Bested!
by Carla Ann
All Rights Reserved

Magic is in short supply. Use it carefully!

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Bested!, by Carla Ann
October 2013

My cell phone rang as I stood on the busy street corner. I fished it out of the front pocket of my slacks. I was never one to use a belt clip. I saw the caller ID as I activated it and was not surprised to see that it was Lanie. As usual she was already fifteen minutes late.

"Hi. Don't tell me. You're running late because a herd of water buffalo stampeded on fifth street and caused a big pileup, so you had to detour over to seventh and got behind one of those smelly Metro buses."

"Haha Jamie! Close, my boss sent me to the cleaners to pick up her suit just as I was walking out the door. She's about as subtle as a water buffalo sometimes. Seems Mondays are the day all the mid level managers send their lackeys to get their laundry. The place had a line! Look, I'm sorry, I really couldn't help it. I'll be there in five minutes. I'll buy dinner tonight as penance!"

I should note that Lanie and I had grown up together and for as long as we could remember were best friends. We did everything together, and in high school started a tradition of having dinner together every Monday night. We often saw one another more frequently, but Mondays were our sacred time, when we had a meal, caught up with each other's dreary life, and generally poured out our feelings to each other. Most people thought we were siblings, we were so close. We knew each other's deepest secrets, what made us tick. We were alike in other ways too, desperately afraid the outside world would learn what we held inside, so we were both uncomfortable in groups, slow to make friends, and rather introverted. Our secrets weren't the same, but the result was, and it strengthened the bonds we had made and maintained since childhood.

"Just you try to get out of paying, you ditz! It's your turn this week anyway!" She giggled, then swore as I heard a horn honk through her phone.

"Hey! Watch where you're going, jerk! Oh, sorry, some guy in a beamer just cut me off. He's talking on his phone and didn't bother to signal."

"Lanie, you realize you're also talking on a cell phone while you're driving," I asked incredulously. The light changed and the other pedestrians walked off while I stayed on the corner.

"That's different! I'm female, I'm genetically predisposed for driving and talking on the cell phone at the same time! Look, gotta go, be there in one minute!" Before I could come up with a brilliant comeback she was gone.

I turned my phone off and stuffed it back into my pocket. A few moments later a short-haired young lady in a black pantsuit came zooming down the right lane in a red top-down Corvette, then abruptly pulled over against the curb, stopping alongside me, just short of the bus stop.

"Here's looking at ya, Kid," she said in her best Humphrey Bogart voice, which was pretty terrible but was funny nonetheless. It was also funny that even after years of practice it never got any better. I put my hands on the top of the door to steady myself, leaned in and kissed her forehead. Then leaned back to my previous position, and just watched as she casually finger combed her hair.

"Hello georgous," I returned in my best Streisand Jewish Bronx accent, it was the line from Funny Girl. She laughed, then bowed her head and closed her eyes for a second.

Just before she did that I thought I saw something in her eyes but before I had time to think about it, she raised her head, and with a twinkle in those same eyes said, "Luuusiiieey, I'm Hoooome!" Her Ricky Ricardo was excellent.

Well that caught me off guard! As I stood there trying to figure out why she had used that line, and how to counter it, we both watched as an old woman, entirely clad in black walk toward the bus stop. Though the weather was mild that day she clutched her coat tightly with one knarled hand, seemingly in a great deal of pain. Just as she reached the curb, a bus slowed, then pulled around Lanie's car into the bus stop.

The old woman hadn't stopped at the curb however. In fact, she had looked up at the bus as if to gauge its distance, then stepped off the curb straight into its path. I took off like a rocket, thankful my soles got a good grip on the sidewalk.

"LOOK OUT!" I shouted as I hurled my body at her. As I contacted her I instinctively wrapped my arms around her waist. My momentum carried us all the way into the next lane where fortunately there were no cars. We landed in a heap, and I heard a loud "oof". The bus driver hadn't even had time to honk, it happened so suddenly. As soon as he stopped he rushed out of the bus and ran over to us.

"Man, you move fast! I was sure she was going to end up under the wheels. Are you okay? I'll call 911." With that he ran back to the bus to get his phone. I was more concerned for the old lady, she was obviously in some distress, as she was turning very pale and sweating profusely. She looked at me, it seemed in anger, then changed to a sort of resignation, though she was still grimacing.

