Oh, my God - I'm in love with him! I - I can't be in love with him!

Aubrey was determined to make the best of her remaining time with Grant. She even temporarily put on hold her attendance at SARS and SA meetings so that she could spend each evening with him. More and more nights he had no energy to do anything but to lie in bed. At those times, Aubrey would just sit at his side and hold his hand, or read to him poems from his favorite poets, like Shelley and Yeats. But when Grant had an occasional time where he had more energy, Aubrey would engage him in conversation.

They talked about many things, but transgender feelings and fears were frequently discussed. Grant felt finally safe opening up about these things because he knew she had experienced the same.

“Ah, my dear. When I hear about what an awful time you have had transitioning, especially earlier, it makes me a little less regretful that I didn’t pursue it. After all, for all the difficulty in ‘taking the plunge’ that there is today, it’s nothing like the anathema that existed when I was young. I do not regret missing out on that.”

“Grant, if there had been a guy like yourself around to accept and help you, I’ll bet that you could have made a go of it. You have blessed my life so much; did you know that? I’m still nowhere near repaying you for your kindness.”

“You, being happy and successful, are my reward.” He looked melancholy. “One of the most frustrating things about my cross-dressing was the privacy I had to do it in. I mean, Jace knew, and he is nothing if not discreet and loyal, but I knew he didn’t like me doing it. It would have been fun having a girl like you to do dress up with during those days.”

“Grant … why couldn’t we still do it? Look, it’s late tonight, but if you have another ‘good day’ … watch out, sister!”

“Nooo. It’s very impractical. Wouldn’t work.”

“Yes it cooo — ould,” Aubrey cooed with a musical flirt.

“I ‘purged’ 4 months ago. I have nothing to wear.”

“Give me a clothing allowance for you; I’ll get you something nice.”

“If anyone found out…”

“We could have ‘Jace The Discreet and Loyal’ guard the room for 3 hours while we play dress up. Give me $400 to buy you some outfits, and I’ll be ready the next time your heart is.”

Grant sighed, and closed his eyes without responding for a whole minute more. Then he opened them with an intense stare. “NO.”

“Aw, Grant. No? Really?”

“No — to the suggestion of $400. Take $1000.”

Aubrey jumped up and down on her toes as she squealed.

~o~O~o~

“Hello. My name is Aubrey, and I have a compulsive sex problem.”

As she spoke into the screen on her computer, the others on the group Skype video call replied “Hello, Aubrey,” and nodded their heads. Video meetings of my support groups sure are a lifesaver, she thought. I can still deal with and work through my issues without having to be physically away from the estate, and Grant. Still not quite as good as being face to face — it’s harder to comfort or hug through the computer screen — but much better than nothing.

“I’m almost to 100 days since my last compulsive sexual act. I have still been working with my sponsor from Phoenix, calling her at least 3 times a week and emailing her on the days in between. I’m still journaling, and working the steps; I try to skype individually with one of my Sexaholics Anonymous friends every day.

“You guys can also see my bonsai tree sitting behind me. It’s still alive, thank God! I’ve had to care for this plant so meticulously; every day I have to “mist” the leaves with water multiple times, because Arizona is so dry. I’ve pruned it by pinching off much of the new growth; girl, that was actually painful, because I felt like I was hurting it. But having seen pictures of Bonsai that are never pruned, I’m glad I did it. When it grows unfettered in every which direction, it can outgrow it’s root structure, and get unhealthy.

“And I have had to apply that principle to my life as well. If I indulge in every longing or whim, I end up doing multiple things and finishing few of them. I’d rather do a few things in my life with high quality than do a ton of things in a mediocre way. So I play the viola, read, do my support group work and my job, exercise, and interact with … a friend, after hours. I don’t have room right now for reality TV, or clubbing, or much shopping. Some might call me too sheltered; but I call it living in balance, for now.”

After multiple other people took turns sharing their experience, strength, and hope, the meeting was over. Aubrey was about to turn off the computer when she noticed her SA sponsor, Sharon, was trying to call her back via Skype.

“Hey there, sponsee. You had some good stuff to share at the meeting tonight. And that tree does look healthy. I’m impressed. Usually by this point, half of my sponsees tend to have to buy a new ivy plant.”

“IVY plant? You don’t mean I’m the only one who had to take care of a bonsai, do you?”

