Chapter 18

A Proposition

Dad and his lady friend were due to return from their Winter cruise on 6th January, the day after I heard that I would lose my job, so perhaps it was just as well that I’d decided to change back to Tom. Life was quite complicated enough without having to make awkward explanations about what I was doing. An awful lot had happened to me during the five weeks since I’d travelled up to see them both before they left. For four of those weeks I’d been living as Clare full-time, and had even been to work as her as well. I’d attended a party dressed as a woman and had happily spent time chatting to a guy there. I’d even been out with a him for an evening afterewards, something I’d never have dreamed of doing. During the same period I’d lost my home, most of my belongings and would soon be losing my job. Life had certainly been eventful, but the time had come for me to begin my transition and to pick up the pieces of Tom’s life. I had to admit to myself that I wasn’t exactly looking forward to the prospect.

However, before I could do anything, I would have to go out and buy some new clothes for Tom, using Clare’s debit card. I’d enjoyed my shopping trips with Suzanne and Debbie over the last few weeks, and would miss getting myself ready each morning. I therefore decided that Clare could at least look her best for one last time. As soon as I’d helped Suzanne to get up and get herself showered and dressed, I went to my room to choose myself something nice to wear and began to get myself ready to go out. Suzanne joined me half an hour later having put on some makeup in the meanwhile.

‘You’re looking very smart again this morning Clare,’ she commented as she came into my bedroom.

‘Thanks,’ I replied, pleased that she had noticed.

‘I thought you were only intending to go out to buy Tom a few clothes this morning,’ she continued.

‘Yes, I am, but I’m going to miss putting on my makeup and doing my hair each morning, so I thought I’d make a particular effort on this last occasion,’ I replied diffidently.

My answer seemed to please her and she sat down on the bed, and rested her crutches next to her.

‘Do you mind if I stay and watch you for a while?’

‘Of course not,’ I said a little surprised. ‘In fact it reminds me of that first weekend in November when you showed me how to put on makeup for the first time.’

I continued to put the finishing touches to my eyes. Using eye-liner and mascara had become almost second nature to me. I then expertly put on some lipstick and a couple of dabs of face powder before checking for any small blemishes that I’d missed.

‘You’ve learned quickly how to use makeup, without over-doing it.’

It was true, but nice to be reminded of the fact, all the same.

‘Thanks, I had a very good teacher, but I’m usually quite pleased with the result these days.’

I started to brush my hair into its usual style. There was extra work involved in having long hair, but I enjoyed looking after it. Suzanne continued to watch me.

‘If you hadn’t lost your job, would you have been prepared to stay living as Clare for a while?’

‘Yes I suppose so, for a little while at least,’ I replied not knowing what she was getting at.

‘How long for?’

I shrugged.

‘I don’t really know — a few weeks, maybe? I was going to play it by ear and see how I felt about things. After all, I’d only just talked myself into going out with Andy.’

‘Yes, what is going to happen about him now?’ she asked.

‘I suppose we’ll both have to accept that events were against us, and it was never meant to be,’ I said a little sadly.

‘That’s a pity.’

I didn’t respond, as I wasn’t sure what I thought about the matter, so instead I continued to brush my hair. I could see Suzanne’s face reflected in my dressing table mirror and no doubt she could also see mine. There was a short silence as I inserted a pair of earrings in the holes in my ears; this was another skill I’d acquired without realising it.

I was now almost finished and was just collecting up the various items of cosmetics to put away in my handbag, when I noticed that Suzanne was still looking at me, as if there was something she wished to say, but was not sure how to say it. This was unlike her as she was usually quite confident and spoke her mind. I turned round and smiled at her.

‘Suzanne is there something you want to say to me?’

‘Yes Clare, in fact I’ve a proposition to make to you,’ she said tentatively.

‘What kind of proposition?’ I asked, stopping what I was doing for a moment.

‘My doctor came to visit me yesterday whilst you were out at work and we had a long talk about my future. He says he is now concerned about my living on my own, but I told him that I’m not ready to move into full-time nursing care. I also explained that I had a girlfriend staying with me for a few weeks whilst she was looking for a flat, and that she was helping me get up and go to bed. This satisfied him for the time being, but we both know that I can no longer manage at home on my own. Of course I didn’t realise then that you would be wanting to look for another job so soon. If you do decide to go back to being Tom again and find yourself another job, I will loan you the money for a deposit on a flat and to buy yourself some clothes, but I would want you to move out as soon as possible, so that I can find myself a care-giver who can live in. However, if you remember, at the end of November I jokingly suggested that you might like to become my paid live-in nurse. At the time you raised two objections: that you already had a flat and a job. Both of those objections no longer seem to apply. If you were interested, I could to employ you as a part-time helper, and would pay you enough to make up for your loss of earnings. You could then continue to work part-time at your office.’

