A New Style of Education

by Karen Page

Part 39

"Hey, why didn't you say you were nearly here?" asked Jessica, as we walked into our year room.

"We didn't want to disturb you," I said.

"And we didn't want a big show," added Helen. "Today hasn't been a nice day and we are both exhausted. We just popped in to say we were back before getting an early night."

"I hope you feel better in the morning," said Anna, before anybody could ask us what had upset us.

"Thanks," I said, trying to smile. I think that if anybody had asked what we'd seen, I would have burst into tears.

Once we got back in my room, I sent Stacy a small text. "We're home, and worn out. Can you see us now, instead of later?"

A few seconds later, Stacy responded letting us know she would be about five minutes.

We sat on my little settee, snuggled together while we waited for Stacy. I still felt really down about things and wasn't sure what to do. The long drive had given me a lot of time to think. I don't think I was suicidal, because I certainly didn't want to end up in a grave marked Jayne. The only other male on the beta team was Andy; maybe he could help. Grabbing my PDA, I quickly sent a message to Stacy asking if Brenda could also come.

"What are you thinking about?" Helen asked, as I sent the second message to Stacy.

"Er, well ... it's hard to explain," I said, worried what Helen would say.

"You think Brenda might be able to help?" Helen queried, peering at my PDA.

"I don't know, but she's been here longer than both of us. I'm just worried, confused and a little scared."

"I think I understand," Helen said slowly. "Look, I'm going to get more upset if you try to hide your worries from me. I think you are worried that I'm going to be upset by what you are thinking."

I blushed.

"You're so cute when you do that," smiled Helen.

"I don't want to be cute though," I sighed, pulling away angrily. I thought Helen understood.

"Sorry," murmured Helen, sounding hurt. "I didn't mean anything bad."

I didn't get a chance to respond, as there was a knock on the door. Since I was the closest, I went to answer.

"Wow, did we come at a bad time?" asked Stacy, as I ushered them in.

"Probably," I forced out between clenched teeth. I was still trying to get control by slowly counting to ten. I indicated that they should sit on the settee. I went and sat on the edge of the bed. Helen just hovered, not knowing what to do.

"I think you need to get your issues sorted before we chat," said Stacy. "You won't be able to concentrate on anything until then. And there is no way you should go to bed in that mood."

"Oh God, no way should you do that," said Brenda. "Stacy and I did that once and it then it just festered for days."

"Are you now Relate councillors?" Helen snapped, not happy that others were interfering in our squabble.

"Just trying to offer unwanted advice," shrugged Brenda. "So, I bet you also don't want to tell us what happened."

"Not really," said Helen. "I also don't want to get in an argument with you. I remember our last chat, Stacy."

"I think I went for a five mile run to get that out of my system," said Stacy. "I hate fights like that, so pointless."

"I just wish Andy was here," I mumbled, breaking the awkward silence.

Brenda and Stacy swapped surprised glances.

"I'm the same person," Brenda pointed out.

"That's not what I meant," I cried in frustration.

"What did you mean?" asked Helen, still not moving. She sounded more normal.

"What's up?" came Andy's voice. I gave a small jump, as it seemed very out of place to hear a distinctly male voice emanating from a girl. I don't think that Helen was expecting it either, as she looked quite disturbed.

"Andy," I started, closing my eyes so I only dealt with the voice I could hear, rather than the pretty young woman that was sitting in front of me. "Did you ever feel that you were under pressure to stay female?"

"I-" started Stacy and Helen at the same time.

"Why don't you two go next door?" interrupted Andy, before Stacy and Helen could continue. "David and I need to have a talk, man to man."

"But-"

"It's a man thing," Andy continued, not letting Stacy say anything. "Now shoo."

When the interconnecting door closed, Andy said, "Look David, why don't you lie down. This could take a while, and is likely to be hard for you."

"Hard?" I quivered, lying down. I grabbed a pillow and hugged it. I wished I was hugging Helen instead.

"Yes, because you have the wrong idea about a lot of things. The school doesn't change the person you are. I'm me and I always will be. You are you, and always will be. The school is here to help you learn through their unique educational methods. One of the many things that students learn here, what they don't learn in a standard school, is who they are. Many people don't discover things about themselves until they are adults, or even when they retire. Heck, life is a constant learning experience and we are only just beginning."

"Okay, but why is that going to be hard on me? I'm fine. However, you haven't answered my question."

"I've not finished. You are learning the scholastic things, but you aren't learning about yourself."

"I am," I protested.