"Young man...Young man," she emphasized it the second time to make sure she had my undivided attention. Well she did, but I had noticed that Lanie was running over now, too. She arrived just as the woman began to speak, quietly to me.

"Listen to me. I have to tell you this before the police and ambulance arrive. I am old. I have no one...no wish to live. After nine hundred years my body is worn out...hard for witches to die...I felt the heart attack coming...." She paused to grimace as a wave of pain enveloped her. "...I decided...let it take its course instead of curing it. I stepped in front of the bus to ensure my heart couldn't heal itself and my body. "You interrupted...", she grimaced as she glared at me, "and you must pay!"

I was dumbstruck. Lanie looked as astonished as I, so I did hear her correctly. She claimed to be a witch, and she had just said she was going to curse me! She was obviously crazy, but I wasn't ready for her to be dead too. She might be somebody's grandmother. Just then she relaxed completely, and her eyes rolled back.

"Get her dress open! She's gone into arrest!" I hollered at Lanie as I shed my jacket and stuffed it under her neck. By this time Lanie had gotten her chest exposed so we swapped places and I started CPR. Lanie timed me on her oversized watch. We were still doing it when the EMT's arrived. I finally had to stop so the tech could get his paddles in.

"She's still got a weak pulse, thanks to you two, but it's irregular." he said as he swiftly worked. "CLEAR!" With that, he pulled the trigger, and she arched her back in the classic fashion.

"Pulse is steady! Frank, get the dolly." He was busy attaching the electrodes for the monitor, and soon they were hauling her away. By then, the police had arrived, and even interviewed the bus driver, so when I stood up it was my time to be interviewed by the police.

"Son," the grizzled sargeant concluded, "That was a gutsy thing you did. You were lucky that lane was empty or you both would have been killed. I hope the old lady makes it, but next time try to think of the consequences before you do something like that."

I asked him where they took her. By now our dinner plans were ruined, and I knew that Lanie was as interested in her well-being as I was. Soon we were at the hospital, where we found her behind a screen in the emergency ward.

"How did you get in here," she croaked. "This is a restricted area." She looked a bit better than earlier but not much.

"I told them you were my grandmother." She looked hard at me, then just nodded. She closed her eyes for a few minutes, then I saw that look of resignation again when she opened them. This time her eyes showed a lucidity that wasn't there before.

"I was wrong to say what I said earlier. You didn't interrupt me to satisfy your own needs. You were willing to risk your own life to save me from what you thought was a mistake. It's one of humanity's few good traits. In my line of work I don't see much of that, so you will appreciate why I didn't recognize your actions for what they were at first. I apologize."

"Please don't try to talk right now. Are you feeling better?" Her body looked a bit better but she was no less agitated than she was when she was lying in the street. She needed to tell me something and she wanted me to listen.

"I'm dying. It's taking longer because of you but I no longer hold you responsible for keeping me from my destiny. One of the constants in this world is randomness. Witches know that everything has the possibility to go very differently than planned. We also know that luck has a great deal to do with things. Much of magic is harnessing the two and directing them. You have a lot of luck-I can see it in your aura. If you learn to harness and direct that luck you will live a long and happy life. If you continue to fail, you will not." I opened my mouth to reply but she lifted her bony hand and pointed to me. "Listen! I'm not finished!"

"I will die tonight, but I am ready. Do not grieve or mourn, it is the way things should be. Thank you for allowing one of my last experiences with humanity to reveal the good in them.

"You have forfeited your dinner to come see me. That is not good, you must eat. Young lady, fetch my coat," she said to Lanie, pointing to a raggedy garment on a chair. Lanie handed her the threadbare item, and the old lady shakily pulled a small card from the pocket.

"There is a small chinese restaurant near where we met. You will go there and eat. It's where I eat on Mondays, and you will go in my place. Sit at the first table on the right. Order gin first. Yes I know that's not a chinese drink but that is what you will do. The owner will not charge for the meal. You," she pointed a bony finger to me, "will find luck there. It is up to you to make it good luck or bad. Remember, luck often comes in threes. You have experienced luck once tonight already and may experience it again. After tonight though, your next luck opportunity will be in one month. Depending what you do with the luck, you will either praise or rue the day we met. Now leave an old woman to die."

