Chapter 24

The wheel begins to turn

‘This is a sudden development,’ said Suzanne to me later that evening as I related to her the details of my conversation with Debbie. ‘Yesterday we were talking about you going on a first date, and now you tell me that you want to become a woman for evermore.’

‘I know, it wasn’t that I wanted to keep any secrets from you. Last night I was still struggling to prevent certain thoughts from coming in to my head. It was as if my mind was frightened of the implications of what my soul was aching for. Once I allowed myself to think the unthinkable, it suddently opened the flood gates, and I knew that I would never go back to living or thinking as Tom ever again.’

‘So when did all this happen.’

‘I allowed myself to consider the possibility of permanent transition to Clare in bed last night, and then found that I couldn’t sleep for ages because of the excitement of the idea. The more I thought about it the more certain I became that it was the right course of action for me in spite of all the difficulties involved. I wasn’t planning on saying anything to anyone for a week or so, but once I started to talk to Debbie at work today, I found that I just couldn’t stop myself from telling her what was going on in my head. Then I realised that I would have to tell you as well.’

‘So, this has got nothing to do with meeting Andy and your date on Saturday.’

‘I’m not sure; it may have been a catalyst. When I kissed him, it made me realise how much I wanted to live, and act and think as a woman - not just for a few weeks - but for the rest of my life. However, I want to make it clear that I’m doing this for myself, not for Andy or anyone else. I just want to become the real me.’

‘You didn’t mention to me that you’d kissed him,’ said Suzanne, smiling. ‘So that is why you were so late home.’

I blushed.

‘I know, I was still trying to make sense of what I was feeling when I spoke to you. It is not so much a question of being madly in love with Andy, so much as recognizing that this was who I really was.

Suzanne didn’t seem totally surprised by my revelation.

‘Ever since the first time I met Tom I noticed that there was something in his character that was not quite right, like a jigsaw piece that didn’t quite fit. It was as if Tom’s soul was not comfortable within his body. That may have been the reason why I encouraged you to become Clare in the first place, although I do admit that it was useful to have you stand in as my cousin at my dinner party.’

I smiled at the recollection of that evening.

‘Yes, I enjoyed myself that evening, once I’d got over my nerves.’

‘That was obvious, and the next day as well. As I got to know Clare, all trace of that awkwardness on your part seemed to disappear. I therefore suspected that you might eventually come to this decision, although I admit that I wasn’t expecting you to do so quite so quickly. After all, it was only a few weeks ago that you were arguing against going to the hairdressers with me.’

‘I know. I so wanted to go and have my hair done, and also to spend the whole of the Christmas holiday living as Clare, but I was also frightened about what it all meant.’

‘Debbie and I had both recognized that and had discussed how far we should encourage you to go ahead and embrace Clare, but in the end it had to be your own decision.’

‘Thank you, I see that now and I’m glad that you did encourage me. I am also pleased about the fire in my flat. It is almost as if things were meant to happen in this way.’

‘I am only pleased that I have been around to see you take the first few steps on your journey to becoming a woman. Does this mean that you are going to retain Clare’s identity, after I die?’

‘Yes I suppose it does. I realise it is illegal but I cannot see that anyone is going to find out.’

‘I’m glad about that since my will already names Clare Simpson as my executor, and also as one of a number of beneficiaries, and so I’m glad that I won’t now need to change things.’

‘You don’t need to leave anything to me Suzanne; you have done enough for me as it is.’

‘I promised to make it worth your while if you stayed with me and looked after me until the end and I intend to keep that promise.’

‘In that case, thank you, and of course I hope it won’t be for a long time.’

‘We’ll see, but I am finding that I am a little bit weaker every day.’

There was an awkward silence, so Suzanne decided to change the subject.

‘So, what are the implications of your decision to become Clare permanently?’

‘I suppose the first thing I need to do is to consult my local doctor and get a letter of referral to a Gender Identity Clinic. Once I’ve been formally accepted as a patient, I can then begin the process of transition to become a woman, both medically and also legally.’

‘What does that involve?’

‘I’ve been researching the subject on the Internet. I will have to satisfy them that I am both psychologically and physically capable of living successfully in my new gender role.’

‘I can’t see that creating any difficulties for you. There is no question that you look and act the part quite naturally. My two friends never questioned your gender, and I’ve never noticed anyone else do so on those occasions we’ve been out together.’

‘As I’ve lived as Clare since mid-December and been to work as a woman the beginning of this month, I’m hoping that the doctors will accept this as a part of the qualifying period.’

