Coming Home

Sydney Moya

(c) 2015

Synopsis

A man left his home town years ago as a teenager. Now he returns but is very different from the person who left years ago.

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Part One-Passing out

I remember the day she came back home. It was the middle of summer, a hot and humid day, typical of the Indian summer’s in our corner of the world, the type of day where one wanted to laze around the pool and do nothing. This is exactly what I was doing when she arrived. I am certain I wouldn’t have remembered that day if she hadn’t come back.

“Hello,” the auburn haired woman had announced when she pitched up on the doorstep.

She was pushing a carrier with a toddler inside.

“Hello, how can I help you?” Dad replied when he opened the door.

Mum had joined him at the door and squinted at her. This girl looked very familiar.

“Do we know you?” Mum had added.

The girl had blushed a bit, bless her.

“Hi Mom. Hi Dad. It’s me. Des,” the woman had announced.

I wish I’d seen the looks on my parent’s faces when they heard this. My sister tells me they stared at her and that Dad’s mouth fell open and Mum’s gasp was audible three counties from here.

“No, Desmond?” Mum screeched.

My sister nodded, her eyes glistening.

“Oh my goodness,” our mother cried.

“What the hell!” Dad exclaimed.

The baby chose that moment to awaken and start crying which despite the tension in the air automatically led to her mother picking her up and clutching her to her chest. She cooed and tried to cajole her but my niece was having none of it. Her mother opened her shirt and bra and gave her access to her breast. My niece quieted down immediately as she fed. Coincidentally I’d had enough of the pool and had decided to go and see what the mall had to offer. I came upon this tableau, a young woman breastfeeding her tot while my parents looked at her open mouthed with expressions I’d never seen on their faces before. I did not recognize my sibling and wondered what had gotten my parents goat.

Mum looked close to tears and the young woman had tears flowing down her face. When she saw me she quickly turned away, grabbed the stroller and started moving to her car which was a new Volvo SUV.

I looked askance at my parents but they only had eyes for the woman who was leaving the scene.

Before I could ask them what was going on, I heard Mum call out to her.

“Don’t go Desmond, please come back sweetie,” she gently called.

You could have knocked me over with a feather. I may not be the sharpest tool in the box, but why was my mother calling that young woman by my brother’s name? A brother we had not heard from in yonks I might add.

Why did the young woman freeze at Mum’s words? Why did Mum run to her and hug the girl and her baby?

‘No way, was that woman Des?’ I thought.

That was the last thought I remembered before fainting dead away.

When I came to, I was on the sofa.

“Are you okay?” Mum asked.

I blinked rapidly, “What happened?” I wondered.

I saw my parents glance at each other before looking across the room, it was then I realized there were two other people in the room, a young woman and a toddler the sight of them jumpstarted my memory.

“Des,” I started, nervous for some reason.

“Hi Mags,” she murmured, using my childhood nickname.

I knew then that she was Des, my long lost brother and best friend as a child. Her voice was a throaty alto quite different from the one I'd last heard but she spoke in the same tone he used to. You can identify a loved one by their tone and I had no doubt this was Des. I stood up and went over to her. I noticed her flinch but I threw my arms around her. We were both soon in tears. I couldn’t believe he’d done it and had decided to come home.

“I’ve missed you so much,” I murmured.

“Me too, I’m sorry about that,” she answered as she we held each other.

I pulled away from her, “You look great,” I told her.

I marvelled at the woman across from me, she definitely looked like a sister I might have had, it was so hard to believe that she used to be my brother. The one I had grown up playing tag, hide and seek with, whom I’d played football with in our back yard and trusted with my secrets. Still her sky blue eyes had the same twinkle that Des’s had and even though the face had changed drastically the same expression of quiet confidence still reigned on it. And what a face it was. There was no sign of the facial hair that had been sprouting all over her face when I last saw her. She had smooth skin, high cheekbones and a small jaw with a soft almost pointy chin, large eyes and pert nose that sat well on her new face, she had long auburn hair framing it which she wore like Donna from the TV series Suits. I scanned her, she had a slender body and killer curves. She definitely had the family bust, I put her at 38C and her tiny waist couldn’t be hidden by the checked men’s shirt she wore.

She looked beautiful. I glanced at the sleeping baby in the carrier.

“Who is the baby?”

“This is my daughter, Bonnie,” she said.

I heard that hint of pride all parents have when telling someone about their offspring.