“Honey, you’re the only one who slept with nearly five hundred different partners in two years. You had the most crap to overcome, and therefore I gave you the hardest work to do. But — you’re doing it!”

“Thanks, Sharon. It means a lot that you’d call me to encourage me like this.”

“Uh — uh, girl. That’s not the main reason I called. During the meeting you talked about interacting with a friend in the evenings. You want to tell me about it?”

“Oh, yeah. That’s really nothing, definitely not a romance. It’s my boss, the one who’s dying … I try to spend time with him so he’s not lonely. It’s my small way of trying to pay him back for what he’s done for me.”

“Sounds like quite a sacrifice you’re making.”

“It’s not a sacrifice at all. I enjoy our time together. He and I … well, we understand each other.”

“So … he’s transgendered?”

“NO! I mean, he’d never … all he did was just …”

“Sounds like he is, then.”

“No! No, he, um ... Blast it! No one’s supposed to know that he deals with that issue. God, Sharon — you can’t tell anybody!”

“Remember, honey, what’s said here, stays here. I’m not trying to ‘out’ anybody. I’m just seeing what kind of a relationship you have. So, is he a good friend?”

“Oh, Sharon. He’s the best. So kind, and sweet, and intelligent. He loves music — good music — and gracious to a fault. I laugh so much when we’re together; and I cry so much when I think about what’s about to happen to him.”

“Uhhhh, hon? That sounds a lot more serious than just being buddies.”

“Sharon, that’s crazy. He’s old enough to be my dad.”

“Hmm. I see. So, when he finally dies, it will hurt, but you’ll carry on, right?”

Aubrey didn’t answer right away, as she had begun weeping suddenly. She tried to pull it together a few times, but when she then tried to talk she just started to cry again. After a few minutes, she had gained a little more control, though she still leaked at the corners of her eyes. Those eyes grew wider and wider as an unexpected revelation hit her.

“Oh my God. I’m in love with him!”

This caused more sobbing, with Sharon waiting patiently on the screen.

Finally, with red eyes and more tissues at the ready, Aubrey voiced her newfound fears. “I — I can’t be in love with him! He’s my boss, for Pete’s sake! I made a vow to you to not be in a relationship until after September! He’s a famous, successful lawyer, and I’m just a nurses’ aide who four months ago was a whore. And he’s going to die soon. And I don’t want to live without him! I wish I could take his place, and die instead of him! … Sharon, I — I can’t talk right now. I’ll call you tomor-”

“Don’t you dare turn this session off, Aubrey! Just cry, hon. I’m right here.”

Sharon hummed lullabies and other comforting tunes as her young sponsee fell apart.

~o~O~o~

Aubrey had her head resting on it’s side on the desk in front of her computer. Sharon was still onscreen, whispering affirming phrases to her. The young girl finally looked up towards her sponsor’s face in the monitor.

“I wish you were here, Sharon. I could really use a thirty minute hug right now.”

“I’m huggin’ you in my heart. I asked Scotty to beam me over but he says the transistors are down ‘cause the dilibrium crystals are cracked.”

“Ha ha ha! Said like a true faux-trekkie.”

“Hey, hon. Have you had sex with him? Or, do you find yourself wanting to?”

“No. The thought of even just stimulating him turns me off — way off. Because his heart would give out, and I’d have killed him. You know, if we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend, it would be perfect for me right now — because sex would be out of the picture. I’d be forced, essentially, to develop a relationship with him as purely a friend first, before we got physical. If it were ever possible.”

“You use the words ‘if’ and ‘would’ like this relationship wasn’t already happenin’. It really sounds like you two are already dating, in a way. Does he love you? And whether he does or not, should he go to his grave not knowing how you feel about him?”

“I don’t know. God help me, I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, let me straighten you out. I didn’t ask you to not get into a relationship before September; just no casual sex before then. If your positions were changed and it was you on the deathbed, would you want him to tell you if he carried a torch for you?”

“His ex-wife just wanted him for sex, Sharon. And because he’s rich, so many others have wanted him just to eventually get something from him. I don’t want him thinking that I’m like that. I have no idea how to tell him … that I love him.”

“Actions still speak louder than words, grasshopper. These activities in the evenings that you’re doing with him? They’ll do the talking for you. That’s probably the best way to show him your love now. In my humble opinion, at least.”

