, heh, it looks like you two are fondling Tam. Damn but they look real." says Jen.

"They really do," says Kat. "Now hold them there. The instructions say it helps to mark the position, and they've included this water-based marker to do it."

Kat leans in and puts tiny reference marks on my chest where the forms go. "Okay," says Kat, "The tape goes on like this." and she holds up a picture.

Mesha and Melissa share the tape, and apply it to the forms, then they press the forms to my chest. When they're done, the four of them step back to look me over. I'm slightly embarrassed, but excited as well.

"Wow," says Melissa, "Those look great."

"They do," adds Jen.

"I bet if we glued down the edges and used some makeup, you'd never be able to tell the difference from real ones," says Kat.

"Unless you got real close, you're right Kat," says Mesha. "How do they feel?" she asks me.

"This is so weird," I say. "Once they warm up, all I feel is the weight, and that's not very much, but I don't think they're in danger of falling off anytime soon."

Looking down at my chest I can't help but say again, "This is just so weird."

The girls are all smiling at me and Kat says, "Okay, now put on the suit."

"Ah…" and I'm suddenly unsure again.

"Come on," urges Melissa.

Sighing, I grab the box with the suit and the underwear, and start to stand.

"Where are you going?" asks Melissa.

"To change."

"Change here, it's just us girls," says Melissa.

I look at her, then the others and then down at my chest and I can't help it; I begin to softly laugh. Shaking my head, I take the box and go into the other room. As I close the door, I hear Melissa ask, "What did I say?" The door closes before I hear any reply.

Placing the box on the bed, I take out the suit and set it aside. Then I take off my jeans and knickers. "Damn I'm soaked," I say to myself, noticing that my knickers are more than a tad wet. I may not get an erection very often, but that doesn't mean that the nerves don't work, and I don't get excited. The truth of the matter is, I find that suddenly looking down and seeing breasts on my chest is very erotic.

Wiping myself with my knickers, I grab the nude colored gaff that the girls got me. Oh great, I hadn't noticed before, but these are thongs, or at least look like them. The front panel is a bit heavier than normal, but otherwise they seem the same.

Taking a deep breath, and letting it out, I slip on the gaff. Oh God, this is just so strange, as I pull the gaff up, feeling the strip of cloth in back slide between my cheeks. Pulling out the front, I reach in and begin to adjust things; pressing my testicles back up inside, then tucking my penis back. As I make the adjustments, the sensations nearly buckle my knees. I hurry before I get too carried away. I make sure everything is smooth, then look up into the mirror.

Holy mackerel, I look like a girl!

A born as a girl, girl!

I just stand there looking at myself, turning one way, then the other. Seeing myself this way really makes me happy, it's kind of freaking me out too, but in a happy kind of way if that makes sense.

Taking up the swimsuit I pull it on, and the look is complete. Seeing myself in the mirror, I know that there's no way anyone can tell I'm not a real girl, heck I can't tell and I know better. Smiling, I go back into the other room.

Chapter 18

Feeling eyes upon me, I look up from the sheet music I'm working on to see Aubrey watching me; specifically it looks like she's staring at my crotch. I'm currently sprawled out on the couch with my leg propped up on the back; she's in the chair opposite me.

Things have been…off a bit between us, ever since she and her sister rejoined us two weeks ago. I can't seem to quite figure it out, but I'm pretty sure it has to do to how things were going when I was dressing with her that first time. It isn't that she's acting any less friendly or anything, it's almost like it didn't happen. Yet I keep finding her staring at me, or my crotch, or my chest, and it looks like she's thinking really hard about something.

Whenever I try to ask her if anything is wrong, she just says 'no'.

We're all hanging out at the apartment, the atmosphere is tense with nervous energy; waiting for the Billboard top ten to announce. Summertime opened at number eight two weeks ago. Last week it had moved up to number five. We know it's doing well because it's getting a bunch of air time on all the pop stations, and a good deal of the light rock ones as well. What's stunned us even more, is our cover of Forever Autumn opened last week at number ten.

Everyone has been on pins and needles all day, which is why we didn't have anything scheduled for today. This is the first day we've had off since we debuted on The Tonight Show. It's been one show after another, and one interview after another.

If we haven't been doing shows or appearances, we've been recording a video for Summertime; for Forever Autumn all they did was shoot us in the recording studio. We've all had a blast, but we need a day to re-charge. Next week we fly to New York, and do it all over again. Once the announcement is made, the girls are heading out to an under twenty-one bar, and Aubrey and I are staying here, neither one of us really wanting to go out even if we could get into the club.

Looking with disgust at the obvious mistakes I've made on the music, I toss the sheets onto the table. Who am I fooling? I'm as nervous as everyone else.

"Has it started yet?" asks Joan coming in from the other room.

"Not yet," three of us call out in unison. This gets us all laughing a bit.

"How do I look?" asks Joan.

"Very nice," replies Kat.

"Yeah," I add, "It must really be a relief to be in the half-cast now; not having it go all the way to your shoulder."

"Don't mention relief! I swear I have ants in this one; it itches like crazy." To emphasize that, she takes a nail file, and starts poking it in her cast to scratch.

"You better be careful sis, or you're going to cut yourself," says Aubrey.

"Shush everyone," says Mesha, " It's about to start." Mesha turns up the volume, and we all quieted, nervously waiting for the commercial to end.

Once the commercial ends, we have to sit through the usual jibber jabber, why can't they just get to the list? I feel a sudden pain in my leg; Melissa's sitting next to me with a death grip on it. I'm afraid to look at the television, but can't look away. The others aren't any better.

