The Woman I am
By Julie D Cole

The story behind the poem The Girl Inside

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I stood in front of the large full length mirror that my wife had often used to check herself out as she dressed for special occasions. The reflection gave me gave me quite a fright since I hadn’t taken much interest in myself for quite a while as my wife and I had seemed to disagree about most things and argued a lot.

I realized that life was passing by too quickly and that I was getting old. I was an aging man and I didn’t like it at all. The image in front of me was not a pretty sight and it was the first time I’d looked at myself completely naked for a long time and I really needed to sort myself out.

My hair was unkempt and limp with no sheen or body and my face looked drawn with no colour. I had lost a lot of weight. I looked thin and yet my chest was still quite flabby. I was relieved to see that I’d retained some strength and shape in my legs even if they weren’t muscular. My arms were still as thin as ever and my shoulders quite narrow and not very masculine at all. I stood on my toes and turned around. My butt was still quite rounded and my legs were long in comparison to my body. I wasn’t tall but I always had to buy 28” waist trousers with long leg that are often difficult to find.

I didn’t like to see so much body hair, especially around my lower stomach and genitals and I felt I should trim in back. My member, such as it is these days, hardly protruded from the bush.

I must have stood there for a good ten minutes trying to decide what to do with myself because I couldn’t carry on like this. I normally had a pony tail and with my hair loose I looked like some aging rock star or a lecturer who focused more on his subject matter than his appearance. In truth I had been as slim as my wife and she resented the fact that she’d had to diet a lot whilst I never had a problem whatever I ate.

I reflected on these past three years and the lack of intimacy between us since my wife had started an affair with a former boyfriend. She had become oblivious to my feelings and I’d moved to the guest bedroom. Some nights I’d wanted to end it all especially if my wife didn’t return until the early hours. I’d been very popular as a youth and our marriage had been good for a while until I lost my sex drive.

Then in the mirror I saw a photo on the wall that my wife had placed there to irritate me and she wanted to ridicule me saying I wasn’t a real man and this proved it. She used it as her justification for her affair and whilst she expected me to retaliate all this had done was to make me fall into long periods of regret and depression.

Yes it showed that I had looked beautiful that night. This was a young woman in her prime of life, slim and expertly made up and as I found out that evening I received many complements and admiring glances and I’d loved every moment. It was a photo taken more than twenty years ago, Mmm was that really me?

Yes for sure the night of the photo had been for certain the happiest of my life. I looked so elegant and I had attended the college summer ball encouraged by my friends after a day of great fun and excitement when I was dared to shop as a girl and it went on from there.
My close friend Anna who I’d known since first grade at school invited me to spend the weekend with her and some friends came round unannounced.

She’d wanted me to go to the summer ball as her escort and I’d agreed so she’d bought me a ticket. The girls were also going but none had managed to find escorts so they’d decided to just drink and dance and have a good time searching for any available young studs.

Our Saturday then involved all things girly rather than Anna and I having a lazy morning in front of TV and a lunch in town. This meant I was dragged along to a last minute shopping trip so her friends good treat themselves. After the first round we stopped at Annas favorite coffee shop.

They were all laughing at me because I’d been mistaken for a girl whilst wondering through one of the shops. An assistant had asked if she could help me and said I could try on a dress that I’d been looking at and referred to me as Miss. I was very embarrassed but didn’t say anything.

They wouldn’t let up and they teased me and christened me Shirl the girl. Then Sarah, dared me to go to the next shop and pretend to be a woman and try on a dress. I refused but under pressure from all five of them and with feigned reluctance I accepted the challenge.

I borrowed her shoulder bag and they took me into the girls bathroom and applied a little bit of make-up. I did look quite feminine and I suppose by jeans and top were a bit unisex. They combed out my pony tail and gave me a centre parting. Everybody was giggling as we entered the first shop.

I didn’t have any problems and seemed to be accepted as one of the girls so Anna and Sarah started looking for things that might suit me and coaxed me to talk to an assistant saying I wanted a dress because I’d had a late invitation to the ball.

