Chapter 16: Jealousy

The St. Francis Rehabilitation Center was located in a heavily treed campus of mainly 100-year-old grey-stoned structures. The buildings originally housed the mother house, living areas and classrooms for an order of Catholic nuns that once scattered thousands of devout sisters to the far corners of the world to succor the poor while seeking to convert them to Romanism. The order was depleted and now occupied only one of the buildings, used partly as the mother house and as a residence for aging sisters.

The Center itself occupied what looked like it had originally housed a school; while the exterior retained its classicism, the inside had been modernized and it contained the latest in medical facilities. Karen had checked the Center out on-line and learned it was rated professionally as one of the best in the nation. She was so happy to learn that; it would mean that Mark would be getting the best of care.

What astonished her was that the corridors and rooms were surprisingly cheerful, helped by bright walls and ancient huge windows that let in plenty of light.

Karen was also astonished at the cheerfulness that Patti Hamilton displayed upon picking her up at the 84th Street bus stop.

“You’re a feast for sore eyes,” Patti exclaimed upon seeing Karen. “You don’t know how happy I am to see you, Karen.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Hamilton, but I hope Mark is as happy to see me as you are,” Karen said, as she settled herself into Patti’s Chrysler Town and Country minivan, a newer model that still retained the white residue of salt that was sprinkled liberally on the city’s streets when ice and snow hit during the winter.

“Karen, shame on you, you know better. You know to call me Patti.”

Karen giggled. “Of course, but mother always taught me to respect my elders.”

“Your elders? Me?” Patti replied in mock anger.

“You’re in a cheerful mood, Patti,” Karen probed.

Mrs. Hamilton quickly swerved the car, avoiding one of the many potholes that pockmarked the city’s streets after the long, cold and snowy winter.

“Hopefully I’ll stay that way as long as we don’t blow a tire on these streets.”

Mark appeared to be getting stronger, Patti explained as they drove on. He was able to use the parallel bars for a few minutes the previous day for the first time, the strength of his arms able to propel him upright as his useless legs dangled along the few feet of the parallel bars.

“He had been reluctant to try them out,” Patti said. “But he’s got a lovely therapist, who’s been a good motivator.”

“Oh?” Karen said, wondering if he was finding attraction in another girl.

Sensing Karen’s concern, Patti said: “Don’t get jealous on me now, Karen. She’s a pretty girl, but not as pretty as you, I assure you.”

“It wasn’t that. I’m just glad he’s got somebody working with him who’s nice,” Karen said, realizing that her comments were only partly truthful. She was a bit jealous, she knew.

*****
“Oh, hi, Mrs. Hamilton,” a fresh-faced young lady greeted the two as the walked down the corridor of Mark Hamilton’s third-floor ward.

“Oh Theresa, how is he today?”

“Seems a little less happy than he was yesterday, ma’am, but then he really was happy after his walk down the parallel bars,” the woman said. “I think he’s a bit sore from yesterday’s efforts.”

Theresa was an exceedingly cute girl, Karen noticed immediately. The girl kept her short brunette hair in bangs that framed her face; she wore a dark blue free-flowing skirt and a beige long-sleeved blouse covered by a white smock. The girl’s ruddy cheeks and twinkling eyes exuded warmth and friendliness; they almost danced as if the girl was laughing. She was indeed a captivating young woman. Karen wondered if this was the therapist serving Mark.

“Theresa, this is Karen Hansson,” Patti Hamilton said. “She’s a friend of Mark’s. And, Karen, meet Theresa, the therapist I was telling you about.”

The two shared greetings, but Karen stiffened when she realized this was the therapist that was guiding Mark in his recovery. The therapist certainly was a cute, lovely young woman, Karen noticed. It was an awkward moment that Patti obviously sensed as well.

“Theresa’s been doing a marvelous job in getting Mark motivated,” Patti said, apparently hoping to break through the tenseness.

“I know you told me that,” Karen said, realizing her reply may have sounded a bit dismissive. Quickly, she recovered, adding, “Yes, thank you for doing that.”

“Maybe you can add some brightness to his day, Karen,” Theresa said. Karen thought the young woman sounded sincere, but also wondered if the remark might have been also a bit sarcastic.

“How is he today, Theresa?”

“Looking forward to your visit, as always, Mrs. Hamilton. I’ve got him up in a chair and dressed him up a bit for his young lady friend,” Theresa said, offering a smile to Karen.

“I told Theresa yesterday that you’d be coming today, but she kept it a secret, didn’t you, Theresa?”

