I meet up with Andy

but then receive some bad news

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 17

Some bad news

Karen was away at her meeting of office managers on Thursday and Helen was out visiting clients so Debbie and I were in the office alone. Inevitably she asked me about what I intended to wear, later that evening, and I related the events of the previous night.

‘Don’t worry you should be able get yourself something to wear when your insurance money comes through’

‘I don’t know about that, remember I will first of all have to replace all of Tom’s clothes and pay a deposit on a new flat.’

‘But you’re surely not going to abandon Clare altogether after you’ve been doing so well over the last few weeks.’

‘I really don’t know Debbie, I feel rather confused about things at present. I’ve enjoyed myself as Clare over the last few weeks, and feel that Suzanne has begun to rely upon my help each day, but I’m a boy rather than a girl and can’t spend my life pretending to be something I’m not.’

‘I don’t see why you shouldn’t continue living as Clare a little longer as you do it so well. Maybe you’re a boy underneath but recently you’ve been acting much more like a girl. You’ve admitted that you enjoy your time as Clare, and as far as your friends are concerned she is much more fun to have around than Tom.’

I sighed.

‘Suzanne said something similar to me the other day. I guess it must be true.’

‘Of course it’s true, Karen was only saying as much to me yesterday. Do you think that Andy would have chatted to you at my party if you had been dressed as a boy?’

‘I suppose not, and I doubt if he’d want to go out with me if I turned up tonight dressed as Tom.’

---

Four hours later I arrived at Piccadilly Circus, unsure whether or not I was making a big mistake. Andy was already waiting for me at the base of the statue of Eros, just as he’d promised. He smiled and waved as I approached.

‘Hi Clare, it’s nice to see you again.’

‘You too,’ I replied smiling, but not altogether convinced that I meant it.

Andy seemed to hesitate about whether or not he should kiss me, but then thought better of it.

‘It’s a bit chilly out here tonight, shall be go somewhere and have a drink together?’

‘Alright, but I’d prefer somewhere fairly quiet and not too busy where we can have a talk together, if you don’t mind,’ I replied.

‘In that case let us find a hotel bar, rather than a pub.’

He led the way down Piccadilly until we found somewhere suitable, and went inside. I now felt glad that Suzanne had been adamant that I should dress smartly and take care with my makeup when I’d arrived home from work.

---

The waiter showed us to a quiet table in a corner of the room and then took our coats. Andy helped me to my chair, a minor attention that nobody had ever paid to me before.

‘What would you like to drink Clare?’

‘A white wine and soda please.’

He ordered my drink and a pint of beer for himself.

There was a moment’s hesitation. There were things that I wanted to say but he had asked to see me and so I was determined to let him take the lead in any conversation. I smiled expectantly.

‘I must say that you look very nice again this evening.’

I smiled and waited until the waiter was out of earshot before replying.

‘You mean I look very nice for a bloke in a dress.’

‘I didn’t say that. You look very nice — full-stop. I’ve never thought of you as anything but an attractive young woman.’

I blushed, and quietly thanked him, feeling that he had overcome the first hurdle successfully.

‘I thought you were planning to return to Leicestershire on New Year’s day,’ he said, changing the subject.

‘I’m afraid that was a lie; I’m sorry but I couldn’t very well explain to you that the reason I could not go out with you was that I was planning to revert to my true gender.’

‘No I suppose not, but it would seem that you now appear to have changed your mind and have decided not to change back.’

‘That was partly due to circumstances out of my control — my flat and all of Tom’s clothes were being destroyed in a fire, as we were speaking together on Saturday night. Now it looks as if I’ll have to remain as Clare for a couple of weeks until I can get things organised.’

‘I’m glad’ he answered tentatively.

‘Thanks very much!’

‘No, don’t get me wrong, I’m not glad about the fire, but I am glad that you’ll be around as Clare for a while longer.’

The waiter returned with our drinks before I could answer. I had to wait until he’d served them and was again out of earshot.

‘Andy, I don’t understand why you wanted to see me again after Debbie had told you about my background,’ I said.

‘I don’t know the answer to that either Clare. All I can say is that I was rather taken by the young lady that I met last weekend and got the impression that she enjoyed talking to me. It came as a bit of a surprise when Debbie told me all about you, but I suppose I wanted to discover whether I would still feel the same way about you now that I know the full story.

‘I’m sorry if you thought that I’d misled you. I didn’t set out deliberately to do so, but you just seemed quite nice,’ I replied quietly.

‘No I don’t blame you; although you did let me kiss you goodbye.’

I blushed.

‘I know and that was probably a mistake. I’m sorry.’

