My name is David, and I am a woman.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to look at who was behind me.

"Hey, David."

"Hello, Gary." I made a face at him as I said this.

"What's wrong?"

"People started calling me Dee here, and I kind of like it."

"I can do that, then, Dee."

There was something in the way that he said my name that sent shivers down my spine. I heard footsteps behind me. Turning around I saw Steven who hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

"You ready?"

"Who's this," Gary asked.

Steven really looked at Gary for the first time. Gary was glaring back at him.

"Boys, no fighting. Gary, this is Steven, an old dear friend. Steven, this is Gary..."

"Her boyfriend." Gary said.

I turned and glared at Gary. "I'm not your girlfriend, Gary. We've been on one date."

"But I thought..."

"Gary, I like you. I like Steven too."

"But which one do you like," Steven said from behind me.

"Neither of you, if you're both going act like little boys."

"We're men, Dee. We're incapable of acting any other way," Steven said.

Gary snorted at him, but didn't try to contradict him.

"Gary, I love that you stopped by, but Steven is taking me to lunch. I'm free for dinner though. I just need to be back here by about six forty five."

"Ok, Dee. I'll pick you up later," He gave me a kiss on the cheek, never seeming to move his eyes from glaring at Steven.

I sighed as he walked away.

"So, that was your boss?"

"Former boss."

"He's good looking. Wears expensive clothing, too."

"Well, he is a partner in an architecture firm."

"He seems to be perfect if you go for the whole handsome and rich sort of thing."

"Money's not an issue for me, Steven."

"All women like to be treated like royalty."

"If I wanted that then I wouldn't need anyone."

He looked at me a little questioningly.

"I'm rich, Steven. I don't need some guy to give me money."

"Oh."

"No, I don't think you understand. Steven, I want someone who sees me as a woman, who loves me in spite of my faults, and who wants to be with me because of who I am, not what they get out of it."

"Well, you've always been a girl in my dreams...hell, you are the girl of my dreams. Give me some time to really get to know you and I'll see what I can do about all the rest."

For some reason tears came to my eyes and I had to blink them away. "That's all I can ask," I said a little choked up.

Lunch was a fast food salad that we ate on the grass outside the auditorium. There were none of the candles or other diners like my date with Gary. There wasn't being seated or helped from the car or any of the other things that made be feel so feminine, but Steven paid attention to what I said, and there was a lot of laughter.

I loved the way that Steven listened to me when I spoke. I paid him the same complement, and listened to him talk about his family. He never mentioned his brother Greg, for which I was thankful, but he talked about all of the other members, and I found myself wanting to get to know all of them better.

"So, how did the date stack up?" he said as he was walking me back inside.

"Not bad...until you tried to compare yourself to someone else," I said with a little frown.

"Dee, this is killing me. Can't you just choose one of us and let him date you until you decide one way or the other? I know you're comparing the two of us in your own mind."

"More like contrasting you two than comparing."

"Still, this is so hard..."

"I kept the sketch I made of you."

His mouth dropped open and then a small smile touched his lips, "really?"

I just nodded at him, "It was at my mother's house, but I kept it. I spent a couple of hours looking at it last week, wondering if you'd found someone who could love you the way...you deserve."

"That's not what you were going to say. Tell me what you were going to say."

"The way I love you, okay?" I said blushing furiously. "But I can't love you. I don't know you. You're just the boy who paid attention to me when I was a gawky teen. You kissed me for luck. You really looked at my sketches. And I tried my hardest to forget about you because I felt guilty every time I did."

"Why?"

"Because Sarah seemed to be pushing be toward you, and I know it was killing her inside to do it."

"I'm missing something here."

"Sarah was in love with me, the boy me. She's why I tried to be a man. I thought...I thought..."

He took me in his arms and just held me. "You thought that you'd betrayed your friendship by being with me, and that if you could just be a man that you'd somehow feel forgiven by her."

I just nodded into his chest and began to cry. He didn't say anything to me. He held me in his strong arms, comforting me by his presence more than any word he could say would have.

I looked up into his face inches away from my own. I closed my eyes. It was all the invitation he needed. That kiss was like an explosion. My breath escaped me in a gasp and it just deepened from there. I'd thought, before that moment, that it was only an expression that something could take your breath away.