Finally they start, and for the second week in a row, Forever Autumn is at number ten. The tension temporarily drops. Although we're all a bit disappointed that it didn't move up, still being in the top ten is great, and at least it didn't drop.

Now we have to wait to see how Summertime faired.

We're collectively holding our breaths as each song is announced. The tension building, once again

When five is announced and it isn't Summertime, we all look to each other. Did it drop off completely, or did it move up?

When the number two song is announced, and it isn't ours, I'm feeling physically ill, I can see the others are feeling likewise. It's even more nerve wracking as they break for a commercial before the final announcement.

"Bastards!" I hiss. "They do this on purpose you know."

The commercials finally end, and they announce the number one song for the week: Summertime.

It takes a few moments for it to register, and when it finally does, we're all jumping, hollering, and hugging each other. There's not a dry eye to be seen.

"We did it guys!" Melissa cries. "We really did it. We're number one!"

This starts another round of hugs and cheers.

After everyone settles down and has a chance to fix their makeup, Melissa asks Aubrey and I, "Are you guys sure that you don't want to go out? We don't have to go to this club; we can find something else to do. You two should have a chance to celebrate too."

"I'll be fine," replies Aubrey. "I think I'll just put a movie on and relax."

"How about you Tam?" asks Melissa.

"I plan on taking these boobs off, and getting into a long hot bath. A movie sounds good too. You lot go out and have fun.

After making sure Aubrey and I really did want to stay in, the others finish getting ready, and go out to the car. They had arranged to have the driver that we use to get us to and from the studio to take them to the club.

For the past week I've been using the glue, and not the tape, to attach the breast forms to my chest. Kat was right, if the edges are glued down right, and I apply a bit of makeup, it's really hard to tell that they're fake. I'm still not used to seeing myself like this. Whenever I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, my first reaction is 'who's the girl?'

That's different from the physical reaction whenever I take them off; it feels wrong as I'm now used to having the weight there. The downside is they tend to itch after a bit, and then I need to take them off and get clean.

With the girls finally gone, I turn to Aubrey and say, "I'm going to take these things off. Why don't you figure out what movie you want to watch?"

As I start to walk into the bedroom, Aubrey calls out to me, "Tam, wait."

"What's up?"

Coming over to me, Aubrey stammers a reply, "Um, well…"

"What's the matter?"

"Tam…don't, not yet. Um, could I…would you show me?"

"You, you want to watch me?"

At her nod I say, "Sure, I guess so. Come on."

I continue into the bedroom and start to undress. I pull my shirt over my head and as I start to take off the bra, Aubrey says "Stop."

Looking at her I lower my hands. I don't know what to say, Aubrey's eyes are open wide, and she's staring at my chest.

"Wow, they look so real."

Almost like she's not aware of me, Aubrey reaches out and runs a finger along the side of the bra, following the curve of my breast.

"Take it off."

Still not saying anything, and not really knowing what to say, I reach behind me and unhook my bra. Lowering my arms and shrugging my shoulders, I let the bra fall from me. When it does, Aubrey gives a sharp intake of breath, and moves closer.

There's a surreal feel to the moment. My mind seems completely in the moment. Every action is hyper clear; the smell of Aubrey's shampoo as she steps closer, the crisp sound of clothing moving, and our breathing, everything is just so… heightened. I'm slightly light headed, as Aubrey reaches up and runs her fingers across my left form.

Softly, so I can barely hear her, she whispers, "I'm not a lezzy, I like boys." Then looking up to my eyes she says "You're a boy Tam. Do you feel this?"

Looking down she's fully holding onto the left breast, massaging it.

Clearing my throat I reply, "I…I can tell you're touching me, but that…that's all. I don't feel what you're doing."

"Oh…well, do you feel this then?" At that she starts lightly running her fingers from both hands up my chest and down my arms, bringing them to my sides, then running them along my stomach and back up again, only to start over. The lightness of her touch is sending chills along my spine, and making my breath catch.

"Y-yes, I can f-feel that."

Moving closer, and pressing into me, so I have to take a step back, Aubrey says "Good." She's looking intently into my eyes as she continues to caress me. "I don't like girls that way Tam. You're a boy."

When she say's 'boy', her right hand moves to my groin and rubs up and down. Her brow immediately furrows, and she asks, "Tam, did you…? You are a boy….."

Barely able to speak from the intensity of the moment, I manage to reply, "Yes, I'm still like a boy."

Smiling, Aubrey says, "Show me Tam, I need to see."

I stammer, and not waiting for me to do anything, or reply, Aubrey starts to fumble at the snaps on my jeans. Opening them, she quickly pulls down my zipper.

"A-Aubrey…"

Pushing me back so I fall onto the bed, Aubrey starts pulling my pants off, saying "I have to see Tam, I have to see."

Indecision freezes any action on my part, and before I know it Aubrey has my jeans off and is on her knees in front of me, her hand feeling the front of the gaff I'm wearing. In an almost panic, while still rubbing me, she looks into my eyes and says, "Tam? W-where…?"

"Oh God, Aubrey…I-I, I'm….They're there, j-just tucked away." The continued rubbing is almost too much, and I fall back fully onto the bed with my eyes closed. The rubbing stops. Then I feel the last bit of my clothing being pulled down and off of me.

Knowing how small and under-developed I am, I feel nothing but shame, and can't bring myself to open my eyes. For several moments I wonder if Aubrey has left the room, then I feel her weight on the bed, and she's kissing me.