They said that if I went through with this dare then they would treat me to an expensive dinner in the restaurant of my choice. Anna in fact whispered to me that she might have something more exciting than that so as a young man who’d never spent a night with a woman how could I resist?

That was it I accepted the challenge and before I knew it they were looking for a dress that would be appropriate and Anna told me that she had a wig that I could borrow. They found me a bright fusia colored dress with no straps and it was tight at the waist flairing out at the skirt. They padded it at the top to create a bust and with my thin arms I guess I did look more girl than boy.

Anna picked up some shoes that were in the dressing rooms to allow customers to check out dresses and skirts if they’d arrived in trousers and sneakers like me. I was really surprised and all the girls came in to look.

That was it we’d found a dress so before long I was completely fitted out ready for the ball. They all said I was now more like Cinderella rather than shirl the Girl.

So the rest of the afternoon was focused on me now that I’d agreed to attend as one of the girls rather than as Annas escort. I don’t know if Anna was happy or sad because I just got caught up in everything. I was whisked into a salon and my hair wash washed and trimmed to create a more feminine style and then I tried on a variety of wigs. Everybody liked a wig that was long at the sides so the hair reached almost to my waist.

Next thing was a manicure and my nails were polished and painted. I was to go back to Annas apartment like this and I guess I must have liked the feeling because I just seemed to change.

The transformation was amazing. It was such fun and when we got back my body hair was removed. Not that I had much. They were all complementary and threatened to get me fixed up. I liked the feeling of a bust that was accentuated by my very slim waist. By now I had a bra and with padding using two water filled balloons it felt real.

As I looked at the photo I wished that time could have stood still. I so enjoyed to have the experience of presenting myself as a girl and receiving complements. I’d had such a wonderful night and realized that inside I was a woman and not a man.

Who knows what might have happened if I’d had the courage to carry on living as a woman. Was it a fear of ridicule if people knew that I’d been born a man or being disowned by my family and friends.

I took the picture down from the wall and looked at ‘her’ and there was no doubt I was more girl than boy and I knew in my heart that ever since that night I would have been happier to live my life as a girl.

Anna knew this the moment she saw me ready to leave for the ball.

So I decided I should try again and find the woman who was the girl that wore this lovely dress and turned mens heads. I’d go back home to see the place where I’d met a man who’d danced with me then took me to the balcony where he had surprised me by kissing and caressing me and I found myself unable to resist.

In the doorway Anna had watched nervously hoping that He didn’t get too fresh and willing me to hold my nerve. She was cursing herself for encouraging me and she never expected that Eddie Warner would be attracted to me. She fancied him yet he showed no attempt to dance with her or ask her out.

When Eddie came over to our group he singled me out to ask me to dance and took my drink and placed it on the table. I daren’t say no but really I was terrified as we walked to the dance floor and I stumbled due to my lack of experience in high heels.

He was quick to grab my arm so I didn’t fall and he put his arm around me. As he looked into my eyes I knew right there and then just how wonderful a woman can feel when protected by the strong arms of a man.

We spent the rest of the night together dancing and chatting and Anna and the others couldn’t prize us apart no matter how hard they tried. He bought me drinks but he obviously didn’t seem to know that this girl he’d just met was in fact at her first dance and had never intended to be there at all but was suddenly turned on by all the attention.

I was really enjoying myself and wondering how it was possible that he couldn’t tell. Was I really so feminine or did he know I was a man and had decided to play along? It was all a joke at first but right now the joke seemed to be on me. I was enjoying myself and he was funny and he made me feel like a woman. I didn’t want to stop but I knew I had to before it became dangerous.

Anna was never far away and she didn’t try to stop me. In fact she seemed to be encouraging me. I went out onto a balcony with him and fortunately a few other couples were there. He wanted to look at the stars and see if I could see the Milky Way. I didn’t have a clue so he pointed towards them.