She leaned back, pressed the button on her pain drip, and closed her eyes. Lanie looked at me for a long moment, then motioned me out of the area. Reluctantly I turned and walked away. Tonight was just too strange. I was glad when we emerged from the hospital, and arrived at Lanie's car. I sat in the car and buried my face in my hands for a long while. If it had been anyone else with me I wouldn't have let them see the tears. Lanie put her hand on my arm and squeezed. It was typical of our relationship, she was the strong one while I was prone to emotional outbreaks.

"Oh Jamie. She said not to grieve. You barely met her. She said she was ready to die, and that really is what everyone does, eventually." She went on for a while trying to console me but I just felt miserable. Lanie finally decided enough was enough.

"Here's looking at you, kid!" This time it was as bad as always, but she added a goofy look on her face, so I had to laugh.

"Jamie, I just had an idea. The old lady was right. We haven't had dinner. How about we go to that place she said and eat. We can even drink a gin for her as a toast!"

That sounded like a good idea. As weird as tonight was, this would be a fitting end, and maybe somehow Lanie's suggestion would honor the old lady's memory.

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We picked up the glasses in a toast. Neither of us could think of a word to say about the old lady, Lanie was right. We had barely known her. Lanie looked hard into my eyes.

"Here's lookin' at you kid!" God, that almost sounded good! I looked back at her then gave her my own reply, delivered just as straight.

"You look Maaavelous!" I said in a perfect Billy Crystal. Lanie's eyes widened, then we both downed our drinks. Something changed between us, but I swear I couldn't tell you what.

The meal was excellent. After we had satiated ourselves, and spent an appropriate amount of time in after dessert conversation, the old man who served us came by with the small plate that usually held the check. It was empty save for two fortune cookies.

"Esmi die tonight. You sit in her seat so she sent. You good people. You American. American like fortune cookie so I bring. No pay for dinner." He bowed slightly, then walked to the back, leaving us alone in the dining room once again.

"Well what do you think of that?" Lanie was obviously impressed.

"It can't be more weird than anything else that's happened today," I said, as I reached over and handed her a fortune cookie.

"Hey, maybe that's your 'luck'," Lanie joked. "Let's open them at the same time, okay?"

I laughed, then agreed.

"Oooooh wabba dobba ohhhhh," I said mysteriously while I waved one hand over first hers, then mine. When I stopped, we opened them.

"Oh, listen to this! 'You will soon meet your soulmate.' Well, that might be interesting!," she said excitedly. "What's yours say?"

"Uh, it's just a bunch of numbers. Maybe it's some kind of code." I was studying it, it looked somewhat familiar, but I couldn't place it. I showed it to Lanie.

"Oh, Jamie, those are lottery numbers! Maybe that's the winning number for tonight. C'mon, we've got just enough time to buy a ticket at the bookstand on the corner." She grabbed our jackets with one hand, then my hand with the other and jerked me out of my seat. We were walking along the street moments later. I decided to just play along, she was obviously having fun with this.

I copied the numbers to the paper, then bought a ticket, two minutes before the deadline. The clerk wished us good luck as we walked away.

"What now?" I asked as we walked along. She had her hand tucked under my arm, so people assumed we were a couple.

"Duck into that sports bar there. They have a TV tuned to the right station. They're doing the news now, the numbers will be drawn in a few minutes."

We walked in together, found a booth near the TV, and asked the bartender to turn it up a bit so we could hear it. He did that, then walked over to get our orders. Suddenly I had a great idea.

"We'll both have straight gin, water chasers," I announced. The bartender looked skeptically at me, then Lanie, whose gaze and smile confirmed it, then he returned a few moments later with our drinks.

"To old witches and luck!" I said, as we clicked our glasses and tried to drink the gin. It was just as hard as the first time. Stifling a cough, we listened as the girl on the screen read the numbers off the balls as they came to rest in the machine.

Well it was fun when the first two numbers matched my ticket, but by the time she got to the last one, I was almost catatonic. Every single number matched! I just sat there looking at my ticket, I was completely motionless. Finally, I looked up at Lanie. She was sitting there, eyes as big as saucers, with one hand over her mouth.

"Ohmigodohmigodohmigodohmigod!" It was very soft and very fast, and I felt myself beginning to hyperventilate. Lanie was the first to recover.