“Wow,” I said, looking at the picturesque little girl. She had curly blonde hair and looked amazing. I instantly fell in love with her.

“May I?”

“Sure,” said my sister before picking her up and passing her to me.

I held the little girl in my arms and my heart sang with joy.

All this happened while my parents stared at her in shock. It was a lot to take in. Des was now a woman and they were grandparents. My parents hadn’t seen their only son in ten years and today he’d pitched up with a baby and was a woman to boot. Des had sent enough morsels to us like postcards, holiday cards as well as money on our birthdays to keep us from reporting him missing. Mum and Dad didn’t say but you could tell they were hurt their child wanted nothing to do with them. He had stopped calling seven years ago.

I remember when the Facebook craze started in 2007. I’d joined hoping I’d track him down and get in touch. No such luck, now I knew why.

I couldn’t blame them for their incredulity.

I could get it, after all I’d fainted.

Dad took matters in hand, “I think you owe us an explanation.”

My sibling nodded and began her story.

“I always felt I was a girl, it was my biggest wish from as early as I can remember,” began Des, “I left so I could become a woman,” she began.

Mum and Dad were at a loss for words. I squeezed her hand in support. This made so much sense, Des had changed as a teen, withdrawing into himself and becoming a shadow of the happy child he’d been. There was a five-year age difference between us but we’d been really close as kids, I’d idolized him and wanted to be just like him as a child but as I grew older I sensed something was eating away at him. I sometimes asked if anything was wrong and he’d smile at me as usual and say he was fine but that cheerful kid with the spontaneous laughter had vanished as he entered his mid-teens. I'd been six when he'd told me that he wished he could be a girl. Being a child I hadn’t really taken it to heart after all who didn’t sometimes wonder what being the opposite sex would be like. I’d had no idea he’d been wrestling with such a huge secret though when he left.

“Why,” said Mum sounding close to tears.

“I dunno Mum. The doctors say my brain is just wired that way, its female and having a male body just didn’t add up. As I grew older, I became more depressed. I couldn’t talk to anyone and I felt trapped. I frequently thought about committing suicide because I felt my body was so wrong. I didn’t like the person I was growing into. I didn’t want to be a man. I cried myself to sleep a lot of times,” she murmured, “by the time I graduated I knew I didn’t have a future as a man and that I had to get a sex change. So I left town because I couldn’t do it here and I needed to find the money,” she explained.

“When I reached California I changed my name to Belinda and began transitioning. I saw a therapist and I got a diagnosis of gender dysphoria. Soon after that I was on hormones and electrolysis. It was hard at first as I couldn’t keep a steady job but I lucked out and made friends with a couple of guys who were into software programming. I got a job just helping them around their office, running errands, making coffee. After a while I learnt to write code, and wrote some of it for a programme we were developing. When the software launched they sold the business for a lot of money and as I had a 1% share in the business I made a fortune. I used this to pay for surgery to feminize my face as well as to make my body right,” she finished.

“You’re a woman now?” Mum wondered.

Belinda nodded, “I had the surgery seven years ago,” she explained.

Dad winced visibly, “How could you do that to yourself?” he blurted.

“Because I needed to, I never liked being male. I hated it from a young age and it grew worse with time until I hated seeing myself naked,” Belinda replied.

“What went wrong,” said Dad shaking his head, “I took you to Little League and you played basketball at school.”

He looked so lost.

Mum squeezed his hand.

Belinda closed her eyes,

“Nothing went wrong, I just wasn’t meant to be a man and it wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do that made me like this, it’s like being born with an extra finger. I just had to be female for me to be happy and now I am. I wish I could have been as normal as you guys are but that’s the hand I got and I had to do what I could. If I could have lived as a guy then there is no one I’d rather be like than you Dad,” my sister added.

Tears fell from her eyes as she finished. I placed my arm around her.

Mum took her turn, “You had surgery seven years ago? Did you ever think of letting us know or tell us you were living as a woman? I haven’t seen you in ten years and you show up at our doorstep with a baby and looking like a woman. All we got were postcards and cheque’s every few months.”

She shook her head, her voice rising in intensity, “Do you have any idea what we’re going through, what we went through? I’m your mother and you couldn’t even tell us the truth of what was going on in your life and now out of the blue comes this. All this time I thought we’d hurt you in some way for you not to want to see us,” she finished.