It seemed to be a ruse so that he could put his arm around my waist and put his head next to mine. As I turned to say I could see it he just looked into my eyes and kissed my lips. I was taken aback so he quickly apologized. How could a man be kissing me? What was I doing. I looked over his shoulder to see Anna with her thumb up in the air.

I stood there and I suppose by not stepping back or saying anything he took this as a positive sign. He held my hands by my side and kissed me again.

This time I tried to stay calm and I responded a little bit. He had some beard growth so he was a little bit rough and I remember thinking to myself that women surely can’t enjoy rough men.

I tried to keep him at a distance as best I could but I did find myself responding. Something down below had also stirred and so I was petrified.

Luckily he was the perfect gentleman and he took me back inside to find the others. I was glad to see them and glad that our taxi was waiting. He kissed me goodnight as I settled into the backseat in between Anna and Sarah for safety and waved as we left.

They just cracked up all the way back to the apartment. I don’t know what the taxi driver must have thought and I kept telling them to shush.

They wouldn’t let me change when we got back and insisted on opening some wine for a girly chat. I guess I entered into the spirit of things because they were both encouraging me to meet him again and saying that I was definitely more woman than man and this evening had proved it to them.

I cleaned myself up and was preparing for bed when Anna knocked on the bathroom door and said she’d left something for me on my bed. It was a nightdress. A short one with matching knickers. I threw it onto the chair and climbed into bed. I couldn’t stop thinking about the evening and how much fun it had been and since I couldn’t get to sleep I got out of bed and tried on the nightdress. It felt so smooth and the knickers held me into position.
I snuggled under the bedclothes and that was it I was soon sound asleep.

So that was it I was hooked. Life was fun and we laughed a lot and went shopping regularly. I steadily built up my own wardrobe and kept it at Annas apartment where I’d change immediately on arrival. She treated me as one of her girlfriends even when we spoke on the telephone.

The more I dressed the more I liked it so most free days were spent like this and from time to time I thought about Eddie and wished I could see him again. I couldn’t forget the taste of his first kiss and something inside me wanted more. But I knew this was wrong and I couldn’t ever let him know that the girl he danced with was not a girl. I knew he might be hurt that I hadn’t given him my number but I felt he’d be devastated if he found out about it.

Then one day Anna asked if I’d ever considered about living full time as a woman because she thought that I was more natural like this and when I dressed as a man it was like an act. I knew what she meant but I didn’t really think I could go through with such a dramatic life change. Then she admitted that she’d seen Eddie a few times and he’d kept asking about me. He wanted to see me again and that’s why she’d asked me if I’d ever considered living as a woman.

For a few days I couldn’t stop thinking about him and then one evening as we were watching a movie at Annas place he rang out of the blue. Anna had asked me to answer the phone and that was it. Eddie just asked if it was me and I couldn’t say no. He kept me chatting each time I tried to pass the phone to Anna and eventually he asked if I would meet him for coffee.

That was my mistake. I went to meet him and I was smitten The more I tried to break up the harder it became. We became very close and whilst we kissed a lot I could never let him touch me. I don’t know what he thought. He must have felt I had a problem with men and was frigid. He wasn’t too demanding at first and he behaved like a true gentleman so it was quite easy to keep him at arms length. But as our love grew he wanted me and me? I wanted more,

I don’t know why he was so hooked on me. Who says love is blind? It must be.
I tried my best to not to fall in love him and to resist the temptation to dress like this but I was living almost full time at Annas and full time as a woman and I was completely at ease and so were Anna and Sarah. One weekend he’d flown to see his parents so I told Anna that this game had to stop and I’d write him a letter. I gathered as many clothes together in two giant cases and locked them in the garage to give to charity. I even threw away the keys to avoid temptation.

But Anna and Sarah said I’d changed a lot and they liked me more as ‘Shirl the Girl’ who by now was answering to Julie and that’s the name that Eddie had accepted.
I stopped visiting for a while and left Eddie a long note saying that I had a medical problem and I couldn’t hurt him. I told him I had to go away for a while and hopefully that I could have some treatment.

But he kept asking where I’d gone and was persistent with both of them pressing them to tell him what went wrong.