‘I couldn’t accept any payment from you Suzanne, you’re my friend. Helping you to get dressed is the least I can do for you.’

‘I’m soon going to need more help than just getting up and going to bed. Please at least think about my offer, Clare. After all, it’s going to be difficult enough for me to find a care-giver who can live in. If I do find someone, I may not even like them. At least I know that we get on well together, and that I can rely on you. If you accept my proposal I would pay you the difference from what you currently receive but it would be cash in hand rather than subject to tax, so you would be better off. There would be certain conditions attached to my offer though,’ she continued.

‘What sort of conditions?’

‘First of all, I want you to understand that this offer is only being made to Clare. If you accept you must agree to remain as you are now and forget all about Tom for the duration of your employment with me - however long that may be. I don’t want to end my days being looked after by Tom, or even by a part-time Clare. In return, I’ll provide you with all the clothes and anything else that you might need to live as a woman full-time.’

I noted her words but didn’t respond to this point.

‘Secondly, I want you to promise to remain with me until I die, even if it eventually means you have to give up your job and work for me full-time. I really do not want to spend my last days in a nursing home or hospital, and have made that quite clear to the doctors.

I also want you to arrange for my funeral and cremation and be the executor of my will. If you agree to do these things for me, I promise to make it worth your while. I believe that I can trust you. There is nobody else I can ask. My only surviving relative is a cousin in Australia whom I’ve not seen in several years. I expect that she’s forgotten that I even exist. My only friends, other than you, have just gone abroad.

I sighed, feeling truly sorry about her bleak prospects, but not sure what to do.

‘My goodness Suzanne, I agreed to stand in as your cousin for one evening and now you’re asking me to spend the next few months, maybe even years, living as a woman full-time,’ I said, trying to lighten the atmosphere a little.

‘No Clare, it may be a few weeks; a few months if I’m lucky, but it certainly won’t be years,’ she said sadly. ‘Believe me I am well aware of the seriousness of my condition and its likely outcome.

I didn’t know what to say in response to her. Of course I was desperately sorry for her, and also grateful for everything she had done and was doing for me, but what she was suggesting would take things to a new level. There was an awkward silence.

‘I know that I’m asking a lot of you, but I wouldn’t have made the suggestion if I’d not been convinced that, deep down, you prefer living as Clare and will continue to do so.’

Was this so? I looked down at my long lacquered finger nails and suspected that she was right, even though I’d not entirely come to terms with the fact myself.

‘I suppose I have said to you that I’ve enjoyed my time staying with you as Clare,’ I began, but Suzanne interrupted.

‘Actually, it was pretty obvious to both Debbie and me without your needing to say so, otherwise we would not have pressured you in the way that we did,’ she said smiling.

‘I’m glad that you did,’ I said blushing. ‘But I need to think about any potential problems with your plan. What would happen if my employers discovered that one of their male employees was coming in to work dressed as a woman and it became impossible for me to continue working at the office?’

‘I don’t think that is likely to happen, but if it did, you could either work for me full-time or else look out for another part-time job as Clare.’

‘How would I do that without the necessary identity documentation?’

‘Don’t forget that I have a birth certificate, a National Insurance number, and a bank account in the name of Clare Alice Simpson. You could walk into any job using that name at any time. In fact I would suggest that, if your office manager agrees, Tom should give in his notice on Monday and that Clare should apply to take over as soon as he leaves.’

‘Surely someone is going to check and I could be prosecuted if they ever found out that I was living under somebody else’s name,’ I said.

‘That would be a possibility, but there’s no reason why anyone should find out as long as you lead a quiet and law-abiding life in all other respects. I also have an Australian passport in that name that will soon need to be renewed. It’ll be a relatively simple task to get a new one with your photograph and your signature. Clare Simpson already has indefinite leave to remain in the UK and doesn’t need a work permit. She could even apply for UK citizenship if she chose to do so.’

‘Suzanne, how is it that you possess this duplicate identity?’ I asked.

‘There are reasons, which I’ll explain to you at some future time, but only if you agree to my proposition.’

