Dare To Live
( Vivere è bello anche )
By Julie D Cole

Dare to live until the very last, Why, why, why is the life we live not the life we want?
Our life is often all we have to give.
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I was on vacation in Tuscany having treated myself and my friend Sarah to two of the best seats for a special outdoor show and these were the best I could get at short notice. Still we had a close view of the array of artists who were appearing and we’d arrived 2 hours early to be certain not to miss even the warm up. Not that anybody needs to warm up in Tuscany on a late summer evening.

So after arrival and finding our seats for the rest of the evening I was in a reverie. Sarah held onto me as the show started. My eyes filled and I could no longer hold back the tears. I was daring to live and when my favorite artist Luisa Pausini came on stage to sing with Andrea that was it.

They were magic. The words were clear in my mind and Luisa was so wonderful as she responded to his magnificent voice with every ounce of power staining her neck muscles to the limit. Why is life so unfair and to bless some with such talent as well as beauty and some of us born in the wrong bodies and just small potatoes by comparison. As we looked to the big screen to see the close up view of Luisa Sarah turned to look at me. She had noticed the facial resemblance. ‘ Julie it’s true, it’s uncanny. You could be sisters.’

I smiled with a look of total smugness. I’d wanted to get close and see Luisa in the flesh. I felt we looked similar but Sarah had just confirmed it. She was a big star and I was flogging myself to death for a living in Cambridge. At least I could tell people I’d been educated in Cambridge but alas fell far short of the standard to be accepted at one of their University Colleges.

This was the first vacation we’d taken together as two close friends, with me full time as Julie. Sarah is a work colleague and has been helping me to accept Julie into my life rather than let as Julian have all the fun. In fact Sarah is my boss but outside work she insists that we are just friends. She is so kind to me and was the first to know about Julie. Since I dressed and met her as Julie she took a personal interest and she has has helped me to soften my features and let Julie come out.

As part of my coaching she went through my wardrobe several months ago and removed all the drag style items that I’d kept from the early days of my desire to dress as a girl. I remember Sarah said ‘ Julie you are not a drag artist or a cross-dresser so just accept this is you. Dress like a girl not as a boy trying to be a girl. Be who you are and let people see this side of you because for sure you are a much happier person. Don’t worry about what people might thing because from my observations you’d give most girls a run for their money. Why don’t you go out and mix with people? I’ll help you.”

She looked at me eye to eye. “ Come on Julie. Just dare to live.“

So there we were on a beautiful evening in Tuscany, two girls ready to enjoy a wonderful night to remember for the rest of their lives.

I’d taken every precaution I could and we’d passed through customs fairly easily although my features had changed quite a bit compared to the passport photo. But it’s a common problem and the fingerprint matched so the officer eventually waved me through. When he’d asked me to remove my baseball cap my hair had fallen back to the style that Sarah had chosen that was no way masculine but I guess he’d seen it all before.

If I’d known how easy it was I’d have worn make-up and padded my bra. Maybe next time and thank goodness for no strip search or baggage search. No sign of Julian since Sarah said it would mean excess baggage that was unnecessary for the next two weeks as we drove around Italy in a nice little hire car. Driving in heels was a pleasure for me but a pain for Sarah. She laughed at me all the way from Calais to the most wonderful part of Italy not far from Florence. We were staying in the middle of vineyard in a large old style hotel that had recently been upgraded. It was now 4 star but from our observations that’s 2 star in normal money. It’s an Italian thing I suppose that must be why George Clooney found a 7 star hotel in Venice. I was glad we avoided the 2 star options. .

Anyway back to the show. What a wonderful concert and such a marvelous performance. My mascara was running and I attempted to keep it under control. Sarah passed me a tissue that helped a bit. The atmosphere was electric. The view was mind boggling. The sky was becoming dark and it was going to be full of stars as if there weren’t enough on show already. Where else in the world but Italy could a venue like this be available and I’d got to see my idol even if she only sang two songs. But it was this song that hit me as well as her wonderful femininity. Her dress was gorgeous and she fussed and fluttered around Andrea as he went on bended knee to sing his part of the song. She left nothing to imagination proud of her bosom but poor Andrea could only imagine what they looked like.

