Chapter Five: New Realities

“Mark, Mark, Mark,” Karen cried inconsolably as she watched the scene on the television screen, horrified at the prone figure of Quarterback Mark Hamilton — her lover — being quickly surrounding by teammates, coaches and emergency personnel

Her mother came in from the kitchen when she heard Karen’s terrifying cry and sat down on the couch, cradling her daughter in her arms. Karen’s body was shaking, as she snuck occasional looks at the television screens. The announcer described the scene:

“The coaching assistants, medical staffs and others have gathered around Mark Hamilton, providing a shield so that the people in the stands or the millions watching on television won’t be able to see what they’re doing. His parents and family are in the stands and they must be in terrible fear.”

The officials held up the game for more than 10 minutes, until an ambulance had been driven up along the sidelines and the boy had been strapped onto a board that would hold him rigid.

“We hope Mark Hamilton will be Ok,” the announcer continued. “I think I saw a leg move, Elliott, which is a good sign.”

Elliott, the announcer’s “color analyst,” added: “They’ll be taking him to University Hospitals here, but as of yet we have no indication of the extent of his injuries.”

“Mark Hamilton is a fine, young man, Elliott,” the announcer continued. “We talked with him yesterday and he struck me with his leadership qualities. He’s taking a strong academic load while playing football.”

“Yes, and he’s hoping to be an actor eventually,” Elliott said. “He told me he may get a lead part in a spring production at the University Theater group. I’ve been surprised at how his teammates have followed his lead, seeing that he’s only a freshman.”

“We’ll let you all know about Mark Hamilton’s situation as soon as we can,” the announcer said. “Meanwhile, we have these messages.”

The television cut again to commercials.

*****
Iowa State — perhaps motivated by concern for their injured player — held on to win the game over the highly-favored opponent. Without Mark Hamilton’s skills, the team was unable to score any more points, but their defense rose to head off the frantic play of the other team. The player who caused Mark’s injuries was not ejected from the game.

“It’s rough game, and the hit was legal, but the guy’s so strong that when his helmet cracked into Mark’s neck area, it must have done something,” Sonny explained.

“Why do they let such brutes play?” Karen said, red-eyed from crying.

“Because he’s good, Karen. Sokolowski is a probably All-American at defensive end.”

“I don’t care. He’s a brute. Why does Mark have to play such a game?”

The game ended without any word about Mark’s injuries, other than the announcer’s statement that he was “in the hospital for observation.”

As the game ended, the phone rang. Cecily Hansson picked it up and talked briefly with the caller. She came into the living room and approached Karen: “It’s Angela. She watched the game. She’d like to stop by and be with you. Would you like that, honey?”

At first Karen shook her head “no,” but Sonny intervened: “Why not let her come over, sis? She’s your best friend. It might help.”

She looked at her brother; what a sweet brother he had become. Maybe Sonny was right. “Yes, mom, tell her it’s Ok.”

*****
“You must be devastated,” Angela said, as she Karen opened the door to her friend about 30 minutes later.

Angela took off her parka and gathered Karen in her arms, gathering her tightly against her Green Bay Packer sweater shirt. Karen’s nostrils picked up the girl’s soapy, clean scent, so familiar from their love-making times together. Karen felt comfortable in the other girl’s strong arms, so protective and secure.

Even in this situation, Karen continued hold back on the sexual urge she felt for Angela. She also felt that Angela must have the same sentiments, but to the credit of both young women their hugs that day expressed nothing more than providing comfort for Karen’s obvious grief. Even the hint of a sexual desire for the other girl bothered Karen, smacking so strongly of a disloyalty toward Mark’s love.

“I know you love him so much, Karen,” she said. “I admit that even I cried as I saw him on the ground.”

“Thank you, Angela, you’re so sweet.”

They moved to the couch, sitting next to each other with Angela holding Karen’s hands. Sonny sat in a side chair, watching still another bowl football game with the set on “mute.”

“I been wondering if I should call his cell phone,” Karen said softly to her friend. “Mom says I should wait for a call.”

“They haven’t said anything about how badly he’s hurt on TV yet,” Sonny said.