‘I’m not sorry, but it was something of a surprise to find that I was fancying someone who used to be a guy.’

‘Believe me it has been even more of a surprise to me. Eight weeks ago I’d never even worn a skirt, let alone gone out for a drink with a guy, dressed and made up as I am.’

‘Well you do look very nice dressed as you are.’

This comment seemed to lighten the atmosphere between us.

‘Thank you, kind sir,’ I replied smiling.

There was again a brief silence.

‘So where do we go from here?’ he asked.

‘That rather depends upon you. What conclusion have you reached now that you’ve met me again.’

‘I would like to go out with you sometime, if you feel the same way about me.’

My feelings were in a turmoil. I really didn’t know what I wanted to do, so I played for time.

‘When?’

‘How about Saturday night?’

‘Andy, before I answer you, will you tell me how you would have reacted if I’d turned up this evening dressed as a guy?’

He hesitated before answering.

‘I’ve no idea, I find it very difficult to visualise you as anything other than a pretty girl, and I’m not sure that I want to do so.’

‘You must understand that Clare won’t be around forever.’

‘I realise that, but let us see how we get on together whilst she is around and then cross that bridge when we come to it.’

I thought for a moment before answering.

‘I’m afraid that Saturday is too soon for me. Will you give me a couple more days to sort out my own feelings?’

He looked disappointed.

‘So when may I ring you?’ he asked.

‘How about next Tuesday.’

‘Very well Clare, I’ll call you on Tuesday,’ he said touching my hand, ‘and maybe we can go out together afterwards.’

‘We’ll see.’

‘What are we going to do about this evening?’

‘I suppose we both have our drinks so there’s no reason why we shouldn’t stay for a chat for a little while longer, if that is ok with you.’

‘Yes, I’d like that,’ he said.

In the event we spent the next hour or so chatting about our respective lives and jobs. I tried to avoid saying too much about my past as a young man, and so was happy to let him talk about his job in the City. From this I gained the impression that he was doing fairly well and was comfortably off, but worked long hours and didn’t seem to have had many girlfriends. Eventually we shared a taxi home that dropped me off first. I offered to pay half of the fare but was quite relieved when he refused. I kissed him quickly on the cheek and thanked him for the drinks.

‘I’ll call you on Tuesday then,’ he said.

‘Alright,’ I answered, smiling. ‘I’ll look forward to that.’

---

‘So how did it go then?’ asked Suzanne as soon as I arrived back in the flat.

‘We got on alright, I think. We just had a drink together and a chat about how we felt, about things.’

‘So what was the conclusion? Will you be seeing each other again?’

‘He asked me to go out with him on Saturday, but I suggested that he should call me on Tuesday instead.’

‘Clare, be careful that you don’t play too hard to get.’

‘I don’t want to mess him around, but I felt I needed a little time to sort out my own feelings first.’

‘Alright then, but don’t leave it too long, if you don’t want to lose him.’

‘At the moment, Suzanne, I don’t know what I want.’

---

Karen was already in the office, looking rather anxious when I arrived for work the next morning. As soon as I’d taken off my coat and changed my boots, she asked to have a word with me before the others arrived. We used the small meeting room that was reserved for any private interviews or discussions with clients.

‘Clare, I’m afraid I’ve some rotten news for you at the start of a New Year. The company has decided that this office is overstaffed compared with others and so they won’t be renewing your current contract when it expires at the end of February. I’ll be allowed to recruit a part-time assistant in your place. I explained to them that you’ve worked hard and had been doing an excellent job over the last nine months, but I’m afraid they didn’t want to set a precedent, which the other office managers might use to argue for more staff. As you were only on a fixed term contract they were adamant that the office will only be permitted to employ one and a half assistants in future. I’m so sorry.’

‘Oh!,’ I said, taken aback by the unexpected news, ‘When do I have to leave?’

‘The company will honour your existing contract to work until the end of February. I’ve also managed to get the concession that if you find yourself another job and want to leave before that time they’ll not require you to work the usual four-week period of notice, although they’ll pay you as if you had.’

‘I suppose if I’m going to be paid until the end of February I’ll at least have enough time to re-establish myself as Tom and look for something else,’ I replied.

‘They have left it up to me to recruit someone for the part-time post once you’ve left. I would be more than happy to offer that job to Tom, or indeed to Clare, if you were interested,’ said Karen.

‘So getting rid of me has nothing to do with my coming in to work dressed as Clare.’

‘Absolutely not, nobody at head office knows about you, and even if they did they would probably only worry if it was affecting your productivity. They’re really only concerned with the balance sheets. Would you consider working part-time for a few months? Maybe I could try and make a case for a full-time post again later on?’

