Zero — minus 1.

Laying there in the morning light listening to mum and dad gently sleeping I pondered my immediate future.

After today, I’d no longer be left with a foot in both camps. Or is that 6 inches in the middle?
I reckon myself to be reasonably nice looking with a figure that was beginning to mature in a proper way. I was above average in mental ability, probably good enough to earn me a degree in all but the most dedicated of areas. I had a loving, supportive family. I was about to move to Australia and begin a new life as myself.

In 24 hours I’d be asleep while a surgeon reformed my nether regions into something more fitting. Turning my ‘outie’ into an ‘innie’ — I smiled at the terminology. They call it vaginoplasty, which sounds vaguely squirmy.

My heart beat a little faster when I thought about the end of today as all things were drawing to a point.
I had to see the doctor for a brief visit at 2pm for a quick appraisal.
If he thought it wise or whatever, I’d be admitted to the clinic tonight and be operated on at 7.30am. Or if all was ok or there was no other concerns, I’d be admitted in the morning. I’m not sure which I preferred. It wasn’t going to be fun lying here tonight knowing that dawn and the knife were awaiting me.

I decided to ask if I could be admitted tonight, so I’d already be there. I wonder if mum and dad would be upset. I’d wait til I’d seen the doctor I determined — I’m not convinced being in hospital overnight would be free…I don’t want this to coast any more than necessary.

I heard dad cough and scratch his head as he came out of his sleep. Mum turned over and put on the light.
“Morning blossom.” She was facing toward my side of the room so she could see me with my arms behind my head — obviously awake.
“Morning Mummy, morning Daddy.” I looked over at them as they sat up and stretched.
“How are you feeling this morning, getting nervous?” Daddy moved to get up then realised he couldn’t get out of bed.
I grinned and pretended to snuggle back down and turn slightly away. “It’s a bit scary, but I’m feeling resolved.” Dad managed to find his robe and covered up the obvious signs of a morning erection, and headed to the bathroom. I tried not to giggle.
(Honest)

As soon as mum heard him flush the loo she popped out of bed and grabbed some underwear, a pair of slacks and a jumper and headed for the bathroom too, leaving me to continue to ponder my day.

They obviously had a routine as I heard the shower start, the toilet flush again and the shower door open and close — like it was a batch plant. Dad came out still wearing his robe but was able to get dressed easily by turning his back and using the robe as cover. I often wondered about sharing a room and now I knew how it worked!

As soon as the shower stopped, I started to gather my things — knowing the time it took for mum to dress and vacate the bathroom — I changed places with her like clockwork and within minutes we were heading down for breakfast.

In the shower I had looked down as I washed my bits for the last time — well nearly — I would be shaving myself later and it would look different then. I was not sad to think it was not going to be there tomorrow. Well actually it was, but not in this formation.

“Do you want a walk down to the lake, or would you rather sit around and read?”
Mummy asked as we left the dining room after a substantial breakfast ( Well actually I ate very circumspectly — I had sausages, (but not bacon) tomatoes and scrambled egg with toast. Easily digested food!)

“I think a walk would be good, I’d rather be active. Have you got your camera?”

“We’ll have to go back to the room anyway, it’s only 6 degrees outside even if it is sunny and bright.” Mum replied. We were dressed warmly, but not for 6 degrees!!Brrr.

Presently we were walking along the lake shore and enjoying the sun on our faces.

“How are you coping sweetheart?” Daddy walked beside me with his arm round my shoulder. I leaned into him a little. I heard a snap from the camera.

“I’m ok Daddy, it’s pretty scary, but it’s more like a step then a leap, I’m not really worried but a little cautious about my expectations. Even if this doesn’t work out 100% it’s still going to be better than now. I hate being caught between a rock and a hard place.” I tried to put into words my inner state. I’m sure the doctor would ask me later and I wanted a formed statement I could use without ‘umming’ and ‘erring’.

“That’s a mature attitude: I think you’re very brave, I know I couldn’t do what you’re doing.” I looked up at him as he winced, I started to giggle.

“Well you’re not a girl, so you don’t expect to lose those bits. I’m not courageous; I’m just correcting something so I can get on with my life without worrying about my body being all wrong.” I smiled at him as the scenario of losing his bits played out — it was a minute or two before he got over it. A penis seems very important if you‘re a guy, I guess. Mum wandered along enjoying the Sunshine and clear air. She looked happy and relaxed. Occasionally she’d stop and take a snap of the lake or us.

There were a couple of small boats out on the lake and I was reminded of my summer, the beginning of my life.

Too soon I was sitting with the parental units either side of me in the Waiting room of the clinic.
Mum had filled in the form for me and I was staring into space. “Herre Doktor will sie sehen jetzt.” The nurse ushered us into the doctor’s office.
He came round the desk and met us halfway.