“Mom says I shouldn’t call and that I should get word soon, if not from Mark, maybe from his mom,” Karen said.

“She’s probably right, but I don’t think it would be wrong to call in about an hour,” Angela said.

A few minutes later, Aaron called to express his sympathy to Karen; she began to cry again, even though she appreciated the call and his concern.

“I sure wish Aaron could get a good girlfriend,” she told Angela when the call ended. “He’s smart and caring.”

“Don’t look at me,” Angela said, with a laugh.

Karen smiled at her lesbian friend, and then burst out laughing. It was a momentary sweet moment among friends.

*****
Mark’s mother called shortly thereafter; it was obvious the woman was badly broken up. She had trouble talking, and the conversation was brief.

“Mark is conscious now, Karen, and the first words out of his mouth were to tell me to call you and tell you he’ll be all right and that he loves you, dear,” she said haltingly.

“Thank you, Mrs. Hamilton. I’ve been so concerned.”

“Luckily Mark has your phone number on his cell phone and that’s what I’m using to call you. He’s got a strong spirit, Karen.”

“I know he does, and I love him so. Please tell him for me.”

Karen burst into tears and an uneasy silence continued on the phone.

“Oh honey,” his mother said finally. “But we don’t know yet how badly he’s hurt. He’s in an operating room now. There’s a question about his legs, but everything’s premature. Oh darling, I so wished he hadn’t played football, but he loved it so.”

“I know ma’am. I hated him playing that game, too.”

“Oh sweetie, he was so happy doing it, too. By the way, call me Patti.”

Mark’s mother said she’d call once they got further news, and Karen said to call regardless of the hour. She got Patti Hamilton’s cell phone number so that the two could keep in touch.

*****
Karen refused to look at repeated news clips showing the crushing hit that Sokolowski put onto Mark; it had become the most oft-seen television scene of the entire college football season. She nestled next to Angela for a while, crying off and on, trying to maintain a strong front, but her mind kept turning to Mark, his always warm and loving manner and his bright eyes. She imagined that he must be so disappointed, since it appeared that his promising football career may be at an end; there was even a possibility he might be injured for life, ruining his chance at an acting career — also one of his lifetime goals.

She wanted to rush down to the Florida hospital and hug and kiss the young man, telling him how much she loved him, as if that in itself would instantly restore him to his former self.

Karen mulled whether to call Patti Hamilton since she awoke from her fitful sleep early the next morning, but her mother counseled against it.

“Really dear,” Cecelia Hansson said. “There’s probably not any news yet, anyway. You know how many tests they like to do before telling you anything.”

Karen realized her mother was right; Patti Hamilton sounded sincere the previous night in promising she’d call when the family knew more about Mark’s condition.

Nonetheless, it was a nervous morning and early afternoon for Karen; she tried cleaning her room, only to realize that due to her always fastidious nature there wasn’t much cleaning that needed to be done. She sat down to crochet, but grew impatient, even uncharacteristically missing a few stitches, causing her to backtrack and unravel her work.

“Fuck,” she said, using a word that rarely crossed her lips.

Even a visit with Aunt Harriet across the hall failed to comfort her; the image of Mark in a hospital bed all trussed up and wired with tubes and cords haunted her.

“He’ll be flying back to Milwaukee in a day,” Patti Hamilton said, finally calling about mid-afternoon, just as Karen was readying herself to go to work.

“How is he, Mrs. Hamil . . . ah . . . Patti?”

“Not too bad, actually,” she said. “He’s a bit groggy from all the medication they’ve given him. So he’s not in much pain.”

“That’s good. I’m so worried about him,” she said, successfully holding back her crying.

“I know you are, dear, and he doesn’t want you to worry; he said he’ll be Ok.”

“Can he talk to me?”

“Maybe in a little while,” Patti Hamilton said. “I’m out in the lounge area, and Mark’s having more tests done. I won’t lie to you, dear. It appears the injuries are quite serious.”

“Oh no,” Karen screeched, causing her mother to come in from the other room.

“But his mind and head seem fine. Time will have to tell us how permanent his injuries are, it seems. Right now, he’s having trouble moving his legs, but that could be temporary trauma, the doctors have said. Once we get home we’ll be putting him in a top-rated hospital in Milwaukee that specializes in such injuries.”