I lost my way, I cried each night, before I went to sleep and I was fading fast my head had gone, I became a wreck. I lost weight and I looked awful. I knew deep down I loved him, but I could never be his ‘wife.’

Then suddenly I decided to dress again and I cheered up a bit and found an apartment and took a part time job as Julie. I guess I was gradually coming to terms with the situation and I kept in touch with Anna. But then I dipped again back into depression. I hated myself and I couldn’t come to terms with living like this and facing Eddie to let him know what a fool I’d made of him. I was on medication and I was not able to think straight.

One night I was really low. Anna and Sarah were away for the weekend and I’d talked to them and they were worried about me. I decided I couldn’t carry on living this lie.
I don’t know what came over me . I just walked into the kitchen and picked up a knife.
All I found out later was that Anna called him in panic and told him where I lived. She was so worried and I didn’t answer the phone.

When he arrived he broke the lock and he found me.He saw me laid upon the floor with a slash across my wrist, It wasn’t big because I was a coward but I’d lost a lot of blood.
Anna told me I’d gone and my heart had stopped beating. But he kissed me and brought me back to life again by pressing hard on my chest and beating me with his fist. I don’t know how he didn’t notice that I was not so well endowed.

Then apparently he tied his belt around my arm, so tight it stopped the flow of blood whilst he wrapped a bandage around my wrist. He picked me up and carried me to his car and drove like a maniac to A&E. He drove so fast, my life was saved.

Thank God, it wasn’t far,
I was rushed into the theatre and he stayed all night with me in the recovery room. He had arrived like an Angel from above. He squeezed my hand from time to time and whispered that he loved me. I must have been out for at least 24 hours before I came around.

When I awoke the nurse helped me to sit up and I I sat and looked around. But I was all alone, an empty room. Where was he? Had I been dreaming?

As I learned later the doctors took him to a room the next morning and said I was going to be OK. Somehow because he’d arrived on time and then stayed with me holding my hand I’d found the strength to fight.
Then when all was calm as morning broke, he finally sat down and he watched the nurse who asked him if he knew. ‘What if I know what?’
Then she turned to him, after lifting up my gown and said ‘Do you know this person. This is a man, did you know?
Now he knew, my secret out, he just turned and ran away, He didn’t leave a note and he never said anything to the nurse. He ran out of the hospital and from that day on he never called, There was nothing he could say.

I was bitterly upset when Anna and Sarah arrived and insisted to dress in mens pyjamas when they arrived. I swore to them that I’d never dress again and I went home and back to my former job telling them I’d been ill that they’d accepted.

After that I never dressed and I lived a quiet life. I settled down and looked around and met Rebecca who was introduced through a friend at work. She was a strong woman yet gentle and caring and we became close friends through mutual interests that I guess were related to my admiration of feminine things. I took her to the theatre and on long walks and to shopping malls and accompanied her on fashion trips that she did through work and I guess the physical side of our relationship was never important. We just enjoyed each others company.

When she first saw my scar she asked about my scar and I told her I’d been depressed after a relationship broke up but she never pursued it at the time and eventually we were married.

She knew I’d suffered from some of the stories I’d told her but she assumed that the relationship I’d had was with Anna and not Eddie and she was really understanding. She tried to help as much as she could but she never knew about Julie, the girl I’d left behind. Until one day she asked about the photograph now hanging on the wall and who this was. She found it in my drawer and of course she saw the resemblance.

She asked if this was me and why I couldn’t talk about it and eventually I burst into tears and everything came out. She didn’t seem to be bitter and angry about it although she became more dominant in our relationship and started to call me Julie as if to taunt me. She wanted to see me dressed as Julie and tried to apply make-up one night in bed hoping it would excite me but I couldn’t let her do it and ran to the spare room to sleep. She knocked on the door and said that if I wanted to be a woman I could still be her friend but she needed sex and if I wasn’t going to try then she’d look elsewhere.

