I return to work after the holiday
and start to pick up the threads

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 16

Back to the office

I took the most important documents with me when I left but decided that the few remaining clothes in the flat were probably not worth the trouble of washing and storing. In any event, I’d promised to forget about Tom for the duration of my stay with Suzanne. When he eventually re-emerged from the ashes he could have an entirely new wardrobe. I then went to a cash dispenser to check on the state of his finances. There wasn’t a lot of money in the current account, but probably enough for me to manage until the end of the month as I wouldn’t now have to pay any rent. I therefore withdrew fifty pounds. I’d noticed an advertisement in the paper that the ‘Next’ shop at Marble Arch was having a New Year’s sale, and so I took a bus, and managed to buy myself a two-pack bra set and matching knickers, plus a couple of packets of tights. I was now broke but had enough underclothes for a week at work. I’d also do some washing and sort out my wardrobe during the afternoon. I would then be in a position to decide what else I needed to buy. On the way home I had four pictures of myself taken in a photo booth as I was going to need one for the photo card to accompany my new season ticket when I went in to work the next day.

I returned to Suzanne’s flat at lunchtime and discovered that she’d already been quite busy sorting through her clothes and had found me two rather attractive two-piece suits together with coordinating blouses and accessories that would be suitable for me to wear to work.

‘These are for you Clare, and I’ve decided that you may keep my burgundy winter coat as well,’ she said.

‘Suzanne, they’re great, but I can’t keep taking your best clothes all the time.’

‘You’ll want to look smart at the office, and I can’t see any likelihood that I’m going to be wearing them again. If you like, you can treat them as a loan for the time being, as I’m intending to leave all my clothes to you in my will, so you had better make sure that you don’t put on any extra weight in the meanwhile.’

‘First of all I hope your demise will be a long way off, and secondly, what on earth would I do with so many women’s clothes once I have my own flat again?’

‘I hope you’ll be happy to wear them from time to time. I think that over the last five weeks we may have stumbled on a hitherto hidden aspect of your character. I truly believe that you are happier and more fulfilled living as Clare, than you were previously.’

I could feel myself blushing, but was saved from having to answer by the ringing of my mobile phone. It was Debbie again. For once, I was pleased to be interrupted by the call.

‘Hi Debs!’

‘Well Clare, your secret is now out to at least one guy. I’ve told Andy all about you.’

‘How did he react!’

‘Disbelief, at ,first. He thought I was winding him up, but I eventually managed to convince him that, despite appearances to the contrary, you were 100% male in body, if not in mind.’

‘Then what?’

‘At first he became quite angry with you, with me, and also with himself.’

‘I thought so, but why should he be angry with himself.’

‘He obviously still fancies you, and I suppose he feels that it must somehow undermine his masculinity to be fancying another genetic male, even one as lovely and feminine looking as you are. However, he did calm down, and in the end he even took down your telephone number. He will probably need a bit of time to think things through, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he does contact you again in a day or two.’

‘What will I say if he does ring me?’

‘Just tell him the truth and let him decide whether or not he wants to take it any further. If he does, then you’ll just have to play it by ear like any other girl.’

‘What was that all about?’ asked Suzanne, once I’d finished my call.

‘I’m sorry Suzanne, but with all the fuss over the fire and everything, I’d forgotten to tell you about the party on Saturday night. I spent some time chatting to one of Debbie’s former workmates, a young man called Andy. We got on well together and he asked me out, but I told him that I lived in Loughborough and would be returning home today. Now he has discovered that I’m going to be in London during January and has asked Debbie for my phone number. I gave her permission to tell him my number, but only after she’d explained to him about my situation first.’

Suzanne didn’t look particularly surprised by the news.

‘That was probably the wisest course of action. Do you think he’ll phone you now that he knows the truth?’

‘I doubt it; apparently he was both surprised and angry when he discovered that the girl he’d kissed goodnight was really a bloke.’

‘So you let him kiss you goodnight?’

‘I didn’t intend to, I was trying to kiss him on the cheek as he left, but he turned his head at the last minute and caught me by surprise.’

‘I see; and how will you react if he does now ring you?’

‘I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have to see how I feel. What do you think I should do if he were to ask me out?’

‘If you liked him, then go for it.’

‘But I’m not sure what I do feel about him. I’ve never had a girlfriend before as I was always too shy to ask anyone, but I’d never thought of myself as being gay.’

‘I always assumed that Tom was probably gay, although he might not be fully aware of it,’ answered Suzanne, in a matter of fact way. ‘As to Clare, just take a look in that mirror and tell me what you see.’

I did as I was told.

‘I suppose I see a young woman.’

‘Exactly. You now look, act and sound like an attractive and feminine young woman. Only you can decide what you feel inside, but I would remind you of what I was saying before you took Debbie’s call. That I truly believe that you are happier and more fulfilled living as Clare, than you used to be,’ said Suzanne.

