My name is David, and I am a woman.

- - - Spoiler Warning - - -
The following pages include major spoilers for Call me Donna. It's suggested that you read the last chapter of that before reading this.
The sun was shining brightly in a clear blue sky. The grass was just as green as I remembered it to be. The trees were taller, but just as healthy. From horror movies I'd seen in the past, I always expected either moss covered trees that had a sickly cast to their leaves making them appear almost white. That or dead trees. you also expected the grass to be patchy and lots of dirt showing through.

Not the well ordered and manicured lawns of the cemetery where I currently walked.

When I'd been here the last time, the headstone wasn't here. Sarah would have loved it, I think. I know, as a teen you never think of death, but her sense of fashion would have appreciated the rose colored stone sitting in the too green grass.

'Friend, Sister, Daughter. She touched the lives of those around her for good.'

The words were hard to read through my tears. She'd been my Best Friend. She still was.

"Hey, Sarah. I screwed things up pretty badly. I was so hurt by your leaving me that I pushed away the other people who only wanted to help.

"It's been a while. I know. I never write, I never call. You would be justified in thinking I didn't think about you anymore. I thought about you all the time. I tried to find a girl like you, someone who would love me for being me, but it never worked. Guess none of them were lesbians either."

I smiled sadly down at her stone. I thought of all the time we'd spent together. I met her when I was four years old. She died when we were sixteen.

"I wanted them to leave you as the winner of the pageant. I withdrew my name after all. Guess you knew that already."

A feeling that was at odds with my sorrow began to build in me and I had to let it out. I screamed at the sky and fell to my knees in front of the headstone, "You left me! I begged you to stay. I loved you and you refused to stay with me. What could I have done more? Everyone leaves me. My daddy left me. You left me. Every girl I thought I could actually be in a relationship with..."

"Why am I so unlovable?"

I sat there and cried, my anger gone again. She couldn't feel my anger, or at least she shouldn't. It was my fault anyway that she was dead.

"Are you alright, dear?"

I looked up at the woman standing over me. Her smile reminded me so much of another that I'd never see again, "M..Mom?"

Her smile faded for a moment and then recognition dawned on her, "David?"

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I sat in her kitchen with a cup of tea in my hands. The heat of the day didn't require it, but I felt comfort in the warm ceramic.

"So, it's been a while." She said softly. I just nodded. I tried to smile, but the guilt over what had happened was still fresh for me, even eight years later.

"You haven't transitioned; I think that's the word, yet?"

"No, Mom. I haven't yet."

"Why not. Did you know how proud Sarah was of you? Living your life the way you wanted to?"

"She was...proud of me?"

"Yes. We talked about you a lot. You know she talked to me every day while you were at the pageant?"

"Yeah. I remember the marathon calls she made."

"Well, I think she wanted you to win."

"How do you know?"

"Because she stopped talking about winning herself, and she talked about how poised and sure of yourself you were. She thought you were the best of them up there, and really exemplified who you were all supposed to be as young women."

"She never told me..."

"She wouldn't, and you know that."

I just nodded.

"So, what have you been up to?"

Just like that, it was as if the last eight years had never happened. I didn't expect Sarah to come bouncing through the door, but I felt the love that this other woman felt for me.

"Sarah's Dad..."

"Will answer to me if he acts anything like he did last time you were dressed properly in my house," she said with a little smile. "Actually, he misses his other daughter as well."

"His..."

"You, David. He may not have shown it, but he cared for you. We both still do. It hurt him when you moved and never tried to contact either one of us."

"I was hurting too much."

"We know, dear. We know. You really loved Sarah, and when she died..."

"It broke a part of me."

She just nodded and I smiled at her.

"I think that it's finally beginning to heal though," I said. "You mind if I go fix my makeup? All this crying..."

"Go, dear. You look prettier without the big black circles around your eyes,"

I barked a short little laugh and went to take care of business.

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Computers and the internet have changed the world so much more than we realize. Blueprints only exist in paper format for customer meetings. In reality all buildings and wiring and everything else are created in the digital space that our computers live in. They reside there, grow and change there. Their lives exist in the surreal, even though they are plans for the real.

Mr. Watson was more than happy for me to be working remotely. Mostly, I think, it was the fact I was now working for him, and so all of the clients who wanted what I could provide would be his clients.

there were a number of unflattering terms I could apply to my employment, but the truth was that I really did enjoy it. It was a great place to work, I got to put art into life and I got paid for it.