That just made things worse. She hung my picture on the wall to remind me of the woman inside of me and everytime we had an argument she’d just say ‘stop behaving like a girl.’
We stopped going out with friends and she started her own social network. I was told to stay in and do chores or have an early night if I couldn’t be a man. Whilst she saw this as a punishment in fact I quite enjoyed it. I did gradually take over most of the jobs around the home that gave me chance to be Julie again even though it was only in my mind.

I would read her magazines and would also buy my own and I gathered a collection of articles about people who had been courageous enough to face the fact they were born in the wrong body and did something about it. There were some long evenings alone and she even stayed out all night on several occasions so I knew she was having a relationship. I moved into our spare room and she behaved as if she was single removing her wedding ring.

She made no secret of the fact that she was seeing someone and said that she still loved me but more as a girlfriend than as a husband. We just seemed to drift further apart and she took over control of our finances so that I couldn’t see what she was spending and how she was spending. She took over the car that restricted me to the house so I packed in my job and she paid me weekly for housekeeping expenses and some pocket money. But I’d nothing to spend the money on so I saved it along with some money that I’d inherited.

Since I was home mostly by myself I decided to look at setting up a business where I could operate by internet or by telephone. It was easy to disguise my voice to make cold calls as Julie on behalf of my boss. So I built up a client base doing freelance work and set up a separate account with my local bank for a Company that I established. I guess this was still not enough to live on or look after my wife so we relied on her job and I relied on the housekeeping and the pocket money I received.

It was strange to have to wait for my wife so I could borrow my own car to go shopping and she rarely came with me so it was a chance at least to be me. Whoever I was. Sometimes I just felt like I was a woman out shopping and I bought a manbag to feel more feminine. But that was as far as it went. Most times when I got back home my wife would just take the car and go out so I wasn’t even getting chance to cook dinner.

Life carried on like this for 6 months or so and I was feeling lonely. I wished that I’d stayed in contact with Anna and I wondered where she was now. I couldn’t seem to break the downward spiral that I was in but eventually that one act of leaving me kicked me into life again.

Now she’d gone because eventually she became infatuated with a new lover and she used the excuse that it was my fault. She said that she was frustrated at my lack of capability to satisfy her even though we’d had sex. She just packed some things and left.

So now I was finally really all alone so instead of my imagination I thought I’d like to find the girl again that I’d been so many years ago. I decided to find Anna and who knows, I might be lucky, to find Eddie who had been my Angel who saved my life that day.

So as I looked in the mirror and decided that first I had to do something about my appearance. I still had soft features so I was sure with a bit of work I could look good again. I found one of my wifes make-up bags and cleansed my face. Then I proceeded to tidy myself up. She had everything including the kitchen sink in her drawers and cupboards in her bedroom and most of it she’d left behind.

I started with a face massage and smoothed the wrinkles with soft cleaning creams and oils. I shaved the soft hair from my chin and then using tweezers I gave my eyebrows some shape. It had been a long time since I’d shaped them and I curled my eyelashes that was a new treat. I took a shower to shave my arms and legs and chest and soon the hairy ape in the mirror had gone altogether.

Then I ran a bath, so sweet and warm and filled with oils. I lit some candles and soaked in warm suds and gently I scrubbed myself with a loofa until I felt every crack and crevice was clean.

I dusted, powdered, sprayed and oiled, till not a hint of ‘him’ was evident. Julie was back and even standing naked in front of the mirror this was plain to see.
I put on a dressing gown that my wife left in the bathroom and explored her wardrobes. It was like an Aladins cave since my wife had lots of clothes to wear, so many, so now which to choose?

I tried on many things and some suited whilst others I found to be to frumpish. I wanted more feminine things even if the colors were dark. I thought about what I might do. Dare I dress and walk outside? Why not? What else had I to lose. I’d lost my friends, my wife, my job and had no family to turn to.

So on that day I found a life again with no more feeling of doom and gloom. I could dress as Julie and practice my make-up and style my hair. At last this chance to dress again and no need that this be restricted to the confines of my room.I had the freedom of the house and soon I was venturing out into the garden.