“Poor Mark,” Karen said, realizing her crying wouldn’t help the situation.

Karen explained she was going to work, but suggested that Mrs. Hamilton call her on her cell phone once Mark was able to talk. “I’ll get someone to cover for me when you call,” she said.

*****
Mark Hamilton’s injuries in a nationally-televised football game became a topic of national discussion. Instantly there was speculation that the young football player would be crippled for life; there were calls from some to charge Sokolowski with assault while others even called for an end to college football. Still others, mainly football fans, who treated the affair with a “ho-hum” attitude, said that injuries were endemic to the game; players knew that when they put on the uniform, they said.

In the restaurant, Karen’s co-workers noticed the girl did not exhibit her usual up-beat spirit, though Karen had been determined to work as if nothing had happened, hoping that her work would relieve her grieving over Mark.

Only Sharon and Beatrice knew about Karen’s relationship with Mark and both expressed their sorrow over the incident, and diplomatically probed the girl no further.

“Would either of you watch my tables if I get a call from Mark or his mother?” she asked the two.

“Of course, dear,” Sharon said, hugging her. The three had just punched in to begin working as the lunch rush crowd was about to begin.

It was a moderately busy day, and Karen worked as if she were a robot, mechanically introducing herself to customers as “My name is Karen and I’ll be your server today. Are you ready to order? May I get you something to drink first?”

She worked mindlessly, hardly noticing her customers as they ordered. Several regulars sat down at her tables, but Karen greeted them like all the others, as if she had never seen them before. Karen had become a favorite of a number of the restaurant customers due to her always friendly and personal greetings. She had made a practice of learning her customers’ names and their likes and dislikes.

“What’s bothering you, dear?” pressed Mrs. Courtney, a silver-haired lady who ate several times a week with her husband, a bent, old man who required a walker.

“Oh?” Karen said, as if startled out of a trance. “Sorry, Mrs. Courtney. Guess I was day-dreaming.”

“Something’s troubling you, I can see,” the woman said gently.

Karen quickly recovered, and said: “I’m fine, ma’am, and it’s nice to see you on Mr. Courtney out on such a cold day.”

“Thank you, dear. Sam always likes coming here, particularly when you’re working,” she said with a mischievous wink.

The old man’s face grew red: “You always make an old man’s heart leap for joy,” Sam croaked.

“Now, Sam, quit that,” his wife said. “He still thinks he can excite pretty young ladies.”

Karen smiled: “He’s a charmer and I bet he broke many hearts when he was young until he met you, Mrs. Courtney.”

“Will you marry me, Karen?” the old man said.

“This is hardly the place to propose, sir,” Karen said. All three laughed.

“You folks want the usual?” she said.

They nodded, and Karen felt a bit comforted for the first time that day. How she loved older couples like the Courtneys who seemed to still be in love after many years; even a debilitating disability as the old man had seemed not to stifle their ability to enjoy life and each other. Would that happen eventually to herself and Mark, she wondered?

*****
Fortunately, Mrs. Hamilton called during Karen’s break; she had been sitting in the back at the employee’s table with Beatrice who was trying without much luck to comfort Karen in her worries over Mark’s injuries. Mercifully, the girl resisted quoting Scripture or using meaningless platitudes in her efforts.

Karen was grateful for Beatrice’s growing understanding that not all persons shared her passion for the Word of God, even though they may still be decent persons. Karen excused herself from the table and walked to a quiet corner of the backroom to talk.

“Mark wants to talk to you, dear,” Patti Hamilton said. “He’s pretty weak and not too coherent so he can’t talk long.”

“I understand, Mrs. Hamilton.”

There was a pause and Karen could hear that there was some fumbling with the phone; apparently Mrs. Hamilton had to hold the phone to Mark’s ear.

“Hi, Karen.” His voice was hardly audible.

“Hi, darling,” Karen responded, speaking slowly and directly, trying to hold back any of the emotion that she felt.

“I wish . . .” Mark paused.

“That’s Ok, Mark. I am so happy to hear your voice.”

