Chapter 9

“Turn that thing off!!!”

Serena is seriously deranged. Just how warped does someone have to be to make the effort to get a CD player to just that spot on on the record so they can turn it to full blast at 9:00am.

A phone call from Serena after dinner on Thursday evening produced a plan for a serious assault on my image next day before my appointment at the hospital. Serena then asked to be handed over to Litara who was co-opted to get some shape into my eyebrows before I went to bed.

A lie-in by my definition lasts to at least 10:00 but Serena and Litara must have started wardrobe rummaging at dawn because by the time I got out of the shower and had a bowl of cereal, there was half a dress shop on hangers scattered around Litara's bedroom.

“Why do I have to wear a dress? I’ve never worn a dress and I’d be much more confident wearing something like I wore last Friday evening”

“First” Serena replied, “your mother was not entirely wrong when she said you were dressed like a bimbo last Friday. Secondly you are going to be dealing with a powerful man with a reputation as a bit of a letch and the right dress will help you stand up to him. Finally you will leave here in a couple of hours wearing the dress so that by the appointment at 4:00 you will have the confidence you need.”

An hour later a denim corset dress with full-length front zipper had been selected. I was pleased they had found anything at all which fitted me but they pointed out that I would certainly have a physical examination and that for this dress I didn’t require either a bra or help to get in and out of it. Also the straps would give me confidence that I wouldn’t fall out.

Makeup was what could kindly be called problematic. Ice packs throughout yesterday evening had stopped my eye from swelling and luckily it wasn’t bloodshot but a definite rainbow effect had developed.

“Be bold declared Litara. Wear it with pride rather than try to hide it. You have good skin so stick to just a bit of lip gloss - Serena will help you pick one in town.”

Finally See held some of my hair back in a clasp near my crown leaving the rest free to swing. “Like that it won’t get into your eyes but it still has life” she explained.

“Right, you two be off or I'll get no work done,” said my sister finally (while at home Litara seems to live on the phone and computer but how this fits in with making documentaries has me stumped).

Serena and I were in town by 12:00 and soon in Debenhams. “I’ve no idea what suits your skin tone but noticed a girl with similar skin working a makeup counter here. She will be your best bet for good advice.”

Advice the girl certainly had but most of it went over my head! Suffice it to say we left thirty minutes later with me looking much less like the loser of a fight even though I still couldn’t see any makeup other than the lipgloss. All it had cost me was the price of the lip gloss and an order for shades of cosmetics not stocked in Cardiff which when they arrived would be mine once I’d paid the price of a small mortgage!

A few minutes later we were in our regular café where we had been expected by Martina and Jenny with coffees already on the table ordered as soon as they spotted our approach. I was beginning to think Serena had a great future ahead of her coordinating armies!

“Great dress,” effused Jenny “and the black bag (Litara’s again) goes perfectly.”

“I’ve seen just the sandals to go with the dress!” came from Martina. “You've just got to get them.” So we were out of the cafe, drinks downed, and across the road in the shoe shop less than 20 minutes after arriving

The sandals were wedges with ankle straps of the exact matching colour to the dress. Not only that but they were comfortable for my first heels of about 2" and reduced in price. I think if I hadn’t bought them the girls were so determined I have them they would have clubbed together to buy them for me.

Unfortunately Martina had to go back to work at that point but Jenny was in for the long haul and had prepared a buffet lunch back at her place to eat while we watched a movie.

"You’re joking?" I questioned. "It’s the middle of the day. Why would we watch a movie?"

"Educational supplement!" explained Serena. "You’re lagging behind on the female experience. I wanted us to watch Thelma and Loiuse but got voted down on grounds of the effect on your driving so we went with Jenny’s choice instead."

That is how Serena, Jenny and I, instead of shopping as I expected, sprawled together to watch Never Been Kissed.

Our timing for the end of the movie was perfect and at 3:50 the three of us were approaching the waiting area for Dr Edwards office only to see, already there… Gwen!

Gwen was up and hugging me like a favourite sister she hadn’t seen for 20 years. "I'm so, so sorry. Oh, your poor eye! I'm so sorry but I couldn’t let you go through this alone. Be sure to ask for a nurse present if he gives you a physical" she whispered, “it’s all arranged."

We’d no sooner sat than walking down the corridor came Dr Edwards. "Ah, my 4 o'clock appointment. Perhaps you’ll go straight in," he said to me. T hen turning to the others continued, "I have no more appointments today so you must be the escort. This is likely to take rather a long time so I’m sure" nodding toward me, "we’ll understand if you don’t wait".

“We're staying,”said Gwen. “No matter how long it takes, we’re staying.”

"Whatever you wish" replied Dr Edwards opening the door to his office and ushering me inside. Once seated Dr Edwards looked through a folder and started. "Right, Dai Williams. That’s quite a shiner (black eye) you have there. Who did it? One of the other boys?"

I bridled "No a friend".

"If that’s what your friend does to you I’d hate to see what they do to their enemies"

"Perhaps you should avoid annoying my friend then. You just met her!"

Dr Edwards did a double take then pulling himself together said "Perhaps we should get on. My initial reaction was that you were suffering from a degree of Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (AIS) but from these results it appears your case is somewhat rarer with a condition called de la Chapelle syndrome †. What is known as being an XX male." You have very little testosterone but unusually elevated œstrogen levels.

"If I have two X chromosomes then why aren't I female?" I asked.

"That is because you probably have the significant part of the Y chromosome but it has become embedded in your second X chromosome obtained from your father. Things will be clearer after I have given you a physical examination"

Stopping Dr Edwards with a raised hand I declared "If I’m to have a physical I’d like a female nurse present please"

"That really isn’t necessary but if it makes you more comfortable…" Dr Edwards lifted the phone and asked for a nurse to be available at Gyne when he and his patient got back from from X-ray.

An hour later we were back in the doctor’s office and I’d been X-rayed, pushed, prodded, palpitated, examined frontally and anally (I'm sure the nurse winked at me when the doctor was doing that) and ultra-sound scanned. I felt like a bit of meat and the Dr Edwards appeared to have become more frustrated at each stage.

"Right," started Dr Edwards "unfortunately there is little good news other than your very high level of fitness. You are sterile and there is nothing we can do if you wish to become a father also you appear to have have vestigial immature female organs that have a significant chance of becoming cancerous so I would recommend you have exploratory preventive surgery. If your appearance upsets you I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend a mastectomy and a testosterone supplement"

"Dr Edwards. Since I gave you my medical history last week I have learnt that my Grandfather came from the Dominican Republic and was born a girl but a guevedoche.”

"You have been misinformed. Through my research I am aware of the cases to which you refer but if the person you describe as your grandfather did have that condition he would certainly have been unable to father children as such men are infertile." replied Dr Edwards. "In any case the normal X chromosome will have come from your mother and the impaired chromosome from you father who I see from your description is Anglo-Polynesian so unconnected to the Dominican Republic."

"Then a miracle must have occurred because my grandfather is certain he was the only black man in the area who could have fathered my mother and she most certainly is my mother! Also how do you know it was my father’s X chromosome that was impaired when there were two X chromosomes that went into the making of me?"

I’d taken all I could stand from this narcissistic know-it-all. "You say I am very fit yet will never have children. Next you tell me you want to have me opened up so someone can rummage around looking for things to cut out,” by this time I was on my feet and halfway out the door…

“I don’t think so!"

† http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/XX_male_syndrome