By Jennifer Christine

Part 12

‘So why so glum girls? Did you lose a pound and find 5p?”

“No, I lost one P and that was enough” — my lip started to quiver but I took a deep breath. “Think I finished with Paul, but I don’t think it’s finished with yet”. My little fists were clenched like I wanted to start a fight — but it was already over.

Dad walked over and put his arms round us both and gave us a squeeze. “I’m probably to blame for all this too with dragging us off to the other side of the world.
Will you reserve judgement on me til we move out there?” He opened his bag and took out a large envelope. “I have some pictures here of our house in Brisbane, the one that’s being built for us.”

“Built for us?” I raised my brows until my eyes looked like twin oysters (Well I had been crying a lot)

“Yes, built for us, it’s what they call a brick veneer with concrete tiled roof”
“This is what it looks like finished”, he took out the colour brochure and passed it to mum who shared it with me.

“How BIG is that?” I was looking at a house with at least three garage doors on one side and about 6 windows on the front wall.

“About 3 times the size of this one plus the three car garage. But there’s a large outdoor area at the back and… a swimming pool.” he smiled looking at his fingernails extended like he was inspecting nail varnish — he pretended to polish them on his lapel.

“Nothing too ostentatious for a start — maybe we’ll get a big one later.”

Mum was away in a dream and I’d completely forgotten the sadness of the afternoon (but only for a moment. Honest)

“How big is the garden?” I asked looking at the pictures — it didn’t have any neighbours so it was hard to tell how big the block was.

“About an acre, but there’s a horse trail at the back and a park about 200 yards down the trail. It’s a new estate, so there’s only a few houses there at the moment.” He added thoughtfully. “I’m not sure how man y other people will be living there actually but your school will be brand new — it only opens after Christmas.” (which is the new school year in Australia).

There’ll be plenty of other kids in the area — so you won’t be short of friends — I checked.” He smiled at me as I gazed at what looked like a paradise.
“Oh and there’s the sea only a mile or two down the road. There’s a Marina if we fancy having a boat too.

“Is there enough room to take Paul?” I looked at Dad and he returned my sad look. “Fraid not kiddo. But we may get him out there for a holiday if you are still interested in a year or two.”
“A year or two?” My head went back into tail spin — “Oh Daddy, I’m just so unhappy.” My shoulders started to shake and mum put her arm round me and drew me to her.
“There, there pet. There’s nothing we can say at the moment that’s going to make you feel better. It’s true though, if you and Paul are still interested in each other next summer we’ll get Paul out to visit.” I could hear the sincerity in the voice and I knew that they would do it too.
I felt mollified, but still devastated. I still hadn’t really sat down with Paul to make a clean break — and I’d have to do it soon.
My operation was coming up in a few weeks and nothing was going to get in the way of that.

“Right let me get dinner on”, mum got up and started to get back into routine. I got up and grabbed my bag and took it to my room

I was just passing the phone when it went off. I looked at it and shook my head. I looked at dad and a tear fell from my eye as I shook my head and walked up the stairs.
“Oh Hello Paul….” I heard dad saying as I shut my bedroom door. I sat on my bed and felt like I’d been emptied. Just a hollow skin with no soul and no fight left.

“Jen! Dinner time!” I heard the call and shook myself — I hadn’t moved.
“Sheesh I’ve got to get a grip!” I said out loud - I shouted - “right O — two minutes,”
down to mum, then rushed to get changed into something less ‘school like’

Usual jeans and stuff — oddly enough they felt like they fitted, they snuck over my hips and really felt snug.

When I got downstairs, dad was just laying the table and he looked up when he hear me enter. His eyes travelled appraisingly up my body. His expression did a sort of internal wow and he smiled at me, “you fill those jeans rather well, I’m not sure I should allow you out in them!” he smiled to show me he was joking.

“You buttering me up for something?” I flirted back.

“Hey, no practising on defenceless fathers,” he held up his hands in mock surrender.

“Careful now this dish is hot,” mum popped down the tray with a roast chicken and some roast potatoes. “Be a pet and fetch the veggies and gravy would you Jen?”

Normality was returning.

“Your penultimate meeting with the doc is tomorrow after school do you want to go alone or shall I pick you up or meet you there?” Mum reminded me.

“Can I go alone then? You don’t mind?” I was quite taken with the idea that they thought I’d be ok on my own.

“Of course, but if you think you’re going to be upset, it may be better if I pick you up after at least.” Giving me the opportunity to be independent and not worried about the meeting.

“That sounds pretty good — I’ll get out about 20 to 6 as the appointment is for 5pm.
I’d rather not be alone in town after dark.”

“Sold to the highest bidder, it gives me time to get supper on too.” Mum smiled and started to collect the plates. “Your turn for the dishes Jen.”