~o~O~o~

Grant Brisbane had not had a ‘good’ day in over a week, but thankfully today was an exception. He even had Jace roll him in a wheelchair out to the garden in the back, and he read the paper and had some herbal tea. Now he was back in his bedroom, and he had put on his oxygen and tried to get a nap so he could be rested up to talk with Aubrey tonight.

Before he fell asleep, he thought about how essential the young transgirl’s nightly visits had become to him. She and he shared confidences, laughs, and occasionally tears; they confided in each other their hopes, fears, frustrations, and dreams. His daydreams lately consisted of him running into her when he was twenty-two, entering law school; she was magically his age, and they would fall in love and marry. That’s the fantasy he was entertaining when he went to sleep for his nap just now.

He gradually awoke to his body being moved. He recognized Aubrey’s style and touch as she gave him a change in underwear; that meant (he realized embarrassedly) that he likely had soiled the pair he had on earlier.

“Hello, Aubrey. I hope we can talk tonight,” he said as he opened his eyes.

“Not talk — gossip, girlfriend. And honey, do I have some juicy slices of secrets to share with you!”

Grant’s jaw went slack as he saw Aubrey in a see-through negligee’ with sexy lingerie — a lacy black bra and panties — and a fully made up face with false eyelashes, glossy red lips, and sultry eyeshade. Her hair was in pigtails, and she continued to speak.

“I’m soooo happy we’re having this slumber party, Gracie! I’ve needed some girl time with someone — y’know, so we can talk about makeup, clothes, periods, and growing up. And B-O-Y-S! And stupid parents, and — ”

Grant chuckled at her silliness while raising his hand to show he wanted to interrupt, to find out what the heck she was doing. But as he did so, he noticed that his nails were painted — a rose coating with sparkles!

“SURPRISE! I did your fingernails while you slept. I shaved your legs, and did your toes, too. You’re a really sound sleeper, girl. While doing your legs, I got to see your new satin panties — OH, you look so hot in them!”

Aubrey held up a hand mirror, and he got a good look at the underwear that had just been put on him. Yes indeed, they were gorgeous red satin panties with a lace border. His legs were hairless, and as he pulled one out from under the covers, he noticed his toenails matched his fingers.

“And now for the piece de resistance — this goes with your panties.” Aubrey pulled out a flowing, shimmering red satin nightgown from a shopping bag. “We girls can go topless around each other, but you need this on just in case your nosy butler walks in.”

Grant raised an eyebrow. “So, Jace …?”

“Is outside the door, standing guard for the rest of the evening,” Aubrey whispered with a wink. She then temporarily took the oxygen off of Grant’s nose while quickly slipping the gown over his head, and then she put the tube back on his face immediately. Grant knew he was relatively light because of so much weight loss from being sickly; still, he was amazed at how quickly yet gently his live-in CNA moved his body around to let the gown flow all the way down to his knees.

“Let me fix your hair real quick, girlfriend.” Aubrey produced a black bob wig and deftly placed it on his head. She then sat back on her heels, next to Grant in the bed.

“So, Gracie, I’m still waiting for someone to invite me to the senior prom. I heard a rumor that hunky Jack Greenfield wanted to ask you! OOOoooohh … wouldn’t that be so dreamy?”

Grant didn’t answer; he was looking at himself with the large hand mirror. The bob wig actually framed his face very well; if he was less gaunt in his cheeks and had less of a worn, wrinkled look, he thought he would have appeared quite fetching. The gown was stunning; the satin felt like melted butter on his skin, and a heretofore-unnoticed pattern of roses emerged through the light reflecting off of it as he slightly moved around. His nails and legs — he had never gone this far before, at least not as an adult.

Aubrey’s heart rate was increasing, due to nervousness. Grant still had not responded to her last question, and now he looked at her with a raised eyebrow and … suspicion? Fear? Anger or hesitancy? She couldn’t get a good read on his reaction. I really swung for the fences here; I just hope I didn’t strike out. This all may be too much for him to take in. I should have gotten his permission to do this instead of surprising him. He’s probably embarrassed and uncomfortable; I’d better break “out of character” and call this off.

He put the mirror down, and a look of disgust came on his face. Tossing his nose into the air, he finally replied in a falsetto.

“Jack Greenfield? He eats like a pig, and all he ever does with me is try to look down my blouse or up my skirt. I’d rather go to the prom with a pimply-faced freshman!”