While taking a break from the work I went into our storage space in the attic. All of my clothing was still there; although I'm sure none of it would really fit any more. I took it down to my room anyway.

The first box I unpacked was simply labeled pageant. There were my six outfits, all packed in plastic. I pulled out my gown and just stared at it. It was more beautiful than I remembered. It was my stage question dress.

I held it up to my body, and while the length was shorter than it had been before, it still looked like it might fit.

It was too fancy to really wear to any of the functions I'd be going to, however, and it was so far out of date. As I was pulling the grey silk dress out, a book fell onto the floor. I set the dress aside and picked up the book.

My breath caught at what I saw. It was my sketch book, the one I'd taken to the pageant with me. Page after page of girls in dresses greeted me as I flipped through it. The sets, the judges, everything was in there. Sarah looked so happy the way I'd drawn her. Eventually I ran into pictures of a boy. The name 'Steven' immediately came to mind.

Seeing him again, I felt my heart race. My breath grew shorter. He was really handsome, and my memory didn't do him any justice.

What happened to him, I wondered? Did he finally get married and have children? He deserved it, no matter what his brother had done. He deserved to have been happy the past eight years.

The silk dress was likely ruined, having sat in my attic with bloodstains on it for 8 years, but even so I didn't want to throw it out. It was the dress that I'd worn at the end.

While I was thinking about it I grabbed my phone and gave Gary a call.

"Hey, David. How are you? It is so weird to me calling you by a boy's name when you're really a girl."

"Get over it," I said with a laugh, "So, how would you like to come to some events with me next week."

"Events?"

"Yep, you know all evening affairs. Lots of costumes. Stage effects."

"You mean like a play?"

"Something like that, although their usually called pageants."

"Um..."

"Well, I'm going to be a judge there. So, if you want to spend some time with me..."

"I might spend an evening or two out there. Where is it?"

It was only as I was reading the address off to him that I realized I would be heading back to the same school where I'd participated so many years ago. He agreed to meet me there on one evening or another and we disconnected from each other.

The rest of the day I had a bit of a smile on my face. Gary, at the very least, would be spending time doing something I wanted to do, something I knew he wasn't interested in. It gave me a certain feeling of power over our relationship that I hadn't yet felt. It was a heady feeling.

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I sat in my rental in the parking lot of the school, afraid to get out. I shouldn't have been. I'd been here before, and I'd been accepted as they saw me, but I was still that same person, at least physically.

I took my courage in my hands and opened the door. I was wearing a pair of three inch heels, and I loved the sound they made as I walked up to the stage door. The blood stain was worn off the walk, but I still looked where it had been. The door was locked, of course, so I knocked on it. I didn't want to walk al the way around to the front entrance.

I waited for a couple of minutes before someone came to the door, "We're working on something in here at the moment," the guy in the headset said.

"I know, Miss Florida's...Steven?"

It had taken me a moment to realize it, but it was Steven. The years had changed him, and I doubt I would have recognized him if I hadn't spent so much time recently looking at the sketch I'd made when I was sixteen.

"Do I...Donna? Is that really you?"

"You remember me?"

"Kinda hard to forget, considering..."

"Considering what?"

"I actually work with the MAO Teen organization. They actually use the video of your on stage question to show the new girls how it's supposed to look."

"No..."

"Yep. Once or twice a year I get to see you on that big screen in front of the stage."

there was a certain gleam in his eye as he said it, a gleam I'd never seen in another person when talking to me.

"Why would you want to see me?"

"Well, because, for me at least, you were the one that got away."

"I was..."

"Yes. You were my regret. The person I always asked, 'what if,' about."

"But, you knew what I was...what I am."

"And in most of my fantasies you'd had time to transition, but yes, I knew. I know. Doesn't matter to me, Donna."

"I go by David now."

The look of sadness that came over his features was instant and sudden, I jumped in because I realized I'd given him the wrong impression.

"I meant to say David Louise. I didn't want to give up my old name because I never want to forget what made me the person I am today."

"Oh," he said with a pause, and then the light bulb moment happened and he gave me the biggest grin I'd ever seen. "Oh! Well, in that case," he said making a significant glance at my left hand.

"No, I'm not married or engaged."

"I was sure a beauty like you would have been snatched up long ago."

"Nope. I've been spending the last eight years, unsuccessfully mind you, living as a man. Although my former boss did follow me out here," I said blushing a bit.

"Well, he'll just have to get in line, since I have a prior claim."