"Quick, stuff it in your pants before anyone sees what just happened! And just SHUT UP!" she hissed the last part, which got through my addled brain. I did as she said, then we turned back to the TV as if mildly interested. I nearly peed my pants when the announcer said that there had only been one ticket issued with that number combination, so the entire fifty three million was mine! Lanie didn't have to tell me not to scream, my throat was so tight I couldn't talk anyway. A few minutes later the bartender came by again.

"Well, did you win?" When neither of us answered, he continued.

"Nah, of course not. Sometimes I think the whole thing's a sham. There's a fan at the bar that wants to see the game. Okay if I change the channel now?" I nodded but still couldn't talk.

"God, you're both turning blue! I thought straight gin was out of your league. Tell you what. I'll bring you some champagne I opened earlier. Nobody ever asks for that anyway, and if I don't use it it'll just go flat. And champagne with no bubbly is worse than cheap zinfandel."

Lanie called in sick the next day. Me? It wasn't much of a stretch, I was out of work anyway. She ended up taking the rest of the week off to help me get my head together.

She took me back downtown to a place recommended by the Lottery people. There we met with a financial planner and a lawyer, and set things up so my winnings wouldn't all go to the government for taxes. All that remained was to drive to the state capital and attend the formal picture taking ceremony. Having never won anything before I hadn't realized that in order to pick up your winnings you have to agree to interviews, pictures, and other PR stuff. Then, spend the next ten years hiding from friends, family, and old acquaintances.

After the ceremony Lanie rushed up on stage to look at the fake check they'd handed me for the photos. The money had been transferred earlier that day into my new holding account, but the check gave a sense of reality to the whole thing.

"Wow, Jamie, you're rich! I hope we can still be friends now. You'll probably want to run on and become a jet setter, and Monday I'll have to go to work and listen to my boss complain about the spot she got on her Pradas walking in from the private garage."

"Oh no you don't. Nothing changes between us. Yeah, you'll go to work on Monday and I won't but it's because I was out of work last week, before all this began. Things will be different, I just haven't figured out how, but nothing changes between us."

"Are we still going to Vegas at the end of the month? We've been going there for a week at Halloween since like forever. If we don't go I'll have to tell the boss I'm changing my vacation."

"Lanie, if it weren't for you this stuff wouldn't have happened. In fact, every time we get together my luck improves. And for the last six months while I've been looking for a job you've been helping me with the rent, and having me over for meals. If it weren't for you I'd be homeless by now. So yeah, we're still going on vacation, but I want to treat you to something really special."

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The white stretch limo pulled up in front of Lanie's apartment, just as she closed and locked the door. The driver ran over and grabbed her suitcases before she could lug them down the stairs herself. I was standing by at the curb when she walked up and I gave her a sibling-like hug and kiss.

"A limo? Who are you and what happened to my cheap-assed friend Jamie? Where did you stash the body? And where are you taking me?"

"Haha! Just for that I'm not going to tell you. You did bring your passport?" The driver had stowed her bag and was holding the door, so we entered the limo.

"Yes, I brought it. C'mon, tell me where we're going! Nice threads, by the way," she said as she ran her fingernail down the seam of my Brooks Brothers casual slacks.

"No. I'm not telling. And thanks, same to you. It wouldn't look good to show up where we're going looking shabby, they might revoke our reservation."

"Well, when your best friend sends over five thousand in cash to buy clothes for a one week vacation, it does get your attention!"

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I handed the limo driver at the Nice airport our luggage stubs, then watched from the limo when he emerged a few minutes later with our bags, destination Monte Carlo.

"Jamie, what is that long bag? Oh no, DON'T TELL ME you came all the way to Monte Carlo so you can walk the beaches with a metal detector! Twenty-eight mil in the bank and growing and you're gonna walk up and down the beach looking for broken earrings and bottle caps?" She humphed back in her seat, folded her arms angrily, and stared at me in disbelief.

"Relax, it's part of my costume, and I had an idea, and if it pans out I'll need a metal detector with a GPS on it. I didn't want to chance having to find one here. The typical tourist here has probably never seen one! Besides, it's just for one night. The rest of the time we'll be seeing how the other half celebrates Halloween. Besides, I'm going to help you to find your soulmate, like your fortune said. Might as well do it where everyone's rich!" She seemed to relax a bit, looked at me for a long moment, then slowly grinned.

"Yeah, that's right! Your fortune cookie came true that night, so why shouldn't mine?"