Sarah gripped my hand and smiled. She knew I liked Luisa but it wasn’t that she stirred something below, it was her femininity and because, as Julie, I could copy her style and create her in the mirror at home. If only I had the figure and wasn’t a few inches taller than her then I’d be happy to venture out although I doubted she was that well known in England.

As she walked off stage with Andrea I just had to stand and applaud. I wanted to stand on my seat and to wave and if I could whistle I’d have whistled. Sarah pulled my skirt to make me sit down. ‘I don’t know 2 weeks ago you wouldn’t venture out and now you are standing to cheer whilst everyone remains seated.’

A lady behind us tapped me on the shoulder in broken English and I made out she was pointing at the big screen. I’d been singled out by the camera crew and in close up. The show was being recorded for release on a DVD. Sarah smiled ‘ Now you’ve done it. You’ll be helping them get to number one and maybe you’ll get a royalty if you’re lucky.’

‘Oh Sarah I don’t care she was wonderful. He was wonderful. They were magic.’

Andrea came back on stage and the show continued. And what a show. At the end all the performers came back on stage and Luisa was still in the same flowing dress. She waved to the crowd and I waved and blew kisses hoping she’d see me but alas now everybody was standing and I had a problem to see over the guys in front of us let alone be seen. I felt fulfilled and as girly as Sarah and I hugged. ‘ Such tears and not a boy band in site. Julie do you think you might have lesbian tendencies. “

‘ Ha, Ha. I wish. Yes I just wish I had her talent and other assets such as her bosom of course and her hips and her eyes and her butt.”
Why, why, why is the life we live not the life we want?

As they left the stage nobody moved except to sit down and I guess we were all still in shock. The sky was filled with stars. I looked to the stars as I’d done many times this past 3 years whilst writing to an internet friend I’d made. She only knew me as Julie and her name was Suzi. She was Italian but lived in Switzerland and was looking for a female partner through the dating site I’d joined as Julie. Oh if she were here now. She’d introduced me to Luisa’s music and had a crush on her that was why I’d tried to present myself in the same style. Suzi was falling in love with me and me with her but it couldn’t be.

Yes it’s true. ‘Why, why, why is the life we live not the life we want?’

We can all dream. If only I was with her tonight. She looked so feminine. Sarah brought me back and I smiled at her. As much as I liked Sarah she was just a friend and my boss. She was still pretty and slim and had kept he looks considering she was 10 years older than me.

If only I’d dared to live and accepted Suzi’s invitations to move to Switzerland and spend the rest our lives together. We clearly had so many things in common and shared tastes in food, music, books and sense of humor. She had some masculine features and lived the life of a man sometimes riding a Harley Davison motor cycle and swimming and walking her dog every day and she did most of her own maintenance work as well as servicing a few friends. Not in that way only for household chores and car maintenance.

She was quite feminine in appearance and had been a tomboy growing up. She had been married and then had two or three relationships with women but only I had been considered special and hopefully the one destined to be with. Oh if only she knew she’d probably kill me. Funny but she was always more of a guy than a girl in her mind and exactly opposite to me. Except now with Sarah’s coaching I felt a lot more of a girl than ever. I was still thinking much to Sarah’s frustration. How could I have told Suzi the truth?

Although there were some times when I felt she knew and was coaxing me to speak out. She printed all the photos I’d sent and put them on display in her house and sent me pictures of her friends admiring them. Right now I craved to be as feminine as Laura and to give myself to Suzi as she’d suggested several times. We had our intimate moments and some racy exchanges as well as lots of girly and boy/girl type exchanges. She made me feel totally feminine and I found myself responding as if she was a boyfriend looking out for me. We even wrote a love story together taking turns to write chapters. She was the lion and I was the butterfly.