Karen looked distinctly embarrassed by having to give me this news.

‘Thanks for the offer, but I could only just manage financially when I worked full-time, there’s no way that I could afford to go part-time unless I found myself another job as well.’

‘In that case I’m really sorry that we’ll be losing you, and hope you will find another job very quickly. I promise to give you an excellent reference if you need one.’

---

I took a few minutes in the toilet to gather my thoughts, dry my eyes, and repair my makeup before I went out to face the sympathy of my colleagues. Tom would never have cried in such circumstances, but somehow I felt it was allowable to Clare. In the meanwhile Karen explained the unhappy situation to the others as they arrived for work. The news cast a shadow over the office and conversation was rather subdued throughout the morning. Debbie did however offer to take me out for coffee and a sandwich together at lunch time.

‘So what are you going to do Clare?’ she asked.

‘I’ll see if Suzanne will be willing to loan me the money to buy some clothes for Tom this weekend and then get rid of these hair extensions, which will soon be reaching their sell-by date. I can’t very well go job hunting looking like this,’ I said looking at my manicured and polished finger nails. ‘It was Suzanne who got me into this mess after all, so maybe she will help me get out of it.’

‘You can’t blame Suzanne for the fire in your flat or for losing your job, for that matter,’ said Debbie.

I sighed.

‘No I suppose not, in fact she has been very kind to me over the last few weeks.’

‘Where will you stay?’

‘If I can find a new full-time job I should be alright once the insurance payment comes through and I can afford to pay a deposit on a flat, but in the meanwhile I’m hoping that Suzanne will take pity on me for the next couple of weeks.’

‘You could, if necessary, sleep on my settee until your cheque arrives but it’ll not be very comfortable.’

‘Thank you, that’s very kind of you to offer Debbie, but for the time being shall we change the subject and talk about something a little more cheerful.’

‘Alright then Clare, before I heard your news this morning I was dying to ask how you got on with Andy last night.’

‘We had an enjoyable time, once we’d both got over a little bit of awkwardness at the outset. In fact I’d just decided that I would take the plunge and go out with him on a date next week, when Karen broke the news to me this morning.’

‘So you’ve not made any specific arrangements to see him then?’

‘No, we left it that he’d ring me next Tuesday, but I’m afraid he will now find himself speaking to Tom when he does.’

‘He may still want to take you out, nevertheless’

‘No I don’t think so. I don’t think either of us is ready to go out in public as two guys on a date together.’

‘I’m sorry Clare, and just when things were beginning to go so well for you.’

---

I felt quite bitter with my employers, but it was clearly nothing to do with Karen or my colleagues. I determined that I would continue to work hard until I left, after all I might need a reference from them at some time.

---

As soon as I got home that evening I broke the news to Suzanne.

‘So what are you planning to do?’ she asked.

‘I’ve been looking around this afternoon and there seems to be plenty of work around, but I’m now going to need to change back into Tom as quickly as possible so that I can start applying for jobs and attending interviews. I was wondering whether you might be prepared to loan me some money to buy some clothes. I would promise to repay you as soon as my cheque arrives.’

‘Of course I will, although I’m going to miss having Clare around. I only have thirty pounds in my purse at present, but you’re welcome to use Clare’s debit card to spend a couple of hundred pounds. Will that be enough?’

‘Yes, thank you Suzanne, but that means I’ll have to go shopping tomorrow dressed as Clare.’

‘I guess so, but that shouldn’t be a problem, no-one would think it unusual for a girl to be buying men’s clothes.’

‘No, I suppose not, and I’ll also need to make an appointment with the hairdresser to have these extensions taken out.’

Suzanne sighed.

‘I expect I can sort out your hair and give you a male haircut without you having to go to the hairdresser,’ said Suzanne. ‘But what will you do about your living accommodation?’

‘I should be alright as soon as my insurance money arrives. May I stay here for a little while, until I’ve a chance to explain to my father and borrow some money for a deposit on a flat.’

‘I won’t be throwing you out on to the street, but you can only stay for a couple of weeks as it’s becoming daily more apparent that I’ll soon need to employ a live-in helper.’

‘Yes I realise that, Suzanne. Of course I’ll continue to help you as much as I can but you’re going to need a female nurse and so I promise to leave as soon as I can.’

The news created an air of gloom over the flat for the rest of the evening and neither of us said very much more. We both went to bed early. Once I’d helped her to get changed I lay in bed thinking about my future and also the changes to my life over the last few weeks.