The therapist nodded. “Mrs. Hamilton said you were a beautiful girl, Karen,” Theresa said. “And I can see she wasn’t kidding. He’s lucky to have you.”

Karen felt embarrassed over how she handled the meeting; here was a person who was doing her job in helping her friend, Mark, recover from a devastating injury, and Karen was treating her like the devil incarnate. Jealousy is such a terrible human emotion, she realized.

*****
As the two approached Mark’s room, Karen shivered as tension rose inside of her; she immediately began wondering whether the visit was such a good idea after all, and she thought that maybe she should merely tell Mrs. Hamilton to continue on to visit Mark, while she turned back. What would she say? What would Mark do? Could she damage whatever progress he had made in his recovery? Shouldn’t she have dressed in a more alluring outfit? A thousand thoughts tumbled through her mind, adding to her sense in inadequacy.

“I’ll wait out here while you go in to see Mark,” Karen said, her voice accompanied by a weak tremor.

“No, girl, you’ll come with me,” Patti said, grabbing her arm. “Now take off that coat, let me brush your hair, dear.”

“Really, you want me to go in with you? Won’t that shock him?”

“Possibly, but if I give him a chance and ask for his OK for you to come in, he’ll just say ‘no.’ It’ll do him good to see you, I know it, Karen.”

Karen nodded her head, realizing that Patti Hamilton was right. Deep down, she agreed with Patti that Mark truly wanted to see Karen, that his refusal to contact her had been to free the girl from any obligation to serve him and tend to his disability. “He just doesn’t want to become a burden to you, darling,” Patti told her several times in the past.

“You look so darling,” Patti Hamilton said when she finished brushing Karen’s hair so that it hung smoothly.

“I should have dressed up more for him, Patti,” she protested.

“No, dear, you’re fine as you are, believe me.”

Patti Hamilton grabbed Karen’s hand and led her into Room 314.

“Mark, look who I brought to see you,” Patti announced as she moved over to hug her son. Mark was seated in a chair, a blanket over his legs. A wheelchair was folded up against a wall.

Karen stood stiffly just inside the door of the room, the brightness of the chilly April sun flooding the room with light. She examined her friend; his face was pale, and his robust body seemed reduced in size as she remembered it. She had trouble seeing the expression on his face, since he was framed against the window and her vision was clouded with the brightness of the sunlight.

“I told you not to let her come, mother,” Mark said. His voice was flat, absent of any emotion.

“Now, Mark,” his mother pleaded. “She took the bus in here just to see you. The least you can do is to be nice to her.”

He said nothing, turning away from both of them to gaze out the window.

Karen moved hesitantly into the room, and said tentatively, “Hello, Mark.”

He still said nothing.

“Turn around, Mark, and at least say hi,” his mother commanded.

He still said nothing; Karen stayed stiffly erect awaiting Mark’s response. She felt alienated, a stranger in the room.

“Maybe I’d better go, Patti,” she said finally. “I’ll wait in the lounge down the hall.”

“No, Karen, stay,” Patti said.

“Let her go, mother,” Mark said, his voice taking on a cruelty she had never heard before.

“Mark!” his mother said firmly in reprimand.

“She’s so successful now that all she wants to do is to gloat over me or to pity me,” he said. “Get her out of here, mother.”

Karen burst into tears, turned around, and fled from the room. Fighting back tears, she burst down the hall in search of a public women’s room. Halfway down the hall she encountered Theresa, who stopped Karen’s flight.

“Ladies’ room?” Karen struggled to get the words out.

“Just keep going, third door on your right,” Theresa said.

Karen tried to extricate herself from the therapist’s grasp. “Let me go,” she pleaded.

“What’s wrong darling?”

Through her watery eyes, Karen could sense others in the corridor were looking at her, but she cared little for their curiosity; she was devastated by Mark’s reaction.

“Just let me go,” she said.

Theresa released her and Karen ran down the hall, bursting into the ladies’ room and into an unoccupied stall. She sat down on the commode and cried.

*****
Karen had no idea how long she sat on the commode, never having removed her jeans. Finally, the tears subsided, and she began to consider why Mark had reacted so severely, why he had rejected her with such anger. She wondered first whether Mark had come to the conclusion that he could never love Karen because Karen was not born a girl. Did he now consider Karen an imposter who cloaked a pathetic male body with a female exterior? That had to be it, she thought. Maybe, too, he had become enamored with Theresa; it was logical since the young woman was indeed attractive and obviously a sweet, caring person. Or, was there another girl back at Iowa State for whom he pined, a girl he told neither his parents nor herself about? Oh yes, that must be it, she thought; it had to be a cute cheerleader.