‘How long is the qualifying period?’

‘I would normally need to live for three months as a woman before I can qualify for hormone therapy, and at least twelve months before I could be considered as a candidate for surgery.’

‘So do you intend to go all the way?’ asked Suzanne.

‘There is no point in taking half measures. If I’m going to live as Clare I would want to do so in every respect that I possibly can. However, to be realistic, genital surgery is likely to be very expensive. There is no way that I could pay for it myself and so inevitably there will be a long waiting list.‘

‘What will you say to your father?’ she asked.

‘That’s going to be a problem. He thinks that I’m about to leave to travel to the USA. I suppose I could wait until it is all over before telling him, but now that I’m certain about my future, I think that I need to tell him as soon as possible after I’ve been officially diagnosed as gender dysphoric.’

‘Are you going to say anything to Andy?

‘I don’t think that I need to say anything to him at present, I’ll just see how we get on together over the next week or so, and then perhaps tell him at a later date if it seems appropriate.’

‘Well, good luck, Clare. What you are embarking upon is a very serious matter which will need a lot of thought. There can be no going back.’

‘I realise that.’

‘I suspect that it will be the right thing for you, but it is your body and your life and it can only be your decision.’

‘Thanks, Suzanne. I have taken a long time to come to the decision but now feel quite confident. I’ll try and arrange an appointment with my doctor either tomorrow or Friday afternoon, after work, to set things in motion.

I telephoned my GP practice from work the following morning and asked whether I might make an appointment to see one of the women doctors as soon as possible. They offered me an appointment the following afternoon. I quickly checked with Karen that it would be ok for me to arrive at work early and work through my lunch break on that day, and then accepted.

‘What is your name, address and date of birth?’ asked the receptionist.

‘My name is Thomas Evans and I was born 14 April 1986,’ I replied and proceeded to give her my new address.

‘There is something which you and the doctor need to know.’

‘What is that?’

‘I am living as a woman full-time and use the name Clare Simpson, which is the name that I will give when I arrive at the surgery tomorrow afternoon. It will be confusing and also a little embarrassing if you start to address me as Tom Evans.’

‘Don’t worry, I’ll put a note on your file and also warn the doctor,’ she said, as if it were nothing particularly unusual.

‘Thank you; that will be helpful.’

For some reason I always assume that things will be more problematic than they turn out to be.

Karen and Helen did not ask me about my doctor’s appointment, but I felt sure that they would quiz Debbie on the subject at the first available opportunity. Debbie, who realised the reason why I needed to consult a doctor, had agreed to pretend ignorance for the time being. It was not that I intended to keep my intentions a secret, but wanted everything in place before I started announcing them to all my colleagues, and also my father.

Although I’d been registered with the GP practice ever since I’d come to London, which was more than nine months ago, I hadn’t had any cause to use their services nor meet any of the doctors before this time. I gave my name to the receptionist and had to wait for a few minutes before I was called to see Dr. Andrews, who was a smart looking woman in her late thirties. As I entered her consulting room, I could see that she was reading a typed note that had been clipped to my medical file. She turned to me, smiled, and invited me to sit down.

‘So what can I do for you, young lady,’ she began.

I had been rehearsing in my mind what I would say all that morning.

‘I was born as Tom Evans, a male, but now live and work as Clare Simpson, a female, and I intend to stay that way for the rest of my life. I realise that I’ll never be able to change my genetic sex, but in my mind I have always been a woman and I now need your help to enable me to begin the process of changing my gender.’

‘How long have you been living as a female?’

‘I have been living as Clare, full-time, since early December and have also been going to work as Clare ever since we returned from the Christmas Holidays. But I did cross-dress and go out shopping as a woman at weekends before this.’

‘For how long have you felt the wish to live as a female?’

‘I believe I have always known that I was not the same as other boys, but I tried to hide that from myself and pretend that once I grew up and left home my feelings would change — only they didn’t do so. Then, once I had the opportunity to spend some time as a woman I realised that this was who I really was and how I was always meant to be.’

I deliberately kept things a little vague.

‘But when did you begin to dress as a woman at weekends?’

‘Nine months ago when I came up to London,’ I lied, thinking that if I admitted that it was only mid-November I would lack credibility. ‘Before that it was not really practicable for me to do so at home as my mother had a prolonged terminal illness. Prior to that I always assumed that one day I would grow out of these feelings, only now that I am twenty and away from home the feelings have just got stronger.’

‘I see,’ said Doctor Andrews, beginning to make notes on her computer screen.