"No, you're not," retorted Andy, in a calm and firm voice. "You are going through the motions. You're going through the lessons, but you're not learning from them. You are hearing, but not listening. You took the male lessons, but you instantly dismissed them. You didn't even try experimenting with what you learned, or altering it to find out what it means to be male. The same with being female, you accept that for part of the time you are female, especially for going on field trips, but then you don't try to learn how you feel about it."

"But I'm happy being as I was before I came to this school," I retorted.

"Really, were you actually living your life, or were you just existing?"

Just existing? I'd heard that before. I wracked by brain, trying to think where. It quickly came to me, my interview with Rachel, just before I was accepted at the school. I began to think back to before I joined the school.

"David? ... David?"

"Huh?" I said, the voice jarring me out of my thoughts.

"You start out shaking and crying slightly, but then you went quiet, and I was worried."

"I was remembering back to when I had my interview. I remember thinking how I'd just been surviving and not really living before coming here."

"Why was that?"

"Because I lived in my room. I had no interests, or hobbies, apart from computers; no friends, nothing really to live for. I would often get beat up, and only people like my brother would save me."

"Yet you didn't try to commit suicide then, so why did you here, where none of that is happening?"

"Because I saw even less future."

"Less?"

"I thought everyone wanted me to be a girl," I said, after a momentary pause.

"You still do though."

"Not really."

"Not really?" Andy asked. I took a peek and saw a surprised girl sitting on the couch. I quickly closed my eyes again. "Then why was your question at the beginning about pressure to stay female?"

Damn, why did Andy have such a good memory!

There was a sharp knock on the main bedroom door and before I could react, Dr Ruiz burst through the door.

"What's going on?" a breathless Rachel said, full of concern. "The remote monitoring of your vital statistics showed alarming values."

"David here wanted a little chat, man-to-man," said Brenda, still using Andy's voice.

Rachel's eyebrows shot into her fringe at the strange situation.

"Helen and Stacy are next door if you want to make sure they're okay," said Andy, making shooing motions towards Helen's room. "I'll let you know when we've finished our chat so any other raised levels after then can be appropriately acted upon."

"Okay," she replied suspiciously. "Just remember, I'm available if needed."

When Rachel had disappeared through the interconnecting door Andy continued, "Now, where were we ... oh yes, you were denying that you still thought that everyone wanted you to be a girl. David, I can't help you unless you want me to. Do you want my help?"

"No ... yes ... I don't know." I was becoming frustrated and in my usual way, my moist eyes started to turn into waterfalls.

"David, are you happy at presenting as a girl?"

"I can do it."

"But are you happy doing it. Does it feel right to you?"

"No," I sobbed.

"Okay, are you happy at presenting fully as a boy, where everyone thinks you are a boy?"

"No, not really, it feels wrong."

"Okay, then how about how you are normally. Presenting yourself as a boy, but people mistaking you as a girl?"

"No, that isn't right either," I replied, trying to calm down.

"Then why aren't you experimenting to find out what does make you happy?"

"Because I was born as I am. Isn't it wrong to change that?"

Andy gave a yell of frustration, which caused me to open my bleary eyes and look. All I saw was a man in women's clothes, pacing the room. There was certainly nothing feminine about the walk.

Eventually Andy must have calmed down, as he turned and said, "Do you then think what Stacy did was wrong?"

"No, not at all. I think she is very brave. I just can't see me changing my body."

"Has anybody asked you to?"

"To what?"

"To physically change your body?" Andy explained patiently. His calm attitude was driving me nuts.

"Well, no, but-"

Andy didn't let me finish, "Has anybody asked you to take medication to stop you from developing?"

"No, but-"

"Has anybody told you that you can't be anything you want?"

"No."

"Then why do you think that everyone wants you to be a girl?"

"Because I always end up as Jayne."

"Didn't Rachel try to talk you out of going on this trip as Jayne? Didn't Stacy tell you that you didn't have to?"

"I suppose."

"And wasn't it you who decided to go as Jayne? Only last night, weren't you given a get out?"

"It wouldn't have been right to take it. It wouldn't have been fair on the others."

"What others?"

"People who wanted to travel in a different gender than they are."

"Do you really think that there was anyone who didn't know and weren't in the appropriate gender when Mr Hobson made his announcement? It sounds to me like you're just using that as an excuse."

"I just want to be with Helen, okay," I reluctantly explained, turning red. I'd managed to stop crying, but still felt fragile.

"Now that sounds more like the truth. You can be back dressed in whatever manner you want after you're back from Russia. Now to answer your question, I know who I am inside; I'm Andy. When I'm dressed as Brenda, it is just that, clothes, with a bit of makeup and acting thrown in for good measure. Nobody at this school has ever asked me to physically change who I am."