The longer she sat there the more these negative thoughts cascaded through her mind. She finally stopped crying; instead, a severe depression descended upon her.

Karen heard the outer door of the ladies’ room open and light footsteps; they stopped before Karen’s stall, and she saw a pair of white sneakers protruding from nylon-clad ankles standing in front of the door to her stall.

There was a light rap on the stall door followed by the question: “Are you all right, Karen?”

It was the voice of the therapist.

“Yes, go away,” Karen said.

“Karen, don’t be silly,” Theresa said firmly. “You’re not all right. Come on out of there.”

“I am, too, just go away.” Karen knew the tentative, weak nature of her voice betrayed her own sense of fragility.

“Karen, I know Mark rejected you,” Theresa said, her voice now taking a neutral, matter-of-fact tone. “But, Karen, I do know he still loves you. He really does. Come on out of there and let’s talk it over, OK?”

Karen was silent for a moment and remained in the stall.

“Are you in love with him?” Karen asked abruptly.

“What?”

“I think he must have fallen for you,” Karen said. “You’re so pretty.”

Theresa let out a laugh.

“Now you are being silly. Come on out of there and we’ll talk it over.”

“Let me sit a bit longer here.”

“No, Karen, now. If you don’t come out, I’ll get security here to take you out. You want that?”

When Karen emerged from the stall perhaps a half minute later, she knew her face must be a mess due to all the crying. She saw Theresa standing near the sink, patiently awaiting her.

“I’d better fix my makeup, but I must have left my purse in Mark’s room,” Karen said.

“I brought it for you, dear,” Theresa said, handing it over to Karen.

“You think of everything, don’t you?” Karen said, almost immediately hating her words, since they must have sound snarky to the other girl.

“Now, now, dear, clean up your face, and then you and I can have a good chat, girl-to-girl.”

*****
Theresa led Karen to a family consulting room, a small enclosure with a small table and four comfortable boardroom style chairs. Bright pictures of ocean waves adorned the cream-colored walls and a few small potted plants added life to the room. It was obviously a room that must have been used regularly to tell families the bad news about their loved one’s medical prognosis.

Theresa brought two cans of diet soda and small bags of potato chips and corn chips.

Karen didn’t realize how hungry she was, not having had anything to eat since her light breakfast before leaving for the bus. She chose the corn chips, welcoming their salty taste.

Theresa said she had learned from Patti Hamilton about how mean Mark had been in dismissing Karen from the room.

“You’re right about one thing, Karen,” Theresa began. “I deeply care about Mark, but not in the way you imagine. I care, first of all, since he’s my patient, and I must say he is probably my favorite patient. He’s trying so hard to gain his strength back, but, Karen, his injury to his nerves is so severe, it’s doubtful he’ll even walk again. But, then you know that. That doesn’t stop him from trying.”

“I know,” Karen said. “He’s remarkable.”

“One thing else I know about Mark is that he is a generous young man,” Theresa continued. “He seems always to worry that he is bothering the staff whenever he buzzes for help. He’s always nice to me, even when I push him too hard.

“But, he truly does not want to be a burden to anyone else, not to his mother, not to me, even though it’s my job, and certainly not to you, Karen.”

Karen nodded. “That’s what his mother said in trying to explain to me why he won’t answer my letters. But I began thinking that was just an excuse to dump me for someone else, just because I may not be what he wants in a girlfriend.”

Theresa smiled, and leaned over, taking Karen’s hand.

“Look, dear,” she began. “Mark has told me all about you, all about your transition, about how you two met and played ‘Hamlet’ together. That was the happiest summer of his life, he told me. He truly loves you, dear, but he’s told me over and over that ‘Karen’s too pretty to be tied to a cripple like me.’”

Karen began to cry again.

“You know, Theresa, he helped me begin my transition,” Karen said, finally gathering her control. “He could have laughed at me or beat me up, but he embraced me and encouraged me. He helped me find myself.”

“I know honey, and we must give him time, dear, to open his heart to you again,” she said reassuringly. “I know he will.”

“Do you think maybe he’s had second-thoughts about our relationship, since I’m not a girl in the sense that I was born a girl?” Karen asked.

“I don’t see an indication of that, Karen, and besides you are about as much a girl as I am, plus being much prettier,” Theresa said with a smile.

“Oh I don’t know about that, Theresa. You’re pretty hot yourself.”

“Aren’t we a mutual admiration society?”

They both giggled.

