Chapter 27

Unpacking my bag the previous evening I'd found a bonus parcel from my sister - a pair of electrolysis tweezers. At the London apartment she saw me tweezing a dark hair from the corner of my mouth and commented "Me too!" so I took it that these tweezers were her solution. After I thought everyone else had left or gone to bed on Thursday night I took out the tweezer kit and read the instructions. Five minutes later I'd moved from practicing on my leg to doing my moustache. That was the moment my mother walked through the half open door and started laughing.

"It's mean to laugh at me. I can't help having a moustache!"

"I wasn't laughing at your moustache, just the face you were pulling! Beside that you got those tweezers from your sister, yes? If I guess right they are the ones she got from me and I got them from your Aunt Sophie! Welcome to 'Woman's World' sweetheart!"

Friday the heavens opened and the post arrived with my exam results. I say my results but they were the results for David Victor Williams and he wasn't around to use them.

Taking my passports, driving license, cheque book, credit and debit cards all in the name of Delia Venus Williams, I laid them beside the exam certificates. The only tangible evidence of 13 years schooling was a few useless certificates whereas a relatively few, if frantic, days had garnered an almost complete paper identity for Delia Venus Williams which looked increasingly likely to be my entry to life.

There was the missing female birth certificate to consider and I wondered what I might need it for as in my first 18 years I'm not sure the male one had ever been out of its envelope. Goodness! If I died tomorrow, what would the death certificate say? Then there was prison… What about marriage if I married Jean-Luc…? What about jobs like the military or doing competitive sports… Insurance? Pensions?

The shift from feeling everything was going smoothly to fearing total disaster took mere seconds as a mountain of obstacles and traps grew in my mind through trying to answer questions I'd previously never even thought to ask. Mum and Dad already having left for work I had the house to myself so I did what thousands of others would be doing that morning and bawled my eyes out at the sheer impossibility of creating a life as an adult in a very large very scary world… . Then I showered, dressed, squared my shoulders and headed out into that world, or rather the Job Centre to ask their advice on what hoops a self-employed boat bum and prospective television personality needed to jump through.

Once in town it was a foregone conclusion I'd have lunch at the café. Martina, Jenny, Gwen and Evan were there and greedy for the lowdown on my adventures in London so I waded in using Mum's shorthand description of me as 'a girl with some boy bits'.

"That's what I thought once I'd talked with my sister," said Gwen. "She was the nurse there to back you up against Dr Edwards and she reckoned your hips are all girl, though she did curse your skinny bum!"

"Leave my bum out of this you cheeky cow," I exclaimed somewhat shocked that, behind my back, it had been the subject of gossip by my friends

"Excuse me for 'butting in'" interrupted Jenny to loud groans. "What we really want to know is what's been going on between you and your Frenchman Jean-Luc?"

"Absolutely nothing! He was rude and arrogant and I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole!"

"That's not what Serena told me on the phone. She said your tongue was so far out she thought you were going to lick him all over like a lollipop…" Jenny had her eyebrows raised and a wide-eyed innocent expression on her face as she relayed this scurrilous gossip to the others.

Quite how we moved from that point to my waking up in bed with Jenny next morning is a question that doesn't bear too much examination. The others could blame it on their all important exam results which needed celebrating. An unaccounted extra arm thrown across my face demonstrated that if anything had happened it was a ménage à trois as Serena was spooned against my back.

Sometime during the celebrations of the previous evening it seems to have been accepted that there wasn't enough male in me to constitute a threat which was awkward now as I surreptitiously slipped from the bed to the bathroom with an erection! A pee and a quick tug disposed of my embarrassment but, wiping away the clear but somewhat viscous fluid, I had no explanation and wondered how much even the doctors understood. We all want to be seen as unique individuals but not too unique.

On my way home I stopped off at Debenham's to see Kelly and ask advice. She had been so excited when she heard I might be on television that I wanted to share the news that my part in the project had been given the green light as well as ask her advice on what to take to Spain with me. Over the top as ever she wanted me to have eyelash extensions but I objected that I wouldn't be able to see through them in the sea spray when sailing. As a compromise, having sold me, with discount, enough face and skin cream to protect me through a Saharan sandstorm, she applied some temporary lash extensions for me to try and to add a little Va Va Voom to this evening's outfit.

That outfit by the way was the one I'd worn to the theatre in London, which just by chance I had with me having offered the excuse I needed to have it cleaned for my generous sister. As I was already wearing it when my sister arrived from London she had little choice but to repeat her generosity albeit with some muttering. This time it was teamed, as my ears were now healed, with a dazzling pair of drop diamond earrings borrowed from Serena under threat of a painful death if they were not safely returned. I'm not sure about Va Va Voom but my outfit was definitely high risk!

Entering the restaurant that evening on Bill's arm, I felt a million miles away from the boy I'd presumed myself to be a mere month before. None of my relatives through Grandad Malcolm's sister had seen me before and now didn't seem to be the time for explanations. Grandma Tina thought we were there to celebrate her 75th birthday which was coming in 4 days and she'd been enjoying both the food and attention as the plates were cleared from the main course. That was the moment Bill stood, walked around the tables to Grandma Tina's right-hand side, placed a small box on the table and tapped a glass for everyone's attention.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he spoke looking around the faces of us all. "My name is William McLeod. If anyone here has just cause to object to my asking to take as my wife your family member Litara Williams, or to her agreeing to accept me as her husband speak now or forever hold your peace…

… Taking the box he opened it and turning to grandma asked, , "Litara born of the Sa Malietoa in Samoa and honoured member of the Williams family in Wales - Will you marry me William of the Scottish Clan McLeod ?"

Luckily Bill is not a frail man or the hug Grandma Litara caught him in might have spelt his last breath. Bill took the diamond ring and placed it on the third finger of Grandma's left hand while the room cheered and called for toasts. It was by pre-arranged trickery that Bill took the seat to Grandma's right and my father, whose seat it had been joined me. Dessert was no sooner cleared than Bill was on his feet, tapping his glass once more

"Ladies, gentlemen and in particular, gesturing toward me, Miss Delia Venus Williams. Once my darling Litara and I are married Venus over there, will in law be my granddaughter but before that I have a question to ask her and should she agree I ask that everyone here bear witness, if necessary in a court of law! "

"Delia Venus Williams; do you agree to accept, from this moment, yourself as sole heir to my property, estates and titles?"