WARNING: WHAT IS TO FOLLOW IS A FRANK DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE. PLEASE BE CAREFUL READING ...
Ok, lets take a deep breath before we begin. Suicide isnt a nice subject, but its one we need to look at once in a while, if only so we can understand how it happens, and how we can maybe prevent it.
I'm thinking a lot about death at the moment.
Part of that comes out of trying to write my autobiography, and right now I am at the place where my father commits suicide, and part of it comes out of a book I just finished reading called "Thirteen Reasons Why" Its a powerful book about a teen who commits suicide and leaves behind tapes for thirteen people whose choices helped push her to the edge.
I saw myself in the girl, because I have been on that edge, several times.
I am not far from the edge even yet.
And so I think about death.
I remember my anger when I learned the truth about my dad's death, as I had been originally told he had a brain tumor which was a lie.
I remember using his death for shock value at school, describing it so I could watch people's faces turn white.
And I can still remember vividly the first time I sat on the edge, trying to build up the courage or despair needed to fall off ...
I remember working in the emergency ward of a hospital, and sitting with a patient who had attempted suicide seven or eight times. He had tried pills, cutting his wrists, and even tried to shoot himself in the head, only to survive the attempts. I can still picture the repair job they had done on the top of his head, how you could see what looked like a serious dent in his skull where part of his brain had been destroyed ...
He is probably the biggest reason most of my death wishes have never been acted on. They just dont seem all that romantic when you can see its possible for them to fail, and that then you would have to carry on living with whatever damage you did to yourself ...
Many of my suicidal impulses can be traced to my gender struggle. When you're presented with what feels like an unsolvable problem, and one that even God hates you for having, much less not being able to solve, its easy to start to think you might as well die sooner rather than later.
But sadly, even starting a transition isnt a full answer to my struggle to find a reason not to die. I carry a sense of worthlessness that is very similar to the one my father struggled with. Of course, I also had stuff happen to me that seemed to confirm that sense of worthlessness. Nothing like being treated like a piece of meat, like a toy to be used and discarded to help you think that's the only truth in the world ...
And yet, I am still here.
And in taking action on my gender issues, I have proved I am not totally helpless to change things for myself. And that has given me the courage to face my rapes so I can say I am no longer a victim, but a survivor.
And along the way I have seemed to have become more open to hear the voices of people who think I am someone worthwhile, and have added to their number.
I am loved, and I can now see that I am loved.
And therefore lovable.
Precious, even.
And that's a good enough reason to keep living, dont you think?
Comments
Somebody Loves You
On a day of worldwide mourning - for more than one reason - it was good to read those uplifting last few sentences.
I'd never heard this song until a few minutes ago, but as it's one of Mark Everett's I knew it would live up to its title.
http://youtu.be/Bnntx6RyWQw
Somebody loves you
And you're gonna make it through!
I was there...
And now I'm not. I feel much better about myself, I'm happy.
But the experience left me with a deep desire to help people still struggling. It is very hard to accept this about yourself. Being TG doesn't make sense, it just is.
Thinking about suicide
Many of us think about it. And if you think about it, if we were really serious about doing it, it is really simple. I think that suicide talk is an expression of our pain, and we need to express that pain somehow, like a Mom expresses milk from her breast.
We can however wear others out with our depressing talk because most people simply do not know how to fix us, unless we participate in the process. Soooo, I've really had to take charge of my own self. :) Gandhi said, "the way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others", and it is not hard to find those who are much worse off than ourselves.
In serving at a local free food warehouse, it seems that I have been helped more than I help others. Their plight makes me look deep inside and sometimes I do not like what I see, but increasingly, because others who are caring and loving serve with me help me to see value in those we serve and in myself.
A blind woman in my ward also needs a ride to get groceries, to church, and to certain events. It really is no trouble and in watching her, I realize how fortunate I am.
And, though many here will not wish to hear it, the pain from horrific abuse as a child, my own rapes, and abandonment and all that is greatly diminished, and I believe that is due to my experience with a church that has in the past caused some of us a great deal of pain. For reasons I can not explain, they seem quite repentant of past behavior toward us and have said so. Some faithlessly engage in "In Your Face" confrontation that is simply not productive.
I hope that you are able to find yourself among positive, loving and caring people and along the way you will be able heal enough to get your mind on things that will heal you and help you to feel your worth.
That's the best reason!
The only reason that counts.
Dallas
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
The silent killer
I have had suicidal ideations all my life. One of the worst things I found was how taboo the subject was to talk about with my loved ones. They do not realize that the silence only supports my feelings of being alone and how little my absence would mean.