"So just because I'm in the beta team —" My voice trailed off.

"Nobody is going to ask any more of you than any other student, well in your physical situation, anyway. It has been traditional that the beta team goes abroad as female, and if we are needed while abroad, we can all dress in male clothes, adding a good disguise. Stacy saw how much this was causing you trouble, so she changed things to give you the option."

"And you are staying male?" I again asked.

"Too damn right I am," Andy said with much feeling. "I like my male bits, and I think Stacy does too."

"You've had sex?" I asked, my eyes now wide open in surprise.

"Ooh, you're getting kinda nosey now. But to answer your question, no, it is far too early for Stacy."

"But, isn't it against the rules."

"Sure, but didn't Stacy once tell you that it was one of the rules that no student ever manages to keep?"

"But don't they all get punished?"

"Only if they are caught, and most students aren't naive enough to go round with a silly grin on their face."

I blushed. Yes, Helen and I did have silly grins.

"We didn't actually have proper sex," I protested.

"Wow, you missed out there, or so I hear. Until Stacy had her op, we just had to improvise."

"Improvise?" I queried, my mind going into overdrive. "Never mind, I don't think I want to know. Anyway, when I tried, I nearly puked."

"Too much excitement?"

"I'd never thought of that, but I doubt it. Every time I get aroused, I feel ill."

"Bummer. That must really suck. Have you talked to Rachel about it?"

"We started to discuss it, but Helen and I were really tired and we both fell asleep on Rachel's settee."

Andy burst out into howls of laughter. I'm glad our rooms are soundproofed, or Andy would have woken up half the school. Unfortunately, the rooms connecting study partners aren't soundproofed, so Helen and Stacy heard and came charging though the door.

Andy had just started to gain some self-control, but when he saw Helen he started howling again.

"Are you finished?" asked Helen.

"Not quite," guffawed Andy. "I couldn't imagine what Rachel would have said about that."

"About what?" Stacy enquired.

"About falling asleep in Rachel's office."

The laughter must have been contagious, as Stacy started tittering away. Helens spluttering didn't help. I suppose looking back it was funny. I wonder what my vital statistics were telling Rachel, as I joined in with the merriment.

Stacy and Helen disappeared back to Helen's room, and Andy became much more serious.

"You can't live your life like you are doing, or you will go nuts."

"I think I'm already nuts to talk to you about this. So, what do you suggest?"

"You need to experiment a bit, to find out what makes you happy in life."

"I've tried the most obvious three things and I don't think Sam's solution is down my street either."

"Sam's solution?"

"Never mind. Sam will tell the rest of the school when ready. Heck, Sam only just told the rest of us last week."

"Oh, not the androgynous thing then?"

Damn, I'll have to do better than that. I can do better than that.

"Look, why don't you come and see me tomorrow?" Andy suggested. "I think I can kick off some major experimenting."

"Tomorrow's our years trip out to Cadbury World."

"Ah, what I have planned might not be a good idea if you are going out. Well, let's get together the day after and we can see what I can do to help you."

"Thanks, I think," I said, slightly nervous about what Andy had up his sleeve.

"Do you mind if I switch back to Brenda's voice?" Andy asked.

"Oh sure, thanks for being so understanding."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"I think so. I don't plan to do anything silly."

"That's what everyone says when they plan to do something silly," said Brenda gravely. The she called loudly, "Honey, we're finished."

"I'm sorry I snapped earlier," I said to Helen, as she came through the door.

"I'm sorry I called you cute," she responded.

"Oh, but Jayne, you are cute," teased Brenda, her eyes twinkling.

"Sorry about taking up so much of your time," I apologised.

"I'm just glad you are asking for help when you need it," said Stacy. "You've already given guidance to some in your year, though you do have a pretty sensible bunch. You need to do the same for others."

"I'm learning," I said, then changing the subject. "Now, did you have an update on the phone call?"

"Yes," said Stacy, a change coming over her as she became more businesslike. "You were right, the phone call was recorded and we were easily able to retrieve the message. It was analysed and it wasn't the voice of anybody at the school."

"Oh," said Helen, sounding disappointed.

"Stacy has more though," I said, looking at Stacy.

"Yes, the person might not work at the school, but the voice is known. His name is Louis Jumelet, and works for someone only known as The Supplier. If it is The Supplier that is behind this, then the theory is that he is protecting whatever deal he has arranged."

"It doesn't help us find the leak though," said Helen.

"No, it doesn't, but now we know a little more than we did. We do know that The Supplier likes to work behind the scenes, and get others to do his dirty work. For him and his team to be involved so closely, must mean that he is very nervous."