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It had been a great few days, relaxing on the beach by day, playing at the casinos by night, or attending the parties hosted by the hotels. We had even attended a costume ball wearing rented costumes. Lanie had talked me into doing something really wild. She went as a Chicago gangster, and I went as "his" gun moll. The hotel concierge had fixed us up with a costume shop where illusion was paramount at any cost. I'm sure the bill could pay to light a small city. Between all the appliances we were wearing, and the makeovers by the shop's artist, we found it funny that while everyone at the party knew we were wearing costumes, not a single soul seemed to twig that we were also gender opposite. Well I always knew she was butch, but this was something else!

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We were eating lunch in the hotel dining room. I was eating something that looked vaguely like sliced roast beef in a red wine sauce, and Lanie was pushing around some shrimp in some kind of salad. Neither of us could pronounce the name of what we were eating, but they were both very good, and went well with the wine. She obviously had something on her mind. Something big, and she was having trouble with courage.

"What is it? You've just about worn out that shrimp, pushing it around on your plate. C'mon now, out with it, we're best friends, and we don't hold back, right? R-i-g-h-t?"

She looked uncomfortable like I'd never seen her. She slowly put her fork down, then bowed her head for a second. The waiter started to rush over to remove her plate but I motioned him away. When she looked up she had obviously come to an unpleasant decision.

"Jamie, you're my very best ever friend. We've known each other since we were toddlers. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, and I know it's the same with you. I know you've never been very good with the girls, in spite of my expert advice, and I can't seem to find someone either. Oh I know we laugh about it, but it hurts, you know? And well, now you're really rich, and I'm just the same, and I'm afraid something's going to change between us, and I think you see it too. And well, the last couple days we've been together nearly all the time, and we've gotten even closer, and I'm worried where things are going." She paused with her head down then looked up and continued with tears in her eyes. "Jamie you've always shared everything with me, but there are a few things I've never shared with you, and I'm afraid it's going to come out and you'll hate me, and if that happens, I'll, I'll..."

"Whoa, whoa, girl! Hey, lighten up! I'm not going anywhere, and neither are you! Look at me. Look at me! We are two of the most screwed up individuals we know, so we have to stay friends. Why do you think we're here, playing like we belong with all these plastic people wannabes? No matter where we go we aren't going to fit in, so we might as well be with each other. Hey look at me. I might never have to work again, but the only thing that's gonna change between us is that it's going to give me time to really help you find that special someone. I'll die a happy person if I can help you do that. And don't worry about me. I have a plan."

Lanie looked across the table with a stricken look, tears streaming down her face. "But Jamie, there's something you need..." I interrupted her before she could finish.

"No, there's nothing I need, and nothing you need beside a mate. We're here in goofyville because I wanted to give you the the vacation of a lifetime. We've been here all week doing all the stuff you've told me over the years you'd dreamed of doing and I wanted to see you enjoying yourself. Tonight, we'll do one thing I wanted to do on this trip, and you'll be there to do it with me. After that, we'll go home, and things will get back to our version of normal. No more angst about what might happen, or what one of us might have forgotten to tell the other, okay? .... Okay?!"

We exchanged a long soul-searching look into each others' eyes, hers wet with tears, and mine shiny but slightly more controlled. Finally she let out a big sigh, and nodded. When we finally left the dining room I put my arm protectively around her. Any who saw us probably thought she was my sister. And they would have been right about that. Wrong about me perhaps, but right about how we felt about each other.

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The time was about eleven o'clock, in a bit it would no longer be Halloween. Lanie and I were both dressed in Halloween costumes again, this time she looked like a modern day Indiana Jones, while I was an updated version of Karen Allen's Marion Ravenwood. The costume people had thought I was crazy, and Lanie hadn't looked too sure herself, but I had been very specific. Anyone would have thought we'd left the party to walk on the beach. We had been walking around for about 30 minutes with a metal detector, playing fortune hunters. Considering the particular beach we were on, we looked decidedly out of place, despite the costumes. The near full moon illuminated the wisps of clouds high overhead. Only the small waves breaking on the beach made any sound, even the shore birds were quiet. I turned to look at Lanie, who was watching me curiously.

"Ready for the show? It's been a month, so today's my lucky day!" I told Lanie.

"What are you talking about? What show? Are we going to be out here long, I'm getting a chill!"

