CHAPTER 47 -- The Ecstasy and the Agony

One of the bands I liked -- Black Rose -- was going to play at the arena at the University in town, so Eric got hold of tickets for Saturday night. I insisted on paying for mine, since the tickets were expensive and I knew money was tight at his place, and he gave in. So that night, Eric picked me up in his truck and promised to have me home by midnight.

The warm-up band was pretty good, even though we'd never heard of them. I think they called themselves the Hot Potatoes or something. They played a lot of songs that were easy to sing along to even though we'd never heard them before and there was a lot of call and response and clapping and stomping on cue. So we were all really worked up when Black Rose came out.

They were awful. I mean, the songs were good, but they did a lousy job of playing them. I think they were drunk or high or something. The drummer and the guitarist couldn't keep in sync. The lead singer kept losing track of the words. At one point, he wandered so close to the edge of the stage, he would have fallen off if people in the mosh pit hadn't pushed him back. One of the roadies came up and led him back to the middle of the stage and then sat on a speaker on stage keeping an eye on him.

After about twenty minutes of this, Eric and I just looked at each other and started working our way to the exit. I could see that other people had the same idea. By the time we got to the truck and headed for the parking lot exit, there was starting to be a line.

We had something like three hours before I had to be home, so we went over to Eric's place. His mother was out for the evening, so we had the place to ourselves. I'd been going back and forth about whether I was ready to go all the way with Eric and finally decided I'd do it. I left my coat and purse in the living room and we both went to his mother's room -- with its big bed -- to make out. Bit by bit, he took off his shirt and I took off my blouse and camisole and bra. Finally, I said, "it would be okay with me if we got naked." I'd imagined something really romantic, but it ended up with him sitting on one side of the bed taking his pants and socks off and me on the other taking off my skirt, tights, slip, and underwear. We got under the sheets and started exploring each others' bodies.

"I gotta know," said Eric. "Are we going to, you know, do it tonight? I mean, I'm cool with it if you don't want to, but I'd like to know one way or another."

I was starting to have a sort of out-of-body experience, but I managed to say, "yes, I'd like to. But let's take it slow and gentle. And -- do you have a condom?" I felt kind of stupid. I'd been thinking of making love, I could have perfectly well gotten one myself.

He looked sort of sheepish. "I've had a pack for a while."

We went back to feeling each other up. He felt up my breasts and ran his hand down my crotch. I felt up his chest and his butt. When I got to his penis, it was hard. He started to push it into my crotch.

"Please, take it a little slower." He went back to fondling me, but I could tell he was more interested in putting it in. I wanted it too, why couldn't he just be patient and wait for me to be ready? I could sort of feel my vagina clench up.

"Can you just gently stroke me? I need to relax down there." He tried, but I had to use my hand to show him and say "gentler, please" a few times. Once he had the hang of it, I stopped paying so much attention to him and started paying attention to how it felt. At one point, he got up and got a condom and went back to stroking me. Then he stopped to put it on. He tried to put his penis in, but I had to say, not yet. He seemed a little frustrated, but once he started fondling and stroking me I forgot about it. Finally, somehow I was ready and he got it in. And it felt good, almost as good as with Dennis. Feeling his body on me, his arms around me, hearing him moaning, it all felt good, and that was all I could think about, how good it was.

After I came, and I guess he came, too but I wasn't really paying attention, I just felt this glow. I couldn't help thinking how this would never have happened if that mix-up at the hospital hadn't happened. I couldn't help just blurting out how I felt.

"This was so nice. It's times like this when I'm glad I'm a girl. I'd never have had anything like this if I'd stayed a boy." It shows how high I was that I didn't think anything of saying it, even after I said it.

"What? What was that?" Eric asked. He sounded mostly puzzled. I suddenly got nervous about what I had said.

"What was what?"

"What you were saying. Something about staying a boy."

"I was just babbling."

"That's some weird babbling. Like, I don't know, you used to, what, pretend to be a boy?"

"It didn't mean anything, I just get these weird ideas," I protested.

"You're a lousy liar." It's true, I can't lie to save my life.

"What if I told you that I used to be a boy, but through some sort of medical mixup, I got turned from a boy into a girl?"

"I'd say that you were bullshitting me. Or maybe needed to see a shrink." He didn't say anything for a while. "Okay, I'll bite. Tell me your delusion. I want to hear it." He tried to make it sound like he was acting like it was a joke, but he sounded pretty tense.

"What if I said there was this gene-therapy lab at the university hospital and one of the things they were working on was something for guys that want to be, you know, women?"

"Go on." It sounded like an order.

"And I was in for a concussion, and they were going to give me this gene therapy thing to fix the concussion, only they got me mixed up with one of those--" I couldn't continue.

"You're -- you're not joking, are you?" His voice sounded kind of hollow. He suddenly sat up, pushed my legs apart, and stuck his head down by my crotch. "Oh, what's the use, I wouldn't know what to look for," he muttered. He stared at me from where he was sitting between my legs. "You're not making it up?"

I wanted to say, yeah, I made it up, but he'd already said I was a lousy liar. "I thought everyone knew." A lie. I knew he'd never heard about this. "I was even shown on television."

"Oh, yeah, I think I remember seeing something like that. Was that the news story where this boy was standing in front of the hospital and they were saying they'd given him this weird sex-change treatment?" He was sounding pretty upset. "That was you?" I hoped he would give up, but he didn't. I finally squeeked a tiny "yeah?" and gave him a don't-hit-me smile.

"You're really a guy!?" He started looking horrified. "The 'girl' I just fucked is really a guy!?" He started out slow and kind of dead, but was almost screaming when he finished. "A -- a she-male." He started backing away from me off the bed.

"Eric, please!" I pleaded.

"You mean all this time I've been going out with a guy? You pretended you were a girl to get me to fall for you? You made me think I was kissing a girl and making out with a girl and -- and fucking a girl, and all this time you were really a guy?"

"Eric, no!" I was crying, but he wasn't listening.

"You think I'm some kind of fag? You think I want to fuck guys? You think I want to kiss and hug and make out with guys?" He was screaming, "get away from me! Jesus, what have you done to me?" I rolled away from him, but kept looking at him over my shoulder in case he tried to do something to me.

I was afraid he'd kill me, but he went into the bathroom, still saying, "I've been fucking a guy. Oh, God!" I heard the water running. Next Day of Remembrance, they'll be saying my name, I thought.

I tried to get my clothes on as fast as I could. I wanted to be ready to run. But it was hard. First, I got my underpants on backwards and had to take them off and put them on again. When I tried to put my bra on, I couldn't feel the hooks, so it took forever. I gave up after I got two hooks on (I think.) I started to put my tights on, but realized they were inside out. My toe caught somewhere when I was putting the second leg on and I had to pull it off and redo it. How long do I have before he comes out and kills me? Camisole. Blouse -- half the buttons, and not the cuffs. Fumbling for the hook on the back of the skirt. Dragging the slip on under it. I could hear Eric taking a shower and still moaning, "oh, God! Oh God." I located my shoes and shoved my feet into them, then ran for the living room to collect my coat and purse. I tried to be quiet going out the door so maybe he wouldn't follow me right away. Down the front steps, onto the sidewalk, and into the darkness.