Chapter 19: “Break a Leg”

Because of the constant pursuit by the press, Karen stayed with Jenny and the seven other girls who occupied a private house on the other side of the campus. Thus far, her new home had not been discovered. Angela had been shown on local television in interviews in which she denied knowing where Karen was; she was clever enough to give the interviewers a few tidbits about Karen to satisfy their deadline needs, but not enough to reveal much personal information.

“Thanks Angela,” Karen said when the girl had brought some of Karen’s clothes, her laptop and a few other materials to her temporary residence. “You’ve been a real friend.”

“Darling, you know I love you,” she said, kissing Karen affectionately.

“I know, and I consider you my best friend, but you know I want to leave it that way. I just don’t want us to be lovers. I’m sorry about that.”

“I know, Karen. I respect that, since I know how much you love Mark.”

The two girls hugged. Karen knew they’d be girlfriends forever.

The media, however, was not to be stifled in its quest to delve into Karen’s life and to seek out sordid information that would make her a subject of tabloid speculation. Though stories about transgendered women had become commonplace, the public seemed fascinated by the story of this onetime boy who had become a ravishing beauty and a potential starlet.

A television reporter and camera crew had accosted Cecelia Hansson and Karen’s brother, Sonny, as they returned to their Manitowoc apartment the previous day, thrusting microphones before them. Cecelia was equal to the task and stopped, raised her hand and said: “I will have one simple statement to make and that’s it. When I’m done, I’ll say no more and ask that you respect our privacy.”

“But Mrs. Hansson . . .” a reporter yelled out.

“Now listen closely,” his mother began. “Karen was always a very special child in many ways. She has always been generous and loving. We’re looking forward to seeing her perform as Madge. Thank you for your interest.”

Yells from several reporters were heard, and Cecelia was about to turn about and enter the apartment building, when Sonny moved and grabbed a microphone.

“Mom, I’d like to say something,” he said, his voice already having changed into the deep baritone of an adult man.

“No Sonny,” she protested.

Sonny persisted:

“Look, let me say that I am very proud of my sister,” he said into the microphone. “She is a courageous girl, more courageous than anyone I’ve ever known. I’m very lucky to have an older sister like Karen.”

With that, he thrust the microphone back to the reporter, grabbed his mother by the arm and led her back through the crowd of media people and into the apartment.

When Karen saw the episode later from the television station’s website, she smiled. Turning to Jenny who watched it with her, Karen said: “I’m so proud of Sonny.” She had tears in her eyes.

*****
During her morning break, Karen got a phone call from Jeremy, the leader of the Catholic campus chapel group that was planning the fashion show.

“We missed you and Ramini at the meeting last night,” he said. “What happened?”

“Well, you know I’m kinda busy,” Karen said.

“We knew that, but Ramini at least said she’d be there, and that you would try to come after your rehearsal,” the boy said.

“Well, to tell the truth, we told Father Jim about our transition and he was shocked,” Karen said. “And, he said we weren’t welcome.”

“Hmmmmm,” Jeremy said. “Well, I was shocked, too. I could hardly believe it. You really are so beautiful and we’d love to have you and Ramini model at the show. Remember it was your idea, and a good one it was.”

“But Father Jim didn’t seem too pleased with either Ramini or myself, and it’s no fun being where you’re not welcome.”

“Forget about him, Karen. We’re a campus-sponsored club and that means all students are free to join us, and that includes you.”

“We didn’t want to cause you problems,” Karen said.

“But, please, Karen, come back. We need you and Ramini.”

“Maybe next week, after the play is ended,” Karen said, finally.

“Listen, Karen, I’m going to talk to Father Jim,” Jeremy said. “I know he’s open-minded. It’s just that he’s got to deal with the archbishop on this, and you know how conservative he is.”

“I know, Jeremy, but perhaps the Church is no longer for me, particularly if they can’t accept me for who I am.”

“We’ll see, Karen. We’ll see.”

The two exchanged good-byes and Karen hung up. She was truly puzzled, wondering whether she should hold onto the religion into which she had been born or walk away from it and seek spiritual guidance elsewhere. Where indeed did the truth about God lie? Could she find truth in a Church that was hidebound into unscientific and narrow thinking, or would she find truth only in her own sense of being?