"Are we in danger?" I asked.

"We being the Beta team, or the students?"

"I was thinking of the students."

"When you told me earlier what had happened, I spoke with Mr Hobson about this. If there was any danger to students, we wouldn't be going to Russia."

"But isn't the trip very important?" Helen queried.

"Yes, but Mr Hobson would never put people in danger. Heck, I really don't think he likes the beta team concept."

I inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. I would hate anybody to get hurt, especially Helen.

"Does anybody else know about today?"

"Just Kriss and the person she got to do the search. We reported the results to Mr Moore, but that is it."

"Not even Mr Hobson?"

"No, Mr Moore can do that. I don't like going behind Mr Hobson's back, but today there were so few people that knew where you were going."

"What about Rachel?" Helen asked.

"She only made one call today and that was at the time you saw her on the phone. She called someone here, rather than someone external."

"Could the person have rung someone else?" I said, sounding rather paranoid. "Anyway, who was it? You sound like you're hiding something."

Stacy grimaced and reluctantly said, "She rang Julia. Matilda was with her at that time, and confirmed to Kriss what the call was about."

"Oh," I said, looking down at my lap.

"Indeed," said Stacy, gravely. "Please let me know how things go between you and Julia over the next few days."

"Talking of Matilda, I have a question," I said, trying to get off the thoughts of how I'd disappointed Julia. "It seems June not only gave me early lessons, but did the same for Matilda. RJ, Julia's opposite number at The Manor, seemed to think it wouldn't be a bad idea for Matilda to meet June. Do you think it is and what do you think Mr Hobson and Mr Moore would say?"

"Have a quick word with Kriss in the morning, but I think it would be a good idea. If Kriss agrees, then you need to approach Mr Hobson and Mr Moore. Even though Matilda isn't part of the Beta team yet, she already knows about what's going on at the Manor. "

"She also knows who the Beta team is here," I interrupted. "She didn't say it in so many words, but she discreetly let me know she knew. Yet she also knows how to keep quiet."

"God, that girl will be the death of me," moaned Stacy.

I had to laugh. It seemed the others did too, as we all giggled.

"Anything else?" asked Brenda.

"Can I go to bed now?" I asked.

"Sorry, Stacy is already taken," responded Brenda.

I looked shocked, until Brenda gave me a wink, and Stacy gave Brenda what looked like a firm punch in the arm.

"I'll let Rachel know we are leaving," said Brenda, as they got up to leave.

"It seems strange, but I'm sort of glad I'm being monitored," I said, as Helen and I snuggled down in bed. "It feels nice that the school cares that much."

* * *

"Ah Jayne, come on in," said Mr Hobson, indicating I should sit on the settee. Mr Moore was already sitting on one of the seats. "You said you wanted to see us both about something?"

"Yes, but before I get to that, I'm sorry that I caused you both hassles the other night."

"I'm just glad you're alive," said Mr Hobson. "I'd rather deal with a suicidal student than a dead student."

"I would rather nobody got suicidal," said Mr Moore, "but I was always a dreamer."

"So how are you feeling now, and I don't mean embarrassed and wishing you weren't in here?" queried Mr Hobson, genuinely wanting to know how I felt.

"Yesterday was hard, but I think I learnt a lot from it. And yes, I thought about just sending you both a message, but I thought it was more polite to see you."

"It is certainly more personal," agreed Mr Hobson. "So, what did you want to see us about?"

"It concerns Matilda," I started. Both the heads sat up straight and looked at me earnestly. "Are you both aware that she had extra lessons like I did, before starting school?"

"I'd read about it when I joined the school," said Mr Moore. "Seems RJ was rather surprised about it when he found out."

"Yes, sorry about that. I'm not sure how RJ got missed there," apologised Mr Hobson.

Mr Moore just waved it away. Those two seemed to get on rather well. "Well, it seems that the person who taught her was the same person that taught me. I met her the other month and I think it might help Matilda if she was to meet her 'teacher'."

"Help in what way?" asked Mr Moore.

"Matilda still has issues with her height and June isn't that tall. It would also help Matilda learn more than she does, in a controlled way, rather than her discovering things by chance. It helped me understand some little mysteries of my past."

"Her frustration about her lack of height is something we haven't been able to do anything about. It has been very frustrating for Ellen and a challenge for Dr Harris" Mr Moore pondered. "Quentin, June was your student, are you okay with the two of them getting together?"

"Was, is the operative word. I don't have any problems with it. At the end of the day June has to agree. Knowing June, she'll probably agree and come up with some totally outrageous plan. I'll contact June while you are on your trip. I'm sure you'll get to chat with her later."