There was a pause, and Karen could hear heavy breathing. “Wish you were here with me,” Mark said his words muffled and hardly understandable.

Karen fought back tears; she didn’t want Mark to hear her crying. “I love you, Mark, and know you’ll be strong.”

“I . . . luff . . . you, too,” he said.

There was a pause, and Mrs. Hamilton came back on the line. “I think that’s about all he has the strength for now, dear,” she said.

“I understand and don’t want to weaken him, Patti.”

Patti Hamilton said she’d call later when she could talk more openly and after they had more information as to the extent of his injuries.

Karen was devastated; she began crying in earnest as she closed her cell phone up, terminating the call. Beatrice, who had been watching from across the room, got up and hugged the girl, pulling her tightly against herself, permitting Karen to cry softly, her sobs muffled as she buried her head into Beatrice’s neck area.

“What’s happened to her?” It was the voice of George Alexopoulos, the Olympus owner.

“She’s had some bad news, George,” Beatrice replied. “I’m just comforting her.”

“Oh, does she want to go home?” he said sympathetically. “Did someone die or something?”

Hearing the restaurant owner’s concern, Karen shook her head and worked at stopping her tears.

“No, nothing like that,” Karen said, freeing herself from Beatrice’s clutches. “I can work, George.”

“You’re sure, Karen? I noticed you haven’t been your cheerful self here today.”

Karen took a tissue from Beatrice and wiped her eyes. “I’ll be fine, sir. I just need a few minutes. It’ll do me good to work.”

“Ok, Karen, but you can leave if you feel you want to, dear,” he said.

“Yes, Sharon and I can cover your tables, Karen,” Beatrice assured her.

“I’ll be Ok, George. I just need a few minutes. Thank you.”

*****
Mrs. Hamilton called about 9 p.m. that night, after Karen had gotten home and changed into her nightgown, robe and slippers. She was pinning her hair up when her cell phone rang. It was apparent Mark’s mother had been crying.

“Patti?” Karen said, using his mother’s first name. “It sounds bad.”

“It is, dear,” she said. “I feel I must be honest with you.”

“Is he . . . ah . . ?”

“Oh dear, yes, he’s alive, dear, but I’m afraid he may never walk again.”

“What?” Karen said, only to break into silence.

She could hear his mother begin to sob. Karen felt ready to cry as well, but she held it in, saying softly into the phone. “That’s Ok, Patti. Just take your time.”

“You’re so sweet, dear,” Mrs. Hamilton said finally.

“I love him so.”

“I know you do, dear. But we’ve just been told he’s had a terrible spinal injury, perhaps permanently damaging his nerves. The doctors seem pretty certain he’ll never walk again,” although his upper body seems strong.”

The seriousness of the injury finally hit Karen. Mark would never walk again! How could that be? He must be devastated, she thought. Oh, how she wished she were there to hug him and assure him of her love.

*****
Mark Hamilton was flown back to Milwaukee three days later; it was a dramatic flight, requiring a medical team to place him aboard a private plane, whose use was donated by a prominent Iowa State alumnus. A nurse accompanied Mark and his parents to Milwaukee, where an ambulance took him to the area’s renowned medical center.

“Football star returns home for treatment,” headlined the Milwaukee newspapers, complete with photos, including a picture of a smiling Mark, prone on the stretcher, giving a “thumbs up” for the photographer.

Later, during an interview in the hospital with two sportswriters, one from Milwaukee and the other from Des Moines, Mark was asked if he bore any ill will to Gene Sokolowski, the player who hit him so severely.

“I don’t wish him to be penalized for playing hard,” Mark was quoted as saying. “I’m just glad that Hayden [backup quarterback Ken Hayden] played so great in my absence and we won.”

Karen read the Milwaukee paper at the break table in the restaurant, and turned to Sharon commenting: “That’s my Mark. Always so forgiving and generous.”

“He says he thinks he’ll be able to play again,” Sharon commented, referring to a statement in the newspaper made by Mark.

“I know, but I hope he doesn’t,” Karen said. “I can’t bear to see him hurt again.”

“I think he’s too optimistic,” Sharon said. “The doctors right now are quoted as saying the first challenge will be to see if he will be able to ever walk again.”