*****
As Karen attended class in the days leading up to opening night, she found herself constantly the center of attention, thanks to the publicity generated over her role as Madge. Other students in her classes kept eyeing her, apparently looking for signs of the boy she had once been; many of them made positive statements, telling of their support or stating how absolutely gorgeous she was.

Several, however, were not so generous, and sent sneering looks in her direction, and occasionally accompanied them with nasty comments. She tried always to walk with friends to and from classes, although that was not always possible.

On the day of dress rehearsal, she left history class only to be accosted by several boys with scraggly beards and torn jeans. A tall chubby boy moved in front of her, and as she tried to dodge him, another boy crowded her, forcing her to stop.

“Let’s see your dick, honey,” the chubby boy said crudely.

“Let me through,” she said forcefully. She had been instructed at the Gender Clinic that the best defense was to show strength and remain calm, even when she was terrified.

“You’re a sick person,” another boy said, almost spitting in her face. She could smell his foul breath.

She let out a loud scream, startling the boys; even they were smart enough to realize that her screams would sound like a girl was facing a rape attack. They quickly scattered, and several other students came to Karen’s side to assist her.

“Are you all right, dear?” a girl asked, moving next to Karen and holding her.

“Yes,” she nodded.

“You did the right thing,” the girl said, her eyes closely examining Karen. “Oh, you’re that girl. That girl in the news.”

“Yes,” Karen nodded.

“Well, you reacted just how a girl should react, dear,” the girl said. “You screamed. You’re quite a girl, do you know that?”

*****
It took a while for Karen to compose herself and she was still shaking when she entered the next class, a lab session in sociology led by a young teaching assistant, who asked to be addressed as “Mr. Everett.” Finally, the realization came to her that the transition into becoming a prominent person — while transitioning from male to female — would take much courage; she knew she would face more incidents in the future as she had that day. Then, again, she recalled: Hadn’t she faced such frightening moments before, when she had been harassed and nearly raped while still acting as a boy on the boys’ floor of the dormitory in her first months on campus?

“Miss Hansson,” a voice sounded in her ear.

“What?” she said, awakening from her daydreaming over the horrors she had faced and would likely continue to face.

“Miss Hansson,” the teaching assistant said, a soft-spoken young man with a neatly trimmed goatee. “I asked you if you had any reaction to the reading on the effects of mandatory sentencing of drug offenders.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Everett,” she said, recovering from her reverie. “Yes, I did. It seems the author was wrong to conclude that the recent drop in the use of crack cocaine meant that the mandatory sentences were a success. It seems other drug use has increased while crack has dropped.”

“She’s all wet,” argued a male student sitting a row away. “Talk to my dad. He’s a cop in Chicago working vice and he’ll tell you it has been good to get those crackheads off the streets and into prison.”

The classroom was soon engulfed in a full-blown discussion as to the benefits of mandatory sentencing, and Karen found herself soon engaged in the argument, seeming to lead those who agreed such sentencing was wrongheaded. At one point she found herself standing up, almost nose-to-nose in arguing with the boy, a tall, wide-shouldered young man with his light brown hair trimmed in a tight crew cut.

“You’re a feisty one, aren’t you, Karen?” the boy said. “Just calm down little girl.”

“Don’t patronize me, Mr. Polston. What makes you think you guys are any smarter than we girls are?” she said.

The boy — Adam Polston, by name — backed off, retreating from the accusation. “Look, Karen, first of all, let me say that I am aware of what you’re going through now, and I want to applaud you for your courage in the face of all this publicity. I hope you do a great job in the play, but you’re all wrong on this mandatory sentencing issue.”

At that point, the teaching assistant intervened, saying: “You two have engaged in an interesting discussion. So let’s leave it at that. Now class is about over, and I want to give my personal applause to Karen Hansson for her courageous decision to begin her transition and to take on an acting role. Anyone who cares to join me may clap for her right now.”

Everett raised his hands and began clapping, and within seconds the rest of the class stood and clapped as well, followed by a few whistles. The boy, Adam, moved over to Karen, took her in his arms and hugged her in a friendly manner.

He whispered in her ear: “You’re wrong about mandatory sentencing, Karen, but still, let me say, ‘break a leg.’”

