"You're not keen on wearing a bra then?" "No, I don't like it. It's like a strap across my chest" The Price to Pay - Vol. 1.8 - Problems by Alys

"Celyn, these are excellent pieces of work," said Mr Williams my home tutor as he handed me back some of my work that he had corrected.

"Thank you," I replied.

"The English, French and Welsh are pieces of the highest standard and luckily for me they are the subjects I have taught. But the Maths and Science is quite a struggle for me to correct," he continued," I have a little problem though"

"What is that?" I asked.

"It's this...I haven't been responsible for a student as able as you before, most of the children I see are disaffected from school and their attainment levels are usually low. I worry that I cannot give you the support you need, to succeed in your external exams next year."

"I am happy with the work we do" I responded.

"How much school have you missed now?" he asked.

"It's been just over twelve weeks since I was there last." I replied.

"How is your treatment coming along?" he asked, I was surprised at the question as normally our sessions were school work only. Mr Williams was a former classroom teacher, in his late fifties, who did a little home tutoring to supplement his pension.

"Very well, thank you, I seem to be making good progress on all fronts" I replied.

"You do seem a lot better in many ways than the first time I saw you" he remarked. I smiled at this comment, sitting there in my blouse, skirt and tank top at my Mother's insistence. I thought back to the first time that he come to give me lessons when I was lounging around in a loose tracksuit with my hair only barely brushed.

"I wonder, if you're feeling better, have you considered going back to school?" he asked. I recoiled at the question.

"Well....I don't know...I'm not sure...it's not really possible. Sorry, I can't tell you why" I spluttered in my reply.

Mr Williams looked at me carefully and then turned his attention back to the work involved in our session. An hour later I saw him out with a promise to complete my assignments by his next visit in two days.

I made myself some lunch, cheese and tomato sandwiches, and sat down to watch episode 5 of the Firefly series that I had discovered in my parents' DVD collection. After a little while I found my mind wandering from the action to what Mr Williams had said earlier. 'Going back to school'. I couldn't see how it would work, but I definitely missed the company of my group of friends. I usually had a visit from one or another of them every few days, mainly Sion or Meryl. I didn't know what to do about Meryl, most times when she came we sat and chatted, listened to music, watched DVDs sometimes holding hands but since the time when we had watched Schindler's never kissing, except for a chaste kiss on the doorstep when she left.

The phone rang. It was my Mum.

"Are you ready yet?" she asked.

I hesitated until I remembered what she meant.

"Almost" I replied.

"I'll be there in ten minutes" she said before ending the call.

I rushed upstairs and rapidly changed into the summer dress and cardigan that my Mother had insisted on me wearing for our journey. The quick addition of some jewellery and I was by the door by the time I heard the beep of the horn.

Sometime later I was sitting in the consulting room of Dr Enfys Thomas the psychiatrist who I had been seeing since my surgery. We had met every fortnight since I had been well enough to come home from the hospital.

"Celyn, you look very nice today," she said, "I wonder if this is a sign that you are coming to terms with the changes that were forced on you?"

"Dr Thomas, I only wear these clothes because my Mother insists that I make an effort to look like a girl," I replied to her question.

"What would you wear if you were given a choice?" she asked.

"Jeans and T shirt and no bra," I replied.

"You're not keen on wearing a bra then?"

"No, I don't like it. It's like a strap across my chest"

"Take it off then, if you like"

"Are you sure?" I asked after a pause while I considered whether her suggestion was genuine. She nodded her assent. I stood up and turned my back to her, unzipped my dress a little way and then unhooked my bra and took it off.

"How do you feel now?" she asked.

"More comfortable, thank you."

She looked at my breast buds, noticeable under the dress.

"It won't be too many months until you probably feel more comfortable wearing the bra, strap and everything," she commented.

We continued to talk longer, while she asked me a series of questions about my emotional reactions to the hormones, my feelings about my gender situation and my general health.

"Well, Celyn," she said, as she completed her notes on the computer, “despite the forced nature of your transition you seem to be remarkably well balanced about your life at the moment. I am a little surprised.”

"Thank you," I responded, “the thing is that someone showed me a few weeks ago that life is always worth living, whatever the price you have to pay.”

I told her the story of Heulwen and her gift of life and hope. At then end of my tale we were both moist in the eyes and Dr Thomas has to dispense some tissues.

"That is a remarkable tale, what a brave girl. You are lucky to have met her."

We sat in silence for a few moments. Finally Dr Thomas looked at me and spoke again.

"I wonder if there are any issues that you would like to raise with me?" she asked.

I told her about my tutor's remark about school.

"Well that is worth considering," she pondered.

"How could I do that, the first games lesson would be a bit of a giveaway and what toilets could I use?"

"Yes, I can see the obstacles but maybe there is a way around that."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Let me have a think, I need to do some research. I'll tell you next time," she replied, “any other problems?”

"Yes, there is one."

"What is that?"

"It's my girlfriend."

"What about her?" Dr Thomas asked.

"She's in love with me........as a boy!" I replied pausing for effect.

"That is a problem."