Ever want something, almost crave it and have no idea why?

Well, that's me at the moment. For some reason the idea of going swimming is stuck in my head, and the more I cant go, the more it feels like I need to.

I've heard of craving sex, or food, or drugs, but swimming?

It doesnt help that its not a craving I can satisfy right now - the closest pool to me doesnt have a unisex locker room, so if I went there, I'd have to put my clothes in a bag and leave it by the poolside and hope nobody took my purse or something while I swam. There are a couple of waterparks, one of which I know has a unisex locker room, but its in Sherwood Park, a little city just outside of Edmonton, so not sure that's an option, and in any case I need to save my money for my move.

But that's a bit of an excuse, I think the real reason why I'm reluctant to go is that I'm frightened of the reaction of others to me. I dont feel like I pass as a girl despite how I normally get treated in public, and in a swimsuit, there's no real place to hide my flaws.

This is not a rational fear, since I swam last summer, but when I'm under stress my confidence in my presentation as a woman sags, and I start having to fight my fears all over again, and I've been pretty stressed lately with trying to find a place to move to, dealing with being injured at work, dealing with what felt like the final nail on the coffin for my relationship with my family, and especially how my daughter is now here significantly less often, and when she is she is much more aloof than she has been in the past. I dont know how much of that change is just she's growing up and how much is because her mother and her new babysitter (Her mom's best friend) may have been telling her how much of a sinner I am for transition.

Ah, well.