"Remember what Esmi said? She said I would have luck one month from the day she died. So I'm taking advantage of that, and hoping it goes as well as last time."

"Wait a minute Mr. Brain! She said a MONTH! she died on the first of October, so it's tomorrow, not today!"

"If you were nine hundred years old, and a witch, what calendar would you be using? I think she used a lunar calendar, and one month is 29 and a half days, hence today! Anyway, if it doesn't work, nothing lost. It's been a great vacation. At any rate, this won't take long."

I flipped a switch on the metal detector and the screen changed to a navigation map. A mechanical female voice said, "Proceed fifty feet west-southwest." A blue line appeared superimposed over the map.

I turned and we began walking in that direction. As we walked I flipped another switch, turning on the locator indicator. A soft beep could be heard every few seconds. Just as we reached the point on the map indicated by the little arrow, the beeper began to increase in rate, then suddenly became a standing tone.

"What is it?" Lanie asked. "Is there something under there? How did you know where to look?" Naturally she was full of questions. I reached over and pulled her waist until she was snuggled against me. I tilted the display, then pointed at the location.

"Look." She looked at the display, not comprehending, then back at me. I pointed to the display again.

"Look at the numbers. That's our exact location, longitude and latitude. Have you seen those numbers before?"

She looked at me questioningly, then turned her gaze back to the device. I reached for my wallet then showed her the strip of paper from my fortune cookie. Suddenly her eyes suddenly got big and she turned to me.

"Omigod, Jamie! Those are the same numbers that were on your lottery ticket!! How did you think of that? What's down there?"

"Well there's only one way to find out. Whatever it is, it's big, and metal, and not very deep." I turned off the noisy contraption, set it aside, then we both got on our knees and began to dig in the loose sand with our hands. Soon, we had unearthed it, a big silver platter and what looked like a silver gravy tureen, except it had precious stones inlayed into the metal at intervals.

"Lanie, hand me that tote bag I gave you earlier." I reached into the bag, and pulled out some metal polish and a polishing cloth. I took the tureen and bounced it against my leg a few times to dislodge the sand, then began to polish it gently. In a few minutes it was gleaming, except for one tarnished spot that didn't seem to come clean.

"Here, Lanie, you hold it so I can scrub it with both hands." I put a generous dollop of polish on my rag and started to scrub. A short time later the inside of the tureen began to glow, and suddenly we were surrounded by glowing smoke. Lanie was so surprised she dropped the tureen.

The smoke coalesced, sort of, into a sort of tornado shaped cloud, the bottom of the funnel seeming to emanate from the tureen. "Hey! Careful! That's my house you just threw down."

"S S S S o r r e e e e!" Lanie said instinctively as she jumped behind me.

"Now, which one of you rubbed my house? It does feel good to get out of there but you interrupted the reruns of American Idol! C'mon, tell me your wish, and let me get back to it. Oh, and you have to put me in a different location. That's the rules." He was standing, if standing can describe a lump of smoke with a face, with his translucent arms folded angrily.

"Uh, that would be me," I said, looking at the apparition. It just floated in air, waiting for me to do or say something else. It looked pretty angry too. I thought it would be thankful that I had freed it.

"Is that a genie?" Lanie whispered in my ear.

Just as I started to turn to say it the apparition became even more angry, as if someone had delivered the ultimate insult. Suddenly the sky went dark and clouds circled angrily overhead. There was lots of lightning in the clouds, and it looked to be building into a really big storm. The apparition just about doubled in size too.

"NNOO!!!" it suddenly bellowed as lightning boomed all around. The noise was deafening, and you could feel the percussion from his delivery. "I AM NOT A GENIE!! What do you think this is, Forty Days? I AM A DJINN! THAT'S D-J-I-N-N!! AND I AM NOT AMUSED! NOW GET ON WITH IT!!" While we understood every word, anyone nearby would have simply heard the rumbling of the thunder. Lanie was trembling. I squeezed her waist for reassurrence but I knew she was almost to the point of soiling herself.

"Now look here!" I responded back angrily. "I'm the one who rubbed your lamp, or bowl or whatever! I knew you were a Djinn, that's why the witch Esmi told us to drink gin, it was a clue. But she didn't say you'd be angry for letting you loose, all us humans have to go on are the Arabian Nights fables, so I expected three wishes and a grateful entity! Only one wish changes my plans considerably!" Well, I had to set him straight too, didn't I?