I've never really kissed a girl before, and her intensity is a bit frightening. Between kisses, she says, "I knew you were a boy, you just had to be, you couldn't have changed." The she's kissing me again, her tongue battling mine. Then I feel her hand on me, caressing and rubbing.

Suddenly she pulls away, I open my eyes. She's sitting up and pulling her shirt off.

"Get all the way on the bed Tam."

I do as I'm told, and soon she is also naked.

"Oh God Aubrey, you're so beautiful."

She's wearing an almost wicked smile as she lays down next to me. We start to kiss again. The feel of her warm body next to mine is heavenly, and I can't stop caressing it. Pausing in our kissing, Aubrey caresses me in return, watching where her hand touches me.

"God Tam, your body is so soft and smooth, I love touching it."

"Aubrey, I…"

"Shhh, love me Tam." and leaning over me, she guides me to her breast.

Chapter 19

"So, did you like that?" asks Aubrey as she shifts her position on top of me, so she's looking into my eyes.

"Very much, did I do it right, you enjoyed it?" Almost blushing I continue, "well I've never, you know, you're my first, and I thought I was doing okay, but I wasn't sure."

"More than okay, that was fantastic." Aubrey leans down and kisses me. "Wanna know a secret?"

At my nod she continues, "No guy has ever done that to me before. Oh I've done them, and I've had sex before, but they've never done me like that. So you see you're my first too."

"I-I'm sorry I couldn't, you know, stay hard. I was surprised that I got an erection at all. Usually no matter how excited I get, I stay soft and just get really wet."

"Don't worry about it, I really enjoyed it this way. You're not like other guys, you're sweet."

Noticing the clock I say, "I can't believe it's been almost two hours. I-I guess we better get up. If the others come back…"

"Yeah, I suppose."

"Besides, I still need to get these puppies off and get clean. Now more than ever; I feel like I've run a marathon."

Rubbing my chest Aubrey replies, "It's a shame, I kinda like them."

"Yours are nicer," giving one nipple a slight pinch so she jumps, "and more responsive. Besides, I think I know how your sister feels with her cast. After a while these really start to itch."

"Oh okay then. In that case I'll jump into the shower while you take them off, then you can have it."

As I watch Aubrey get up and walk out of the room naked, I still can't believe what just happened between us.

The next couple of weeks are frustrating between Aubrey and me. We don't get another chance to have much time alone together. Just enough to kiss, and maybe give each other a pinch or a squeeze. For some reason she really seems to like playing with my chest; I can't blame her, I love playing with hers.

New York is a huge hit with us making it onto all the major late night shows, including being the musical guest for Saturday Night Live. That experience is my all-time favorite to date. We even make it on a couple of morning shows, and do some radio call in interviews.

Now we're flying back to California with a stop in Colorado for a couple of days, and to drop off Joan and Aubrey. Joan needs to check in with the doctor, to hopefully get her cast off, and there's more custody work regarding Aubrey. The rest of us need to catch up with family. I've really missed Mum being with us, and I know the others have missed their families. It's terrible that Joan and Aubrey can't have that same kind of support.

What a difference a couple of months make. The last time I flew from New York to Denver, I was in the back of the plane feeling terribly alone; wondering what was going to happen to me. Now I might still not know what's going to happen, but at least I know I have a supportive family to be with, and flying first class is definitely an improvement as well.

Once we pull up to the gate and are told we can get up, everyone scurries to get their bags. Aubrey and I shared a row, and I was by the window. She gets up to get the bags from overhead, and passes me my backpack. I reach under the seat in front of me and pull out, God help me, my new purse.

Everyone got tired of me using a plastic bag, and I have to admit it works better. I wish I didn't need one, but one of the downsides of being a girl, is all the crap you have to carry around without having decent pockets to put it in. It's funny, I'm now used to walking around as a girl, clothing, breast forms and all, yet carrying a purse still embarrasses me.

We give Mum a call to let her know we've landed, and that she can meet us soon at baggage claim. When we actually get to baggage claim, there's a guy there with a sign that has the band's name on it. Mum got us a driver, how cool.

Mum's waiting for us at the car, and it's a limo large enough for all of us. Melissa and Kat run to her and they're all hugging. I would have run too but I'm loaded down with my backpack, purse, and guitar.

I'm bringing up the rear, and when everyone has given Mum a hug and started getting into the limo, she turns to me and the next thing I know I'm wrapped in her arms.

"Oh Tam honey, I've missed you."

I can't even reply right away because I realize I've really missed her too. I feel someone taking my backpack and guitar from me, and I can now hug her in return.

"I've missed you too Mum, a lot."

We follow the others into the limo, and Mum pulls me down to sit next to her. Meanwhile, the others all start chattering away. There are several voices at once, all trying to bring her up to date on everything that happened to us in New York.

When they run out of steam, Mum turns to me and asks, "So, did you have a good flight?"

This starts the others giggling, and Melissa pipes in, "Tam almost didn't make it Mom."

"Why ever not?"

"She almost decked a TSA agent."

"Sodding tosspot." I spit.

"Tam, you didn't. What happened?"

The memory gets me all riled up again, and Melissa continues, "It happened going through security. We went through that one you have to raise your arms, and it can look through clothes and such."

Mum nods her head.

"Well, apparently there's a button the agents at the gate push, for whether you're a male or a female, they pushed female for Tam, and that's what started it all."

"Poor Tam was mortified," adds Kat. "We tried to explain but it took going through again and a trip to a private screening room to get it all cleared up."