When he finally stopped kissing me I was left gasping for air. The smile on my face just would not go away. I was wobbly on my feet, so Steven put an arm around me and guided me inside to my seat. I sank bonelessly into my chair.

"Wow, girl, you look just like you had sex," Lacey said to me. I just shook my head.

"What happened?"

"He kissed me."

"He just..."

I nodded looking over at her with a grin, "Yep." I said making a popping sound with my lips on the p.

"You must not have been..."

"You kissed Steven, didn't you?"

I looked over at the other woman at the table. Wendy, I think her name was.

"Yes..." I said a little unsure.

She just nodded. "I went to school with him. He dated a lot of girls. Never went beyond some kissing from what I hear. Was always talking about this Donna girl who...Oh, my god. You and he..."

"I met him at the pageant, yes. He worked tech for it."

"Did you..."

"No, nothing like that. It was innocent flirting...and I did spend about five hours sketching him once."

"You are a contradiction, Dee." Lacey said.

"Excuse me?"

"One moment you are as worldly as the next gal, but then, suddenly you're all innocence and light. How do you do it?"

"Eight years of denying myself."

"I don't understand." Lacey said.

So, I spent the next little while retelling the story of Sarah, the pageant, and briefly what I'd done afterward.

"Well, that's part of the reason that I dislike people like you, when the going get's tough you can just stop being a woman."

I glared at Lacey. "Really? you think this has been easy for me? You think trying to be a guy was the easy option for me?"

"Well...I guess so, yeah."

"How easy would it be for you to act like a guy? To ask girls out on dates? To be treated to the vulgarity so common among men in this day and age? To feel the girl inside dying a little every time that your colleague tells a dirty joke, knowing that you're 'one of them' another 'one of the guys'?"

"I..."

"To listen to them demean and objectify women? When you try to get them to accept that women are people with feelings, they ridicule you, demean you?"

She'd begun to color a bit and was looking away from me.

"It isn't easy to try to be a man, Lacey."

"but you were born..."

"A woman with a plumbing problem."

"Is that all you think it is?"

"I've never used it for anything else," I said with a little smirk. She blushed.

"Look, Lacey, I didn't mean to be so harsh about this, but I have enough difficulty with this without having someone question my motives."

"I see that...now. I'm sorry. I never really thought about it that way before. I just thought..."

"I was some gay guy trying to make it easier to get with and seduce men?"

she nodded weakly at me.

"Sexually speaking, it's a completely different animal. If you want to go out for drinks some time, I'll discuss it with you, but talking about sexuality here," I gestured at the auditorium, "feels a little skeevy."

Lacey laughed at me, and I joined in with her a moment or two later.

"See, you can even sound innocent talking about sex. I like you Dee. Sorry for my behavior earlier. I'll try to change my attitude."

"Don't change on my account."

"what?"

"If you want to do it for yourself, then great, I'll support you. Don't change how you see the world for me or anyone else. I can't handle the responsibility."

I grinned at her.

She barked a laugh and then smiled back, "You're wicked. You really are. Innocent my ass. I take everything I'd said back. Your innocence is a front to drag us all in, then when we're unawares you strike."

"What can I say? I'm a woman."

There was some more laughter at that and we got back to the work of judging these young women. Sure, the ballots didn't include any of their time backstage, or practicing or anything else, but when we got to the end, the final five, it was a lot more subjective. Their actions now, while they thought they weren't being watched, all went into our judgement of who we wanted. I know that if Sarah made it to the finals, I would definitely consider her for top honors above her peers.

<3  <3  <3
Gary took me to eat at an upscale restaurant about thirty minutes from the school. Again he helped me from the car and escorted me into the restaurant, but instead of feeling secure, I felt irritated for some reason. I'm sure I wasn't a good dining companion and I tried to smile through it, but this irritation took me completely by surprise.

Was it Gary I was irritated with or something else?

I really hoped it was something else, because I wanted to take my time in choosing logically between these two fine men. I didn't want my emotions having an undue influence on.

Yes, let me point out here that with time and distance I realize how naive that thought was, but at the time, I really thought it could work out. I'd spent twenty-four years being logical without a lot of hormones to get in the way. I'd pushed my emotions to the side, and just made decisions.

I love hormones, I really do, because they take a simple choice of pros and cons and turn it into a wonderfully enjoyable ride.

I smiled and held his hand, the entire time just feeling like I was going to explode. I hoped that the poise I'd shown on stage during my question, but from his expression, I could tell I was failing.