She really pressed me for an answer and offered to visit me and said several times ‘ She used to write ‘Try looking at tomorrow not yesterday’ just like a line in the song I’d heard. She wanted to share everything with me and didn’t expect anything in return. In fact I had lots of things to give to Suzi and would pay my way if the chance ever arose. But I had to be realistic. It was never going to happen because I couldn’t be the woman she wanted. She used to tell me time and again she didn’t expect anything and just pack a light bag and give things a try. She always added a line to the end of all her e-mail messages. ‘ Don’t hesitate - our life is often all we need to give’

I looked to the sky again, so beautiful and then to the direction that I was sure was North. I searched for the twinkling star we had both found. It was our star and we would look to find it when we were sharing special moments. Tonight it was lost amongst thousands of other stars that lit up the sky. Always assuming of course that I was actually looking to North and not to the South. The nice warm breeze did give me a clue. If Suzi could see me now she would be seeing me at my very best. Sarah had changed me a lot and now I had confidence and was really experiencing the life of a young woman and I could share emotions and enjoy pampering myself. I’d done better than I dare expect. . Not one stare or frown or rude remark to date. Suzi could you have accepted me like this?

I never wanted Suzi to fall in love with me, she just did. Or so she said many times. But I felt the same way about her. We joked that we must have met in an earlier life. We bonded so quickly. Because of my condition, so to speak, I had to be cruel to be kind. It took many weeks of firm resistance to stop writing and say I couldn’t leave my male partner who relied on me because he was my boss. I painted a picture of a male Sarah so god knows what she would have thought too if she saw some of my e-mails. I was giving up lunch sometimes just to catch Suzi before she started her afternoon shift that wasn’t too bad since it helped me drop a dress size and rid myself of the love handles.

At work everybody became suspicious that I’d found a girl and fallen in love and of course it was true so I did tell them about Suzi but not that Suzi thought I was Julie. They pressed me to visit her or invite her to England and after a while I realized it was all getting out of hand. I thought about all he tender things I dare not say and the gentle touches of each other we both craved for.

I didn’t need the stars to find her. I had Google. With this aid and her address that she forced upon me I knew exactly where she lived and the beauty of the area. I could pick out the walk to the lake she took each day and where she would strip for an early morning swim. She lived close to lake Neuchatel and I’d been there 12 years before whilst touring Switzerland after a business trip to Zurich. I swear I could even see her sunbathing in her garden one day and her little dog was lying by her side. Oh the wonders of Google. It’s not only Big Brother watching over us these days.

I was brought back to reality by a tug on my arm. Someone at the end of the row was beckoning towards me and encouraging me to leave my seat and join him. Sarah pushed me along the row. No way was she missing out or if I was in trouble she’d be right there at my side with fists clenched. She was as anxious as I was to find out what was wrong or if I had upset someone by standing up and waving. It turned out that since I’d been on screen for more than a few seconds I’d been spotted by Luisa’s publicity team and they wanted to have some information about me so they invited me to say hello. I turned to Sarah open mouthed. I couldn’t tell them I was a guy and that I had a girlie feeling for Luisa. Could I? No way. So we both went along with the guy around the massive set and past several armed security guards. I clung onto Sarah’s arm and she gripped mine. It’s a wonder we had any feeling left in our hands..

The dressing rooms were a bit of a disappointment but they’d built a large hospitality area with a bar and there must have been at least 200 people standing around chatting and sipping wine and champagne. What on earth were we doing in the midst of all these people. We weren’t from the industry. Just two girls enjoying an experience in the hills of Tuscany suddenly mesmerized. There was security everywhere but we were allowed to pass. Our escort was obviously a man of influence. Everybody seemed to know him.

Then I saw Luisa standing with a glass of wine in hand talking with Andrea Bocelli and several of the other stars and some of the backing group and the leader of the orchestra. Sarah focused only on the array of hunks on display wondering how I’d managed to distinguish one from another. We were both so entranced that Sarah stood on the hem of her dress almost tripping up. We both stumbled forward and I almost knocked the drink from Luisa’s hand. She was quick to move so never spilled a drop. She spoke in Italian and I was sure it was a very bad swear word. She was a little embarrassed so apologized whilst looking me over. I guess my central parting was just like hers and quite pronounced. I wished I had her smile and for once I wasn’t self-conscious about the small gap between my front teeth since this was clearly what gave Luisa her wonderful smile. I was relieved I hadn’t spent money on implants. Better to save it towards real implants if ever I built up the courage.