Belinda looked down ashamed, “I’m sorry I've been away for so long. I guess I was afraid how you would react when I told you,”

“Ten years,” said Dad, “were you ashamed of what you’d done?”

Belinda looked up and shook her head, “No, I’m ashamed I hid from you for so long but I’m not ashamed of being a woman,”

“Are you staying long?” Mum asked.

“If you’ll have me,” Belinda answered.

“Of course this will always be your home no matter how you look or what you think,” Dad murmured.

“You’re our so-child and you’ve always been welcome here,” Mum added.

“Thank you,” said Belinda softly.

“Are you married?” Dad asked, looking at Bonnie.

“No, I’m single,” Belinda answered.

“Where is her mother?” Mum asked.

“I’m a single parent, I had a surrogate mother,” said Belinda.

Our parents looked at each other; I will admit I was just as dumbfounded. You read about these things but didn’t expect them in your family. The distaste was evident on their faces, the idea of designer babies offended small town conservative folk like them. Still she was their grandchild and they wanted to get to know her.

Belinda explained, “I’ve always wanted to have kids so I had my sperm saved before I transitioned. I managed to get a donation of eggs and found a surrogate.

She blushed as she said this but in spite of her embarrassment she soldiered on, " Bonnie is everything to me. She is the reason I found the courage to come back, I couldn’t deprive her of family,” she murmured.

Mum’s heart melted, she came over and looked at the baby. She looked at Belinda and my sister nodded. I passed her the sleeping baby.

“She’s beautiful,” Mum whispered, “Tom, come and see our granddaughter.”

Dad came over and I saw his face light up when he took her into his arms. My family was reeling from the truth but I’m sure Bonnie healed a lot of the wounds opened that day.

Minutes later I was by the car with Dad bringing in Belinda and Bonnie 's things into the house.

I went with Belinda to her room while Mum and Dad stayed downstairs with the baby.

"Wow it hasn't changed a bit," she murmured upon entering it.

All the posters were exactly as she'd left them.

"Mum cleans it once a week," I told her as we deposited her bags on the bed.

She sat on the bed.

"Man this brings back memories," she said slowly, " I don't remember it being so small," she added.

I raised an eyebrow.

"You're the one that changed," I pointed out.

"Yeah," she murmured.

She patted the bed, "Sit down please," she said.

I sat down next to her.

"How are you sis?"

"I'm guess I'm shocked," I said honestly, " you're so different it's hard to believe you're Des," I began, "you've been gone for so long. I wondered if we meant so little to you that you couldn't even call."

"I'm so sorry about that. I am a coward and I was terrified you would hate me,"she explained, "I wanted to tell you to see you but I just didn't have the guts to tell you about me," she murmured.

I could see she was just as pained as I was.

"I hope you can find in you to forgive me," she added.

"I wish I could say I do but I'm so mad at you for not trusting me like I trusted you, for shutting yourself away from me, for not making me a part of what you were going through, for missing all those important moments in my life. I want to hate you for that. I'm so mad with myself for not doing anything about finding you. I missed my brother," I told her tears coursing down my cheeks.

She picked up my hands and squeezed them.

"I'm sorry," she repeated, "I know I can't make it up to you but maybe we can start afresh,"

"How long are you going to be here?"

"A month."

She picked up a case, opened it and began removing her clothes. She stood and opened the closet finding it empty.

"Mum gave away most of your clothes years back," I explained, "she figured you'd have outgrown them."

Belinda grinned at the irony, "Imagine that."

I couldn't smile back as I didn't find it funny. I was still stewing from earlier and didn't know what to say or how to relate to her.

I watched as she emptied her luggage onto the bed. It was so strange watching her remove all the clothes she’d brought, some of them were Bonnie’s but what got me were her things, the lace undies, dresses and skirts. It all looked quite feminine and well made too and I was sort of taken aback that these women’s clothes belonged to Des. It was so weird. She saw me looking and smiled. She picked up a short summer dress and held it up. It looked amazing and probably cost a lot too. The tags were still on it but I couldn’t read them.

“This is for you. I had to guess your size,”

She reached into her case and pulled out a pair of new heels. They were Jimmy Choo Anouk’s unless I was mistaken, “They go with these,” she added.

“Um wow, thanks,” I said, stunned, “you didn’t have to,” I muttered.

“Yes I did Mags. I know it won’t make up for not being there but it’s a start,” Belinda said, tearing up again.

I could see she meant it.

I gave her a hug.

To be continued.