I was soon was gaining confidence and I didn’t do much wrong but so far I’d not ventured out to the mall and I went to look at a small car that I bought as an effeminate looking man. The salesman took me as gay judging by his reaction and passed me over to one of his female assistants who was much nicer than him anyway.

So I soon became ‘myself ‘again, in fact it wasn’t long at all. My wife had gone and she’d never seen this side of me and she never knew I’d never dressed at all.

So when I took my first trip out to the shopping mall I felt rather nervous as I parked my car. I looked around for a spot away from the main buildings because there were lots of people there and I wanted to get my confidence walking across to the entrance. If I stood out then I hoped and prayed people would ignore me and just carry on and not turn to look or stare.

But I don’t know why I worried since it really was a piece of cake as I sauntered round the shops. I bought lots of more modern skirts and jeans and bras and tops since I didn’t want to rely on my wife’s wardrobe. I wanted my own clothes.

When I got home my feet were sore and my credit card was hot. In truth it was my wife’s card that she’d used from our original joint account that she was now looking after and she’d left it behind so right now I didn’t give a tot.

She’d soon find out because I’d be using that on other days and at least that would be my small revenge. Her salary was still being paid into the account so she is more the loser than me and because she’d walked out I doubted she’d dare complain until next time we met. I wondered what she’d think if she saw me now.
So I’d braved the world outside and so far so good. I found myself singing a song from Sleepless in Seatle , ‘back in the saddle.’ Right now I didn’t have any problems as I walked around and felt that perhaps she’d done me a favor. So for now all the pleasures mine.

I decided now was the time to make a plan to find Anna, Sarah and the other girls whose joke and skill had started this. If only I’d been more careful in my relationship with Eddie I could have carried on longer and who knows I might have told him one day and enjoyed a life of bliss.

I decided to pack a bag for a few days and I’d check into a motel near where Anna had lived and check out if she lived in the area or if she’d got married. I left early next day because it took me almost 5 hours to reach my destination and find a suitable motel with some privacy where a woman might feel safe.

As a man I’d never even considered this as one motel was similar to another. I was glad to find a friendly receptionist who told me a lot of single women stayed there and that even the bar and the restaurant were quiet and fairly private.

Even though there was a sales convention the motel seemed secure and there were a lot of women delegates that made me feel better.

I went to the bar area for a latte and a raisin cake since I was starving and two of the female delegates started chatting. They were very friendly that was nice and they recommended the restaurant and to meet up anytime if I didn’t like dining alone. They were booked for 3 nights so I thanked them and we exchanged names and room numbers.

They called me in fact and we had dinner together chatting about all sorts of things. Luckily since I’d read a lot of womens magazines I knew what they were talking about most of the time and could chip in with an opinion or a comment. We shared a bottle of red wine that I bought because of their kindness and we sipped it and chatted long after we’d finished eating.

Later I fired up my computer and started to do a bit of research to try to find out what happened to Anna. After 2 hrs I fell into bed having had no luck and I guess I had the best nights sleep I’d had in ages.

The next morning after breakfast I was chatting to the duty manager who had been to the same university as Anna and I and he seemed to be similar age. A stroke of luck. He knew Anna and said she still lived locally though she’d been married and was now divorced. She’d worked in the same hotel group in the marketing side so he promised to find an address and a telephone number if he could. It didn’t take him long and I smiled as sweetly as I could as he was proud to hand it over to me the coffee shop later.

She only lived 3 miles away in the suburbs so I decided to take a ride out that afternoon. I guess I was nervous to cold call but I wanted to try to surprise her.

When I pulled up at the bottom of her drive she was in the front garden picking some flowers. She hadn’t changed. Still the same Anna, slim with long hair flowing over her shoulders and hardly looking any different. As I stepped out of the car she protected her eyes from the sun with her hand a blinked a few times before dropping her basket. ‘My God Julie is that you? Is that you?’