The floating visage changed considerably. He shrank down more to my size, and changed from the angry red to a more sedate lavender. He looked curiously at me, then asked softly, "You know Esmi? She sent you here?" He actually seemed touched.

"I met her. She's dead now, but she sent me here, sort of. Can we get down to business?"

The djinn resumed his imperious look, then said, "Very well, your wish please!"

"By the way, why is it exactly that I only get one wish? This is not what I expected!"

I heard shushing noises from the nearly apoplectic Lanie but I was not about to back down. What little I had read about djinns said I had to appear strong and not afraid, or they were likely to turn you into a toad or something.

"Oh, okay. The reason you only get one wish is because of all your American politicians. They're using so much smoke and mirrors to cover their tracks, it's put a world wide shortage of available magic. In short, all the available magic is going to PR" He resumed his angry floating thing with the arms folded. "So, your one wish, please? C'mon, hurry before the commercial ends." We could hear what sounded like a tiny tv inside the tureen playing a Ford commercial.

"Well, okay," I said thoughtfully. "Since I have to do everything in one wish, here it is. Now I know how you djinns like to stay to the letter of the wish but do something awful, and I know you don't care, but just know that if you do something like that I'm going to spend the rest of my natural days making you miserable. I think I'd probably start by baking that tureen..." I watched as he took on a look of horror, but I knew that he was bound to honor my wish, and neither he nor I could prevent him from doing just that. I just had to hope that I had him pegged. And I hoped he wasn't overly intelligent.

"Now don't do anything until I explain exactly how I want this wish to go." I stepped away from Lanie a bit. "My one wish, my only wish is that my best friend, sister, really, sees her fortune cookie fortune from exactly one month ago come true this very night, " I paused as I watched a look of complete surprise and horror fall across her face as she stepped back and started waving her arms. "My one wish is that Lanie meets her soulmate tonight, and gets married, right here on the beach, and before midnight. That's my wish."

The djinn looked at me with raised eyebrows. "You get only one wish and you give it to your friend? Are you sure?"

I was taken aback a bit. "Isn't that allowed? You didn't say there were conditions..."

"Oh nononono. There are lots of things you aren't allowed to wish for, but I was just surprised that you would want to give your wish away. The only reason I'm asking if you're sure, is because it's so unusual to find a human willing to do such a thing. After all, you could have asked for riches untold, or power, or...."

"Nope, just give me my wish, exactly as I phrased it." I then folded my arms in a mimicry of him.

"Well if you're sure, and given your deadline, and the paucity of potential soulmates on this deserted beach it's obvious you wish to be that soulmate, boy are you going to be suprised..." He stared at us for a long time, cross-dressed as we were. He then began to swell in size again, and he began to laugh in a ground-shaking rumble. Suddenly a part of the smoke that made up the djinn separated and turned a bunch of brilliant colors, enveloping Lanie. The laughter continued to gather in volume until you could see granules of sand dancing on the ground, and the smoke began to swirl faster and faster, ever faster, around us.

"My dear Lanie, you are about to be married! You need a beautiful gown!" With that suddenly she was dressed in a beautiful wedding dress, a bouquet in her hand, and we found ourselves to be standing in a white gazebo decorated for a weddings A sand crab had morphed into a preacher, complete with Bible in his hands. The Djinn continued,

"There's just one problem for you Janie, isn't there? We have to find your soulmate. Not just anyone, but someone who knows you through and through, and loves you anyway! And someone you've loved all your life but might not have even known it! But there's something else too, isn't there? A groom won't do it for you, will he? No, for you to be truly happy with your soulmate, you need a blushing bride! Well, we know who your soulmate is, don't we? All we have to do is make her your bride!" At that moment, all the swirling smoke surrounding Lanie widened to surround me too. In seconds it was over. I was now two inches shorter than Lanie, wearing the same gown as her, and clutching an identical bouquet. While her androgynous short hair looked much the same, I was now a blonde with wavy tresses going down my back. I instinctively knew that it was no illusion, I really did fill out that dress like that. We stood looking into each other's eyes. The Djinn wasn't finished, however. After a few seconds, he rumbled, "No, that isn't right, is it? He wanted you to be really complete, so that wouldn't really be Lanie, now would it?" Once again, the smoke enveloped Lanie, and a few seconds later she had morphed into a sort of composite of Tom Selleck, Leonardo DiCaprio, and maybe a bit of Robert Downey, Jr thrown in. God, he looked gorgeous in that white tux! "HAHAHAHAHA!!! Now, Jamie, you can be the soulmate, and spend the rest of your days servicing HIM in your shame! What a perfect combination!