“Part of my work as a therapist,” Theresa then explained, “Is to work with the patient’s state of mind; it’s so important when it comes to his recovery. So, we’ve talked lots about Mark’s feelings, and I think he’ll trust me. Mind if I have a go at it?”

“Not at all,” Karen said, “As long as his mother is OK with it.”

“By the way, Karen, just to set your mind at ease,” Theresa said. “I’d consider being in love with Mark if I was ten years younger. I’m older than I look.”

“Really?”

“Oh yes, honey, and I have a seven-year-old son at home, too, and though there’s no man in my life now, I assure you it would not be a 19-year-old college freshman,” she said.

“I’m sorry, Theresa,” Karen said.

“No problem, dear. I understand.”

There seemed to be nothing more to be said. Karen and Theresa sat quietly together for a few minutes, before Theresa said she would return to talk to Mark; perhaps, she said, he might yet accept Karen into the room.

She excused herself, and Karen left the small counseling room and moved to the more comfortable lounge where a scruffy young, overweight man was watching a Milwaukee Brewers baseball game with the sound off. Karen had little interest in the game and tried to interest herself in a six-months old Time magazine, but found her thoughts filled with Theresa and her closeness to Mark. Karen couldn’t help liking the therapist, who seemed truly concerned not only about Mark’s recovery, but also about Karen’s own feelings. Yet, while Karen felt Theresa was telling the truth about not desiring to have any romantic interests in Mark (apparently due to the age difference), she could not help wondering if perhaps their closeness might grow into something more intense; affairs, and even marriages, between women ten years older than the man were not unheard of in the present-day world.

“Oh there you are,” Patti Hamilton said, interrupting Karen’s jealous musing.

“Hi, Patti, how’s Mark?”

The woman sat down in a green upholstered side chair, drawing it up next to Karen. “He’s OK, but Karen, I’m devastated as to how he treated you, dear. You deserved better. I’m sorry you had to make the trip, but I thought he’d welcome you.”

“That’s OK, Patti. I’m just glad I saw him, even if it was for just a moment. I truly hope my visit hasn’t caused him a setback.”

“No, of course not. He’s really pretty resilient, but he has his moments of depression now that he is realizing that he may never walk again.”

“But why does he resist me like this? Is it because I’m not a real girl, yet? I’m sure that must bother him.”

Patti shook her head in a negative fashion. “No, dear, that’s not it. I think he’s already had that battle in his own mind; you have no idea how hard he worked to convince both his father and me that you were a lovely, marvelous young woman. I know he’s right about that, and I even think his father understands that now. But you know Mark. He can be so stubborn, dear. I really think he still loves you, and really cares about you.”

“I hope and pray so,” Karen said.

“By the way, how’s school going for you, Karen?” Patti said, changing the subject.

Karen explained she was busy, since the pressure of preparing for the spring play was building. She said she’d also been chosen to be understudy for the lead in the play.

“Oh that must have been disappointing, Karen?” Patti said sympathetically.

“Not really, since I’m only a first year student. The part did go to another freshman, but she’s a friend of mine and she’s good, too.”

“Maybe, but I saw you act in ‘Hamlet,’ and I’d say you were pretty darn good.”

“Thank you, I loved that part, maybe it’s ‘cause I played opposite Mark,” Karen said with a smile. “I could read those lines of Ophelia and really mean it.”

Patti smiled. “I think that’s when Mark fell in love with you.”

Karen’s spirits soared for a moment, as she reflected to their summer camp time together; it was a heavenly time.

*****
“He’ll see you now,” Theresa announced, as she entered the lounge where the two women were seated.

“Really?” Karen asked, astonished.

“Yes, between Mrs. Hamilton and myself, I think we convinced him to let you visit for a few minutes, but I think he’ll put on a grouchy front, Karen. Don’t let it bother you,” the therapist said.

“Thank you, Theresa,” Patti said. “You’re a miracle worker.”

“It was both of us, myself and Mrs. Hamilton,” she protested.

Karen felt that it truly was Theresa who must have finally impacted Mark’s mind; she understood how sometimes young people shunned their parent’s advice, but would accept that of a friend or acquaintance or, Karen thought, of someone they wanted to impress. She immediately chastised herself for her jealous reactions to Theresa, who had spent time that afternoon to assist her in seeing Mark.

“You go in alone, dear,” Patti Hamilton said.

*****
Mark was sitting in a wheelchair; Karen noticed he had a fresh shirt on, a bright blue polo shirt, from which his arms protruded, their sinews defined and pronounced. His legs were covered with a blanket. His hair was neatly groomed, indicating that Theresa or another aide had dressed him up to look presentable.