I nodded and smiled as I walked towards her as daintily as I could and then she ran towards me and almost knocked me over. She just squeezed me as hard as she could saying ‘Oh Julie Oh Julie I’ve missed you so much.’ I lost you so where have you been?’

I was too emotional by now so I couldn’t speak. Tears were falling down my face and then she started too.

‘Oh Julie please come in I’ve missed you. Please tell me everything is OK I thought something might have happened to you after you’d been so depressed and hurt yourself. Oh Julie I’m so sorry for causing all this trouble for you. I’ve never forgiven myself and it’s affected me a lot. I’ve never stopped blaming myself.’

We hugged for a while and then went indoors. I told her all about what happened to me and how I’d been so depressed that I’d tried to kill myself but that she shouldn’t feel responsible. I’d tried to leave everything behind because Eddie had reacted so badly when he found out that night and my life hadn’t been worth living. He had every right to kill me never mind save me. I couldn’t face him or her or sarah again so I’d checked out and gone home.

I told her about my new life and my marriage and how eventually my feelings had returned and that my marriage failed as a consequence.

Then she told me that eventually she’d had to get married because she was pregnant. She knew that her husband didn’t love her but they’d tried to stay together for the sake of their son.

Her life had not been fun but she was proud of her son who was doing well at college. She was still working part time and I was lucky to find her in today. So we hugged and kissed and laughed and cried as we sat and talked all afternoon. She said she’d never laughed again since the day I’d run away and it was such a relief to smile again.

I asked her about Eddie and she went quiet. Something seemed to be wrong so I asked if he’d had an accident or something. Was he OK? Then she stopped and took me by surprise. She took a breath and squeezed my hand and looked deep into my eyes. ‘If you had the chance would you like to meet him, but dressed like this as Julie again. The woman he truly loved.’
,
I didn’t speak, I didn’t dare think about it and then I just said ‘When?’.

She said she could arrange it but I shouldn’t rush into it. Just take my time instead to think about it. I did think about it. He might not have liked what he saw that night, as I lay upon my bed but I had to try. ‘Yes I want to meet, that’s the other reason that I’m here, oh Anna please just try to help me. I just want to overcome my fear.’

'Well I can try and I can call and ask him and I’m sure he’ll come. If you wish we can do it now and for sure if he wants to come it won’t take long because in fact he lives close by,'

Then Sarah said before we made the call she wanted me to meet her son because there was something I should know.

What else could I do of course I wanted to meet her son and for a moment I was worried in case he had a health problem.

‘Come on let’s step out back he’ll be chilling out with a beer if I know him. He never calls to say he’s home.’'

As we stepped out through the French doors there he was looking out over the garden sinking a beer. He was taller than Anna and I. then he turned to speak. Oh my God what a shock.
‘My God it’s him, is this your son? I was trembling now with shock It was like going back in time.

How could it be, this boys a grown man. Twenty years had passed and we’d kept our lives apart and now maybe this was the reason I’d not heard from her or Eddie.

‘Julie, I’m sorry but I thought the truth might be too much and that it would really break your heart.’

‘this is Eddie Jnr our son.’

He shook my hand, Oh what a smile, he kissed me on the cheek and my legs were like jelly so I couldn’t stand, I nearly fell, my knees they felt so weak.

Eddie Jnr didn’t ask, or even speak, but I could tell he’d like to know if I was the old friend they’d argued about and if his mum and I, and dad of course had been close friends long ago.

I hugged Anna and then we hugged Eddie Jnr too. ‘Yes we were friends and we are still friends and I’d like to meet your father.’

So eddie Jnr called Eddie on his cell phone and withing 30 minutes he was standing in the doorway.

I looked at him and he just stared at me and a huge smile appeared. My eyes just filled again and tears poured out, in fact I couldn’t see anything. This bloody mascara.
I was so relieved that I’d held my nerve and glad I’d had the courage to stay.

This time he knew that this was ‘me’, so he didn’t have to run away and we just hugged each other the four of us and I knew this time I would be honest with him and see where this might lead.

I'd wasted twenty years and now I was back.