*****
“Thank you, Adam,” Karen said as they left the classroom. “Your support means a lot.”

Adam smiled. Karen found his smile to reveal a sweet, warm-hearted boy, something that was not immediately apparent. Throughout the semester, Karen had viewed the large young man from Chicago as a sort of unthinking lout.

“Look,” he said, “When I came here I thought that girls like you . . . ah, what can I say.”

He began an awkward stutter.

“What, Adam? That we were immoral or something?”

“Well, I guess, yes, but knowing you just from class and seeing how real you are makes me wonder. I’ve looked into this transgenderism stuff, and I never realized what it involves,” he said. “You’re a strong girl, I can see now.”

“Thank you,” she said.

“And remind me never to get into another argument with you,” he said with a wink.

*****
Her brother, Sonny, sent a text message on the day of the opening night of the play to state that he and their mother would be unable to see her before the show and they would be arriving just in time for the opening curtain.

Leaving after mom’s work. Mom says “Break a Leg.” Not sure what that means. Hugs, Sonny

She met Ramini at a favored Indian restaurant at about 4 p.m., realizing that she’d need to eat something to keep her strength up for the performance.

“I’m so keyed up, Rami,” she said as the two girls settled down in the booth.

“I know, dear. That’s only natural, but you should eat something,” her friend said. Ramini was wearing a plain, grey colored sari trimmed in lavender, with a matching headpiece. She had been allowed to leave early from her job in the chancellor’s office, where she was employed as a work-study office assistant.

Karen finally, on the recommendation of Ramini, ordered a mildly spiced meat wrap and a small fruit salad. It was a modest meal, but Karen found it difficult to digest it; her stomach seemed in constant turmoil.

“The chancellor’s office is getting lots of heat from religious outfits and some right-wingers on your performance tonight,” Ramini said.

“I’m so sorry about that, Rami. I never wanted this to happen, and, in fact, that was why I didn’t care when Fenstrom originally chose Heather for the part. It took pressure off me.”

Ramini smiled, her dark eyes sparkling. It was the girl’s best feature; they literally danced when she was happy.

“The chancellor is standing up to them, Karen,” Ramini said. “I think she relishes the fight. She’s even had some big donors calling her about it, but I think she set them straight.”

Karen had been surprised by the support shown by Chancellor Thatcher, who had sometimes been portrayed as a university leader who was more interested in fund-raising than in academics or educational principles.

“I guess I misjudged her, Rami,” she confessed.

“Maybe you inspired her, Karen. You seem to inspire lots of people, including me.”

Karen was finally able to finish her meal, even topping it off with a mango sherbet that seemed to settle her stomach. Perhaps it had been Ramini’s gentle lilting voice that helped; the girl had been gushing with happiness since her weekend as Aaron’s date in the spring dance at St. Albert’s College.

“I can’t wait to see Aaron tonight,” Ramini said. “He’s coming in especially to see you perform tonight, Karen.”

“Really? All the way from St. Albert’s?”

“Yes, he’s staying with his sister, but we’ll spend much of the weekend together,” she said. “He sent me an email this morning, saying that he read online about you in the play and felt he wanted to come and support you, Karen.”

“That’s sweet of him. He’s such a thoughtful boy.”

“He is, Karen, and that’s just one of the reasons I’m falling in love with him,” she gushed.

“So soon, Rami? You’ve only known him a short while.”

“Oh Karen, I know him, and remember, you fell in love with Mark in just six weeks at that summer camp.”

Karen blushed. That was true, she realized.

“And, besides,” Ramini continued, “Aaron has already told me that he loves me, too.”

“Now, if I could only get Mark to say that to me,” Karen said.

“He does love you, Karen. I’m sure of it dear. But he’s confused now, perhaps still not sure of his own future and so worried about being a burden to you, or worrying that you want to be with him only out of pity, and a boy like him hates to be pitied.”

“I hope you’re right, Rami,” she said. “But, darling, I’m so happy for you.”

Karen rushed back to her room at Jenny’s place, showered and prepared herself to go to the theater for the performance. She was both frightened nearly into paralysis and eagerly excited, two emotions that set her heart to pound heavily.