“Hi, Mark,” Karen said simply. She stood at the foot of the bed, about six feet from him.

Mark turned his head away and stared out the window. He said nothing.

“May I sit down?”

“Suit yourself,” he grunted, still looking out the window.

Karen felt uneasy; she had no idea about what she should say. She hated saying all the usual clichés, that she was sorry (of course, she was), that everything will be OK in the end (when it was likely he’d never walk again), or that she was glad he was getting the best of care (which he was, of course).

“I miss you, Mark,” she said finally.

“Too bad,” he said.

“You miss me, too, don’t you, Mark?”

“Why should I?”

“Mark, why are you so mean? I miss you terribly.”

Finally he turned to face her:

“I’ll tell you why I’m so mean,” he said, his voice fierce and cruel. “You’re out there in school with lots of friends and I’ll bet you got lots of boyfriends, too, and they have two working legs, and I don’t. And now you’re going to be understudying the lead in that play. Soon you’ll be the lead in a play and you’ll be on your way to become a great actress, and what am I going to be? A hopeless cripple for the rest of my life. That’s all I’m going to be. Don’t waste your life on me. Just go.”

He turned his head away from her, and turned to the window again.

“Oh Mark,” she said, beginning to cry. “Don’t be so discouraged. You’re not a cripple. You’ve got a good mind and you can do so much in life. Who said I can’t love you? There’s lots to love, whether your legs work or not.”

She sensed he may also have begun to cry, and she rose from the chair, heading over to hug him, to comfort him, but he fought her off.

“Just go,” he said rudely.

“OK, Mark, but I love you and always will,” she said.

“Suit yourself, then, Karen.”

She rose, headed out of the room; as she reached the door, she turned back in time to see him sneak a look at her. There were tears streaming down his face.

“Get out of here,” he repeated loudly.

*****
Patti Hamilton drove Karen to meet her bus; the short visit she had with Mark enabled Karen to take an earlier bus than she had originally planned, which pleased her, since she had studying to do. In her disturbed state of mind, however, she wondered how well she would be able to concentrate. The two said little in the car, giving Karen time to reflect on Mark’s rude behavior toward her. Something bothered her about one thing Mark has said; he had indicated he knew about her being picked to understudy the lead in “Picnic.”

“Did you ever tell him, Patti, that I was picked to understudy the lead in our spring play?” Karen asked.

“No honey, I didn’t,” Mrs. Hamilton said, pausing in her comments as she carefully maneuvered the minivan through traffic in a heavy shopping area.

After a few moments, they had passed the congested traffic, and Patti Hamilton continued: “You know whenever I brought up your name, he told me to not mention you, so I told him nothing about you becoming understudy.”

“Well, how else would Mark have known that?”

“He did?”

Karen smiled. “Yes, he did, he mentioned that when he was telling me to leave him alone. That means, Patti, that he has been reading my letters. I mentioned the understudy role in my last letter.”

“I suspected he was reading your letters, Karen even though he keeps telling me he never reads your letters.”

“That means he cares about me, Patti. He does! He does!”

Karen couldn’t hide the excitement in her voice, almost laughing out loud. There was hope for them after all.

*****
“I’m in love, Karen. I’ve never been happier,” Ramini said, almost before Karen could take her backpack off.

“Aaron?” Karen asked, still a bit out of breath after her walk back from the bus depot.

“Who else, silly? Oh, I love you so much, Karen, for introducing us,” Ramini said, leaping up from her chair to wrap her arms about Karen.

Realizing that Ramini was still enthralled at having Aaron as a boyfriend, Karen forgave the girl for her repeated “thank yous” to Karen about introducing them. She took the tiny girl in her arms, feeling her tiny bone structure under the girl’s softness. Ramini’s dark eyes were sparkling.

“He’s invited me to go to St. Albert’s College as his date for the Spring Planting Dance, Karen,” Ramini continued.

“Wow, that’s nice, Rami. I’m happy for you and for Aaron. He really is a special guy, dear.”

“Yes, his sister will drive me there and back next weekend. I met her, and she’s nice, too.”

Karen nodded. “Yes, she is.”

“Tell me about your visit, Karen,” Ramini then said.

And Karen did, recalling Mark’s blistering words to her almost perfectly. Would she forever remember those horrible words?

“Oh, Karen, that’s so sad,” Ramini said, hugging her friend. “But at least you learned he’s reading your letters.”

“Yeah, maybe he still thinks about me, although I’m not so sure.”

“Oh, he does, Karen. How could he forget you?”

“You’re sweet, Rami.” And the two exchanged sisterly kisses.