The turn in conversation stepped me away from thinking of Paul and back to thinking about me — which was both good and bad. “Do you think everything will go Ok in Geneva?”

“Why shouldn’t it? It should be a great time and you’ll be able to see the alps with proper snow on; we’ll try to get around without making you uncomfortable after your op.” Dad was trying to get his head around the operation. “How are you feeling about all that stuff? It seems very drastic from my point of view.”

I looked at him like he was a bit crazy. “How on earth could I live with a girl’s body and a boy thingy that doesn’t work? It’s not like I have much choice in the matter really, is there?” I hadn’t realised that the male worship of the penis was alive and strong in the Holland homestead.

“I guess not, I’m really not that different from other blokes am I? I seem to have a hang up about ‘losing masculinity’ same as all the other men. I thought that I actually might have learnt by now. I find myself wanting… Perhaps I should make a booking with your doc to see if I need some therapy!” He smiled in apology and helped me clear the table.

I sat by the phone later, determined to ring Paul. I shouted out to Dad, “What did you say to Paul earlier Daddy? I’m going to ring him and I don’t want to make it harder.”

If you come in here, I’ll tell you .” he replied from the study. “I’m not shouting it round the house.” I went in.

“I told him that you were really upset and that you were trying not to hurt him but that you felt that going any further would destroy both you and him. I said you’d phone later if you felt up to it.”

“Thanks Daddy, you’re really very sensitive for a guy, aren’t you?” I smiled at him and turned back to the phone. I didn’t want to do it but I had to make sure that it was going no further, my life was complicated enough and it didn’t need hurt in there as an ingredient as well.

I picked up and dialled without any real idea what I was going to say, only that I couldn’t back down. I heard it ringing at the other end and then..
“Hello,” Paul’s voice at the other end.
“Er hi, it’s me.” I started hestitantly.
“Oh, right,” came back in a similar fashion.
“Paul, I’m ringing you because I know I couldn’t do this face to face because I’m a coward. I’m really sorry things are going like this and I’m really sorry if I have led you on and made you think things that I really didn’t want to happen. Oh, I’m rambling aren’t I?” I was trying to get it all out before I lost my nerve.

“A bit. What’s going on Jenny, are you dumping me?”

“Oh Paul it’s not like that, really it’s not. I can’t lead you on any further is all, I have to move to Australia in the New Year and I don’t want to fall for you any more than I already have.” Tears started to sting the back of my eyes.

“Can’t we be together until you go then?” He asked hopefully. “I do understand what you’re trying to do and I really hoped it wasn’t really going to happen as I knew it might.” I could hear his emotions were only just under control as well.

“I was really falling for you and I didn’t want to take it any further. I still daren’t Paul, I really do like you and it’s no use, we’re not going to be able to be together, so it’s better we stop now, before we hurt too much.” I started to sob quietly, hoping he wouldn’t hear.

“Don’t cry Jen, please, it hurts me so much to hear you like this.” I could hear his voice breaking as well.

“Goodbye Paul, I’m really really sorry,” I managed to squeeze between the sobs. I put the phone down - my shoulders, held rigid before, slumped and I allowed myself a quiet cry.

Slowly I gathered my wits and stumbled off to bed, knowing that I’d be poor company if I went and watched TV with mum and dad.
“Night mum, dad, I’m going to see if I can get some beauty sleep — I think at this point I really need it.” I tried to sound cheerful — it sounded like I was Captain Oates about to go outside for the last time.

“Night darling,” Mum called from the lounge, “Don’t forget your homework.”

I suddenly realised that I hadn’t done any. Damn, now I wasn’t going to be able to slip into the arms of Morpheus for two hours.

Wendy was waiting as usual at the bus stop in the morning.
“No traumas this morning then?” One eyebrow was raised quizzically.

“I finished it all last night,” I looked quickly away not confident I wouldn’t burst into tears yet again. “I phoned him and told him it was all off.” I added when I felt strong enough.

Wendy whistled through her teeth, “That must have been awful, for both of you, he was really besotted with you, you know.”

“Yeah, I know, we both nearly caved in last night, but I think sense prevailed.
Did you finish that translation last night — it was demonic.” I changed the subject, knowing my heart wouldn’t take too much more.

That day wasn’t as bad as the one previous, but it was bad enough. The teachers all put it down to me having my time of the month so were quite nice to me.
I showed Wendy and Carol the house brochure at lunch time and several others peeked over my shoulder and all were impressed and a bit jealous. They weren’t sure they would want to live in a red desert though even if the house was nice. When I showed them the estate with the green trees and park like surrounds, they were really jealous. It cheered me up a bit. (What a bitch I am!)
…………………………..