"What?!" Mum looks like she wants to tear someone’s head off. "Tam, did they touch you?"

"No Mum."

"I stayed with her the entire time Mom." says Melissa. "We went to a private screening room and talked with a supervisor, explaining everything, even showing him the letter from Tam's doctor. Once we did that, they let us go through. We were all pissed at the time, but it's kind of funny now."

"Not so funny, it wasn't happening to you." I say, but I can't help but give a small smile myself.

"Well I'm glad you had that letter, and I'm glad she suggested it. I hadn't even thought of that causing problems."

We drop Jen and Mesha off at their homes first, before going home ourselves. Tonight, Joan and Aubrey are having dinner with their Mum to discuss the divorce. It kind of sounds like their Mum is figuring out just how bad she and their Dad have been, and wants to fix things. I hope so at least.

*****************************************

The change in all the girls over the past few weeks is amazing, but not nearly as amazing as the change in Tam. I continue to worry that this is the right thing for Tam, and it's only the constant assurances of both Tam and her doctors, that keeps me from flying completely apart.

Her doctors are rightly very circumspect in what they tell me without Tam's prior approval. But they do tell me that she is dealing quite well, better than me it seems.

When I finally get to hug Tam, I don't want to let her go. I've fallen so very much in love with this child, that it's with reluctance I let go of her, and again curse all the missed years between us.

When they tell me about the problems Tam had at the airport, I get so angry. It's a good thing we're already moving, or I would have stormed in there to give them a good piece of my mind, but once I calm down, I realize that wouldn't have done any good. Instead, I plan on writing some very strong letters to whomever I can think of that can help effect some changes. Boy buttons, and girl buttons indeed. There has to be a better way to handle that.

Soon we're dropping off Jen and Mesha at their houses, with reminders of the dinner we're having the day after tomorrow. Then we're off to our home so Joan can pick up her car.

After we get home, and before Joan and Aubrey head out, I tell them, "Girls, I've talked with your Mom, and she seems like she truly is sorry for the way she's acted, so I hope everything works out. Remember though, that if it doesn't, you come right back here, okay?"

"Okay, Mrs. C," replies Joan, "We'll send you a text to let you know if we'll be back tonight or not."

We say our goodbyes, and I follow the girls into the kitchen. "So ladies, what would you like to do today?"

"Well," replies Melissa, "Kat and I were wondering if you'd be mad if we went out with some of our friends."

"Good heavens no, I'm sure you and your friends have a lot to catch up about."

"Aaw bollocks!" exclaims Tam.

Turning we see that the soda she was opening sprayed all over her front.

"It's a shame one so young has a drinking problem," jokes Kat.

Melissa adds laughingly, "Tam, if you're going to do a wet tee shirt contest, then you need to take the bra off first."

"Oh bugger off you two, and hand me a towel." Tam then proceeds to swear softly in German. At least I assume it's swearing.

I toss her a towel, and go get the paper towels. Kat helps me clean up the spill, while Melissa helps Tam get dried off.

"You're going to need to get that soaking," Melissa tells Tam, "If you don't want it to stain. Give them to me, and I'll toss them in the sink downstairs while you go get cleaned up."

"Thanks Melissa," says Tam as she pulls off her shirt, and quickly removes her bra.

This gives me my first look at the forms on Tam's chest.

Holy Cow do they look real! I can't help but stare a bit.

I knew about them of course. It was the girls' idea, but I agreed and was the one to order everything. I just didn't realize how real they would look.

Melissa takes the shirt and bra, and heads downstairs to the laundry room, while Tam goes up to her room. I just stare after her, until I hear Kat chuckling.

"Pretty impressive, aren't they?"

"I had no idea they'd look so real."

"They feel real too. She's getting really good at putting them on without having a wrinkled seam, and then using makeup to blend them in. In fact, her skills with makeup are getting really good in general. She does it all on her own now, and she's got a good eye for style as well. Still won't get into a skirt or a dress though."

"It's amazing, seeing the change in her in such a short time."

"It really is, isn't it? I don't know, maybe she really is a girl, she sure seems more comfortable that way."

"Okay Mom," says Melissa coming back into the room, "I got her stuff soaking. I don't think they'll stain. Kat you ready?"

"Yup, anytime you are."

"Well Mom, we'll be back later but don't wait up for us."

"Okay you two, have fun."

The girls leave, and I go upstairs to see what plans Tam may have. Arriving at her door, she's at her dresser mirror touching up her makeup, and I'm again struck at how very feminine she is. As she looks over at me and smiles, I can't help but think that Kat was right, she does seem happier this way. She's changed into a snug tank top that really shows off that she has a pretty nice figure too.

"What's that say?" I ask pointing to the lettering on the shirt.

Looking down and smiling, she replies, "Oh, 'I play guitar like a girl'. Joan got this for me."

"It's cute, but you should wear a bra under it. It's a bit revealing."

"Yeah but I only have two, and they're both dirty right now."

"What are your plans for the rest of the day?"

"Just hanging with you Mum."

"Well since your sisters have abandoned us, why don't we run to the mall, we can get you a few more pieces of clothing, including some more bras, and we can have dinner at the Mexican restaurant you like so much. Sound like a deal?"

"Sounds great."

Chapter 20

I'm not at all reluctant to go to the mall this time. It isn't that I've learned to enjoy shopping, I really haven't, no it's really twofold. The first is the Mexican restaurant is really good, and the second is, I really need to get into a bra.