Karen nodded, realizing her friend was correct. Mark always was optimistic about things, even when rehearsals were going badly in the Summer Camp play. It was his spirit, she felt, that helped her perform at the high level she did.

“He’ll be devastated if he can’t play football, I know,” Karen said. “But if anyone can rise above this injury, he can.”

“I know, honey,” Sharon said, putting an arm around Karen, hugging her warmly.

Mark sounded cheerful in the several phone calls he and Karen shared in the days after his return. Karen was pleased that she never cried while the two talked, but almost immediately she broke into tears after hanging up. What surprised her was that Mark spent most of the conversation asking questions about Karen, about her college life and her job at Olympus. He wondered about the process of her transition, encouraging her in the coming changes of life.

“Don’t worry about me, Karen,” he said whenever she asked questions about how he was doing.

Two days before she was due to return to the University, she informed Mark in their call that she planned to drive down to Milwaukee to visit him in the hospital.

“Don’t waste your time on me, Karen,” he said. “You’re a beautiful, talented and lovely girl and I’m just a broken up cripple.”

“Oh, Mark, don’t say that! You’re the sweetest man I ever met and I love you, Mark,” she said.

“Please don’t, Karen. I’m no good anymore,” he said. She could hear his voice beginning to crack, as if he was about to cry.

For the first time in their talks, she cried. The tears flowed so quickly, and the two young people said nothing, their sobbing filling the phone lines.

Finally, Karen said: “I have tomorrow off and mom said I could drive down to Milwaukee to see you. My brother Sonny is joining me and I’ll not take ‘no’ as an answer. I’m coming!”

“Wow. You’re a determined girl,” he said.

“Yes, and I’ll see you after lunch tomorrow, whether you want me or not.”

She heard Mark respond with a slight laugh. “Well, I guess I have no choice. I won’t look very nice in this bed, so don’t be disappointed.”

“Silly. How could I be disappointed in seeing you? I can’t wait.”

*****
Karen and Sonny reached the medical complex just after lunch, and after several wrong turns in the vast jungle of buildings, they found the parking garage adjacent to the hospital in which Mark was being treated.

“Sis, that’s the fastest I’ve ever seen you drive,” Sonny said, using the teasing tone that had become his trademark in dealing with his sister.

“I’m getting better, Sonny,” she said.

“I guess being in love gives you some guts,” he said.

The drive down to Milwaukee had been a tricky one, since the highway ran alongside the shore of Lake Michigan and light snow flurries drifted across the highway threatening to settle into slippery spots. Karen’s growing skills at the wheel seemed to pay off and she was careful to be alert to any changes in the road surface and was still able to maintain a decent pace. Since she began transitioning, Karen and her brother seemed to have gotten closer, friendlier. Sonny seemed to be proud of the lovely person his older sister had become, even to the point of bragging about her to his friends. No longer was she the sissy Kenny that he had been ashamed of.

“I’m so glad you made it,” Patti Hamilton said, greeting them in the family lounge that served the neurological floor of the hospital. “Mark’s being given another MRI, but should be back soon.”

The two women hugged each other, and both began to cry; their sobs were silent ones and continued as they held each other. Karen found herself becoming fond of Patti Hamilton, of her profound concern for her injured son, as well as her worry over Karen’s feelings. Even Sonny, her cynical teenager brother, seemed affected by the emotion of the moment.

They sat together in the family lounge, Mrs. Hamilton holding Karen’s hands, as she described the treatments that Mark was receiving, as well as the gratitude she had for the administration of Iowa State University and the wealthy alumnus who provided the private plane to make Mark’s trip to Milwaukee more comfortable.

“Under college recruiting rules,” she explained, “it means Mark will lose his eligibility to play sports anymore at the college level.”

“Oh, that’s awful. Why?”

“Because he will have accepted something of value from an alumnus.”

“That seems unfair,” Sonny interjected. “My gosh, he was injured playing for the school. Wouldn’t his health have made that a necessity?”

“Possibly, and the ISU athletic director said he’d argue that if it appeared Mark would ever recover enough to play again,” Patti said.