I blushed again then sighed.

‘Maybe you’re right, but it does create all kinds of problems.’

‘But life would be a lot less interesting without them.’

---

Later that evening as we were watching television, I took a call from a number I didn’t recognise.

‘Hello Clare, it’s Andy, we met on Saturday.’

‘Hi Andy, I gather you’ve been let into my little secret,’ I answered as I got up and went to the spare bedroom to talk.

‘Yes, I was utterly amazed by the news — I’d no inkling when I was speaking to you.’

‘I’m quite pleased to hear that, but I wasn’t deliberately trying to trick you.’

‘But you succeeded, all the same.’

I blushed and was relieved that we were talking on the phone. I would have felt a lot less confident if we had been talking face to face.

‘So what can I do for you?’ I asked.

‘I wondered if we could meet again, for a chat and a drink one evening next week?’ if that’s ok by you.’

‘So you would still like to meet me again, in spite of what you now know about me?’

‘Yes, I think so,’ he answered.

I hesitated before answering.

‘Alright then, let’s meet to see how we get on, but there are no commitments or expectations on either side.’

‘My feelings entirely,’ he said.

‘Would you mind if we waited until near the end of the week before we met up, as I’ve a number of things that I have to sort out before then?’

‘Shall we say next Thursday evening at 8.00pm at Piccadilly Circus? I’ll be waiting for you by the statue of Eros.’

‘Alright I’ll see you then,’ I replied, wondering if there was any significance in the chosen meeting place.

Suzanne had been sitting in the chair next to me when I first took the call and so there was no way that I could avoid sharing the news with her.

‘That’s great Clare, you can’t stay in every night with me. I hope it goes well for you,’ she declared.

‘Thanks I’m not sure what to expect from our meeting, or how I feel about the idea of seeing a guy, but he seems quite keen on the idea’ I replied blushing a little.

‘Just let him take the lead, and follow your instincts,’ she advised.

‘I suppose so.’

‘So what are you planning to wear when you see him?’

‘I don’t know whether I should dress casually or try and look glamorous for our first meeting.’

‘The latter of course, half of the fun of being a girl is getting dressed up ready for a date.’

‘Well it’s not really a date, as such’

‘In that case you’ll want to give him a taste of what he might be missing if the relationship goes no further. On Wednesday night I’ll help you to choose something to suit the occasion.’

---

I set my alarm for 6.00 o’clock the following morning, nearly an hour and a half earlier than I would normally have done on a working weekday. I wanted to ensure that I’d enough time to get myself ready and then to help Suzanne get out of bed and dressed before I left. However, the two tasks didn’t take as long as I feared. On most days Suzanne was still able to do many things for herself, and I was now proficient at putting on my own makeup and doing my hair. As a result, I found that we had half an hour before I needed to leave for work where we might enjoy some breakfast together.

‘How will you feel about going back to work after nearly three weeks away?’ asked Suzanne.

‘I’ve enjoyed my break and especially staying with you, but I’m also looking forward to returning to work. I expect I’ll feel a little bit self-conscious to be going back as Clare, but I’m used to dressing like this now and my colleagues have all seen me before and seem to accept me.

‘Will you have to deal with customers or regular callers at the office?’

‘Not really. Most of our work is done over the phone or by electronic mail these days. I’ll have to deal with messengers and postmen in person, but nobody who regularly dealt with my former self, so I’m fairly confident that I’ll be able to pass successfully as a woman without arousing their suspicion.’

‘Well you certainly look the part in that outfit - feminine yet business-like,’ said Suzanne.

I smiled, quite pleased with the overall look that I’d achieved.

‘I’m beginning to understand how nice clothes and careful grooming can make a girl feel much more confident.’

‘So you do think of yourself as a girl now?’ commented Suzanne.

‘I suppose I do, or at least I do so when I’m dressed like this.’

‘I’m glad; it’s now some time since I’ve thought of you in any other way.’

---

My journey in to work was fairly uneventful. I wore a pair of thigh-length leather boots with medium heels together with my new long winter coat. I was glad not to be wearing high heels, just in case there should be any mishaps when I was travelling on the tube train to work, but I took a smarter pair of shoes with me in a bag to change into, once I arrived at work. At the station I picked up a free a fashion magazine to read on the train, feeling that it would be in keeping with my new identity, and make me feel less self-conscious if I didn’t have to make eye contact with the other passengers. Nobody appeared to take much notice of me, apart from the occasional admiring look from young men, but I was gradually getting used to that. I used a pay-as-you-go Oyster card for the first week as it did not have to be registered in any one name, but if I was going to do this long term then it would be cheaper for me to register a monthly or quarterly travelcard on the Oyster, but in that case only Clare would be permitted to travel.

I arrived at the office ten minutes early and so had time to change my footwear and carefully check on my appearance in the mirror in the toilet before my three colleagues arrived.