Mum was right, without a bra it's easy to tell I'm not wearing one. These forms make me look like I'm in a perpetual state of excitement. While that really doesn't bother me when I'm just hanging around the house, they are noticeable, and a bit embarrassing while out in the public. Okay, more than a bit, but I’m really trying to be less self-conscious about how I look.

When we get to the mall, we enter through the department store and head straight to the girls department. It still feels a bit weird doing my shopping there, but not nearly as much as it used to.

The first place we hit is to get me some more underwear and bras. Mum says, "Why don't you pick out what you want, I want to look at some things over here. Make sure you pick at least a couple more bras."

"Okay Mum."

Mum goes and starts looking through some of the racks of clothes, and I turn back to try and decide on what style to get. I first check out the knickers. Although the gaffs do a perfect job of hiding things, I've found that given how small I am, and that I can push things back up inside, I really don’t need the gaffs for anything, except the more revealing outfits like my swimsuit. For wearing jeans I can get by with regular underwear.

I do like having a bit of variety as a girl, in not only styles, but colors, and end up getting a mix of bright solid colored knickers, then turn to the bras. Here the choices seem even greater. I don’t really need something padded; as the forms, whether attached or not handle that. I end up settling for a couple of the more athletic style, not because I have any desire to be athletic, but more because the colors match the knickers I just got. I also decide on a couple of front closure bras in pale pastel colors, and one in white.

With that done I go over to Mum. Showing her the basket, I ask, " Is this okay?"

"Perfect honey. Here let me take this," and she removes the white bra from the basket, "and get the security tag off of it so you can change into it right away. Why don't you take these, and go try them on?" And Mum passes me a stack of clothes she's picked out.

Before I can even protest, Mum's turned and headed over to the checkout counter. Sighing in resignation, I take the clothes over to the changing rooms. Mum seems to be really enjoying this shopping trip, so I figure I can go along with it for a little bit. Once there, I set the pile of clothes down and look at what's there.

Some of it isn't so bad, but some won't work at all. I really don't want to wear a dress or skirt. Moving those to one side, then placing some of the frillier tops with them, I grab a pair of jeggings, and one of the pullover tops, then go into one of the dressing rooms.

Stripped down to my undies, I take a second to look at myself in the mirror, and I'm still confused by what I see. I don't know who or what I am, or who or what I want to be. I kind of do, but it's all so scary and confusing. Holding up my hand to the mirror so I can't see my head, I take a critical look at my body.

If I'm going to be honest with anyone, it needs to be me. First of all, I'm short, but my body really isn't all that bad. My arse and figure are nice, and my breasts look smashing too. If I saw a girl with this figure, I reckon I could fancy her. Dropping my hand and rubbing the front of my knickers, I think, here's the problem though, I'm not a girl, how can I be with these?

Suddenly I feel on the verge of tears. The sound of Mum calling out to me helps me get back under control.

"In here, Mum. I'll be right out."

"Okay, here you can put this on too." Suddenly her hand appears over the top of the door waving the bra.

"Thanks."

I quickly start to dress. The jeggings are a bright red, and made out of a stretchy material that hugs me like a pair of tights. The top is a pullover graphic tee, that's extra-long on me. It's not a bad look really.

I step out, and seeing me, Mum nods her head. "That looks good on you; let's see some of the others."

So I go back and change, Mum handing me things to try on, and really seeming to enjoy all of this. Me, it was more like torture, not really bad torture, more like the good kind if that makes any sense.

Handing me another outfit, I give it right back. "Nope, sorry Mum, no dresses."

"That's fine honey but that's not a dress. It's like some of the really long tee's you've been trying on, it's called a tunic top. Wear these leggings with them."

Giving her a skeptical look, I ask, "Really?"

"Sure, and you really shouldn't discount dresses and skirts so fast. They're comfortable, come in a lot of styles and would look quite nice on you."

Going back into the dressing room to change I reply, "Yeah but I just can't do it. I don't know why, they're just not me."

"That's fine, just saying."

We finish up, and Mum ends up getting me most of what I tried on. We run the bags out to the car, then go back in to wander the Mall as we head over to the restaurant.

As we're walking side by side, I'm again put out by how short I am. "Mum, how tall are you?"

"Oh, about five-eight or five-nine. Why?"

"Because I'm really short and I hate it. There's not much I can do about it though."

I can see the wheels turning in Mum's head, and before she can reply I add, "I'm not going to wear heels. The last time I did, I damn near killed myself."

"You're not that short, and as for heels, all you need to do is practice with them, but even so, there are other options."

She then steers me into the next shoe store, where we end up getting me a nice pair of boots with a tall heel. It's not like wearing high heels, but it gives me almost another two inches, and I'll take it. My head now is above her shoulder. They do take getting used to though, and to make sure I don't fall, I link my arm with Mum's.

As we're walking along, Mum suddenly stops. "Mum, what's up?"

Mum doesn't reply, she just stands there smiling at something. Turning to see what she's looking at, I see it too.

"Oh…my...God!" There in the window of the music store is a poster of Reckless Girls. We had taken a ton of promotional pictures, but I hadn't realized that they had made posters out of them. The poster shows all of us with our instruments, Melissa centered and to the front and there's me to the far right with my guitar, a scorching hot rocker girl. Across the top was Reckless Girls, and across the bottom, our album name, Seasons.

This was awesome!.

I get closer, and really look at my picture. "I look pretty smashing don't I?" I ask in awe.

"You do, you look even better in person."

I look at Mum, she smiles and nods her head. Smiling in return I say, "Oh Mum, we have to get one, no, one for everyone."