Suddenly the smoke leapt back to the djinn, swirled around him once, then like the coriolis of water going down a drain, the djinn entered the tureen. Only an evil laugh remained to reverberate through us.

"Bwahahaha!! Enjoy your life Leonard and Jessica!! And don't try to bargain with djinn again! Next time it might turn out worse!"

Lanie, now Lenny screamed as he turned angrily to pick up the tureen, "You sick BASTARD! You turn us back!" He was angrily scrubbing the tureen with the sleeve of his jacket.

The laughter intensified, as the Djinn once more appeared in a cloud before us, but appeared to be drifting back into the tureen even as he spoke. "You silly humans! Don't you know anything? Anyone included in a previous wish can never again summon a djinn from his abode. And in fact, no one can summon me, until the silver of my abode is tarnished once again! So enjoy the fruits of your wish! Bwaahaahaahaahaahaa..." The last of the smoke disappeared as the echoing increased.

The echoing laughter finally faded, only for the preacher look at us and say in a sort of lispy English, "Shall we begin? Dearly beloved,..."

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Lenny finally woke and stretched luxuriously in our heart-shaped bed. The djinn must have thought it part of his joke to change our room to the wedding suite. He probably figured it would just be the icing on the cake of my humiliation. Lenny looked at me lovingly. I had been watching him sleep for a couple hours already.

"Well, I can't believe you pulled that off so easily. I wonder how long it will take before that Djinn knows he's been had?"

I looked over at the tureen, sitting atop the platter, still just shy of being perfectly clean.

"I imagine he knows. That bucket he lives in has pretty thin walls." I reached over and slowly traced Lenny's chest with my manicured fingers. I gently kissed his perfect nose on his square face.

"So, Jessi, how did you know about me? It was the one thing I never told you, and yesterday at lunch I was so afraid you were going to propose and I would have to tell you that I could never marry a man. Then on the beach, when you made that wish, when you told the Djinn to find my soulmate on that deserted beach? I was horrified because I knew what he was going to do to you."

"Oh, Lenny, how could I not know you were lesbian? And you were so butch, even when we were kids."

"So those goofy costumes? That was just to give the djinn the idea, wasn't it?"

"Well I couldn't leave anything to chance, could I? I knew we loved each other but I had to become a woman before you'd see it. I wasn't expecting that you were really a guy. I was all prepared to be your lesbian lover, but this is much better, at least for me!"

You know what? That STUPID DJINN," projecting his voice at the tureen, "didn't have to change me, But this is my ultimate dream! I'm just glad I bought the red 'vette instead of the white one!"

After we both laughed ourselves silly, he told me one other thing. "You know, that Djinn didn't change everything about me..."

"Oh?"

"Well, remember earlier, when we were making love, and I was finished? Well evidently, while other guys can only manage once or twice, my stamina seems to recover almost instantly!"

"Yeah, the djinn probably thought that would just add to my humiliation. Oh, how wrong he was!"

He rolled over on me then, and, well, you don't need to know the details.

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In a small town in Connecticut known more for its beautiful landscaping and mile long private drives than industry, a driver holds the door for a sharply dressed couple as they exit a black car and turn to enter their home. As the driver closes the door, the man stops and says, "Thanks Thomas. Take the weekend off. Take the car, and you and the Missus take in a show. Charge it to the account."

The couple then scurry inside to escape the cold night air. Entering the sitting room, the man turns a knob on the wall, and the lighting dims slightly while simultaneously the gas fire log ignites in the fireplace.
They turn to at each other in the firelight.

Meanwhile, a highly polished tureen now coated in clear lacquer against corrosion sits in the center of the rapidly warming fireplace mantel. A very unhappy Djinn attempts to turn down his thermostat to a comfortable setting. As he tries to tune out the laughter from the sitting room he considers, "At least it's better than that damned freezer they had me in last week. Pity the next poor soul to rub my pot!"

She says to the man, in a bad Humphrey Bogart, "Here's lookin' at you kid."

To which he replies, in a flawless Billy Crystal, "You look mahhhhhvelous!"