‘Good morning Clare. You look very smart again this morning,’ said Karen as she came in.

‘Thanks, and it’s nice to be back at work,’ I responded, smiling.

I’d decided to act as if it were the most normal thing in the world for me to be dressed as I was, and only respond if they asked me specific questions about my dress.

‘So how long are you planning to stay with us as Clare?’

‘I’m not sure really, it may be a week or two if that’s alright. It rather depends on how long it takes me to receive the payment from my insurance so that I can buy Tom some new clothes and find him somewhere to live.’

‘As far as I’m concerned you’re welcome to come into work dressed as Clare for as long as you like. However, we’ll have to agree among ourselves what you shall do or say when anyone from head office telephones or comes to visit.’

‘I suppose on the telephone I’ll just have to pretend to be Tom if anyone needs to talk to me specifically, but that doesn’t happen very often. However, it might be difficult if anyone comes to visit. When is that next likely to happen?’

‘I was expecting a visitation from the district manager in about a fortnight’s time, but I’ll know more after a meeting at Head Office on Thursday of this week. Maybe if you’re still dressing as Clare when they plan a visit you could take another day’s leave.’

‘Of course, I’ll do whatever is necessary, I don’t want to get you in any trouble,’ I answered.

---

Debbie and Helen both arrived soon afterwards and they likewise congratulated me on my appearance. After a brief initial conversation about the fire at my former flat, we all settled down to dealing with the backlog of work that had come in whilst the office had been closed for the holidays. As I’d been away for three weeks there was a lot for me to do and I was determined to show them that Clare was just as good a worker as I’d previously been. In fact I kept my head down all morning, and it was not until lunchtime, when our older colleagues had left the office before I had a chance to have a chat to Debbie.

‘Well Clare, has he rung you yet?’

‘Has who rung me?’

‘Andy of course, how many other men are there fancying you?’ she asked.

I smiled at the thought.

‘I thought you said it would be a couple of days to give him time to think.’

‘That’s what he said to me, but I suspect that he didn’t really mean it.’

‘Yes he rang me yesterday evening and we chatted for a while.’

‘So how did it go?’

‘I think we’re both still a little confused about things and our feelings, but we’ve agreed to meet on Thursday evening for a chat.’

‘Is that all?’

‘Maybe we’ll also have a drink together, just to get to know one another a little better and decide whether we want to take things any further.’

‘So is it a date or not?’

‘No, it’s not a date, just preliminary discussions which may, or may not, lead to a date at a later date,’ I said smiling.

‘Well good luck with your preliminary discussions, but don’t let them go on for too long. He may be a little shy but he isn’t bad looking and has a good job in the city. You could do a lot worse for yourself.’

‘We’ll see,’ I replied and then changed the subject of our conversation.

---

By the evening I was feeling pleased with myself. My first day back at work had gone pretty well for everyone at the office, and all four of us had worked hard to catch up with the backlog. Nobody who visited the office had questioned my gender, and the single occasion when I needed to speak to a colleague elsewhere in the company I simply reverted to Tom’s persona, and at the same time tried to add a little extra depth to my voice to sound more masculine. The strain of having got up early, worked hard and having to be careful in my demeanour at work had an effect, and I felt tired by the time I returned home. Suzanne had also had a good day and had prepared us both a nice meal and so we chatted together and I told her all about my first day at work.

---

The Wednesday morning followed much the same pattern as the previous day both at home and at work. Once again I was up fairly early to help Suzanne get out of bed, and then got myself ready. I turned up to work on time looking as well-groomed as before, and again experienced no problems in being accepted in my new gender by those I came across at work. In fact, I found that I enjoyed my work more in my new role, and that visitors to the office were more friendly and talkative to me as Clare than they had previously been to Tom. Where possible I avoided calling colleagues elsewhere in the company, preferring to use Tom’s email, but on those few occasions when it couldn’t be avoided, I used the same tactics as I’d done on Tuesday.

When I got home again on Wednesday I discovered that, as promised, Suzanne had spent part of her day deciding what I should wear the following evening.

‘I have this light grey wool dress, which would look good on you, with a blue neck and hem. It also has a jacket to go with it, and should look alright with your black shoes and handbag.

‘I’m sure it would look lovely on me, Suzanne, but I feel so guilty about constantly borrowing your clothes,’ I replied.

She sighed impatiently.

‘Clare, I thought we’d been through all this before; I’m pleased that my nice clothes will be used again. I wouldn’t suggest anything that I didn’t want you to wear or I didn’t think would suit you. So please, just do me a favour and at least try them on.’

I couldn’t very well argue after she’d gone to so much trouble on my behalf.

‘Alright, I suppose and I’m broke at present.’

Of course the clothes she’d suggested looked and felt great on me, as I knew they would. Suzanne had such good taste, and I would always follow her advice on matters relating to my appearance. So that was the end of that problem. I was more concerned about how I would react when I actually came to meet Andy.