Aubrey laughed and clapped with glee.

~o~O~o~

Gracie and Aubrey were now in matching cheerleader uniforms. Aubrey made sure she got cell phone pictures of each of them in all of their different modes of dress, both separately and together. As Gracie reclined propped up by pillows, Aubrey laid on her stomach next to her on the king size bed.

“Sooo, Grace,” said the blonde as she clacked her tennis shoes together in the air. “Don’t you just love being a girl? I sure do. What do you like most about it?”

“Aubrey, It just feels so natural, so fulfilling. You know, I really feel like I could live life as a guy — as long as I got to experience being a girl, too.”

“Be a GUY? BLEECCHHH! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love guys — I just never want to be one. Speaking of guys, you know your brother, Grant? He’s kinda cute. I think I might be crushing on him. Don’t you dare tell him!”

“Really? But he’s so much older than you. And, don’t you work for him? How would that work, you dating your boss? Many would think it’s a horrible idea; you don’t work together as equals, but then have an ‘equal’ relationship as soon as it hits five o’clock?”

“I haven’t figured any of that stuff out. Love is foolish and unreasonable, silly! Okay, changing the subject. Time for our last outfits of the day … prom dresses!”

“Oh … my … god … no … way,” gasped Gracie.

~o~O~o~

The gowns were a dream of taffeta and satin. Aubrey’s was a mint green number with spaghetti straps; Gracie, out of bed for the first time all night, was in a peach shimmer with a matching boa.

“Look at you. You’re going to melt every boy’s head when you walk into the ballroom. Natural beauty — you have it,” said Aubrey with a whistle. She clicked more pictures.

“You’re not too shabby yourself, Miss Mint Julep,” replied Gracie. “I’m so lucky to have a BFF like you, did you realize that?”

Aubrey stopped clicking pictures, and gave a wobbly smile with misty eyes. “I’m way more lucky than you. NYAAAH,” she stuck out her tongue. “Oh, wait! I thought I heard truck tires in the front — that’s my prom date. Yours will be here in five minutes. Let me help you into bed, and you can wait for him.”

“The prom’s tonight?” The older girl looked surprised at this, as Aubrey eased her on top of the covers.

“Yes, dodo-brain! Where would you be without me to remind you of these things? Now just wait patiently, and David will be right up to get you.”

Gracie was left in bed, baffled, as Aubrey hopped off into the master bath.

~o~O~o~

Aubrey did the most rapid quick change she could muster. She was sure that Grant was getting fatigued by now, and there was no telling how much more he could endure before needing to call it a night.

As she wiped the makeup off her face and readied the false facial hair, she was surprised. I thought I’d feel much more disgust with this part. But doing it to help Grant experience Gracie — it doesn’t bother me much at all.

Gracie was sitting in bed, looking at her nails, half wishing that she could have applied a peach coat to go with her dress. They were still so pretty, though.

The door to the master bath opened with a click, and she looked up. “So, Aubrey! How was the prom? Did he kiss you goodni-”

It wasn’t Aubrey who walked through the door. Well, it was, but in a male persona. A man with a blonde beard and mustache, and his hair pulled back in a low ponytail. He wore a black and grey tux with peach accents to match his date’s gown, and a fedora hat tilted slightly to one side. A strained lower voice emanated from his lips.

“Hey there, baby. Are you ready to go cut a rug?”

Gracie was speechless with an open mouth that slowly transformed into the widest smile.

“On the other hand, you look too delicious for me to share you with anyone else tonight. My sister Aubrey warned me to treat you like a lady or else she’d get even with me the way only a sibling can. Why don’t we sit and talk in the candlelight?” With that, "David" produced a match and candles in candlesticks. Lighting them and putting them on the bedside table, he turned the other room lights off. Then he slowly slid beside Gracie and put his arm around her.

“You are so gorgeous, my sweet. A rare combination of outer hotness and inner beauty. I’m so honored to be your prom date. Mike and the guys couldn’t believe it when I told them you said “yes”. They said I must have hypnotized you or something, ‘cause the only boy worthy of taking you anywhere is, like, a prince or an emperor’s kid.” Dang it! Blew it at the end; that was supposed to be “an angel from heaven.”

Gracie was still impressed. “Oh David,” she cooed. “You’re such a smooth talker. I’ll bet you are just trying to win me over so you can have your way with me.”