Excited, I grab Mum's hand, and drag her towards the back of the store where the posters are. Once there, I'm flipping through the posters, but can't find any. As I do this, someone who works there comes over and asks if we need any help.

I point to the display poster and ask, "'Ave you got any more of these?"

"What?"

Exasperated, I take a breath to repeat my question, but Mum pats my arm, steps forward, and asks, "We want to know if you have any more of these posters please."

"Oh sure, sorry I didn't understand what you said. These are our best sellers at the moment, that and their CD. Say, are you from Australia, or somewhere?"

Before I can reply he says, "Hold on, I'll bring out some more." Then he turns away and goes into the back.

" Aussie indeed, this plonker thinks I sound Aussie? He must be completely barking."

Mum laughs and says, "Well honey, when you get excited your accent does tend to get a bit hard to understand."

Blushing a bit I reply, "Oh um, sorry about that Mum."

Pulling me into a hug she laughs, and says, "No need to apologize honey, I think it's cute."

"Even so, I'm trying to tone it down. I forget sometimes."

Just then the guy returns with a tall box filled with posters. "Here we go."

"Is that all of this poster?" I ask.

"Sure is." He replies.

"Great, we'll take them all."

Stunned he says, "Uh, well sure. Here let me carry them up front for you."

He carries them up front and rings them up. As he's running Mums credit card, he looks at me curiously, and asks, "Say, you're one of them aren't you?" Pointing to another of the posters that are hanging nearby, he says, "That's you!"

As Mum signs the receipt, I reply, "Not me, that totty's a yank ain't she?"

This seems to throw him a bit, and saying goodbye, I take the box as Mum and I leave the store. When we get out of the store I can't help but start laughing.

Mum gives me a look that is supposed to be stern, but quickly changes to laughter and says, "Tam, you're a bad girl. Now let's go get some dinner before you get into trouble."

*****************************************

This morning I had doubts about Tam; were we doing the right thing? After seeing how relaxed she is now, and how much happier, not to mention the new level of confidence I see in her, well my doubts are quickly vanishing. Everything about her seems to scream sixteen year old girl, from the way she moves to even how she checks her appearance in the mirror. I don't even think she's aware of most of what she does.

We're still giggling about the incident at the music store when we enter the restaurant. After being shown our booth and ordering, I ask Tam, "How are you holding up honey?"

"I'm fine, oh you mean with being a girl and all?"

At my nod she continues, "Doing okay, I'm able to put makeup on without looking like a clown afterwards, and I can now shave my legs without looking like I've been in a cat fight. I'm still fighting Melissa and Kat on getting waxed. I'm sorry that just looks too painful to me."

Smiling I say, "You certainly have adjusted well, but I guess what I'm asking is, if this is what you want. I don't mean dressing like this to help the band, what I mean is…"

"Am I a girl?"

"Well yes, I guess it boils down to that."

Sighing and taking a sip of her drink Tam replies, "I don't know Mum. I just don't know. There are times I think I am, but then I've got this willie; that says something different. Maybe I really am gender buggered . I wouldn't wish this on anyone because you can't know can you?"

"What do you mean Tam?"

"Mum, tell me, how a girl is supposed to feel, how do you as a female feel? What is different between what a girl feels, and what a boy feels?"

I admit, I'm a bit stumped by this. Seeing me hesitate, Tam continues, "See what I mean? The doctors are the same way. There isn't anything you can point to and say if you feel this, this, and this, then you're a girl, and it's driving me crazy."

We pause in our discussion as our food arrives. Looking at the huge plate placed before Tam I exclaim, "Good Lord, Tam, you can't seriously eat all of that."

"Mmm, tamales."

Shaking my head and smiling, I continue with our discussion, "Well do you feel better one way or the other?"

"That's the big question I guess. Did you know that even among the gender dysphoric, they can't seem to agree on what means what? Not too long ago being a boy, and thinking you were a girl was a mental problem, and diagnosed as such. Now, there seems to be actual physical differences in the brain that they can point to, and measure, yet some of the medical community still haven't been converted to thinking it isn't a mental problem. Then you try talking to trans people, and look out, no two seem to agree on any definition, so there's no luck there."

"Then forget the labels honey. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what makes you feel better, the way you look now or the way you used to look? How would you feel, if right now all of this went back to the way it was?"

"That's just it, I'm not sure. When I look in the mirror, and when I can pretend I'm not seeing me, then I can admit that I like what I see, but it's all fake. The clothes, the makeup, tits, it's all fake. If you take all of that away, then you'd see an underdeveloped, slightly androgynous boy."

Tam looks sad as she looks down at her plate, and takes a bite. "Honey, that's not what I'm asking. You know that will all change when you start hormone therapy; you'll either look more and more masculine or feminine depending the route you choose. What I'm asking is, all things being equal, if you could wave a magic wand, what would you choose? Forget what anyone else says, or what they'd see, this is all about you, and what you want. I can't think of a more personal decision than this. You need to decide what is right for Tam. Can you do that?"

I see that Tam is thinking everything over, so I let her be as we eat. I'm finishing up my salad when Tam softly says, "I wish it wasn't fake."

Caught a bit off guard I reply "What Tam, what do you want?"

Instead of answering me directly Tam says, "I've been so much happier lately. A good part of that is you and the girls. I've got a full family now, and it's great. I still wish Dad… I miss him so much. I somehow think he'd approve of what I'm doing, and I like how I look. Oh the hair is a bit much, but I'm used to it by now, no I like this. I don't want to go back, I…I like this, how I look, how it makes me feel, but I don't want to have surgery either, so where does that leave me?"