Karen looked directly at Mrs. Hamilton. “But that doesn’t seem likely, does it?” she asked.

“Not really. He’s pretty badly injured.”

Just then a nurse popped her head into the lounge. “Your son’s back in his room, Mrs. Hamilton.”

“You go in alone, Karen,” his mother suggested as they neared Mark’s room. “You can have a few minutes with him by yourself, dear.”

Karen smiled at the woman; her kindness and consideration for Karen overwhelmed her.

Mark was flat on his back, an IV drip attached to his arm, while a traction rig was set up, with weights attached to both of his ankles.

Mark’s head was turned toward a window and Karen’s entrance was so quiet he had not heard her approach. He was startled by her voice, and turned to look at her, grimacing in pain as he tried to raise his head.

“My darling,” she said rushing to his side.

“Karen,” Mark said weakly, his voice hardly rising above a whisper.

His pale, weak look depressed her, but she noticed his eyes widen and gain a bit of sparkle as he looked at her.

Karen had dressed in a school girl outfit, a pleated below-the-knee plain navy blue skirt over black thick leggings, a light blue satin blouse and v-neck lavender fluffy sweater. A three-strand pearl necklace hung about her neck and she had let her light brown hair hang loosely about her shoulders, with bangs drifting to one side.

“Oh, you’re . . . lovely,” his voice faltered as he looked at her.

Karen felt she would burst into tears, but she knew she must be strong before Mark. It was hard; this once vigorous, active young man was totally helpless. Yet, she held back her tears. She could see, however, that Mark was beginning to cry, and she leaned over to kiss him gently on the cheek.

“I love you, Mark,” were the only words that came to her as she stood next to him. What else could she say?

“Don’t say that, Karen. Please don’t,” he said.

“But I do, my dear, dear Mark,” she continued.

He turned away from her, and said nothing. She could hear quiet sobbing coming from him, and it saddened her. She was mystified by his protest that she shouldn’t tell him she loved him; why did that bother him so? Hadn’t he expressed his love for her before the game, and even on the two brief phone calls the two had shared from his hospital bed in Florida?

She moved a chair next to Mark’s bed, sat down and took his large hand and held it, gently caressing it. The whirring of medical paraphernalia continued as a backdrop, while an occasional beep came at intervals from the drip in his arm. Mark continued to look away from her.

“Oh my brother Sonny is here with me, Mark. He’d like to say ‘hi’ to you,” she said finally, breaking the silence.

He turned his head, and his face showed a brief grimace as if a pain shot through his system. “Will he want to see me like this?” he asked, his voice still a near whisper.

“Yes, he idolizes you, Mark,” she said.

“Ok, let him in.”

Karen went to the door and summoned Sonny and Mrs. Hamilton to enter the room.

“Hi, kid,” Mark said, his voice growing stronger as Sonny approached his bed.

“You were great in that game, Mark,” Sonny said.

“Thank you, Sonny, but I guess that’s my last football game.”

“It can’t be,” Sonny said. “You were so dazzling. You’ll come back, I’m sure.”

Mark smiled; it was a weak smile, obviously meant more to comfort Sonny’s view that he would recover to again dominate a football game.

“We’ll have to see how he recovers, Sonny,” Mrs. Hamilton said.

“He will,” Sonny said with definiteness that no one else in the room shared.

Mark smiled, however, pleased with the eagerness of the teenage boy.

“I’m modeling my own play after you, Mark,” the boy continued. “I’m learning to block, too, since I’ve learned the really good quarterbacks must do more than just throw a football.”

“You’re right, kid,” Mark said, warming to the discussion.

“I loved that block you threw on Sokolowski on the flea-flicker play, Mark. The one that scored the touchdown,” Sonny said. “If you hadn’t made that block, I think Sokolowski would have gotten to the player who threw the pass.”

“Yeah, that was a good one,” Mark said. “I was more proud of that than either of the two touchdown passes I threw.”

The conversation between the two continued for another five minutes, but Karen could see Mark was tiring, as his replies to Sonny became more hesitant and weaker. Finally, she suggested they all leave the room to allow Mark to rest for a bit.