For me, suicidal thoughts do not mean a desire to die. What I really want is to end the emotional pain and I feel blocked in every avenue available to me. I know if I can get past those blocks, then I will drift back to being okay. But it has only been since I began transitioning that I have had the energy to do that.
I also think of the idea of suicide as an addiction. It is how I learned very early on to cope with intense negative emotions. It scares me because I have lost control and acted in the past and I am afraid that it may happen in the future. And that is when I try to pull in friends and family. I know I am loved, and I hope someday it will be enough.
And like you said, my transition is only a start to solving my problems. I have so many years of anxiety and PTSD that I know that it will take me many more years to work through them. At least, the transition has given me a bit of hope that I will get there.
You are not alone, and please know that I will always listen if ever you want to talk about things.
Love & Light,
Cassie Ellen
The fine line...
...between ruing one's existence in a long spell of hopelessness and the split second decision that translates into an irrevocable choice. I've thankfully only been the the brink of the latter a handful of times in my plus sixty years with the hand of God staying my choice each time.
But the former visits me often like Job's comforters, and I can only shake my head and be glad of the love that continues to sustain me. To paraphrase the Klingon adage, "Perhaps today is a good day to live?"
Love, Andrea Lena
a good day to live, indeed.
to quote the poet - "Carpe Deiem - Seize the day!"
We live such a short time, we should make the most of what we get, yes?
Hugs, Drea.
I wasn't going to comment, but---
I couldn't help myself. All I can say is my daughter's boyfriend commited suicide and the results are being felt to this day, 12 years later. Enough said, before I flame out. I'm still pissed, Arecee
I am sorry for your loss, Arecee
My dad's suicide set things in motion that I still have to cope with. If I had been selfish enough to end my own life, I would have only added to the pain my family has had to deal with.
Dearest Dorothy...
I read this blog much earlier today, but I am not sure of how to comment. The one thought that has not changed from this afternoon is that, as I understand, you changed to an affirming church, and as a resource person to such a church hosting 3 groups for the LGBTQ community, the God they preach about is a loving God who hates no one. I shudder to see you infer that you have an "unsolvable problem, and one that even God hates you for having". I do not believe that God hates anyone. It, in my opinion, is an evil twisting of God's words that is spun by unscrupulous people endeavouring to glorify their own importance to benefit their agenda and satisfy their greed for money and power.
I cannot remember if I told you that I was married for 20 years to a very depressed woman who tried to do away with herself twice after previously confessing that she had been investigating the open rafters in our unfinished basement - when she told me I had to pack her off to our local hospital - there were two young children asleep in the house who could not be left alone - she returned in the early morning - she had conned the staff that she was "alright". After our split I suggested that she might have a "chemical imbalance". Since that sounded better than a "mental Illness" she sought treatment and was diagnosed as "bipolar". In the meantime she had tried the running auto in the garage bit but was caught by our youngest who turned off the car the first time and the second time, for some reason she had gone upstairs to go to bed and was sent to hospital in the ambulance to talk her way out (again) in a few hours. To this day, she is depressed - she called about 8PM to ask what day it was as she had slept all day and was going back to bed. Go figure, she wants nothing to do with me - I am the reason why everything in her life is mucked up - but she is a fairly frequent caller to tell me what a poor life she has. There is only one way she will ever improve her quality of life and that is to push her consultants to lead her in doing an activity to take her mind off her uninteresting life and maybe change her medications. All the things I have pointed out that she used to like to do not, apparently, are uninteresting and so she sleeps.
We all have challenges to overcome - some seem easier - when other people have them - the struggle is to motivate ourselves to overcome our trials and tribulations. With perseverance we can surmount all the major hurdles - we are never set a challenge we cannot overcome. We have to scrape ourselves off the sidewalk - stick our chest out & with head held high - dare the world to do its worst. We often fall over but we can pick ourselves up and get on with the good parts that are left from our latest fall.
You are a "survivor" - you are an accomplished author - you are a warm giggling girl with a few challenges still to overcome but I have faith in your ability to surmount your challenges. The warm comments to your writings demonstrates the love for your efforts is much appreciated by the readers on this site. If you are looking for another reason to "keep living" - you have a supportive mother & a teenaged daughter who are there for you as well as your cyber friends.
Good wishes from this old bag of wind for this little bump in the road to be the next road repair on your path to greater happiness.
Ruth
May the sun always shine on your parade
hugs, Ruth.
I think I may have confused you a bit. My attitude about my transition came out of the very conservative church I belonged to as a teen. Fortunately, these days I go to a much more understanding church, and they have helped me see that God can love me as a girl.