"I think your father would approve. I think all he ever wanted was for you to be happy. Nothing says that if you believe that the true you is a girl, then you have to have the surgery. Your gender isn't what is, or isn't in your pants, it's what's in here," I say tapping my head, "And here," tapping my chest where my heart is. "Even if you wanted the surgeries, I think you'd have to wait until you're eighteen, so don't worry about that. What I think you need to do is have this conversation with Doctor Hargrove."

"Do you think she'd start me on hormones?"

"Not unless she was sure, she already told us that. This summer is supposed to allow you to see a bit of what it would be like. She might start you right away, but I think it more likely that she'll hold to the original plan and wait."

Sighing, Tam says, "I suppose. I guess there still is a lot I need to discuss, and get straight in my head. It's going to be hard waiting though."

"Time will fly by, you'll see and speaking of seeing, I can't believe I just saw you eat that entire platter. Where do you put it?"

Tam just laughs, and paying the bill we leave for home.

Chapter 21

"Tam, are you out here?"

Looking up from the music sheet I'm working on, I see Kat coming out onto the patio.

"Here you are. Aren't you going to get ready for the party?"

"Hey Kat, there's still plenty of time, all I have to do is change and touch up my makeup a bit. That's why I started early, so I wouldn't be rushed. You look nice."

I'm sitting out on the back patio of our California home. Our music really took off over the summer with Summertime staying at number one for over eight weeks, and even now, is still in the top ten, although we all expect it to drop out this week. Even Forever Autumn got as high as number six before it finally dropped out. Having the success we did, allowed us to get us a decent place out here, and still keep the house in Colorado. This is really Kat and Melissa's place as they paid for it, but we all live here.

"Thanks Tam. Are you sure you won't go on tour with us? It's only ten shows, so it's not like it'll be a full season, then we'll be back in the studio cutting the new album."

"I've got to finish up school, you know that. Besides, Joan is fully back to form, and we knew it was temporary anyway."

"I know, but it's not like we can only use one lead guitar, you and Joan make an awesome team. Aubrey will be finishing up her school remotely, why can't you?"

Kat's looking rather sad, and we've discussed this before. We've really gotten close, her and Mellissa and me. I love having them as sisters.

"Kat, all my life I've for the most part been on the road. Dad and I travelling from one gig to another, and it was fun. I've grown to love you and Melissa so much, and this isn't easy for me, but I don't want to live out of a suitcase anymore. I love Mum too, and I'd really like to get to know her better. Besides, now that I'm on HRT I need to go in and get checkups a bunch more, and it’ll be easier to do that if I'm not going from city to city. I'll still do studio work with you guys, and Warner has really been pressuring me to do some things, so it's not like we'll never see each other again."

"I know, I'm going to miss you, but I guess I understand."

We sit and talk a bit more, until I figure I really had better get in and finish dressing, or I will be late for the party.

I'm in my room having just finished touching up my makeup, when there's a knock on the door.

"Tam, it's Aubrey, may I come in?"

"Sure, it's open." I reply.

Aubrey walks in, and seeing that I'm only wearing panties, quickly turns and says, "I can come back, if you want?"

Things between us are strange, and I'm not sure why. We had a few more opportunities to get together, and I thought we enjoyed each other, but she suddenly cut things off and wouldn't give me an explanation. I was really hurt for a while, and after a bit realized she was hurting too.

"Aubrey, stay, it isn't like you haven't seen me naked before."

"Thanks. You're not wearing the forms."

Picking them up from my dresser, I slide them into their pockets in my bra then put the bra on.

"Well it seems that hormones make my breasts really sensitive, and it's almost painful to have them attached anymore."

"Oh. You do seem a tad bigger."

Looking down at myself I ask, "You really think so? I thought I was getting bigger, but I really couldn't tell, and thought it might just be wishful thinking."

"No, I think you really are bigger. Um…so you're going to go back to Colorado with your Mom tomorrow?"

"That's the plan anyway."

"Oh," fidgeting Aubrey continues, "Tam I'm sorry about us…about hurting you."

"It's okay. I know you didn't want to. I could tell you were hurting too. What I don't understand is, why?"

Softly, and not looking at me Aubrey replies, "I-I don't know why. I-I…"

"It's okay Aubrey; you don't need to say anything." Pulling the dress over my head and adjusting it, I turn my back to her and ask, "Zip me up?"

"Sure, I still can't believe your Mom got you to wear dresses."

"Thanks," sitting down to put on my boots I continue, "She’s a sneak that's how she did it. I won't admit it to her, but she was right, dresses are quite comfortable, but I'm still more comfortable in a pair of jeans."

"Tam, we can still be friends, right?"

"Absolutely, it would get pretty weird if we couldn't, what with our sister's all being in the same band."

"Thank you Tam. I'll see you at the party." With that Aubrey leans over, and kisses me on the cheek, then turns and leaves, closing the door softly behind her.

Looking back into the mirror I see that I'm dangerously close to ruining my makeup and grab a tissue to dab my eyes.

Before joining the party, I take the last cigarette from my purse, and go out onto the balcony and light it up. Mum won the bet, I'm not in jail or an insane asylum, so I'm going to try to quit. Leaning on the rail I listen to the music coming from the other side of the house. I already feel like I'm gone from here, but it's the right choice. I need 'me' time, and the best way I can get that is by trying to normalize my life.

"Oh Dad," I say to the evening air, "what would you think if you saw your little lad now? I'm not a boy Dad, I'm a lass, but somehow I think you knew that. Help me Dad, I'm going to need all I can get these next few years. You never judged me, you always helped and supported me. Thank you Dad."