“He’s in pretty bad shape, isn’t he, Mrs. Hamilton?” Karen asked when the three settled back into the lounge.

“I’m afraid so, Karen,” she said. “He has no feeling in his legs at all right now the damage is so great to his nerves.”

“Oh dear,” she said.

“He rejected me in there, Patti,” Karen said.

“I know he’d do that, Karen. He even suggested you not come here to see him.”

“I know. That’s what he said to me when I said I’d be coming down.”

“Yes, ‘cause he knew it’d cause you pain. He really loves you so much, dear,” Patti said.

“I do, too. I love him, Patti.”

Mrs. Hamilton looked at Karen, patting her hand as she held it primly in her lap. Sonny excused himself, saying he was going to the hospital snack bar for something to drink, leaving the two women together.

“My husband and I tried to steer him away from you, dear, once we learned you are a boy underneath all this, but he was adamant in his love for you,” Patti said.

“I don’t blame you, Mrs. Hamilton,” she said. “I’ll never be a total woman, even after I have the operation. I’ll never be able to give you grandchildren.”

Patti Hamilton nodded, and the two fell silent for a few minutes.

“But, Mark persisted, saying he could only see you as a girl and that you were the best thing that ever happened to him,” his mother said, resuming the conversation. “And I must say, both my husband and I have fallen in love with you too and see you only as a pretty young lady.”

Karen reddened; she smiled at the woman.

“Mark thinks you should be free of him, that he’ll only be a cripple the rest of his life, and you’re so pretty dear,” Patti continued. “He wants you to find a nice young man, worthy of you. He thinks he’ll be a burden the rest of his life and wants to set you free.”

“Oh Mrs. Hamilton, I love him, regardless. I want to be with him.”

“You say that now, Karen, but months later as reality sets in, you may feel burdened and Mark will feel guilty because he’s caused you to be unhappy with the burden of caring for him.”

Karen considered the older woman.

“My love for Mark will never end, Mrs. Hamilton. If he’ll have me, I want to be his for life.”

*****
After an hour, Karen returned to Mark’s room, leaving Mrs. Hamilton and Sonny in the lounge. Mark was groggy, and merely grunted a “hi” at Karen as she kissed him lightly.

Despite what she could say, his mood remained cool toward her; he hardly looked at her, and stared out toward the window, responding only with brief “yes” or “no” to most of her comments. He showed some interest as she described that she was to return to the University the following day, and would be resuming her work with Professor Fenstrom, possibly even getting a part in the spring play.

He asked about Karen’s transitioning procedures, and she explained she’d have an early appointment with Dr. Bargmann to begin hormonal treatment.

“I wish you the best, Karen,” he said. His tone was perfunctory, as if he were addressing someone he barely knew.

“Thank you, Mark.”

“But you must forget me, Karen. Please forget me.”

“I can’t Mark. I’ll never forget you.”

“You must,” he said, turning his face away from her.

She tried to involve the boy with further conversation, but Mark grunted his answers, never turning his face to look at her. She felt her emotions rise, and bounce back and forth over whether to slap the injured boy to get some sort of response or burst out in tears and embrace him with all her strength.

“Just forget me, Karen,” he finally said, his eyes finally meeting hers. She could see they were red and moist as if he’d been crying.

“I can’t, Mark. Don’t you know that by now? I love you so.”

“I’ll never be any good, Karen. I’m damaged goods, damaged for life. Go find yourself a nice young man, somebody who’ll be a complete man.”

“Don’t give up, Mark. Please. The doctors haven’t given up on you yet and I never will.”

“Please go and let me be.” The words were deliberate and firm.

Karen burst out crying, feeling helpless in trying to comfort the injured young man. Mark merely turned his head away from her, and Karen sensed he might be crying as well. He was red-eyed a few minutes later, when he turned back to her and suggested she get Sonny so that he could say “good-bye” to her brother.

Mark seemed to recover his composure when Sonny entered. The two talked football for a few minutes, before Karen and Sonny said good bye, Karen giving Mark a light kiss on the cheek. Mark turned away at the kiss, and Karen heard his quiet sobs as she and Sonny left the room. It would be a sad drive home.