"Is there something you want to tell me?"

"Gary, I'm just not feeling a hundred percent. I'm irritated and uncomfortable in my own skin."

"Oh...well...in that case, let's get some chocolate cake."

"Chocolate...what are you up to, Gary?"

"My mom always used to get a big slice of chocolate cake when...once a month."

"I can't, I mean I don't..."

"Look, you have the hormones, so who's to tell how you feel? It makes sense to me."

"But I don't..."

"Mood swings happen, Dee. Just eat your cake."

It took more than just eating the cake, but I did start to feel better. I really didn't think that I was having a period, or anything really like it. The cake was a nice thought, though, and I realized why I was irritated.

Gary was a good guy, but he was…entitled? No, not exactly right, but he was…forceful? Not exactly it either. He was confident, and a little cocky. He was masculine, but not over sexed in any way.

The more I thought about it the less sure I was of what exactly had irritated me. All I knew was that there was something about the way Gary acted toward me that made me uncomfortable, and that discomfort translated into irritation.

I only had half my mind on our conversation as I thought. He had an easy smile. It lit up his face, and made him look a lot younger than he was. That was a concern, though: how old was Gary? He was old enough to be a partner at the firm. I knew he joined the firm fifteen years ago.

Minimum that put him thirty five years old. That was eleven years older than me. Steven was, at most, two years older than me, and could easily be the same age I was.

Did that matter?

He helped me from my seat and escorted me to the car. I got in and we drove back to the school in silence.

The problem with any relationship I might have with Gary is that it was based in an inequality: Boss-Subordinate. With him being at least eleven years older than me, and more likely thirteen to fifteen years older, that added another inequality. Sure, as we both got older, that would matter a lot less, and if I was over thirty considering dating him…

But I wasn't. I was a twenty-four year old who was physically a thirteen year old. I was young with rampaging hormones. Sure, I'd asked for rampaging hormones, but I still had them.

Gary was ready for a serious relationship. Was I ready? Was I ready for one with him?"

He wanted an adult relationship, but I had to admit, that for all that taking me out to a restaurant made me feel like a woman, I'd preferred the easy conversation, stolen fries, and general relaxed atmosphere of my date with Steven earlier.

How funny is life? If I'd never come to the pageant, I would never have met Steven again. We wouldn't have reconnected. I would be looking at my relationship with Gary as if it were the best thing in the world for me.

The thing is, I had come back to the pageant, and Steven did things for me that Gary couldn't even touch.

No, not that he couldn't, because I knew Gary to have a great sense of fun and adventure, but that he just didn't want to do those things with me, and that is why I was irritated.

Gary irritated me because he didn't want to compete against Steven for me. He wanted me to assume he was the winner by default.

I let him kiss me when he dropped me off, but it was a cold kiss without any of the earlier passion we'd both shared.

<3  <3  <3
There weren't as many girls this year as there were the year I did the pageant, but there were still a number of girls to get through on preliminary night. There were about thirty girls each night that we would be paring down to an even thirty for the final night. Also, something I hadn't know when I went through this, it didn't matter which night that you participated on, the top thirty scores when through, even if all of them were from the same night.

It was a lot more fair than the method I thought they used.

Knowing how the girls felt on the other side of the stage, I had a hard time on most of them giving them poor scores. Some, though, were easier.

Like the leggy blond who fell flat on her face walking up to the podium. Yes, I felt sorry for her, and I was worried she might have hurt herself, but it was easy to follow the guidelines and mark her down for that.

Or the girl who simply couldn't sing, but was singing for her talent. I had more trouble feeling sorry for her than myself. My ears hurt when she finished. I just marked her with low scores on that one. There wasn't even a twitch of conscious doing it either.

You're supposed to pick a talent that shows who you are as a person. Something you are good at and is feminine. That was none of the above.

Don't get me wrong. There were the girls on the other end of the spectrum as well. Like the brunette cheerleader who simply killed her fitness routine.

Oh, I forgot, we got to look at the girl's academic records as part of the judging. This is a scholarship competition after all. The other five judges were actually in academia…by which I mean we had a couple of teachers, a principal, and a coach. Since I was more of an 'honorary guest judge' than was normal for the pageant, I didn't actually get to judge the academic portion. Since none of the girls got a score from me, it didn't affect the outcome.