*****
Besides the butterflies that tormented her stomach as she contemplated her opening night performance, Karen was still concerned about the demonstrations that might be staged outside the theater.

The leader of the hard-line conservative Christian group that seemed to be leading the picketing said he was disgusted with the reaction of the University administration (and Chancellor Thatcher in particular) for supporting the casting of Karen in the lead part. The Reverend Timothy Mitchell (though his own religious affiliation was sketchy) proclaimed: “This casting of a boy as a girl in a play by a public university is a slap in the face to all Christians in our great state. The decision by Chancellor Thatcher to support this casting is callous, anti-religious and immoral and is leading us into perdition.”

Mitchell promised renewed demonstrations for opening night.

Whitney Roberts volunteered to escort Karen to the play. When he showed up at Karen’s residence, he had a tall, muscular blondish young man with him.

“This is my friend, Tyler McHenry, and he’s going to join us to get you to the theater, Karen,” Whitney announced.

Karen held out her hand limply to greet McHenry, and was surprised with how gently the young man took her hand. In a soft voice, he said, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss Hansson.”

Flanked by the two men, Karen walked to the Theater. They were soon joined by Merritt King and about a dozen members of the football team, a few cheerleaders and scores of other supporters. They chanted out in unison “We love Karen.” In such a rousing style, Karen was led through the crowd of demonstrators and counter-demonstrators, assisted by the police, into the theater.

When she got to the top of the steps at the theater entrance, Karen turned and waved at the crowd, blowing the group a kiss. The crowd cheered loudly, easily drowning out the “boos” from the much smaller group led by the Rev. Mitchell.

Her eyes drifted briefly toward Whitney and his friend where she saw the two hugging each other and smiling. She gave them a discreet wave of “thanks.”

“I hope all those demonstrators won’t scare away the audience,” she said to a security guard that led her into the Theater.

“I don’t think they will, miss,” he said. “There really didn’t seem to be too many of them there to start and the police should be able to keep them at bay.”

“I’m so grateful for all the support,” she said, smiling.

“Break a leg, miss,” the guard said.

*****
“You were excellent, Karen,” Mary Ann Kelsey told her as she assisted Karen into a quick costume change during the second act.

“Thanks,” she said, struggling out of a simple print sundress she was wearing.

“Slow down, honey,” the costumer said, soothingly. “The more you hurry the behinder you get.”

Karen nodded, trying to get the panic out of her system. She loved the dress she was about to put on; in fact, it was more than a dress. The outfit could be described as a gown, elegant enough to be worn at a prom or other fancy dress function. In the play, the dress was described as having been bought by her mother in Kansas City to be used by Madge (the character that Karen was playing) for special occasions. The dress was of a light warm pink material and was cinched at the waist, with two-inch straps over the otherwise bare shoulders. The skirt portion flowed graceful down to the ankles.

“You’re lovely,” Mary Ann said, “You’re the picture of femininity.”

“I love this dress, Mary Ann,” Karen smiled.

“And you’re perfect for it, dear,” the costumer said.

Mary Ann was a graduate student in theater at the University and she specialized in costuming, having already been involved in several professional theatrical performances in the area. She even had her union card.

“Thank you, that means a lot,” Karen said, as she moved to the wings to await her cue.

*****
Karen’s performance that opening night would have been perfect, except for one flaw; she missed one line in a love scene with Trent Cole, a senior boy who played Madge’s lover, Hal. In the scene, Madge tries vainly to resist the charms of Hal — who is a ne’er-do-well, but captivating young man — only to fall passionately into his arms.

It was at this point where Karen, who had perfected an uncanny ability to move her emotions into the part she was playing, entered into an emotional reverie. She felt the muscular arms of the actor playing Hal, and began imagining that she was in the arms of Mark Hamilton; on stage, Karen burst out, “Oh Mark, I love you,” a mistake she realized immediately. The words caused Cole to tense up briefly, but Karen attacked his lips with greater passion, and in the drama of the moment the mistake seemed to pass almost unnoticed.

“That was quite a scene, Karen,” Cole said as the two left the stage at the end of the Act.

“I’m sorry, Trent. It’s just that I got caught up in the moment,” she said.

“I felt that. Who’s Mark? Your boyfriend?”