‘It is only during the last few weeks that I have been able to live as Clare full-time, and I have never before felt so happy and contented with my life,’ I added.

‘Have you experienced any difficulties with your accommodation or your work since you started to dress as a woman.’

‘Not really, I have left my original bedsit and am now sharing a flat with a woman on the understanding that I do so as Clare, and that is working out fine. My boss also accepts me as Clare, and as soon as I have a formal diagnosis, I will seek to obtain a new National Insurance number and regularize my legal position.’

‘How about your colleagues at work?’

‘They all accept me as Clare.’

‘Good! Do you have a boyfriend,’ she asked.

‘I am quite friendly with a guy, who knows about my past life, but we have never had sex. My wish to become a woman does not come from any wish to improve my sex life, so much as becoming the person I really am.’

‘So, what are you looking for from me?’

‘I hope you will be prepared to prescribe some testosterone blockers for me and also to refer me to a gender identity clinic where I may begin the process of changing my gender.’

‘You appear to be well versed in the procedures involved.’

‘Yes, I have been reading about nothing else for the last few weeks. I believe that I am suffering from gender dysphoria and that it would be in my interests to live the remainder of my life as a woman.’

‘That will be for others with more training than either you or I to decide, but I must say that you do present to me as a very convincing young woman. From what you have told me today, I would be willing to refer you on to a clinic specializing in this condition.

‘Thank you Doctor.’

‘I will write to them today and they will be in touch and offer you an appointment in due course. You should realise that the course of action you are embarking upon will be prolonged and with no certain outcome.’

‘Yes, I know that Doctor, thank you very much.’

‘I am also prepared to prescribe you with a course of Aldactone, which is an anti-androgen, since the effects of its short-term use would be reversible. This will prevent the testosterone in your body from making you any more masculine in your appearance. However, it will be for my colleagues to decide whether or not you are a suitable recipient of hormone replacement therapy.’

She handed me the prescription.

‘Once you start to take these tablets you will become sexually dysfunctional, as a man, but this will end if you stop taking them. If you continue taking them over a prolonged period this loss of function could become permanent.’

‘I realise that Doctor, and understand the implications of what I am doing.’

‘In that case, Clare, I hope you are eventually able to find contentment in your new life.’

I left the surgery feeling as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I took the prescription to a pharmacist and came away with a two-month’ supply of pills, and had taken the first one before I left the shop.

I told Suzanne and Debbie about my consultation over dinner later that evening. They both seemed to be very pleased for me.

‘It may be a week or two before I hear any more but at least the wheels have now begun to turn. Assuming they accept me as a patient, I will have to find a way to tell my father.

‘Of course they will accept you, I cannot imagine that they have any other patient who is more obviously a woman in the wrong body than you are,’ said Debbie.

‘Thank you,’ I replied.

‘I’m not being nice; I am simply stating the truth as I see it.’

‘So you think I am doing the right thing, Debbie.’

‘In the end only you and your therapist can say that, but I certainly think you are doing the right thing in going to see one.’

‘I’ve also now got a supply of pills to stop me from becoming any more of a man,’ I said.

‘You never were very masculine in your appearance,’ said Debbie.

‘I know, but at least my own penis won’t now struggle when I go out with Andy tomorrow.’

‘I have been looking up how female impersonators cope with their dangly bits. I think I know what to do, but am not sure that I am as physically capable as I once was,’ said Suzanne. ‘Would you be willing to help me deal with Clare’s little problem, Debbie?’

‘I don’t see why not, I think we both owe it to her to help her look as presentable as possible tomorrow.’

I sat on the edge of my bed and then lay back and closed my eyes whilst my two friends gently eased my testes into my body cavity, allowing my penis to be pulled back between my legs and wrapped in the empty scrotal sack. The arrangement was then held in place with medical adhesive tape. When I sat up, my penis and scrotum were entirely hidden from my view. Only the tip remained uncovered.

‘Thank you, both,’ I said. ‘That doesn’t feel too bad.’

‘You had better make sure that you can still pee,’ suggested Suzanne. ‘You’ll have to do so from the seated position from now onwards.’

‘I’ve been in the habit of doing so ever since I became Clare,’ I replied.

A minute or so later I emerged from the toilet confirming that all was ok with the new plumbing arrangements.

‘You will need to remove and replace the tape from time to time to keep yourself clean, and it’ll be uncomfortable when you do so,’ said Suzanne, but with practice you should be able to do this for yourself.

‘It will be worth all the trouble to look and feel more like a woman,’ I said.