"I'm not some prize to be won." I said with a little venom in my voice.

"Oh, yes you are, you're the best type of prize, a woman who knows her mind and only is won when she wants to be. I recognize that. However, there's just something I'm not going to do."

"What's that?"

"Call you 'David'. I'll give you your pick, though. I'm either calling you Dee or Louise."

"Call me Dee then."

"You know I'll be thinking it still stands for Donna, right?"

I blushed, but nodded with a smiled.

"Well, Dee, what can I do for you?"

"I'm judging."

"Oh, yeah. David Lowell. I saw your name on the list."

"So, you want to let me in? My shoes are melting into the pavement."

My statement had the effect that I'd intended when I said it. Steven looked down at my shoes, and then checked me out as he slowly worked his way back to my head. I appreciated the dress skirt I'd chosen for today instead of the pants I'd briefly considered when his eyes paused on my legs and behind.

When he finally made his way back up to my face I was smiling at him, "Like what you see?"

He blushed and chocked a bit and stepped aside to let me walk through the door. Impulsively I kissed him on the cheek as I passed by. "Thanks," I said.

"What was that for?"

"Being here and being yourself."

As a sort of an afterthough I looked at him over my shoulder as I walked away. I needed to check his left hand for rings as well. There were none.

It was only after I'd walked out to the front of the theater that I realized how flirty our exchange really was.

I'd never had anything like this with Gary. Sure, we'd kissed some, but ours was more of an adult relationship. No combustion, just a nice slow burn.

With Steven on the other hand it was fun and flirty and exciting.

Gary made me feel like a woman and feminine and desired.

Steven made me feel like a little girl, but in a good way. Not like he looked down on me, but he made me feel young and alive. He made me feel like I was in love.

Not that I didn't like to be with Gary, and I wasn't sure who I really wanted more, but Steven really did make me feel like I was in love.

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I was talking to the other judges when a younger girl walked up to me. She stood there, a little nervously, looking at me with really wide eyes.

"Can I help you?"

"Are you Donna Lowell?"

"Yes, I'm Dee Lowell," I said with a smile.

"You really inspired me. When I found out that you won the Miss florida's pageant your year, I wanted to be just like you. My dad said it was impossible, but my mom supports me so I'm here."

"What's your name, honey,"

"Travis," she said quietly, "but I entered as Sarah."

Tears threatened, but I just smiled at the girl, "My best friend's name is Sarah," I said.

"Really?"

I just nodded. "She entered the pageant with me."

"Was she pretty?"

"she was beautiful inside and out. So, you have big shoes to fill. Think you're up to it?"

She just nodded and then ran back to her friends. They held hands and squeeled and looked in my direction, so I waved at them. They giggled and went back to their practice for this evening's preliminary.

"Why did you treat him like that?" one of the other judges said quietly to me.

"Really? You're asking me that?"

"Who are you?"

Just then someone from the stage said, "Quiet please, we wanted to show you a little film. this should help you tonight if you keep it in mind. I know all of you have practiced every possible question that you think you could get. This should show you how best to react if you get the wrong question."

The screen came down, and I saw displayed on the screen 'Donna Lowell' in big flowing letters. Beneath that it said Miss Florida's Outstanding Teen and the year I'd won.

I watched myself walk across the stage. It was a surreal experience. I'd remembered doing it, but I didn't remember being so poised or so...confident.

I stood there at the podium. My smile was radiant and my makeup was impeccable. The dress was perfect for my figure, and added to my look of sophistication. Then they asked that first question, and I could remember the sinking feeling in my stomach, but the woman on the screen never faultered. She asked for them to repeat the question.

And that answer.

Where had I ever gotten so smart. That couldn't be me, but it was. I remembered being there. I remembered that question. I now realized why I hadn't received the applause I'd heard for some of the other girls. The audience was stunned and didn't know how to respond.

After the short film was over I turned back to the woman who had been questioning me.

"Does that answer your question?"

"so, you were a former Miss Florida..."

"Lacey, she's..."

"No, don't worry about it. Lacey here is small minded and doesn't want to believe what her heart is telling her." Turning back to Lacey I gave her a pitying smile, "I am transgender, Lacey, just like Sarah over there."

Her mouth opened and closed but no sounds came out.

"I think you broke her mind," the token man on the panel said to me, "Keith Manson," he said offering me his hand.

I shook it and smiled at him.

"Welcome to the judge's table, Dee. If you thought there was drama back stage, you haven't seen anything yet."