I stopped for a minute or two to think through the implications of what she was suggesting to me. In some respects I found the prospect quite exciting, but it would also have many far-reaching implications for me as well. I’d always enjoyed my time as Clare, but there had always been an end in sight.

‘So what do you think about my proposition, young lady?’ she asked at last.

‘Suzanne, you’re looking for quite a commitment from me. I’m going to need a little time to think about it.’

I think she was a little disappointed that I hadn’t immediately accepted her offer, but on the other I hadn’t turned it down either.

‘Alright then; I realise that what I’ve just proposed will take some thought on your part, and that you’ll need to take a little time to decide what to do, but in the meanwhile don’t go shooting off to the shops to buy a whole load of men’s clothes that you may not ultimately need.’

‘If I agree to postpone my shopping trip, will you let me have until tomorrow to make my decision.’

‘Yes, of course, tomorrow will be fine, but I won’t be able to afford to leave it much longer.’

‘I know,’ I replied.

Suzanne got up and made her way back to her own bedroom on crutches without saying anything more. There was no doubt that she was right, she did now need help. I’d noticed the deterioration in her condition over the last two months; she was often now breathless and the slightest exertion would tire her out. My presence in her flat for the last few weeks had disguised the fact that she would not now be able to manage if she were to be left on her own. I absent-mindedly started brushing my hair once again as I thought about the implications of what she’d just said.

I needed to think things through on my own, without the proximity of Suzanne. I was dressed and ready to go out but I’d done all of our shopping for groceries on Wednesday evening and didn’t now have to go shopping for Tom’s clothes. I therefore decided to take a walk in nearby Holland Park instead. It was a cold sunny day, ideal weather for clearing my head and sorting out what I wanted to do with my life.

It wasn’t as if I’d been desperately unhappy living as Tom, but I’d always felt that things weren’t quite right with my life. It was as if everything was a little bit blurred, whereas ever since I’d become Clare it was as if I’d acquired my first pair of glasses. Everything now appeared to be in sharp focus. With Tom, the colours had all seemed a little muted whereas as Clare it was like being in a 1950s Technicolour film; everything appeared to be bright and shiny. No doubt I’d soon get used to the colours and sensations of living as a woman and begin to take them for granted, but for the time being I was enjoying the novelty of wearing pretty clothes and taking trouble over my appearance.

Although there was frost still on the ground in places, I was warmly dressed in a winter coat and boots. I therefore sat on a park bench for a while turning over things in my mind. I’d been there about fifteen minutes when a guy in his twenties walked past with his dog. I could see from his expression that he quite fancied me, but I was now getting used to receiving admiring glances from guys, and this didn’t worry me too much.

‘Hello love, are you alright?’ he asked.

It was an odd sensation, half of me was quite pleased to be noticed and that he taken the trouble to ask, something that would never have happened to Tom, but the other half was exasperated that I could not be left on my own to think for ten minutes.

‘I’m fine thanks, I’m just waiting for my boyfriend,’ I replied smiling. ‘In fact I think that is him coming now,’ I said pointing to someone in the distance.

‘OK then,’ he said and we both walked off in different directions.

I clearly couldn’t stay sitting in the park all morning without the danger that I might get arrested for loitering or that someone would come over and try to chat me up. In any event, I really needed to talk things through with someone who understood my situation, other than Suzanne. My only other friend was Debbie, so I decided to ring her and ask whether I might go and see her.

‘Hi Debs, what are you doing this morning?’ I asked.

‘Hi Clare? or is it Tom that I’m speaking to now?’ she asked, apparently a little surprised by my call.

‘I thought you could tell the difference from my voice.’

‘Well it sounds like Clare, but yesterday you seemed to be adamant that you’d be reverting to Tom this morning.’

‘I know I was, but you were right first time; it’s still Clare, at least for the time being.’

‘Good; in that case what can I do for you my dear?’

‘Would it be possible for me to come over to your flat and have a talk with you later today, there’s something I need to discuss fairly urgently.’

‘Well I happen to be shopping in central London at the moment and have just bought myself a great new evening dress in one of the Oxford Street sales. As you’re still en femme you would be welcome to come over this evening if you like. Alternatively I’d be happy to meet up for lunch, if it’s urgent.’

‘Lunch would be better for me if that is alright. Shall we meet up in that café in Leicester Square where we went once before?’

‘Yes, I’ll see you there in about an hour.’