“The Doctor will see you now.” The secretary looked over her glasses at me. She was new and probably wondered why I was seeing a shrink at my age. For, one thing I knew, I did not look like someone going through transition.

“Come in Jenny, have a seat,” she was over sitting on the green leather lounge chair checking her notes as I came in. As I settled, she closed her notes and put them on the coffee table in front of her. “Those are from the previous patient, I haven’t got your notes out, I don’t think we need them. I’ll just make a note that you attended.”

“Does that mean you’ve shrunk me down to size at last?” I smiled at her, truly thankful this was my last real interview.

“You look a bit sad Jenny, what’s the problem?” She was pretty good, I had tried to be upbeat when I came in.

“You’re really very good at this aren’t you? I was trying to cover it up.”

“No last minute second thoughts?”

“Nah, I just broke up with my boyfriend last night and I’m bouncing along the bottom with the hook still in my guts like a fishing lure.” I’ve no idea where that came from but it fitted quite well.

“Well these things are seldom terminal, and we really need to discuss next month’s little duel with the scalpel.” She looked to see what reaction I would have to the word scalpel.- None.

“I’m looking forward to getting to the end of this particular problem, it’s not easy being at a girls’ school and sporting a boy’s operating equipment.”

“I hope you haven’t been sporting it!” She looked at me with feigned shock.

“No, of course not but it stops me being quite as natural as I might like. Particularly with boyfriends. It’s been really nice in some ways and really horrible in others.”
Imagine going to the movies knowing there’s going to be a bit of hanky panky and knowing there’s no way you’re going to let him go any further than.. well you get my drift.” I blushed a bit, but Julie grinned and seemed to understand the dilemma.

“Well, you seem to have survived. Would it have been so awful if he’d found out?”

“Considering I’d sat next to him for 2 years in primary school yes I think it may have been a case of him letting the dragon off and slaying the virgin.”

“Ah yes, I see. Not the best way to find out.
If you’d not been going to Switzerland, do you think you’d have been able to continue and hope he didn’t find out?”

“To be honest, because the scenario was always with me exiting stage left, I never gave it a moment’s thought. However I didn’t think I’d start to fall in love so fast either.” I thought about the word before I uttered it but it still took me by surprise.

“Do you think you were falling in love then?” Julie latched onto the word quite quickly.

“I think so. My world was full of only him, whether at school at home, in bed or asleep, dreaming. I thrilled at his voice on the phone, my nerves tingled when he held my hand. I swam in his eyes. To be honest I clichéd myself to death every minute with him.” I started to look wistful and sad again

“I think you may well be right, and now is not the time to be dwelling on it — we have more important matters to discuss. Like How’s your school work holding up and have you made any new friends?

“Absolutely. I’m a pretty confident and cute girl most of the time — I only fall apart when I’m forced to choose between a gorgeous guy and a flight to the other side of the world to live in a mansion and attend a new school. No not a new school, a BRAND NEW school.” I grabbed the brochure that I’d brought to show Wendy and Carol and passed it over to Julie. “That’s our new home.”

“Impressive, Daddy must be very good at his job to get that built for him.”

“Daddy was saying that it doesn’t take as long to build over there, they reckon a house like that of 5000 square feet would only take four months to build. Something to do with the techniques involved.” I was spouting second hand knowledge but it sounded good.

“Right Jenny, we seem to have covered how you’re doing, how your future is sounding, how you feel about your op — how your schoolwork is going and how your friends are helping.” She smiled at my fish face.
“Well, I have to admit to engineering the conversation just a little bit.”
“Tell May, my new secretary that I’d like to see you on the 18th December — she consulted her diary. That’s not good; make it the 17th that’s a Friday. Your op is on the Monday after that — going to be a big weekend and Christmas isn’t it?”

“Do all your secretaries have months of the year as names?” I giggled as I rose and grabbed my school bag. My watch said 20 to 6.

“Well I haven’t met too many girls called November, so I’m not sure that I’ll try too hard to use it as a criterion.” Julie got the last word as usual. She ushered me out and Mum was waiting in the vestibule — “Hi Beth, we’re all done, see you next month with missy here if you can make it, I’d like to see how you’re all holding up then. If that’s OK?”

“No, that sounds fine, I think we’ll all be a bit nervous by then and I might bring Mike in as well.” Mum smiled at Julie and led me out to the car.

“Oops, I didn’t make the appointment for next month.” I ran back in and Julie looked at me with a question mark over her head. ‘Am I learning a new language here?’ I thought. “Forgot to make the 17th appointment next month. Could you put me down May?”
Julie looked at me and said “Make your mind up — December or May?” and grinned at me again.
I shook my head ruefully and returned to the car.