Luisa spoke to us in Italian before realizing we were both English and then she spoke in Italian English. Up until recently I’d have said British but then if Scotland wanted to separate so now I’m English and no more Mr. Nice Guy towards them or even Ms. Nice Girl if Sarah has her way when we get back home. She looked me up and down several times and I hoped she didn’t mind me trying to copy her style. I didn’t have the bust or the hips but I did have a strong facial resemblance. But I could only dream. Close up and in the flesh she was much more beautiful than I ever dared to be. I lifted my eyes. Wow, it was difficult not to stare at her breasts and I was sure she had noticed. What on earth would she think. As a true professional I suppose she knew how to deal with my ogling so she encouraged Andrea to speak. He was much taller than us and his voice was so clear and deep. He shook hands with both Sarah and I . As he took my hand he stopped and said something quietly to me in Italian that I didn’t quite catch before exploring it further. Then he took hold of the other one. He was polite and gave us copies of some DVD’s and some flowers and Luisa did the same.

The whole experience took just a few minutes and that included knocking back a glass of local white wine. Before we were ushered to leave I had chance to speak to Luisa who said I looked beautiful and suggesting some family resemblance. I had no Italian ancestry to my knowledge nor did she have any British. As we left Andrea kissed me on both cheeks and whispered into my ear in Italian some words from the song. I had no idea what this was in English but I remembered each word. We translated it later to English using good old Google translate.
‘To live is beautiful even if you have never asked for.
It will be a song, someone will sing it.’

What did he mean? What did the words in the song mean?

As we stared at Sarah’s i-pad I turned to her. ‘Sarah do you think he knew I was a man?’ Maybe this is what he meant.

‘ Maybe but we’ll never know so don’t worry about it as we’ll be history now.’

‘But I feel awkward if he knew I wasn’t really a woman. “

‘He treated you like he treated all the other women around us and nobody else challenged you so what’s to worry? Come on you looked just like Luisa. A few people obviously thought you were both related.’

‘OK then why did he stop and take my other hand? Do you think my hands gave me away.’

‘He took everybody’s hands. He is very tactile so don’t worry about it. It’s his way of connecting. Anyway your hands are more feminine than mine. Look at your fingers. You have slim fingers and your third fingers are the same length as your index fingers. You have such delicate hands for a man. It’d not fair. I don’t know how he could tell if you were man or woman just by feel. Even if he can’t see you smell nice with that bucket full of perfume you decided to douse yourself in.

‘OK, OK so I have small soft hands and he was just making love to me in his way. I should be so lucky. ‘

We headed back to the car since now the crowds were thinning and the roads to the highway weren’t quite so full of headlights. It had been the most wonderful night I’d ever experienced and especially since I went along as Julie. We were soon back at our hotel in time for a nightcap. The barman played a CD by Andrea but had to reduce the volume after he was approached by the manager. We chatted for ages since no way was I going to get to sleep.

Once back in our room we undressed and showered albeit in a bit of a strange bathroom. The shower was just a pipe on the wall and sprayed over the toilet when on full blast. Good job I waited until Sarah went first.

I opened my computer to see I had a message. It was from Suzi. We hadn’t exchanged messages for months. I knew I had to open it whatever resistance I’d tried before. Tonight had been special I couldn’t get the words of the song Andrea and Luisa sang out of my mind.
‘Try looking at tomorrow not yesterday
And all the things you left behind
All those tender words you did not say
The gentle touch you couldn't find ‘
I read the message that wasn’t long by her standards.

‘Hi Jules,
I’m sorry to pester you but I was laid hear thinking about you and I couldn’t find our star. I hope you are OK and nothing has happened to you.
Big hugs
Suzi
Xxxxxxx
PS Why, why, why, why are you not living here with me tonight?
Dare to live my little one. Why, why, why, why are we not living now?
Please Dare to Live!!!!!

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