Snubbing out my cigarette, I go back in to join the party.

*****************************************

"Are you ready for this?" I ask Tam.

"No Mum, I'm not. I'd originally thought that this year I'd be studying for my A-levels, and I think I would ‘ave had a blinding chance with four, although my French isn't that great. I was going to do music, music technology, German and French. The two music levels I could do in my sleep, my German isn't that bad either, that would have left me with the entire year to swoton my French, and that would ‘ave meant I'd ‘ave aced it. Now instead I'm doing another year of bleeding Secondary."

"Your slang is back-sliding again."

"Oh bollocks….sorry."

Chuckling I reply, "It's okay by me, you're the one who wanted to be reminded whenever that happened."

"I know, thanks Mum."

"Anytime honey. It tends to come out more when you're nervous or stressed."

"Yeah, and I'm both. I still think it's not too late to take an extended vacation in London. You'd love the shopping."

"You'll be fine. Tell you what, get through the year and I'll take you up on the offer, and you can show me the sights."

Giving me a lopsided grin from beneath her now brunette bangs she replies, "Deal."

"Now the principal and the teachers know your situation, but no one else should. I shouldn't think it would matter, but you never know, so be careful who you tell if you decide to."

"Well Mi and Carolane know, but they say they haven't told anyone. I don't think there will be a problem."

"Let me know if there is. I'll pick you up after school. Do you have all your paperwork?"

"Yes Mum, don't worry, I'll be fine. Remember, it's only a half day today."

We pull up to the school, along with all the other first day of school arrivals. As soon as I stop the car, Tam grabs her backpack, and with a wave, and a quick smile to me, she hops out of the car, and is quickly swallowed up by the crowd of kids heading into the school.

My first inclination is to park, and follow her in to make sure all goes well. I'm far more nervous about Tam going to school than she is. We had met with the school principal and vice-principal a while back to explain Tam's situation, and to determine if there were going to be any issues. That meeting went well; both being very accepting, and that led to meeting with her teachers.

Although that went relatively well too, the math teacher didn't seem comfortable with the idea of Tam and her situation, and the physical education teacher seemed downright disgusted. I'd be more worried about him if Tam had to take the regular P.E. classes, but we got them to waive that requirement if Tam took an after-school sport. That way Tam can avoid any locker room problems, and any potential problems with the teacher. All the staff agreed to not announce Tam's situation, and to keep an eye out for any problems that may arise.

The sound of someone honking their horn at me to move, snaps me out of my reverie, and I pull out. Tam insisted that she'd be fine, and I'm sure she will be, but I can't help but worry.

Fortunately my morning keeps me busy enough for the time to fly by, and I'm soon back in the line with all the other parents to pick up their kids.

Peering ahead, I see Tam down at the other end of the drive, standing and laughing with her friends, Miyoko and Carol.

Chapter 22

As I look over at Tam's sleeping form, I can't help but wonder at how much things have changed in the past two years. The most dramatic change of course is in Tam herself. Gone is the gangly, sullen, androgynous boy, and in his place is a beautiful young woman.

Since starting hormone therapy, Tam's development has been nothing but miraculous. She'll never be tall, having topped out right at five foot, but she's definitely all girl.

We're catching a late flight back home after spending her spring break in California, working on her music. Warner is very impressed with her, and makes no secret that they think she has a long music career ahead of her if she wants it; they certainly do everything they can to have her produce.

She has a keen eye for the business, and has already made a good name for herself as someone great to collaborate with, but that is left in the shade by her raw musical talent with anything remotely resembling a guitar. Her father was extraordinary, but I don't think he could hold a candle to her now.

This summer, after Tam graduates, she's going to move out to California to her sister's place, and spend time in the recording studio. She refuses to tell me or anyone else about what she's recording, wanting to keep it as a surprise. Warner of course knows, and they're very happy with what they've seen so far. Apparently, at least part of the album she's putting together will contain the music she's constantly working on, when she's not doing anything else. She's been working on it since she first came here, but keeps it very private.

The only thing that I think has lacked in her life is having a relationship. Oh I know she has her friends, she's particularly close to Miyoko and Carolane. In fact I suspect they're a bit more than friends. Mi and Carol are definitely a couple, and there have been times that I think they've included Tam on things.

For a while I thought that maybe Tam and Aubrey were starting something, and there is something going on; one minute they're all touchy feely, the next they're at each other's throats. In fact, they had another spat while we were out there. This one really seemed to upset Tam, but she refuses to talk about it.

Hopefully, getting back in school will take her mind off of things. Just under two more months and she graduates with honors. We already have our travel plans to England made, and we're both excited to go. Afterwards, her sisters go on tour, and she moves into their place so she can work on her album.

I reach over and brush a strand of hair from her face, then smiling at how much I love her, I gently shake her shoulder.

"Tam, we'll be landing in a bit. Tam-a-lama, wake up honey."

Waking, Tam opens her eyes and smiles. Stretching she asks, "So soon?"

"You were really out of it. Feeling better?"

"Hmm, headache is gone, now I'm just hungry."

"We'll order something from the Thai place as soon as we get home. Glad to be back?"

"I'll be gladder once I've graduated. I really want to work full time on my music."

"If you're that anxious, we can postpone our trip until later."

"Oh no, I'm really looking forward to going; I have for a long time now."

"Good, I was hoping you'd say that."

Smiling at each other, we hold hands as the plane prepares to land.

THE END