“Good Morning, I’m Doktor Kurt Drescher, I’ll be leading the operation tomorrow.” He sounded very efficient and direct — professional.

“Good morning Doctor, I’m Mike Holland and this is Beth, my wife, and our daughter, your patient, Jennifer.” Dad offered his hand and The doctor grasped it as the two men eyeballed each other for a second. It was like Daddy had said, ‘I’m trusting you with my daughter’s life’ and he said, ‘I will do all I can to keep her safe.’
Yet no words passed between them, the handshake took a little more time than a casual one.

The Doctor turned to mum and bowed slightly, taking her hand gently, “A pleasure Mrs Holland. And so our patient, Jennifer,” he held out his hand, I smiled and slipped my hand into his, he shook it gently and smiled a kind smile at me, “please take a seat for a moment,” he gestured to the couch and we sat as directed. Actually I perched a bit as I was a little wired (I wonder why).

“It’s a pleasure to meet with you today, even if it is a Sunday.” He added with a smile.
“It’s really just a quick chat to make sure you’re all familiar with the procedure and the likely outcomes. I would also like to examine the site of the operation so I can make some plans for the surgery.” He added quietly.

I could see he was watching me out of the corner of his eye for reaction and levels of anxiety. I continued to smile, and looked him in the eye when he looked at me. He had kind eyes with crinkles at the corner, I’ll bet he had a couple of children himself and loved them dearly. His smile was warm and comforting — I felt safe.

He continued to chat in his very correct English to inform us of the expected duration of the operation and the timing of things over the next few days. Who would be assisting and all of that stuff that really has no bearing on the patient but is good for those around to know. All the patient has to do is get better.

“So now we come to the examination. I think it would be better if mum and dad waited outside, if that is ok with you?” He looked at mum and dad expectantly, they got up and headed towards the door. Dad’s hand rested briefly on my shoulder and gave me a squeeze — I smiled up at him, he looked paler than I felt. I touched his hand as he let go- just to say it was alright. He smiled back.

“If you would like to remove the clothing from your lower half Jenny, that would be fine. Then pop up onto the bed.” He pointed to the stainless steel bench with the 2 inch mattress on it. It was covered in a paper sheet which crinkled as I sat on it. — oddly it didn’t move when I swung my legs up, having complied with his request to remove my clothing.

I felt a little uncomfortable as my dignity level was reduced. It was unavoidable. This guy was going to take me apart in the morning and rebuild me, I couldn’t be nervous now, could I? Actually yes I could and was, but it didn’t matter. Whatever this guy asked me to do, I would do it.

He washed his hands then put on some latex gloves — “Now I’m going to press on your tummy — tell me if there’s any discomfort.” He smiled at me.
I nodded slightly to show I understood.

He progressed slowly down to the groin — pressing and prodding gently — it actually felt quite soothing.
“Now if you could part your legs a little, that’s ok fine.” He felt around the scrotum and inspected the dangly bit to see if there was enough usable skin I suppose.
Then he asked me to turn on my side away from him.
“I promise to be gentle,” he said, “but I need to inspect you internally so I’m going to insert my finger into your rectum, it may be uncomfortable. Try to relax and think of something nice.” I saw him squirt some gel onto his finger.

“A few of my favourite things?” I asked trying to be chipper but feeling very tense.
He chuckled, “Very appropriate. Relax now, try to push back a little”

I winced as his finger slipped past my sphincter, He prodded around inside and I felt him hit my prostate gland. He withdrew his finger and peeled off the glove and threw it straight into the pedal bin — he offered me a box of tissues, “If you’d like to tidy yourself up and get dressed, I’ll make some notes.” He tried to be gentle and caring and I felt less embarrassed than I expected.

He popped his head round the door and called mum and dad back in.

“Right. I’ve examined our young lady here, and she’s in excellent condition and I have no concerns about the operation going ahead tomorrow.” He looked at mum and dad as they let out a breath that they probably didn’t know they were holding.

I’d like to see her in the morning at 7 am. She must eat nothing after 4pm and I would like her to use the purgative treatment before she goes to bed. About an hour before if that is OK? I recommend she arrives at the clinic by 6.45.
Please could you ensure that the operation site is clear of hair when Jenny arrives in the morning? Please do not use any deodorants or sprays. Just good old soap and water. Ok?”

Then he looked at me, “I think you are going to be very happy with the result, there will be no reason anyone will ever think that you were not born female.” He rose from the desk to usher us back into the waiting room.
“Just come to the front desk when you arrive tomorrow, see you then.” He waved us out and we headed back to the hotel for lunch.