Before she could answer, she was accosted by Eric Fenstrom, anger flashing in his eyes. “What was that? If you can’t keep your men straight, you’ll be off the set, girl.”

“I’m sorry, I got caught up in the moment,” she said.

Seeing the backstage drama beginning, Karen saw Fenstrom’s wife, the onetime great actress Beatrice Peters, approach: “Eric, get off her back. She had the audience eating out of her hand in that scene,” she said to her husband.

“But to screw up like that,” Fenstrom said.

“I know she won’t ever do it again, Eric,” his wife said. “Besides, dear, I don’t think either Janice Rule or Kim Novak ever did that scene with more feeling.”

Fenstrom nodded his head, and turned to Karen: “She’s right, Karen,” referring to his wife’s comments. “Just continue with that passion in the next act, dear, but no more references to ‘Mark,’ OK?”

“I won’t sir,” she said.

The play ended with thunderous applause, with most of the audience rising to their feet in a standing ovation. For the second curtain call, director Fenstrom, along with two other backstage directors, joined the cast in their bows. Fenstrom gave Karen a warm hug as he came on stage to the joy of the audience.

The cast took their individual bows, with Karen and Trent holding hands to walk out in front of the crowd. Trent bowed to loud applause and when Karen curtsied the clapping became even more intense, accompanied by repeated hoots and whistles.

At the third curtain call, five grade school girls marched on stage with bouquets of flowers for the five young women who played major roles in the play. Karen plucked one of the roses from her bunch and presented it to Fenstrom, who gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

“You’re a star, Karen,” he whispered as they parted.

*****
Karen found her mother and brother waiting along with other relatives and friends as she walked out of the stage door about 15 minutes later.

“Sis, you were magnificent,” Sonny said, hugging her.

“Yes, honey, I have to admit getting caught up in the play,” Cecelia Hansson said.

“Mom, Sonny, I’m so glad you were able to make it. Did you see the whole play?”

“Yes, we got in just before the curtain went up,” her mother said.

“We’d have gotten here sooner if mom didn’t drive so slow,” Sonny said.

“But you got here alive, Sonny,” Karen chided her brother, remembering how he always told Karen (when she was Kenny) that he drove like a “girl,” a thought that made her smile.

“Now, children, let’s not fight on this marvelous night,” their mother said.

As they stood there other members of the cast and various individuals came by to praise Karen for her acting; several made comments, meant to be compliments, that alluded to her onetime boyhood status, “You made a most convincing girl,” or “I could never believe you’re still a boy under all that.”

Karen wanted to respond, telling them that she never was a boy and that she always was a girl, but she had been advised by Moira, her counselor at the gender clinic, to accept such comments in the spirit in which they were given and smile girlishly back at the person.

“Let’s go get something to eat,” Cecelia Hansson suggested.

The three Hanssons began walking to the front of the theater, when a voice sounded out, “Karen, over here. We’re over here.”

Karen saw Patti Hamilton standing to the far right of the front entrance of the theater.

“Mom, Mrs. Hamilton is here,” Karen shrieked.

She led her mother and Sonny toward Mark’s mother, wending their way through the groups of people leaving the theater.

“Mark’s here!” Karen yelled out, bounding away from her mother pushing others aside to move alongside the husky young man in a wheelchair.

“Mark!” she screamed, dropping to her knees to hug the young man, covering him with kisses.

Mark drew Karen forward so that the two could kiss; it was awkward and uncomfortable for both, but they seemed not to notice as their passions took over.

“I’m so sorry, Karen,” Mark said when the two finally broke their embrace. “I have missed you so much, but it didn’t feel right to continue our affair. You’re so beautiful. You deserve a life of your own.”

“Mark, my life is with you,” she said, tears beginning to flow down her cheeks.

“But I’m such a cripple, and will be for life, it seems,” he said sadly. “I tried not to read your letters, trying to put you out of my mind. I wanted you to be free to have other boyfriends, boys who could be complete and not like me, half of a man.”

“Oh, Mark, you’re a complete man,” she said.

“You were so pretty on stage tonight,” Mark said, seeking to change the subject. “Did you mean it when you said on stage that ‘I love you, Mark?’”

“More than ever. More than ever.”