“Hey babe — you’re the one who looks like an overdue library book.”

“Huh?”

“Because you’ve got ‘fine’ written aaaall over you.”

“HA HA HA HA,” guffawed Gracie. “That — HA, HA — was sooo cheesy!”

“David” was gratified. That was the heartiest “he” had ever seen “Gracie” laugh.

“Oh, HA HA — oh my goodness — hee, hee! Ohh, David. Do you want to hear a secret about your sister?”

“Huh? What secret?” David had not expected for Gracie to take the reigns with this role play.

“The secret is,” Gracie said in a suddenly hushed tone, “my brother Grant. He’s in love with her. Madly. She is his reason for wanting to hang on one more day, every day. He doesn’t know what he would do without her in his life. I know — bosses shouldn’t fall in love with their employees. But as a wise girl once said, love is foolish and unreasonable.”

David looked at Gracie. His heart was bursting, and a huge lump in his throat had muted him. As they grasped each other’s hands, their eyes locked. In each other’s gaze, the play-roles fell away and they were Aubrey and Grant, sharing and baring their souls. Grant, head resting back on his pillow, eked out a whisper.

“Kiss me, you unreasonable fool.”

Aubrey moved her face slowly towards his. Their lips, then their tongues, met. They didn’t move for what felt to her like sixteen hours.

Finally, Aubrey pulled back. “Grant — your heart! Is it okay? Any trouble breathing?”

Grant was visibly breathing harder, but smiling. He touched one of his pretty nails to Aubrey’s lips, and then pointed to his.

Aubrey’s heart broke. “Grant — my love — God, I want to, but you must rest now. Rest, and I’ll carefully get you out of this gown.”

All at once, there was a shrill woman’s voice outside the bedroom door. The voice was yelling, and was opposed by the low growl of Jace’s unique speech.

Grant’s eyes opened wide with fear. “Oh no — not her, not with me like this! Aubrey — get me back to maleness,” he was huffing and puffing hard, suddenly, “-NOW!”

Aubrey went to work double time. She wiped the makeup off his face, deftly moved him around to remove the gown, and grabbed the wig. With her free hand, she turned the oxygen level to 6, as Jeannette had told her could be done when Grant was in major distress.

Jace stuck his head in. “You guys, she’s throwing a major hissy fit. Threatened to call the police. I can turn ‘em away, but it’ll be easier for all of us if I can let her in. I’ll hold her off as long as you need me to, but she’s about to pop.” He pulled his head back and closed the door.

As Aubrey cleaned the nail polish off his hands furtively, her mood blackened. This had to be his ex-wife. Just what right does she have to be here, anyway? Jace should give her a big shoe print on her backside and launch her out of the second story window!

No time to do the toenails, and no quick way to hide the legs. Aubrey pulled the panties off and replaced them with boxers, slipped a loose men’s pajama top on him, then threw the comforter over him and pulled it up to his chest. He looked like he was calming some; thank God.

She grabbed every possible insinuating item and ran full tilt to the closet, throwing them in and shutting the door. Flying then into the bathroom, she did a quick Houdini out of the tux and faux beard and ‘stache. Grabbing a pair of work scrubs, she donned them and did a quick look in the mirror. No makeup, but not too bad for a nurse’s aide.

She trotted back into the bedroom. Grant looked exhausted, but not as severe as five minutes ago. Then walking to the door and mentally composing herself, she opened it. “I’ve was bathing him, but I’m finished. He’s decent now. Who are —”

A blonde, long-haired woman shoved Aubrey aside with surprising ease. As she walked towards the bed, Aubrey recovered and stomped towards her enemy, rage in her eyes. The aide was stopped by a big paw on her shoulder; looking back, she saw Jace shaking his head and wagging his finger. Then she looked back to the woman approaching Grant’s bed.

The woman had stopped, four feet from the bed, and had a shocked look on her face. The cause was the comforter; it had partially slid off of Grant, exposing a shaved leg and painted toenails.

“Oh, Grant. No. Not this again. Not now. My God, how do you live with yourself knowing how you embarrass all of us with this crap? Didn’t you learn your lesson when we were teenagers?”

A sad Grant looked past the woman to Aubrey. “Gail, this is Aubrey, my in-house personal care aide. Aubrey, this is Gail …

"... my sister."

~o~O~o~

To be continued tomorrow

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to an actual situation or person is purely coincidental.

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