So, we got to see their extracurricular activities, and when I saw 'cheerleader' I simply had to watch her through the pageant. I expected snob, stuck-up, and all the other things that stereotypically follow them.

Should have known that she would be intelligent with a 4.0 and three AP courses, but hey, even intelligent people are blind to the truth sometimes. Look at me. I denied I was a woman for eight years.

By the end of it there was no question that the cheerleader did well, but some of the others surprised me. Even with the poor scores in talent, the tone deaf singer was still in the top ten, for the night at least. We'd see where everything went on the other nights.

<3  <3  <3
I wanted to follow the girls over to their hotel, and see if things were just as crazy for them as they were for me. Unfortunately, I knew that time of my life was over. I wasn't going to get that chance again. Sure, there was a little vicarious thrill being a judge for the competition, but it wasn't the same, nor would it be.

Instead of following the girls, I slipped into the back of the theater looking for Steven. I wasn't sure why, but I just wanted to see him. Maybe today was a fluke, and we really didn't mesh as well as I thought.

Maybe I was just scared of what I could have with Gary, and was making too much of something small. Whatever it was, I had to see this through, and really give both men a chance.

"…I'm saying is that she needs someone who has their act together. She's had too much heartbreak already to have to deal with this."

"Don't you think I know that? My brother is on death row because of what he did. He deserves it, sure, but I know what she needs. I was there, something you can't say the same about."

"Maybe you're just too close to the situation. We've had a working relationship for almost three years now, first as an intern, then as an employee."

"Oh, so you're saying you had her as your intern? Don't you just take the cake."

I followed the sound of angry voices. If either of those men thought I would appreciate them fighting over me, then they had another think coming.

"No, I didn't think of her that way until recently."

"Well, I've always thought of her that way. You're just a damn tranny chaser is what…"

I came around the corner in enough time to see Gary throw a punch at Steven. My heart went into my throat. Part of me wanted to see him fight back. Part of me was terrified he would.

Steven just stood there, his hands at his sides, and looked at Gary, "Do you feel better now?"

Gary pulled back to swing again so I yelled out his name. He turned to look at me, "What do you two think you're doing?"

They both had the decency to look ashamed. Gary started speaking, "It's not what it looks like, Dee."

"Really? It looks like the two men I care about most in this world are getting into a knock-down drag-out fight." Neither of them would look at me.

"Gary, go home."

"I was headed to my hotel anyway."

"No, I mean go back to the city. I can't be around you right now."

"He…"

"I heard what he said, but I also saw what you did. I can't be around that, Gary. If that's who you are, then I won't be around you. I'll see you when I get back home in about a week."

"Dee…"

"No, Gary. Just go, please? I don't want to fight you on this." Tears were beginning to stream down my face. Gary took a step toward me, but when I flinched away, he muttered something and stomped out.

I wasn't looking at Steven, so when he came up behind me and put his arms around me, I tried to pull away. He just held onto me tighter, giving me the comfort I needed, but didn't particularly want from him at the moment.

"I'm still mad at you," I said, relaxing and letting him hold me.

"I know," he said, "but there are some things more important than anger, and you're one of them. I'm sorry for my actions today."

"All your actions?"

"Just the ones where Gary was concerned. Our date is without a doubt the best thing I've ever been a part of."

I colored a bit and snuggled into him…right up until I remembered I was supposed to be angry at him.

"Stop that," I said.

"Stop what?" he said with a grin.

"Making me forget that I'd mad with you."

"Was I doing that?"

"You know you were."

He turned me around in his arms and looked at me in the eyes, "Dee, I love you. It's my job to make sure you're not angry with me." He kissed me gently, but thoroughly. When my knees gave out he supported me.

I glared at him as soon as I had my breathing under control.

"That doesn't fix anything, you know. You still fought with Gary."

He took a deep breath, still looking me in the eyes.

"I love you, Dee. I will abide by any decision you make. You need to know, however, that you can't have both of us. IT's tearing all three of us apart. If you need space to make a decision, then I'll live with that, but you do need to decide.

"If you want him, then I'll make myself scarce. If you pick me, I'm following you to the ends of the earth."

He kissed me again, a gentle peck on the lips this time, and turned around to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"Home. I'm giving you space to make a decision. See you tomorrow?"

I just nodded as he walked away. How can someone leave and yet feel right there at the same moment?